April's Real Blog

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Tough Love Fr. Dee

Dee sez that the last time she went food shopping, she had Robin in that lil kid seat in the front of the cart and Merrie walking along. Robin stuck out his tung @ Merrie (which seemz a bit odd 4 sum1 who won't B 2 4 another 3 months, don't U think?), and suddenly, Merrie was all, "Mom, I wanna ride wif Robin!" Dee was like, "I asked if U wanted 2 share a cart, but U sed NO!" Merrie went, "I WANNA RIDE!" Dee sed, There'z no room 4 U now, Meredith." Merrie sat down, all "Then, I'm gonna sit here!" De was, like, "That's fine. I'll C U l8r." And she started 2 walk away. Merrie sat there 4 a sec, w/her armz crossed, but as soon as Dee had walked like a quarter of an aisle away, Merrie jumped up and screamed "MA-MAAAA!" Then she ran up 2 Dee, threw her arms around her, and started sobbing, and Dee thought, "Tough love... is tough on every1." Me, I'm kinda glad 2 C that Merrie callz Dee "Mama" sumtymez. She's been all "Mom" this and "Mom" that from almost birth, so I'm kinda glad 2 hear she'z got sum little girl left in her after all!

Liz, abt hobbiez, here'z what Mom has listed 4 U on yr profile @ the webpage: "Singing, chatting online with friends, watching reality TV, reading, playing on her computer - something other than grading papers! Coming up with ways to help people who have difficulty reading." HTH.



  • At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Jeremy, I meant to write the other day, but for some reason, I just kept sitting and staring into space instead!

    I think that when you had that weird dream about kissing and licking a cupcake that had Becky's face, Becky was taking advantage of you while you were sleeping, man! It's not your fault, but Becky needs to step away from my man!!!


  • At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, I just got an e-mail from Vicki asking me how and why it was that Becky and I switched beds recently in the tour bus. You see, normally I fall asleep snuggled up to Howard. Since he's my good pal and everything. And Becky likes to sleep sprawled out, with lots of space to herself, at least most of the time. So on that night, I had just curled up to Howard, who was already asleep, and I was nodding off, when I felt a cold, clammy hand on the back of my neck. The cold, clammy hand grabbed me by the neckline of my shirt and pulled me up off the bed!

    So suddenly, I was facing Becky, who was still holding my neckline. Her eyes were a bit red and puffy, like she'd been crying. I started to ask her what was wrong, but she cut me off by hissing, "My fiancé, slutty half-sister! He's mine, and I'm gonna sleep next to him tonight! You go sleep in my bed!" And she gave me a slight push toward her room. I was too tired to argue, so I just went to Becky's room, flopped onto the bed, and fell asleep.


  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Tough love? Tough love? Your sister does not know anything about tough love. When she finds out her son is gay and then decides to put him into the Milborough Training School for Boys to “straighten” him out, then she can talk about tough love.

    Sorry to get stirred up like that. The tour has returned back to Milborough. We don’t have the official figures just yet, but as near as I can tell; the sales figures on Becky’s newly released CD are high enough so that we can call the tour a definite success. Thorvald has promised bonuses to the tour crew depending on how well CD sales go. I think everyone in the crew is expecting a bonus. Becky did really well on the tour, considering all things that happened.

    Becky’s new cat, Loverboy has met Freyfaxi, Apollo and Zeus, Becky’s 3 dogs. The meeting went pretty well. Loverboy is such a loving kitty, he won over the 3 dogs almost immediately. Becky said, “The key is to have the owner do the introductions and not have the animals meet, after one of them was locked in a cage for hours and hours and then kept in a separate room, while the other animals smell him and are desperate to open a door into that room.” Becky said that way leads to disaster and broken furniture.

    It was so good to sleep in my own bed at night, instead of the tour bus. I was so tired; I was even able to sleep through Becky’s long conversation with Luis Guzmán. I think she congratulated him on getting a last name, but I could have imagined it.

