April's Real Blog

Monday, August 14, 2006

Horses laff @ misfortune of others!

Well, I have a farm story 4 U all, tho I have a feeling U R gonna wish I were writing abt Mom organizing her spices in order of how much she uses them in her burnt-butt casseroles or Dad sewing train coziez. So I was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, a pair of real-deal shizz-kicker boots, and I was in the stable all set to shovel out the stalls, like Auntie Bev an' Unk Danny had asked me 2 do. Aunt Bev was all, "U're OK shovelling out the stallz, April?" And I pretty much wanted 2 say, "No! Ew!" But I wanted 2 have a gd attitude, esp. w/animal tasks, so I was all, "Sure! I'm plugged in2 my tunes!" Bev was like, "That meanz U can't hear NEthing." And I was all, "I hear what need 2 hear, Auntie Bev!" So I'm grimmacing while shoveling a heavy pile of horsey poo in2 the poo-wagon, when sum prankster @ foot level yells out "Trip!" And I do. And as I was midair, w/my bangz flying 2 one side, I had a weird feeling that I looked like Liz. And then I landed. W/my hands & forearms in the stinking manure. And the horse, like, laffed @ me, all "Snort! WHEEAAH!" And I was all, "I heard that!" L8r, when I asked what kinda sadistic horses find humour in others' misfortune like that, Uncle Danny was all, "Lighten up, they just like sum good old-fashioned slapstick! Be happy they don't know how 2 pun!" And I had 2 admit he had a point there! I wish I knew who played that trick on me, yellin' "Trip" @ my feet!

Well, doodz, if U R all suddenly gonna start reporting that U've recently found yrself w/yr hands an' forearmz in poo of various kindz, U have my sincerest condolences. I don't wish that on NE1, yo, xxcept mayB Anthony. Unless he'z, like, in2 that kinda thing!



  • At 8:14 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    That is very interesting, I had almost the same exact thing happen to me yesterday when I went to visit Anthony in the hospital. I was not wearing headphones or "shizz-kicker boots" whatever those are, I had on my newest Sensible Schoolmarm outfit with a conservative pair of pumps. Well when I was walking into his room, I suddenly heard someone yell "Trip!" it sounded like it was coming from near the floor, and I tripped and flew forward. Unfortunately the nurse was changing Anthony's bandages at the time and so he was naked. My face landed right in his unmentionable man place and I was so embarrassed, I was sure I had probably hurt Anthony too because he kind of moaned and the area seemed to swell up but then he told me it was okay and I was relieved. Then Anthony said "Since your virtue has been compromised it is only fair for me to offer to marry you, I know you've never seen a (manly part) before, since you're so pure you even had separate bedrooms with your live-in boyfriend, my lovely Liz." He did not say "manly part" though, he said something that is technically the right medical word for the part but which is too graphic for a minor to hear. I thought this was very thoughtful of Anthony but I told him it wasn't necessary because what happened was totally an accident, he seemed to be almost disappointed, isn't that sweet?

    It turned out not to be a mystery what tripped me, there was some of that clear fishing line stretched out across the room down at ankle height. By some prankster I guess, but I'm still not sure who yelled "Trip!" though, I didn't see a prankster in the room.


  • At 10:00 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ninose (aunt), your ninzhishe (uncle), the moowan (manure), and the bezhigooganzhiig (horse). I am glad the only thing injured was your pride. In a barn, there are many sharp things you can fall on, which would injure you. Perhaps the next time you are shoveling out the stalls, you will take your ninose (aunt’s) advice. I know it sounds strange to trip because you cannot hear, but something like that happened to me just yesterday.

    I was in Nipigon, doing police work for the 22nd annual Nipigon fishing competition. Afterwards, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, invited me to a friend’s house of hers who lived in Nipigon, to use her spa. I was changing out of my uniform and into a swimming suit, when I heard Chipper’s voice on the other side of the changing room. She said, “Are you ready, Suds (her nickname for me)?” I said, “I am still changing.” Chipper said, “I can’t hear you. Are you in your swim suit or are you naked?” I said, “I am naked.” But Chipper couldn’t hear me through the door again, because she said, “That sounded like you said you are in your swim suit, so I am coming in.” I said, “Don’t come in. I am naked. Naked!” But Chipper came in the door, took one look at me naked, and tripped over a bump in the rug on the floor of the changing room. Then some prankster at foot level yelled out "Trip!" I didn’t see the bump or see the prankster, but Chipper told me the bump was there. She didn’t see the prankster either. It didn’t matter, because after that, everything was tangled up. Chipper’s arms and legs and my arms and legs were all tangled up in the rug. It took about 30 minutes to get untangled and we were lucky no one got hurt. Afterwards, Chipper said, “Sorry Suds. I couldn’t hear you clearly, so I tripped on the bump in the rug. I don’t know who yelled out ‘Trip!’” So you see, April. Those kinds of trips can happen, when you can't hear clearly.

