April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Speaking of my band, not the Animals. . . .

So the band had one last practice B4 I have 2 leave 4 Manitoba and Duncan leaves 4 the cottage vacation. We were playing kinda loud, I guess, and we got cussed out by a rellie of Ger'z. I hadn't met her B4, but "Ger" sez it's his aunt. Here'z what he wrote abt her last nite:
Sorry about that crabby lady who busted in on our last jam session. That's my dad's sister. I didn't get to introduce you 'cause she ran off so fast. Man, she is a real witch with a b. She makes us call her "Doctor Lavinia" instead of just "Aunt Lavinia." If we forget, she starts screaming about how she didn't spend seventeen @#*&! years getting an M.D. and a Ph.D. just to be called "Aunt." Don't even think about calling her "Aunt Vinny." She throws stuff.

Anyway, Aunt Vinny showed up last week. Dad invited her to join his practice. Guess he has too many crazies on his hands. Mom's pissed. Her and Aunt Vinny haven't got along since the time Vinny replaced her sugar-free breath mints with the kind that has sugar. Mom ate like five before she found out and she swears it made her gain ten pounds. Also, Aunt Vinny cusses and puts her feet up on the white chenille couch. Aunt Vinny is kind of cool, so long as she's not pissed at you.
NEway, what happed is that Dr. Lavinia came in2 Ger'z rehearsal space rite after we finished practicing our new song. We were playing sorta loud, so we scared away the dog. Dr. Lavinia was all, "Gerald, that piece U played was 2 loud!!" And "Ger" repeated, "2 loud?" And after she left, he sed it again, "2 loud!" And I sed, "That's cool!" And Luis was all, "Yeah! Now we've got a name 4 it!"

So, 2 answer Jeremy's questions. I'd actually put a whole list of Becky's tour sked @ the end of my letter, and I didn't have that line abt wondering how Becks wd do in school. U're right, Mom did an edit on that, I 4got 2 say. BTW, when Becky starts selling her CD, peeps, U totally hafta buy it, it's v. cube!

Ger, I'm gonna hafta make out w/"U" a bit B4 I go 2 Manitoba, but I'll totally B thinkin' of U when I do.

BTW, I heard Anthony hadta spend the night in the burn unit of the hospital last nite, and that police R there now interrogating him!



  • At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson said…

    Oh man, McDunC nevah gets sumthing 4 nuthing. Id give back the rehersal studio & play choo-choos evry day if my dad wld sell the st00pid nu cottage @ Terror Lake that he bot w/sum of his casino $. My dad told me last nite that I have 2 quit my job & go 2 the cottage today 4 the rest of the summer. WTF? I go, Ill lose $ if I don't work & he goes, $ isn't evrything, he wanted more family time, & had already put dbl my wages 4 the rest of the summer in my acct. I begged my mom not 2 make me go, she says, I have 2 go, Dr. Larson forced her & they think Zed & I need time apart, & NEway theres a lot of work 2 b dun @ the cottage b4 she comes up next week w/Gran, Perdita, Alastair & Goatbaby. Then I really freaked. Dad nevah said NEthing 2 me abt them coming, Grans OK, but I dont want 2 c the rest of them evah again. My mom started 2 cry & I felt rilly bad & I lied & said wed all have a cube time @ the cottage. Yah rite. Ive put June 11, 2007, in2 my agenda, its Run Away 4 Evah Day, my 16th birthday, no1 can make me do family time after Im 16. So Im off 2 Terror Lake 2day, no Zed, no TV, no fone, no 'puter, no friends, lots of blackflies. The Mboro Youth Detention Centre is bettah, Kimmi told me they have a TV there.

    C u in Sept.
    Fish Boy

  • At 9:36 AM, Anonymous duncan anderson said…

    C, I have coercion on my mind, Dr. L foned my mom & they decided I shld go 2 Terror Lake.

    L8r. Much l8r.

