April's Real Blog

Friday, July 14, 2006

Merrie Gets the Laff Line

So like I guessed, I learned a bit more abt what happed in Mikeland on this past Mon. evening. After Melville complained abt the kiddie pool being an eyesore an' all, Mike told Lovey, his landlady, abt the Kelpfroths wanting the pool in the backyard. Lovey told him 2 leave it where it is, all saying that the K's R never happy, alwayz complaining abt sumthing. "They want the front yard, they want the back yard, they're making me crazy already!" She sed that if the K's don't like neighbours and noise, they shd move 2 the country where there's nobody else. "Complain, complain, complain!! Y don't they go and live in the woods?!!" When I heard that Merrie had a "Patterson laff line" rite after Lovey sed this, I thot mayB Merrie was gonna suggest that Lovey oughta go live in the woods, cuz she was doing a whole buncha complaining herself. That wda been a v. cube laff line! but instead, she was all, "But...That wdn't B fair 2 the animals!!" Oh, and Mike mentioned that Merrie and Robin were both playing in the kiddie pool.

Sum ppl have e-mailed me abt this legal thing called "attractive nuisance". If sum kid comes along and, like, drowns in the kiddie pool, since it's out in the open insteada being, like, fenced off an' having warning signs and stuff, then Mike, Dee, Lovey, and mayB even the Kelps cd get in2 big trub. So Mel is actually rite that the pool oughta B in back, tho not 4 the reason he sed.

I'm glad 2 hear Becks' tour is going so well. I miss U all, hope U're back soon!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. What a lifesaver Lovey is. If I had to move the kiddie pool to the back yard, my kids would have been exposed to the hot sun and then, what would have happened? Sunburn is what. Melville Kelpfroth just wants to hurt my kids. Thanks to Lovey, we don’t have to worry about that.

    As for the people who e-mailed you about “attractive nuisance,” please let them know the yard does have a fence. I think I mentioned it to you yesterday. That fence should keep out any little, young mischievous, suicidal neigbourhood children from our kiddie pool.

    Well, you complimented my daughter’s laugh line. I should tell you when I passed on that compliment to my daughter, she has inspired me to write a children’s book. This is what happened. I said to my daughter, “Your auntie April complimented you on your laugh line the other day.” My daughter said, “Laugh line?” I said, “When you said, ‘But...That wouldn't be fair to the animals!!’ about the Kelpfroths living in the woods.” My daughter said, “Laugh line?” I said, “When you say something funny.” My daughter said, “I know what a laugh line is daddy. I was confused because I wasn’t trying to be funny.” I said, “I know. It was simply your child-like observation of a readily apparent truth.” My daughter said, “No. It was because uncle Mel is the strongest. He would win against the animals.” I said, “Uncle Mel? Win against the animals?” My daughter said, “Uncle Mel is the strongest. He would win.” I said, “Melville Kelpfroth is a fat, ugly, smelling, smoking, drinking, boring slob. The only way he is the strongest is from odour.” My daughter said, “No, daddy. Uncle Mel is the strongest. When grandma Mira got into a fight with him, she had to leave. When momma Lovey tried to evict him, he won and he is still here. When he yells at you, you hide in the attic or go to uncle Weed’s. When he pounds the floor, momma Deanna tells us to be quiet and takes off her shoes.” I said, “Your daddy is stronger than uncle Mel…I mean Melville Kelpfroth. I wrote that scathing article in my weekly column in the Clarion about him.” My daughter said, “Oh, daddy. That’s so sad. You are really the weakest one around. Even Robin is stronger than you are.” I said, “That’s not true. I am stronger than Robin.” My daughter said, “When Robin had his earache really bad, momma Lovey had to take him. You hide in the attic, from grandma Mira and grandpa Wilf and momma Deanna and Robin and me.” I said, “That’s not hiding. That’s where I do my work. Daddy is really the strongest. Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who know how to avoid a trouble.” My daughter said, “Are you sure you know what the word ‘strongest’ means, daddy?” I said, “I have a degree in Journalism. I know what the word means. I think you don’t understand how disgusting and awful, Melville Kelpfroth is.” My daughter said, “He’s funny. Robin and I go to his apartment, and he shows me all his cube war stuff. And aunt Winnie is an artist. She has beautiful pictures.” I said, “You have got to be kidding!” My daughter said, “Oh, daddy. There is so much you do not know.” Clearly I have to correct my daughter’s wrong-thinking, and I have decided the best way to do that is a children’s book. I shall call it, “Daddy is the Strongest.” With any luck, not only will it educate my daughter, but it will become a children’s best-seller.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Notes from the tour. I think I told you our next stop is St. Johns, Newfoundland for the 5th annual St. Johns Jazz Festival in Harbourside Park. We are still on the way there. Becky is getting a little stir crazy. It’s a long way to St. Johns. Just to let you know, we have more touring to go to the western provences. It will be a little while before we get home.

