Security Cam
Dad called 2 ask Uncle Danny Y it mite B that the sprinkler cd B on an hour w/out getting the lawn v. wet. Unk Danny sed, "Hm, that soundz strange, John. But didn't April mention that U have security cams set up around yr house? MayB they cd help solve yr mystery." I heard that and asked what was up. Danny cupped the fone an' told me, so I accessed the cam archives remotely (Dunc and Josh the Geek God helped me set that up B4 I left 4 the farm). And as U can C fr. these screen capz, Eddie took a drink fr. the sprinkler an' then ended up taking a nap on it. (I wrote in the sound effects an' thots!) I called Dad back 2 tell him, and he was flabbergasted, as per usual.
Well, Laura wants 2 go swimsuit shopping, so gotta fly!
L8rz,
Apes
Well, Laura wants 2 go swimsuit shopping, so gotta fly!
L8rz,
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:01 AM
14 Comments:
At 7:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, Jeremy, my cowboy! I saw your questions about your hair colour, man. I would luv it if you stayed w/yr new bleached look, but you'd better not, because I can't control myself when you're like that. You just look too hott! Maybe you should stop by Sugar's salon and see if Marjee can help you get a semi-hott colour that I can see without jumping your bones!
Eva
At 9:57 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, by the strangest coincidence, when I went over to Becky's this morning to have breakfast with her and Howard, I saw that Freyfaxi was sleeping on top of a sprinkler! I went into Becky's bungalow, where Howard was making his famous Belgian waffles and eggs over easy, and told them what I'd just seen. I asked, "Isn't it odd for dogs to fall asleep on top of sprinklers?"
Howard said, "Apparently, it isn't that unusual in Milborough."
"Won't he prevent the lawn from being watered?"
"Obviously." Howard didn't seem overly concerned, though.
I asked, "Shouldn't we wake him up and get him off of the sprinkler to let the lawn have some water?"
Howard replied, "God, no, when Freyfaxi sleeps, you do not wake him up. Now, quit asking foolish questions and help us get the breakfast table set up."
I just thought you might want to know.
Oh, and Jeremy, definitely come by the salon tomorrow and we'll work on your hair colour.
Marjee
At 11:26 AM,
howard said…
April,
I woke this morning to an awful howling. I threw on my clothes and ran outside to see what the problem was. There was Krystle McGuire (Becky’s mom). Apparently she had gotten back from her vacation with Dr. Ted McCaulay. The source of the howling was Freyfaxi, Becky’s father’s giant dog, who has been staying with us. Freyfaxi was lying on top of one of those “attach-to-the-hose” sprinklers. I said to Krystle, “What happened?” Krystle said, “I thought the lawn looked a little dry, so I decided to water it with the sprinkler. The next thing you know, that horse-dog was on top of it straddling it and making noises. Have you been giving this dog water?” I said, “I think he is looking for some good loving and not some water.” Krystle said, “Howard. We can’t have the howling and a dog doing that with a sprinkler on our lawn. Do something about it.” So I went to the hose and turned off the water. I turned around and I was standing face-to-face with a big mouth full of teeth, all of them bared at me. I said, “Freyfaxi, we need to move the sprinkler to the back yard, so people can’t see you as well.” Freyfaxi continued growling. So, I turned on the sprinkler. Freyfaxi seemed to be happy with that until he realized I was running ahead of him to get the sprinkler. I grabbed the spraying sprinkler and made a wide circle around Freyfaxi who was headed right for me. Only nimble foot speed, the judicious application of narrow passageways to block Freyfaxi’s massive body, and the fact that Freyfaxi stopped chasing after me when I tossed the sprinkler in the back yard, saved me. He was still howling, and there was no chance of going back to sleep, so I started making breakfast. Marjee Mahaha was coming over and her favourites are Belgian waffles and eggs over easy.
While I was making them, Freyfaxi, gave out one last howl, and then passed out. Krystle said, “Typical guy.” And she left, because she had a sudden urge for a cigarette. About this time, Marjee Mahaha showed up and she helped me set up the breakfast table, and revealed that even though Freyfaxi was in the back yard he was still clearly visible. I played it coy with Marjee, but I eventually told Marjee what Freyfaxi had been doing with the sprinkler before he passed out. Marjee said, “I have a tub attachment that does the same thing.”
Becky woke up for breakfast and said, “Freyfaxi’s on the sprinkler, sleeping. Howie, did you sleep with Marjee, again? I thought I heard her howling.” I told her no, Marjee had just arrived. Then Becky said, “Why is Freyfaxi on the sprinkler?” At that moment, Becky’s mom Krystle came into the kitchen smoking a cigarette. Becky said, “Mom! No smoking inside my bungalow!”
And that was kind of how the morning went.
Howard K.