    Fish Boy

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I’m glad you and your friends are learning exotic curse words. At least I think that is what you are saying, when you say, “”@*”. Things are little tense here in castle Patterson somewhere in or near Toronto. My lovely Deanna is not too fond of my brass lamp, which I got from Lovey Salzman, our landlady. She says, “We didn’t have a yard sale, just so you could pick up junk. Does Lovey give away anything that isn’t broken?” I said, “This isn’t junk. This is a piece of history, which I am lucky to have. If you want to see real junk, you should see Melville Kelpfroth’s war memorabilia. He has junk like George Patton’s helmet, and a saber used by Louis Riel. It makes me sick just to think of that devilish trash being below us. It probably makes my son sick too.” Deanna said, “Whatever, Mike. But if I catch you trying to plug in that broken brass lamp again, I will invite my mother over.” That’s a pretty serious threat and Sheilagh Shaughnessy has told me I should take heed of her commands. After all, Deanna has stashed cash all over the apartment now, and I am little afraid of catching the place on fire if I so much as fert a little too explosively. Sheilagh says it is my duty to finish her story, and it would not do for me to set the apartment on fire and burn myself to death via historical treasure lamp. It’s hard to finish a book when you are dead. I know some authors have done it, like Moses and Charles Dickens, but they are the rule and not the exception. Or is that the other way around?

    You may have heard, I had a little disaster with my co-author and co-producer Anthony Caine on our sitcom, “Foobin’ With Mr. C”. I got to speak to him briefly after the police were through with him. He had a little problem at the gas pump yesterday. He said it was because he mistook some medicine for some white grapes, which he loves. This led him to realize that he could not longer tolerate the increased price at the gas pump which also caused him to invoke his national pride. Good old Anthony. You can always count on him to stand up for what is right. He would make someone a good husband someday, after he gets out of hospital. However, I told him it was too early to start writing the holiday-oriented scripts for “Foobin’ With Mr. C”. The Canada Day episode he suggested, we could write after the series had been picked up. Right now, I am waiting for Anthony to get out of hospital to continue, although I will still go to mom’s to write outlines. I think mom is falling in love with the Mr. C character. She likes him better than Sheilagh Shaughnessy, but I suspect it is just because Mr. C is easier to pronounce.

    My other endeavour, the play about my young life, did have some good news about it and some bad news. The bad news was the young lad who was set to play me in the show is sick. So we have to wait until he is better to finally stage the production. The good news is that it gives me time for some rewrites. I saw my children playing and it inspired me to remember my childhood. I added a long scene of Gordon and Brian Enjo and me catching ladybugs and sipping noodles through a straw. I have the hysterical line for the young Brian that goes like this, “I cannot sip noodles through a straw. With noodles, you must use chop-sips.” Get it, chop-sips, chop sticks? That reminds me; I should videotape the show and send a copy of the tape to Brian. He would love it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your writings about your band practice were interesting. Personally, I don’t think “Too “@* Loud” is a very good title for a song. onzaam “@* ombiigizi is the Ojibway version and it has much more Native poetry to it, I think.

    Your sister called me late last night. I was at work, so she did not wake me up. It was unusual for her to call at that time. She said, “My friend Anthony has been in a terrible accident. I went to visit him in the hospital. The doctor said he got some bad medicine, went crazy, and has cuts and burns on his body. They let me into see him after they were done with him. The nurse said since I was Elizabeth Patterson, I was practically family, so I was allowed in with the rest of the family, his nidaanis (daughter) and his ngashi (mother).”

    She said, “Anthony looked so weak and frail, lying in the hospital bed with those bandages.” I tried to talk to him, but he said, “This @#$ hurts. I need some ^&*( drugs!” His little nidaanis (daughter) was there and she said, “@#$” Then she said, “^&*(“. I told the little girl her noos (father) was in pain and she shouldn’t repeat words like that. Anthony’s ngashi (mother) was there and said, “Oh she hears worse on the radio. The titles of songs on the radio these days. Awful. It’s not like the old days, when you could hear Bobby Curtola on the air.” Your sister was appalled and she had to leave immediately. Then she called me. We talked and talked until I got a call about a hitman coming through Otter County. So, I had to hang up and do my job.

