April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dad Lies to Himself!

Dad called me up last nite, interrupting one of my impromptu guitar concerts that had ppl showing up fr. the nabe 2 listen. He sed, "April, for some reason, every1 in Mboro seemz 2 know abt yr mother and me taking our little walk 2 look @ George Stibbs' house. Do U have NE idea how that mite B?" And I was all, "U know Mboro. News travels." "Well, April, let me tell U what we talked abt on our way home." And I was like, "Well, if U must." He laffed and called me a surly teenager, and then sed, "I told yr mother that George Stibbs's place wd B perfect 4 us. That it has 2 bedroomz and that when U move out, April, one cd B a spare! I told her that the kitchen's been remodelled and the foundation is good, and that the house is well insulated. Yr mother interrupted me, saying, 'So... U've looked in2 buying it, then.' I noted that I'd made a polite enquiry." I pointed out 2 Dad that if I were Mom, I'd B miffed abt him going around enquiring abt buying houses B4 even talking w/her abt it. Dad kinda ignored that, all, "Well, your mother responded that she's not ready 2 move yet. She likes our house. She likes having space 4 our kidz and our grandchilden. And I thought, without saying, 'And I'd like a space just 4 us.'" I sed, "Dad, I think U R lying 2 yrself." He asked me what I mean. I was all, "U don't want a space 'just 4 us" unless yr "us" is U and yr choo-choo modelz out on that big yard." He kinda snorted and sed, "Well, that's not what I'm gonna say 2 yr mother." Then Mom wanted 2 use the phone 2 call Mike and discuss the trialz an' tribz of Sheilagh in Mike's novel-iin-progress, so Dad had 2 go, and I went back 2 my guitar playing. Then Grandpa Will made sum "fert" jokes about horses. The usual.


P.S. Blogger will have a scheduled outage around 4 PM PDT/7 PM EDT.


  • At 9:29 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    that izn't qwite how that convo went down! it wuz like this:

    jelly: but joooooohn! i couldn't get even half my clear stackable storage containers in there!! now, let's go. i'm hungry! i think you'll have to make two pans of streudel, now i'm famished!

    john: but elly, george stibbs's place would be perfect for us! it has two bedrooms! i guess april will have to have one, but then when she leaves, we'd have a spare room for whatever stuff you want! maybe you will take up a hobby! maybe you'll get interested in trains!

    jelly: john, you know all i care about is room for my stackable storage containers, and also for guests. i don't need a hobby. i have my cleaning, and also the grandchildren, i suppose. what i care about is the kitchen. i bet there's only a dinky old kitchen in there, with barely enough room to make a blackened butt casserole, let alone a pan of streudel! now, let's go!

    john: no, the kitchen's been remodeled! also, it has a good foundation and it's well-insulated! so it's perfect! because, you know, it's not falling apart!

    jelly: john, you've been making plans to buy this house behind my back, haven't you?!? this is just like you, john! don't you ever think about my feelings? why don't we ever get to do things my way?!?

    john: all i did was make a polite inquiry. you don't have to fly off the handle!

    jelly: you won't get me out of our house even if you try to blast me out! i like having space for mike and liz and the grandkids! oh, and i guess that martian girl too. i wish she'd move out already, so i could start missing her. let's go! i'm hungry! i'm about to faint!

    john: well dammit, all i care about having space for is my trains! when do our kids and grandkids stay overnight with us anymore? even liz has finally accepted that she'll have to pay rent to live someplace! and mike is always in a hurry to get back to his attic! april's going to move out sooner than you think! so what do we need bedrooms for? what we need is a big workshop and a huge yard! for trains!

    jelly: what do you mean, april will be gone before i know it? have you heard something? oh john, don't tease!

    john: don't you think it's fishy that april actually wanted to go back to the farm?

    jelly: (all excited) oh john, do you think she'll want to stay there?!?

    john: well, it would be convenient, wouldn't it?

    jelly: it would be perfect! oh, john, now i'm so excited! i know! i almost feel like going home and having mad passionate sex!

    john: you do?!

    jelly: hmm...i thought so, but i think the urge has passed. i really just want streudel. come on.

    just so u know, apes!

