April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 03, 2006


Well, I'm pretty sure we were given refreshments so that we'd be quiet, even tho the band was rilly rockin', but I guess Luis an' Dunc didn't notice, Luis being all "Yr Mom'z a nice lady, Gerald!" And Dunc being all, "Yeah. Really thoughtful!" "Ger" was a bit embarrassed that his mom made her usual "healthy" snax an' had his aunt deliver them 2 us. He had 2 break in2 his secret chocolate stash 2 get us something w/calories.

Jeremy, that's so wild that U ran in2 my Unk Danny an' my Grandpa Will! Sorry they laffed @ U like that. No way am I gonna B a dental assistant or hygienist! Sticking my hands in ppl's mouths while listening 2 a dentist make lame punz? I don't think so!

Liz, Paul, hope U have a gr8 weekend!



  • At 9:36 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i had this rilly strange dream last nite. i wuz lyin’ on the floor & gerald wuz hittin’ me w/hiz drumsticks. i wuz sayin’ 2 him, “stop u foob. hit the drumz nstead.” but he wuzn’t listenin’. then i looked up & i saw u & eva & duncan & luis guzmán & gerald all screamin’ @me w/ur eyez closed. then there were theze red flames above ur heads & these black flames below ur headz & sum of u were n black silhouette & sum of u were n shaded silhouette. it wuz like u had all turned n2 a 70s psychedelic band & i wuz trapped there between harvey korman and charo, w8in’ 4 my chance 2 make jokes w/flip wilson. plus i don’t evn know who thoze peeps r.

    then the screamin’ stopped & everythin’ went back 2 normal, xxcept 4 peeps eatin’ cupcakes w/pink frostin’. i had a cupcake 2 & i wuz sorta kinda kissin’ it. i looked ovah @evah & she had stuffed a whole cupcake n 1 of her cheeks, like she was a squirrel storin’ away nuts. it wuz kinda disgustin’ lookin’, evn tho it wuz eva & she iz usually hott. so i turn my attention back 2 my cupcake & nstead of it b-ing a cupcake, it wuz rebeccah. she sed, “look @eva. she iz a complete slob. ur a lot bettah off w/me.” then she started kissin’ me again, & her lipstick tasted like pink cupcake icin’ & so i was kinda kissin’ her & lickin’ the cupcake icin’ @the same tyme. &then she slapped me rilly hard & sed, “u perv. u kiss a girl u don’t try 2 eat her.” i think sumtyme ‘round this point, i realized i wuz awake on the tour bus, cuz i didn’t c u or gerald or eva or duncan or luis guzmán ne more, but i did c the othah peeps n the crew laffin’ & puttin’ the “l” sign 2 their foreheadz. that wuz the weirdest dream & y wuz rebeccah kissin’ me? i thot she wuz celib8 4 the rest of the tour.

    neway, the only good part wuz i remembahed the litin’ n the dream, & i think i may make a few adjustments 2 the litin’ 4 rebeccah’s show 2day. winnipeg seemz like a 1970s kinda town.

  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your writings about your band practice and the snacks were interesting. I remember when I visited your house and your ngashi (mother) made us snacks to eat while we were talking. She walked out with a tray and big paper sack. I think everyone was excited to see the food, until they realized the tray was empty and the paper sack was full of leftover cupcake paper. Your ngashi (mother) did not seem disturbed, but my sweet girl said, “Ngashi (Mom!). Do you eat all the snacks between the kitchen and here?” Your ngashi (mother) said, “No,” but she had so much food in her mouth, her cheeks were puffed out. I thought it was funny, but I noticed nobody else was laughing. I wonder if that ever happened when your band practiced at your house.

    I think your sister has agreed to stay in White River one more day, depending on whether Shiimsa gives her permission or not. I know once she gets to White River, my ningitiziim (parents) will love her so much, she will want to stay for Monday, no matter what Shiimsa says. I spent a little time last night explaining to her that my Irish noos (father) and my Ojibway ngashi (mother) could be easily distinguished, so she did not make a mistake like I did a few times during my visit when I thought your noos (father) and your ngashi (mother) were the same person. I was very embarrassed, but my sweet girl said it happens to people all the time when they don’t get to see your noos (father) and your ngashi (mother) side-by-side, or even sometimes when they do. I guess I am fortunate that when I first met your ngashi (mother), she was traveling by herself.

