I am SUCH a Doofus!
After Auntie Bev helped me get ahold of Tawny, the horse who'd run off after giving me a "bunt" w/her head, I was all, "I don't get it. Last yr, the horses were so easy 2 handle. This yr, it's like they're making fun of me!" Which they totally R, but I kinda can't blame them b-cuz I was being such a DOOFUS! Auntie Bev was all, "They have 2 get used 2 U again, April. When U have worked w/them 4 a while, they'll b-have better." And I was, like, "Oh. I thot Tawny, @ least, wd know me!'' Since she scored so much higher than Belle on those standardized intelligence tests. And Aunt Bev was all, "She does!" And just then, Tawny lifted me by the seat of my shorts, and Aunt Bev sed, "U used 2 keep treats in yr pockets! ...Remember?" Yeah, treats in my pockets, I guess that was a mistake.
Dunc, glad 2 C U got 2 post a lil bit last nite, even tho U got cut off B4 U cd finish. Sorry 2 hear U R having a bad time @ yr 'rents' cottage!
Apes
Dunc, glad 2 C U got 2 post a lil bit last nite, even tho U got cut off B4 U cd finish. Sorry 2 hear U R having a bad time @ yr 'rents' cottage!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM
14 Comments:
At 9:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Another great write up. To the average reader, it would appear that you are being humiliated again by your horse after being rescued by Auntie Bev. But to the more discerning reader, such as myself, it is obvious with Auntie Bev’s somewhat nonsensical explanation of horse behaviour (horses behave best for strangers?), that your theme today is disguises. Auntie Bev represents foolishness wrapped in an older, sage wrapper. You, as a Patterson, are perfection, wrapped in a youthful, horse treat-carrying wrapper. The horse is vengeance (for you not having horse treats), wrapped in a kindly horse wrapper. All you needed was the black dog of death and it would be a perfect analogy for the passages of life. Excellent again.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are not a doofus. You are the nicest girl in Milborough. That horse is mean. I thought your joke “Since she scored so much higher than Belle on those standardized intelligence tests” was funny. Tawny was your favourite horse last year. That’s why Tawny should remember you. But this year she is mean. Are all the horses mean, or just Tawny? My mom really wants me to go horseback riding. She said most horses don’t run off or lift you up by your pants or laugh at you. But I tell her, if a horse can do that to April Patterson, when she is so nice, then they will definitely do it to me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hope the horse didn’t bite u wen it wuz liftin’ u by the seat of ur shorts. eva tellz me that horse bites r a lot worse than human bites. @least thass wut she tellz me 2 comfort me az i recover frum my eva bite frum 2 dayz ago.
i know u like 2b down on urself, but i dunno y u thot u were b-ing a doofus. u tripped & fell (which i do all the tyme), a horse knocked u outa the way 2 run off (which iz the horse’s fault) & u hadda get ur auntie 2 help bring her back (gettin’ help iz not a bad thing), & then the same horse decidez 2 lift u by the sear of ur shorts (st00pid horse again). i can c myself doin’ all thoze thingz & then like settin’ the barn on fire by accident or sumthin’ evn worse. b-lieve me april, u gotta long way 2 go b4 ur a doofus.
‘course eva sez a cowboy’z best friend iz hiz horse. i say, “evn closer than the cowgirl?” eva sez, “thass a diffrent kinda close.” i am actually rilly happ 2 hear eva say that, cuz i wuz kinda afraid she wud say sumthin’ diffrent. neway, eva & vicki simone r kinda bondin’. eva wunts gordie & vicki 2 play mixed dubblez n tennis w/us 2day. eva looks rilly good n a tennis skirt, so i always have motivation 2 play tennis w/her evn tho she alwayz beats me. i dunno if i wanna c gordie n tennis shorts tho. i have a feelin’ we’ll b playin’ sk8board tennis, w/him around.
At 11:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
jer, u should not b going out w/ a krazee chik obsessed w/ cowboys who makes you have 2 get stitches. that is sick an' wrong.
no would nevah make me have 2 get stitches. he is a gentleman.
well we went 2 the concert. since it wuz in toronto we had 2 take a bus, but it wuz way sweet cuz the "car service" he has "on retainer" is actually the paratransit bus system, which is better then a regular bus. it's much nicer an' more xxclusive. i kinda giggled when i saw what he meant by his "car service." he has a good sense of humor.
also, he brought me a corsage. v. classy. we got on the bus an' the 1st thing he complimented me on wuz my perfume. i wuz like "thanks, it's shalimar." he wuz like "i m glad u wore perfume" so howie, good tip.