    I thought it was a funny story, so when I had my usual 10 pm phone conversation with your sister, I tried to tell the story to her. She said, “I heard that already. Susan Dokis is clumsy. Now I have a much better story to tell you about my friend, Anthony, and those horrible hospital workers, who stretched clear fishing line out across his room down at ankle height. They are trying to get Anthony to re-injure himself, so he will stay in hospital. And I learned about another part of Anthony that reminds me of my noos (dad).” I said, “What was that?” Then my sweet girl paused for a long time like she was thinking and then she said, “He is thoughtful, just like my noos (dad).” I said, “I’m glad your friend Anthony is thoughtful.” My sweet girl is such a giving woman. It sounds like hospitals in Milborough are a little dangerous, unless people are watching out for the patients there. I’m glad my sweet girl is helping out her friend Anthony so he can get better. I can’t wait for him to get out of hospital, so your sister doesn’t have to visit him every day.

    I hope you are still enjoying Manitoba, even though you fell in horse manure.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:04 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I know just how you feel. During my days of working in the circus, it was sometimes my dubious honour to be assigned to clean up after the elephants. There was nothing worse than hearing some prankster at foot level yelling out "Trip!" and then tripping and falling into the accumulated elephants’ feces. Usually the circus workers had to offer you a rope to pull you out of the stuff. But the worst part of it was the elephants. They thought it was the funniest thing, when someone fell in their feces. Their trumpeting would sound like laughter. And it was so embarrassing to be taunted by elephants. I would look at them straight in the eye to try to challenge their authority, but I all could hear in their trumpeting was this phrase ringing in my ears, “If you don’t listen, you’re in the poop.”

    Now that I think clearly about all this, it seems somewhat surreal. Maybe I am just thinking about a dream I had once, when I was working in the circus. Or maybe the fumes from the elephants’ poop somehow affected my brain. Have you experienced hallucinations from horse poop before?

    Howard K.

  • At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I am so proud of you. Not only did you have a story about the farm life in Winnipeg, but you used a story with 3 elements that are superb. (1) You presented yourself as the obnoxious city girl that needs to be humiliated, because she does not heed her older sage aunt’s advice. This is definitely playing against type, since you are a Patterson, and are the last person who needs to be humiliated. (2) You have a poop joke. Nothing sells a story like the mention of defecation. There’s nothing funnier, except maybe fert jokes. (3) You have included the supernatural element of the mysterious prankster and the laughing horse, which symbolized the evil of your own personal demons defeated by your smelly self-abasement. Excellent writing, little sis. I can't wait to read what you write tomorrow.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I hate it when people make fun of me when I do something not as good as other people. My brother Blair tries to protect me from people who do that. He says, “She’s special needs! Don’t pick on her!” But I have never had a horse make fun of me or an invisible prankster yell “Trip!” at me. I don’t know what Blair would do if an invisible prankster yelled “Trip!” at me or a horse made fun of me. I think he would be too surprised to do anything. I think I would be scared of the horse and nervous I couldn’t see the prankster. Are you sure you want to be a horse whisperer, April? They sound like mean animals. And they hang around with invisible pranksters.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:13 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, we r @the hair salon. eva came n w/me & showed marjee mahaha a picture of bulldoggin' bill pickett, the old rodeo star. she wunts my hair colour 2b like hiz. then eva hadda leave so i cud take off my ski cap & not b attacked. while marjee wuz doin’ my hair, howeird came ovah & sed rilly soft, “now can u make him so he looks 15 & not 40?” marjee sed rilly soft, “i’m a stylist, not a plastic surgeon, howie.” i sed, “i heard that!” marjee sed, “sorry, jeremy. u know i like the oldah man look, but i will c if i can help u look a little younger.” sumtymez i wondah ‘bout howie & marjee. i had stuff on my head 2 dye my hair, but that duzn’t mean i can’t hear nething. wen ur old, u get v.v. strange ideaz ‘bout hearin’.

