April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Enter Melville

So, when Mike was over here @ our house last nite, he told us abt sumthin' that happed Monday. Yep, today's Thursday, but Mike's story has only just progressed fr. Sunday nite 2 Monday evening. But by now, U know that's how Patterson storytelling goez. @ the end of this installment, I went off 2 rehearse w/the band, but I have a feeling I'll have a bit more 2 tell U on this subj. 2morrow and Sat, since that 2 is the Patterson pattern.

Mike told Lovey he'd been unable 2 fix the air conditioner, and he was, like, all apologetic abt it. She told him 2 buy another & bill her, all ":tsk:" and "Feh! It's always sumthing!" They were having this convo fr. the front porch, and Melville Kelpfroth spotted them fr. his front window, so he came wearing his polka-dotted boxers an' his wife-beater undershirt, and holding a cigar in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Mel was all, "A little warm, R we? Heh, that's how theze old houses R! No central air. --I'm glad we have the downstairz apartment. It's so much cooler." Which was sort of odd 4 him 2 say, as I don't think he'z ev. been upstairz. NEway, Mel went on, "By the way, we've been meaning 2 ask U 2 move the kiddie pool around 2 the back." Merrie was playing in it just then. Mike was, like, "But it's so nice and shady here." And Mel was all, "Yeah...But it's kind of an eyesore." Mike sed he was all gobsmacked cuz Mel, in his skivviez, was a major eyesore like that. When I asked him whether only beautiful ppl were allowed 2 have a, like, "aesthetic sense" abt their surroundingz, Mike got annoyed w/me and changed the subj.

So, we had a pretty cube rehearsal, even tho we hadta get used 2 a diff drumming style. Ger, "yr" drumming pace is kinda like the Ramones l8ly!



  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writing about your niijikiwenh (brother’s) discussion with his neighbour about his nidaanis (daughter’s) kiddie pool. I do not know the ordinance for property appearance in your brother’s neighbourhood. In Otter County, the laws for property have to do with creating public health hazards. So, if your brother lived in Otter County, he would not have to move his kiddie pool because it was an eyesore. It would not be considered a health hazard compared to broken down cars poorly balanced on cinder blocks like where Chipper (Susan Dokis) lived, or the roaming packs of stray dogs in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    I spoke with your sister for our usual two hours last night. She told me the shared kitchen of her apartment has caused her some problems. In Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), she was used to getting up in the middle of the night for a snack to calm her nerves. When she has done that, she has discovered more than once, one of the persons with whom she shares the apartment is there in their underwear and many times they are in the mood to talk. My sweet girl said many things about how people should not be wandering around in their underwear at night where people can see them. I told her she must miss the privacy she had in Mtigwaki, where she had her own apartment and she did not have to share a kitchen. Then I was told that having conversations with people in their underwear in the kitchen is much better than people staring in your windows trying to see you in your underwear. I agreed with her.

    I asked Chipper (Susan Dokis) if there were any children in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) with kiddie pools, and she just laughed. Chipper said, “With this lake right there? Not a chance. The kids have been swimming in the lake every day of July and I have gotten to know so many of them, when I go swimming.” Chipper said that the next time I am in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), we should go swimming together, particularly if there are no kids around, so we can have an uninterrupted conversation. It sounds like fun to me. I hope you find the time to do some swimming with your boyfriend also.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I love swimming in kiddie pools. Those are the only pools my parents and brother let me swim in without them watching. I can do the breast stroke and the back stroke all in ½ metre deep of water. You should come over to my house sometime and we can swim together. Our pool is in the back yard. I don’t think mom wants people watching me swim.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Notes from the tour. We are now headed over to Charlottetown on Prince Edward Island for Becky to perform at the 38th annual Charlottetown Festival. Since this is a festival to celebrate Canadian art and culture, Becky’s repertoire is going to include only material she has written herself or stuff written by other Canadians. I fear there will be some Bobby Curtola numbers in her selections. As we passed over the Confederation Bridge to get here, I could see sailboats, whales, and a host of little blonde girls sticking their arms in the water. Such an odd combination.

    I read your Blog entry today, and I suppose you are interested in my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville’s perspective on the events you wrote about. My uncle Melville thinks it is hysterical that your brother has to try to repair everything that goes bad in his apartment as a part of his rental agreement, and then has to grovel and beg his landlady Lovey to replace something he can’t repair. He says, “Every time I feel sorry for the guy, I just read my old Clarion Weekly article Knock on Wood and look at the copy of our eviction notice from last October, and it goes away.”

