April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Liz made a funny, peeps!

When Liz took me 4 a ride in her new car, we stopped off @ that burger place that has outdoor seating. Liz wants me 2 post her comment about this that she posted last nite (again, Mike, this indented bit is a direct quote fr. Liz):
Anyway, that gives me some time to tell some of the rest of the "sister trip in the new car" story for your friends. I hate to say I do not come off very well in this story, but it's not my fault as you will see.

First I forgot April is going back to the farm this summer. Now you might think that is a big thing to forget but I have a lot on my mind and also, it is a really weird thing, I mean Mike and I have stayed as far away from that place as we could ever since. But April says she loves it, she's got a thing for horses. I guess I can kind of understand that, my experiences up north taught me an appreciation for nature and how some people are just naturally in tune with it. It helps to have native blood but people like me are natives at heart you know and love the simple things like the outdoors. Probably April gets this quality from me, as you know I even have a spirit name.

Then I made a joke that April did not like, when she said she liked to be with animals all the time, I said that reminded me to ask her how her band was doing. I thought it would be funny because Mom is always calling her a Martian, I thought it would be hilarious if her sister made a different allergy [sic] or whatever. But April was totally pissed at me about it, I had to spend at least ten minutes calming her down after that. Wow Mom is so right, April, you are so touchy these days!
Liz, the word U wanted was analogy, not allergy! When Liz made this comment abt animals and my band, I was all "OMG, do I look like Eric Burdon 2day?" But she gave me one of those super-blank looks and I'm pretty sure I heard a slight "whoosh" sound, like something had just flown over her head!

Howard, wow, I knew U had a lotta skillz fr. yr circus dayz, but it soundz like U totally rocked thoze axes!!! And good riddance 2 make-up stealing Brynja, eh, Becks? Who needs that?!?!?!



  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…


    I had such a nice talk with your sister over IM last night. Learned all sorts of stuff, like that now on the internet they spell cool "kewl" and that divorce is spelled "diverse."

    She listened to all my plans for the gas station, like arranging the candy bars alphabetically to make it easier to find an Almond Joy or a Zagnut. The stupid vendor is always putting the bestselling ones up on the top shelf, which strikes me as unfair to Lemonheads and Charleston Chews. I also want to have the attendant wear a tie and a little paper envelope hat to add a classy feel. Your mom says manners in this country started going downhill when everyone quit wearing hats in public.

    Gordon nixed my plan for a 24-hour crepe station, but Liz is totally on board with the idea, so I'm hoping she can casually mention it when she goes in to get the extra-large cupholder and armrest muffin bin Elly special ordered. Your family has a lot of influence with Gordon.

    Oh, Mom's home from the hospital. They gave her some new pills that are making her totally chipper, but she's drinking a lot of water. They were going to have a social worker check in on us, but Gord's lawyer scared them off. Just as well, the laundry and garbage has been piling up since they took her to the hospital.

    April, did you do something to the hot water heater? I like really hot, steamy showers in the morning, it makes the 'stache easier to trim and now that Donna's got me shaving my legs...anyway, this is hardly hot enough to fog up the mirror. What gives?


  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur fam. i swear april, if u end up makin’ sumthin’ of urself n this world, u wud b on sum awards platform & the tyme wud come 4 u2 thank peeps 4 supportin’ u n wut u did, & u wud hafta say sumthin’ like, “thanx 4 the award 4 helpin’ animalz. i wanna thank my auntie & my cousin & my uncle 4 givin’ me my 1st xxperience on a farm & especially i wanna thank my sis & my dad & my mom 4 tellin’ me i shudn’t have ne ambition & makin’ fun of my dreamz. if it wuzn’t 4 them tickin’ me off, i wudn’t b where i am 2day.” it prolly wud’ve been bettah 2 simply tell ur sis 2 step off. ur sis duzn’t sound she like knowz much ‘bout old musick groups like the animals. mebbe u can practice on granthony. it soundz like he needz it just az bad az ur sis.

    u prolly won’t be n mboro wen i get back frum tour, so i hope u have a gr8 trip. it’s funny we’re here n manitoba, wen ur comin’ here aftah we leave. mebbe we can wave 2 each othah az we pass on the road. i guess ur prolly takin’ a plane, so thass a st00pid idea. neway, tell eva i miss her & i’ll c her soon. there’z not much left on this tour.