  • At 11:12 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg, that's so weird! this weekend i just hung out at my house w/ all my new boy toys. i wuz lying on this kind of lily pad thing by the pool an' the boy toys were all w8ing on me hand an' foot spritzing me w/ water 2 cool me down an' getting me icy drinks an' putting suntan lotion on me an' putting tunes on the stereo an' rubbing my feet an' whatever.

    well then my morning bf, can't remember his name, he came out of the house an' sed he couldn't find where i keep the rose an' sandalwood massage oil. all he could find wuz ylang-ylang an' i totally wuzn't in the mood 4 that. so cuz my morning bf is totally incompetent i had 2 get up an' trek across the lawn 2 help him out.

    as i wuz going it wuz hard 2 hear cuz my afternoon bf had the stereo turned up 2 loud. i'm going along an' all of a sudden frum down near the ground i hear sum1 say "trip!" an' suddenly i trip over my jeweled flip-flops an' i'm like flying across the yard. i fell in2 a giant pile of freyfaxi poop!! omg it wuz so gross, it wrecked my new white maillot an' my new white sarong that i got especially 2 make mrs. forsythe jellus when i go ovah 2 her house 2 make out w/ gb this afternoon.

    ugh, it wuz nasty. i started yelling at the understudy boy toys cuz it's their job 2 scoop the poop when howie is buzy. 4tunately, howie wuz there 2 wash my new outfit, i hope he gets the stains out.

    i don't know what kind of sick joke that wuz but i totally "fired" the shortest boytoy, i figure it had 2 b him.

    btw, i met sum1 v. interesting at mom's bakery this weekend. remind me 2 tell u all abt it.


  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous gordie durrocher said…

    Yo Jeremy, Vicks sed it'd be cool 2 hang w/u & Eva. She also sed it'd b cute if u & Eva got coordinating hair colours. The only thing is that I'm on a liquid diet since my jaw's still wired shut from my last wipeout. Me & Malcolm were trying 2 nosegrind off this brokedown Pavo n the junkyard by Vicks' house. At least I didn't fall n2 ne horse or dog doo--just a lotta model train catalogs 2 kinda cushion my fall. So I can probably have a milkshake or something if food's part of the plan.

  • At 3:19 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yo, u know apes, u should try telling ur dad that u can judge a society by what it throws away, an' that the model train portion of society should know that catalogs r recyclable an' do not have 2 b thrown in a dump.

    sheesh. i alwayz make howie an' my boy toys recycle 4 me. us pop stars have 2 set a good xxample.

    oh, btw, i promised 2 tell u abt the interesting guy i met at the bakery on sunday. i went in there 2 help mom out, it's good 4 biz 4 me 2 b there sumtimez, peeps like 2 c the homegrown talent an' also it is good pr 4 me, it makes me look humble an' down 2 earth or sumthing.

    neway, mom has a intern, i guess she got him thru the hi school. did u know u can take accounting classes in high skool, an' there is a future businessperson's club an' everything? i totally don't know abt that nerd stuff but prolly u guyz do. neway, that is where mom got her intern. his name is nolan sears tho his friends call him "no."

    well i wuz working out frunt taking orders an' my pen ran out of ink so i went in the back 2 get a new 1 an' no is sitting at the desk an' i'm all like "hi" an' introduced myself an' no is like "it's nice 2 meet krystle's daughter, she's a really nice lady. she seems very motherly." well that let me know rite off that there wuz sumthing not rite abt no, cuz no1 who has c-n how mom dresses would call her "motherly."

    an' i wuz like "yeah, sure" an' then no wuz like "ur name is becky, rite?" an' i wuz all like "yeah, u've prolly heard it around school" an' no wuz like "no, ur mom told me her daughter becky wuz coming in2 work 2day. she wuz very xxcited about it. i guess u must b v. popular. she sed u b-ing here would rilly help bring in buziness."

    an' i wuz like "yeah, well, i m kind of well-known. i'm a singer. i had a national tour this summer." no wuz all like "really? wow, that's great, u must b v. talented." i wuz all like "u nevah herd of me?" an' he wuz like "i mostly listen 2 classical an' jazz." at 1st i wuz like "major nerd" but then he told me it's cuz he plays the piano an' that's the kind of stuff he plays, he even plays w/ a jazz band an' has done sum little classical concerts in toronto.

