Dad starts the teeny-tiny choo-choo house campaign
So, yesterday I left 4 Winni. Dad took me 2 the airport. I'll give U deets pretty soon, probably. Mom an' Dad like me 2 call when I arrive so they know I got there safe. So when I did, Dad answered the phone, an' it went kinda like this:
Me: Hi, Dad, I'm @ the farm.
Dad: Oh, good, I'm glad U got there safe. U know what?
Me: What?
Dad: When I got home from dropping U off @ the airport, yr mother greeted me @ the door and asked, "She got away OK?" And I sed, "April's on her way 2 Winnipeg. We have the house 2 ourselvez."
Me: Wow, yr answer sounded really expository, like U were thinking lotsa ppl cd hear U an' U wanted 2 make sure they knew what and whom U were talking abt.
Dad: Really? I hadn't noticed. NEway, I sniffed and said "Aaahhhh" and noted 2 yr mother how big the place seemz when we're here alone.
Me: Dad, pls tell me U didn't start in on the teeny-tiny choo-choo house!
Dad: Aw, U know me so well! I reminded yr mother that pretty soon all 3 of U kidz will B gone, and I asked her if she ever thot abt moving in2 sumthing smaller. She sed, "Sure! But only when I'm vacuuming." And rite then, Edgar was shaking himself and Dixie was scratching.
Me: OMG, Dad, U've only been writing abt that lil house on the big lot 4-freakin'-ever in yr letters, stalking its owner(s) every day, and U took me by 2 C it once. Haven't U ever mentioned it 2 Mom B4?
Dad: Hm. I'm not really sure, April. The memory really starts 2 go when U reach a certain age.
Me: Yeah, OK, U know what? Laura really needs 2 use the phone!
Dad: OK, love 2 every1!
Me: Yeah, sure, bye!
Dad: Bye!
NEway, Becks I'm glad thingz ended up after the mysterious fire @ the Valhalla last nite, and Liz, I'm sorry 2 hear U've been having a bad time during yr visit w/Paul's 'rents!
Apes
Me: Hi, Dad, I'm @ the farm.
Dad: Oh, good, I'm glad U got there safe. U know what?
Me: What?
Dad: When I got home from dropping U off @ the airport, yr mother greeted me @ the door and asked, "She got away OK?" And I sed, "April's on her way 2 Winnipeg. We have the house 2 ourselvez."
Me: Wow, yr answer sounded really expository, like U were thinking lotsa ppl cd hear U an' U wanted 2 make sure they knew what and whom U were talking abt.
Dad: Really? I hadn't noticed. NEway, I sniffed and said "Aaahhhh" and noted 2 yr mother how big the place seemz when we're here alone.
Me: Dad, pls tell me U didn't start in on the teeny-tiny choo-choo house!
Dad: Aw, U know me so well! I reminded yr mother that pretty soon all 3 of U kidz will B gone, and I asked her if she ever thot abt moving in2 sumthing smaller. She sed, "Sure! But only when I'm vacuuming." And rite then, Edgar was shaking himself and Dixie was scratching.
Me: OMG, Dad, U've only been writing abt that lil house on the big lot 4-freakin'-ever in yr letters, stalking its owner(s) every day, and U took me by 2 C it once. Haven't U ever mentioned it 2 Mom B4?
Dad: Hm. I'm not really sure, April. The memory really starts 2 go when U reach a certain age.
Me: Yeah, OK, U know what? Laura really needs 2 use the phone!
Dad: OK, love 2 every1!
Me: Yeah, sure, bye!
Dad: Bye!
NEway, Becks I'm glad thingz ended up after the mysterious fire @ the Valhalla last nite, and Liz, I'm sorry 2 hear U've been having a bad time during yr visit w/Paul's 'rents!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM
26 Comments:
At 9:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
the police came by 1st thing this morning. (i stayed w/ dad last nite.) they had sum mug shots 4 dad 2 look at. i guess they id'ed the arsonist frum the tape an' wanted 2 ask dad if he knew the dude who did it. dad sed "o yes that is jean-francois du pre, aka fat frankie! when i was with the bandidos and he was with the rock machine, he was my mortal enemy." i wuz all confused an' i started 2 say sumthing but dad smapped his hand over my mouth an' sed 2 the cops "she hates it when i talk abt my past." luggie wuz all like "i can understand that. it must b hard 2 accept that ur dad used 2 b part of a gay biker gang."