    Howard K.

  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    eva, we're back & i wanna cu. tuff luv iz b-ing away frum u4 so long. lemme know wen we can get 2gethah. i hafta unload the tour bus equipment this mornin', but i have all afternoon open.

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    Your sister-in-law Deanna would leave her child alone in a grocery store? My mother would never do that. She knows if I get lost in a store, I start to panic and I start breathing really hard, and I feel very faint. If your sister-in-law was my mother, she would come back to where she left me, and she would find me passed out on the floor. I am really glad your sister-in-law is not my mother.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:41 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings this morning and I can tell you as a policeman, it is not good to leave your child unattended in a place where there are a lot of strangers. The child is defenceless and can be abducted in a matter of seconds. The Ontario Provincial Police do not recommend this method of child discipline, unless the parent and child are in a place where the child can be easily protected. Perhaps you can pass that on to your niinim (sister-in-law).

    I woke up this morning and your sister was already awake and she had been knitting. My ngashi (mother) said my sweet girl was awake before she was. My ngashi (mother) is usually the first one up. She got your sister to help cooking the baloney and bannock, to give her something to do. My ngashi (mother) confided she was trying not to be upset the sweater she was knitting had been transformed by my sweet girl into an outfit for a cat. However, I think my ngashi (mother) was impressed your sister had knitting skills. At breakfast I said the baloney and bannock was the best ever and I think your sister enjoyed the compliment, even though my ngashi (mother) briefly lost her balance after I said that. I think it was because her eyes rolled too hard to the back of her head. That has happened a lot this weekend. I hope my ngashi (mother) is not getting sick.

    Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, stopped in for a short time this morning to give my mishomis (grandfather) a jar of blackberry preserves she had made for him. She left, even though my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) asked her to stay for breakfast. My mishomis (grandfather) said, “Susan is a very good cook. Whoever marries her will be a lucky man.” I said, “I agree completely. Chipper is a great girl. It was thanks to Elizabeth, I met her again after she graduated from university. She’s taking over Elizabeth’s old job in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).” My noos (father) said, “Elizabeth. Why did you leave Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)? I don’t think I have heard this story, except from Paul. I would love to hear your side of it.” Then my sweet girl told how she missed celebrating birthdays with her family, and how her nindoozhim (nephew) had earaches, and how she wanted to spend more time with her mishomis (grandfather) before he died, and how she wanted to spend more time with you before you went to university and how she knew when she got the job in Mississauga, she was so happy to score a real job down south she cried. I think she was doing pretty well with the explanations until she mentioned the job in Mississauga.” My ngashi (mother) said, “Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was not a real job? You cried tears for a summer school job in Mississauga? My Paul is trying to get a transfer to Toronto to be with you and you don’t have a job after this month?” Then your sister straightened the whole thing out. She said, “I will have a job in September and a good one, too.” My noos (father) said, “You have a lead on a job?” Then your sister said, “No. But I am a Patterson. There will be a job and great one.” My ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) were very silent. I could tell my sweet girl had answered all their questions and silenced all their doubts. She is wonderful.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. It must be a slow news day for your blog, if you are writing about my lovely Dee taking my children grocery-shopping. I guess it is a writing challenge to try to make ordinary things interesting with words. As a great writer, I face that challenge often. My little observations on life would seem like dull things to most people, but when I add the dynamics of vivid descriptions, touching on the sights, the sounds, the textures, and the smells of the situation, it brings the whole thing to a new life. I thought you were getting ready to go to Winnipeg, so I expected something a little more interesting than my son sticking out his tongue at his sister. I don’t know why you are amazed my son is so gifted with his tongue. After all, we Pattersons are genetically blessed when it comes to tongue movement, as you well know.

    I laughed when you wrote Lizardbreath’s talents included singing and watching reality TV. Anyone who has heard the singing breath of the lizard coming from the shower would disagree with that one. Reality TV? She sounds a lot like my father-in-law. He loves those kind of shows and forces me to watch them with him, whenever he comes over. They are awful. Give me a show with a well-written script every time. In my opinion, no writer, no quality.

