Inevitable "PLOT" pun
Yup, U prolly saw this one coming. With all this crizzappy talk of cemeteries an' gravesites, U prolly guessed that sum1 in my fam wd B unleashing an awful pun on plot-as-story vs. plot-as-grave. U're prolly callin' yr bookie now 2 collect sum $ on that bet!
So it was Gramps's turn 2 make the st00pid pun. It came after he'd suggested going urn-shopping. Dad had just sed, "So, that's it then. We've all settled for cremation." Hmmm, "settled". Isn't that what happs when U don't get what U really want? NEway, Iris thot buying urns was "being a little 2 prepared", but Gramps disagreed and sed either of 'em cd go @ NE time. Then he got all, "That's the beauty of this novel! Nobody knows how the story ends! We all have to 'read' it one chapter at a time!" Iris gave Gramps his setup by saying, "I don't think I like the plot." So Gramps ripped out, "2 L8, now. --It's already been purchased!" This made Dad LOL, of course, since U know he luvs puns almost as much as he luvs trainz, but apparently he managed 2 laff w/his tung IN his mouth! Can U believe it?
Hey, let's mock my fam by coming up w/the worst punz we can think of. They can B abt NEthing that's been going on--the graveyard stuff, Liz's recent decisionz, Mike's adventures in his not-Rosedale-or-Beaches nabe, me an' the band, whatevs. Have fun!
Apes
So it was Gramps's turn 2 make the st00pid pun. It came after he'd suggested going urn-shopping. Dad had just sed, "So, that's it then. We've all settled for cremation." Hmmm, "settled". Isn't that what happs when U don't get what U really want? NEway, Iris thot buying urns was "being a little 2 prepared", but Gramps disagreed and sed either of 'em cd go @ NE time. Then he got all, "That's the beauty of this novel! Nobody knows how the story ends! We all have to 'read' it one chapter at a time!" Iris gave Gramps his setup by saying, "I don't think I like the plot." So Gramps ripped out, "2 L8, now. --It's already been purchased!" This made Dad LOL, of course, since U know he luvs puns almost as much as he luvs trainz, but apparently he managed 2 laff w/his tung IN his mouth! Can U believe it?
Hey, let's mock my fam by coming up w/the worst punz we can think of. They can B abt NEthing that's been going on--the graveyard stuff, Liz's recent decisionz, Mike's adventures in his not-Rosedale-or-Beaches nabe, me an' the band, whatevs. Have fun!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:52 AM
20 Comments:
At 9:18 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
I hear the squeegie actions no good btween Friday aft rush & late Sat nite when the club kids r returning 2 the burbs aft last call, so Im going 2 b back in Mboro 2nite 4 the nite @ a secret location.
Bambi came 2 the squat partee last nite shes just in from Edmonton & she joined r team this am. Bambi works topless I try not 2 look cos I think Zed wld b pissed w/ me. Man oh man does she make the $. Good thing we r pooling r $.
L8r.
Fish Boy
At 10:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. “let's mock my fam by coming up w/the worst punz we can think of”? “Mike's adventures in his not-Rosedale-orBeaches nabe”? You are calling for our family to be mocked? You are calling for your friends to mock me? You used a dangling preposition? Clearly you are not April, and someone uncouth has taken over your Blog. The April I know would never invite ridicule. She scrupulously avoids it.
Another reason I know you are not April is that the story about Grandpa Jim is incomplete. Not only did he say, "That's the beauty of this novel! Nobody knows how the story ends! We all have to 'read' it one chapter at a time!" But he also said, “Sometimes people read a collection of sheets of paper bound together containing printed or written material.” Then Iris said, “You mean a tome?” And Grandpa Jim said, “No, I think we have a plot, not a tomb. Although sometimes, I think I feel the need to a-tomb for my sins.” Then he continued on, “For some people the book does not last long enough. They are like a booklet . For members of the great Richards family, my life is just one part of a larger story, like a major division of a published work.” Iris said, “You are talking about a volume.” Jim said, “If I keep eating cake, I will certainly be a volume all right, but Elly knows all about that. We’ll need to get her one of those Grecian urns.” Mom said, “What’s a Grecian urn?” Grandpa Jim said, “Oh, about $5 an hour.” Dad said, “What kind of book is Elly?” Grandpa Jim said, “A soft cover if you poke her. A hard cover after she has been poked. A primer from the way she talks. And definitely non-fiction.” Dad said, “Why non-fiction?” Grandpa Jim said, “You never saw her go fish-ion, did you, eh? (The joke was on the word fishing.)” Then mom said, “What kid of book is John?” Grandpa Jim said, “Definitely a periodical, because he only periodically comes to visit.” Then Iris said, “And what kind of book am I?” Grandpa Jim said, “Atlas. Because 'at last' I found the woman I love. Now get me some more cake.”
