Yo, Liz they have APARTMENTS rite in GLENALLEN!
So, guess what? Liz called Mom all, "Hello, Mom? --I've been thinking about this new job and how close it will B 2 U guyz! And, I was wondering if...." And B4 she even finished, Mom was all, "I've already made up the guest bedroom, honey. We'd luv 2 have U move back home." Then after she hung up the phone, she poked Dad in the belly and sed "C? I told U we needed this house! We can't move 2 a smaller place yet." Mom looked v. triumphant. And Dad was, like, "I guess yr rite." He told me that his next thot was "Just when I thot we had empty nest insurance... I find out that we signed an open door policy!" I asked him what the fugg "empty nest insurance" is, but he just laffed and changed the subject. 2 trains. So U know I was outta there fast.
But Liz? Y? They do have apartments, rite in yr new school's nabe. U cd find 1 real close, where U don't even need 2 drive the 25 km, but can walk instead. AND have yr independence. Like, U know, have Paul over whenev U can and get lots of privacy and all. Dood, when I move out, I am so not looking back (like I'd have a choice NEway--as soon as I'm out my room will B full of plastic storage containers and plastic-storage-container cozies)!
NEway, I'm v. psyched that Dr. Strange was able 2 strike a compromise w/U-know-who up in Corbeil, so I can get outta the house 2 go 2 Vicki's end-of-summer party. That's gonna B so cube!
Apes
But Liz? Y? They do have apartments, rite in yr new school's nabe. U cd find 1 real close, where U don't even need 2 drive the 25 km, but can walk instead. AND have yr independence. Like, U know, have Paul over whenev U can and get lots of privacy and all. Dood, when I move out, I am so not looking back (like I'd have a choice NEway--as soon as I'm out my room will B full of plastic storage containers and plastic-storage-container cozies)!
NEway, I'm v. psyched that Dr. Strange was able 2 strike a compromise w/U-know-who up in Corbeil, so I can get outta the house 2 go 2 Vicki's end-of-summer party. That's gonna B so cube!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:55 AM
14 Comments:
At 9:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
DEAREST FAUSTUS,
WONDERFUL NEWS! I AM MOVING BACK TO MILBOROUGH. MY STUPID LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND IS HOT TO LET HER OLD BOYFRIEND GET INTO HER PANTS. I AM THE LUCKIEST CAT ALIVE!
JUST A FEW MORE DAYS UNTIL YOU AND I CAN MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE ANYTIME WE WANT!
LOVE, ANGRA MAINYU
At 9:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You don't understand, a woman needs to be close to her mother when she's a spinster, Moms are great for finding you husband material, just look at the big effort she put in with Paul, and how she's always encouraged me to keep thinking about Anthony even when he was married, thanks to her I have two husband prospects now, without her I would have zero. I know if I move in with her that fate will definitely make things happen the way they are supposed to happen, I believe in faith, and faith too.
I can't wait to come home, I am looking forward to how Mom is retired now so she will make homecooked dinners and do my laundry and give me her wise advice whenever and scoop the litterbox for me and everything, you and I can go back to just how things used to be, where we fight and I try to avoid doing the yard work that for some reason you get out of doing even though you are just a lazy teenager who does no work while I do hard work at the greenhouse every day, except now I am a teacher, it will be so fun!
I'm sure Paul will agree this is the best arrangement, it will be convenient if he comes to visit again because at Mom's house there will still be a guest bedroom, I usually only have a one-bedroom apartment.
Liz
At 10:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about the conversation with your ngashi (mother), your noos (father) and my sweet girl asking permission to move in your house. When I called your sister for our usual 10 pm phone conversation, she told me she couldn’t talk because she was getting mentally prepared for living in her (ngashi) mother’s house, where she yells if you spent too much time on the phone. She said I should check my e-mail instead. In the e-mail, there was a message from your sister saying: “Dear Paul-Some Good News and Some Bad News! The Good News is mom said I can move back into her house in Milborough. Imagine all the money I am going to save. From now until I see you at Christmas, the only driving I am going to have to do is to and from work, and an occasional visit to the car dealership to make sure my car is working properly and we have a future life together. The Bad News is mom is giving me the guest bedroom and not my old room, which April is in now. When I move in, I will see what I can do about that. 116 days until I see you again. Liz.”
I e-mailed back: Boozhoo (Hello), Elizabeth. When you move back into your ngashi (mother’s) house, are you going to keep your own separate phone line or e-mail? If I manage to get some of my coworkers to switch off their weekend or holiday time with me between now and Christmas, would I stay at your ngashi (mother’s) house or get a hotel room? Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!) Paul
Then your sister e-mailed back: “I need to limit our e-mail to once a day or less often. April and I will probably be sharing the computer after I move in. It is so much cheaper to only have one. I don’t like it when mom screams about the phone use, so I might keep my phone service. It is so expensive though. I am not sure about it. Don’t worry about the hotel room. Mom says she can set up a cot in the basement. It’s clean now. 115…no 116 days until I see you again. You see, with more than one e-mail a day, I am starting to lose count. It is better to stick with just once a day. Liz.”
