Mom learning the Facts of LIfe
U take the good, U take the bad, U take 'em both, an' there U have
The facts of life. The facts of life.
When the boyz U used 2 h8 U d8,
I guess U best investig8
The facts of life. The facts of life.
When the world never seeeeeeeeems
2 B living up 2 yr dreamz. . . . .
Oh, w8, where'd that come from? NEway, when Mom came by 2 pick me up fr. that practice, Eva was all, "April, yr Mom's here!" An' I told "Ger", "Well, guess I gotta go." "Ger" was, like, "I won't C U again until school starts in September!" And I was all, "I'll write. Every day." And he was like, "Shd I kiss U goodbye?" Me: "Uh-huh!" Him: "But yr mom is watching!" Me: "That's OK." And as we went in2 the kiss, I was all, "She has 2 learn the facts of life, so I prefer that she learn them directly from me." Which was a weird thing 4 me 2 say, eh? How old am I, 46?
BTW, a lot of ppl saw these weird, coloured versions of sum pix that were taken @ our band's practice session, and they looked like we were in, like, the flames of Hades! Just so U know, the pix were taken in B/W, and sum1 filled in sum v. weird colours. The garage wasn't on fire or NEthing like that!
Apes
The facts of life. The facts of life.
When the boyz U used 2 h8 U d8,
I guess U best investig8
The facts of life. The facts of life.
When the world never seeeeeeeeems
2 B living up 2 yr dreamz. . . . .
Oh, w8, where'd that come from? NEway, when Mom came by 2 pick me up fr. that practice, Eva was all, "April, yr Mom's here!" An' I told "Ger", "Well, guess I gotta go." "Ger" was, like, "I won't C U again until school starts in September!" And I was all, "I'll write. Every day." And he was like, "Shd I kiss U goodbye?" Me: "Uh-huh!" Him: "But yr mom is watching!" Me: "That's OK." And as we went in2 the kiss, I was all, "She has 2 learn the facts of life, so I prefer that she learn them directly from me." Which was a weird thing 4 me 2 say, eh? How old am I, 46?
BTW, a lot of ppl saw these weird, coloured versions of sum pix that were taken @ our band's practice session, and they looked like we were in, like, the flames of Hades! Just so U know, the pix were taken in B/W, and sum1 filled in sum v. weird colours. The garage wasn't on fire or NEthing like that!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:03 AM
14 Comments:
At 7:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
Aw, girl, it goes like this:
Season 1
There's a place you've got to go for learning
all you want to know about the facts of life
the facts of life.
When books are what you're there about
and looks are what you care about
the time is right,
to learn the facts of life.
When the world never seems
to be living up to your dreams
it's time you started finding out
what everything is all about
When the boys you used to hate you date,
I guess you best investigate
the facts of life you gotta get'em right
the facts of life,
the facts of life,
the facts of life
Seasons 2-5
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
There's a time you got to go and show
You're growin' now you know about
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
When the world never seems
to be livin up to your dreams
And suddenly you're finding out
the Facts of Life are all about you, you.
It takes a lot to get 'em right
When you're learning the Facts of Life. (learning the Facts of Life)
Learning the Facts of Life (learning the Facts of Life)
Learning the Facts of Life.
End Credits
You'll avoid a lot of damages
an enjoy the fun of managing
the facts of life;
they shed a lot of light
If you hear them from your brother,
better clear them with your mother
better get them right,
call her late at night
You got the future in the palm of your hands
all you gotta do to get you through is understand
you think you rather do without,
you will never make without the truth
the facts of life is all about you
At 9:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
thank god apes i thot u guyz were trying 2 get in2 special fx an' omg, seriously, they sucked. u r not supposed 2 scare the audience away! i m glad it wuz just sum freak's practical joke. but u should also know those pics were pretty freaky neway, cuz it looked like all of u were screaming, not singing.