the concert wuz pretty good. i m not big on classical music but i rilly liked it. then we had dinner. we had a good conversation, i really liked it cuz unlike w/ my friends, family, an' other bfs, hockey, the juvie courts, horses, eating disorders, viking tradition, bakeries, adulterous doctors, fistfites, an' butt sex nevah came up. (no offense guyz, but those r not xxactly my fave topics of convo.)
then we went 2 the park in milboro 4 a walk. we stopped 2 sit on a park bench an' he just kept talking. i got v. frustrated cuz i wuz feeling pretty hot an' i m used 2 men complimenting me an' wanting 2 paw me. i finally wuz like "don't u want 2 kiss me?"
well let's just say he did.
nehow, we did that 4 awhile an' then he sed "that wuz v. nice" an' i wuz like "yeah, ur a good kisser" an' then he touched my sleeve an' he wuz like "i like ur dress, it's v. soft." i grabbed his hand an' put it on my boob an' i wuz like "it's softer here."
well i thot that would lead 2 sum more fun but just then officer luggsworth came around the bend in the path an' he saw me put his hand on my boob, an' he came running ovah yelling "i c u, becky mcguire! molesting a blind boy like that! u roadside gig! get outta here! the park is not 2 b used like the backseat of a car or the shrubs btween ur mom's an' the forsythe house! yeah, i saw u an' luis guzman in there!"
well luggie wuz still yelling as me an' no left the park. i wuz upset cuz i don't want no 2 know abt my bad rep. but that isn't even what he wuz thinking abt. he wuz 2 buzy b-ing mad at luggie 4 acting like just cuz he's blind, it means he shouldn't want 2 get sum like a regular h.s. boy. that's not how he put it, he wuz more polite, but it wuz the same thing.
then he sed "i didn't know u were a street performer. that's cool." an' i wuz like "huh?" an' he goes "roadside gig. isn't that what that means?" an' i wuz all like "yeah, that's it, sorry, i 4got." an' no wuz like "i guess u r v. far removed frum ur days as a street performer now, i looked u up on the internet an' i guess ur pretty famous." i wuz like "just in canada. that's not like real fame." an' no wuz like "sounds pretty good 2 me, if my band wuz famous in canada, i'd b pretty happy." i wuz like "yeah, it's pretty cube" an' no wuz like "what's 'cube' mean?" an' i wuz like "it's canadian teen slang 4 'cool.' it's way cuber 2 say 'cube.'" an' no wuz like "cube. thanks 4 telling me. i m not up on all the l8est slang. i ride the paratransit an' have 2 spend time in the special ed room, u don't hear the l8est slang there 2 much." i wuz like "yeah, i guess u mostly know old peeps an' tards." an' no wuz like "yeah, but don't call them tards, ok? a lot of them r pretty cube." i wuz like "shannon lake seems pretty cube" an' no sed "yeah, we both use justin. do u know what justin is?" an' i wuz like "duh, how can u know shannon lake an' not know abt justin?" an' he kinda laffed an' sed "yeah." then he sed "the other day...in the special ed computer lab...sum1 snuck up on me an' grabbed my ass. i think it mite of been shannon." i laffed.
then no sed "i'm surprised 2 hear that a girl as famous as u has 2 have a part-time job." an' i wuz like "what, u mean at the bakery? i hardly do that nemore." an' he sed "no, trimming the hedges. it seems weird 4 a pop star 2 b on a gardening crew w/ illegal mexican laborers." then i got what he wuz talking abt an' i wuz like "oh, well, luis just asked me 2 help him out. an' he's legal. i think. he goes 2 school w/ us, an' apes sez he's pretty cube. i'm not real sure. we don't, uh, talk v. much when we r 2gether. but i don't help him w/ the bushes nemore, not since my big tour." no sed "that makes more sense."
whew! well when we got home, no had 2 leave, but we made a hot tub d8 4 later this week. jellus much, shannon?
becks
At 11:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
o, 1 more thing i 4got. no told me that sum krazee old lady named mae thomas actually petitioned the paratransit 2 have no's permit 2 ride revoked. she sed that ode foax should b able 2 feel safe on the paratransit an' that means the buses should b free of "wild and crazy criminal teenagers." do ne of u know her? she sounds wack. but then again, all the old peeps at the valhalla seemed pretty wack w/ their teenager hate so mayb she's not 2 unusual.
becks
At 3:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky,
Roket to Mars, Becky. Roket to Mars.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 3:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ninose (aunt) and your bezhigooganzhiig (horse). The Ontario Provincial Police is not mounted, so I do not have much experience with bezhigooganzhiig (horses). When the bezhigooganzhiig (horse) was trying to get to treats, it seems like it was playing with you, not that you are doofus.
