April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I Guess I'm a Horse Shouter Now

Well, I guess I'm not such a natural w/the animals after all. After I cleaned myself up the other day after my lil accident w/the horse poop, I went in2 the stable 2 give hay 2 that horse who'd laffed @ me. I was all, "OK, Grass Grinder. Just b-cuz I'm a city kid, don't start thinking U're smarter than I am." Then I opened the gate 2 the stall, an' the horse bunted me w/its head (so its head actually said "BUNT!") 2 get by me, and then went running out in2 the pasture. I shouted, "W8! Come back here! That's it, Tawny! --U don't get 2 go 4 a run 2day!!!" Which was pretty st00pid of me, cuz obvs Tawny was already getting a run. And I h8 how much I acted like Mom, squeezing my eyez shut, opening my mouth hella wide, and yelling @ a horse! So I guess I'm not much of a horse whisperer, like they all thot here last summer. I'm more like a horse shouter. Boo.

Becks, soundz like U had a v. nice time w/that Nolan guy. I think he prolly likes U 4 U, which is v. cube!

Jeremy, Eva, Vicks, an' Gordie, hope no1 got hurt on yr dbl d8 last nite!



  • At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    If a horse can head bunt you, the nicest girl in Milborough, then I am definitely not going to be around horses. They are mean animals. Like you said, “Boo.” My mom says horses are a good therapy for special needs kids and she wants to take me horse-back riding. I tell mom, I know better, and I am not going. Boo on horses.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Another superb Blog entry. Your examination of intelligence versus animal instinct is excellent. You represent the intelligent city dweller. The horse, Tawny is pure animal instinct. To the casual reader, it may appear that animal instinct has won, since by using superiour force, the horse was able to head-bunt its way to freedom. However, the more sophisticated reader, as I am, was able to see that the horse is not truly free. Tawny has lost her rights to a supervised run. While you reached new heights of intelligence by reaching back to the supreme model of your mother, Tawny is betrayed by succumbing to her baser, more violent, head-bunting nature. Animal instinct cannot gain the freedom that can only be achieved by an intelligent thinker like you. This is a lesson everyone could stand to learn. The only way it would be improved is if Cousin Laura was accidentally splashed with the bucket of water and her clothes were stuck to her chest, I mean body. Otherwise, a superb effort. I look forward to reading more tomorrow.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the d8 w/vicks & gordie went pretty well 4 awhile. we went 2 the restaurant & the girls were talkin’, mainly ‘bout rebeccah, cuz she ended up @the empire hotel the same az us, & now she is a teen pop star, peeps talk ‘bout her a lot. she wuz w/sum guy i hadn’t seen b4. i guess since he iz blind he must have that superhearin’, like the blind kung fu fiters. i am pretty sure he heard evrythin’ eva & vicks were sayin’. gordie & i were tryin’ 2c the tv by the bar, cuz they had sports center on, & we cud c the hilites.

    aftah that, the girls wunted 2 take 1 of thoze romantic walks n the park. then ‘round a certain point, eva led me off 2 a secluded spot & vicks led gordie off 2 a secluded spot. eva sed, “u’ve been so good, jeremy. i’m gonna show u how bulldoggin’ bill got his nickname.” i wuzn’t sure wut wuz gonna happ. then eva bit my lower lip & i sed, “ow! wtf!” eva sed, “oh, sorry. i got a little xxcited. bulldoggin’ bill wud bite the lip of a bull. thass how he got his nickname. i thot u wud like it.” i sed, “my lip is bleedin’.”

    then we heard vicks say, “gordie durrocher. that bettah not b a sk8board u have n ur pants. don’t start thinkin’ ur smarter than i am.” then we heard a big “bunt” sound & vicks sed, “w8!! come back here! thass it gordie!- you don’t getta run the bases w/me.” so we ran ‘round ovah 2 vicks & there wuz gordie on his sk8board & vicks wuz v. upset. eva sed, “did gordie head-bunt u?” vicks sed, “no. a bunt iz when u kick out ur sk8board mid trick, & not land whatever trick u were trying.” eva sed, “do u want me 2 punch out gordie?” vicks sed, “no. u shud prolly take jeremy to hospital. he’s bleedin’ pretty heavy.” & i wuz. so went 2 hospital, & i gotta couple of stitches. my mom came 2 pick us up. she wuz not happy w/eva. she sed, “jeremy jones. if u wunted a gf u wuz gonna take u 2 hospital, u shoulda stuck w/becky mcguire or april patterson.” eva sed, “i didn’t know april wuz ur ex-gf.” my mom sed, “she wuzn’t.” & she told the whole story ‘bout the bicycle & the car & the “germy wormy jeremy jones” song. it wuz v.v. embarrassin’ 2 have mom tell it 2 eva. wen we got home, mom sed 2 eva, “i think u & jeremy need a little time off frum each othah.” eva sed, “i think ur rite.” it wuz a complete disaster. my lip hurts & i miss eva.