    I don’t mean to be too critical of my little sis’ writing, but I think you can do better than a day with my children at the grocery store.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, i called dee and told her what u sed abt how u shdn't leave a child unattended like that cuz of poss abductions. she totally burst in2 tearz an' sed, "april, that went against every shred of mothering instincts i have! i only did it cuz yr mother insisted that was the proper way 2 handle such situationz! she sed she used 2 do it all the time when michael & elizabeth were little, and, i quote, 'look how well they turned out!' i didn't want 2 use this technique, but she made me promise, april! she made me promise!!" then she let out a deep groan and hung up!

    shannon, i agree w/u, it's not a good thing 2 do!

    howard, i'm so glad the tour went well. i m sure the cd will make lotsa $$$. becks is rite abt how NOT 2 introduce dogz 2 a new kitty. what she describes as what NOT 2 do is what my fam did last summer when liz brought shiimsa home 2 stay w/us on the day of grad.


  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, mike, it makes u sound like a really, really bad father 2 b saying that yr wife, the mother of yr children, taking thoze children 2 the grocery story, and having sum drama there, is not a worthy subject 4 a blog entry.

    stay tuned 4 more abt me going 2 winni in 2morrow'z entry. u shd know by now that my sunday entriez are always all non-sequitur-ish.

    i didn't say thoze thingz were "talents" of liz. i sed mom had them listed as "hobbiez". u really need 2 read more closely. my english teacher this past yr alwayz sed "strong writing starts w/strong reading".


  • At 2:44 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg apes, i think ur way 2 uptite. like merrie wuzn't even out of dee's site! geez. u can't just give in2 a brat. what do u want her 2 do just stand there an' try to convince merrie 2 come with her? that is giving her the attention she wants. blieve me, i know. i have been a spoiled brat all my life. :P

    luis wuz happy 2 c me. he wuz like "o chica, i have been so corneo without you! let us haga el amor like two monos rabioso!" i had 2 remind him abt the pinky swear. i had been hoping 2 come back frum the tour w/ a great bf but since i didn't, i thot abt making out w/ luis. but then i remembered my vow of celibacy an' i wuz glad cuz it gave me a excuse 2 blow luis off. now i m a star, he is not really in my league. i think he wuz hurt.

    neway, i wuz hanging out in the backyard w/ the pets when pierce inverarity stopped by. he wuz all like "baby, i hear u dumped that loozah drew fontaine." an' i wuz like "yeah, so?" an' he sed "now u can b w/ me, just like u were alwayz meant 2 b." an' i wuz like "sorry pierce, vow of celibacy." he got so mad! he stormed out of the backyard yelling "u'll b sorry becky mcguire!" he punched three holes in the fence.

    then drew fontaine stopped by when i wuz in the hot tub. he sed 2 me, "wow becky, ur famous." an' i wuz like "yeah." he wuz looking at me in the hot tub an' he sed "that's a great hot tub u have, i remember back when i got 2 use it" an' i wuz like "yeah." an' drew sed "i miss u." an' i wuz like "whatevs." an' he sed "no really, i miss u. i had gr8 times w/ u. the gf i had after u, she wuz not half as cube as u." an' i sed "well that's sad." an' drew sed "i want u back becky, i'll do whatevah it takes." an' i sed "sorry, vow of celibacy." drew looked v. sad as he left.

    since then my fone has been ringing off the hook w/ mboro boys who wanna get w/ me. but i think i need a older bf next time. like a boy in college. remember when michelle montague wuz dating that boy who was like a college senior when she wuz just a hi school sophomore? that wuz so cube.

    well gotta go.


  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I said I like reading but I do not like reading all kinds of books. Paul's mom and dad have an encyclopedia and some books on history and some other stuff that looked boring. I like romance novels and sometimes a mystery if it's not too gross but that's about it. They must be very serious people, they don't have any fun books like that.

