Whatevs on Gramps
Mom an' Dad brought Gramps an old-fogey scooter as a surprise. He was all grumbly abt it an' saying he didn't want it, and he complained abt it when he test drove it, but then when Mom told him it was a rental, he was all, "U mean... I don't get 2 keep her?" It figs. U know, I think it's a bad idea 2 get Gramps in2 a scooter habit. He oughta walk. Even if he needs the walker. Getting him 2 use a scooter, that's like speeding up death.
Speaking of which, Anthony, I heard yr mother hadta have her stomach pumped. Hope she'z OK 2day!
Mike, I didn't say Françoise did suffocate in a dry-cleaning bag or drown or get scalded. Anthony's just friggin' lucky she didn't cuz U don't let a baby play in a plastic bag or unattended in a bath. Those R the thingz that happen 2 babies left unsupervised in theze situations. Mike, even U know that? U know what, I'm going 2 get Dee 2 read thoze comments and this entry and xxplain it 2 U, plus make sure she goez over basic safety so U don't let yr own kidz die in sum totally preventable accident.
And now Mom sez I hafta go 2 Anthony's house an' help him watch Françoise. BTW, she oughta have teeth by now, she'z over a yr old!!! While I'm there, I'm calling his pediatrician!
ETA: Oh, and Liz, I don't agree that men can't babyproof a house, but since I don't wanna C an innocent baby die, I picked up a babyproofing kit on my way 2 Anthony's. He's sitting @ the kitchen table staring @ a glamour pic of U, BTW.
L8r,
Apes
Speaking of which, Anthony, I heard yr mother hadta have her stomach pumped. Hope she'z OK 2day!
Mike, I didn't say Françoise did suffocate in a dry-cleaning bag or drown or get scalded. Anthony's just friggin' lucky she didn't cuz U don't let a baby play in a plastic bag or unattended in a bath. Those R the thingz that happen 2 babies left unsupervised in theze situations. Mike, even U know that? U know what, I'm going 2 get Dee 2 read thoze comments and this entry and xxplain it 2 U, plus make sure she goez over basic safety so U don't let yr own kidz die in sum totally preventable accident.
And now Mom sez I hafta go 2 Anthony's house an' help him watch Françoise. BTW, she oughta have teeth by now, she'z over a yr old!!! While I'm there, I'm calling his pediatrician!
ETA: Oh, and Liz, I don't agree that men can't babyproof a house, but since I don't wanna C an innocent baby die, I picked up a babyproofing kit on my way 2 Anthony's. He's sitting @ the kitchen table staring @ a glamour pic of U, BTW.
L8r,
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:55 AM
24 Comments:
At 7:53 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, anthony just asked me if it's ok if he calls me "mommy" and can i iron his shorts! i'm here 2 keep françoise alive, not 2 baby anthony!!!
apes
At 9:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
Mike & Liz,
I always figured April was nice what with her blog so I could get my side of the story out on the intrawebs. I'm not sure what I have to do to communicate with April better, maybe write "c" instead of "see."
And what the heck is a "merkin" anyway? I told her we needed some brunch, ideally waffles and some bacon and poached eggs on toast with a quick Sunday morning biketrip for some Timbits, but it's like she didn't even hear me. I repeated the order and that's when called me one. Is it slang for "American"? I was born right here in Canada.
Oh Liz, I looked in Francoise's mouth and she does have teeth. Geeze, when did that happen?
April is putting some latches on the kitchen cabinets right now. Mom's going to get pretty pissed when she goes to get ammonia and has to open a latch. I dunno about this. She also shoved the big mixer way over in the corner. Francoise uses the power cord when she pulls herself up so she can watch Mom cook.
Heh! She just got a look at the diaper pail! Oh yuck, cockroaches. Now she's gagging. Oh crap, I hope she cleans that up.
Gotta go, April looks mad. I hope my glasses don't get broken again.
Anthony
At 10:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
i guess anthony's useta having his glasses broken fr. many yrs of being beat up in school an' stuff. he's got like 20 pair! i hadta break one pair when he asked me 2 wear, like, a maid's uniform! and he was, like, "françoise loves 2 balance on my handlebarz when we bicycle out 2 tim horton'z!" omg! & u wd not believe this place! and that diaper pail was just, like, a biohazard. i swear, i shd charge $ 4 getting that all cleaned up, but i'll bet mom won't let me!
btw, a merkin is a pubic wig. doncha think that's what anthony 'stache loox like?!?!?!?!
apes
At 11:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Thanks so much for talking to Deanna about dry cleaning bags and leaving babies unattended in the bath. It was quite educational.
