April's Real Blog

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Bank of Mom

Geez, I know I keep harping on this, but when I wanted a friggin' CHICKEN WRAP fr. the school caf, the "Bank of Mom" cdn't give up a coupla looniez and instead Mom pushed her garbage-from-the-fridge wrap on me! Thanx again 2 all of U who took up a collection so I didn't have 2 eat that rancid slop Mom made that day!

But NEway, no $ 4 April 2 buy a cheap school lunch, but Liz wants 2 make a major purchase, and the Bank of Mom wants 2 shove the $ in her hands. I'm ahead of myself, tho, so I'd better back up. When Mom was over @ Liz's, during the impromptu visit, they were having coffee an' cookies on Lizzie's couch, and Mom was all, "How'z the new job?" And Liz was, like, "It's gr8, actually. It's a bit like teaching up north. I have 14 students in the morning and 12 in the afternoon. It's remedial work, so the kidz have different needs and goalz." Hey, Dunc's cat Faustus was rite abt the remedial kindy, I guess. So, Liz went on, "I'm lucky 2 B able 2 walk 2 school, but I'm going 2 have 2 buy a car. ...And B4 I start 2 look 4 one, I'll have 2 talk 2 sum1 @ the bank." While Liz was saying that last bit, Mom was in, like, silhouette, and her profile looked way 2 much like Dad's, according 2 Liz. But that's not imp. rite now. What's imp. is that rite after Liz sed that thing abt having 2 talk 2 sum1 @ the bank, Mom put down her mug, all, "I'm listening." Get it? Bank of Mom. If Apes wants new furniture 4 her room, she needs 2 save up fr. the bookstore job. If Liz wants a CAR, the doors of Bank of Mom R open. Gah, I just can't believe this, only I so, so can, U know?

Mike, just cuz U hear gossip abt sum1 (like Becky) doesn't mean it's true. How can U get 2 age 30 w/out knowing that?



  • At 8:04 AM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…


    This is the most wonderful news. Do you have any idea when Beautiful Liz is going to drop by, hopefully with your mom? (She's been a godsend since the divorce, helping me with the proper folding of towels and loading of dishwashers).

    I've already ordered painters to come in and spruce up the place. Also, I'm redoing the lighting in the convenience store to set a better tonal mood, but this time I'm going to be more careful in my choice of contractors! We don't want any repeat of the electrical fires from last fall, do we? Is her favorite combination still yellow, pink, blue, and brown?

    I'm having fresh flowers delivered every day. There are lovely vases to either side of the coffee urns and a wonderful spray of loose orchids flown in from Hawaii to sit atop the cinnamon bun case (I'm going to try to keep them sprayed so they only have to be replaced every other day, but the heat wilts them almost instantaneously -- orchids aren't the most resiliant blooms). Each salesman will have a fresh vase of birds of paradise on his desk, too, because we don't know who she's going to deal with (in case it's , ahem, a certain newly single family man, I've got an archway of white roses just inside my office door, luckily I'm getting a special wedding rate from Lawrence Poirier, who along with Lakeshore runs the most delightful flower and knicknack shop in town, "Buy Curios").

    Gordon's going to flip when he gets the bill, but I don't care. I don't care one bit! I'm going to make magic in the car lot and turn the filling station into a romantic wonderland (you wouldn't believe the permits you have to get for fireworks that explode above one hundred meters in the air!) if I have to spend every cent in the years operations budget to do it!


  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, nope, i dunno when liz mite b showing up, w/ or w/out mom. she told me "i'll let u know when i decide u need 2 know."

    i dunno, anthony, do u really think u shd b spending so much $ like that, on fireworks, flowers, an' stuff, esp. fr. gordo's operations budget. i've heard this is the kinda thing that can make a biz go oob!

    colours liz likes. not sure, but she likes moose tapestries an' noblenative bead work.


  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writing about my sweet girl’s visit with your ngashi (mother) and her kind offer to be my sweet girl’s banker. Your ngashi (mother) is a fine woman, even if she is not a good cook. I didn’t understand everything you wrote about the chicken wrap, but after eating your mother’s food during my visit, I can understand why you might want to eat something from your school cafeteria instead. It took me awhile to recover from that dinner.

    I was bothered when you wrote your sister compared remedial teaching to teaching in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), but my sweet girl explained it was because she is teaching children in different grades, like she was doing in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    Your sister is very excited about getting a car. The last time we talked, it was all she could talk about. For some reason, the more excited she got, the more I felt gotaajihe (dread). I don’t know why the idea of my sweet girl getting a car bothers me so much. I remember my first car. My noos (father) said, “You want a car, Paul? Anyone you can get off the cinder blocks and working is yours.” I am glad my sweet girl doesn’t have to do that. Getting cars off cinder blocks is not easy. You have to be patient and strong. My friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, got her first car the same way I did. It’s another thing I have in common with her.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 6:09 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. You and Lizardbreath need to learn from your big brother. Do not borrow money from mom. You have to pay it back with interest and after you do, she will keep the cancelled check and display it as if it were a family heirloom. 3 years ago, I borrowed a thousand dollars from mom, just after I had been fired from Portrait magazine, and I have regretted it ever since. Mom and Dad do not give away money for nothing. Gordon Mayes has to give Dad a discounted rate whenever he wants a new car. Lawrence Poirier has to give Mom a discounted rate whenever she wants flowers. Moira Kinney, the new owner of Lilliput’s leases the building space from mom, and I don’t know what she has to do; but I’ll bet you do. I have to put up with that framed cancelled check of mine, hung on the wall of the house in Milborough.