Then Iris said, “Remember your diet, Jim. Elly I didn’t hear before, how many plots and what size are they?” Mom said, “One 4 foot by 6 foot cremation plot.” Then Iris said, “That's kind of small. I don’t think I like the plot.”
Now if you were the real April, you would know the whole story and would dutifully tell it, with good grammar and after using an outline to help you write it down, as I have so often suggested to the real April. You should leave now, before the real April finds out what you have been doing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) talking to your ngashi (mom) and noos(father) about their cremation plans. I think you are telling a joke by talking about a bookie taking bets on whether someone in your family would tell a “pun on plot-as-story vs. plot-as-grave.” The ways of the people in the South are strange to me. You might not be joking. I would like to remind you that in Ontario, an individual must be at least 19 to gamble. I hope you and your friends are not engaging in illegal activities.
My sweet girl is down to her last few weeks in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and it getting to be more and more difficult to talk to her. I have tried to get her to speak about her problem with Jesse Mukwa, or what the other school children thought about her leaving. I am sure these stories would be more interesting to you than the funeral and cemetery discussion you are having with your parents. Your sister doesn’t want to talk about those things with me. I have had some nice talks with Shiimsa though.
I have still not heard any news about your runaway friend, but I promise I will let you know as soon as I hear anything.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My English teacher told me that when people make fun of scary things, or pretend scary things are funny, that is called, “Black Humour.” I thought “Black Humour” were the jokes people would tell when they suddenly went into a silhouette in the middle of the day, like sometimes I have seen people do. For example, after you fight with Becky McGuire, a lot of times when I come to comfort you, I feel like am walking in a very dark shadow, like a silhouette. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but it always goes away when I talk to you. I could never tell a joke when I was all black and silhouettey like that. I am glad to know that “Black Humour” is not that at all. I think your grandpa likes “Black Humour.” He makes a lot of jokes about dying. I don’t think they are very funny. Was your grandpa funny before he got old? My grandpa is funny too, but he tells a lot of silly jokes. He told me one the other day. He said, “Shannon. Did you ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?” I said, “No, grandpa.” He said, “Well. Well. Well.” He had to explain the joke to me, but after he did, I thought it was funny. My grandpa doesn’t tell jokes about graves and plots and cemeteries. I am not going to mock your family. Mocking people is not nice. I should know.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 3:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, tgif & i don’t hafta get asked nemore duncan questionz. eva iz still frantic ‘bout duncan 4 sum reazn. i asked zandra larson, if she wud like me 2 walk her home aftah skool again 2day & she sed no cuz she had 2 walk ovah 2 her bro’s skool aftah her last class. eva sed, “look @her face. she’z practically smilin’. i think she haz a secret meetin’ w/duncan. he’z prolly been hidin’ @her place the whole tyme.” i thot zandra looked az frowny az usual, but i didn’t say that 2 eva. i sed, “y don’t u go stake out her place & c?” i wuz tryin’ 2 sound sarcastic, but eva sed, “thass a gud plan.” then the rest of the day she wuz talkin’ ‘bout how she cud get her ‘rents 2 let her stay out 2nite 2 stake out zandra’z place. i can tell u rite now, no mattah how many tymez eva smirks @me, she iz not gonna drag me out 2 stake out zandra’z house.
oh, u wunted sum joke ‘bout ur fam or u & ur band. how many memberz of 4-evah & eva duz it take 2 change a litebulb? answer is 1, but only if the new litebulb fits on the drum.
At 4:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am covering for Becky again tonight at the Valhalla. I seem to be covering for her a lot lately. She and Luis are going to see Nacho Libre. Apparently Luis is very much into Lucha Libre-style wrestling, and Becky is going to watch the movie and, I am quoting her now, “hear Luis speak intelligently on something.” I told Becky if she wants intelligent conversation she should come to me, but she said, “Howie. A boy has to be able to do a little talking. When Luis is putting hickeys on my neck, he doesn’t say much more than, ‘Gracias. I do my best.’”
I had to agree with her there, but I think Becky will be bored stiff with Luchador talk. When I was younger and participated in Lucha Libre as the masked wrestler “Operatica” usually singing a brief opera area before doing my wrestling moves, I did not find my fellow Luchadors to be great conversationalists. The Lucha libre women wrestlers, Luchadoras, were better talkers, but they were not as stylishly dressed.
I think you wanted a pun on your family. How about: What do you call a Patterson on the golf range? Answer: A Putterson. I guess that is more of a riddle than a pun. Being funny is not what I do best.