First Deanna took me to the bath and said, “See the bath tub? When you get the hot water fixed, we have to be careful to not let our children play with the handle and we would run the water ourselves.” I said, “But what about the water already in the bathtub?” Deanna said, “That’s for when you finally get the nerve to tell Lovey you can’t fix the pipes, and don’t take ‘Oy. A mensch like you can do it.’ for an answer. Until then, we don’t let the kids near the bathtub. That’s why you made the duct tape wall all around it.” I did remember. I had forgotten the reason. When I go by the bathtub, I usually think of it as something I did when I was mad at the Kelpfroths. One of these days, I will have to talk to Lovey again about it, but I remember the last time. I felt so bad I was letting her down with my poor plumbing abilities.
Deanna led me over to her closet and said, “Mike. See these dry cleaning bags on my clothes? Don’t let our children play with them.” Her closet was quite lovely. With all the plastic it was sort of like a mountainous wall of shiny, bright colours. I said, “What about my closet? Should I keep the kids out of the dry cleaning bags on my clothes?” Then Dee started laughing really hard and I never got a clear answer out of her. She is still laughing as I write this to you.
I mentioned to mom how you complained and apparently rightly, that Anthony was unaware his baby had teeth. Mom said, “I don’t know why April expects Anthony to notice those kinds of things. The way most husbands discover their babies have teeth is when their nursing wives start screaming and handing the children to them to begin bottle feeding. With the wife Anthony had, he never had that advantage.” I will have to admit, that was the way I found out my children had teeth. Then mom said, “Well, a lot of babies have teeth at about 6 months, but our little Aypo was different from most children. When she was about a year old she shot up from baby to toddler almost overnight. Then she stayed a toddler for a long time. In fact, all my children were that way.” Just to let you know, little sis. When the time comes for you to have children, babies don’t grow just like you expect them to.
As for your comment about how grandpa Jim shouldn’t have a scooter because it is like speeding up death. That’s a little morbid, little sis. Have you seen grandpa Jim’s feet lately? Do remember the whole reason why he wasn’t with us on the family picnic a few weeks ago? His feet look like they have been bent around a bar, with his heels and his toes curling around it. I haven’t seen them myself, but mom and dad said they look awful. It can’t be easy to walk on them. I think a scooter rental is a marvelous idea and mom says my children will love riding with their great grandpa, assuming their “basic safety” aunt doesn’t make a big deal about not doing it.
In case Anthony forgets to tell you, here's a big thank you from me for helping out Anthony. Lizardbreath will eventually have that job, but it would give the wrong message for her to be helping out Anthony at this stage of their courtship. Also, our Liz is such a slob, I don't know if the place would be much cleaner, if she were there.
By the way, I think you mean "public" wig. That little "l" makes all the difference.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:42 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, i think i am a lil bit afraid of anthony rite now. u c, after i finished the babyproofing and the (ew!) cleaning, my forehead was a bit sweaty. when i wiped off the sweat with a paper towel, by bangs got pushed aside. anthony took a look @ me an' got this weird, glazy look on his face. then in a really flat voice, he was all, "liz. sweet, fresh-faced liz, circa 1996." now we r on our way 2 the mall, cuz he insists i hafta get my hair lightened an' my bangs thinned. i think 4 once my cursed hair will come in handy. @ least i was able 2 talk him in2 putting françoise in the car seat, properly installed, insteada stowing her in the trunk.
oh, btw, mike, i didn't typo. see merkin.
apes
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, man, why did Anthony Caine go running out of Kewl Cuts screaming "The curse! It's true?!?!?!?!"
Eva
At 12:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, eva, well u remember our whole hair-curse thing, rite? well, anthony insisted that the hairdresser cut an' colour my hair so it loox like liz's did in theze pix fr. 1996. so the hairdresser did, and of course my hair grew back and went back 2 its normal colour.
gah, anthony'z back. he just noticed there'z a wig store in the mall, rite next 2 fashion optical. he sez it's wig-an'-glasses time 4 me! omg, he'z totally over the edge!
apes
At 12:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I'm a little weirded out at the moment, but I forgot to mention a couple things.
