April's Real Blog

Monday, July 24, 2006

Something Missing and Shrinkage

Liz told me abt Mom's impromptu visit. Liz was still in her teaching dress when Mom arrived w/a casserole, all "Surprise!--I haven't heard from U in a while, so I thot I'd drop in." She cda called Liz or e-mailed, but that's Mom, eh? Liz was all, "Mom! am I ever glad 2 C U! Now that I've settled in2 this apartment and have started my new job... reality has finally set in." Mom was all, "U miss Mtigwaki, don't U." She didn't ask it, she stated it. And Liz was, like, "I miss my friends, I miss the school, I miss the community. I miss the lake, I miss the silence, I miss the practical jokes, I miss the sunsets... And I miss Paul. I miss Paul so much." Liz told me, "I realize that instead of listing this, I could have just sed 'Yes', but I didn't want to do that, I wanted 2 list what I miss. And Paul, I wanted 2 mention him w/the other thingz I miss." NEway, Mom's big comeback was, "Lifes' never perfect, Elizabeth. There'z always sumthing missing." And she gave Liz a hug that seemingly caused Liz 2 shrink from being roughly the same height as Mom, if not taller, to being distinctly shorter, with her shoulder maybe five cm lower than Mom's. Liz thinx this is, like, sum designation of superiority in our fam, and when Mom's doling out sympathy (or trying) it puts her in a "superior" position, and the female Patterson receiving the sympathy (Liz or me) gets shorter. I guess we'll hafta track this theory an' see if it holds. I h8 it when I get shorter, it happs 2 me all the time!

Mike, I can totally understand Y Dunc mistook Mom 4 Dad on that day we had the cookout by the lake. Mom was having one of her "looking just like Dad" dayz. U can't blame Dunc 4 that, esp since she had one of thoze sexless hats she likes 2 wear on sunny dayz. He cdn't even C her bun!



  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. My mom hasnt noticed Faustus is missing yet if I keep feeding Falstaff & cleaning the litter boxes I mite buy myself a day or 2 here.

    Im going back 2 Mississauga aft work 2 look sum more & hang up sum lost cat posters. CW took a foto of Faustus yesterday aft we found him in the van CW emailed it 2 me 4 the posters its not a rilly good foto cos Faustus is biting my arm but its the best I got.


  • At 8:08 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, dunc, i e-mailed u lizzie's cell phone #. considering faustus's adventure w/shiimsa up in mtig, i have a feeling they r gonna hook up again.


  • At 8:10 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…



  • At 10:37 AM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Hey Apes, did I tell u about the time ur mom brot her tuna & turnip & beet & horseradish casserole 2 my mom's class & every1 got sick? It was 1 of those n & out deals, IFKWIM, so every1 was fine 30 minutes n2 the second half of class. I guess ur mom's cuisine is an acquired taste....lol

    Neway, the tanning cream is fading & I'm looking more like a carrot than Ernie from Sesame Street. So let me know if u have time 2 meet @ Horny T's this afternoon. :)


  • At 5:44 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writing about my sweet girl’s visit with your ngashi (mother). I was very happy to read she told her ngashi (mother) she missed me along with all those other things she missed. I talk to your sister every night from 10 to midnight, and she usually talks about other things, like feeling like she is being pushed through a sausage grinder, or feeling like everything is upside down, or feeling like she is floating, weightless, in space. If it wasn’t your sister I talked to, I would suspect hallucinogenics. I remember having a conversation with your sister where she said “I miss” a lot. It was before she left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and she was telling me:

    I miss the city.
    I miss my family.
    I miss the museums, the galleries, the theatres, and all the activity.
    I miss the Canadian National Exhibition, or CNE
    I miss all my family’s birthdays.
    I miss not getting to see all the changes mom is making around the house
    I miss spending time with April (you) before she leaves home and starts her adult life who-knows-where.
    I miss not getting to help take care of my sick nephew.
    I miss not getting to watch my dad buy a new car.
    Miss Patterson misses all those things very much.

    None of those things is in your writing, so I guess my sweet girl doesn’t miss them anymore. About Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), my sweet girl is right. Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is probably the cleanest, most prosperous and best-run First Nations community in all of Northwest Ontario. The sunsets over the lake are beautiful and the practical jokes are not too bad. The last time I was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) visiting with my good friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), this is place is almost perfect.” I said, “There’s always something missing.” Chipper said, “I have the job I want, the town I want. The only thing left is to find someone to share it with.” Chipper is pretty ambitious. I am sure before long she’ll have that too. Then maybe she will start making an “I miss” list, like your sister did.

    Chipper did say something odd to me about your sister’s summer school teaching. Chipper has friends in the Peel School District, which is the district for Mississauga. Her friends told her Peel School District summer school hour programs are for Adult Continuing Education and for grades 9-12. Chipper said, “Elizabeth’s qualified in Primary/Junior (K-6), which is what she taught in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). She would need to upgrade her qualifications to at least Junior/Intermediate (4-10) to teach summer school in Mississauga.” When I asked your sister about this, she said, “Oh, Paul. I’m a Patterson. I am qualified to teach all the grades of children. You’ve have only been dating me for a little while. You have a lot to learn about what it means to be a member of the Patterson family. Someone who has been around me for years could understand better.” It was confusing. You have been around your sister for years. Could you explain it to me?