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I just read the latest Becky McGuire imaginary story involving our parents. I am so glad you did not feature it as your Blog entry for today, since it is so obviously things that Becky just made up. Mom interested in sex. Dad saying “Inquiry” instead of “Enquiry.” It’s practically slander. When I spoke to mom about what happened during the evening she and dad went to look at dad’s dream retirement home, she didn’t talk about sex at all. She did talk about how dad was crazy to expect she would be overjoyed about the idea of living in a house with 3 lots all filled with model trains with no room for anything of hers. And she also mentioned that she got confused about which end of Dixie was which when she was walking home, because she apparently leashed Dixie’s tail instead of her collar. I told her that mistake was perfectly understandable, considering Dixie’s propensity for changing shape. Sometimes I look at Dixie and all I see is an oblong white shape with ears.

    I and mom would like to hear more details about Manitoba. I would ask for more details from Aunt Bev or cousin Laura, but the last time I did, Aunt Bev starting talking about a restraining order, which I thought was a little overboard for a polite enquiry.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    It doesn’t sound like your mom wants you to move out of your house. She is just like my mom. I am working for my Toward Independent Living (TIL) certificate, so I can live on my own, but mom doesn’t really want me to live on my own. She’s afraid I will not be able to handle it. It sounds like your mom is the same way and she wants your niece and nephew to move into her house too. You should tell your mom to let everyone grow up and be independent. That’s what I tell my mom, but she doesn’t want to hear it.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your noos (father) trying to convince your ngashi (mother) to move to a new house with 2 bedrooms. Your sister was very happy to learn her ngashi (mother) turned down this idea. She said August is almost over and she does not have a full-time job for September yet. I think she is counting on living with your ningitiziim (parents) if she does not get the job, which she can’t do, if your ningitiziim (parents) are living in a 2-bedroom house. Most of our usual 2-hour phone call was about this, but your sister did tell me a lot about her friend Anthony in hospital and how she visits him every day. Her friend Anthony is very lucky to have the attention of my sweet girl. I hope he gets well very soon.

    My friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper), is busy working with Gary Crane and the parents of the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) children to develop their Ojibway language immersion program for this year and to do, what Chipper says they call it, “the recovery program.” Chipper says the people in Mtigwaki consider their children to be about 2 years behind the rest of Ontario. She says I should come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to see her plans, or as she puts it, “If you come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I will make sure you are immersed in an Ojibway”.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Yesterday, Marjee Mahaha and I went out for a few drinks after we finished work. We heard this terrible sobbing, and being the concerned individuals were are, we wanted the sobbing to stop. It's one thing to cry in your beer, but it's another thing to make actual noise while you do it.

    The source of the sobbing ending up being an older man. Marjee asked him what his problem was and whether or not we could help. The man said, "My life is a wreck. I've been harassed for almost a year to sell my house. I lost my wife. I want to move away from this awful town and be near my boys, and then he, the neighbour that has been harassing me to sell, comes up to me yesterday and says, 'Sorry. I can't buy your house, yet. My wife won't let me. Can you hold it for me until I convince her to let me?' Of course I say, 'You've been harassing me for 11 months and you didn't talk to your wife about the house? You moron! How long is it going to take to convince her?' And the guy who was harassing me said, 'Anywhere from a month to about a year. My guess is a year.' I was beside myself. But this man. He has power. He has terrible power from the people he knows. People who want him to move into my house. So, what can I do? My life is over. My beloved Georgette is dead. And I can only have my sons over one at a time, because my house is a 2-bedroom. Should I commit suicide and end it all?" Marjee looked confused. I said, "If you are talking about whom I think you are talking about, then suicide is not possible. But if you wanted revenge, I would try landscaping your yard to make it as difficult as possible for someone to put model train displays there." The man looked at me dumbstruck. Then he said, "You're right. I could put in rock. Heavy rock. I could dig ditches and put in hills and valleys. My lot is big enough. That would be perfect. Yes. I have a new purpose in life. I wonder if there is a place in town that sells boulders." Then he got up and left. Marjee said, "I'm glad he's gone. Let's get down to some serious drinking. Howard, sometimes you amaze me." I said, "It's all a matter of knowing the right thing to say to people."

