April's Real Blog

Monday, June 19, 2006

Somehow it becomes all about Jesse again!

Liz has had her last day of school in Mtig, and after she wished her class a gr8 summer, Ellen was all, "U're not coming back 2 teach us, R U, Miss Patterson." Liz tells me she sed it like a st8ment, not a question. And Liz told her, "No, Ellen. I've decided 2 stay in the city." Ellen asked her, "Will U ever come back?" And Liz was, like, "Of course I will!" And Jesse horned in, all, "That's what every1 sez." And Liz told him, "Jesse, I never 4get my friends and I never 4get a promise." Jesse asked, "I will C U again?" (Weird phrasing!) Liz sed, "Yes, U will." Then she put a hand on his shoulder and sed, "And that, my friend...is a promise." Which, I guess, was 2 reassure Jesse that this was true and all, but what happened 2, like, reassuring Ellen? How come everything alwayz endz up w/all Jesse all the time w/Liz when she'z dealing w/her students, eh? Hey, I wonder if the class she'll teach this summer is holding auditions for "centre of Miss Patterson's teaching universe" rite now.

So, Becks is organizing as many rehearsals as we can fit between examz cuz we have our prom gig this coming Friday, June 23! She's been so bizzy w/, well, other stuff, that we haven't rehearsed as much as we'd all wanted 2. But I think it'll all come 2gether this week.



  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister, my sweet girl and her last few days in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Your sister had her own version of this story she told me. I have learned my sweet girl is very careful the way she answers questions. For example, Ellen asked, “Will you ever come back?” So my sweet girl could say “Of course I will!” She said to me, “Paul. Because Ellen used the word ‘ever’, when I come back could be next year. It could be 20 years from now. It could be I forgot something on the road to Mississauga and I turn back around to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to get it.” Jesse Mukwa did not phrase his question very well either. He said, “I will see you again?” When she was telling me this story on the phone, she said, “Paul. It was so easy to fulfill that promise. I grabbed Jesse by the shoulders and made sure he looked me in the eye, and he saw me again. I love fulfilling promises.”

    I said to my sweet girl. “But we are going to visit Mtigwaki again. I have relatives there. Even though I have seen them a lot when I went there to visit you, I still plan for us to visit them. Don’t you agree?” Your sister said, “You didn’t phrase that exactly right.” I said, “What do you mean?” My sweet girl said, “You should have said, ‘I still plan for them to be visited someday.’” I said, “You don’t want to visit them?” My sweet girl said, “Someday. Use open-ended phrases, Paul when you make a promise. That way, you can always keep your promise.” It was an odd conversation, but I was very happy your sister was talking to me and not handing the phone over to Shiimsa for a change.

    I think the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) have a farewell planned for your sister, some day. And maybe on that day, some time in the future, I may be invited to see your sister again. I am practicing my open-ended phrases now, to help me speak with my sweet girl.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:26 AM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    Your sister’s student, Jesse Mukwa has separation issues. I know, because I have them too. It took me a long time before I could stand to be away from my mom. Even today I get a little nervous when she drops me off at school. I never felt that way about a teacher though.

    I think your sister’s student thinks of your sister, like she is his mom. You have told a lot of stories about how he is around where she lives all the time, and she gives him food. I know that is not right. Your sister should have told him to go away and she should not give him food.

    We had a stray dog around our house once. My momma told me I should not feed the dog or let him in the house, or it will never go away. She said, “Don’t feed a stray dog unless you want to keep it.” I fed the dog, anyway. He was so cute. My momma was right though. He did not go away. He bit my brother Blair, and momma had to have him taken away. When you write about your sister and her student, I think of the dog. It was because your sister fed him and let him in the house. She should have told him, “Go away! You will get no food here!” I hope your sister’s student doesn’t bite someone.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Another very telling story about our dear sister, LIzardbreath. I know just how she feels about leaving a place, except on a grander scale of course. When I was fired from Portrait Magazine years ago, for doing my ground-breaking work on the fashion designer Divala, the people from Portrait Magazine (aside from the idiot who fired me), were weeping as I left. Just as our sister is doing now, I made promises that I would be back and everything would be set right again. At the time, I was just saying that to make all those crying people happy, but little did I suspect that I would actually be able to live up to that promise. And live up to it I have. Portrait Magazine has won several awards under my helm and has never done better

    Obviously, our sister has the same devastating effect on her students--at least 2 of them, anyway. She needs to expand her effects. I was a little disappointed that your story did not include all of her students, weeping and wailing and gnashing their teeth and rending their clothes for Liz to be leaving them. I suppose our sister will develop that skill someday, or it is simply because her efforts are divided between her students and her boyfriend, who is no doubt weeping and wailing and gnashing his teeth that Liz is leaving wherever it is that Liz is leaving, even I as write this.