    Paul's mom was the first person to wake up this morning, and I was glad to finally have some company. I showed her how I was helping her on her sweater even though I knew nothing about knitting. Paul's mom pursed her lips really hard and looked like she was going to crye from pride in me and then she said, "Elizabeth, you have done such a good job on that sweater, it is a crime for me to take it from you. Now it is an outfit for your cat, enjoy." I was happy because I had tried really hard but I didn't think I was doing that great a job, wow, I guess I am just a natural at knitting.

    I talked to Shiimsa last night and I told her I needed to stay here a little longer than I thought, but she didn't care, her friend Faustus came over. I need more time because I do not feel that I am yet accepted by Paul's family, even after all the native humor yesterday. This is not going like I hoped at all. Susan came over this morning to bring a gift to Paul's mishomis, and I almost cried, she is always butting in! Also they all like her, but I don't know if they accept me yet, they say anyone who marries Susan will be lucky but they haven't said that about me.

    Well first thing after Susan finally left was that they started asking me about why I wanted to move south and how come I stopped liking Mtigwaki and I could tell by the wrinkles on their forehead that they were not happy, they are the same wrinkles Mom gets when you are folding the towels wrong or loading the dishwasher wrong or when she is cleaning up doggy doo. Anyway they seemed to be upset that I was so happy to move back south, I don't know why it's any of their business, but that's how it seemed.

    Then they got all upset because I don't have a permanent job yet and school starts in less than a month, and Paul is trying to transfer south and what if he does and I don't have a job, am I going to want to do like a White Goose and fly away somewhere else, like maybe I will get a "hankering" (whatever that is) to move to Manitoba to be with my relatives? I said "No silly, small towns are not for me, once you have lived someplace as wonderful as Milborough, you never want to live anywhere else." Paul's mom said "Paul says your sister likes it in Manitoba just fine, maybe you will want to join her!" and I had to tell her how April is just in her Martian phase and like me she will grow out of thinking she belongs anyplace else. Paul's parents and mishomis all looked at each other with those wrinkled-y forehead looks, I don't know why.

    Then they were all asking these mean questions about why I am not worried because I don't have a job yet, I tried to explain how a Patterson never has to worry, and that if I am unemployed a little while all it will mean is that I will get an even better job later, like what happened to Mike when Portrait Magazine came begging him to be senior editor, but probably I will have a job in Milborough or really close to it very soon. And Paul's mishomis said "They charge heap big rent down in the Big Smoke, how will you pay it?" Paul's mom kind of giggled when he said "heap big" like it was some kind of in-joke. I told them not to worry that I could just live with Mom and Dad, it's no problem. Then Paul's noos said "Sounds like the White Goose still has not flown the nest" and I told him some of Mom's wisdom about how a child will always need to keep her parents close at hand for their loving guidance and also don't forget the Bank of Mom. I told them not to worry, if worse comes to worst I can live at home and Mom and Dad will pay my car payment and it will all be okay. But they got all crabby and said something kind of snotty like "That is your emergency plan? You do not have savings?"

    I decided then was the time to stop talking. I didn't like how much they kept trying to make me talk anyway, it's none of their business. Then Paul's mom brought out some coffee cake and I totally forgot about being upset until I started to write this note to you.


  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i m not sure y u're saying i'm uptite. all i did was tell dee what paul sed, an' then dee got all upset w/herself. so if sum1's uptite, i guess it's dee. also, i don't know how u know that merrie was nev outta dee's site, since dee didn't say nething 2 me abt that?


    it must b cube 2 have so many guyz chasing after u like that! yeah, i remember abt michelle montague. she was d8ing cameron capulet, who was a biomed major @ the u of western ontario in london!

    liz, sorry u r not having fun talking w/paul's fam. hope it gets better!