    You can complain about how you had to eat a chicken wrap mom made, or how you have to buy furniture with your own money. If you think about it, little sis, you will realize you have gotten off easy. If you borrowed money from mom to buy that furniture or that chicken wrap, you will never be allowed to forget it, and it will cost you the interest on the purchase too. This is the reason my lovely Deanna and I scrimp and save to buy our own house. Can you imagine what it would be like if mom was our banker for the home loan? If you can’t, then watch what happens between mom and Lizardbreath over her car purchase.

    On a happier note, I am so happy to see my good friend Anthony has started writing you again. He is already making a proper preparation for a Patterson to go car-shopping. And if Lizardbreath is smart, she will realize a single dad accountant for a successful business makes a lot more money and will a better family man than say, someone in a dangerous profession, like law enforcement. Don’t you agree?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Today, we are in Whitehorse for Beyond Words…the 19th Yukon International Storytelling Festival. I know it seems a little strange for Becky, a singer, to be at a storytelling festival, but a lot of the performers use songs to tell stories. Becky has gone through her repertoire of songs to choose those that are story-telling like. That way she can perform a bit like a storyteller.

    Your mother would be excited to know that one of the performers is a woman named Sharone Maldaver, who is from Whitehorse, Yukon. Her bio says: Yukon veteran and champion of the menopausal woman, Sharone shares her mid-life experiences about womanhood and Menopower. She and your mother could swap stories or at least flap their arms together.

    Marjee Mahaha is enjoying the First Nations culture, which is prevalent here in Whitehorse. She has taken up with a fellow by the name of Kwanlin Dun. I call him Kwanlin Hung like a Whitehorse. Marjee hates the nickname, but I don’t think she would disagree about the reason for the nickname.

    Jeremy Jones is still redhanded and rubber gloved and his hair is growing in slowly. Becky said she liked him bald, but then decided she missed his hair and wanted him to grow it back in. She has gone back and forth on the matter a few times. “I miss your smooth head. I miss your hair.” Fickle women can drive a man crazy. Fortunately Jeremy’s hair is coming back in with a colour close to his original natural colour. I wasn’t sure if the red hair dye had penetrated his roots or not.

    As for your situation with your mom and finances, let me remind you someone always has it worse. Every time Becky wants something from Thorvald, they have to have a long conversation about Nordic debts and wergeld. Then usually Becky doesn’t get what she wants and she gets it from me, because we are engaged and I have a duty to protect her, and because I don’t want to get into a long wergeld discussion. Of course, if Becky makes a mistake and calls me Hoskuld, then she gets nothing.

    Howard K.

  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    If you had an apartment like mine, you wouldn't have to worry about paying for furniture or getting money from your mother. My mother doesn't like me to have money anyway. I have to learn how to handle money to get my Toward Independent Living (TIL) certificate. Whenever mom gives me money to buy something, she stands really close. It makes me nervous and I mess up with the money. It makes me cry. Sometimes, if I find money on the street, then I keep it so I can practice using money by myself. It's not enough money to buy furniture in a real apartment, but in my apartment, I got a flat screen television with it and the picture is great. And I have cable TV too. And it's legal. I think I am going to watch The War Bride on the Oxygen Network. It is a really popular movie. I don't know why.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, no, mike, i didn't eat that chicken wrap, since the school took it away cuz of the rotten ingredients. then my friendz took up a collection 2 buy me a chicken wrap in the caf. like i sed.

    howard, hope the storytelling singing goes well. my mom is a big fan of that menopause woman. she's got, like, a dvd of her.

    shannon, wow, that's not so cube of yr mom. mayB when u've saved up a bunch of $, u can come by the bookstore and get a book or mag.


  • At 7:52 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I don't know about going to the bookstore again. The bookshelves are taller than I am. I will get lost, like last time. Are you trying to get me to buy something from your store?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 8:00 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Eat chicken wrap or don't eat chicken wrap. You are missing the point. The point is: Do not borrow money from mom or dad, or you will regret it.

    You're just as bad as talking to Liz about it. I said, "Don't borrow money from mom for your car" and she was "I can't wait to go car-shopping. I miss car-shopping. It will be great to see Gordon again and all the other people who work with Gordon." She changes focus so rapidly. At one moment she is talking about how much she misses that place where she used to live, then the next moment she is talking about how much she wants to buy a car.

    If you borrow money from mom, don't come crying to me, when she starts showing the check around to her theatre and library friends.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, mike, i get it, i won't borrow $ fr. mom.

    shannon, i only suggested the bookstore cuz i work there and that makes me spend a lot of time there. no, if u don't wanna buy nething there, it's fine.


  • At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I like places to buy things that don't have walls. A hot dog vendor or an ice cream truck is good. I don't get lost when I buy a hot dog or an ice cream.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, we'll hafta get ice cream or a hot dog sumtyme, eh?



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