First, I didn't tell April to wear a French Maid's outfit or anything like that. I just told her that when you have a job you should dress appropriately for that job. While you can clean your own home in any old thing, when you're cleaning someone else's house you can't just be wandering around in shorts and a too-revealing top or the neighbors will call the police again. Being dressed for the part helps you do a better job. That's why I make Donna wear heels and skirts, and the mechanics need to keep their shoes shined.
April could have worn a nice blue uniform like Alice in the Brady Bunch. She could have worn a morning suit like Mr. French or Nanny Butler in "101 Dalmations." I did not specify! Frankly, I don't know what she'd put in the top of a nice frilly French Maid outfit anyway barring kleenex.
I'm sorry you misunderstood our phone call last night re: my mom and the paramedics, but Liz has taught me a great deal about communication. Basically, that the less you do of it the less you can get blamed for, which seems reasonable to me. As an example, if someone you are dating says they're relocating to be nearer to you, you can say "That would be wonderful." It's up to the person listening to you to decide if you mean "That would be wonderful, I love having you near me" or "That would be wonderful, if I weren't about to move away." It's part of the Power of Language, a few words can mean a great many things, but then being the Next Great Canadian Writer according to your Mom you know that.
Oh crap, Francoise wandered away again. She loves playing on the escalator.
Anthony
At 12:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
i snatched up f. b4 she had a chance 2 wander on2 that escalator. now i have her in a stroller i rented fr. the mall, since anthony can't b bothered 2 watch her while he makes me try on 1 wig after another after another. "no, that one isn't 'liz-like' enuf. try this 1!" gah, this cd take all day!
apes
At 12:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Guys,
I know it sounds strange, me having April look like Liz from ten years ago, but there's a reason.
About two years ago The Quebec Harpy found one of my stashes of Liz pics and burned them. I lost some very meaningful memories, and I just want to be able to take a few quick pictures to replace them.
Off to the prom dress shop! I'm so glad Gord's corporate card has a two hundred fifty thousand dollar limit.
Anthony
At 1:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, now prom dresses? this is soooo crayzeeeee!
apes
At 3:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Thank you for helping Anthony out. It is very nice of you to be giving "the female touch" to his household while his mother is spending lazy days in a hospital bed. But maybe you should ask Mom for some help. It sounds like you don't know what you are doing really and that is probably what is making you so uptight. Remember, Anthony is a great parent, he told me so.
I am so sad to hear that awful Therese burned all Anthony's old high school pictures, that is so wrong to destroy his memories. Anthony, I will make copies of all my pictures from those days and send them to you. I will even include the pics that some unknown prankster took with my camera during the "watermelon seed incident" at the beach a few years ago, because I think you will like them, even though you weren't there. After all, we are good friends, right?
Well I have to go now, I have all these papers to grade. I didn't used to do formal grading at Mtigwaki I just kept track in my head and gave kids the grade I thought they deserved at the end of the semester. They are so rigid here, they expect me to keep records and to grade based on that, so I have to actually mark the papers instead of just kind of glancing at them and giving them a star, smily face, or frowny face. You can't just give a kid an A he has to earn it and the grading is so black and white, if a kid doesn't get the right answer you have to mark it wrong. And an A is 90 percent or above, not like in Mtigwaki where it is kind of like "if you get more than half right you are a scholar." And you won't believe this, but if the kids don't get good enough grades on their homework they don't get good enough grades on their report cards and they hold ME responsible for that!!! I mean really I am just the teacher, right? Sheesh.
Anyway this school is so rigid I am starting to look for a permanent job in Milborough because that town is so perfect, I'm sure they are more reasonable in their standards there. I am a little worried about the supposed prejudice against people who are part Native there though because I consider myself part-Native now too and I would like to use my part-Native teaching methods there if I get hired. Gosh I hope I can get a job there, maybe Mom and Dad can loan some money to the school district so they will be totally undyingly grateful and hire me.