  • At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    Sometimes my brother Blair plays little tricks on me, but when I tell him about how it is my dream to get my Toward Independent Living (TIL) certificate, so I can be on my own, and make my own money, and take care of myself; my brother Blair always pays attention and he tells me, “Shannon. You can do it. Your dream will come true.” I love my brother Blair.

    I don’t understand your sister. She sounds like the opposite of my brother Blair. Maybe there is some kind of joke I do not get, but I do not know how Duncan and Gerald and Luis and Eva are like animals. Animals do not play instruments and make music. Animals do not talk on cell phones. Sometimes I hate being special needs. When people tell jokes I do not understand, I hate that the most. Everyone is laughing and I am still trying to decide what is funny. Maybe you can help me understand your sister’s joke. I do not get it.

    I followed your link to Eric Burdon. I guess your joke was he was a member of a group called The Animals. I don’t think your sister was talking about this, but maybe she was. You are so smart to know these things. My favourite group is called The Wiggles. If you did a joke about them I would get the joke. I think.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I do think Lizardbreath has unjustly maligned your band. I got to see your band at the shopping mall talent fest last month, your first gig with your new bandmates. I don’t think the comparison to animals was appropriate. Your band members are all clean cut and not very hirsute. If Lizardbreath wanted someone to compare to an animal, I could have recommended Melville Kelpfroth to her. The man drools and has enough body hair to hide a whole herd of horses and a barn or two. I understand the natives with whom Liz used to live have a hard time growing facial hair, so I know why she might get this confused. After she finishes visiting with you, Liz should come to our apartment and I can show her Melville up close. Then she will know what a man who truly looks like an animal is.

    By the way, if you manage to solve Anthony’s hot water problems, I would love it if you came by our apartment too. I have been working on ours, but I haven’t figured out the problem yet. Lovey says I am such a mensch, I can do it. She is so great to be so supportive me. When you get out into the world, I hope you get that kind of support from your landlady. I talked to dad about helping me out, but he said, “Choo choo trains displays don’t need hot water.”

    On a completely different topic, I have enjoyed writing my novel and the sitcom script for “Foobin’ with Mr. C” so much; I wanted to rewrite my play to incorporate some of my new ideas. I suggested that to Mr. Miroirbelle, the director and I think he actually tore some hair out of his head. I guess that is something drama people do, when they really like something. He also turned very red and spoke in a tight, intense voice and said, “We are in dress rehearsals. We are not going to do any more rewrites.” I completely understood where he was coming from. After all, my original material was of such high quality, he wouldn’t want it to be changed because of his artistic integrity. I told him I was very flattered he held my original work in such high regard. Then Mr. Miroirbelle doubled over and I initially thought he was sick. Instead, he said, “Yes. That’s it, Patterson. In high regard. Now please leave before you upset me any more.” It is not often I get such compliments. It really made my day.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister told me you have not been writing about her friend Anthony, so I am allowed to read your writings again. Yesterday was a hard day at work. We had to arrest a First Nations man for animal cruelty. He had a large number of undernourished and sick animals on his property. It made my heart sad to see them like this, particularly by someone who is Ojibway, who should know or at least have been taught better.

    While I was telling my sweet girl this story during our usual 10 pm phone conversation, her friend Anthony started IMing her. I could tell she was distracted, because when I kept telling my story she said, “Animals. That reminds me…how’s your relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)?" I said, “Are you saying my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) are like animals, or are you asking about their pets and livestock?” Your sister started laughing really hard and I said, “Did I say something funny?” Then she said, “That was hilarious, Anthony. Wait! I have to IM that and not just say it.” I said, “Did your friend tell you a joke?” Then your sister said, “Yes. Manitoba.” I said, “It was a joke about Manitoba?” Then your sister said, “Upset for 10 minutes.” I said, “I don’t understand what you are saying? Are you listening to me?” Then your sister said, “I have to hang up now, Anthony is telling me this hysterical story about April cleaning out a diaper pail full of cockroaches.” I suppose I shouldn’t have tried to talk to my sweet girl when she was busy talking to someone else. I will try to be more sensitive to her needs, the next time I call.