Howard K.
At 6:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i'm the real april. if u wanna read "fake april" stuff, read the fake blog.
i reported the convo as mom an' dad told it 2 me. if gramps really did say all that other stuff u sed he did, the reason i didn't write abt it is that mom an' dad never sed nething about it.
but my theory is that gramps didn't say that stuff, but u made it up an' attribbed it 2 gramps so u cd play my "mock the pattersons by punning" game w/out appearing 2. if so, nicely played, michael patterson.
btw, that stuff abt not ending a sentence w/a preposition came abt when 18th-century prescriptivists attempted to "fix" english grammar by over-laying latin grammar on2 it. which was really a silly thing 2 do. that's also where the supposed prohibition against splitting infinitives came from. in latin, the reason u don't do theze thingz is u can't. latin infinitives are made of just one word, so no splitting. prepositions are built into the declensions.
jeremy, lol on yr joke abt fitting on2 ger'z drum. yeah, we totally earned that one, eh?
dunc, i m glad u r ok. i hope zandra can talk u in2 sticking around. my mom and yr mom had a meeting of the "find duncan anderson" committee @ our house this morning while i was @ school, apparently.
howard, i guess that's a punny riddle. don't worry abt not feeling funny enuf. my fam'z punz r almost never funny!
shan, no prob abt not wanting 2 mock my fam.
paul, i agree that if liz wd tell me abt that stuff, it wd b more interesting than the death talk. i dunno if ne1 is gambling abt my fam'z punz. it was mostly a joke.
apes
At 6:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Fake little sis. Now I know you are not real April. You have insulted my journalistic integrity, something real April would not ever consider doing. You encourage mocking our family, something real April would not ever consider doing. You have suggested that Mom and Dad would leave something out of one of the stories they tell, which is something that…um…all right, you have me on this one. Mom won’t even say the word “cremation,” much less repeat accurately to my little sis an entire story about it. Fortunately, I got my information from a better and more reliable source than Mom, as far as cremation stories go. As for dangling prepositions, I can tell that the quality of education at R.P. Senior Secondary School is not the same as it once was when I walked those hallowed halls. Either that, or you go to a different school than the real April.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, mike, if i'm "fake", then u don't have a sister named april. if i'm "fake", there is no april patterson.
but the truth is if u think all that stuff is so un-april-like, then u just don't know me @ all. which isn't a surprise, since i was only 3 when u left home.
if u don't know that stuff abt 18th-c prescriptivism, then our education has gotten better, not worse.
apes
At 7:12 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
WTF? Y do u think Ive bn talking 2 Zed? Tell evry1 esp yr mom that Ive not bn talking 2 Zed & Ive not bn staying @ Zeds place. Im a fugitive living rough in TO.
Got 2 go. Bambi & I r in charge of buying refreshments 4 the squat partee 2nite.
Fish Boy
At 7:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Nice try fake little sis, but my real little sis would know that I left R.P.Boire Senior Secondary School after grade 13, when I was 19 years old. My real little sis would know I turned 30 years old this year, so I when I left for university was 11 years ago. My real little sis just turned 15, so she would know that I left home when she was 4 years and not 3 years old. You may think you can fool Michael Patterson, but you have failed to realize that I am a Patterson and Pattersons are not fools. I don’t know what you have done with the real April, but I have already called Mom to let her know that there is a fake April running around. Mom said that once she finishes eating, she would investigate the situation completely and give it all the time and effort it deserved. You should leave now, before she brings all her motherly wrath down upon your head.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, mom sed she'z not dun eating, but she took a break 2 c what this "new foolishness of mike's is all abt". she'z abt 2 call u an' tell u 2 stop bothering her w/nonsense so she can eat in peace.
xcuse me v. much 4 not remembering v. well fr the time i was 3-4 yrs old. real mike would understand that. u must b fake mike.
apes
At 8:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Fake little sis. I got a call from Mom. You win this round. But wait until you see my new column in the Clarion called "Exposing Fake Sisters." Soon, your deceipt will be exposed to the world, and I may get some more work out of it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am hidin' b-hind a bush w/eva abuya outside zandra larson's house, stakin' it out 4 duncan anderson. how did this happ? don't i have ne will of my own? i swear a pretty girl can get me 2 do nething. i wud say that eva smellz rilly gud, but i suspect that her new perfume iz not ntended 4 me.
At 9:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, if u were real-mike u'd know howta spell "deceit".
jeremy, d00d, b careful, eh?
apes
At 9:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
Fake little sis. Oopsie. That's what happens when you get too dependent on spell-checkers. Let that be a lesson to you, fake April. By the way, the real April would know how to spell "how to."