    Supposedly the hitman had been hired by the Canadian Institute of Chartered Accountants to take out a rogue member of their group. It was not a dangerous operation. Like most accountants, the hitman tried to defend himself using an Indian burn, but my mishomis (grandfather) taught me ways to defend against that long ago. He is now in our jail, and I have given him some counseling. He seems convinced that working as a corporate accountant would pay better than being a hitman, and he is ready to give up his life of crime. Another successful case for Constable Paul Wright.

    I talked to Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper about my phone conversation with your sister and the arrest of the hitman. Chipper said, “*&^%, Suds (her name for me). It is so obvious your girlfriend is %^&* this guy Anthony. Instead of talking on the phone to her every night, you should come up to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and $%*& me.” I said, “I think I know that song. Didn’t Shania Twain cover it?” Chipper said, “Come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and I will $%^& you until your legs don’t work anymore.” I said, “Celine Dion?” I am not very good with song titles. Chipper didn’t seem as chipper as she usually is when I guessed wrong. But she always gets over it.

    Your sister is going to drive up to White River see me this weekend. I think she may meet my ningitiziim (parents) for the first time, since they live in White River. Chipper said she may stop by for a brief visit too. My ningitiziim (parents) remember Chipper from the pow-wow trail. They adore her. I am really looking forward to seeing my sweet girl again. It has been a month since I last saw her.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:18 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, too “@* loud. i don’t wanna upset u, but that song title wuz done by the bedouin soundclash, i think. b-sidez, a rule of thumb iz 2 nevah take song titlez frum thingz ur ‘rents or ur gerald’s aunt lavinia, in this case, say. if rebeccah took song titlez frum thorvald, all her songz wud b ‘bout vikingz cuttin’ off peeps' heads w/axes or man luv.

    rebeccah haz announced she is celib8 4 the rest of the tour. she also announced if ne1 touches her makeup, they will b killed n the most painful way possible. i’m kinda not n ne danger ‘bout the makeup, but there r guyz n the tour bus who r n2 that kinda stuff. az 4 celib8, thass rilly gud. wen we started this tour, rebeccah sed she wuz prolly gonna ^%#$ me b4 the tour wuz done. i have a hard tyme resisting rebeccah, especially wen she says things like ^%#$. 4 sum reazn, wenevah i go 2 sleep, i wake up smelling rebeccah’s perfume on me & my lips r rilly tired. i dunno wut that’s about. neway, thanx 2 a celib8 rebeccah, i think i can make it all the way 2 the end of the tour & stay faithful 2 eva.

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I am glad you have a new song title. I think you are so smart to make up your own songs. I don’t think I will be allowed to say the title to your song. My brother Blair hit his foot on the edge of a table yesterday and he said, %$#@, *&^%, and )(*&. So I said, %$#@, *&^%, and )(*&. My mother heard me say it and she said, “You didn’t speak with ellipses! I’m so proud! You used those words! You’re grounded.” I was happy and sad at the same time. I didn’t think I could do that, but I did. Anyway, that’s the reason I can’t say your song title. I don’t want to be grounded any more than I am.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky’s performance at the Folklorama 2006, Winnipeg’s Folk Music Festival is not until tomorrow. In the meantime, we had a chance to visit the sights and sounds of Winnipeg. Marjee, Becky and I were hitting the streets, looking for a good gay bar, when this girl with a very large, Jay Leno, kind of chin popped out and said, “Stop him before he gets away!” We looked and there was this little white dog with no legs flying through the air. We were all 3 pretty startled, but thanks to my experience as a Newfoundland dog, last October, I recovered first and started to give chase. For a flying animal with no legs, he was a pretty fast animal. Fortunately, I have taken up running to keep in shape on the road, since I cannot carry my free weight set with me. Your father loaned me his tape he got from Pete’s Gym called, “Jogging For People To Meet And/Or Stalk Their Neighbours.” It has been very handy on the tour, and I have made friends and inquired about potential real estate all across this great land of ours.

