Is it Sunday yet?
AAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!!
The cemetery talk, it just won't go away!!!
Mom an' Dad @ Gramps an' Iris's apt. Gramps being all, "I'm glad U got the ball rolling on this cemetery bizness, Elly." Oh, of course he'z glad. He can't be normal, like, "Butt out, navet nose", oh no, he hasta B glad! Then, "I've been sort of dragging my feet. I have all the other details taken care of, so it won't B 2 much of a burden when I pop off." Mom (indignant): "Dad!" Gramps going on, "Wd U mind if Iris joined me?" Y does he need Mom's permission 2 decide on his own burial planz? Gah! Then, "She'll B divided, 2, I guess... w/part of her ashes going 2 rest beside her 1st husband." Mom (cheerful): "Yes! That wd B fine!" Gramps delivering his punchline: "Good. I will tell my better half." Pls, pls, pls make it stop!!!
Dunc, U totally hafta come back!!! Yr mom sez she'z not gonna press charges or let yr dad press charges. She just wants U home safe an' wants U 2 finish out the schoolyear & play our prom gig!
Apes
The cemetery talk, it just won't go away!!!
Mom an' Dad @ Gramps an' Iris's apt. Gramps being all, "I'm glad U got the ball rolling on this cemetery bizness, Elly." Oh, of course he'z glad. He can't be normal, like, "Butt out, navet nose", oh no, he hasta B glad! Then, "I've been sort of dragging my feet. I have all the other details taken care of, so it won't B 2 much of a burden when I pop off." Mom (indignant): "Dad!" Gramps going on, "Wd U mind if Iris joined me?" Y does he need Mom's permission 2 decide on his own burial planz? Gah! Then, "She'll B divided, 2, I guess... w/part of her ashes going 2 rest beside her 1st husband." Mom (cheerful): "Yes! That wd B fine!" Gramps delivering his punchline: "Good. I will tell my better half." Pls, pls, pls make it stop!!!
Dunc, U totally hafta come back!!! Yr mom sez she'z not gonna press charges or let yr dad press charges. She just wants U home safe an' wants U 2 finish out the schoolyear & play our prom gig!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:58 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. If Mom talks to you about being in the family cemetery plot, here are some other tips Grandpa Jim gave me. (1) Agree to whatever she says. You’ll live longer than she will, so you can always change your mind later. Of course she might come back to haunt you, but it might be worth it. (2) Offer to put in part of your ashes, preferably with a fraction or a percentage. Mom hates math. (3) Make some joke about the fraction or the percentage. Like “I’d like a fifth of Vodka to go with the fifth of me in the grave.” That sort of thing drives mom to distraction. (4) Use flippant phrases for dying like, Grandpa Jim’s favourite “pop off” or “croak”, “bite the big one”, or “snuff it”. There are lots of choices here. However, avoid using the phrase, “Rest with the navets under the ground.” That will just make her mad. (5) Don’t forget to use the word “cremation.” If mom tries to talk ashes, go straight for the cremation word. If you follow those tips, it should get you through the conversation.
Also, Dad told me his plans for Father’s Day, which I pass to you as a loving brother should do. He plans to: Wake up in the morning with spots in his eyes. Swing a golf club and completely miss the golf ball, while you watch in amazement. Lift arm weights, while lying on a weight bench. Water the yard. Walk Edgar and Dixie, with Dixie on a much shorter leash than Edgar. I think he is hinting that you should take him golfing. And, little sis, just to let you know, in case you didn’t already know—Dad likes to win. So, unlike the time when you went fishing with him and you caught more fish than he did, try to lose to him at golf, eh? No matter how many times he misses the ball with the club.
I know you are interested in how my play is going. I got the cast I wanted at the school. Since school is over soon, the performance is going to be a part of the summer program. The school principal found an out-of-work drama teacher to direct the production, who said he was particularly interested in directing any work of mine. It is so nice to be recognized in the drama community for the work I have already accomplished. The director's name is Miroirbelle, which as in you know, in French, means beautiful mirror. I knew you would be interesting in the things going on in my life.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) talking to your ngashi (mom) and noos(father) about his burial plans. I tried to have a conversation with my sweet girl about where we would like to be buried. There is part of me that wants to be buried in the Northwest, where I was born and raised. There is part of me that wants to be buried next to my sweet girl in the South. Your sister said that this conversation can wait until I get my transfer to Toronto. Then she put me on the phone with Shiimsa. The closer your sister gets to moving from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), the more time I spend talking to Shiimsa. I think it is because my sweet girl needs extra time to pack.
