Anthony sure moves fast, eh?
So, whichev day it was that Liz went 2 Gordo's dealership w/Mom, Liz was in the parking lot getting ready to test drive a car. Suddenly, Anthony showed up, all, "Elizabeth!" Geez, I guess he got the memo that Liz is all "Elizabeth" lately. NEhow, he went on, "I saw yr mom @ the coffee shop w/Gordon. They sed U were test-driving a few cars!" Hm, curious that they decided Liz shd B doing this alone, eh? Liz, all surprised 4 sum weird reason, was, like, "Anthony?" And, "I was just abt 2 take this 1 for a spin." R U surprised 2 hear that Anthony was, like, "Wd U mind if I came along?" Liz was all, "No! I'd really like that." Ick, remember what happed the last time these 2 were in a car 2gether? In the car, Anthony was, like, "Man, it's gd 2 C U! I'm so glad U've moved back here! When Gordo sed U were coming in 2day, I cdn't w8!" And Liz, hovercarring over the road, xxclaimed, "WAIT!" And Anthony was, like, "Is something wrong w/the car?" Liz: "No.... My nerves R rattling."
K, so keep in mind that this-all that I'm telling U has happed already. It's over an' done. But I don't know yet what went down after this bit I just told U. As usual, I'm finding out in dribz an' drabz, so bear w/me! I'll tell U the next bit when I know!
Apes
K, so keep in mind that this-all that I'm telling U has happed already. It's over an' done. But I don't know yet what went down after this bit I just told U. As usual, I'm finding out in dribz an' drabz, so bear w/me! I'll tell U the next bit when I know!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:55 AM
10 Comments:
At 8:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't know if I can talk about what happened in the car. It was too emotional for me. I feel violated, in a way. Or violated, and then given some news that I just don't want to deal with, having just been violated.
Let me just say this. Your sister is very insensitive to my needs.
I'll write more when I can.
Maybe it was what I was wearing. As I told you, I had to throw my khakis in the wash because of that unfortunate stain next to the zipper. Anyway, while they were there I left them unattended, and someone pulled them out of the dryer and wrote all sorts of nasty things on them. Since there were a lot of greasy fingerprints too I'm suspecting Dooley, one of the mechanics.
The man has this unreasonable hatred of me. He and his wife just had a baby and he asked for a raise and I had to say "no" because Gordon's just bought a bigger boat and is having that indoor pool put in. When he saw thousands of dollars of flowers everywhere and the Hernandez Bros. setting up the fireworks he got really pissed off and called me the c-sucker word, which is one of the things written on the pants, only without the dash.
So Donna, the AccounTemp who does most of the books (I keep my eye on the big picture via my office internet connection) offered to give me a set of black harem pants she keeps for taking a brisk walk during lunch or yoga. I said they looked kinda feminine but she assured me that pants like these were worn by Turkish soldiers. Then she asked me if I wanted my butt to look cuter in them, and knowing that I was meeting Liz I said "absolutely," and she told me to wear these sling pumps she bought with really high heels. She said it would make me very "Metrosexual" and Liz would be dying to meet an updated urban metsex man after all that time with the unshaven rustics in the Northwoods.
Oh, I didn't know wearing a bra improved your posture! It cured my usual slouch in a twinkle!
I stopped after she put the blush on and started to do lipstick (because I do have thin lips and she was saying they disappeared right into my face) because I was starting to look like I was on my way to Rocky Horror.
Anyway, it was tough to catch up to Liz in those heels but your Mom "accidentally" lost her phone and they searched for it. Then Gordon lost his phone and they searched for that. Then your mom got hungry for cinnamon buns and Gordon offered to buy her a dozen since "they were selling for shit anyway" (he's wrong, we sell dozens every week! Sometimes!) so I was able to get her alone in the parking lot. She looked at me kind of weird; she even said my name when I walked up to her as if to make sure it was me.