    After I talked to your sister, I called Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, and I told her the story about the abused animals. It made Chipper very sad, and she started to cry. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I really love animals. I hate it that people can be so mean and insensitive to not give them the treatment they deserve. People today are more interested in rock bands than preventing cruelty to animals.” I felt a lot better after talking to Chipper. If you are going to open your heart and feelings to someone, it is better to do that to someone who is not distracted or just looking for an opportunity to make a joke, like Elizabeth’s friend Anthony seems to be.

    I read your writings about going to Manitoba. I guess your auntie has a horse farm, since you wrote about horses. It sounds like a very exciting trip. Are you going to be able to do your writings while you are there? When you get there, you should see if your auntie will let Chipper and me visit with you. Winnipeg is a lot closer to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) than Milborough.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:15 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Notes from the tour:

    We arrived at Holt Renfrew in Winnipeg, Manitoba, just in time for it to open. Becky bought out their supply of Laura Mercier makeup. That stuff is really expensive. One of the things I like about wigs is that they enhance your natural beauty with very little effort. Also, they cost a lot less than makeup.

    Here in Winnipeg, Becky will be performing at Folklorama 2006, Winnipeg’s Folk Music Festival. We actually got here a little earlier than Thorvald had anticipated, due to Becky’s urgent makeup needs. So we have the opportunity to explore the area. If you were here, we could have some fun together. When do you leave? I don’t think I know your exact travel plans.

    Jeremy Jones is really happy to finally get here. He said, “Howard, what is it with Rebeccah? The whole way here she kept jabbing her elbow in my ribs or kicking me in the shins and telling me about how upset she was to have her Laura Mercier makeup stolen by Brynja. Then when I listen to her tell me how she feels, she would give me a big hug and tell me how glad she is I am a guy.” I tell Jeremy it is very important to be sensitive to a woman’s needs, particularly a woman whose talent is paying all our salaries. Jeremy said he would try, but that his ribs and his shins are getting sore. He thinks that just because Becky got her makeup, his ribs and shins are going to get a rest. However, if I know Becky, she is going to make a sharp turn from exploring lesbianism to acting like a vigorous heterosexual woman. She doesn’t do anything halfway. I expect Jeremy is going to be a lot sorer.

    By the way, Becky wanted me to remind you that her uncle Ralph can probably fix that hot water heater for your friend Anthony, so he will get all the hot water he needs and maybe more. Plus if he knows it’s for Anthony, Becky said he would probably fix it for free, just because he and Anthony have some unsettled business. You should give him a call.

    Howard K.

  • At 12:37 PM, Anonymous April Patterson said…

    hey, i'm @ the mboro library during my lunch break, using one of their computers.

    howard, pls do not call ralph 2 "fix" anthony's water heater. he had the max temp set 2 a v. v. unsafe level an' i had 2 change it 2 comply w/the baby-safety guidelines i got from the hospital.

    paul, i think my aunt and uncle wd luv a visit fr. u and susan. i will ask, tho, 2 b sure.

    shannon, the "joke" is supposta b that liz thinks my friends r animal-like, u know, like slovenly teenagerz. i think it's mean and not true and def. not funny.

    anthony, the thing abt "kewl" is true, but the thing abt "diverse" is just a typo.

    mike, wow, thanx 4 sticking up 4 me and the band. that's cube of u.

    jeremy, u r rite abt my fam, an' if i ever win an award like that, i will thank u 4 that comment!

    howard, i don't have my itinerary w/me. mom has it locked up in a filing cabinet. i will upd8 u when i can. it wd b so cube if u all were still there when i got 2 the farm!