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    So me & Eva are @ Starbucks now, drowning r misery n some venti iced caramel lattes. Both r significant others ended up n the hospital, again. Dr. Klebridge-Fingernagel sez Gordie's gonna b OK, so long as he doesn't mind staying off solid foods 4 another 6 weeks.

    Eva's been telling me how a sk8board is totally like a gun. She's rite. You can wear'em on your hip n a holster--altho it better b a big holster or the sk8board outta b foldable--& they're always ready 4 action. @ least she doesn't mind that I'm typing all this on my Sidekick.


  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Whoa--so the horse was named Tawny, like Tawny Kitaen from the Whitesnake videos? I've gotta force myself not 2 do cartwheels on praked cars, yikes.


  • At 3:08 PM, Anonymous gordie durrocher said…

    U serious, Vicks? :-O Because...u did gymnastics n grade school, u told me once.

  • At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I think Tawny is from The Tiny, Tawny Kitten or The Tawny, Scrawny, Lion. They are two of my favourite books Justin reads to me. I asked my mom if Tawny Kitaen, was another way to spell Tawny Kitten and she said no. Then she asked me who told me about Tawny Kitaen. Mom is always interested when people tell me new things. She keeps a list of all the smart people I know. You are now on my mom's smart people list, Vicki. Isn't that great? My mom thinks you are smart.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, wow, it was nice of u 2 stay that stuff abt intelligence, when i feel so st00pid abt what happed. laura has a message 2 u. it's "ew, stop it michael, u make me sick!"

    vicks, shannon, yup, the horse's name is tawny. i don't know who they named her after, tho.

    and uh-oh, vicks, i think yr mom is gonna get an angry call fr. shannon's mom, where she accusez u of being a bad influence. apparently, mrs. lake does this on a semi-reg basis.

    i m sorry 2 hear abt yr injuriez, jeremy and gordie. u'll b glad 2 hear ger was released, tho. he sez, "april-flower, i am better than new, and anxiously await yr return, as alwayz!"

    eva, boyz don't like being bitten like that!


  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger howard said…


    We had an interesting evening today. Marjee Mahaha and I had just finished working at Sugar’s Salon, when Becky came running up to me and said, “Howie! Quick! I need your help!” I said, “What’s the problem?” Becky said, “I rode Freyfaxi over to my mom’s bakery and No was standing out front.” Marjee said, “No what?” Becky said, “No the intern.” Marjee said, “No. I don’t know the intern.” Becky said, “Not k-n-o-w the intern. N-o the intern.” Marjee said, “None of those choices make sense.” Becky said, “No. It’s No of those choices, not None.” I said, “Becky, perhaps you should refer to him as Nolan.” Becky said, “I wouldn’t have to do that at all if my half-sis wasn’t so dense.”

    Marjee got upset and I said, “Why don’t you tell me what happened with Nolan the intern standing out front of your mother, Krystle’s bakery.” Becky said, “Right. I rode up on Freyfaxi and I said, ‘Whoa! Freyfaxi.’ Then Nolan recognized my voice, and he said, ‘Becky, is that you?’ I said, ‘Yes. I just rode up on Freyfaxi, my dog.’ Nolan said, ‘You have a dog big enough to ride?’ And I said, ‘Yes. Do you want to ride him? ‘ Nolan said, ‘Yes, please.’ So, I helped Nolan get on Freyfaxi and I was about to get on Freyfaxi myself when Freyfaxi pushed his head against me and made a ‘BUNT’ sound.” Marjee said, “BUNT? Like a soft hit to the ball in baseball or softball?” Becky said, “No. BUNT, like when a dog pushes you out of the way with his head.” Marjee said, “Don’t you mean BUTT?” Becky said, “Marjee. Don’t be so crude. No it was BUNT.” I said, “Becky, perhaps you should tell us what happened next.” Becky said, “I wouldn’t have to do that at all if my half-sis had a decent vocabulary.”

    Marjee got upset and I said, “So, Nolan is on Freyfaxi and Freyfaxi pushes you with his head. Where are they now?” Becky said, “That’s why I came over here to get your help. Freyfaxi ran off with Nolan on his back.” I said, “Freyfaxi is a good dog. Nolan is perfectly safe as long as Freyfaxi doesn’t decide to scratch himself, or roll over or swim underwater in the Milborough River.” Becky said, “Howie!! We have to help Nolan.”