    Howard K.

  • At 10:44 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, glad ur makin' musick up n manitoba. eva & i r makin' musick here n mboro. actually, we r playin' tennis, which iz eva'z favrite sport. 'course she sez she just wanted 2c me n tennis shorts. my legs don't look 2 bad. they got a lotta exercise frum lifting rebeccah'z equipment during the tour. eva iz gr8. i am so glad duncan iz outa town @hiz fam'z lake cottage.

    every1 else iz not happ 'bout that tho. we went by the mboro library & saw zandra larson there. i asked her how she wuz doin' & she sed, "my bf iz outa town 4 a whole month. do i luk happy?" i sed, "no". but 'course i can't tell wen zandra duz luk happy.

    neway, off 4 more tennis. eva looks v.v. fine n a tennis skirt. wen she iz all hot & sweaty, it makes her skin luk like a light brown nstead of her usual purplish-gray. she luks so fine.

  • At 4:55 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg jer, no1 wants 2 hear ur pervy talk abt eva! an' she izn't so gr8. i think she's a freak! have u 4gotten all that weird cowboy psychosis frum a few months ago? well, i haven't! i ran in2 eva in the drugstore the other day an' she started talking abt like how midol is 2 women what redeye whiskey is 2 cowboys. "it soothes the gnawing ache inside" she sed. wtf?! then she asked me if i wuz "packing heat" an' i wuz like "no! geez! y would u ask that?!?" an' she wuz all like "cuz i need 2 call my mom an' i wuz hoping 2 borrow ur fone."

    mike, of course ur mom is not going 2 admit 2 mentioning sex. what u clearly don't get is that she wuz just taunting ur dad w/ talk abt sex 2 torture him 2 get back at him 4 making choo-choo house plans w/o her. duh.


  • At 6:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    rebeccah, “pervy talk abt eva!” i am still recoverin’ frum readin’ how u & gerald’z bro got naked w/each othah, while gerald wuz watchin’. ‘sides lissenin’ 2 eva’z cowboy talk iz kinda like spendin’ tyme w/sum1 frum a diff country. like if she wuz frum australia, she wud b sayin’ “g’day” all the tyme or askin’ if i wunted shrimp on the “barbee.” u get used 2 it aftah awhile.

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, y do my 'rents h8 me?!?!?!

    mike, i'll write more abt manitoba when i'm ready. don't rush me. and don't pretend mom carez.


  • At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Of course mom cares. Remember how mom nagged you for details about Liz when she was living in wherever that place was she was living for the last 2 years? It’s the same way with Aunt Bev and Uncle Danny. Ever since mom and dad took the trip to Manitoba back in 2004, you know the one they don’t talk about, except when dad talks about putting up 1500 bales in one day or two days, or two hours or whatever ridiculously short time he decides to use when he tells that story? Ever since that trip, mom and Aunt Bev have stopped talking to each other. She doesn’t even mention her in a monthly letter. Mom spent her whole time on her Manitoba vacation trying to micromanage Lilliput’s with her laptop and I think that irritated Aunt Bev who believed she should be helping with chores around the farm. But whenever anyone else talks to someone in Manitoba, mom wants to know what is going on. So, don’t believe that mom isn’t interested.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, i get it, mom's interested in manitoba gossip, it's not like she's taking an interest in me.


  • At 8:25 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I think I see from whence your confusion may be arising. You live with mom in Milborough and so she knows everything you do. You may not think she knows everything you do, but it is Milborough where you live, so you would be sadly mistaken if you thought otherwise.