    so we talked abt music 4 awhile an' i started thinking hey he's pretty cute, an' i wuz flirting w/ him, kinda sticking out my chest, but he didn't seem 2 notice. so i thot he wuz just b-ing polite which is a big change frum the boy toyz who r alwayz staring at my chest. well then no sed "mayb u would like 2 go a concert w/ me next weekend, u mite like it. it's rachmaninoff. his music is v. passionate." then he wuz all like "i would b honored if u would b my date" which i wuz totally impressed by cuz the boy toyz r all like "yo becks, wanna go get a dubble-dubble at horny t's?" so i sed "that would b gr8." an' i wuz like "wow, since ur a senior, u prob have ur own car an' everything." an' he wuz like "umm, no," an' sounded all weird-like abt it. but then he sed "don't worry, i have a car service on retainer." i thot that sounded kewl, but he sed it kinda funny like it mite b a joke. then i gave him my digits.

    neway then mom came back an' yelled at me 4 abandoning her up frunt so i sed "talk 2 u l8r, no," an' went w/ mom up frunt. i told mom "no seems pretty cube 4 a math nerd" an' mom wuz like "don't even bother flirting w/ him, it's a waste of time. i tried it and let me tell u, when a man can't c ur rack, it's pointless." i wuz like "wtf, y couldn't he c my rack?" an' mom hit me ovah the hed an' wuz like "duh, he's blind, dummy! didn't u c the white cane?" an' i wuz all like "o, well, u alwayz have so many weird 'toys' around, i didn't realize that wuz his."

    now i'm kinda confused. he can't c i'm pretty an' he duzn't know i'm famous. y duz he want 2 d8 me then?


  • At 4:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    gordie, dude. wired shut jaw. thass gotta bite. sorry, i mean thass gotta stink. man, i don’t mean u stink cuz u can’t brush ur teeth or nething. neway. eva picked a hair colour 4 me this mornin’ 2 match this rodeo cowboy she likes, bulldoggin' bill pickett. i dunno if it’s colour-coordinated, but eva sez every colour goez w/her colour of white. i dunno wut eva haz n mind 4 the dubble-d8, only she sez we won’t b goin’ 2 sk8board n ne junkyards. she sez she & vicks will set it up & all we guyz hafta do bring ourselvez & our money. also, it’z a good idea 2 leave ur cell b-hind wen u r w/eva. she haz a thing ‘bout guys talkin’ on cells ‘round her. vicks can bring hers tho.

  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, peeps! thanx 4 all yr storiez abt pranksterz saying "trip" an' causing u 2 trip, an' also thoze of u who had falling-in2-poop storiez. i don't feel as bad now.

    funny, in my case i don't think not b-ing able 2 hear made me trip. it's more like the opp, like if only i'd had my music louder, i wdna heard that prankster going "trip", an' so i wdna tripped, u know?

    hm, becks, that nolan guy does sound interesting. i think josh the geek god has mentioned that businessperson's club b4. u r rite abt the choo-choo cataloguez. not cube 2 throw 'em out @ the dump.


  • At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    April, Vicks and I have a v. cube double date planned for me and Jeremy and Vicks and Gordie. Def no sk8boarding, Vicks doesn't want Gordie injured even more!

    Jeremy is looking very good w/his new hair colour, still hott, but not so sooper-hott that i can't keep offa him, eh?


  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky told you about the intern, Nolan Sears, who asked her out for a date. I was wondering when she would tell you about that story. She has been confusing her boytoys with the question, “Would you want to date me, if I weren’t famous or pretty?” Most of her boytoys usually say, “But you are famous and pretty. If you weren’t famous or pretty, you wouldn’t be Rebeccah.” You can’t really argue with that logic, but Becky is not satisfied with that answer. Or course I have told Becky, I would still want to be engaged to her, if she weren’t famous or pretty, but for some reason, I don’t count.