At 11:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos (father), the sprinkler, and your animoshish (dog), Edgar. It is one of the reasons that in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), where your sister used to live and in Otter County, where I live; there are laws against using certain kinds of sprinklers to water the lawn. Your sister may have told you about the animoshish (dogs), which wander all over Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) when she lived there. Those animoshish (dogs) prevent most people from watering their lawns, because they spend most of the time watering the animoshish (dogs) instead. The band council worried about water conservation, and so the sprinklers which the animoshish (dogs) liked were banned from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and Otter County. When I talked to your sister about your story, she said, “Shiimsa would never fall asleep on a sprinkler. She is too smart to do that. She’s a lot smarter than any stupid old animoshish (dog).”
I was thinking of Shiimsa today. I was put on police duty for the Nipigon 22nd annual fishing tournament. Each time I saw a fresh fish pulled out of the water by one of the expert fisherpersons, I said to myself, “Shiimsa would love it here with all the fresh fish.” Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, came down to Nipigon to spend some time with me, even though I was on duty. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). When you get off duty, I have a friend in town with a spa. There is nothing like relaxing after a hard day at work with water being pushed all over your body. It feels so good; I could sleep in a spa for an hour.” I said, “I don’t think you should go to sleep. You don’t want to accidentally drown.” Chipper said, “Are you interested in coming into the spa with me?” I said, “I am interested, but I did not bring a swim suit.” Chipper said, “I think I can find you something to wear, and if I can’t, you can always get in the spa naked.” I said, “Very funny, Chipper. It sounds great to me.” Chipper is a great girl, always thinking of ways around people’s problems.
I hope you are still enjoying Manitoba.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, this mornin’ eva came ovah. i sed, “aren’t u grounded?” eva sed, “mom & dad unnerstand i have a weakness 4 the bleached look, man. it’s not my fault. like an irresistible animal urge, like a dog wantin’ 2 get it on w/a sprinkler. just keep the ski cap on.” she hadda big stack of cowboy magazinez. she sed, “i wanna c which colour wud b best 4 my cowboy.” & she wud put a picture of a cowboy by my head & make sum notes. aftah she wuz done picking my new colour, she started makin’ brekkie. my mom woke up & sed, “eva, u didn’t spend the nite, did u? i thot i heard sum howlin’.” eva sed no & so did i. mom sed, “u came ovah 2 the house 2 make brekkie? i’m startin’ 2 get jealous of jeremy. jeremy, y r u wearin’ that ski cap?” & she took it off me. u can guess wut happed next.
i think eva haz a knot on her head frum where mom hit her w/the fryin’ pan. she’z lying on the chesterfield with an ice pack on her knot. i have my ski cap back on. & mom iz makin’ brekkie. she is sayin’, “i’m so sorry, eva. i didn’t know, cuz my son iz just like his father & duzn’t tell me mportant stuff.” ovah & ovah again. not a good way 2 start a day.
At 11:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I liked your screen caps with the sound effects and thoughts. It was very clever. My kids enjoyed it so much, they made me print it out and put in on the refrigerator. Just looking at old Edgar, made me wish my children and I and Dee were living in a big house with a big yard, so we would have the space for animals and sprinklers. The closest we have here is Melville Kelpfroth and he is not nearly as adorable as Edgar. I tried to imagine Melville sleeping on top of a sprinkler, but it is not the same. You’re lucky you get to live in Milborough, instead of wherever it is that I live near Toronto.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:57 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't have a dog because of my allergies. I wish I had a dog. I have decided that in my imaginary apartment, I will have a dog. He will be cute and cuddly. I wonder if he would like to sleep on top of a sprinkler? When mom and Blair and I were walking around Milborough this morning, we saw a lot of dogs sleeping on the lawns. Blair said, "It's sprinkler season." Mom said, "I'm glad we don't have a dog. Our lawn is nice and green." I said I would trade a brown lawn for a nice, wet dog. Blair and mom said, "Not with your allergies." You're lucky you don't have allergies, April.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, peeps! i went over 2 my friend steve'z farm this morning. he and his gf shirley were doing sum yardwork and his dad asked him 2 water the lawn. when their dog, sherman, saw the sprinkler, he ran away. i told him abt edgar sleeping on the sprinkler, & he thot that was v. strange. apparently, manitoba dogz do not like sprinklers.
howard, when u were a dog, did u ever want 2 sleep on a sprinkler?
shan, i guess the good thing abt yr imaginary dog is u don't hafta pooper-scooper its messes or worry abt it having an accident on yr carpet. or howling @ the moon.
jeremy, eva, i'm sorry 2 hear abt what happed w/jeremy's mom & the frying pan!
mike, i'm glad the littlez liked the screencapz!
apes
At 5:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You'll be happy to know I'm able to walk now without opening my sutures. Though her theraputic massages aren't really what I expected, Nurse Lovelace says I'm doing great.
So is Francoise. I guess she ate her head off all the while I've been in the hospital. The social worker says she's almost up to healthy weight for her age. Luckily the last time she was here ragging on me your mom stopped by for a visit. When she started in on me Miz P pointed out that I was a single dad and portion size and nutrition isn't the sort of thing men are good at, like yardwork or making train dioramas. The social worker blinked a few times and asked me who your mom was. That really got up your mom's nose. They started not-shouting at each other -- they both got really breathy and hissy and I couldn't catch too much of it from the bed. I think both Dee and April got mentioned, along with something about domestic violence causing brain damage and obsessive-compulsive interest in hobbies. After Miz P threatened her with a satiric pasting in the Milborough Gazette and Advertiser courtesy of Mike the social worker closed her briefcase and left, muttering something about how it's a "miracle that anyone in this clan lives to six."