  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…

    You know what guys? You're the greatest people in the whole world. Whole world. I have the best friends, I'm so lucky to have you. And I have the best boss. Gordo is so super cool it's sometimes easy to forget he's mobbed up to his cute little vanishing hairline. April I don't care about the hot water, it's just so great that you put it at a safe level for Francoise and me and my mom, who is the best mom in the whole world too. You're my best friend April. God I love Mayes Midtown Motors. It's the best place to work in the whole world. I should go do a store reset to make it even better, but first I better drink some water. This heat sure makes you cottonmouthed and thirsty, but I love it, much better weather than up north right Liz? Not that I mean up north is bad or anything, it's great, it's just greater down here near Milborough. I love Milborough. It's the best town in the best province in the best country in the whole world CANADA! You know what we should all do? We should all go to our windows at the exact same time and shout HOORAY CANADA like in that movie about the crazy newscaster. Where's the car? I've got to get to MAYES MIDTOWN MOTORS and tell eveyrone this plan. And do the store reset. And I think we should put in new landscaping. God computers are great. Did whoever invented them get some kind of award? Okay, I'm gonna grab a bottle of water and run. I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU GUYS!!~!~!~!~~

  • At 4:20 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    One of the special needs kids acted the way your friend Anthony is acting. They took him away some place. My mom said it was for his own protection. He really liked Canada too.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Anthony, you didn't take any of your Mom's pills, did you? My brother was over at your house the other day (he's an EMT) to help revive your Mom, and I don't think he'd be near as nice to you. I think you might get dropped off the stretcher a few times.

    You better be nicer to your Mom. I talked to Toni, and if you're not, we're going to send Dirk your way. And Gordon's "associates" are not going to be able to stop him, if you know what I mean.

    Paul, that is so sad about those animals. I'm glad you were able to rescue them.

    Becky 'n' Howard 'n' Jeremy, hope you are having fun at the music festival in Winnipeg!


  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Marjee, thanx so much 4 the "Greetings from Nunavut" postcard w/the polar bears on it. So cute! It's cool that the Inuit community dug your hairstyling skillz.

    Mom's great @ getting the government 2 give her money 4 her research projects. Remember when she got a federal grant 2 study the sociologial implications of Obowocksotobee interpretative dancing?

    So me & mom were out doing some back 2 school shopping, & we wanted 2 go 2 the Starbucks by Lilliputs, but I saw all these shady, silhouette ppl coming & going & got all weirded out. We stopped by Horny T's instead.


  • At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    I'm glad you liked the postcard, Vicks! Did BMM like the pictures I e-mailed her? Oh, I sent her the surveys she needed for her current project. She sounded really excited about it last time we spoke. Stay away from those silhouette people. They make me nervous!


  • At 12:07 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    wtf is granthony on?!?

    btw, i have dcided 2 have a celibacy phaze now. sex on the tour bus just causes probs.


  • At 12:10 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm glad to hear that you are feeling so positive today! That is a great sign, it means you are not depressed. I myself still have to look out to make sure I don't get depressed by sleeping more and eating heartily. I ate three helpings at dinner tonight and took a nap during the kids' free reading time today, just to make sure.


    P.S.--Oh Paul, by the way, I am very sorry about your animal story. I am also sorry I couldn't listen to it earlier because I took a nap during your call. I'm sorry, I have been sort of worked up lately and I have to work even harder on depression prevention.

  • At 12:25 AM, Anonymous gerald "dork" forsythe said…

    Yo Apeface,

    Sorry about that crabby lady who busted in on our last jam session. That's my dad's sister. I didn't get to introduce you 'cause she ran off so fast. Man, she is a real witch with a b. She makes us call her "Doctor Lavinia" instead of just "Aunt Lavinia." If we forget, she starts screaming about how she didn't spend seventeen @#*&! years getting an M.D. and a Ph.D. just to be called "Aunt." Don't even think about calling her "Aunt Vinny." She throws stuff.

    Anyway, Aunt Vinny showed up last week. Dad invited her to join his practice. Guess he has too many crazies on his hands. Mom's pissed. Her and Aunt Vinny haven't got along since the time Vinny replaced her sugar-free breath mints with the kind that has sugar. Mom ate like five before she found out and she swears it made her gain ten pounds. Also, Aunt Vinny cusses and puts her feet up on the white chenille couch. Aunt Vinny is kind of cool, so long as she's not pissed at you.

    Hey, we haven't made out in a really long time. Let's do that before you go to the farm, okay? I have a feeling I might not get a chance after you get back. I think I might be grounded. Forever. So let's get it on, okay?

    Sloppy kisses, Ger


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