Sometimes, when I read the e-mail from my sweet girl, I try to imagine the girl I fell in love with in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) writing them, but I cannot get the words and the image to work. I keep seeing a younger version of your sister.
I mentioned your sister’s move to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. I said, “It’s official, Chipper. Elizabeth is moving in with her ngashi (mother).” Chipper said, “Suds (her nickname for me). When you go and visit Elizabeth now, it will be just like the old days on the powwow trail with me.” I said, “How is that?” Chipper said, “When you try to get time alone with Elizabeth, you will have to ask permission from her ningitiziim (parents). If you want to sneak a kiss, you will have to make sure none of her family is watching. If you want to mazhiwe (have sex), you will have to sneak out in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep. You and Elizabeth will have so much fun pretending you’re oshkiniigiwin (teenagers) again.” I said, “I don’t think it’s going to be that bad.” Chipper said, “You’ve met her ningitiziim (parents). If they are paying for all her living expenses except for her car, then they will control her.” I said, “They are paying for her car too. They gave her the loan.” Chipper laughed and said, “They own her completely then. If you want any loving, Suds, you would be better off coming to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and petting one of the stray dogs around here. You will get more loving that way and you won’t have to ask the dog’s ningitiziim (parents) for permission.” I said, “It’s not that bad, Chipper.” Chipper said, “Elizabeth will be good for remembering your oshkiniigiwin (teenage) years. If you want to remember what it is like to talk to a grown woman who lives on her own, you can come visit me. You are welcome anytime.” Chipper is very generous. If I can’t get anyone to switch off work time with me for Labour Day weekend, then I may go up and visit her. She lives so close, I don’t even have to take time off from work to visit her. I wonder why I didn’t do that when your sister lived in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I don’t remember. That time seems so long ago now.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
I forgot this before but there are four bedrooms in my parents' house, there is actually a floor plan on the family website, I totally forgot that us kids used to all have our own rooms so that makes four. I am in the guest room, if you come visit you can stay in April's old room, right now there is no bed there, but Mom will put a cot in there, you will love it, even though it's pink.
I don't understand why Susan thinks we would do naughty s-e-x stuff, especially not when I live with my parents, it's disrespectful to them.
I am going to keep my cell phone I think, but I will reduce the number of minutes on it, it's just so expensive, I can use my parents' phone for most calls, at least for the short ones, we can talk on my cell phone until I run out of minutes for the month. You would not believe how poor teachers are, it's disgraceful.
Liz
At 6:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, don't u make sumwhere between $40K and $60K? Last time I checked, that wasn't poverty, it was a good salary!
apes
At 6:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Guest bedroom. Very amusing. Can you believe you actually rate above Liz?
As for poor dad, he is so involved in his train fantasies, he has not accounted for the Sobinski factor in home ownership. If mom moves to a small house, then Deanna and I would have to do holidays at the Sobinskis, because mom will not enough space for everyone.
You may remember the first Christmas after my daughter was born in 2002, we spent Christmas Eve and morning being tortured by Mira and Wilf giving us literally a carload of baby presents and lavishing attention on our baby. Then we spent Christmas dinner in Milborough, and mom demonstrated exactly how grandparents should act by spending her time cooking and criticizing grandpa Jim for feeding the dogs parts of Christmas dinner. After that horrible day, mom managed to convince Deanna’s parents to come to her house for every single holiday since then, but it was only because she had the space. I don’t know what could make mom give up the privilege of showing off proper grandmotherliness to Mira Sobinski year after year. It would certainly not be a house full of model trains.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, mike, u r probably rite abt the holiday factor!
apes
At 6:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I will live with my parents until I get my Toward Independent Living (TIL) certificate. Then I am going to be in a real apartment and not my imaginary apartment. And I am going to ask a boy out for a date and we will go back to my apartment and my parents can’t say a word about it.
My brother Blair can’t say a word about girls to my parents right now either. He spent a lot of money on some jewelry for your sister yesterday. He wanted an engagement ring, but the jeweler was all out. But then he suddenly decided he didn’t like your sister anymore. I don’t know what happened. Maybe he decided he preferred girls who don’t live with their parents. Your sister is too old for Blair anyway. He gave the jewelry to his girlfriend, Zapata. He said she was at Starbucks with a lot of other girls and they were doing a lot of crying and stabbing a picture of your sister with knives. Blair’s girlfriend liked the jewelry. Mom was mad at him for spending so much money on jewelry, but he couldn’t take the jewelry back to the store. The jeweler sold everything he had and then he closed the store, went on vacation and left a note that said, “No Returns” on the store window.