    I read your Blog entry today, and I suppose you are interested in my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville’s perspective on the events you wrote about. The kiddie pool is still in the front yard. Uncle Melville is irritated about it, but their landlady Lovey is backing your brother on leaving it in the front. I don’t think he is going to make much more of a big deal about it. Just to let you know, for the record, neither my uncle nor my aunt wants the front yard and the back yard. The only yard space my uncle and aunt need is for hanging out their laundry to dry. Some persons you know have complained about their laundry being eyesores before, but the laundry is only up there temporarily, unlike the kiddie pool and the kids toys which are out in the front yard all the time. Also, they have also never told Lovey they don’t like neighbours. For an apartment dweller, that would just be silly. Me personally, I don’t take sides in these things. However, when the time comes for you to be married with children, I can tell you that keeping the children’s things in the back yard is safer and more appealing to the eye.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    When I think of attractive nuisance, I think of Becky McGuire. She is pretty, but she can be a nuisance. I know you think about her the same way sometimes. Maybe I will call Becky an attractive nuisance the next time I see her. Maybe she doesn’t know what those words mean. She probably does though. That is not a good idea. I will just think it instead.

    Your story about the kid drowning in your brother’s pool is sad. I hope that doesn’t happen. My brother Blair has to empty my kiddy pool every night and put it away. We won’t have any kids drowning in our pool. I need to think some happy thoughts now. I think I am going to go to my apartment.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u know i am not gay, rite? yestahday, aftah the concert, rebeccah sed 4 me 2 come on back 2 her sleeping suite, & thot she wuz talkin’ ‘bout helpin’ me put hilites n my hair, like she did w/marjee, but her dad wuz there n his underwear. then rebeccah sed, “becky-thora's roadie iz n need of sum tlc, if u know wut i mean!" that wuz all i hadda hear. i got outa there az fast az i cud. there iz no way i am sleepin’ w/rebeccah’z dad. i dunno y rebeccah thot i wud need that kinda stuff. mebbe it’s cuz i wuz thinkin’ of lettin’ marjee mahaha change my hair 2 blond. that duzn’t mean i am changin’ 2b gay. rebeccah iz kinda freakin’ me out. wen i tried 2 talk 2 her ‘bout it, she sed, “not now. howie & i r tryin’ 2 figger out whose the best girl 4 me 2 make out w/ on the tour. i don’t want sum cheap slut, whose gonna give me sum mouth disease.” give me ur opinion. if i turn blond, do u think it will make me look gay?

     

  • At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writing about your niijikiwenh (brother’s) discussion with his ashangekwe (landlady) about his nidaanis (daughter’s) kiddie pool. Your niijikiwenh (brother) seems to have a good relationship with his ashangekwe (landlady). Your discussion about attractive nuisance was interesting. In Otter County, there have been some children who have drowned in pools before, but it is rare. Most pool drownings are in full-sized pools and there are few people in Otter County who have those. If this is the issue being raised by your brother’s neighbour, then your brother should do what he can to safeguard the children in his neighbourhood.