  • At 5:31 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    i know cuz u sed she didn't even walk a quarter of a aisle away b4 merrie started screaming, like how do u get that far away w/o still b-ing able 2 c each other??? apes, have u evah been in a grocery store? like i wuz in them a lot w/ howie 2 buy stuff 4 the tour bus an' there's like no way u can't c sum1 if ur only 1/4 of an aisle away. duh.

    sorry i think i m just a little cranky cuz dad is all like up in my face abt getting back 2 work at the valhalla an' i totally don't want 2, i think i'm 2 big a star 4 that now. dad agrees w/ me but he sez he duzn't know how 2 run the valhalla an' manage my career if it's separate. dad is all like "i'll think of a solution" but rilly i don't know what the solution could b xxcept me getting a separate manager, but that's tricky cuz i can't really afford 1 yet.

    hold on, just got a txt frum dad, he sez "becky-thora, come to the valhalla immediately. i have found a solution to our problems." i'll get back 2 u l8r.

    sorry i wuz cranky.


  • At 5:40 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Becky and April,

    It is not "cube" when a college boy dates a high school girl, it should be illegal if it isn't already. I can tell you from experience that college boys are after only one thing, and it's not an education, unless you mean the kind of education you get the last four weeks of Health class when they separate the boys and the girls and tell them all about the facts of life (which have nothing to do with the tv show). College boys will get you to move in with them and do everything they want and even if you have your own room, they will sully your good reputation and they are supposed to be "the one" but they won't act like it and the next thing you know, they are cheating on you with a curly-haired girl who isn't even half as pretty as you, even if you do have Big Butt Days sometimes, and you find out that what you thought was sacred and special and a way to convince the boy to marry you was really just some tawdry fling they were having with you and the reason he didn't want to use "protection" wasn't because you were "the one" but because he didn't care if you got gonorrhea or not, but of course you dont' find out about that little "parting gift" until after he is already off flashing his dimples at other coeds and/or temp workers, and you think you might bond with the curly-haired girl over a bottle of penicillin but let's face it the girlfriend and the other woman are never really going to get along even after the guy is out of the picture, it's just too painful.

    Just for instance.

    Things have calmed down here a little bit and were going okay but then Susan came over, and I needed a break so I am writing this. I really don't want to talk about it though so maybe Paul will tell you what's up.


  • At 5:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no prob, becks. abt dee not losing site of merrie, i just didn't know if, like, dee was facing in the other direction, not looking @ merrie, and whether mayB other ppl cda gotten in betw, that kinda thing. i know a 1/4 aisle is close, but sumtymez an aisle can get a bit crowded and it wd b e-z 2 lose site of a lil girl on the flr.

    a solution, eh? hope it's not the kinda solution that causes more probs than it solves!


  • At 5:46 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    oh my god!!!

    i got 2 the valhalla an' guess what? it's on fire!!! an' dad an' orque r just standing around chewing on rotten shark jerky an' watching it go up in flames!! i m like "dad, did u call 911?!" an' he's all like "wait, becky-thora, until the fire spreads just a little more." i wuz like "dad, wtf? this is ur whole life savings in this business!" an' dad says "uh-huh. so your fafa wuz very smart and heavily insured his investment. what a lucky coincidence. now ur fafa's new business can b 1 that helps 2 promote his daughter's career better, now that she is 2 big a star 4 the valhalla. i m thinking a recording studio would b nice. what do u think?"

    i wuz like "dad! arson is illegal! they will catch u an' u won't get ne insurance money at all!"

    an' dad wuz like "ur fafa is a clever man. my insurance covers arson, if i m not the arsonist. all will b well, u will c."

    well i didn't get 2 tell him what i thot abt that cuz i wuz already calling 911. they r here now putting out the fire, but i think dad waited long enuff, the roof just caved in.

    wtf? my folks r krazee! sumtimez i wish i wuz a patterson. jelly is annoying but at least the worst thing that happens there is the central vac canister gets left open.