For example, my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, is in Otter County visiting me before the school in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) starts. Chipper saw my apartment and said, “Good old, Suds (her nickname for me). You are so clean. Remember that’s why I call you Suds. I wonder how you could stand visiting Elizabeth, without cleaning her apartment every time you visited her. Vivian Crane said she wished she had given Elizabeth more advice about cleaning and less about cats, after she saw what was left in the teacherage apartment.” Then she stared at me and said, “You did clean her apartment every time you visited her. I can see it on your face. Oh, Suds.” I told Chipper I just helped my sweet girl straighten a few things during my visits to her in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), but I visited your mother in Milborough, and your house was very clean, so the future was promising.
Then Chipper and I had a good time talking about the old days on the powwow trail together. Chipper said, “Suds, remember you used to keep treats in your pockets, and if I asked you the right way, you would give me some.” I said I remembered. Then it was time for me to go to sleep, and I told Chipper I was going to bed. Chipper said, “I think you have some treats in your pockets right now.” Then she grabbed me by the top of my pants so hard it practically lifted me off the ground. She said, “Let’s check these pants for treats.” Of course she found some. It had been so long since someone checked my pants for treats, I forgot they were there.
During my usual 10 pm phone conversation with your sister, I told her about Chipper and treats. She said, “Yes, I understand. Susan Dokis is fat. Now, we have to decide about Labour Day weekend. You are coming here.” I said, “I don’t where ‘here’ is going to be in September. Have you found a permanent job?” My sweet girl said she hadn’t, but she was sure if it was meant to be for her to find a job she would find one. I said, “Don’t you have to look for positions, apply, and do interviews?” My sweet girl said, “Paul. Paul. Paul. How many times to have to tell you this? I am a Patterson. By September, someone will offer me a job. When I visit Anthony in hospital, he never asks me these questions.” So I think, tentatively, I will be driving to someone where in September to visit my sweet girl. I don’t know where.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, evry girl i d8ed last yr left sum kinda scar on me. u may think goin’ out w/a girl who makes you hafta get stitches iz sick & wrong, but i figger thass just the way it iz w/me & girlz. also, i think the wordz u wunted 2 uze r “no1 would evah make me have 2 get stitches” not “no would nevah make me have 2 get stitches.” avoid the dubble-negatives.
At 5:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
As you can tell I had a very unsatisfying conversation with Paul last night. I wanted to talk all about how hard school is and about my visits to Anthony but oh no he just had to keep "interrupting" with all his negative questions about why I am not looking for a job and his unimportant remarks about how Susan Dokis is such a fatty that she keeps eating all his treats.
So on one hand we have me with these issues (1) friend in the hosptial and (2) slave drivers for bosses at work who are probably going to give me a nervous breakdown, i mean who ever heard of teaching and grading papers for eight whole hours five days a week on a rigidly set schedule? On the other hand we have Paul interrupting to make small talk about treats and also to ask me stupid questions about looking for work, as if I don't already have enough work, and as if I am not a Patterson or something. It is hard to be so misunderstood by your boyfriend, I am sure this would not be happening if I were up North, but I just couldn't live there anymore, it is just too hard to be that far away from my family. Now I can get a job where I can go home to visit at least once or twice a month which I couldn't do when I was in Mtigwaki. This way I can go up to Nipigon or White River once or twice a month to see Paul, see how it all makes sense? He keeps saying how he doesn't understand and how there is an opening in White River, which I don't understand, I have made my need to be south near "the Big Smoke" very clear.
I am sure that when Paul moves down south so we can talk in person our problems with me getting through to him will all disappear, he will just love being down here near mom and dad like I do. If we are going to have a future Paul and Dad will have to get to be good friends like Anthony and Dad are, so Paul can be more like Dad, that is a must for me.
Well I am sure it will all work out, I have to go now, they are so rigid about visiting hours at the hospital. I guess they have some kind of schedule, they check on patients on a strict schedule, not like at the nursing station in Mtigwaki where Viv did her nursing whenever she felt like it. I miss the relaxed northern ways it's the one thing that is wrong with the south.