    I spoke to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, about your sister’s travel plans. She said if my sweet girl doesn’t stay through Monday, that would be the best time for her to stop by for a visit with my ningitiziim (parents). My ningitiziim (parents) remember Chipper from the pow-wow trail. They adore her. I told Chipper my ningitiziim (parents) would love to see her, even if Elizabeth was still there, but Chipper said she didn’t want to interrupt. Chipper is so polite. When my ningitiziim (parents) are just sitting in the kitchen, pondering their coffee cups and thinking thoughts of peace, she lets them sit. Chipper seems to know what people need sometimes.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg jer, i can't control what u dream abt me u perv!!

    but i should tell u that this is not the 1st nite u have been rolling around moaning my name. it happens a lot when ur sleeping.

    i think ur subconscious is trying to tell u sumthing. here's a promise 4 u jer: if u dcide u want 2 get w/ me, i will break my celibacy oath just 4 u.

    until then i m working on my summer reading list. wow i m doing so good now that no boys r distracting me! also, i think i want 2 get a cat. now that i m not snuggling w/ boys, i need sumthing else hairy 2 snuggle.


  • At 12:19 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April and Paul,

    I have had a long talk with Shiimsa and she insists that two days in White River are enough for me, she should get at least one day of my time a week. She is feeling very neglected what with my long hours teaching and my extra sleeping and going to Milborough a lot and now going to White River, I never have time to spend with her anymore. Shiimsa says I don't even deserve to own a cat, that is very hurtful to me.

    So I agreed to call Shiimsa from White River on Sunday and see how she is feeling. If she is doing ok I can stay but if she is upset I will drive home on Sunday. I am so proud of my cat, she is so smart and brave. She has learned to take the phone off the hook, she whacks it with her head!

    Also I will say that there is another reason to come back early now, Anthony will need someone to visit him in the hospital. I talked to him the other day and I guess it's just horrible conditions there, they won't even give him a sponge bath. I promised him I wuold come visit soon and see what I could do to help out. What a good guy, I don't know why his mom doesn't appreciate him.


  • At 12:20 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…



  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous susan dokis said…


    Sorry I haven't posted in awhile! As you probably remember, I am staying with Paul Wright's (aka Suds) relatives in Mtigwaki. They have been so kind to me that I spend a lot of my time with them, just hanging out and listening to their stories of the old days. You can absorb so much wisdom from the elders that way.

    Also, Suds is very thoughtful and drops by to visit whenever he has time. I am so glad! We are renewing the close friendship we had on the powwow trail. I am sure that soon we will be every bit as close as we were then--and that was close!

    Suds drove up here yesterday after his shift. He was a little upset about the way Liz's cat has disrupted their weekend plans. I tried to comfort him the only way I knew how. It seemed to work. I use special Native techniques. He fell asleep right after I was done, and I had to wake him up so he could get back to his post for his next shift.

    You are a lucky woman, Elizabeth. I hope you appreciate Suds for the great guy he is.

    Susan, aka Chipper

  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Rob Wilco said…


    Speaking as someone who lives with a headstrong cat, I would not let Shiimsa boss you around. Once these furballs get the upper hand, they'll be running your whole life.

    Whoops, got to go, Bucky's got my credit cards again!


  • At 2:40 PM, Anonymous Jon Arbuckle said…

    Liz, you just have to feed your cat. And keeping feeding her, to the point where she has no ambition or resolve to control you. Heck, it's like pulling teeth to get Garfield to help put away groceries, but I don't want animals to regulate my active dating life.



  • At 4:21 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Rob and Jon,

    Thank you for the advice but I don't think you know what it is like to have a native kitty, they are different from your average housecat. If I were to neglect my little animal friend I would not be worthy of my spirit name. Did you know I have a spirit name? It is a great honor from the Natives so I can't let them down, I have to take good care of my native kitty, she was a gift from the same little boy who gave me my spirit name, and I don't want my spirit name to get revoked.

    Rob, maybe you should get Bucky his own credit card with a low limit, that's what I did for Shiimsa and we don't fight about her allowance nearly so much anymore. Of course she is very responsible with money and maybe your cat is not, she only spends money buying tuna and cream on one of those internet grocery delivery places and then also she paid for a private email account I can't read. Probably she is just talking with her boyfriend which I understand even if I don't approve, a girl has to have her little secrets.

    Jon I would never let Shiimsa get in the way of my dating life but she and Paul need to learn to share time, not compete with each other for it. Maybe if you got your cat a girlfriend he would be more pleasant, Shiimsa is definitely more pleasant when she is going out on dates of her own. Though actually that is one reason I don't want to leave her alone all weekend, I don't want her boyfriend sleeping over.