  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    they were just starting 2 get the fire put out when sumthing xxploded inside the valhalla. the firemen were all like "sir did u keep xxplosives in there?" an' dad wuz all like "i xxpect that is the 100 casks of brennevin. it is highly flammable."

    mayb u should all come down an' watch the fireworks.


  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, liz, r u saying eric gave u an std? or were u being all hypothetical?

    becks, i had a v. weird feeling sumthing like that cd happen. is every1 safe? no burnz or smoke inhalation? is officer brad luggsworth on the scene, as per usual?


  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, i posted b4 i saw yr last message! b careful!!!


  • At 10:18 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    That post about college boys was strictly hypothetical, you should know that. I had my own bedroom when I lived with Eric, there is no proof that we ever had a sexual relationship.

    I should be asleep already, I have to drive all day tomorrow, Paul can tell you the rest of what happened today when he tears himself away from "Chipper" long enough to do it.


  • At 10:28 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yo, don't worry. the firemen finally got the fire out an' sent their investigator in. i guess they found the security camera tape frum the exterior camera dad had mounted on a pole outside and pointing at the back door. i never knew dad even had a security system. well we got 2 go 2 the fire station w/ the arson investigators and watch it. sure enuff there wuz sum dude in the colors of the "rock machine" biker gang on the tape coming out the back door an' then throwing a lit match in the door bhind him an' all these flames came shooting out.

    the arson investigator sez the valhalla smells worse then ne fire scene he's ever gone 2 b4, he sez that has led him 2 conclude in his initial findings that the accelerant used wuz brennevin. i m not surprised. that stuff is nasty.

    well the insurance adjuster wuz there 2. u know those allstate commercials where they say they have gr8 customer service an' will come rite 2 u after a disaster? i guess dad saw them 2, that's y he bot his policy frum them. an' they ren't lying, they really do come rite away. he sed that dad will have 2 w8 4 the final fire an' police reports but if a rival gang really did set fire 2 dad's bar, they r gonna pay up, since dad is a well known rehabilitated ex-felon who is on the str8 an' narrow.

    on r drive home, dad just kinda laffed an' sed "my becky-thora, i think u underestimated ur old man." an' i sed "fafa, i don't know how u pulled it off." an' dad sed "fafa knows best." omg, that sounds like the name of a deranged sitcom, duzn't it?

    well dad an' i r alreddy trying 2 figure out what 2 do w/ the insurance money. we r thinking a state of the art recording studio so I could record there an' also attract all the other gr8 canadian artists like celine dion an' bryan adams an' avril lavigne an' alanis morrissette. dad wuz like "and also that cute bobby curtola" but i m not sure he's even still alive.

    o well, i'm beat, time 4 bed.


  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous bobby curtola said…

    Ms. Rebeccah McGuire,

    Please tell your manager father Thorvald McGuire to stop calling me. I already have a recording contract and I am not interested in "Viking man love."

    Canada's Greatest Rock and Roller,
    Bobby Curtola

  • At 3:06 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister has finally gone to sleep. She got very upset today. My friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, came over for dinner. My ngashi (mother) invited her because she said Elizabeth would feel more comfortable with someone about her same age and in her same profession around. I wanted my sweet girl to spend more time with my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) by herself, but I saw how many times my sweet girl was leaving the room to write to you or call Shiimsa on the phone, and I thought maybe having Chipper over would make things easier. It did not work out exactly as I thought it would. My ngashi (mother) would say, “I need some help making the fry bread. Does anyone here have experience making fry bread? Elizabeth. You lived for 2 years in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). You should know all about it.” Then my sweet girl would say she learned about baking pies, but not about fry bread. Then my ngashi (mother) would say, “Susan. Come and help me. I know you know all about a good fry bread. There’s nothing an Ojibway boy likes better than a woman who knows her way around the fry bread.”

