April's Real Blog

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Gah, no, Gordo!

So, guess what? Mom has taken Liz shopping 4 a used car. Guess where? Aw, nuts, U guessed, didn't U? Gordon's Garage, Grill, and Megalopolis. And as U know fr. Anthony's post yesterday, he'z been totally w8ing 4 Liz 2 show up. But since Pattersons can only tell and get these storiez in bits and pieces, this is gonna take a while. And we haven't gotten 2 inevitable Anthony yet.

NEhoodles, this is the part Liz has told me abt. She an' Mom were @ Gordo's dealership, and Gordo was all, "A gd used car, hum?" HUM? "...I think I can do sumthing 4 U. What R U looking 4?" Liz was all, "Gordon, I am so nervous. I have never spent this much money B4 in my life! I really don't know where 2 begin!" But she hadn't even gotten 2 "how much" yet, eh? NEway, Gordo was, like, "Well...What's yr price point?" And Liz went, "Price point?" Cuz apparently, she'd never heard that xxpression B4, which is kinda weird. Hasn't she ever watched The Apprentice? Thoze candidates R alwayz, "Blahblahblah "price point", blahblahblah." Well, channelling Pattersonz an' our awful "wordplay", Gordo put his arm on her back an' sed, "Give me a price --and I'll point out a vehicle." Which, oh, no, Gordo, Y'd U have 2 go there? First of all, it's lame, and second of all, Liz is gonna think that's what "price point" meanz. She'll even teach that 2 the poor, defenceless kiddiez in her classroom. V. v. irresponsible, Gord.

Well, that's all I know abt the car shopping. I'll tell U more when I hear more.



  • At 7:59 AM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…


    Gord is talking cars right now with your Mom and Liz. I'm in my office waiting for my pants to come out of the wash at the Mayes Midtown Laundromat.

    It feels so good to be able to post on the internet, now that I can afford my NetZero dial up again, I'm just going crazy. Of course NetZero actually isn't "zero" when the monthly bill comes, oddly, but then I've been disillusioned with marketing ever since I found out only 97% of the caffeine is removed from decaf. I'll let you know another little secret: when Gordo offers $800 cash back it means the manufacturer let him up the sticker price by $2400. And don't get me started on dock fees. Anyway, you guys didn't get that from me.

    I can't belive Gordon manhandled Elizabeth like she was some stripper at the Roadside (okay, not exactly manhandled, because he usually has his hand to the front, but still)! Of course I understand the impulse -- Liz is so hot when she winds her bun extra tight that she sets off sprinkler systems. And speaking of accidental emissions, I saw all the action while watching out of a crack in my office door, trying to get a rather unfortunate stain out of my khakis. You see your mom telephoned to let me know that she and Liz would probably "drop by" I got really excited in a special way that only a man can get...When they finally arrived and got out of the car Liz stretched after the long car ride and-- Anyway, aggravating, embarrassing, and sorta funny if you go for that 40 Year Old Virgin type humor.

    A lot of things are grinding my goat lately, as a matter of fact, but are funny if you look at them right. I'm thinking of turning them into a standup routine. I tried it out on my mom right after she took her glaucoma medication and she giggled her head off. It's observational humor. That's still popular with you kids, right? How about if I become the "don't you hate it eh?" guy.

    Don't you hate it eh? - when movie theaters offer you a senior discount even though you're in your early twenties?

    Don't you hate it eh? - when people in the park compliment you for having such a lovely granddaughter and she's acutally yours?

    Don't you hate it eh? - when you wonder if your daughter is actually yours? (this joke really only works for men, I know. I'm trying to come up with a babydaddy equivalent).

    Don't you hate it eh? - when guys stick their fingers across their lips in imitation of your bitchin' stache and make bass guitar wakka-wakka sounds as you walk by?

    Don't you hate it eh? - when your c-word Francophone wife pays the alimony late and tries to get your marriage annulled because she doubts the sincerity of your vows and claims to have proof in the form of thousands of photographs and mementos you kept of an ex-girlfriend and all her friends swear out affadavits about your EVERY FREAKING MOVE at holiday parties?

