I'm back, I guess
I can't make NE guaranteez 4 2morrow, Friday, or Sat, tho. We mite B having more guest bloggerz.
After Mom an' Dad's depressing visit 2 the cemetery, they went 2 Gramps's house 2rub his face in tell him about their purchase. His 1st reaction when Mom told him they'd "bought sum space @ the Chapel Hill Cemetery" was "That's nice. But I'm still here." C, even Gramps is more focused on life than my mom is @ the mo. And Mom was all, "It's for US! --But, there'z enuf room 4 all of us... If... we're, U know, 'dust 2 dust'. We were wondering if U'd like 2 B in the same spot." Bleah. Gramps was, like, "I don't know. I have a place next 2 yr mother." And Mom was all, "She'z in Vancouver, Dad! ....Don't U want 2 B w/us?" OMG, Mom, how much do U h8 Grandma Marian, eh? And I can only imagine Iris felt like a big ol' block of chopped liver during this talk. NEway, Iris spoke next, saying he cd have his ashes divided so he cd bury half w/Marian & half here. Which, I guess, Gramps took 4 a str8 line so he cd punch out this: "Hmm...I guess it is possible 2 B in 2 placez @ once."
Whatevs, I just really want all this death an' corpse talk 2 end, eh? Don't U?
Dunc! Yr mom was calling here all frantic wanting 2 know if U were hiding out here. I won't say NEthing 2 the g'ups, but I think running away is going 2 turn out 2 B a bad, bad idea! MayB U cd get sum of us 2 B yr, like, negotiatorz w/yr 'rents?
Apes
After Mom an' Dad's depressing visit 2 the cemetery, they went 2 Gramps's house 2
Whatevs, I just really want all this death an' corpse talk 2 end, eh? Don't U?
Dunc! Yr mom was calling here all frantic wanting 2 know if U were hiding out here. I won't say NEthing 2 the g'ups, but I think running away is going 2 turn out 2 B a bad, bad idea! MayB U cd get sum of us 2 B yr, like, negotiatorz w/yr 'rents?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:09 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, dont worry, evrythings cube. I made sum new friends @ the hostel & we r going 2 TO 2 squeegie cars we shld make lots of $.
Pls tell Zed I miss her & she shld check her cell 4 a message @ 8:00 pm 2nite.
L8r.
Fish Boy
At 12:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your friend Duncan running away. Your friend Duncan’s parents should call the Canadian Police Information Center (CPIC) System and the National Missing Children Services (NMCS). Both of these organization assist law enforcement agencies with the investigation of runaway cases. In law enforcement, we know that the quicker a youth is located and referred to appropriate services, the better the chances of breaking the cycle of running away. There are four support factors that help young people cope with stress that leads to running away. These are home, school, community and peers. You and your friends fall into the peers category. After your friend Duncan has been found you should look for these signs that he is getting ready to run away again:
1. General and observable lack of interest in school
2. Excessive incidents of skipping school
3. Noticeably poorer school grades
4. More frequent late for school reports
5. Sleeping in more often than usual
6. Sleeping a lot during the day- this may be a sign of depression or an indication that the youth is staying up most of the night and is involved in activities such as late-night partying or prostitution.