    Then my noos (father) said, “It’s good to have two women in the house who know the value of a good education. You must have big plans for the fall. Why don’t you tell me your plans, Elizabeth?” Then my sweet girl said, “First, I have to find a job. I would like it to be closer to Paul, of course, but not too far away from my family.” My noos (father) said, “But Paul plans to move to Toronto. What do you mean closer to Paul? Wouldn’t you be living together?” My sweet girl said, “Not before marriage. We would live separately. I honestly believe that Paul and I met for a reason, and if we were meant to be together, then he will get that transfer. I put lot of trust in faith. His move will prove that I should possibly consider marrying Paul. When I say closer to Paul, I mean closer to his place in Toronto. I was thinking about living in Markham. It’s between Toronto and Milborough, where my parents live.” My noos (father) said, “But Markham is even further away from White River.” My sweet girl said, “But it is closer to my family, without actually being in Milborough.” My noos (father) said, “Paul plans to move to Toronto to follow you and you are not thinking of marriage?” Your sister laughed and said, “My younger sister, April, is thinking of us being married, but she’s too young to know better.”

    My noos (father) said, “Susan. Tell me your plans for your new teaching position in the fall.” Chipper said, “Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is probably the best First Nations town in Ontario. There’s no crime, no poverty and no cars up on blocks. The community completely supports the education system, as Elizabeth can tell you. I could see living up there forever, but not in the teacherage. If I found the right man, I think we could move into a house together and become a part of that community.” Your sister said, “But not before marriage, eh?” Chipper said, “I would love to have a traditional Ojibway marriage. But first you have to find a good man.” My ngashi (mother) said, “A good man can be hard to find. Would he have to live in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for you to consider him?” Chipper said, “No. There are not too many jobs in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) or single men. Most people work in Spruce Narrows.” My ngashi said, “Would he have to live in Spruce Narrows, then?” Chipper said, “For the right man, I think he could even live as far away as Toronto, and I would consider him.” My ngashi said, “It is good to keep your options open.”

    Then my ngashi (mother) served coffee cake, while my sweet girl was writing you. When she came back, she got very upset. She said if I loved her I wouldn’t eat any coffee cake, so I didn’t, even though my ngashi (mother’s) coffee cake is my favourite. My ngashi (mother) was upset my sweet girl didn’t want me to eat her cake. Then Chipper saved the day. She started telling embarrassing stories about me on the powwow trail. Everyone was laughing, except for my sweet girl. She said, “I don’t know any embarrassing stories about you, Paul.” I said, “I think there are few embarrassing stories with me and Shiimsa.” Your sister got excited said, “Shiimsa. I need to call him for stories.” After a phone conversation with Shiimsa, your sister said, “I have some embarrassing stories about Paul too.” Then my sweet girl told the story about how Shiimsa clawed me when she fell asleep on my face. And the time when Shiimsa clawed my private areas and I had to go to Vivian Crane for stitches. And the time when Shiimsa ran away because she didn’t like the fresh fish I got her. I was laughing and laughing. I don’t think my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) and Susan got the joke. They had these horrified looks on their face. My ngashi (mother) said, “I thought you got those scars from your police duty.” My sweet girl was upset they didn’t laugh at her stories. It took awhile to calm her down so she could sleep. I tried to explain to her it takes some practice to get good at native humour and Chipper, because she is a native, has been practicing it all her life. I told your sister she should not expect to be as good at native jokes as Chipper. Elizabeth said, “But I’m a Patterson. We’re good at anything we try.” I told my sweet girl she was excellent, many times to make her feel better.

    Tomorrow, she drives back to Mississauga. I know deep in my heart, my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) adore my sweet girl. It takes courage to meet your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. After all, I had to answer questions from your ningitiziim (parents) and I don’t know if they liked everything I said. I felt like I was being compared to my sweet girl’s old boyfriends and not necessarily well. You were the only one in your family who asked me a question about where I saw my relationship with your sister long term. Miigwetch (thank you) for doing that.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright


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