I have not heard any news about your runaway friend, but I promise I will let you know as soon as I hear anything.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, a truly, awful day. this duncan missing thing haz turned eva n2 a freakin’ nutcase. plus, peeps assume that just cuz i have done sound 4 4-evah a couple of tymez, i automatically know wut iz goin’ on. my answer of “i dunno wut that crayzee idiot iz doin’” duzn’t cut it nemore. if this keeps up, i may have 2 take the bus back 2 shelbyville & stalk him & drag him back 2 mboro. i can only imagine wut kinda hell zandra larson iz goin’ thru.
then n english, we hadda rite, “10 nice thingz i wud say 2 duncan anderson, if they find him & he iz not dead w/partz of hiz body chopped up ‘cross the country & cremated & placed n different cemeteriez.” actually it wuz just “10 nice thingz i wud say 2 duncan anderson.” i added that last part. the english teach did not think it wuz funny.
did u know the principal haz a new lecture called, “calming surly students”? the part where he compared me 2 a martian or “the creature” seemed a little familiar. but @least i got sum d8 loaf outa it.
At 6:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, r u sure this "miroirbelle" guy isn't actually mirabell, the guy who attacked u @ macbeth?
paul, sumtymez liz puts shiimsa on the phone when i call, an' when she does, i give the phone 2 buttsy or edgar. no phone privileges for dixie the ratdog!
zandra, zenia'z been tellin' peeps that u got in2 a fistfite w/steve harper after he told yr english class that u'd driven dunc away (metaphorically, not literally). but then zenobia'z been going around issuing a "correction" that it was just an argument and u both hadta go 2 the principal's office. man, steve is such an arse!
dunc, btw, my mom is all talking abt starting up a "find duncan anderson" committee. and yr mom is so freaked out she'z considering going along w/it.
apes
At 6:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that english assignment was so bogus cuz kidz who barely know dunc were being so phony! i had a hard time knowing what 2 write since everything i've been wanting 2 say 2 dunc, i've been saying here. & i don't feel like it's our teacher's biz!
apes
At 6:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mirabell. The name sounds familiar. Mr. Miroirbelle could not be the same man. For one thing, his name is not spelled the same. For another thing, I have met him, and he did not attack me once. The only thing he has in common with the man, who attacked me at your school’s production of MacBeth, is they both have veins that are visible in their foreheads. It’s not an attractive feature, but you don’t have to be pretty to direct children.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:20 PM,
howard said…
April,
Iris Richards, your step-grandmother was in the hair salon today. She was in a pretty jolly mood. She said, “I want you to give me a good shampoo today, Coward. Be very cremative.” I said, “Cremative?” She said, “Oh, I mean creative. I am just in a silly mood. Jim and his daughter got into a silly conversation about dividing his body and my body up into parts after we die. Jim can be so funny, when he is mocking his daughter.” I said, “Mocking his daughter?” Iris said, “Yes. Elly ran off and bought a cemetery plot and she came into our apartment all excited that she was doing something for Jim. She was so cute, just like an eager little puppy. Will you be buried with me, Dad? Eh? Eh? Eh? Just darling.” I said, “How is that mocking?” Iris said, “Jim is 85 years old. He has had very detailed funeral plans worked out with the Royal Canadian Legion and Veterans Affairs Canada for a military funeral for a long time now. He just agreed with everything his daughter said, but he was poking fun at her all the while. Before we eloped together 3 years ago, it was one of the first things we discussed, since we both had spouses already in the ground. After all, he was 82 and I was 77. We weren’t spring chickens, eh?” I said, “I still don’t see how this is mocking.” Iris said, “Oh the mocking. Elly wanted Jim to be buried with her. Jim said he already had a plot near his first wife. So I suggested Jim have part of him with his first wife and part with his daughter. Jim ran with that. He said, ‘Would you mind if Iris joins me?’ Elly said, ‘Yes, that would be fine.’ and Jim said, ‘I’ll tell my better half.’ I think Elly was expecting him to talk to me, but Jim had been talking out of the left side of his mouth and he started talking to himself out of the right side of his mouth. He said, ‘What do you think, better half? Do you want Milborough or Vancouver?’ Then with his right side he said, ‘The weather is nicer in Milborough.’ Then with his left side he said, ‘But you promised Dixie you would be buried with her.’ Then with his right side he said, ‘I completely forgot. ½ of me needs to be sprinkled around the Farley Tree.’ Then with his left side he said, ‘Wait a minute! I think I was planning on being buried with the rest of the men in RCAF Squadron 408.’ Then with his right side he said, ‘I completely forgot. ½ of me needs to be sprinkled around the Squadron 408 gravesite.’ Then he turned to Elly and said with his left side, “My better half says I need ½ of me with you, ½ of me with Marian, ½ of me with Dixie, and ½ of me with RCAF Squadron 408. Got that Elly?’ and his daughter looked very confused.” I said, “I understand the mocking now.” Iris said, “And the best part was Elly tried to add up all the 1/2s. John and I could barely keep from laughing out loud.” Anyway, I thought you might like hearing that story.