    When he overheard your brother telling his landlady Lovey about the broken air conditioner, and complaining and whining about how hot it was in his apartment in order to try to convince Lovey to replace the air conditioner, he forgot himself and went outside in his underwear so he would not miss an opportunity to taunt your brother. My uncle is a crude man, but usually he does remember to put on his pants when he goes outside. My aunt Winnie jumped all over him for that. Uncle Melville says the more your brother suffers, the more he likes him, particularly since most of the suffering he brings on himself. He thought briefly about hammering on the ceiling when your brother was making so much noise trying to “fix” his ceiling fan with duct tape and his air conditioner went out, but he thought it was so funny, he couldn’t bring himself to ruin the moment. My aunt Winnie was not happy about the leak from the air conditioner, since they just spent their money getting the ceiling repaired last year. But she says that it just left a few water stains on the ceiling and didn’t cause them to have to put anything in the trash. They spot Lovey, the landlady looking through their trash on a regular basis, so they are very careful how they discard the trash these days. As my aunt Winnie says, “Too busy to repair the apartment, but not too busy to search the garbage.”

    That’s about it,
    Howard K.

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I am not sure why you feel it is necessary to ridicule the Patterson pattern of telling stories progressively over a period of days. Many of our closest family friends tell stories the same way, the Bumsteads, Mary Worth, the Winkerbeans, just to name a few. Not only that but you left out some crucial details. You asked me whether only beautiful people were allowed to have an "aesthetic sense" about their surroundings, and I changed the subject to property division. Then I told you that our half of the property extends from the downstairs door (which once led to Meredith's bedroom) to the fence on the right hand side. We place our table, play pool and barbecue on "our side." So, unless Melville is willing to renegotiate which side is our and theirs, the play pool stays where it is. It doesn’t have anything to do with "aesthetic sense," although if I were given a choice it would. I expect you weren’t paying attention, since you seemed to nod off when I was talking about these things.

    Also, I think Melville Kelpfroth is trying to flirt with me. He is a married man and I am a married man, but I know sometimes even married men have urges. I am afraid Melville is having such urge about me. He has been so friendly lately, and as you described in your Blog entry today, he was parading about in his underwear in front of me, I could tell, specifically for the purpose of trying to turn me on. Fortunately, I have a ravishingly beautiful wife, who is always there to satisfy my every need, so I am in no danger whatsoever of succumbing to the lures of Melville Kelpfroth and his foul-smelling cigars and his tight form-fitting shirt and his tight boxers and his hairy chest. Thanks for my lovely Dee for protecting me against his satanic temptations. She is my lifeline.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur bro wuz seriously gonna try 2 repair the air conditioner? thass just crayzee. his place wud burn 2 the ground.

    rebeccah, howeird, marjee mahaha & i r gonna c this musical “anne of green gables” n the confederation centre of the arts 2day. the funny part iz that marjee mahaha iz like my d8 4 this show, cuz rebeccah iz like rilly hangin’ on2 howard theze dayz wen it comez 2 marjee. it iz anothah sitch that duzn’t look strange, cuz i look so old. i actually look oldah than marjee. marjee iz kinda scarin’ me tho. she keeps tellin’ me she prefers oldah men. i think she iz kiddin’, but sumtymez i am not so sure.

  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Yeah, that rehersal space is rilly cube best thing my dad evah did 4 me. I 4got 2 tell u I kept the "tiny waving Duncan" figure from my dads choo-choo display I didnt want 2 c it in yr yard sumday.

    Ger, Zeds got sum rilly good ideas 4 sum punk & goth tunes the band cld do w/ yr nu drumming style. Plus I rilly enjoyed chilling w/ u aft rehersal its good 2 no how 2 get a guy 2 the ground w/ 1 stomach punch cos I mite have 2 punch Mike Patterson out.

    L8r. Shelving breaks ovah.

  • At 3:11 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    School just ended for the day. Wow, it is so hard to teach a full classroom on a set lesson plan for six hours a day! I don't know if I am going to want to teach forever. I can see myself getting burned out in a year or two. That's okay. By then I will probably want to get married anyhow.

    I read about Paul and Susan getting to go on a "swimming date" together and it sounds like so much fun. Too bad none of my friends are in Mississauga. But that's okay, I am coming home this weekend. I need to go see Gordon about that car. I can't wait! I bought a new outfit and some makeup to wear when I go to the lot, and also I got my hair cut. I want to look my best when I buy my first car.