    We started off to the park, which is one of Freyfaxi’s favourite places to go, and sure enough, Freyfaxi was bounding around the park chasing squirrels, when we caught up to him. Nolan was still on his back. We got him off Freyfaxi and he said, “Becky. That was quite a ride. But this is definitely not a dog.” Becky said, “Freyfaxi is too a dog. Are you calling me a liar, Nolan?” I said, “Sorry, Nolan. It’s a dog, even though Becky treats him like he is a horse.” Nolan said, “I may be blind, but I can feel an animal and tell what it is.” He felt Freyfaxi and said, “The nose on this animal is far too large to be a dog’s. The hinge of his jaw is too far back on his head to be a dog, or even a horse. It is more like a hippopotamus or an alligator. Sometimes his eyes are there and other times they are not. The overall head shape is not dog-like but more like a giant rat or just a large furry geometric shape. Sometimes when I was riding him, it seems like he wasn’t even touching the ground, but hovering in the air. Not only that, but this animal laughs at people and his tongue sticks out of his mouth and wiggles back and forth spraying saliva everywhere. And I don’t want to tell what I think he was doing with a water sprinkler we passed over.” Becky, Marjee and I said, “Ew!”

    Becky said, “Oh, Nolan. I am so sorry about that. What can I do to make it up to you?” Nolan said, “The Tokai String Quartet is performing at the Toronto Summer Music Festival and I was planning to go. Would you come with me?” Becky said, “Are you sure you can get a ticket for me at the last minute?” Nolan said, “You don’t go to many classical music concerts do you?” Becky said, “Only the ones Howie is in.” Nolan said, “Howie. I think Becky’s mom has mentioned you, but not about performing music.” I said, “I performed at the Valhalla most recently but before my legal difficulties I was performing with the Milborugh Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera company.” Nolan laughed and said, “Now there’s a niche group.” I said, “Yes. Niche. Yes.” Marjee Mahaha said, “Becky says she would love to go.” Becky said, “Marjee!” Marjee said, “You don’t want to insult a man who just endured riding on Freyfaxi when he was with a water sprinkler.” Becky had to agree with that, so she accepted the invitation.

    We left for Becky’s house and the whole time she was changing clothes for Nolan she was saying, “What should I wear? Little black dress? Something to show off my boobs? Something to show off my legs?” I said, “To be bunt, you should concentrate more on your perfume and make sure your dress is soft to the touch.” Becky said, “You mean blunt, not bunt.” I said, “Oh, right.” After Nolan’s car came, Becky left and she looked quite lovely, and she smelled pretty good too. Marjee said, “At last she’s gone. We need to lift weights and then you can play with my bunt.”

    I thought you might find the story interesting, considering your horse experience.

    Howard K.

  • At 8:34 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, just 2 let u know. ur rite, boyz don't like b-ing bitten, but lite nibbling iz not 2 bad. & sharp fingernailz across the back or head, wen ur gf iz holdin’ u close r not 2 bad either. i like kissin’, but i think it’s gonna b awhile b4 i can do that again. the doc sed i hadda eat soft foods & liquids 4 awhile. wen i told vicki that she wuz rilly xxcited, cuz it meanz gordie & i hafta eat the same kinda stuff. so thass y we r ovah @ vicks place 2nite. vicki made gordie & me sum jello, & puddin’ & soup w/no salt. gordie & i can’t do a lotta talkin’, which iz ok, cuz we prolly wudn’t neway. we’re watchin’ a dvd of lords of dogtown, gordie’s favrite movie. eva & vicks r talkin’ a lot ‘bout the biracial thing they have n common, & cowboys & shoppin’. it’s a good thing i have alreddy seen this movie, so i don’t hafta hear it 2 know wut happs.

  • At 8:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 sharing that story, howard. 4 a dog, freyfaxi's v. horselike, eh?


  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    I was thinking the same thing about Mrs. Lake's list, Apes! Scaree. No offense, Shannon.

    Oh, & Shannon, if u wanna know more about anything we talk about on this blog, just go 2 Google or Jeeves--Justin won't mind. Do what Dr. P. would do & steer clear of those "ugly" web sites that make "terrible information available," tho...lol

    So yeah, Gordie & Eva & Jeremy r hanging here. When me & Eva were out earlier, she had on jeans & a t-shirt, but now she's all dressed like a crazy homeless person, wearing all these scarves & like 2 or 3 ankle-length skirts. When I asked her what the deal was with her outfit--or outfits, really--she sed she's trying 2 follow n the footsteps of her favourite tambourine player, Stevie Nicks. Better her than Davy Jones, I figure.

    Movies r good 2nite since Gordie still can't talk ezily. We're gonna put n "Gleaming the Cube" next. My mom rocks, she's made 2 grocery store trips 2 get more Jello, Cool Whip & Soup at Hand. I asked if it was a prob, but she sed no bcause she's been getting the munchies 2. There's this weird smell coming from her study, I don't know if that has anything 2 do w/it.


  • At 11:10 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, sorry 2 hear abt the horse @ least it wasnt a goat. Bucks w/ horns r real nasty.

    Im @ the Terror Lake General Store I bot 15 min of dialup time the pages take 4evah 2 load. I checked my email 4 msgs fr Zed that took like 10 min & now Im here. Almost outta time. I dont think my dad shld of bot the cottage from Arnes friend w/o c-ing it 1st. It looked ok when we were all there 4 that weekend but


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