I don't think she was expecting an "us" conversation because when we pulled out of the parking lot she said "you've got kind of a new look" and I was expecting a compliment about how hot and meterosexual I looked, but then there was dead silence so I decided to tell her how glad I was that she was back. She stomped the gas so hard that the car burned rubber and I think it actually flew off the ground -- which is unusual for one of Gord's used Subaru station wagons, to say the least. I was kind of shocked that Liz was test driving that model, usually they only sell to gals in construction boots who need the space to haul around their show Huskies...but I digress.
So she's totally flooring the car like she wanted to get away from me, which didn't make a lot of sense since I was in the car, after all. Then she said "wait" and it kind of went downhill from there.
Maybe I should have let Donna finish the "Egyptian Eyes" after all.
Anthony
At 10:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I hate it when people say a lot of things to me really fast, before I can understand what they are saying. When mom says, "Shannon. Be sure to wear your coat, put on your shoes with the socks on first, and the dress goes over the underwear and not under the underwear, that's why it's called underwear and not overwear." Well, it's too much stuff too fast. I need people to say only one thing at a time, so I can understand it. It makes my nerves rattle too. So, when your sister said, "WAIT!", I know exactly what she is going through. That Anthony guy is saying too many things at once. He needs to slow down.
Your sister is smart to tell him right at the beginning. Sometimes I forget to ask people to slow down until they have done a lot of talking. Then when I ask them to "WAIT!" they can't remember everything they said. My mom says I should tell people to slow down as soon as I start to get confused. Your sister is smart. Her friend Anthony needs to slow down.
I like your stories in dribs and drabs. It is easy for me to understand.
Thanks,
Shannon Lake
At 2:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
As I promised your sister, I did not read your writings about her friend Anthony, but I decided to write you without reading what you wrote. There is no need to do read what you wrote. My sweet girl told me everything that happened. Last night, after a great Ojibway dinner made by my friend Susan Dokis (Chipper is a great cook), I decided to stay overnight at my Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) relatives’ house (where Chipper is also staying until she moves in the teacherage in September) and I called your sister from there for our usual evening 2-hour phone conversation.
Your sister told me her friend Anthony was a perfect gentleman and offered to help her test-drive cars, since your ngashi (mother) was distracted by uneaten pastries at the coffee shop. I don’t know if I ever apologized to you for not believing your writings about your ngashi (mother) and pastries, but after I had dinner at your house, I think I will believe anything you write about her and pastries. Your sister told me she test-drove a Crevasse station wagon. She said she felt very comfortable in the car, since your ngashi (mother) and your noos (dad) both have one. I was a little skeptical and said, “But, Elizabeth. Since you will be using the car to drive to visit me, wouldn’t you want a car with better gas use than a station wagon?” She said the Crevasse convertible got 30 klicks to the litre. That is an incredible rate. I told your sister I didn’t know much about Crevasses, but I would buy any car with that kind of gas rate. Your sister also said she needed a car with a little extra space in the back, since she could see a child (a girl actually) sitting back there in the very, near future. This was very good news to me, because I really want children. I could tell my sweet girl is starting to think seriously about our future together.
I think I would have had a better time with the conversation, except I had this shooting pain in my back, like someone had put a knife in it and was twisting it. After I finished talking to your sister, Chipper heard me whimpering a little and I told her my back really hurt. She said she knew a special Ojibway full body massage that would take all the tension out of my back. It was a pretty good massage, and I was feeling better except I noticed while I was talking to Chipper, whenever I said my sweet girl’s name, Chipper would pinch my back really hard and say, “We need to get that tension out right here!” Eventually, I fell asleep, but I did not sleep well. I had this dream about your ngashi (mother) or someone who looked like your ngashi (mother) in a black leather jacket and water-skiing. She was circling a cage floating in the water, and people on the shore were yelling at her things like, “It’s not too late. Turn back. It doesn’t have to end this way.” I don’t know what it means, but I am sure I tossed and turned and made noises. When I woke up Chipper was on top of me, and when I asked why she was there and not in her own bed, she said I was tossing and turning so much I needed to be restrained from rolling off the bed. Chipper is such a good friend. I would have fallen out of bed last night, if she hadn’t held me back.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
anth, u got the hernandez bros. 2 put on their big "love and rockets" fireworks display? wow, that takes big bux! between that, the flowerz, and gordo buying boats and uncharted islands, no wonder u don't have $ 2 pay employeez, like, a living wage!