7. Noticeable changes in preferred music and lyrics
8. Observable personality changes
If you observe these signs occurring, then you should let him know that you are afraid he is planning to run away again. Sometimes, the knowledge a peer is supporting him, is enough to keep the runaway from going into a situation much worse than they are already in. I contacted the Milborough Police about your friend Duncan, but they are already aware of the situation and are doing everything in their power to locate your friend. I will be thinking of you and your friend until he is found.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom did not tell you the best of part of the story. I got called by Iris for grandpa Jim, who can’t stay awake long enough to complete a phone call sometimes. She said, “Michael. Your grandfather wants you to know that if you get visited by your mother trying to force you to agree to be cremated and buried in a family plot she just purchased from Chapel Hill Cemetery, the way to put her off is to use the word ‘cremation.’” I asked Iris what she meant, and she confirmed that when Mom was trying to get Grandpa Jim to agree to be buried in Chapel Hill Cemetery, mom said, “dust to dust” and wouldn’t say “cremation.” So all during lunch, Grandpa Jim kept saying things like, “Please pass the cremationer for my coffee.” Or “Iris, you are just my little cremation puff.” Or Iris’s favourite was when Jim started talking about how much he liked a good “cremation soda.” Finally it was too much for Mom to take. So, if Mom starts talking burial plots with you, remember, “cremation” is the word.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wen eva found out duncan ran away frum home, she sed we hadda go out 2 the shelbyville youth hostels 2 find him. we tuk the bus 2 shelbyville v.v. early this mornin’. there wuz the shelbyvillian backpackers inn, the shelbyvillage, & the shelbyville king & sum othah place that just sed “hostel”. we searched them all & asked if there wuz ne1 there goin’ by the names duncan, mcdunc, or fish boy. we didn’t find him, so we hadda give up so we wud have sum kinda chance of not b-ing 2 l8 2 skool. eva seems 2b rilly upset ‘bout duncan b-ing a runaway. i tried 2 tell eva, he duz this kinda stuff all the tyme, but it duzn’t seem 2 calm her down. i got so desperate i evn told her ur story ‘bout ur mom buyin’ a cemetery plot. all she sed wuz, “cowboyz call it boot hill.”
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think I would like to be in a cemetery plot with my husband. I haven’t decided if I want to be cremated or not. I don’t like it when I get burned. Fire can be scary. My mom says that I don’t need to think about those kinds of things. She says I have a place next to her and dad in their plot. I don’t think mom thinks I will ever get married. I hope she is wrong.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 4:28 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well, Sugar found out that your mom got a family plot at Chapel Hill Cemetery for some sort of group cremation rate. So, Marjee and I had to travel with her to visit some of her relatives in Toronto, to see if they were interested. After visiting Gnishilda, Griseldis, Grishilde, Gust, Gusta, Gredel and Greer Van Rensselaer, the general consensus was that Sugar would be cremated and lying in a coffin alone, if she followed this trend of your mom’s. Sugar decided she would just lie. After all, most people aren’t going to be around to check and see if your relatives are cremated and put in there with you or not. While we were stopped at a traffic light, some Squeegie Kids came out and squeegied the car windshield and begged for money. Marjee handed them some change and she said, “One of those kids looks familiar.” She called out Duncan’s name a few times, but the kid she thought was Duncan didn’t respond. I guess she made a mistake. People's faces change so much around Milborough, I often wonder if I am going to recognize myself in the mirror each day. Besides, your friend Duncan would have done a better job. I had to wash Sugar’s car when we got back to Milborough. It had dirty squeegie water all over the windshield.
Howard K.
At 6:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dunc, i just saw yr mom on the local news!!! she was crying an' saying that whatev differences u r having, they can b worked out. oh man, she looked so sad! yr dad had his arm around her, but when he tried 2 say sumthing, she shoved him away and sed, "u stay outta this, 'dean'!"
paul, hm, lotsa thoze thingz u listed sound like dunc. i wish i'd known abt this b4 he ran away!
mike, thanx 4 the tip abt the word "cremation". now i know y gramps an' iris came by the bookstore looking 4 jokebooks abt cremation.
shannon, i think yr mom is wrong and u'll find a nice guy 2 marry sumday. then u'll show her, eh?
howard, jeremy, soundz like u both had sum major adventurez 2day! howard, i bet u wish sugar wd stop trying 2 emulate my mom!
apes
At 6:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
advance!