    On this particular occasion though, the benefit was that I was able to keep up with the flying, legless white dog. And when it made a wrong turn into a closed alley, I was able to snag the dog by its tail. Unfortunately, I had not accounted for the dog’s flying abilities, and it started to drag me into the sky. Right about that time Becky grabbed my leg and Marjee grabbed my other leg in order to pull me down. It was also at that time I wished that Marjee and Becky weighed a little more, because they started going into the sky also. The young lady with the big chin came into the alley, tied a leash around my leg and attached the other end to her chin and hauled me in. Then she grabbed the dog. She was most profuse in her thanks for our effort, and she invited us to have lunch with her. I was interested in seeing what she could possibly do with a flying dog. She said, “I am just the assistant at the veterinary clinic, but if you want, all 3 of you could come in and watch a surgery.”

    So after lunch we did. It turns out that the flying, legless dog in question is to be fitted with lead-filled prosthetic legs, which will serve the dual purpose of keeping the dog close to the ground, while allowing it to run and play like a regular dog. The procedure looked pretty normal. Becky nudged me during the operation and said, “This is the kind of thing April wants to do for a living, except she would probably sing during the operation.” The big-chinned girl said, “Did I hear you say April? I have a cousin named April who is supposed to be here next week.” I said, “Is she from Ontario?” The big-chinned girl said, “Yes she is.” Becky said, “Does she wear her hair in bangs and pony-tail or a helicopter bun?” The big-chinned girl said, “Yes she does.” Marjee said, “Is her name April Patterson?” The big-chinned girl looked disappointed and said, “No. My cousin’s name is April %^&*.” Becky said, “That’s a catchy song title.” I said, “You could definite put a beat to it.” Marjee said, “It makes me want to dance.” The big-chinned girl said, “I get that all the time. Would that my family had a less melodic name.”

    We thanked her for showing us the operation, and we have been humming %^&* all down the street. So far it has been a very interesting day.

    Howard K.

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…

    (dictated to Nurse Lovelace)


    Can't write much because I'm in too much &$#*&ing pain. I was so fed up with the ^%$&ing current political situation and the &@#^&%$*^#ers who set the the unjustified *#^$ing gas prices that I thought I make a God*@$**#ed statement and let the world know that if it didn't like it, it could kiss my pimply @$$.

    I had taken prescripton medication and wasn't thinking straight. I said some things about the First Nations that I neither believe nor advocate. I'm pretty sure I also called Jewish people *%$@^ies and Muslims *&^@ing %&*$suckers and French Canadians *%^$#ies who eat *~$$^ and *&%# *%@#$%s. According to police reports I even worked in a word or two about the Baha'i and Zoroastrians, and for that I am truly sorry. Trust those *%$gots to write down every word I said.

    I still love my &$*# country very much, and all you guys. I hope Liz will come and visit me again. Sorry that my *%$# got hard on your last visit. Oh, and it was a Maple Leaf. Everyone is saying it looked like a &$%#.


  • At 2:16 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Oh Anthony, I am so sorry about your accident! Of course I will come visit you again. Now that I have a car, it will be no trouble at all, I can give up some of my naps to make time.

    I don't like the swearing though. It's very unbecoming, and you know what we teachers say, using swears stunts your vocabulary.


  • At 6:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, every1's swearing 2day! i had no idea ger and "ger"'z aunt was starting a trend. i feel v. bad 4 the %^&* family of manitoba and their relative april %^&*. man, is that ruff!

    and sorry u hafta go 2 the cottage and b apart from zed and spend all that time w/perdita an' the otherz, dunc!

    anthony, do u have any, like, memories abt mayB talkin' 2 a hitman. mayB making a lil, erm, joke abt going up 2 otter county and hunting down a certain cop?


  • At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Brian Enjo said…

    Mike, no, please don't send that to me!


  • At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    It is good to hear from you. I understand you perfectly about the video. A man who has developed his own business based on his computer drawing skills and architecture skills needs a DVD, compatible with Japanese systems. I think I can handle that.