liz didn't say nething specific abt what u were wearing, but she sed "anthony has a new look. it's, erm, interesting."
paul, what a strange dream. 4 sum reason in makes me think of an eppy of happy dayz i saw on cable once.
shannon, well, i'm glad sum1 likes the "dribz an' drabs" method of storytelling i hafta use!
apes
At 7:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
Notes from the tour. We had a little setback today. On the way out of Yellowknife, the engine of the tour bus started making rattling noises. Thorvald (Becky’s dad) yelled back at me, “Is that your nerves, Hoskuld?” I said, “No. And my name is not Hoskuld.” Within a few moments the engine started smoking and after a careful examination Thorvald declared it to be a worthless hunk of metal not worthy of making a decent spear or axe.” As chance would have it, the bus died within visual sight of a business in the Northwest Territories called Busbyr’s Buses—Traveling Buses for the Busy Norseman. Thorvald said clearly Freya was looking out for us to have us break down near this place.
We went to the bus dealer and I could see now there was a sign out front with a team of goats pulling a cart that looked like a touring bus. We were greeted by a balding, but very Norse-looking man, named Busbyr. He swore he had buses that were as good as riding on Freyfaxi, from Hrafnkels saga, except no one has to die for riding the bus. Thorvald and Busbyr had good laugh about that, and slapped each other on the bottoms. I could tell they liked each other. I had to explain to the rest of the tour group that the joke was on how Einarr, Hrafnkel ‘s shepherd was killed after riding Freyfaxi, his horse he dedicated to his patron deity Freyr. The rest of the tour crew still didn’t think it was funny.
Busbyr and Thorvald were getting along very well, and they announced they were going to take a bus for a test-drive, and the rest of us could eat the cinnamon buns and drink coffee in the waiting area of the dealership. Hours passed. Becky started getting nervous something had happened to them, but Marjee Mahaha said, “You know Fafa Thorvald. It’s not a proper test-drive until he has had sex in every compartment of the bus.” Becky went “Ew. Did he do that in our last bus, too?” Marjee said, “I am pretty sure he did.” Jeremy Jones looked a little green at this, so we ordered lunch out. A few hours later, the bus came back with both Thorvald and Busbyr looking a little flush. Busbyr said, “Now, that was a test-drive!” Thorvald went up to Becky and said, “Becky-Thora, I have a surprise for you.” And he led her over to our newly-acquired tour bus. Becky got pretty excited until Thorvald opened the door of the bus and out stepped a very pretty young lady, in full Viking garb, including the pointed cap. Becky said, "Who's this?" Thorvald said, “This is Brynja, Busbyr’s cousin. While we were out test-driving, I told Busbyr you were in need of a proper Norse lesbian, so you could go through your lesbian phase, and Busbyr said his cousin, Brynja, is out of school during the summer and would love to travel along as a Viking lesbian consort for budding pop superstar.” Brynja said, “Hello, Becky-Thora. I am very skilled.”
Becky said, “WAIT! Fafa. I already told you I had April Patterson to kiss when we got off tour.” Thorvald said, “April Patterson is not a lesbian and not a Viking. She is not versed in the Icelandic sagas. Brynja is perfect, and she is willing to work on the touring crew, too, as long as she gets free Rebeccah merchandise.” Then Becky said, “But I am engaged to Howie.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld will not mind.” Then Becky said, “But I pinky swore with April, we wouldn’t do it until I am 16.” Thorvald said, “Do it with a girl or a boy?” Becky said, “Either.” Thorvald said, “Nonsense. By Odin’s one good eye, I can see your trickery. April Patterson would never do it with a girl. Stop your complaining. You sound like Baldur, after he was struck with the mistletoe. I have already moved Brynja’s stuff into your compartment in the new bus.” Becky continued to complain to Thorvald, but it was no use.