  • At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Edda Burber said…


    I know just how difficult it can be to keep your cat under control and happy. I have a hard enough time keeping my life under control and happy, even though my life is devoted to only 2 things: ballet and my boyfriend Amos. My cat Solange is completely out of my control. She is never where I think she is and often she is where I would never think to look for her. She is handy when it comes to controlling visiting school headmistresses, like when Sister Steven came to visit me recently.

    There is one very odd thing about my cat, which I have not noticed with other people’s cats. Sometimes, there will be this voice I don’t know, except I associate it with my cat, whom I know does not speak. The voice always starts off by saying, “Hallmarks of Felinity” and then there is a follow-up phrase that usually sounds out somewhere near where my cat is. Sometimes I think I am cracking up, but my roommate and dance partner, Seth Appleby, says he can hear it too.

    I wish I could be more help to you, but how can I solve your problems when I can’t even solve my own? All I can do is wish you good luck on your trip.

    Good luck,
    Edda Burber

  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous millie said…


    Cats do have a lot of character to them don’t they? My Mooch is no problem at all, except when he shnubs the food I give him. He does have a few odd habits though. Sometimes he puts a dishtowel on his head and only answers when you call him the Shphinx. Mooch is also completely obsessed with his Lil’ Pink Sock. I can control him sometimes with the Lil’ Pink Sock, but I don’t need to that very often. Mooch is a good cat. Most of the time he wanders around the neighbourhood with his best friend, the dog next door named Ozzie. Maybe if your cat had a Lil’ Pink Sock, then you could use that.

    Have a nice trip!

  • At 6:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy, what a weird dream. i'm glad my practice session was not all scary like what u describe.

    liz, i hope u end up having a nice long wkend w/paul. mayB if u give yr kitty-sitter sum tips abt shiimsa'z fave foodz, she won't miss u so much.


  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Big fight between Jeremy Jones and Becky this morning. Becky told Jeremy she would break her celibacy oath for him. Then Jeremy told her she wouldn’t because she was engaged to me, and because she pinky-swore with you to wait until she was 16. Then Becky told Jeremy he was an idiot because celibacy doesn’t mean not having sex or not being engaged to get married. Jeremy said he wasn’t an idiot and he stormed off.

    Then Becky came up to me and said “I am done with perfume-stealing girlfriends and stupid boyfriends. I want to get a cat to snuggle for the rest of the tour.” I reminded Becky she had 2 dogs at home, not to mention she had been keeping the enormous dog Freyfaxi for her father and they would probably eat any cat she had. But Becky was not interested in logic, so we started off to the pet store.

    Before we got there, we passed a sign on the side of the road that said, “Cruikshank Farm: Horse rides, Tractor Rides, Chickens, Grain, Hay and no Pigs” and then just below that was a little sign attached that said, “Kittens.” Becky said, “Let’s go there.” So we drove the car as far down the drive as it would go and walked the rest of the way. We got to the farmhouse, knocked at the door, and a woman answered it. She said, “What can I do for you?” Becky said, “Your sign says ‘Kittens’”. The lady said, “There are a few left. I’ll take you to the barn so you can take a look.” Another woman inside the house said, “Who is it mom?” The lady said, “Some people looking at the kittens. You don’t need to worry about it, Laura.”

    She took us out to a section of the barn, where, in a horse stall, there were some kittens and a large mother cat, looking at us anxiously. I was standing around waiting for Becky to pick out a kitten, and the lady starting asking me some questions. She said, “Are you from around Winnipeg?” I told her we were in town only to perform at the Folklorama 2006, Winnipeg’s Folk Music Festival. We normally live in Milborough, Ontario. The lady got excited and said, “I have relatives in Milborough. My brother, John Patterson, is a dentist there.” I told her I was very familiar with John Patterson, and he was also my dentist (which was a little lie, since my dentist is actually Everett Callahan, as you know, but it’s the same practice, so I thought it should count.)

    Well your aunt Bev, as she introduced herself was quite excited. She ran to the farm house and got your cousin Laura and said, “These people are from Milborough and they know your uncle John and his family.” Becky said, “You must be the relatives April came to visit last summer. After she came back from there she talked about horses, horses, horses. In fact, she just wrote us and told us how much she was looking forward to coming back to visit next week.” Your aunt Bev said, “Well, we’re really looking forward to having her back. Laura is working as an assistant at the vet clinic and Laura promised her she could hang out at the vet clinic.” I said, “She’ll love that. Just recently April was telling us she thought she could deal with watching animal surgeries, because she saw baby pigs born. She said pigs weren’t messy, but they were actually clean and tidy.”