    Don't you hate it eh? - when stupid Tim Hortons does a TV advertising campaign for their stupid cinammon rolls right after you install a eleven thousand dollar freezer/cooker/display for yours?

    Don't you hate it eh? - when teenagers drive off without paying for their gas because they see you bandaging your burns from the heat-lamp in the cinnamon roll case? Talk about getting burned twice.

    Pretty funny, huh? It works best if you kind of get a tragic clown expression and bang your head against a steering wheel. Do you think I should carry one on stage? I'm thinking of parlaying this into a sitcom: "Foobin' around with Mr. C" That's sounds like a really cool title, right? Mike, if you're not too busy, maybe we could get together and write an episode or two on spec. It's about a newly divorced single dad who owns the most successful car dealership in Ontario and starts dating a hot young teacher who moonlights as a dominatrix who owns a dildo collection shaped like famous world leaders. That'll get the "Sex In the City", "Desperate Houswives" and "West Wing" audience all at the same time. His bitchy ex-wife is an ugly lesbian psychopath whore. They've got these wacky neighbors: the guy is into trains and you never see his face because he has an engineer hat pulled way down, and the neighbor's wife writes an advice column for the lovelorn when she isn't ghostwriting historical romantic comedies.

    Could be a big, big hit! Just the right thing to get me out of debt.


  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writing about my sweet girl’s visit with your ngashi (mother) to the car dealership. When I spoke to your sister during our usual 2-hour long evening conversation, she said many nice words about her friend Gordon, even though he uses terms she does not understand. In answer to your question “Hasn't she ever watched The Apprentice?”, the answer is “No.” Your sister spent the last 2 years in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), and I don’t ever remember her watching or talking about watching television, aside from some educational videos. I must admit I was confused about price point also. So, I talked to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper and she explained it to me.

    Chipper said, “In my university microeconomics course, we learned price points are prices for which demand is relatively high. For example, there is a price point when something costs more than something just like it. Or there is a price point when people are used to paying a certain amount for a type of product and you charge more than that amount. Or there is a price point for odd-number pricing, like raising a price above 99 cents to a $1.00. Chipper is very smart. It is one of the reasons she is going to be great teacher. The children in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) are so lucky to have her as their teacher next autumn.

    Even though I learned all these things from Chipper, my sweet girl still had to settle me down. I told her I felt very nervous about her buying a car and I did not know why. The more she talked about her friend Gordon and the things he has done in his life, and his happy family life, the better I felt. I told my sweet girl miigwetch (thank you) for calming me down. Then your sister said, “While I am car shopping, maybe I can go get some coffee and cinnamon buns at the convenience store Gordon owns. It’s right next door.” Then out of nowhere, I was nervous again. I didn’t tell your sister, because she had already spent so much time trying to get me to relax. I can tell the effect. When I was on patrol last night, and my partner wanted to stop for coffee cake, but I said we had to go to a place that had coffee cake, but no cinnamon buns. I think I am developing cinnamon bun fears. It is so strange. I have always like cinnamon buns before.

    I told this to Chipper, and she said when I get off work, I should drive to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and she would give me a home-cooked Ojibway meal which would make me forget all about white woman food, especially their buns. Susan is a good friend. I am feeling better already.

    I also read the writings of your friend, Anthony many times to try to understand it, but I could not. If he brings his comedy act to Otter County, I don’t think anyone here would understand it either.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. As you can tell, Lizardbreath did not take my advice about mom and getting a loan. I love Gordo like a brother, but with mom paying the car loan bill, he might decide to gouge mom a little to pay her back for all those times she has publicly proclaimed that Gordon Mayes owes his success to her. Gordon does owe his success to mom and dad, but public proclamations, unless handled by a professional writer, can be embarrassing. I try to avoid public proclamations as much as possible and I am a professional writer. I think proclaiming your problems in a weekly column is much better.