    Once I have my car, it will be easy to come to Milborough every time I have a free minute or two. That way I won't be so lonely and I will be less likely to get depressed. Although I don't think that is very likely to happen anyway. I sleep most of the time I am not at school, which should keep the depression away pretty well I think.

    Anyway April, maybe you and I can have a "swimming date" of our own. I think Mom has one of those plastic kids pools for when Merry and Robin come over. We can fill it up and put on our bikinis and sunbathe. But you are not allowed to eat watermelon, okay?


  • At 3:17 PM, Anonymous susan dokis said…

    Dear Liz, April, and friends,

    Liz, your "swimming date" sound like fun! I can hardly wait for my "swimming date" with Paul. I don't know if he ever told you this story, but Suds was quite a ladies' man back in our days on the pow-wow trail. He was always telling the girls that the only authentic Native way to swim is to skinny dip. Every girl on the pow-wow trail wanted to be the girl who would go skinny dipping with him during the full moon. But in the end, I was the girl he chose. We had so much fun that we scared away all the fish! I have not had so much fun swimming ever since then. Hee hee! But I am sure Paul and I will try.

    I think it sounds very exciting that you are going to buy a car. Are you going to buy a new car, or a used car? I hear there is nothing so wonderful as owning your very own car. Of course I am sure you will probably not want to drive it up north too often, because you will not want to wreck your investment by putting too many miles on it.

    Don't worry, I will look after Mtigwaki for you!

    Sincerely, Susan Dokis

  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no watermelon, liz, promise. hangin' out in the pool soundz cube. i'll buy us sum iced lattes an' we can chill! btw, thanx 4 taking me 2 ikea this past wkend! and dunc, thanx 4 helping me paint my room.

    i'm waving 2 the rest of u who posted, but i'm s00per-tired @ the mo, so i hope u can call 4give me 4 not writing a long comment rite now!!!


  • At 11:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry you are feeling super-tired. I hope Moira Kinney is not working you too hard.

    It has been pretty exciting here. Tonight I heard Bryan Adams, BTO, Barenaked Ladies, The Cowboy Junkies, Diana Krall, k.d. lang, Gordon Lightfoot, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Neil Young, and Bobby Curtola. Quite a repertoire for Becky. I think the Prince Edward Island folks were pleased. I was impressed she knew music written by that many very different Canadians. It made the Bobby Curtola music almost endurable.

    The next stop is St. Johns, Newfoundland for the 5th annual St. Johns Jazz Festival in Harbourside Park. Becky will have to bring out her jazz again, which I will enjoy even more.

    I think Marjee is getting a little bored. She suggested that she dye everyone’s hair blonde in support of Becky. I told her she could try to dye my hair, but the redness of it usually usurps most hair dyes. Jeremy Jones seemed interested though. He has been getting along pretty well with Marjee lately, and I hope for not nefarious reasons.

    Thorvald on the other hand, has taken to lounging around the tour bus in his “I Love the Norse” underwear. I think he is getting a little too comfortable with touring.

    Howard K.

  • At 3:11 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well no1 ended up taking marjee up on her offer so i helped her put blonde hilites in her hair. jeremy is still not dcided whether 2 go blond or not. omg, it is sooooo obvious how much he wants me. jeez, it's pathetic. i dcided 2 take pity on him when we came back 2 the bus after the concert. i grabbed his butt an' he yelped. then i sed "come on back 2 my sleeping suite," an' he followed me just like a puppy dog. but when we got there, dad wuz on my bed in his undies, reading sagas. i wuz like "dad, i need sum privacy!" an' dad sed "sorry, becky-thora, but ur fafa is still deep in2 his research on revenge against whoring sisters and eye-gouging thereupon." an' i sed "but fafa! becky-thora's roadie is in need of sum tlc, if u know what i mean!" an' dad wuz like "becky-thora, i'm worried abt u. u should rilly b in2 ur lesbian phase by now. i m afraid all this time spent with non-vikings is overwhelming ur powerful mcguire nature." an' i wuz like "well, if i promise 2 at least make out w/ a girl on this tour, can i have sum privacy rite now?" dad wuz like "done" an' he jumped up off my bed an' left but when i turned around, jeremy wuz gone. i guess he got shy when i started talking abt him needing sum loving.



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