We unpacked the old bus and loaded the new bus. Thorvald and Busbyr had a long farewell, which is to say a long makeout session. Then we were on our way with one more passenger than we had before. Jeremy Jones said, “Brynja is very girly.” Marjee said, “I know.” I looked and I saw Brynja knitting a pointed Norse cap for Becky, while Becky was sulking. The sleeping arrangements tonight could be very interesting.
Howard K.
At 7:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Wow! It sounds like Anthony is going all out for Lizardbreath. Since she is a Patterson, I would expect nothing less than the best service and finest appearance. Black harem pants, sling pumps with really high heels, a bra, blush and lipstick! He has it really going on. I have always thought Anthony looked a little pasty, but he is definitely on the right track to impress Liz. That outfit sounds like something Josef Weeder sometimes wears. He likes that stylish dressing these days, since he got some money from his dad a few months ago. I have only seen Josef dress like that a few times, since Carleen doesn’t really like it. I think she is jealous, when Josef looks so hot.
I was not really familiar with the term, “metrosexual” Anthony used. My lovely Deanna says that metrosexual is basically when a man pays as much attention to his appearance as a woman does, but then she immediately said, “A woman who is not a Patterson woman.” After all, dad and I are the best dressed in our family. Deanna then said, “Like a woman, grandpa Jim would leer at.” I understood then. She means a slut.
All I can say is, if Lizardbreath likes that look in a man, then Anthony should definitely go for it. After, he can’t look much worse than his usual accountant nerd clothes he usually wears. I am pretty sure after a test-drive with Anthony, Liz will realize that that there is more to living in the Toronto area than just work and uncomfortable apartments. There is a little baby, just over a year old to go with that metrosexual guy. She could sure use that maternal Patterson touch. I see great things in Elizabeth’s future.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am so glad that Paul has the self-control to write to you without reading the other posts here. As you know I think the key to a good relationship is not to tell the other person how you are feeling too soon, and by "too soon" I mean "before the very last possible moment, if ever." It helps keep the mystery alive.
Anyway, I know you have been nagging me for details about my trip to the auto dealership, so I will share some. There is apparently some confusion about what car I test drove. That is probably because I am not good with boy stuff like that. I don't know what kind of wagon I was driving. It might of been a Subaru, or it might of been a Crevasse. Anyway it was a very pretty neon orange, and it looks a lot like Mom and Dad's car. As you know, they are my major role models so I knew a big station wagon would be a good choice for me too.
Well then Anthony came out. He looked kind of different so I didn't realize it was him at first because he was wearing these weird girly pants and high heeled pumps. I said "Anthony?" and then I saw that he was also wearing some makeup. I thought that was a little different, but for some reason, it didn't bother me at all. Anthony asked if he could join me on my test drive and of course I said I would really like that. After all, Anthony was my first love, and we will always be very good friends, and Dad likes him, and Mom always says Anthony reminds her of Dad. So how could that be wrong?
So we went for a test drive and suddenly I had a weird feeling as Anthony started talking about how great it was to see me. At first I thought it was because he called me "man" and I wondered for a second if we were supposed to be playing some gender-bender game because of the harem pants and stilettos and rouge he was wearing. I was a little upset with him because if I'd known it was opposite day, I would of borrowed some of Dad's clothes, and not worn my favorite salmon pink top and mulberry palazzo pants from Kathy Lee Gifford's Sensible Schoolmarm collection. Also for some reason that morning I borrowed Mom's pearl earrings and got her to do me a really fancy french twist bun and I would not of gone to all that trouble if I'd known I could of just worn Dad's overalls.