    On a completely different subject, Becky came by Sugar’s Salon this afternoon, where I work during the day, and said, “Howie. Did you get my new white maillot and my new white sarong clean from Freyfaxi’s poop stains?” I said, “Yes, Becky. They’re hanging to dry in the laundry room. I got them so white, if you turn out the lights, you can still see them in the dark.” Becky said, “I went to the laundry room and they were not there.” So, I asked Sugar for a little time off and we went back to the house. Sure enough, the new white maillot and the new white sarong were not there. And…I noticed my blonde wig was not there either. I said, “That’s odd. Why would someone take my blonde wig and your new white maillot and your new white sarong? Who’s been in the house lately that can even fit into your new white maillot and your new white sarong, and who is not already blonde?” Becky said, “My shortest boytoy. I fired him today for yelling ‘Trip!’ just before I fell into Freyfaxi’s poop.” I said, “All right. Why would your shortest boytoy take your new white maillot and your new white sarong and my blonde wig?” Becky said, “It’s obvious. If he can’t have me as a girlfriend, then he wants to be me. It makes perfect sense.” I said, “I’m glad that makes sense to you. I seems a little farfetched to me.” Becky said, “Says the man wearing a lime green dress with matching purse and shoes.” I said, “It’s one of my colours.” Becky said, “Howie. I told all my boytoys I had to have the afternoon free so I could wear my new white maillot and my new white sarong to make Mrs. Forsythe jealous when I go over to her house to make out w/ GB this afternoon.” I said, “GB?” Becky said, “Keep up, Howie. Gerald’s brother.” I said, “All right. You told your boytoys, you are going to kiss another boy. And this is related to your missing new white maillot and your new white sarong, how?” Becky said, “It’s obvious. The shortest boytoy I fired is probably over at the Forsythe house right now, pretending to be me.”

    I was skeptical that this was the case, until we got to the Forsythe house, and Mrs. Forsythe greeted us at the door with…”Why did you come out of the house, change your clothes and come back to the front door again?” Becky said, “The person who looks like me is an imposter.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “I feel so silly. I should have realized that. She was dressed so much better and wasn’t nearly as fat as you.” Becky was a little irritated with that answer. However I said, “Never mind that. Mrs. Forsythe, we have to stop the fake Becky before he does something with your son.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “My Gerald!!” Becky said, “No. His brother.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “Oh, him. Well, if you must. Be sure to walk and not run on the plastic.” We raced through the house to Gerald’s brother’s room, with Mrs. Forsythe yelling, “Walk! Walk!”

    We entered Gerald’s brother’s room and we were almost blinded by the glare off of the new white maillot and the new white sarong. Becky said, “Howie. That’s too white. I can’t even see what is going on.” So, I closed the door and the room was pitch black except for the illumination coming from the residual light reflecting off of the new white maillot and the new white sarong. Fortunately this was plenty of light to see clearly. As we feared Gerald’s brother was kissing and getting naked with Becky’s doppelganger. After the door was closed, he saw us and said, “Becky? How can there be two Becky’s? Do you have a twin sister? This is a dream come true.” Becky grabbed the wig from off the head of fake Becky and said, “No, you idiot. This is a guy, wearing my new white maillot and my new white sarong.” Gerald’s brother said, “What? I was about to have sex with a guy?” We heard a thud sound of something heavy falling outside the room. While we were distracted by the noise, Gerald’s brother punched the shortest boytoy in the stomach. While he was clutching his stomach, Becky whacked him across the head with a frying pan. I’m not sure where she was carrying that. The Becky double was unconscious. I said, “Do you want your new white maillot and your new white sarong back?” Becky said, “Howie, are you kidding? It’s all out of shape and ruined.” Quickly donning sunglasses to prepare us for the glare of the new white maillot and new white sarong in full light, we picked up the shortest boytoy, and carried him outside. On the way out we had to step over the prostrate form of Gerald, who had apparently been peeking in his brother’s room and the sight of the things in the room caused him to faint. He was writhing on the floor talking about the damage to his psychosexual self.

    Once outside, Becky said to Gerald’s brother, “How could you mistake a guy for me. I am famous and beautiful. He most definitely is not.” Gerald’s brother said, “The new white maillot and the new white sarong blinded me.” Becky turned on me and said, “This is all your fault, Howie. You shouldn’t have cleaned the new white maillot and the new white sarong to be so white.” I said, “But you wanted it white enough to make Mrs. Forsythe jealous.” Becky said, “Oh no. You are not blaming me. This is not my fault.” About this time, the shortest boytoy got up and started to make a run for it, but a prankster about foot level yelled, “Trip!” and the boytoy went facedown in the mud. Becky said, “Hum! I guess he wasn’t the prankster then.” Gerald’s brother said, “Are we still going to make out?” Becky said, “I don’t know if I’m in the mood any more.” I said, “I have to get back to the salon.” And that was where I left them.

    Howard K.

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, that xxplains y ger just sent me a txt saying he'z back in hospital! omg! but he sez he thinx it'll just b overnite. poor ger!