    However, once you move away, mom still wants to know everything you do. She just doesn’t want to visit you or e-mail you or telephone you to find out. She prefers it if you call or visit or telephone her. In the case of our poor, misguided sister with the breath of a lizard, she made the mistake, when she moved away, of not ever calling or telephoning mom and instead spoke to you exclusively. I used to think it was some kind of revenge she was practicing on mom, but as I have grown older I have come to realize that our dear sister is very bad at communicating with everyone.

    As a consequence, when mom had the slightest excuse to drive Liz back to wherever it was that Liz was living for the last 2 years, mom jumped at the chance to find out what Liz was doing. There are those who would consider this as mom taking an interest in Liz, and there are those who would consider this as a terrible mistake on Liz’s part. What I have come to learn is that the best policy is to invite mom into the parts of your life you want her in (like baby-sitting a sick child, or helping you out with the outline of a soon-to-be best-selling book), so she feels like she knows what is happening; and leave mom far away from the part of your life you don’t want her in (like parenting issues, house-cleaning issues, or most especially any and all money issues). This way you get the best of mom and stay away from the worst of mom.

    So, if Aunt Bev’s information to me was correct and you are seeing a boy named Steve in Manitoba, then this is information you do not want to share with mom. However, if Aunt Bev’s information to me was correct about how you are enjoying spending time with our super hot, I mean super dependable cousin Laura at the veterinary clinic, then this is information to share. Comprende? Also, I am sure mom would enjoy any and all embarrassing stories about Aunt Bev.

    I hope this clears up the matter for you.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Laura Cruikshank said…

    Michael, what a creepy Patterson you are! Please, just stop!

    April seems to be enjoying her time at the veterinary clinic. She's already a great helper! Steve has a girlfriend now, Shirley Hemple. And he knows April has a boyfriend. April and Steve are just buds this summer.



  • At 9:07 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm sorry I haven't written hardly at all since I got back from up north, I have been busy. I'm sure you can guess why, yes, it's those slavedrivers at school! They just told me the other day I am expected to have parent-teacher conferences on top of all the other stuff I'm doing around here! I asked them if someone else could please do it, I am already too busy from six hours of teaching every day and then one hour of grading papers, but the principal said no, which I expected, he is not sympathetic to me at all. I told him about how I have a very hard time because on top of the rigorous work load I have to go visit my boyfriend who lives seventeen hours away and also I have to go visit Anthony in the hospital every day. At first the principal acted like he might understand the second part he said "Oh, I didn't know you had a relative in the hospital!" and then I had to admit "Well he's not really my relative, he is the man who wants me to wait for him." The principal said "Wait for what?" and I said "For him to get a divorce" and the principal got all frowny and said he couldn't help me out. That is so typical of this school, no one is ever willing to lend a helping hand or look the other way when you want to have an "alternative education" opportunity at home a day or two a week.

    Anyway Anthony is doing pretty well. He was complaining the other day because I guess after the last nurse's strike they bargained not to have to give sponge baths to members of the opposite sex anymore because the women nurses were tired of patients always getting the wrong idea about them, and they only have one male nurse on staff, and his name is Raoul and Anthony says he doesn't want to ever be naked with a Frenchy ever again. So he asked me to do it, and I agreed, I mean after all, we are old friends and he was really starting to smell bad. But since we aren't married it created a tricky problem because I can't see him naked. So I put on a blindfold and Anthony guided my hand with the washcloth, it worked great. Anthony really liked it, he kept saying, "Oh yeah, this part right here is real dirty, rub it hard...harder...harder...faster...faster...yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!! Aaah...oh yeah...that's clean baby...thanks." I was really glad to be able to help Anthony out, he doesn't have anybody who cares about him it seems. I don't know where his dad is and his mom is so selfish now, always whining about her own little aches and pains. She is turning into a real old fert as Grandpa would say.

    Anyhow, when Paul and I talked about this, he was not very understanding, which I think is not very nice of him, I am trying to be a good friend to Anthony but Paul insists on thinking bad thoughts.