well then they sed that fat frankie flew 2 france last nite. i guess fat frankie is actually a french citizen not a native quebecois, his parents moved when he wuz a kid. they sed they won't b able 2 prosecute fat frankie cuz france won't xtradite a french citizen 2 be tried in another country. they sed they would call the insurance adjuster an' let the guy know 2 go ahead an' pay out the claim.
as soon as they were gone i wuz like "but dad! u grew up next door 2 fat frankie! even tho u guyz were in rival gangs u were friends!" an' dad wuz like "becky-thora, u r 2 smart 4 ur fafa's good. let's just say frankie and i did each other a little favor. he has alwayz wanted 2 go home 2 his boyhood home in bourgogne." i just rolled my eyez an' wuz like "well if every1 gets what they want" an' dad wuz like "now u understand!"
gah!
becks
At 9:36 AM,
howard said…
April,
As you have no doubt heard by now, the Valhalla burned down yesterday. Thorvald McGuire seems to be quite happy about it. It means that I am out of one of my jobs. Becky’s mom, Krystle was also happy, but for different reasons. She said, “Sniffff…Aaahhhh. I think it is time for a thorough house cleaning." Then she handed me a big list of everything she wanted cleaned or repaired during this week when she is gone on vacation with Dr. McCaulay. The first thing she wanted to have done was vacuuming. The note says, “All dog hair gone.” We have been gone on the tour for several weeks, and the house is a wreck. It is fairly obvious that Krystle and Dr. McCaulay opted not to employ a substitute house keeper while I was gone, but instead ordered out every single day. It was so bad, Becky decided she was spending the night over at her father's place.
It is on days like today, I wish they lived in a much smaller house. I am not feeling very civil on Civic Day.
Howard K.
At 9:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, yestahday wuz a little ruff. i got 2gethah w/eva & she sed, “sniff. aaahhh. u smell like rebeccah mcguire. go take anothah shower.” i hadda shower like 3 tymez b4 she wuz satisfied. eva likes the new kinda bald me. she sez, “now ur clean we gotta get sum eva abuya smell on u.” it wuz a v.v. pleasant xxperience. i am rilly glad duncan iz stuck @hiz famly cottage all this month. wen he gets back, i’m gonna make sure eva sez, “duncan who?”
At 9:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Glad you made it to Winnipeg, all right. This morning, I got a strange call from Dad. He said, “Mike. Pretty soon, all 3 of my kids will be gone. April left for Winnipeg. When are you going to be gone from the house?” I said, “I haven’t lived in the house on Sharon Park Drive since I graduated from university, 7 years ago.” Dad said, “Oh right. That just leaves Liz. Do you think Elly and I should move to something smaller?” I said, “Dad. Not if you are planning to keep hosting Christmas and Thanksgiving. Remember what mom said about always having a place for us, so we didn’t have to go to the Sobinskis for the holidays? Also, I think April wants to have a place to stay, when she gets back from Winnipeg.” Dad said, “Oh right. Have you noticed that when April is not in the house, it smells bigger?”
I said, “Put mom on.” Mom said, “Michael. Your father is getting in touch with all his senses. He thinks that when he gets old he will be blind, so he is preparing for the inevitable by practicing with his nose. I will have to talk to you later. The dogs are completely infested with fleas, and we need to go to a veterinarian.”
I think I am going to avoid talking to dad until he gets past this nasal phase.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My parents are different from yours. Your parents think you are going to be completely independent as soon as you get out of high school. Otherwise, they wouldn’t plan to move to a smaller house as soon as you leave the house. They really believe in you. So do I.
I wish my parents were like yours. My mother said to me, “Shannon. Even though you will get your Toward Independent Living (TIL) certificate and you will live in an apartment that’s real and not like the imaginary one you have now, you will always have a place with your dad and me. We will leave your room just like you left it.” In one way, I am glad my parents are thinking of me. In another way, I hope when I leave they do like your parents are planning, and move to a small house, so I can never move back.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister has left on her long drive to Mississauga. I was very sad to see her go, but I told her I loved her and I loved seeing her again. She said next time I have to come to see her, which I will do as soon as I get enough time off. I didn’t have to work on the Civic Holiday weekend, which is strange. Most constables in the Ontario Provincial Police had to work this past weekend. I have learned when it comes to your sister; I get time off when nobody else in the OPP gets time off. It is strange and my fellow constables are jealous, but I have learned not to question it anymore. That is they way it is.