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
hahahaha, u don't know me @ all, mike, not @ all! that's y all this talk of "fake april". u have an imaginary april in yr head who's this goody-goody, "i love mom and dad", "patterson's r perfect" kinda girl. u gave yrself away w/that comment about "how to". duh, obvs i know "how to" spell "how to". have u not noticed my frequent use of netspeak, abbreviations, and alternate spellingz? gah, did u just get here? have u never read this blog b4?
btw, mayB u shd interrogate dee an' make sure she'z not a fake, either.
apes
At 9:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, we totally spotted Duncan! Yeehaw, this cowgirl has some wranglin' to do! But Jeremy wants to stop me!
Eva
At 11:45 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Evah, u r so deluded. I dunno where u think u saw me but u r rong. Im a fugitive on the run.
p.s. I dont no nething abt cows xcept theres beef & milk & ice cream in stores cld u talk abt goats instead.
At 2:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i told myself that no mattah how much eva smirked @me, i wuz not stakin’ out zandra’z house. we got there, & i sed, “wut? r we just gonna stand out front all nite 2c if duncan showz up?” eva sed, “no we need cover.” i sed, “cover? this iz a suburban yard, there’z no cover.” eva sed, “b-hind thoze bushez.” i sed, “u gotta b kiddin’.” so i d-cided 2 rite u so u cud help me out, which didn’t happ. then we saw duncan walkin’ up 2 the house. well, i say walkin’, but he wuz doin’ this thing where he stops b-hind a tree & looks around & then he stops b-hind anothah tree & looks around. it wuz rilly st00pid. eva sed, “yeehaw, this cowgirl has sum wranglin' 2 do!” then she pulled out this rope frum sumplace. i h8 2 think where she wuz hidin’ it. she tied it into a lasso, & she wuz gettin’ ready 2 rope duncan. so i grabbed the rope 2 try 2 stop her & duncan saw us or heard us or sumthin’ & he started runnin’ away. eva started 2 get outa the bushes 2 chase him & she wuz v.v. noisy. i sed, “quiet. or we’ll get caught 4 trespassin’.” eva sed, “no we can arrest zandra 4 aidin’ & abettin’ a fugitive.” i sed, “wut fugitive? do uc duncan nemore?” eva sed, “rattlesnakes! he has let out like a goat n the cowpen.” i sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout?” then this little kid stepped outside & he spotted eva & sed sumthing ‘bout a storm comin’ up. the sky looked clear 2 me. but then i realized he wuz talkin’ ‘bout storm, the x-man, or x-woman, i guess. zandra came out & asked us wut we were doin’ out there.
eva sed, “we r here 2 arrest…”
i interrupted, “a burglar. we saw him try 2 get n2 ur house thru the bushes.”
eva sed, “don’t try 2 fool us, zandra. i am accustomed 2 the tricks of a confidence man, or in ur case a …”
i interrupted, “plant-lover. these bushes r so lush & beautiful. u obviously have a green thumb.”
eva sed, “ne bushez zandra wud grow wud prolly only b mutant plants. but thass b-side the point. we know u have been helpin’ out…”
i interrupted, “senior citizenz. the 1s lost n the middle of the night. u know rogue senior citizenz. u help them out.”
eva sed, “stop interruptin’ me jeremy. this bush iz not ur own personal space. if u don’t stop, i am gonna give u a punch rite n the…”
i sed, “punch bowl. nothing like something cold & citrusy 4 a l8 evenin’ n a bush n fronta sum1’s house, who can identify us 2 the police.”
eva sed, “so u have heard our accusation. wut do u think of that?”
zandra sed sumthin’ ‘bout normal plants, a g-dad n oshawa, & not havin’ ne confidence. it wuz a pretty good sign she didn’t have a clue wut eva wuz talkin’ ‘bout.
i whispered 2 eva, “we bettah go b4 she gets mad ‘bout our trespassin’.” eva sed, “all rite, but only cuz i can’t c duncan ne more. i know that girl iz up 2 sumthin’.” then we sat down the road 4 awhile w8in’ 2c if duncan wuz comin’ back, but we didn’t c him again @all. eva sed, “y did u stop me from ropin’ duncan?” i sed, “u evah roped a human b4?” eva sed, “no.” i sed, “lemme tell u, wen rebeccah broke up w/me & there wuz this booby-trap outside my house w/ropes, i got sum pretty nice rope burnz. they don’t feel v. good.” eva sed, “oh. sorry. y wuz there a booby trap outside ur house, wen becky broke up w/u?” i sed, “rebeccah duzn’t like 2b called fat.” eva sed, “well that makes perfect sense.”
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