i got my surprise frum howie! he got me a cat frum the local animal rescue league. he is really sweet. he's 3 years old an' he's a orange tabby an' he likes 2 sit in my lap an' cuddle. this is perfect 4 a celibate girl cuz i hear they luv cats. i m trying 2 think up a name. these r the names peeps have suggested:
dad = skarp-hedin
howie = rupaul
marjee = vidal (after vidal sassoon)
jeremy = "nething but 'country jones'"
i don't like ne of these. do u have a idea?
becks
At 11:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think a good name for a cat would be April, even if it's a boy cat. I think for something that is really sweet, April is the best name. Maybe you could tell Becky that's the name you like.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 1:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
Knowing Becky’s unusual pet needs, I thought I would need an animal who could hold its own with 3 large dogs. So I went to the Winnipeg Pet Rescue Shelter and I asked the lady helping me for a cat who could handle living in a home with big tough dogs. She showed me this nice orange tabby named Rupaul, because he is a big male and yet still quite attractive and graceful, like the real Rupaul. Becky doesn’t like the name Rupaul and she asked your advice, but Rupaul is really the best choice. The lady at the Winnipeg Pet Rescue Shelter said part of the adoption process is to take the cat to a veterinarian.
Becky and I didn’t want to take the chance of running into your veterinarian aunt after what happened yesterday, so we asked the lady for a recommendation that was not in Winnipeg. She said there was a little town outside Winnipeg, called Carman, which had a veterinary clinic there. Since Becky had completed her performance at the Folklorama 2006, Winnipeg’s Folk Music Festival yesterday, it was a good time to go.
In Carman, we got completely lost. I know they say boys are the ones who won’t stop for directions, but whoever says that doesn’t know Becky. Finally we stopped and as we were checking a map, an older lady was walking by and said, “Can I help you find something?” Becky said no, and I said we were looking for the veterinary clinic. The older lady said, “I’m on my way there now. My granddaughter works there.” I thanked her and we followed her, literally just around the corner (the clinic needs much better signage) to the vet clinic.
When we walked in, Becky and I immediately recognized your cousin Laura. Becky and I looked at each other and I think we were both thinking the same thing, which was, “Turn around and walk out.” After all, we didn’t want Rupaul to be handled by your cousin, who didn’t seem too happy with us yesterday. But the older lady grabbed both of our arms with a vise-like grip and said, “Laura. I think these are the two people you planned to apologize to.” Your cousin Laura looked startled, but probably not as startled as Becky and I were. She said, “Grandma Carrie. Did you bring them here?” She said, “No. I just saw them in the street and I knew they had to be the people your cousin April called us about yesterday. How many men with clown red hair wearing a dress can there be in Manitoba?”
While Laura was examining Rupaul, Becky and I had a nice chat with your grandma Carrie. She said, “My granddaughter April called yesterday and told us two of her friends had not been treated too well, and that some of the stories her parents had passed on about her life were not entirely correct.” Becky said, “So you don’t think I’m roadside anymore?” Grandma Carrie said, “We had to weigh April’s opinion versus that of her mother, and I am afraid to say we had to favour April over her mother. We have a little history with Elly Patterson and her unique style of parenting.” I said, “What kind of history?” Grandma Carrie said, “Well, Elly believes grandparents should not spoil their grandchildren, and by “not spoiling’ she means not visiting or giving them gifts.” I said, “What? That can’t be right.” Becky said, “No, Howie. She’s right. When April was telling us what gifts she got for Christmas, her gift from her Grandpa Jim and Iris was part of a group gift from her brother’s family.” Your cousin Laura said, “It’s hard to do a group gift with a Milborough relative, when you don’t live in Milborough.” Becky said, “I’ve known April since I was little, and I can’t remember a single time she said her dad’s parents ever gave her a gift or came to visit her.” Your Grandma Carrie said, “Strictly forbidden. We could come to visit our son John for his surprise birthday party, but nothing for the grandchildren.” I said, “If that’s what she believes, then I guess it makes sense why Mira Sobinski upsets her so much. She’s like the anti-Elly, always giving gifts and visiting.”