    This is your destiny too, little sis. When you leave Milborough to go to university, think of the devastation you will leave in your wake. It is so good to be a Patterson.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:57 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, rebeccah iz crayzee if she thinks we r gonna get n a lotta rehearsalz n exam week. i will show 2 do the sound, but u know i am gonna b studyin’ the whole tyme u guyz r playin’. b-sides, the last couple of rehearsalz nevah came off, cuz rebeccah & luis were constantly goin’ off sumwhere. rebeccah haz a big scarf tied ‘round her neck 2day. wen i asked her ‘bout it she sed, “howie iz a big, freakin’ nurse maid.” i guess that meanz he wunts her neck 2 heal frum all luis’ hickeys on her neck. it wuz not lookin’ good wen i saw it yestahday, so i actually agree w/howeird ‘bout sumthin’ 4 a change.

    april, sumtymez i wondah if u like ur sis. every story u tell ‘bout her iz this stuff that makes her look like she iz 1 of the worst teacherz evah. lemme think of all the teacherz i have had that moved away i wud want 2 come back & visit me. i wud say, -5, cuz there r 5 teacherz, i wish had moved away that didn’t. this kid, jesse, who worships ur sis, iz obviously whacked & ur sis haz done nothin’ but make it worse. now she made this promise she iz gonna come back, & if she duzn’t come back az soon az this whacked kid wunts, then he iz prolly gonna leave home 2 find her. ur sis iz so st00pid. duzn’t she know nething ‘bout kidz?

    if i hadda sis teacher who wuz this clueless, i dunno if i wud rite ‘bout it. i wud prolly rite sumthin’ like, “my sis had her last day @skool. sum of the kidz were sad 2c her go.” that makes her sound more normal. but i guess i can c ur point 2. if u rote sumthin’ like that, it wud b borin’. & aftah 2 weeks of burial plots, we don’t need ne more borin’.

  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I thought your sister had come to her senses to leave that wretched place, Mtigwaki behind. But then she makes a promise to visit it again. That is something I would never do. My one visit on one day was enough to last me a lifetime.

    But onto other things. In case you are wondering, Becky has medical permission to wear the scarf, so it is not a violation of the dress code at your school. Also, I will be providing supper when the band rehearses at Becky’s house tonight. Much to my regret, I discovered Becky has not been studying with Luis as much as I hoped. I gave her a verbal pop quiz on her examination material today, and let us say, I was disappointed with her performance. So, in between songs, I will be quizzing all of you on exam material, and it will not be in game show style as I was informed happened yesterday. Becky has had academic difficulties this year and she does not need to be falling back. See you tonight.

    Howard K.

  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i just wrote what liz told me. i agree w/every1 who sez jesse seems way 2 attached 2 liz. shannon, i never thot giving jesse snax an' letting him in her apt were v. gd ideas. i also agree w/every1 who thinx her promises sound kinda, well, the sorta promises u don't believe.

    howard wants 2 quiz us now, so gotta go!


  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger howard said…

    OK. New rules for the quizzes.
    Eva. Your answer cannot include any analogies to cowboys or cell phones.
    Gerald. Your answer cannot include mentioning an Icelandic saga.
    Luis. Your answer cannot include a request to consult with Becky in a closet.
    Becky. Your answer cannot include a request to take that scarf off, and no, I don’t have to leave the room to get more naked juice.
    Jeremy. Your answer cannot include any references to Eva’s breasts.
    Duncan. Your answer cannot include any references to goats or being pushed in goat pens.
    April. Your answer cannot include a request for a staring contest. Where did you get that idea anyway?

    Howard K.

  • At 6:42 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, howeird iz a jerk. wen the answer 2 the question iz “the event wuz the bubonic plague” it iz not ‘bout eva’z boobs. howeird haz gr8 snax tho. & yes, since u asked, u have nice boobz 2. i am not sure y u asked that question.

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    I had my 1st exam 2day & I have 2 agree w/ Howie that game show style is mayb not the gr8est way 2 study.

    I dont have an xam 2morrow which is so cube cos TnTs playing Paraguay @ 2 pm. Sweden & England r also playing @ 2 pm. I wldnt want 2 b Zed 2morrow cos her granddads supporting England & her dad & Arne r supporting Sweden. "Dean" & my mom have the day off work 2morrow 2 c Psycho Perdita & Goat Baby off @ the airport. I promised Zed Id keep "Dean" away from his bud Arne @ match time so I told "Dean" he has 2 watch the TnT match w/ me.


    Fish Boy

    p.s. Jer & I r taking a study break 4 the hockey game its the Stanley Cup game. Jers supporting Edmonton but Im supporting Carolina I no its unpatriotic but I dont care I h8 h8 h8 Edmonton.

  • At 7:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the problem iz, it haz been since 1993 since the canadiens 1 the cup. we were only 2 yo. i don't remembah wut it iz like 4 the cup 2 go 2 canada. 'course duncan wuz n barbados wen he wuz 2 yo, so he rilly haz no idea. i dunno wut's wrong w/him. it wud b like a crime 4 carolina 2 win the cup.