    I spoke with your sister for our usual two hours last night. She had many complaints. The school expects her to follow a curriculum. The school expects her to pay attention to the children’s attendance. The school expects her to communicate with all the parents, not just the ones that have problem children. It sounds very different from her school in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Then she said, “And the other apartment dwellers complain too.” Then she told me about complaints of cat hair on the clean dishes in the kitchen and how their plants had been eaten by Shiimsa. “It’s like they expect me to control my cat.” She was not happy. If Toronto is full of complaining people, I am not looking forward to moving there.

    I told your sister, when my transfer goes through, I would look for a house for us. Your sister is so funny. She said, “With separate bedrooms for each of us?” I said, “We could have more than one bedroom.” Then my sweet girl said something I did not understand. She said, “No. No. Paul. It would be too early in our relationship for a house. We must first find an old decrepit apartment, run by an ethnic slumlord, and then suffer while we save the money for a house.” I said I was pretty sure I had enough money so we didn’t have to do that. When you get past your 5th year in the Ontario Provincial Police, the pay is pretty good, even with Toronto prices. Your sister said, “That’s not the point. Even if you were making the money from 3 jobs, you still need to have the early, struggling, young couple experience. Then after that you get to live in a house which someone close to you moves out of for a better home and sells to you for a discount.” I said, “Are you talking about moving into your noos (father’s) house when he goes to his retirement house?” Then your sister said, “No. I was thinking about…Yes. That could be it.” It was very confusing.

    I asked Chipper (Susan Dokis) what she thought about buying houses. She was very funny too. She said, “Oh Paul, you want to buy a house together. I was hoping you would say that.” But I said, “Chipper. You have such a great sense of humour. I was talking about me and Elizabeth when I get my transfer to Toronto.” Chipper said she didn’t know about Toronto real estate, but that if I was interested, we could go and rent a house and live together until the transfer went through, just to see if I liked living in a house. I told Chipper it was a good offer, but I already rent. When I get to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), Chipper said she would take me house-hunting, so I can learn the best way to do it. She said she would give me the woman’s perspective. When I do finally get to Toronto, I will ready.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and Paul,

    I have been thinking about what I said last night about it being important to have the struggling young couple ethnic slumlord/mother substitute experience. I am thinking it might not be so important after all. I mean, what if a girl marries a man who has already been established in a well-paying career for awhile, like as a provincial policeman or as an accountant? Pretending to struggle might be silly and might seem to make fun of the real struggles faced by a young couples like Mike and Dee, who got married right out of college and had to get by on the three tiny incomes you get from being only a pharmacist, a senior editor of Canada's most prestigious monthly magazine, and the greatest Canadian freelance editor and writer ever.

    So I put in a DVD on astronomy for the kids this morning (I figured they could take a break from remedial math for one day, it was an emergency) and called Mom. She says not all couples struggle like her and Dad and Mike and Dee, especially if the couple gets married after they have been out of school for awhile. She says that if a girl is lucky enough to still be able to find a husband after age 22, and a well-off husband at that, that it is acceptable to move into a house right away. However, it should still be a house with some connection to the girl's parents. Ideally, it should be the old family homestead, but Mom said that those go to the oldest son who has children. After that, the next most acceptable thing to do is to buy a house right next door to or across the street from the girl's parents.

    Right after school, Mom picked me up and drove me to Milborough. We took a nice walk in the neighborhood where Dad's retirement house is. We knocked on all the doors of the houses around the house that April calls "the Teeny Tiny Choo-Choo House" and asked if anyone thought they would be dying or moving away soon. The people there did not seem very friendly, but the houses are nice and small but not too small, which Mom says is good for a young couple who doesn't have kids yet, or might have one small stepchild from a previous marriage to an evil harpy who didn't have a big enough heart or brain to understand that of course the husband could not love her as much as he loved his first true childhood sweetheart. Or for if Jesse and his Aunt Marg ever come for a visit.