Grandma Carrie said, “Well, we have found ways around it.” Laura laughed and said, “Yes, the rocks of education.” I said, “What? Rocks of education?” Becky said, “Howie. It’s those geodes April has in her room. I always like the amethyst one, but the citrine and agate ones are nice too.” Grandma Carrie said, “Good eye, youngster. My husband Will is a rock hound and he has been sending rocks for ‘educational’ purposes for awhile to all the grandkids. Those kinds of ‘gifts’ are allowed by Elly.” I said, “Those things are not cheap.” Laura said, “Grandpa Will has lots of them. He’s been collecting rocks since he used to work in the mines and a lot of them are really valuable. Plus, my mother invites my cousins up to visit every summer, so they can help out and ‘work’ the farm.” Your Grandma Carrie and Laura giggled a little about this, and Becky did too. Becky said, “Howie. If Jelly Fatterson thinks her kids are learning or being forced to work, she doesn’t mind them visiting their grandparents.” Grandma Carrie and Laura said, “Jelly Fatterson?” And then they started laughing again. I said, “So this whole business of having April come for the summer and sending rocks for gifts is to…” Your Grandma Carrie interrupted, “To get around Elly and her rules. I would like to say it isn’t necessary, but my son John is completely spineless these days and supports her every rule, all the way down to loading dishwashers and folding towels. Even when he comes to visit us, he keeps it a secret and barely tells anyone.”
Laura said, “We do the best we can to maintain the family ties. Of course the biggest insult was on aunt Elly’s website.” Grandma Carrie gave a little sob. Becky said, “Right, you’re in the Who’s Who section and not in the Family Tree section, the same as me.” Grandma Carrie said, “That’s right. So, I think you can understand why we would believe April and not Elly.” Laura said, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a proper welcome yesterday.” I said, “Apology accepted.”
It was a nice visit, and Rupaul has gotten his shots and he is ready to hit the road. Becky has been enjoying snuggling on him and he enjoys being snuggled.
Thanks for calling your Manitoba relatives for us. I think you will have a great time up here with them next week.
Howard K.
At 2:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your writings are confusing today. I don’t think I understood them. When you combine the facts of life, kissing and Hades; it sounds like a Christian sermon. The Ojibway concepts of afterlife are different from the Christian. There is no Ojibway word for “hades” and the word for “heaven”, giizhig is the same as the word for “day” or “sky”.
At the end of my work shift early this morning, I drove to White River where my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) live. I am so excited for them to finally meet your sister, who will drive here as soon as she finishes her second class this afternoon. All my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) know about my sweet girl is what they saw of her when they were waving at her in the helicopter last December and of course, what my nimishoome (uncle) and my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) have told them. They are looking forward to their formal introduction to Waabshki-nika (White Goose) or as they write it Waabishki-nika. My noos (mother) hates it when people drop the extra syllables in written Ojibway.
My friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, is here, but she plans to leave before your sister arrives. She has given my ningitiziim (parents) some advice about my sweet girl from the point of view of the “teacher replacing her.” My ningitiziim (parents) have been listening to her very carefully. They know Chipper from the days on the powwow trail, and I know how Chipper wants your sister’s visit to go perfectly. Chipper is such a good friend.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom’s reaction to your little “teaching the facts of life” makeout session with Gerald was not good. She said, “At least you and Liz had the decency to kiss your boyfriends privately, inside cars with fogged up windows or on the front porch with the doors closes, or at summer camp. Your sister April knew I was coming to pick her up from her band practice and chose that exact moment to start kissing her boyfriend. I was shocked.” I said, “Mom, I kissed girlfriends and not boyfriends.” Mom said, “Focus, Michael. I was shocked. Then when I ‘hmphed’, April said, ‘She has to learn the facts of life, so I prefer that she learn them directly from me.’” Then mom went on and on about it. I promised mom I would talk to you. Little sis. Don’t kiss your boyfriend in front of your mother. Find a nice place where she can’t see you. That’s what I did when I was your age.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, we’re headed back 2 ontario 4 the rocky falls heritage festival 20th anniversary which they have on the civic holiday weekend august 4th to 7th. it’s kinda small compared 2 the othah places rebeccah haz played, but her dad thorvald sed there were sum mportant peeps he knew nvolved w/ the heritage fest. he sed the mportant peeps n rocky fallz wanna make sure their heritage fest iz just az good az the 1 n north bay which occurs @the same tyme, so they wunted a class act like rebeccah.