  • At 9:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, eva & i ended up goin’ in-line sk8in’ on the dubble d8 w/vicks & gordie. it wuz a compromize position 4 gordie, cuz he iz not allowed 2 have hiz sk8board, but he duzn’t wanna sit on his butt n a theatre 2c a movie. then aftah that, we hafta go 2 a nice restaurant 4 dinner, & gordie & i pay. thass the compromize position for eva & vicks.

    it’s kinda nice not b-ing attacked by eva since i got my hair dyed, but she iz runnin’ her hands thru my hair a lot. she sez, “u look just like bulldoggin' bill pickett. super hott. if ur good, 2nite i may show u how bulldoggin' bill got hiz nickname.” i sed, “it duzn’t involve actual bullz or dogz duz it?” eva laffed & sed, “jeremy jones. ur funny.” ‘course i wuz serious wen i asked it.

    vicks iz nervous ‘bout gordie on sk8s, & she haz been holdin’ his hand a lot ‘round the rink. i think she thinks if she iz holdin’ on2 him, then he won’t do nething st00pid & get hurt again. az 4 me, eva iz a lot bettah sk8er than i am. i tripped & fell a few tymez, & i cud swear i heard sum1 ‘round foot level say, “trip!” every tyme i fall. eva nevah laffs @me wen i fall, unlike sum horse u know. nstead she looks ‘round v.v. carefully, 2c if she can c where the person who sed, “trip!” is. i think if she findz him, she iz gonna punch him out.

    thass the d8, so far, but vicks, gordie or eva may have a diffrent view of it.

  • At 10:54 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg. well, after the ambulance came 2 take ger 2 the hospital, gb wuz all hot 2 make out. i wuz like "whatevs, it's better then hanging out w/ the boy toys, im sick of them" so we went back in gb's room. gb started saying the usual stuff abt how great my rack is, an' how lucky he is 2 b making out w/ a hott chik like me. well then he tried 2 grab my boobs an' i wuz all like turned off, i wuz like "geez would it kill u 2 try 2 b a gentleman 1ce in awhile? that's what i think is sexxxy." an' gb wuz like "sorry becky, yo, what i meant wuz, ur eyez look beautiful 2day, they, um, are so pretty i hardly notice ur boobs. now can i kiss u?" well as u mite have guessed that did not xxactly do it 4 me.

    then i started 2 wonder what i evah saw in gb. i realized it wuz just looks. i mean he is totally hot, but that's it. his personality sucks, he is rude an' crude an' mean. an' i realized that he duzn't care what i'm like on the inside, he just cares what i look like, an' that he can "get sum" frum me. then i thot abt how that's all the boy toys r in2 also, they just want me cuz i'm hot an' famous.

    suddenly i wuz all upset, an' i sed "gb, don't call me again. we r off." an' i stormed out of his house real fast, an' mrs. f wuz following me all the way 2 the door yelling sumthing like "u fat singing whore, ur supposed 2 walk on the plastic runner!" but i didn't even listen. i went str8 back 2 my house 2 the pool. all the boy toyz were lounging around drinking naked juice, there wuz dog poo all ovah the yard, no1 wuz doing their assigned duties. i just lost it i wuz like "u have 1 minute 2 b outta here b4 i sic the dogs on u!! get out!!" wow u should of c-n them scramble. i had 2 clarify an' tell the gay fan club boyz they could stay, rick, chip, an' dane have important work 2 do.

    then i went in2 my bungalow an' called up no. i asked him if he wanted 2 come ovah an' hang out in my hot tub w/ me. he sed no, he would prefer 2 take me out 2 dinner instead. he picked me up in a taxi, that wuz ok, an' he brot me red roses which wuz way cube. i left them w/ howie 2 put in sum water an' then we went out 4 dinner. now that the valhalla is gone the best place 2 eat is the empire hotel. i know howie h8s the place but i think the food is pretty good an' the atmosphere is rilly romantic. no even pulled out my chair 4 me. he wore a tie an' he paid 4 dinner 2. we talked a lot abt music an' he is v. cube.

    topics that did not come up:
    1. my fame
    2. my looks
    3. my pool
    4. my money
    5. my boobs
    6. my naked juice
    7. my roadside reputation

    i got a v. sweet goodnite kiss.

    now i m totally confused tho. y duz he want 2 go out w/ me if he's not interested in ne of those things i listed?



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