My noos (father) said, “Sniffff…Aaahhhh. The smell of the White Goose has left the house.” My ngashi (mother) said, “I think I knew you liked simple things, Paul, but until I met Elizabeth, I did not really know how simple.” My mishomis (grandfather) said, “No, my nindaan (daughter). What I have learned this weekend is how simple my noozhis (grandson) is. A man less simple than Paul, would not even consider pursuing the migrating white goose to the Big Smoke.” My noos (father) said, “My gwiiwizens (son) will seem even simpler when he gets to the Big Smoke and finds how big things are, when he is there alone. And even bigger when he finally figures out he is really alone.” I said to my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) miigwetch (thank you) for all the compliments. I knew they loved the simple nature of my sweet girl just as much as I do.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:55 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April,
Looks like i've missed a lot in the last couple of days. I haven't been able 2 type, tho. Remember how u got ur 'rents 2 let u stay by urself last spring when they went 2 Mexico? Well, my parents were going 2 b gone 4 a week this month, 'n' i didn't c y i had 2 stay w/Bernice. I'm 16, 4 cryin out loud, i can take care of myself. I told my Dad, "C'mon, April stayed by herself 'n' she was only 14 then!" They finally decided i could stay by myself, and u know what happened? The 2nd they pulled out of the driveway, i turned around 'n' fell over Puddles 'n' sprained my wrist! I was laying on the floor 'n' my wrist was killing me so i told him, "Puddles, bring the phone! The phone, Pud!". But he brought me his chew bone instead. I said, "Not the Bone, the PHone, Puddles!!" but he just stood there wagging his tail 'n' hanging his tongue out. Dogs r never as smart in real life as they r in the movies. I finally had 2 get up 'n' get the phone myself so i could call Bernice 2 take me 2 the emergency room. My wrist feels better, but Mom is not going 2 b happy when she c's her lamp got broken.
Your trip 2 the farm sounds like it will b fun. Getting 2 ride horses 'n' help @ the vet clinic sounds cube. I luv animals. Puddles is in the dog house a little bit right now, tho.
Paul, it sounds like ur family is trying 2 tell u that u 'n' Liz r perfect 4 each other, if u know what i mean. But it sounds like Shiimsa might not feel the same way. Especially the part where she clawed u. If u 'n' Liz decide 2 get married sumday, do u think Shiims will approve?
Luann
At 6:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, every1, i'm glad i'm @ the farm, cuz since i've gotten here, no1 has said "sniff! aaahhhh!" or talked abt having a smaller house or vacuuming up dog hair. i really feel like my 'rents can't w8 2 get rid of me, so i'm a bit bummed abt that.
luann, i hear abt yr lil accident. i h8 when stuff like that happs! @ least u didn't get all freaked out watching bad horror moviez in the middle of the nite, turn on all the lites, and get yr neighbour all curious so she comes over an' scarez the bejesus outta u!
becks, yr dad is crafty!
paul, yr parents sound kinda grumpy, i think.
mike, i do think dad is losing it, eh?
jeremy, now i know y eva called me and sed, "essense of abuya coming rite up 4 my man!" and hung up b4 i had a chance 2 go "wha?"
shannon, i'm not sure, but i think it mite b bad luck 2 wish yr rents do nething like mine do!
apes
At 6:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Luann DeGroot,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I don’t think I have written to you before. My memory is bad for people I have not met personally. I am sorry to hear about your sprained wrist. In my work with the Ontario Provincial Police, I have seen many worse accidents with people who are staying home alone. I am happy you did not have anything worse happen to you.
I read your writings about my possible marriage to my sweet girl, Elizabeth Patterson. You asked if Shiimsa would approve our marriage. I think if we have fresh fish at the wedding ceremony, Shiimsa would be there and give her approval. If we have baloney and bannock, Shiimsa would not approve. I think fresh fish will be at the wedding ceremony.