At 9:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings responding to the list of runaway signs. There is no reason you should have known about these things. You have not received Ontario Provincial Police training as I have. I have asked the Milborough Police to inform me as soon as they learn something about your friend. I will pass on to you what they tell me. If your friend tries to contact you, you should let the Milborough Police know as soon as possible.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I think I know those cremation jokes. Here’s one I remember: A woman from Milborough was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the Milborough Mall. "The Milborough Mall!" the pastor said. "Why the Milborough Mall?" The woman replied, "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
It is certainly not Patterson-style humour, but it’s a good idea to keep some of those jokes handy, in case Mom starts talking about death around you. I think I better teach a few of these jokes to my children.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are so nice with the things you say to me. Yes, I think getting a husband would be the perfect revenge on my Mom. Wait. There’s something about that sentence that does not sound right to me. I think I need to reread what you wrote.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno if i wud call goin’ 2 shelbyville a majour adventure. but @least since i went, i don’t hafta go again. thass gud cuz i want 2 watch edmonton beat the hurricanez. the cup needsta come back 2 canada. it haz been way 2 long n the st8s.
eva iz watchin’ w/me & we study 4 next week’s examz durin’ commercialz. eva iz still nervous 4 duncan, but i figger he’z just tryin’ 2 avoid examz since he missed so much skool this year. i am kinda nervous 4 duncan n a diffrent way. zandra larson seemz like a pretty smart girl. i dunno if she will keep d8in’ sum guy who iz like, a runaway. but if she breaks up w/duncan, then i don’t think eva will stick ‘round me. w/o zandra ‘round duncan, he iz defenceless against eva’z smirks. i hope zandra iz st00pider than i think she iz & stayz w/duncan. sum girlz r rilly st00pid ‘round boyz, evn if they r smart n othah thingz.
At 9:38 PM,
howard said…
April,
I hope Sugar is done with emulating your mother also. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? I never thought your mom would be so enthusiastic about cemetery plots and cremation. I never thought your mom was so hung up on having your whole family together, ash-wise that is, that she would brow beat your grandpa Jim into agreeing to divide his ashes amoung gravesites. It has been a week of surprises. All I can say is that I won’t be surprised, if there is another surprise tomorrow, and Sugar asks me and Marjee to go some other place related to death, dying, and your mother.
Howard K.
At 9:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, yeah, i have a feeling u r prolly rite abt more surprises 2 come 2morrow & the next few dayz!
mike, yup, gramps called up an' read me that joke u mentioned. i'll remember it in case i need it 4 mom purposes.
apes
At 11:03 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Im ok, I made lots of $ 2day & I made sum more new friends there squatting in a warehouse by the lakeshore in TO Im going 2 chill w/ them 2nite.
Zed I <3 4evah but I cant come back. Fugitives dont come back.
Fish Boy
At 11:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
fish boy, i dunno if u know this or not, but gettin' ur fone eaten by a killer whale on national tv iz not a crime. by the way, edmonton & carolina tied & r goin' n2 1st ot.
At 11:54 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Jer. I took all the $ from my moms purse thats theft under $5K. No more courtrooms & lawyers & judges 4 me.
I dont care abt hockey nemore. None of my new friends have TVs neway & none of them no abt Fish Boy. Im still going thru 'puter withdrawl but Ill quit reading & posting soon fugitives dont leave IP tracks.
Got 2 go find the warehouse & chill. Rush hr starts @ 6 am.
Fish Boy
p.s. I wish I still had Perditas pw 2 her Tractor Pulling U account shes a pathological liar. If she didnt push me in2 the goat pen y did gran freak @ her & spank her?
p.p.s. Zed if u r reading this Im sorry I didnt call. Ill call 2morrow nite I promise.
At 12:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
fish boy, edmonton won 4 – 3 n ot. canada iz still alive. u say u don’t care ‘bout hockey nemore. ru crayzee? neway, if ur mom’s like a normal mom, she will 4give the money & make u pay it back w/odd jobz or the money we r suppozed 2 get frum doing the end-of-skool prom. thass wut my mom wud do, aside frum ground me & take away my ‘puter & tv privilegez & get 1 of thoze subcutaneous homin’ beaconz 4 me.
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