    Sayこんにちは(hello) to your wife Junko and your daughter Tamika for me. Deanna and I hope to get to Japan someday to visit you, but first we need to buy a house and get out of this apartment.

    By the way, I forgot to tell you thanks for keeping me up-to-date on your sister, Dawn in Ottawa. She was Elizabeth’s friend in high school, but unfortunately, my sister’s communication skills have gotten worse and worse as she has gotten older. She hasn’t mentioned talking to Dawn in her monthly letters in over a year. It got so bad that I took it on myself to keep the family updated on her whereabouts in my monthly letter from last month. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me how she is.

    Yes, believe it or not, the whole family still does monthly letters and mom still edits them to be the way she likes. Last month, when I wrote that Dawn was still engaged to her fiancé David for almost 2 years now, mom asked me if I had my information correct. She thinks a year-long engagement is about right, but not much longer than that. I think she wanted to change my letter to say Dawn had married David, but that would silly, even for mom. She won’t say this directly, but for some reason, right now mom is obsessed with the idea that Elizabeth needs to be engaged by September, but Liz’s life is such a mess these days, I don’t see how that could possibly happen.

    As for mom, neither she nor dad has mentioned your mom since the disastrous visit where the animals were constantly jumping up on her. I don’t know if they ever will again. Mom is still mad that your mom suggested she put the animals in the back yard for her visit. Mom and dad can hold a grudge for a long time. Dad has a cousin named Fiona Brass, who actually lives in Milborough, to whom he has not spoken since April was born. I’m glad you and I still get along well enough to write.

    Again, thanks for writing. I will be sure to send you that DVD.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:35 PM, Anonymous Brian Enjo said…

    Speaking of grudges, Junko is apparently harbouring one about a joke you made when you were in Japan. Something about "Junko in her trunko"? I don't know.

    Really, no need to send the DVD. I cringe when I think about "chop-sip".


  • At 9:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if howeird evah asks u2 go 2 the winnipeg rock museum, lemme give u a hint. it’s not ‘bout rock & roll. we were goin’ thru this place & marjee & rebeccah were lookin’ @the precious stonez & stuff & makin’ a list of wut they wud like 2 have az jewelry. actually, howeird wuz doin’ that 2. i wuz bored outa my skin. it wuz like goin’ shoppin’, which i h8. aftah awhile, i stopped followin’ them & i just sed, “i’ll cu @the gift shoppe, when ur done.” there’z a little café next 2 the gift shoppe & sat down 4 a cuppa. it wuz kinda crowded & wen this old guy & this youngah guy asked if they cud sit @my table, i sed they cud.

    the oldah guy sed 2 the youngah guy, “thanx 4 bringin’ me danny. aftah my heart attack, carrie duzn’t like me 2 drive nemore.” danny sed, “that wuz a v.v. good xxhibit, eh?” the oldah guy sed, “well, it’s not 2 bad. there r a few stonez i don’t have.” danny guy sed, “wut ru gonna do w/all thoze stonez u have been collectin’ all theze yearz?” the oldah guy sed, “rox have been a passion of mine evah since the dayz wen i worked the minez. but u don’t hafta beat ‘round the bush, danny. my son can’t stand rox. he loves kiddie trainz. the logical choice iz 4 u & bev 2 get my collection.” danny sed, “thanx, dad. i will make sure it’s taken care of properly.”

    the oldah guy sed, “it’s no offence 2 my son. he haz chozen hiz own path. but evn back n the old dayz he hadda hard tyme w/farm life.” danny sed, “the last tyme he wuz up, he wuz talkin’ ‘bout how we put up 1500 bales of hay n 1 day.” the oldah guy sed, “that numbah gets biggah every tyme he tellz it, evn tho simple math can give u the truth of it. 1500 bales / 24 hours n a day = 62.5 bales an hour. so thass more than 1 bale a minute, not countin’ the tyme it takes 4 combining & liftin’ them up on2 the wagon, & again @the barn on2 the conveyor. evn w/a team of 10 men, u can’t do that many.” danny sed, “’wut i remembah most wuz john spendin’ mosta the day throwin’ watermelon seeds on2 the backs of the pigs.” the oldah guy sed, “he liked lookin’ @thoze pigz 4 sum reazn.”