    Mostly we talked about how upset I am about Dad wanting to move which Paul told you we talked about. I don't understand how they can be thinking about this when they know I need them to be there for me to provide me a place to live rent-free if I don't find my perfect job right away. Dad is being so selfish, he's not thinking about my best interests. Then Paul upset me and said something like "Why can't you just use your savings to pay rent somewhere?" and I had to remind him about how little money I make, and about the high cost of lemon zesters and balls of yarn which fortunately I was prepared for because Dee warned me.

    Well I have to go now, more grading!


  • At 9:11 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't know why you keep saying not to borrow money from Mom, you are dead wrong about that. Mom gave me the money for my car and it's worked out great, we talk about it every time she calls me and she asks me "How is that car I bought you working out?" and I say "Great!" and I count my blessings that I am so lucky to have a Mom who is both generous and interested in my well-being.


  • At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Cousin! It’s so good to hear from you again. I’m glad to know April’s former boyfriend has a girlfriend now. Her name sounds so familiar. I could swear my friend and companion, Josef Weeder has served me a drink by the name Shirley Hemple, but it is hard for me to remember things after he serves me new drinks.

    Do you remember the time we spent the night together in the barn during the summer I came out to visit? It was inspirational. I remember your words so clearly, “Mike. As a lover, you’re a writer.” Well, I have been writing ever since. But I think of you fondly, particularly on those nights when I lie awake beside my lovely wife, Deanna, and cannot get to sleep. Your manly chin is a stark contrast to my wife’s bulbous lips.

    I hope things are well for you and you are enjoying being back at school to try to become a veterinarian. It will be good to eventually have a career that will pay money. But I guess you realized that after you got your agriculture degree and decided you had to go back to university. That's the problem with being a Cruikshank and not a Patterson, I guess.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, don't give anthony sponge baths nemore! he totally trix u in2 wanking him! he'z making u cheat on paul!!!


  • At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    The next time you are in your new car and you go to visit mom, take a look at a cancelled check sitting in a frame and mounted on the wall next to the kitchen. Perhaps it will remind of the humiliation I have had to suffer ever since I borrowed $1000 from mom back in 2003.

    By the way, tell April that you are far too intelligent a person to be tricked into "wanking" someone. Our little sis uses some of the most vulgar words sometimes. Her little band even has a song with the title, "Too "@* Loud." I am sure that Anthony was just enjoying a good sponge bath, and really who wouldn't? Of course, our little sis interprets this as "wanking." She must not know how sensitive to sponges Anthony Caine is.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Raoul said…

    Hm, I saw this page was loaded on Anthony Caine's laptop. LOL, that chick he has in here, wearing a blindfold and giving him "sponge baths"? Genius how he tricked her into wanking him like that! Pure genius! Oops, gotta hurry, he's trying 2 snatch his laptop away from me before I send this! Good thing he's still so feeble!


  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Mike, April, and Raoul,

    I don't know what wanking is so how could I possibly do it to someone, of course I couldn't. Also I would never cheat on Paul, I know how bad it is to be cheated on and I could never do anything like that, you should know that. I guess this wanking thing must be something sexual, that's silly, there's nothing sexual about a sponge bath, it's about good hygiene.


  • At 12:28 AM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Psst, Apes - what is up w/ur sister? So far, i have it narrowed down to 1) she's really this dumb, 2) she's in deep, deep denial, or 3) she knows what she's doing but thinks she's fooling the rest of us.

    You wouldn't believe what happened after i got home from the hospital: there was all this smoke and i remembered that i left a grilled cheese on the stove! I got the pan off, but then the smoke detector went off, 'n' when i tried 2 stop it, i broke right through the wicker seat of the chair i tried 2 stand on. I think mayB i need 2 go on a diet. So now I have a broken lamp, a burned pan, and a broken chair. My 'rents better get back soon be4 there's nothing left of the house.



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