    From what you wrote, it looks like Gordo is going straight for the money instead of asking Lizardbreath what she wants in a car. Mom always says it is best to start with the important things, like car colour, number of cupholders, seats large enough to hold a woman’s extra baggage. This could be viewed as an aggressive sales tactic, or it could be that Gordo knows that Liz has no idea what she wants in a car and is trying to help the sales process along. You know how flighty Liz is about making decisions. One moment she wants something, the next moment she doesn’t. She doesn’t take much after a Patterson, when it comes to decision-making.

    I don’t know why you expect Liz to know about a reference to a television show. She just came back from being in Native culture immersion for the last 2 years. Besides, don’t you know the people who watch commercial television are like my father-in-law, Wilf Sobinski? The stuff he makes me watch with him, when he visits. I know some writers who will watch television, just so they can put pop culture references in their work. But if there is one thing that will never be in a piece of Michael Patterson writing, it is a pop culture reference.

    Speaking of television, Anthony Caine called me up about writing an episode or two for a sitcom called "Foobin' around with Mr. C". I just love it when I get calls for freelance work, especially from friends. Anthony had some ideas for the sitcom, but he is not a professional writer like I am, so I think I can work some of the Mike Patterson magic on it. The lead character is a newly divorced single dad and he is going to have a daughter who talks like a full-grown adult. She is going to have the punniest lines with vicious cut-downs of the wacky neighbours. His bitchy ex-wife has Tourette syndrome, but her vocal tics are only in Québecois French. And his love interest is a hot young teacher who moonlights as a dominatrix, but during the day wears long dresses and clothes that cover most of her body, no matter how hot it gets outside. You see what the Mike Patterson touch can do to improve someone’s ideas?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Today, Becky is performing in the 27th annual Folk on the Rocks Music Festivalat the Long Lake site in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. Needless to say, Becky is bringing out her most folksy sounding music, which I will have to admit is not very folksy. Jeremy Jones is trying to alter her background accompaniment so it will include more violins, banjos, acoustic guitars and autoharps. It is delicate work, and he grows more and more frustrated that he still has to wear the rubber gloves to prevent that red hair dye from getting all over everything. Marjee has starting working with Jeremy’s hands. I think he has finally gotten over the idea that men can have soft and supple hands just like women. I am sure that Marjee will get Jeremy’s hands dried out before you know it. She is an expert with that kind of stuff. I know that there have been many times I have been with Marjee, that she has dried me up. It is beautiful up here and the weather is great.

    There was one fellow up here at the Folk on the Rocks Music Festival who saw me wearing a low-cut dress and asked what my price point was. I said, “Price Point?” He said, “Give me a price – and I’ll point out some place I want you to travel.” I explained to him that I was not a car salesman. However, when I spoke again and he heard my voice clearly, I think he realized I was not something else he was expecting. You cannot dress even the slightest bit provocatively here in Yellowknife. They take it the wrong way.

    Howard K.

  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    My brother Blair says, “Never tell them how much money you have, or that’s how much money the price will be.” It does not make sense to me. When I go to a store, they have the price on the stuff to buy. I don’t think I could go car shopping. I need to know what the price is when I buy something, or I get confused. How could you figure out if the price was right, or if the salesman was lying?

    If I were your sister, I would be nervous too. I never can tell when people are lying to me. My brother Blair tells me lots of things and I always think they are true. No matter how many times he tricks me, I always believe him. Yesterday, my brother was drinking coffee and having cookies. He said, “Do you want some coffee and cookies, Shannon? It tastes really good when it is black and there is nothing in it but coffee.”

    I didn’t feel very good when I woke up. Blair said “Sorry” a lot and mom and dad were really mad at him. Mom said my body doesn’t like stimulants very much. I don’t think I could shop for a car.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anth, u mite wanta keep in mind that liz has a bf. he'z a cop named paul. if u r all, like, trying 2 steal her away, he mite b tempted 2 check stuff out an' c if everything u're doing @ work is, like, totally legal, eh?

    i dunno abt the stand-up act. insteada laffing ppl mite, like, get annoyed @ a "tragic clown" thing an' wanna sock u.

    paul, susan soundz smart an' knowledgeable.

    mike, "price point" isn't a reference 2 a tv show, i just used a tv show as an xxample. ppl use "price point" in the real, 3-d world all the time.

    howard, what's it like out there?

    shannon, it's mean when older brothers act like that! liz can tell us lotsa storiez abt how mike usta terrorize her. lucky 4 me, he moved out when i was pretty little.