Liz
At 6:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, thanx 2 every1 who wrote 2 say i wasn't a doofus. i really felt like 1, cuz i felt i'd been so good w/the horses last summer, and like this summer, not so much.
shan, i don't think the horses r mean. i mean, they were s00per nice 2 me last summer. hm, mayB they were upset w/me 4 leaving an' feel, like, "oh, so u d-cided 2 show up, eh? well we don't need u after all." or sumthin' like that.
jeremy, the horse didn't bite me. she picked me up by the fabric on my pants, an' i got a wicked-bad wedgie, but no bite.
becks, soundz like a v. cube d8 w/no. not cool of luggie 2 mess w/u like that!
liz, i just don't get yr dad fixation. i don't wanna b married 2 sum1 who dresses in a choo-choo costume an' is all obsessed w/trains, trains, traiiiiins. or who drives around hoping sum teenagerz will admire his dorky station wagon.
apes
At 7:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Now that I can actually work my eyelids without the burned lashes hurting I'm doing a little reading and watching TV. Nurse Lovelace just gave me my after-dinner treatment and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but I'll try to give you guys a holler out or a shout back or whatever you kids call it.
Mike, I read your early draft of "Foobin' Around With Mr. C" and I think it's wonderful. The characters are so funny! I do wonder, though, if some of the jokes about Mr. C (like when he's checking the temperature in the cinnamon roll case and his girlfriend says "nice buns") couldn't be taken the wrong way. A comment like "nice buns" could have a double meaning. If the actress playing the girlfriend has a real sarcastic tone of voice, the audience might think that Mr. C's cinnamon buns aren't tasty. Also, you don't make it clear enough in the script that Mr. C. is good-looking and popular and rich and smart and that his girlfriend has been deeply in love with him since she was a pre-teen. Audiences like a main character they can root for.
Anyway, apart from that, the jokes are great. You clearly have a zest for physical humor as well as the more intellectual kind. I swear, some of it is good enough for B.C. or The Lockhorns.
Anthony
At 10:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
Glad to hear that your eye lashes are feeling better. I know how important those are to making a man feel right with the world. Someday, I hope to grow a pair of eye lashes myself.
Let me see if I can address your problems with my early draft of "Foobin' Around With Mr. C". I tried to do the best I could without your input, but I suppose there is room for improvement with your suggestions.
1. You worried that if the actress playing the girlfriend has a real sarcastic tone of voice, the audience might think that Mr. C's cinnamon buns aren't tasty.
What I am going to do is write in a note to the actress, so the part instead of saying:
Mr. C’s Girlfriend: Nice buns.
Will now say:
Mr. C’s Girlfriend: Nice buns. {Said in way that is not sarcastically.}
2. You worried I didn’t make it clear enough in the script that Mr. C. is good-looking and popular and rich and smart and that his girlfriend has been deeply in love with him since she was a pre-teen.
What I am going to do is add a little script to get that point across. So the part instead of saying:
Mr. C’s Girlfriend: Nice buns. {Said in way that is not sarcastically.}
Will now say:
Mr. C’s Girlfriend: Nice buns. {Said in way that is not sarcastically.} When you checked the temperature in the cinnamon roll case, I couldn’t help but notice how you were able to correctly calculate the perfect temperature in your head without the use of a supercomputer.
Mr. C: It’s nothing any genius accountant couldn’t do. I was thinking of investing even more money into super-automatic cinnamon roll case temperature controls tied to an atomic clock. It would be too much money for most people, but not for me. The quality of good cinnamon rolls is paramount to the survival of all mankind.
Group of attractive bikini-clad girls: Mr. C. Mr. C. We love you! You made the low-fat cinnamon rolls so we can eat all we want and never get fat! Marry us! Marry us!
Mr. C’s Girlfriend: Keep back girls! This handsome hunk of man is mine. I lay claim to him when I was but 8 years old and my claim will not be usurped.
Group of attractive bikini-clad girls: Waah! {They walk off so blinded by the tears in their eyes, they run into a wall.}
Mr. C and Mr. C’s Girlfriend: {laughing} Those crazy bikini-clad girls. When will they ever learn?
I hope you find these changes to be satisfactory.
On a different note, the family can’t wait for you to be better and get out of hospital. Mom, in particular, is worried if you stay in too long, someone else might come along and take your place in the family. Also, thanks for comparing my writing to the fantastic writers of B.C. or The Lockhorns. I can only wish my writing can be as good as that. They are an inspiration for me.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
If had a horse that was nice to me and then it got upset when I left and decided to be mean, then I would be afraid to leave. Even if I had to go potty, I would think, “Are the horses going to be mean when I get back?” I might wet my pants. The horses still sound scary to me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
shannon, don't bother w/ the empty threats, u an' i both know u will nevah get a "roket." ur mom duzn't even want u 2 have a imaginary apartment. no way she is gonna let u have a super soaker let alone a "roket."
can't blame u 4 grabbing no's buns tho, they r my-t fine.
becks
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