rebeccah & i not doin’ the best rite now. i donno how many tymez i can hear “cats r bettah than men”, while rebeccah iz kissin’ on the cat. she sez, “u gottah learn the facts of life, jeremy. & the fact iz cats r bettah.” the gud newz iz that no mattah how many tymez rebeccah tellz her cat it’s all right 2 scratch me, he duzn’t. her kitty iz a rilly sweet kitty & i kinda like the way he purrz. i know ur not rilly a cat person, but i think u’ll like rupaul. rebeccah sez he iz not rupaul, but thass wut howeird callz him & so do mosta the gay peeps on the tour bus. all xxcept 4 thorvald, who sez the cat shud b named skarp-hedin after njal’s son from njal’s saga. he sez the cat looks like skarp-hedin, az he & hogni gunnarsson set out @nite 2 avenge gunnar. he just looks like a pretty kitty 2 me
At 6:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, becks an' howard, i'm glad my chat w/my winni relliez made a diff. it's not cube that my mom told the liez she told them!
becks, mayB u shd just w8 a bit & figure out what name suitz yr kitty based on what he'z like. also, he mite already b attached 2 rupaul since he'z prolly had that name a while.
mike, since mom seemed 2 like having a front-row seat 4 liz's goodbye kiss 2 paul when he was here, i guess i thot she wdn't mind me kissing "ger", eh?
apes
At 7:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I asked mom about that “front-row seat for Liz's goodbye kiss to Paul” you mentioned, and mom said, “That’s completely different. That was important information-gathering necessary for the future welfare of Elizabeth. I had gauged Paul’s affection for Elizabeth by his willingness to meet with our family and endure April’s rude questioning, an area where her boyfriend Warren failed. But I needed to see how much affection Elizabeth had for Paul.” Of course I asked her if she could tell how much affection was there by one kiss, and mom said, “Let’s just say that I don’t see the Pattersons having a special Ojibway wedding ceremony for Elizabeth anytime in our future.”
As for you and your boyfriend, remember this rule: Kissing, mom didn’t see, is kissing, mom is not going to talk about with Anne, Connie, Beatrice, Moira, or any of the people in her photography class.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
well i dcided on a name 4 my cat. his name is loverboy. i can tell he likes it cuz when i call him loverboy an' scratch him bhind the ears, he purrs like krazee.
i luv my new cat. i snuggle him an' pet him an' kiss him. he is sooooo much better then a man or a woman. i don't have 2 elbow or kick loverboy 2 make him say or do what he's supposed 2. an' he will nevah steal my makeup cuz even tho he came w/ the name "rupaul" he is not a gay drag kitty. he is a manly man.
he's my loverboy.
becks
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
soundz like a cute kitty, becks! i'm glad u found a name that suits him.
mike, i guess u r rite abt mom an' the gossip abt kisses. otoh, if u kiss away fr. mom, but she spiez on u w/out yr knowing, she will still gossip. chances r, mom will gossip no matter what.
apes
At 8:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
april,
everytyme becky sez her cat's new name, this tune starts goin' thru my head:
Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a little romance
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby lets go
i h8 80s flashbacks. i wuzn't evn alive then.
At 8:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, by ne chance, when u had that tune in yr head, was there sum guy in bad red leather pants an' a headband?
apes
At 11:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, sum of the guyz on the tour bus dress that way sumtymez. it rilly irrit8es howeird, cuz he likes 2 maintain a dress code of not havin' nething he thinks iz 2 tasteless. rebeccah tellz him 80s retro iz in, but howeird just sez, "not everythin' n the 80s shud return."
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