    Then we knocked on the door of Mom and Dad's retirement house again. The man who answered the door was pushing an oxygen tank on a little cart with wheels. Mom asked him how his health was. The man was very rude. He said, "You Pattersons again! Leave me alone!" and slammed the door. Mom was so excited. She was like, "He must be cranky because he got bad news from his doctor. Our retirement plans are back on the fast track!"

    Then we went to the city planning office and Mom bought a plat map that listed all the landowners in that neighborhood. Then we went and looked them up at the local library. Well, Mom did the research and I watched. Most of the people who own those houses in that neighborhood are really old. Mom says not to worry, that someone there will die soon to free up a house for me and my husband. She said something like "the good witch of the north will provide."

    I told Mom about Paul's ideas though and she got upset, reminding me that it is never okay for a couple to buy a house before they are married. She also reminded me that "good Pattersons" only get one chance to do something outside the traditional Patterson life rules. For example, a man Patterson might be a stay-at-home dad for a little while, or a girl Patterson might live with her college boyfriend. But they only get one chance to do something like that, and also, there must be a good "cover story" or explanation, like the man was unfairly laid off from his job, or the girl had her own bedroom. She says I used up my one chance to be non-traditional and showed the world that Pattersons can be "modern," and she is very proud of me for learning my lesson and being more traditional ever since then. That made me feel so happy. I think I will try harder to be even more traditional from now on, to please Mom.

    So Paul, I can't live with any man until I get married. Sorry. But, if you love me, you will drive down to Milborough this weekend and help me do another round of door knocking in the retirement house neighborhood. Mom says it is important to remind the locals regularly of your interest in their property. Otherwise, they might forget how things are supposed to work out in the end.

    Liz

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u're not much for the close reading, eh? i didn't so much compliment merrie's (yr daughter's name is meredith, aka merrie, btw) laff line, as i complimented the laff line i thot she mite say, but didn't say. howev, i gotta give her props 4 that stuff she sed 2 u abt u being the weakest. that girl is totally paying attention!

    hi, howard, like usual, i can't account 4 my bro or his landlady!

    shan, yeah, i don't like 2 think abt stuff like that either!

    jeremy, i don't think u'd look gay w/blond hair. i also don't think becks was trying 2 hook u up w/yr dad. i think she was trying 2 hook u up w/herself!

    paul, it soundz like susan is v. v. friendly 2 u. but it wdn't b v. practical 4 u 2 live in mtig an' commute 2 otter county, eh?

    liz, if u an' mom keep that up w/the oldfoax in the lil houses, they mite end up getting restraining order against u!

    apes

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

    I read your writings that your ngashi (mother) said the next most acceptable thing to do is to buy a house right next door to or across the street from the girl's parents. I don’t know how that would work. You work in Mississauga and when my transfer is approved, I will work in Toronto. Living across the street from your ngashi (mother) does not sound like easy travel for work. Also, your ngashi (mother) would expect us to eat often at her house for dinner. It has been over a week and I can still taste that pot roast and pie, from where it came up on the road back to Otter County. I know you warned me not to eat it, but I thought it would be rude to throw the food to the dogs, when your mother was not looking. Once again, I learned something new from my sweet girl. There is no such thing as healthy, green meat. For the sake of our health, I think we should live a little further away.

    I am disappointed you will not live with me until we get married. From your niijikiwenh (brother’s) story and your story about apartments, I think buying or renting a house would be best, even if I have to wait until you can move in. I like things clean, and I do not think I would do well sharing a kitchen or sharing a yard with other, less clean, people.

    Also, I do love you, but sorry, but I cannot drive down to Milborough this weekend and help you do another round of door knocking in the retirement house neighborhood. I used 5 days of my paid time off from work attending your farewell spirit naming ceremony in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and driving you to Milborough, and I do not have that much consecutive time off again to take for a little while. Besides that, if I left now, I wouldn't get there until late Sunday. I only get a few days off every week. I can tell you that my work schedule seems to have changed back to where it was before I met you. My days off are now not just on weekends any more. My partner says it is because I am no longer favoured, but I think she is just using native humour.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. You’re not much for the close reading either. My daughter is not totally paying attention. If she were, she would know her daddy is the strongest. Besides I can’t pass onto my daughter that “Auntie April thought you might say something funny, if you only said the thing she thought you might say.” That’s not much of a compliment, eh? She’s already confused enough as it is. It is important to give her positive feedback, or she might come to the wrong conclusion about things, like who is the strongest.