    Your aunt Bev and cousin Laura stared at me after I said that. Your aunt Bev said, “Are you sure you know April?” Becky said, “Of course he’s sure. What’s the problem?” Your cousin Laura said, “We haven’t had pigs here since before the business with mad cow disease.” I said, “Pigs can have mad cow?” Your cousin Laura said, “While there are no officially documented cases that pigs can get mad cow, it is possible they could.” Becky said, “What about cats?” Laura said, “It’s possible.” I said, “What about horses?” Laura said, “It’s possible.” Becky said, “I saw you had chickens. Can they get mad cow?” Laura said, It’s possible.”

    Your aunt Bev said, “Why are you so concerned?” I said, “We don’t want to buy a kitten that has mad cow disease. If you got rid of your pigs, then maybe there is something wrong with the cats.” Your aunt Bev said, “I don’t think I like what you are saying. You are confusing me. You said you knew April and you said she told you she saw a pig born, when we don’t have pigs.” Then your Aunt Bev and cousin Laura looked at each other and said together, “Steve!!” I said, “Steve?” Becky said, “That guy April was seeing when she was up here last year.” Your cousin Laura said, “They have pigs over at Steve’s farm. That’s how it happened.”

    I said, “I’m glad that’s settled. It looks like Becky has picked out a kitten. How much are they?” Your cousin Laura said, “Becky? You’re not Becky McGuire are you?” Becky said, “That’s me. April is my best friend.” Your aunt Bev said, “That’s not the way we heard it. It took us most of last summer to help her get over the cruel things you said to her.” Your cousin Laura said, “She wouldn’t even play her guitar and she is such a wonderful player.” I said, “But she did play her guitar again, so it’s not really a problem any more, eh?” Your aunt Bev said, “My brother told me she was so depressed, it took her almost all year to recover and start playing with her band again.” Becky said, “That’s not true. We played lots of gigs.”

    Your aunt Bev said, “Becky McGuire, those kittens are not for sale to you.” Your cousin Laura said, “I think you two should leave now.”

    So, we left. Becky was not happy. She said, “April better straighten those two out. If they have been talking to her parents, they probably think all kinds of horrible things about me.” I said, “Pet store?” Becky said, “I’m not in the mood for a cat any more.” I said, “Pre-performance massage?” Becky said, “Maybe.”

    As it turned out, Becky opted for the massage. She is performing now under the black and red flame lighting Jeremy Jones put together for the performance. What Becky doesn’t know is that I picked her up a little something to cheer her up after the performance. She might tell you about it and she might not. However, I am pretty sure she will want you to set the record straight about her to your aunt and your cousin.

    Howard K.

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no worriez, howard an' becky. i will str8en out laura an' aunt bev. i guess i shdn't be surprised my 'rents told their usual liez abt becks. lemme know if u want me 2 score u a kitty, becks.


  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Iggy Nutmeg said…


    Your cat problems are nothing compared to mine. How do you control your cat, when he has had 2 television series and a movie? My cat Heathcliff, has his integrity though. He still knows the streets and no mouse is safe around him. Spike the bulldog is so afraid of Heathcliff these days, he is seeing a dog psychologist.

    But Heathcliff got so much money from the 2 series, and he did not spare on the catnip. I think it may have affected him a little. He put on enough weight, so he was asked if he would work as a stunt double in the latest Garfield movie. Needless to say, he turned that one down. He always says, “I was here before Garfield. I hate living in his shadow, even though there is a lot of space there.” Sometimes we talk about the true pioneers of cats in the entertainment business. Heathcliff has a lot of respect for Krazy Kat.

    All I can tell you is that you should just hang back with your cat and enjoy the ride. Shiimsa will take you places you’ve never been before.

    Iggy Nutmeg

  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Our practice session was really hot. It was not scary, but we cooled down a lot after those snacks. Was there something in them? Gerald’s mom is a really nice lady, but maybe she wanted us to be quiet a little too much.


  • At 10:50 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg! apes, ur krazee mean fam can keep their kittens, ok? sheesh!

    i can't w8 4 howie's surprise!


  • At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Berniece said…

    I started reading yr page b/d my bff luann suggested it. Wow, it sounds like that mixup between yr relatives and Becky is just a result of a prank. I should know. Luann and I pulled a prank on Tiffany and before we knew it, a whole 1/4 of the school (well, only 2 pp, but we have a small school) got involved!

    I hope you clear everything up, because let me tell you, jokes are harder to undo than do.

    I know that sounds corny, but I've been hanging out at Lilliput's after school lately, and those cheeseball sayings get under yr skin.

    NEWZ, gtg! I have to convince Luann's dad that she is TOTALLY capable of staying by hrself @ 15 or 16 time is so hard to tell in our town!


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