  • At 7:31 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister read your last writing about how I should check out stuff out on her friend Anthony’s work to see if it is totally legal. Then she called me. I was surprised to hear from her so early. She usually waits until she has gotten all ready for bed by 10 pm for our usual 2-hour call.

    My sweet girl told me her friend has had some really hard times lately. He and his wife are separated. She is having an affair with someone and moved in with him. He is raising his daughter by himself and working full time, with no help from his wife. She said her friend needs help, not police harassment. I told her I had no plans to investigate her friend, but she said a pre-emptive strike was necessary.

    I also got a little lecture about trusting her to do the right thing and how I should feel secure in our relationship and how I will be even more secure in our relationship once I get the job transfer to Toronto. Then she suggested that if you decide to write in your writings about Anthony, it would be a good idea for me not to read it, because you are biased against Anthony, and do not realize what a wonderful man he is, particularly now that he is facing all these difficulties by himself. My sweet girl sounded very upset, so I promised her I would not read whatever you wrote about her friend Anthony, whenever or if ever you decide to write about him.

    For some reason, my stomach is really upset. I can’t wait to get to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) tonight, to sample whatever it is Susan Dokis has prepared for me. There is nothing like good, Ojibway cooking to settle a man down.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You asked "What's it like out there?" A few clouds. About 18 degrees. Not nearly as humid as Milborough.

    Howard K.

  • At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Your big brother spends too much time writing to keep up with every little phrase people use in the real, 3-D world. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the 2-D world. The only extra D I can stand is my own Dee. Since you are a Patterson and keep up with all the newfangled slang terms, I am not surprised you know what “price point” means.

    Things are different where I am. I have had a brief lull in my freelance work lately. The summer tends to slow things down a little as key clients go on vacation. It has allowed me the time to work on my book, deal with the upcoming production of my play, and spend more time with my children. They are growing like little weeds, absorbing knowledge and food at alarming rates, so sometimes when I come home from working at Portrait magazine or come down from working in the attic, I barely recognize them from all the growth.

    The other day, I came down from the attic and saw a girl who looked like she was your age. I said to my lovely Dee, “How long was I up there?” The girl looked a little like my daughter, but I wasn’t sure. Fortunately Deanna said, “That’s Jamie. Remember, we hired her to take care of our son when he gets sick during the summer. She’s the sister of one of my staff members; she's saving money to take child psychology at university - and wanted a job where she could be around kids. She’s here tonight so we can sneak out for some couple time.” Then I said, “But I was hoping to watch The Writer’s Workshop on television.” And my lovely Dee said, “Mike. I told you I got rid of the cable service months ago.” It was one of those moments where I realized I had hadn’t had any time off from work in a while. It’s been nonstop Portrait Magazine or freelance or apartment repair since we moved in here last summer. The last year of apartment repair has been pretty amazing. I hardly remember making any repairs before we moved into our upstairs apartment last year. One of the disadvantages of moving into a new apartment is all new repairs. I wish those university professors, who lived her before us, hadn’t destroyed the place before they left. Melville Kelpfroth would have me believe the apartment repairs are because our beloved landlady Lovey Saltzman doesn’t spend any money on repairs, but you know what I think of Melville’s opinions. His mind is too polluted by his war memorabilia to think clearly.

    You should be glad you live with mom and dad and only work one job, so you have the time to learn new terms.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I love my brother Blair. He protects me from mean people all the time. He says he is trying to teach me not to be too gullible, which means believing everything anybody says. You're the nicest girl in all Milborough, so I know you love your brother too. Just like me.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, paul, that is a strange thing liz did, calling u abt anthony like that. hope susan's cooking helps settle yr stomach.

    mike, so u wanted 2 watch sumthing on tv! so u admit not all tv's a waste of time! ::shock::



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