Right now I have stopped on the side of the road on the way back to my home in Otter County from my ningitiziim (parents’) house in White River. I decided it would be a good time to take a break and write to anyone who has written to me. I have to take a detour to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to take my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, home, before I go to Otter County. I asked her if she thought Shiimsa would approve my marriage to Elizabeth. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I can’t believe you asked that question.” I guess Chipper does not understand how important Shiimsa’s opinion is to my sweet girl.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am not sure why you think my ningitiziim (parents) are grumpy. After my sweet girl left to go back to Mississauga, Susan Dokis came over for me to give her a ride back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). When I left White River, my ningitiziim (parents) gave me and Susan a very happy good-bye.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, u know yr 'rents better than i do, but fr. what u wrote (b4, not the part w/susan an' the happy goodbye), it seemed like they were not so happy.
apes
At 7:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings and I think I understand now. You must mean when my noos (father) said, “Sniffff…Aaahhhh. The smell of the White Goose has left the house.” My noos (father) was using native humour. This will not sound good, but to explain my noos (father), I will need to say my sweet girl has a unique smell to her. I love the smell. It is part of what makes your sister so special to me. No other woman smells like her, not even you or your ngashi (mother) or Susan Dokis. In Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), Jesse Mukwa called it Kaad-Gnebig Njnaamod or Lizard Breath. So, my noos (father) may have sounded grumpy, but I can tell you that my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) all told me they were very happy to see my sweet girl leave.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, post-tour haz been goin’ gr8. i have a lotta spendin’ money. my mom wuz v.v. happy w/the stuff i got her on tour & she actually sed, “ur not like ur father. wen he came back frum tour, he wud give me crabs.” i gotta line on sum othah litin’ & sound jobz. eva duzn’t seem confuzed ‘bout me & duncan @all. i am sooo glad duncan iz at hiz famly’z lake cottage.
i do have a little bad newz tho. wen eva & i were @horny tims, we saw ur bf w/anothah girl. eva sed it wuzn’t ur ger it wuz “ger” & she did the thing w/the air quotes. but then eva sed u & “ger” were kissin’ n fronta ur mom @ur last 4 evah & eva rehearsal. she wuz kinda confuzed if “ger” wuz cheatin’ on u, since he iz “ger” and not ger, or if u were cheatin’ on ger, since u were kissin’ on “ger.” eva did so many air quotes she accidentally poked me n the eye. but there wuz enuff kisses aftah that, so i 4got all ‘bout my eye. eva smellz rilly good.
At 8:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I don’t know if I would say dad is losing it. He just seems to be working far ahead of the rest of us. Remember when he came back from his Mexican vacation and said he had made arrangements with Gordon to trade in his car and then at Grandpa Jim’s birthday party, he said, “Gordon’s giving me a deal on a Crevasse sedan”? Well, I talked to Gordon and he said when dad went to Mayes Midtown Motors one month later in April, it was the first he knew Dad wanted to trade in his Bushwhacker.
I think this business with the retirement house is the same kind of thing. Dad is working way in advance. He called up Deanna this afternoon at her work and asked her when we were moving into the Sharon Park Drive house. I wish he hadn’t done that, because Deanna believed I had made plans without her. When Weed and I were talking about buying the Heritage Home we live in from Lovey Saltzman, Deanna and Carleen both browbeat me for just talking about that without them. Deanna thought I was doing the same kind of thing again. I had to call mom to convince her we weren’t buying the house. Mom said dad has been harassing this George Stibbs, the fellow who owns the little house on the large property on the corner of our road that dad wants, almost every day. Dad had even called realtors, and mom had to call them back to let him know we were not quite ready to sell yet. Sometimes Dad forgets that we are Pattersons and we don’t do anything quickly.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, that's what i'm worried abt. like i'll come home an' dad will b all, "april, haven't u moved out yet?"
paul, usually when ppl r happy 2 c sum1 go? it'z cuz they don't like that person an' they wanna b rid of the person.
jeremy, ger sed i hadta kiss "ger" 2 avoid suspicion, so i think it doesn't count as me cheating on ger w/"ger". but if "ger" is kissing another girl, even tho he'z not really cheating on me, he'd xxpect me 2 think he'z cheating if he knew i knew that he did that, tho i m sure he doesn't know i know that. hm, i think after writing that all out, i've gotta lie down! neway, i xxpect the ger/"ger" stuff will str8en out when i get back fr. the farm an' we start school in sept.
apes
At 9:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i read ur post like 10X & i have no idea wut ur talkin' 'bout. eva sed she did. eva sed if there wuz sum1 n mboro who looked like me & talked like me & wuz sum1 she had kissed on like me; she wud b upset if he wuz goin' 'round mboro kissin' othah girls cuz it wud seem like i wuz kissin' othah girlz & cheatin' on her, evn tho it wud b the person who looks & talks like me kissin' othah girlz. eva sez sum1 who looks & talks like me wud get punched out, if sum1 like me wuz doin' that. aftah readin' that, i gotta lie down now 2. eva sez she needz 2 lie down also, but i don't think it's 4 the same reasonz as me.