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Sometimes life gives you little surprises. I was reading what you wrote about mom and Lizardbreath, and I suddenly realized what a lucky man I am to have my amazing wife, Deanna. I was just smelling Deanna’s soup cooking on the stove downstairs, where Deanna was preparing yet another soup from leftovers, and her favourite vegetable, carrot coins; when I realized that if I never talked to or called mom, like Lizardbreath does, I could be looking face-to-face with mom’s seafood surprise casserole. Let me tell you little sis. Leftover soup has never smelled so good.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I saw your friend Duncan on television yesterday. The news people were interviewing a boy about a cat which was stealing ribs from rib stands and nobody could catch him. I saw in the back, Duncan was there with his head in his hands and he was saying something again and again. I think it was the name of the cat. The cat’s name was “Omen.” If I had a cat, I wouldn’t name it “Omen”. I think I would name it “April” in honour of you. Would you like it if I named a cat after you?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, nope, mom never told me abt every1 in that class getting sick fr. her food, but she did mention yr mom suddenly changed her policy 2 "ea person bring his/her own refreshments, if needed." and she complained abt how ger'z mom, melanie forsythe, refused 2 even taste it. mom was v. offended. sorry i didn't get a chance 2 meet u @ horny t's, but we had a v. busy day @ the store an' moira asked me 2 stay a bit l8.

    dunc, liz sez she found faustus hiding w/shiimsa, under the bed!

    paul, hm, it's true i've known liz a long time, all my life. but i'm not xxxactly sure abt the "patterson" thing, in this case. mayB mike can tell us. he'z been a patterson a lot longer than i have.

    shannon, the cat is named "faustus", but mayB dunc was saying "oh man." i think if u had a cat named april, that mite get confusing. how 'bout a cat named justin?


  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I can't have a cat. My allergies are too bad. Justin would not be a good name for a cat. Justin is the name for someone who reads to you in a very manly voice. Justin is someone a girl thinks about in a certain kind of way. I don't want to think of a cat that way. Ew!! April! Ew!! I have to go to my apartment now.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky is performing as a part of the Youth Rock mini-festival on the Garden Stage, Floral Clock, in West Vancouver. The overall festival is the West Vancouver 16th annual Harmony Arts Festival. The Youth Rock is only for young performers only. Most of the other groups are guys or all guy bands, except for a 2-girl group called Opening Axe. Becky is thinking of the whole thing, like a competition, since two of the acts already have recording contracts. It’s an outdoor performance and Becky has been pretty tough on Jeremy Jones, who is still wearing rubber gloves to prevent red dye from getting all over everything. I told Jeremy, if he practised the same skin habits I did for keeping my hands soft and supple, then he would have recovered from the hair dye earlier, like I did. But he won’t listen to me. He has been in a foul mood since you wrote Sunday about how you went to the beach with Duncan, Eva and Gerald. I think he has drawn some conclusions about Duncan and Eva, since Duncan’s girlfriend and your other band mate Luis were not there on the beach outing.

    I read what you wrote about your sister. Although I like your sister quite a bit, she seems to be a very unhappy individual. She has not realized that it is not the place where you are that makes you happy. First you have to be happy with yourself. Then you can be happy anywhere. I remember when I first learned this was during my prison days. I was cornered by 5 guys who were all bigger and stronger than I was and I…I need to remember you’re 15. Let’s just say, I learned you can be happy anywhere. Perhaps you can pass that on to your sister, the next time she decides to leave a job, friends, community, and a guy anyone else would fight to stay near.

    Howard K.

  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shan, sorry i upset u. since u can't have a cat irl, mayB u cd imagine one 4 yr apartment.

    howard, pls tell jeremy that dunc barely noticed eva @ the beach the other day. & her bathing suit wasn't even low cut. she didn't seem interested in dunc, either. hope that helps jeremy feel a bit better. and i hope becks totally rocks the youth rock fest.


  • At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. What it means to be a Patterson. You should be able to explain this yourself. Mom and Dad have told you often enough.

    What our Lizard-breathed sister means when her Native policeman boyfriend asks her how she can teach without proper qualification, is that being a Patterson makes you qualified. For example, 3 years ago, there were those who might have questioned how a man 4 years out of J school, could go from being a fired writer from Portrait magazine to being editor of the same magazine. They might have said, “He’s not qualified to be the editor. He’s too young. He doesn’t have any experience as an editor.” I said then, as I say now, “I am a Patterson and any endeavour to which I apply myself will be a rousing success.”

    It is the same with Liz. Even if she doesn’t have the paperwork that says she can teach the summer school in Mississauga, after she teaches for awhile, the school district won’t care what her credentials are. They will recognize that they have a Patterson working for them and all the other petty legal stuff is completely unimportant. After 2 months of work, they will declare her Mississauga Teacher of the Year. It’s same as last year when Liz worked heavy equipment for Lawrence and Nick, for which she did not have a licence. Or the last 2 years Liz worked in a First Nations school barely knowing any of their native language. If you’re a Patterson, you can do anything.

    Consider your own situation. First you write that your band stinks without that slutty Becky McGuire, but a few new members and one rehearsal later, your band is even better than before. Most other people would have to rehearse and rehearse to regain their internal working rhythm. It’s because you are a Patterson, you are able to achieve that level of success. It is your birthright and your legacy. Enjoy it! Embrace it!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno, mike, w/the band, it was like i just had 2 get over my own, like, being unsure an' stuff. then when eva and luis joined, we all just really clicked.

    btw, u don't even know becks, i wish u wd stop saying she'z slutty.


  • At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. "We all just really clicked"? I hope you're not being serious, little sis.

    As for your former friend Becky, I have it on high authority that she is "hands on", "a gig", "roadside", she's "been there" and she isn't coming back. So, "slutty" is not too bad a term, all things considered.

    Michael Patterson


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