    the oldah guy sed, “my favrite wuz wen he decided 2 use a cutting torch on an old barrel of varsol.” danny sed, “ur favrite. not mine. that little accident took my eyebrowz off. i wuz runnin’ ovah 2 try 2 stop him wen the thing xxploded.” the oldah guy sed, “well, it wuz scary @the tyme, but funny aftahwardz.” danny sed, “he did have a kinda st00pid look on hiz face wen u were yellin’ @him that evn the stupidest farm hand knows bettah than 2 try 2 torch anything that usedta hold engine cleaner.” the oldah guy sed, “b-sidez the drum had a big sign on the side that sed, “DO NOT PRESSURIZE, CUT, WELD, BRAZE, SOLDER, DRILL, GRIND, OR EXPOSE SUCH CONTAINERS TO HEAT, FLAME, SPARKS, STATIC ELECTRICITY, OR OTHER SOURCES OF IGNITION: THEY MAY EXPLODE AND CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.” dad sed, “& the material safety data sheets r posted on the side of the barn wall.” the 2 men started gigglin’ 4 a bit, & i kinda felt uncomfortable. but not as uncomfortable az wen they started talkin’ next.

    so then the oldah guy sed, “so my granddaughter iz gonna b up next week @ur place?” danny sed, “thass rite. 1st one of john’s kids 2 come back.” the oldah guy sed, “it duz my heart gud 2 hear it. it means sum of my side of the famly haz made it n2 1 of thoze kids.” danny sed, “can u b-lieve john actually wunted laura 2 take april 2 a rilly, gory, scary surgery 2 try 2 scare her off frum b-ing a vet?” the oldah guy sed, “not rilly. hiz wife convinced hiz 2 othah kidz 2 go n2 jobs she wunted & now it’z hiz turn. i don’t think it’ll work. april iz not the type 2b a dental assistant or a hygienist.” danny sed, “2 have that kinda work & then 2 work w/her dad n hiz office, it wud prolly kill her.” the oldah guy sed, “well, her mothah iz obsessed w/havin’ all her kids live n the same town w/her.” danny sed, “well, bev is kinda the same way w/laura.” the oldah guy sed, “laura can leave ne tyme she wunts, but she duz plan 2 take ovah bev’s old vet practice, so it’s best she sticks ‘round.”

    i sed, “xxcuze me. i think i shud prolly let u know i’m frum mboro & i know april patterson. i go2 skool w/her.” the oldah guy sed, “ur 1 of her teacherz?” i sed, “no. a student. i just look old.” danny sed, “ur not that bf she wuz talkin’ ‘bout all last summer, ru?” i sed, “no, thass gerald forsythe-delaney.” the oldah guy sed, “no, it wuz the kid who livez down the road frum u, steve.” danny sed, “i think that wuz hiz name. so wut’s ur name?” i sed, “my name iz jeremy jonez.” danny & the oldah guy looked @each othah & started laffin’. the oldah guy sed, “ur jeremy jonez?” danny sed, “we’re tryin’ not 2b rude, but u don’t xxactly match april’z description.” the oldah guy sed, “u don’t look much like a 14-yo, sexy, bad boy, jeremy.” i sed, “well my hair kinda fell out a little while ago & it’s kinda just growin’ back n.” danny sed, “sorry, jeremy. we know thingz w/guyz r kinda weird n mboro. prolly ‘bout this tyme last year, u looked like a 14-yo, sexy, bad boy.” then they started lafffin’ again.

    rite ‘bout this tyme, rebeccah & marjee & howard came by. rebeccah sed, “u reddy 2 go?” i looked @the 2 laffin’ men & i sed, “way past reddy.” wen i left they were still laffin’ like they were gonna wet their pants.

    neway, i thot i wud let u know wut happed, n case u hear ‘bout it next week.