At 9:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom said dad may talk about doing things, but actually doing things is a different story. The stuff in your room is safe, no matter what dad may say to you about moving out.
We haven't heard anything about what you are doing on the farm. How are aunt Bev and uncle Danny? Has Grandpa Will told you any fert jokes, yet? Does cousin Laura still look hott, I mean reasonably attractive?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings and I think you do not understand the Ojibway ways. First you said my ningitiziim (parents) are grumpy. When I say they are happy, you say they are not really happy, that want to be rid of my sweet girl. If they said they were grumpy to see my sweet girl leave for Mississauga, it wouldn’t make any sense.
I think it is because your ways are different from our ways. When I left your house in Milborough to come back to Otter County, my sweet girl went with me alone to the outside of your house, and we kissed while you and your ngashi (mother) looked at us through the window and talked about whether you should be looking at us. I could hear you talking while we kissed. Your neighbours were also looking and I could hear them say, “Who’s Elizabeth kissing? That’s not Anthony. I have to call Elly right now. That is, as soon as they’re done kissing.” Then I left.
When my sweet girl left White River, my noos (father) and my ngashi (mother) and mishomis (grandfather) all came outside to say goodbye. My ngashi (mother) gave your sister the leftover coffee cake as peace offering from what happened yesterday. My noos (father) said “Miigwetch (thank you) for coming. I am so glad we could finally meet you and see what kind of girl Paul is leaving the Northwest for.” My mishomis (grandfather) said, “Waabshki-nika (white goose) means ‘I’ll always return.’ So, we know you will always return to the Big Smoke.” My sweet girl got emotional and cried. It was a good moment. Then she left.
You can see the big differences in our cultures. So what is happy for you may be grumpy for us. And the other way too.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg well guess what? i wuz hanging out in my hot tub 2day when "ger" came over in a pair of tiki-print swim trunks. so i knew it wuzn't the real ger, cuz ger alwayz wears a speedo an' a noseclip. neway, he is all like "yo, becky, what do u say?" an' i wuz like "i say wtf r u doing in my yard?" an' "ger" is all like "yo, u an' me wuz alwayz tite, i wanna swim w/ u baby." an' i wuz like "ok" since i thot it mite b funny 2 mess w/ ger's brother.
neway he gets in the hot tub w/ me an' he's all like "o becky, u r the foxiest girl in skool" an' that wuz just the start of it, he just went on an' on abt how gr8 i m. i kinda looked at him an' i could tell he wuz b-ing sincere!
i wuz like "u know ger, i have alwayz liked u, but ur w/ my bff, so ur off limits." an' ger's bro wuz like "but now little april an' i, like, got an' understanding btween us. i can c other chix."
i wuz thinking then that i can totally c how ger's bro has been able 2 pull off this charade. he has dropped sum w8 an' he has grown about a foot since i last saw him! he looks almost xxactly like ger now. an' i started thinking, wow, ger is hotter then i remember!
then ger's bro goes "becky, u have the finest tits i have evah seen outside of a porno movie." normally i would b all offended by that but it wuz sumthing abt how hot "ger" looked that just made me want 2 give in 2 my animal instincts! i grabbed him an' sed "gerald, kiss me!"
i won't say what happened after that. 4 awhile, ger's bro an' i were in the titest, hottest lip lock i have evah been in! i kept moaning "ger, oh ger!" an' he wuz all like "becky, becky!" an' i wuz like "ger, at last, ur mine!" there wuz so much thrashing around in that hot tub that loverboy ran 4 cover an' the dogs came up 2 the side of the tub an' started barking, all 3 of them.
i don't know what came ovah me. i have nevah been that turned on in my whole life! "ger" an' i were all ripping off each other's swim suits an' i wuz all like "gerald, o yes, thank god, at last!" an' "ger" just kept saying "o god, o god, o god, o yes, o god" ovah an' ovah again.