Liz
At 4:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, liz, i took yr advice and called mom, asking her 2 take over 4 me, or @ least helping me with anthony, but she sed she was far 2 busy making sure dad didn't do nething boneheaded around the house. but she sed tracey mayes will come over rite after dinner 2 take over, so i'll b able 2 go home then. thank gawd! do u know how many prom dresses anthony made me try on? and then there were the pictures. and now i hafta help him fotoshop the mustaches out, cuz he wants an authentic "anthony circa 1996" no-mustache look in the pics, but he wasn't willing 2 shave. and he almost left françoise in the stroller when he went 2 return it 2 the mall ppl!
apes
At 5:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, April, let's meet up tonite and go see a movie. Just you and me. I really want to see "Alien Mutant Slob-People, Part 4." We can sit in the back and make out. It's been awhile since we did that huh?
Love, Ger
P.S.--Wear your red dress. I like my girl to look a little "roadside."
At 5:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
k, i'll call u when tracey mayes shows up. she wasn't sure xxactly what time she'd arrive.
apes
At 5:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, i just got yr txt message where u wrote, "no, no, no, my little april-flower! we are NOT going to that idiotic movie! and i don't think you should wear that dress until august!"
confused,
apes
At 6:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
I read your letter and thank you so much for the explanations. I knew you wouldn’t have suggested April wear a French Maid’s outfit, considering your current views on all things French. I think Mr. French would have been a good look for April, except for his name, of course. I just loved Buffy and Jody in A Family Affair. I was so disappointed when Buffy went off and started slaying vampires later, but I suppose you have to take a job where you can find it.
I was also glad to hear that you and Liz have started practising your communication together. Deanna has learned I respond well to words like “Supper is ready” and “I’m in the mood.” I should warn you though, that my sainted mother disagrees strongly with Liz’s “don’t ask, don’t talk, don’t speak, pet the cat” policy, and I think she is counting on you to balance out Liz’s general uncommunicative nature. Liz and mom are very similar in many ways, but not in this area. I speak to mom pretty often. Mom says that men are the best talkers, except for Dad, of course.
I showed mom our start on your sitcom, “Foobin’ with Mr. C” and she has already made some outline suggestions. I think her idea about having Mr. C end up on a runaway old person scooter is hysterical. It would be difficult to do on a soundstage, but sitcoms occasionally do location shoots.
I am thrilled you are spending time with April, wigs and prom dresses and your daughter. You and Liz will probably be married before long, and it’s always good to get ready for a wedding by wearing formal clothing and taking pictures. By the way, if you get any good shots, mom wants some for her scrap booking.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
Notes from the tour:
We are in Saskatoon, the "City of Bridges" or “Toontown” depending on which nickname you want to use. Becky is performing as one of the pro artists in the 2006 Saskatoon Exhibit at Priaireland Park. This is a week long festival that includes a midway, pig races, a lumberjack show, chuckwagon races, a demolition derby, and contest to see which couple will get married on the Midway. As far as other performers go, Becky is alongside The Philosopher Kings, Trooper, Bedouin Soundclash, Vince Neil, and Theory of a Dead Man. I say alongside, and that just means she performs on the same stage, the Sasktel Grandstand, but a different night than the other acts.
Jeremy Jones says the logistics of getting our stuff in, set up, taken down, and getting it out is going to be tougher than we have had to do before. He wants to get an early start. I think he is pushing himself a little too hard. He had a little accident this morning when we were parked near the Saskatoon Riverside Terrace Retirement Home, near the scooter rental area. One of the old geezers rented a scooter and he didn’t know how to control the steering or speed and ran right into Jeremy. Fortunately he wasn’t going very fast. He was going about the jogging speed of your mother, like 1 km / hour or something like that. Jeremy seemed to be all right when he got up, but I think he has been having flashbacks from the time when he was hit by the car. I was glad he got up too, because Thorvald (Becky’s dad) started talking about Viking funeral rites when he saw Jeremy go down.
In the meantime, Marjee Mahaha has been visiting the lumberjacks for the lumberjack show. She says they are very muscular and look good in plaid. I think I may need to make a visit there also and see if there are any lumberjacks who also “press wild flowers” or “have buttered scones for tea.”
Becky and her lesbian Viking consort, Brynja went to the pig races. I have no idea why.
Howard K.
At 8:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard, come on over. A lumberjack named Fjord wants to meet you. I'm pretty sure he's wearing suspenders and a bra!
Marjee Mahaha
At 8:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, Apeface, just ignore my text messages. I only text when I'm feeling wacko. Just put on the dress and meet me for the late show. You and I haven't had any good lovin' in weeks, and I'm feeling homesick for third base, if you know what I mean.