I've got a bunch of court dates but I don't want to bore you with the details. My hair looks better now and I think the little scars in my face set off the poc-marks kind of nicely. If I had a tan instead of hospital face I'd look ruggedly handsome.
Anthony
At 5:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, anthony! just, omg! i can't believe my mom defending u like that, but then again, i so can.
liz, run!
apes
At 5:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. My children liked your screencaps so much; they would like to see more. Perhaps if you had some screencaps of Cousin Laura in her bathing suit, that would be good. They’ve never seen Cousin Laura before.
I got an emergency call from mom to prepare a satiric pasting in the Milborough Gazette and Advertiser of a social worker who was bothering Anthony Caine at hospital. She gave me all kinds of details on the social worker about how she had a piece of food caught between her teeth, talked on a cell phone ignoring the people around her, didn’t have her hair in a bun, had nose hair that wasn’t properly trimmed, and things like that. She also wanted me to point out that Anthony Caine was even more handsome and looked even more like Dad, than he did before his unfortunate accident, and he desperately needed a woman’s touch around his house to prevent being harassed by social workers. I said, “You want the stuff about Anthony in the Milborough Gazette and Advertiser too? Mom said, “Have the article ready, in case we need it. Otherwise, just send a copy to your sister.” I said, “I presume you mean Liz, and not April.” Mom said, “If Elizabeth keeps wasting her time, then April may have to be considered. We can’t have a handsome, hunk of man like Anthony Caine wandering around in Milborough unclaimed by a Patterson woman. There’s no telling what kind of woman he would marry next. He might marry a woman from the States.” Once again, mom has given me a great idea for an article. What would I do without her?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
You asked when I was a dog; did I ever want to sleep on a sprinkler? I probably would have, if I had been an outdoor dog like Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo. Even now, when I see Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo taking turns with the sprinkler; I have an urge to take a nap out there with them. During my month as a dog, it was colder outside and past the sprinkler season. I spent my napping time usually with Becky. She would snuggle with me a lot and stroke my fur. It was a great feeling. It’s kind of similar now, except when Becky lies down beside me napping, she usually says something like, “Howie. Can you go get me some more naked juice? My boyfriends just drank the last bottle.” Sometimes I think dogs have it pretty good.
Howard K.
At 6:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva’z feelin’ a little bettah, evn tho she still haz a knot on her head. we took a walk ‘round town, & had my ski cap on all the way over my hair. it protected me frum eva, but i got rilly tired of tellin’ peeps i didn’t have cancer or AIDS, altho i did get a free sympathy pie frum the becky’s mom’s bakery. while we were walkin’ ‘round, we saw officer luggsworth goin’ frum door 2 door. i sed, “officer luggsworth. wut’s goin’ on?” he said, “do either of u have dogs?” eva & i sed we didn’t. officer luggworth sed, “thass gud. the mboro city council called an emergency meetin’ 2 talk ‘bout the dog & sprinkler issue & they decided that the mboro police hazta make sure dogz stay off their sprinklers. the sight iz bringin’ down property valuez & the smell of wet dog fur iz becomin’ an odour problem.” then he sed, “sorry ‘bout u havin’ cancer, jeremy. i just heard.” i sed, “i do not have cancer. i accidentally bleached my hair, cuz i wuz tryin’ 2 bleach the image of elly & john patterson naked 2gethah outa my head.” officer luggsworth sed, “ur kiddin’.” i sed, “no. it’s true.” officer luggsworth sed, “let’s take a look” and he grabbed the ski cap off my head b4 i cud stop him. i yelled, “turn ur head, eva!” but it wuz 2 l8.
u can guess wut happed next 4 the most part. i did learn undah certain circumstances, eva can snap a pair of official mboro handcuffs like they are cheap plastic. i also learned wen sum1 iz up a tree & needz a ski cap, a law officer can put a rock nside a ski cap & throw it pretty far & pretty hard up a tree 4 the person up the tree 2 catch. i also learned officer luggsworth can admit wen he made a mistake, evn tho he iz pretty mad ‘bout sumthin’ that happed & he wunts 2 arrest sum1. aftah he left, eva sed 2 me, “we r goin’ 2 the hair salon & we r gonna b the 1st customerz there, man.” i’m thinkin’ ‘bout campin’ out there overnite.
At 7:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, omg, mom is crayzee. i don't understand y she thinx anthony is so gr8! an' i don't think lizzie'z wasting her time w/paul!
jeremy, eva, yikes!
howard, wow, i guess it's a good thing u r able 2 resist the urge 2 nap on a sprinkler w/apollo, zeus, an' freyfaxi!
apes
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