well "ger" an' i were naked an' just about 2 round 3rd base when all of a sudden i herd sum guy say "becky?" in a high-pitched voice an' "ger" an' i turn around an' what do u know but ger--the REAL ger!--is standing in my backyard staring at us!!
ger wuz all like speechless. he wuz still in his viking clothes frum his camp. he wuz like "wha--the--wha--becky! that's not--y--u--u were--u thought u were making out w/ me?!?" i wuz like "no, w8, it's not what it looks like!" an' ger is all like wite as a sheet an' he sez in this squeeky voice "u want 2 hit a home run w/ me?!?" an' i wuz all like "no, it's ok, i know he's ur brother!" an' ger's bro wuz all like "really? u knew? then how come u were moaning ger's name?" an' i wuz all like "well, u know, bcuz u were pretending 2 b him!" an' ger is like "u were living out ur fantasy of b-ing w/ me w/ my brother?!?" an' i wuz like "yes. no. well, kind of. but not really!"
then ger's eyes rolled up in his head an' he fell ovah in a dead faint.
well, of course howie trained freyfaxi as a lifeguard, an' his instincts kicked in, so he started 2 bark the SOS alert--three short barks, three long barks, and three more short barks. barely halfway thru the three long barks, howie came running out of the big house dressed in his french maid's outfit, covered in grime, yelling "here i come becky, i'll save u!" an' he tripped rite ovah ger's body an' fell 2 the ground like a sack of bricks.
ger's bro took 1 look at them an' wuz like "i think we're alone again" an' he totally wanted 2 keep going, but 4 me, the mood wuz dead. i told him 2 put on his swimsuit an' help me give howie an' ger 1st aid.
then ger's bro asked me "so duz this mean u nevah want 2 c me again?" an' i thot abt it, an' i realized sumthing--that wuz the hottest nookie i evah had in my life. so i wuz like "i dunno." an' ger's bro wuz like "heh, well, at least u didn't say no!" then i wuz like "hey, what's ur name neway?" he told me. ugh, it is so bad, it makes "gerald" an' "aloysius" sound like "steve" an' "joe." i'll give u a hint, it starts w/ a b. so i sed "how about i just call u gb?" an' he wuz like "if that stands 4 'gay b_____', i m gonna punch u in the stomach so hard u'll wish u were gerald on 'punch gerald in the stomach day.'" i wuz like "wtf? no, it's short 4 'gerald's brother.'" an' gb sed "ok, i'm used 2 that neway i guess. it's better then my real name."
by the time we got out of the hot tub, howie wuz conscious again an' he wuz sitting on the ground holding his head in his hands an' he saw me an' gb an' ger all 2gether an' then he wuz like "stop the world, i need 2 get off." i guess he saw me an' gb w/ r suits off an' ger an' it wuz all krazee an' mixed up an' very very hard 2 xxplain.
i rilly hope apes duzn't kill me. but i want 2 point out that i alwayz knew i wuz not messing around w/ the real gerald!1!
btw, ger is fine. they r just keeping him overnite at the psych ward 4 observation. i guess sumthing abt the head trauma plus seeing me getting it on w/ gb just sent him kinda over the edge a little or sumthing. naturally ger's mom is blaming me 4 everything. sheesh.
how's winnipeg?
becks
At 9:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
o, 4got 2 say, me an' gb went 2 horny t's after the hospital. that wuz us. my bad. i guess jer didn't recognize me cuz of the had i was wearing 2 hide my hair (still wet frum the pool).
becks
At 12:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am finally home, I am exhausted. I will tell more about my trip later, if I feel like it, but maybe I won't, I am very disappointed. I thought it would be more like "oh we are so glad that our Paul is pursuing a partnership with the only white girl to ever get a spirit name in recent memory!" instead of "why aren't you more like that nice native girl Susan, Goose Girl?"
I think Mike might have made up some of the things he said about Mom and Dad in his posts today, some of it is clearly not stuff Mom would do. Like take the dogs to the vet if they acted sick, she wouldn't do that. Remember, when Mr. B got sick? No vet for him, he had to be "a miracle." So I doubt Mom took the dogs just for some weird scratching, that would be totally like some kind of person she isn't like. You know what I mean.