I told my mom and Blair about how your sister is moving back in with your mom. My mom asked me if your sister had a boyfriend, and I said yes. My mom said it confirmed what she had suspected about your sister when she worked for Lawrence Poirier for 2 summers. I asked mom what it was and she told me Lawrence Poirier was known for hiring only very happy people. I think that was what she said. I could be getting happy confused with some other word like playful or glad.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 6:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva’z ‘rents were so ticked off @eva 4 bringin’ dr. strange n2 solve the problem w/all the guyz & ur sis yestahday. she wuz grounded all day 2day. it wuz worth it. no offence 2 ur sis, but i saw her out n mboro 2day & she looked rilly old & frumpy 2 me. i usedta think she wuz pretty hott. eva iz a lot bettah lookin’. eva sez it’s cuz of the amulet dr. strange left me. she sed it will defend me against the patterson allure & i shud wear it all the tyme.
ur a patterson woman. i wondah how u will look 2 me. it’s kinda scary 2 think ‘bout. if icu @the party, will i think ur az pretty az i used 2? i hope so.
neway, i feel bettah ‘bout ur sis b-ing n town again than i wuz yestahday. i dunno how u feel ‘bout it. she can drive u places & stuff, but now she iz a teach n a local skool, she prolly wudn’t wanna take u ne place thass cube & she iz prolly gonna tell ur mom everythin’ u do. u shud prolly keep on tryin’ 2 get her 2 move 2 an apartment.
At 7:34 PM,
howard said…
April,
I don’t know about everyone else, but I still think your sister Elizabeth is beautiful. However, I am able to keep it under control today, whereas yesterday, I don’t know what I was doing.
Today I am cleaning up all the places where I wrote “Howard & Elizabeth Forever” or some variation of that phrase. There is not much I can do with the trees where I carved that into the bark. Also, Becky says that if our engagement is to survive, I have to have the tattoo removed. The tattoo removal guy in Milborough said he had enough people wanting tattoos removed after yesterday, to keep him busy for the next month.
The scariest thing was I found a couple of guys in my room wearing school marm outfits and wigs that look like your sister’s hairstyle. Apparently I did some things with them I don’t remember. I remember doing some things with your sister yesterday, which upon reflection are things your sister would never do, so I worry about that. The guys seemed to be pretty happy though. No potential boyfriends there. They are a couple who apparently enjoy costumes and threesomes.
At Sugar’s salon today, the run we had yesterday on women wanting their hair styled like your sister seems to be over. We had a lot of repeat business today, where the overwhelming theme seems to be hair styles your sister would not ever have. Most would call them stylish and modern, but as I said before, I still think your sister is very pretty.
Marjee Mahaha says I must be extra sensitive to the Patterson allure. I really don’t want to know what Marjee and I did yesterday. She is walking with a little limp today, and when she sits down, she sits on a fluffy pillow and she sits very slowly. I told her I was sorry if I may have hurt her, and she just smiles and says, “Howie. Don’t apologize. I set a lot of personal records yesterday, and there were a lot of them I thought I would never break.” I am afraid to ask what those records are.
Becky, on the other hand, is still mad at me. She has asked her father, Thorvald, about wergeld a few times. Unfortunately, her father, Thorvald McGuire had his moment of Patterson allure also, and he has spent the day over here, trying to remove “Thorvald Loves Elizabeth” from most of his axe handles. He also shaved those words into Freyfaxi’s fur, but he won’t admit to that.
On the other hand, the one person Becky is not mad at is her current love interest, Nolan Sears. Apparently when the Patterson allure hit, he ran straight into a brick wall, and spent most of the day unconscious. As Becky puts it, “Better asleep than chasing after a fat-assed spineless Patterson (no offence to your family intended).”
It’s been a better day than yesterday. The best thing about yesterday, is I now have a good understanding of why your sister’s boyfriend takes all the abuse she gives their relationship, and why Anthony Caine would destroy his marriage for it. It takes all the common sense and intelligence out of your head. Of course, now that your sister plans to move back into your parents’ house, I have to wonder if even a Patterson can be affected by Patterson allure. Could your mother’s allure be the reason why your sister is actually moving in? I have seen the way your mother is as a mother, and I would have to say, most sensible children would not want to come back. It’s something to think about when you get older, April.
Howard K.
At 7:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, no offense taken. i dunno abt my mom an' patterson allure. y wdn't it b richards allure? mayB that's y no1 goez nuts abt auntie bev?
shannon, by ne chance did yr mom use the word "gay"?
jeremy, is sure hope the amulet doesn't make u think i'm uggo or nething like that!!!
At 9:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
Good point about the Richards' allure. After all, no one seems to be nuts over your dad either, that I have noticed. Of course your Auntie Bev is pretty secluded on her farm, and the Patterson allure could be the reason. One thing that is for sure about your family, is the rules seem to change pretty often. After all, when I first met your sister, and she was showing off by running the heavy equipment at Lakeshore Landscaping without a licence, I never would have thought that a year later she would sleeping in the guest bedroom at your house full-time?
Howard K.
At 9:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think I have heard my mom use the word "gay" before. Or was it "gah"? I don't know. Sometimes words confuse me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i don't think u will ever b uggo. just like eva who iz lookin' ovah my shoulder rite now iz nevah gonna b nethin' but gorgeous. eva sez i needta tell her a few more thingz 'bout how she looks. talk l8er.
Post a Comment
<< Home