Well then I realized Anthony was still talking and he was saying how good it was to see me and how nice it was that I am moving home and how Gordon told him I was going to be at the store that day and I started to have the strangest sense of deja vu. I thought to myself "What happened the last time I was in a Mom Mobile with Anthony and he was talking about how wonderful it was to see you?"
Then I remembered. It was that day when Anthony rescued me from Howard. He was so dashing and strong, he was just like my white knight. He is so romantic. Well then I tried really hard to remember what Anthony had said to me back then because I remembered it was kind of important, and then when Anthony said the word "wait" I remembered that he had asked me to wait for him romantically speaking.
Now back then I managed to get out of talking to Anthony at all about this. I was so good I used the whole "just had a 'going-after' trauma and besides you're married" excuse and I didn't hardly say even a word to him then. But now I could just tell he was going to try to talk to me about his feelings again and I didn't know how to make him stop and what's worse is that I had like a whole year to think about it and he's divorced now so I didn't know how to keep from having to answer him if he started to talk about us getting back together. But one thing I knew for sure--I had to do my best to stop Anthony from talking about his feelings. So I shouted "WAIT!" at the top of my lungs so loud that the car jumped up off the road. Of course Anthony thought there was something wrong with the car and I am so stupid I should of totally gone with that but I made a huge mistake and told him that my nerves were rattling which is pretty close to saying "I'm nervous" which is revealing a feeling which is something a lady never does before her wedding night, or at least until she's engaged.
I would tell you more now but I have to go. It is so hard to be a teacher at my new school. First they expect me to dress very teacher-ish. I really liked in Mtigwaki I could wear any old thing so long as it was earth-toned but here they expect me to have nice clothes so I have been spending a lot of money on the Sensible Schoolmarm collection. Mom turned me on to it. Anyway I have to actually iron this stuff! So far I have a royal blue dress and that other outfit I mentioned and some others too and of course it's not permanent press because Mom says a virtuous woman irons her own clothes and wrinkle-free materials promote sluttish housewifery.
And second of course you know that I have 26 whole students here and you've heard me say before that they all show up to class almost every day. That is rough because they all are something called "remedial" students and I'm not sure what that means exactly but it has something to do with learning stuff the kids should of learned during the school year but didn't because they were absent or bad students or something. It's just so unfair because in Mtigwaki they just hold the class back until everyone finally shows up long enough to learn a topic. These poor kids will probably have a stigma or something and that will be almost as terrible for them as having to actually teach 26 kids at once is for me.
Then you know I have to talk to Paul 2 hours per night and that sometimes takes longer than two hours because he is staying at his relatives' house a lot to keep Susan company and when she is there, she talks to Paul in the background, and then I have to subtract that time from our total two hours, so sometimes our calls take almost two and a half hours.
I sometimes think I do not have enough energy to have a career AND a social life! And I have no idea how Anthony can do it with a little baby he has to raise all by his very own self without any female help except his mom takes her three days a week! I am so jealous of Gordon and Tracey. They have a perfect division of labor now. She used to have to work in the early days but now she takes care of the kids full-time while Gordon works. That must be really nice. I get so tired sometimes.
Okay well time to go I am going to call Paul early tonight so if "Chipper" interrupts our talk I will not end up staying up super late.
Liz
At 9:09 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, mom'z like totally bummed that the kathy lee schoolmarm collection doesn't have a juniors division. she's even writing a letter 2 the company 2 complain! "2day's teens need the opportunity 2 dress like proper yung ladiez!"
mike, i didn't know weed was in2 cross dressing!
howard, wow, becky's dad gets totally hung up on thingz, eh?
apes
At 9:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Josef Weeder is not into cross dressing. He's Jewish. Where do you get these ideas? Sometimes I think Mom and Dad are right about you.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
cross-dressing doesn't, like, mean dressing w/crosses on u, u goof. it meanz dressing like the opp gender. men dressing in women's clothez, or women in menswear. and if u think a jewish guy can't cross-dress, u hafta check out this pic of harvey fierstein.
apes
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