We're going dutch, though.
Ger
At 8:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think you're too young to be going to third base with anyone, dutch or no. The very thought gives me a pounding headache. Anyway, you should just be going on supervised dates at your age. Mr. Creepy Throat agrees.
Anthony
At 12:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
Well April I don't have to tell you the next installment of my car buying story but since your friends will want to hear it here it is, I am writing it now because tomorrow I will be back at school and you know how they are here, it's work work work for six whole hours a day, and then like a whole extra hour of grading when I get home.
Well I ended up buying a kind of cute little compact 4 door sedan I wanted a big luxury station wagon like Mom and Dad have because that's good for if I got a family but Gordon said they are above my price point. So I got a little car which will probably be good only as long as I'm single with no kids which I hope isn't long but when I have a husband we will have a bigger income and then we can get a wagon. The car is aqua green or turquoise or something which Gordon swears will be good for the resale value when I get married and trade in for a wagon though I kind of had my heart set on orange like that first car I looked at, that is such a popular color.
Well the day I closed the deal I had on my royal blue dress again, it is so pretty that I like to wear it alot. Also I haven't been able to buy many clothes because I can't afford it. You know April this is a good lesson for you because you keep saying how you don't want to get married right away but let me tell you that if you think Mike and Dee are struggling with money it is even worse when you are single. I have a teacher's salary and I work in the summers too for extra pay either as a teacher or at Lawrence's and I never had to pay rent up north or buy nice work clothes and I didn't have a car and I didn't have anywhere to spend my pay for two years yet when I moved down here I still had no savings. I have to live in a tiny little apartment with lots of roommates and Mom had to give me the money to buy a car and I can only afford like two or three new work outfits even if I buy them at KMart. Believe me there are good reasons to not be a spinster!! I mean really, just for example if I married Anthony I would be set, he already has a house and a good job. And I guess Paul does too. For you it would be even more obvious because you will be a poor vet student for a long time and Gerald has a trust fund. These practical things are important. Remember also you don't want to put off having babies or you will wake up one day and you'll be 30 and probably barren (though if you're lucky you will be able to have one baby after that, but probably not if you try for it, I think it has to be an accident).
So anyway, I took my car over to show it to April and she asked if we could go for a drive and I said "Mais oui!" and I'm not really sure why I did that, maybe because I had been talking to Anthony and he was complaining about his Quebeckwois(sp?) wife and how she kept insisting that she wanted Francoise to learn to speak both English and French at home at the same time, and how Anthony wanted her to learn only English first because he didn't want the baby to turn out to be a nasty French bitch like her mother.
Anyway we went on the drive and April asked me what it was like to own my own car and I said it was scary because I might be out of a job in September. Then April begged me not to move away and I promised I wouldn't that I would stay here down south no matter what, even if I can't get a job ever, I'm not going back up north, it's just not for me, even if I loved my friends and my school and the town and my apartment and also Paul was up there. Then I said we could spend lots of time together and April said that was good but that she was going to the farm next week which I knew so I am not sure why that surprised me.
You know though, it's not really scary that I might not have a job or an income in September because I know that if that happens, Mom will let me move home and will pay my bills for me, just to make sure I don't do something crazy like start looking for a job too far away from Milborough. It's great to have such understanding and involved parents!
I have to go now, I'm supposed to talk to Paul on the phone tonight, but it's after midnight and he still hasn't called. I wonder what's up?
Liz
At 2:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
It’s too late to call your sister now. I just finished a 20-hour shift of working to help with a big fire in Northwest Ontario. I told my shift captain I needed to call your sister at 10 pm for our usual 2-hour call. My shift captain said, “Constable Wright, you will not be calling your girlfriend while you are at work, unless you want to find yourself looking for a job.” I decided to betray your sister and stay employed. After all, one of us has to be in order to make the car loan payment on her new car.
If you get up before I do tomorrow, and your sister asks if you have heard from me, please tell her what happened. I can’t call her because she needs her rest for her very trying teacher job. They have been working her so hard; I don’t know how my sweet girl can keep up. She told me what her school was like, and I can tell you, the school in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was a lot less demanding.
Miigwetch (Thank you)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:32 AM,
howard said…
April,
If you become a lumberjack, you should learn to drive a Fjord. They are very a-fjord-able. No. Marjee. I’m stopping now. Don’t take
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