Howard K.
At 8:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, my mother h8s when ppl realize she doesn't understand fractionz. mike is rite, it can b a useful weapon 2 use against her.
apes
At 8:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
advance!
At 9:31 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, made sum serious $ 2day. The Jays had an afternoon game that ended @ the bginning of rush hour lots & lots of trapped drivers 4 squeegie d00ds.
Btween the morning & evening rush I went 2 a pub & watched the England - TnT soccer match. TnT had a awesum offence but England wore them down & 1 the match 2-0. I wld of missed a gr8 game if Id bn @ skool its gr8 2 b a working man. BTW I give free squeegie jobs 2 ne1 w/ a TnT flag on their car.
Got 2 go grab sum dinner b4 I go back 2 the squat.
L8r.
Fish Boy
At 3:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva wuz not happ w/me 2day. i saw zandra larson rilly takin’ it frum sum of her “friendz.” it wuz stuff ‘bout duncan of course, mainly havin’ 2 do w/how runnin’ away frum her wuz the smartest thing duncan evah did & mean stuff like that. it brot back all thoze memoriez frum wen i wuz teased @skool w/the song w/the wormz & germz (no offence, but peeps still sing that song @me). so, i offered 2 walk her home & she sed ok. eva wuz so mad @me tho & sed sumthin’ ‘bout wut happed 2 cowboyz who had more than 1 cowgirl n the barn. i didn’t rilly unnerstand it. i told her it wuz more like wen she wuz nvisible & i helped her evn tho rebeccah didn’t like it. eva told me it wuz not the same az that @all. i sed, “y not?” eva sed, “cuz duncan iz the 1 who needz help. not zandra.” i sed, “zandra iz 1 w/the eyez red frum cryin’ i think, unless it’s sum kinda weird set of contacts. duncan iz prolly havin’ the tyme of hiz life. he prolly got 2 watch the world cup 2day, while we were n skool.” eva sed, “duncan iz starvin’ & sufferin’. i know it.” i sed, “if duncan were starvin’ & sufferin’, he wud b back @hiz mom’z. he duzn’t have ne tolerance 4 pain.” eva sed, “he duz 2.” i sed, “zandra’z the 1 who’z here & she needz our help. peeps n skool have been mean 2 her all day.” eva did not look happ, but she came along w/us & muttered stuff. so, i just kinda walked w/zandra & did that listenin’ thing that mom sed girlz like wen they have problemz & need sum1 2 lissen 2 them. she talked a lot ‘bout how she wuz gonna stick by duncan cuz sum guyz she d8ed wud meet her whacked out uncle or her weird bro & break up w/her, but duncan met both of them & he stuck around. aftah we gotta her house, she seemed almost well, not happy, but mebbe she moved frum deeply depressed 2 slightly morose. aftah that, eva & i went 2 her house 2 study 4 next week’s examz, but eva wuz still mad. she didn’t smirk @me evn 1 tyme, & she changed frum her uni n2 a shirt w/a high necked collar. we gotta lotta studyin’ done tho.
At 3:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
retreat!
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