Liz
At 12:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
whoa!
i took the dogs out 4 a walk 2nite which meant i rode freyfaxi while i held on2 zeus an' apollo's leashes. well as i wuz going down the choo-choo house street i saw 2 people just standing an' staring at the choo-choo house! sure enuff, it wuz john an' jelly! apes, this is what they do when u r not home!! they night-stalk old men w/ teeny-tiny choo-choo houses!!!
i crouched down bhind a big shrubby hedge an' told the dogs 2 shush an' i listened 2 what they were saying:
jelly: why are we stopping? john, i'm tired! it's late! why did you drag me out at night! it's hot! why did you make me put on this sweatshirt in the middle of august?! my feet hurt! bugs are biting me! you see, i tell you it's nature's fault that i don't get any exercise, and you never believe me! now you know it's true!
john: look at this little house!
jelly: why? that's george stibbs's place! what's the use in looking at george stibbs's house? john, i'm hungry! i want to go home!
john: i'll take you to the all-night bakery if you'll just listen for a minute.
jelly: i'm all ears!
john: he wants to sell it.
jelly: the bakery is for sale? you know john, you're right, i'm bored with retirement. i'm going to buy--
john: no, not the bakery. george stibbs's house. it's for sale.
jelly: well why would anyone want to buy his house when he's still living in it? there's barely enough room for him, let alone anyone else! look at that thing! it's a crackerbox!
john: no, george stibbs is selling the house and moving out.
jelly: well, that's good, because it's smaller than a crackerbox. it's a matchbox! speaking of matches and crackers, let's go home, light a fire, and make s'mores!
john: in a minute. george stibbs is alone now.
jelly: well, i hope you don't want me to go in there and try to cheer him up. unmarried people are so depressing. i hate being around them.
john: no, he's going to move to be closer to his boys.
jelly: good. then we can get a nice family in here. or maybe just a couple. it's a really small house. it's not even as big as both our crevasses put together!
john: but the house is nice. and it's on three lots!
jelly: too much lawn to mow! that's even worse than vacuuming, it's basically the same thing, except you're outside in the hot weather and the bugs are biting you and you're sweating, just like i am now, and john, i really want to go home!!!
john: would you please just focus, elly? i'll take you home and personally bake you a pan of your mother's chocolate cherry cheese streudel if you will just talk about this house with me for a minute!!
jelly: alright john, you don't have to yell! you're probably waking up poor old widowed miserable george stibbs right now!
john: (sighs)
jelly: what?
john: never mind. now i don't feel like it.
jelly: oh for crying out loud john, just get it over with so i can go home and have streudel! what is it?
john: (mumbles) just think what you could do if you had this property.
jelly: what could i do? huh? come on! tell me! now you have me thinking about streudel! i don't want to wait all night!
john: build a bigger workshop...and buy more trains.
i won't tell u what happened after that. since apes is gone on vay-cay, i m gonna take ovah doing the patterson "drag the story out 4-evah" method of relating events!
'night!
becks
At 12:35 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I read my last post and I don't want to make it seem like I'm complaining, I'm not. Meeting Paul's parents was a very good opportunity and I'm glad I did, they are nice people, even if I was not in the mood for their native humor. I hope I can make that long exhausting trip again really soon, but I probably can't, I have to hang around down here for when my great job comes and finds me.
Liz
At 2:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
Lizardbreath,
I did not make up anything about mom. Mom will take dogs to the vet, particularly if the dogs have fleas, which can get into the carpet. As for Mr. B, you were in university when this happened. I was not living in Milborough either, but April can tell you her bunny did go to Dr. Ng. Dr. Ng said Mr. B had a growth. He did not recommend surgery, because Mr. B was old. His recommendation was to give him medication for the pain and take him and give him love before he died. Although mom praises Dr. Ng for allowing April to get the chance to experience a “miracle” when Mr. B died, the next year when Edgar’s paw got cut, Dad realized that Dr. Ng was an idiot and took Edgar to a different vet. Trust me when I say the next time April talks about Edgar and Dixie, they will not be scratching a nest of fleas out of their fur.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:01 AM,
howard said…
April,
House clean. Head hurts. Naked Becky. 2 Geralds. One of them naked. Patty Duke flashbacks. Tomorrow must be better.
Howard K.
At 3:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I forgot, Mom will take animals to the vet, but she won't pay to have them doctored up, right, I forgot. Thanks for the reminder, you know how I am not good at remembering things. Like my suitcase with all my clothes, I found it pushed under my bed when I got home, imagine that!
Liz
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