  • At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    That “Junko in her trunko” was a little embarrassing, particularly when she told me it was pronounced zhoon-ko with "oon" as in "loon" or as in Michael Pattersoon. Troon-ko is not nearly as funny as truhn-ko, even though it rhymes better.

    I’ll be sure to send you an extra copy of the DVD to give to Junko as a peace offering. You didn’t think “chop-sip” was funny? Well, you were young at the time. It sounds cute when the little Oriental kid who plays you says it. If it’s a problem I’ll take it out. I don’t want to make any more enemies over in Japan than I have to.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:21 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I called in to school sick today. Man can you believe I haven't had even one week day off since school started? Up north at least one day a week none of the kids came to school at all. Anyway I called the principal and said my creeping eye fungus had flared up again but that the kids could come to my apartment to watch educational videos while I recuperated. He was so rude, he didn't even say "no thank you Miss Patterson," he just hung right up!

    Well of course I wasn't really sick, I just needed some time to get ready for my trip to see Paul this weekend. I have gone over my plan at least 20 times now and I'm sure it's a good one. I am going to work on Thursday, work on Friday, and then leave work on Friday and drive like crazy all night long to get up to see Paul without sleeping or stopping for anything except gas. I even borrowed a couple of Grandpa's adult diapers when I was home last weekend. Of course I didn't get over to see Grandpa, I didn't have time, but Mom has some at her house, just in case. Anyway as you can see I am very serious about my travel plans.

    I figure I will get there sometime Saturday morning. Then I will want to sleep, probably a lot, since I will have been awake at least 24 hours. So figure I sleep from the time I get there until around probably dinner time on Saturday. Then I will have dinner probably with Paul's family, I think I am supposed to finally meet them. Have I met them before? Maybe. I don't remember. Anyway, Paul and his relatives are "early to bed" types so we will probably eat and chat for an hour or so then they will all go to bed. I probably won't be able to sleep though, so I will probably be awake, probably using that time to grade the never ending mountain of papers the crazy people in Mississauga expect me to grade, they are nuts, you should see how much homework they make me give!

    Anyway, I figure that on Sunday morning I will have breakfast with Paul's family then hit the road so I can get home and be ready to go to school on Monday. Also I will need to have special kitty time with Shiimsa, she will be very upset that I am gone that long. She is actually the reason I took time off today, she found out about my travel plans and is very angry. She peed in the drawer where I keep some of my Sensible Schoolmarm outfits, and I had to clean that up, it took hours. So you see I really just had nothing to wear, for some reason they frown on teachers wearing jeans and earth-toned sweaters and big woolly parkas here.

    This thing with Anthony is so distressing, I don't know what to say. His mother shouldn't be giving him medication, that's not her job, she's not a doctor. Anthony really needs a responsible woman in his life.


  • At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

    Please forgive me. I think I need to speak to you about your plans. I know you did not have time for our usual 2-hour conversation because you were busy packing and cleaning up Shiimsa’s messes. But I read your writing about your travel plans and I think you should know that this weekend is the August long weekend. Monday is called "Civic Holiday" and your sister said in Toronto it's called Simcoe Day after John Graves Simcoe, the first lieutenant governor of Upper Canada. You will not need to be back to work until Tuesday, not Monday.

    Some of my relatives you have met. You have met my nimishoome (uncle) and my ninoshenh (aunt) in Otter County, where I live, during March break. You have met my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), where you used to live. In White River are my ingitiziim (parents). They were the people waving to you when you left on the helicopter last December for Toronto. You have not met them yet. These are the people you are meeting. Plus my mishomis (grandfather) is also there. They are looking forward to meeting you. I have told them many things about you. Be prepared for some good native humour.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 12:44 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Oh, right. Monday. Well, I'm not sure I can stay that long, I have to ask Shiimsa if it is all right. She was counting on me being back on Sunday night and I don't want to make her upset, you can't believe what a mess she makes when she's upset.


    P.S.--I was pretty sure I hadn't met your parents yet but I didn't know because sometimes one ningitiziim looks like another you know?


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