    I have started my children’s book. Do you think “Daddy is the best in the whole, wide world” or “Daddy is the best in the entire universe” works better? I think “universe” but “world” is one syllable, so my daughter might more easily understand it.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, based on ur recommendation, i am now a blond. rebeccah’s 1st response wuz, “now u look evn oldah.” if ur rite & she wuz tryin’ 2 hook me up w/herself & not her dad, she seemz 2b turned off now. mebbe marjee shouldn’t have made me n2 such a white blond. she’z startin’ 2 scare me a little w/her “i like oldah men” talk or “it’s been a long tyme since i have been w/a str8 guy” talk. i think next tyme i go on a tour w/rebeccah, i will try 2 make sure there r sum othah str8 guyz workin’ crew.

    we finally got 2 st. johns, newfoundland. howie sez he iz takin’ rebeccah 2 a gay / lesbian club 2nite 2 help her find a girl to make out w/. rebeccah’z dad seemed 2b v.v. happ 2 hear that 4 sum reazn. i hope marjee goez w/them, but i have this feelin’ like she izn’t. wut duz it mean wen a girl looks @u & licks her lips?

     

  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    It was a more exciting day than usual at the library. This morning your brother came in and stood in front of the checkout desk.
    "Well, young lady? What do you think of my portrayal of the fair, but resilient, sex? As a somewhat lusty, but also somewhat educated, female, what "notes" do you have to give me on my opus?" I told him that unfortunately I had to check out a lot of books right then, but if he went to the reading room upstairs, I'd be up there in a few minutes with my notes. Your brother took his bag upstairs, springing slightly as he went up the steps.
    I went to the book repair room and started writing on some notepaper. Duncan came in and asked what I was doing.
    "Michael Patterson's back, and he wants my notes on his novel." I kept on writing. Duncan picked up the first sheet and started reading.
    "'Obvious anachronisms, ludicrous and physically impossible sex scenes, unbelievable near-deaths'...how'd he do that?"
    "He had Sheilagh and Dean almost lose a child to drowning in the creek that ran directly in front of their front steps on the farm. Who the hell would build right up next to a creek?"
    "Zed, why do you have three pages of notes on this already?"
    "You should see the ones I left at home. Well, maybe you shouldn't, since they're just pages of "I hate this stupid manuscript" and "My cat barfs better stuff than this." Duncan said he'd go tell your brother I'd be up momentarily.
    He took a long time doing that. The next thing I noticed was that the head librarian was heading up the stairs very quickly. After a minute or two, the librarian came down pulling your brother.
    "Out! You are now permanently banned from the Milborough public library! I don't care if your mother worked here once!" After your brother was shown the door, I asked Duncan what happened. When Duncan went up to the reading room, he saw your brother standing on the table, trying to duct-tape the ceiling fan, muttering "Tinkle-tonkle" very loudly. Duncan asked him what he was doing, and your brother said he was fixing the loud fan. Duncan said, "Dude, the fan doesn't even have a chain. You turn it on with the light switch." Your brother said that Duncan wasn't Duncan, and that the fan was too loud and upset his ears. Duncan went downstairs, told the librarian, and that was it. At least your brother won't be hanging around the library anymore. Duncan suggested I leave the manuscript in an envelope at your father's office.