  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx again 4 helping us study, howard. i'm not sure y i wanted 2 have a staring contest, but then when i tried i kept blinking. that was weird.

    jeremy, sorry i got u 2 say i had nice boobz, only 2 end up w/ger yellin' @ u 4 lookin' @ 'em. it was understandable that u were all "i hafta look 2 answer april's question." i shda known better than 2 ask a question that wd cause such probz. i guess i must a been a lil jellus that eva'z boobs get so much attention fr. all the boyz.


  • At 7:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, no prob tellin’ u ‘bout ur boobz. i don’t mind gerald yellin’ @me. i can cut hiz sound down so i can’t hear him. b-sidez, az ur bf, it’z hiz responsibility 2 compliment ur boobz so u don’t get jellus of eva’z boobz. if u were my gf, i wud tell u ‘bout ur boobz all the tyme. w8. that didn’t come out rite. i mean ur boobz wud get a lotta of attention, so they wudn’t feel jellus of ne othah girl’z boobz. w8. that wuzn’t rite either. i think i bettah shut up now.

  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It's off to the Valhalla for me to do my show. You guys will have to quiz yourselves, if you can tear your eyes away from the NHL final long enough to do that. By the by, I have hidden all the sharp objects in the house from Becky, so that scarf is staying on until her neck is healed. If you hear her say, "Where are the scissors?" or "Where did Howie put the cooking knives?", that's what happened. I will take off the scarf after I get back and Luis is back home. There is more naked juice in the main house refrigerator, if you run out. You know where it is. Good luck with rehearsal.

    Howard K.

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, carolina scored. i am gettin' depressed now. altho i gotta say rebeccah's hdtv & sound system r fantastic & i rilly like it wen eva sits w/me 2 watch the game. & durin' the commercial breaks it iz pretty funny 2c rebeccah tryin' to cut thru that scarf w/fingernail clipperz. mebbe that will help me thru my depression.

  • At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    I was a little surprised when Becky wanted to inspect everyone's teeth to see if anyone's might be sharp enough to cut through her scarf. And April, you were funny when you were all, "No! As a dentist's daughter, I can't allow that to happen!"


  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i kinda surprised myself when i reacted like that. i didn't even know i had such strong feelings abt dental care. i wonder if dad sorta hypnotized me abt teeth when i was v. yung and impressionable!


  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, d00d, the Leafs r my team. They havent 1 since 1967. Oh, man, now Im rilly bummed again.

    Go, 'Canes, go!


    Fish Boy

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, wut r u talkin' 'bout, u didn't know u had such strong feelings 'bout dental care? u carry a roll of floss n ur purse! i still remembah ur reaction that 1 tyme wen gerald opened that bottle top by grippin' it w/hiz teeth & turning the bottle w/hiz handz & u fainted! & i don't think ne1 haz 4gotten the lecture u gave rebeccah 'bout crunchin' ice cubez w/ur teeth. hypnotized! gimme a break. ur a dentist's daughter & u care 'bout teeth. i think it's cute. u don't hafta b mbarrassed. we're all ur friendz u know. xxcept 4 duncan, cuz he iz supportin' carolina.

  • At 9:35 PM, Anonymous luis said…

    Mierda! Howard put hot chili powder on Becky's scarf. I think I do not like that man.

  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    crap! carolina scored again! well, i didn't know fish boy had a fish boy goal-scorin' dance, but now i do.

  • At 10:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    2nd period done & edmonton haz still not scored. i'm gettin' all depressed now. eva iz tellin' me a story 'bout how if a cowboy survivez a gunfite, he can still come back & fite anothah day. it duzn't make ne sense 2 me, but she iz rubbin' my head & that's helpin' a little w/my depression.

    now rebeccah iz runnin' 'round tryin' 2 figger out where howeird put the breakable glasses. i wondahed y he served us w/theze triple-thick plastic thingz.

    now april haz walked back frum wherevah she & gerald went & gerald haz got sum hickeyz on hiz neck. wow! thass just cold, april. cold, but pretty funny.

  • At 11:08 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    The game is ovah. Carolina 3, Oilers 1! Yes, yes, yes!!!!!!! Carolina scored on the empty net after the Oilers pulled their goalie.

    Got 2 invent another Fish Boy dance Jer rilly h8s them.


  • At 1:28 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it wuzn’t cuz duncan’z fish boy dance wuz so gud every1 joined n w/him ncludin’ u & luis & rebeccah & gerald & eva. it wuzn’t cuz edmonton cudn’t get anothah goal 2 tie it up n the 3rd & got beat by carolina, & not by a decent team. it wuzn’t cuz canada hazta go thru anothah year not havin’ the cup. sum of that naked juice got n my eye wuz the problem. it kinda made me tear up, u know, wen thingz get n ur eye. neway, i got that naked juice outa my eye & i feel much bettah, eh?


Post a Comment

<< Home