     

  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i suggest that u not write a children'z book @ all. merrie just called me on my cell an' asked me 2 tell u she doesn't want u 2 write one. she sed "let daddy ruin all the other genres." that kid is v. v. precocious!

    zandra, dunc, omg, my bro is outta control! and i totally get how hard it is 2 try an' write "notes" on that writing and not b, like, totally, flamingly hostile!

    jeremy, i can imagine white-blond mite not b yr best look. darker blond wda prolly worked better. and i think marjee's thinking sum impure thots abt u, yo! soundz like u r not safe on that bus!!!

    apes

     

  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. We had such a discussion about my daughter; I forgot to tell what happened to me today with the tall dark man with the purple lips, who is supposedly your friend, Duncan Anderson, even though he doesn’t look anything like him. I went by the Milborough Public Library to discuss my instant classic, magnus opus about Sheilagh with the librarian, whom you refer to by multiple names all beginning with either voiced or unvoiced sibilance. I can’t keep all those names straight. Her name tag said, “Sandra Larson,” so that is the name I would have used, had I been given a chance. She sent me off to the reading room, and wouldn’t you know it, in the reading room, that most hallowed of all quiet places, there was a noisy ceiling fan tinkling and tonkling away. Of course, I still had all that duct tape, I didn’t get to use to fix mom’s air conditioner, which someone told me was broken, but really wasn’t. So, I thought, “What better way to spend my time than by helping out the local library? Mom would be so proud.”

    While I was doing that, your supposed friend Duncan came in and told me the best way to fix the ceiling fan was to fix the light switch that turned on the power to the fan. Little did I suspect that I was being set up. Yes! By your supposed friend. While I was busy, unscrewing the panel for the light switch and applying duct tape liberally around the interiour, your “friend” brought up a rather burly old lady, whom I did not recognize, but she seemed to know mom. This crusty cretin of a librarian did not seem to be the slightest bit happy at my masterful fixes. Really, she did not even seem to take the time to realize that I had completely subdued the tinkling and tonkling that had been going on in that reading room. All she said was, “A Patterson. I should have known.” I could tell that your supposed friend Duncan had been filling her head with calumny and lies. In most libraries, the name of a Patterson is revered. The next time you see your “friend,” please let him know that I am most unhappy with him and if he ever gets into legal trouble again (which, given his character, I am sure he will), I will not write a letter of recommendation for him, until I get the contract in hand to do so from a reputable publisher.

    As for my children's book, the rough draft was finished and I showed it to my daughter. You know the old phrase, "I laughed, I cried, I hurled" which indicates a quality manuscript (or at least so my publisher tells me)? Well my daughter read my children's book and did all 3 things. My lovely Dee was upset, but I was elated. There is nothing like the validation of the very young. I think my publisher will be delighted, once I get the chunks of half-digested food out of the manuscript.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i mentioned 2 marjee mahaha that u sed darker blond mite b a bettah look 4 me. marjee sed, “who’s the stylist n the bus?” i kinda insisted & she sed it wuz 2 soon 2 change my hair again. then she started runnin’ her handz thru my hair & i sed, “isn’t there nething u can do 2 fix my hair 2 make it darker?” marjee sed, “sure, jeremy.” & she left. then wen she came back, she wuz carryin’ a bottle of chocolate syrup. i am locked n the bus bathroom now. i think next tyme i go on a tour w/rebeccah, i will try 2 make sure there r sum othah str8 guyz workin’ crew. all the othah peeps on the bus went 2 the gay / lesbian nite club w/howie & rebeccah. i am not sure this bus bathroom door iz gonna hold much longah. u know, marjee haz v.v. strong arms.

     

  • At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ha, ha, pukies all over attickguy. ha ha.

    merrie

     

  • At 8:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, I don't know what it is about your friend Jeremy Jones lately, but I am finding him irresistable! I'm going to give that door another yank!

    Marjee

     

  • At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, red hair dye. red hair dye. u know wut my nickname iz now—howard, junior. every1 sez i look like howeird’z luv child, xxcept 4 hiz recedin’ hair line & the dress he iz wearin'. rebeccah iz givin’ me these weird looks & evn howie wuz a little shook up. @least marjee mahaha iz not tryin’ 2 attack me nemore.

     

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