AWESOME
Did U know that looking inside of a living thing, that's been cut open 2 have surgery, is AWESOME! Yup, it's true! Y'see, Laura was driving me home fr. the vet clinic in her pickup truck, Schemp, and I was all, "I did it, Laura! I watched real surgery!" And Laura was all, "And U were a big help, 2. U monitored the patient's breathing, U got us stuff & U cleaned up afterwards!" I was like, "I actually looked inside a living thing--and U know what? --It was awesome. There's not much difference between operating on animals and operation on ppl, is there." (Statement, not question.) Laura was like "Ppl complain more." And I laffed, but NOT w/my tung stinking out, thank U v. much! Then I sed, "But when ppl R on the oper8ing table, under general anesthesia, they R not complaining either, eh?" And Laura was, like, "No, I guess not. So, what do U think Mom will make 4 dinner." I was like, "Probably cake." Laura sed, "Let's stop off @ the diner and get sum takeout in case that's true. Mom's cooking may kill me." And we both laffed w/our tungs not sticking out.
Becks, Howard, all I can say? Oh. My. God.
Apes
Becks, Howard, all I can say? Oh. My. God.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:02 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are the nicest girl in Milborough AND you got to watch real animal surgery AND you've operated on people!!!!!!!!! You must have, or you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between operating on animals and operating on people! Wow!!!! I am so proud to be your friend! I can't wait to tell mom! She always tells me if April does something interesting she wants to know about it! She has liked you ever since you helped me in the card shoppe last year! I am so excited!!!!!!
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The way you write with such wide-eyed innocence is marvelous. Start with mentioning the spilling of blood, then you move back from the fearsome event to the laconic view of you and Laura on the open prairie in Laura’s pickup truck, discussing the aftermath of the blood-letting. Laura, as the more experienced and manly one, admits to your part in the operation, while not taking away from her own complicity. Then you explore the consciousness of the whole event. You looked inside a living thing, truly looked inside it. Like a writer looks deep inside the core of the events that occur, only in your case a scalpel was involved. Then the discourse devolves into its most basic elements. If you cut into someone or something, it is still just cutting. A cold and brutal fact delivered by a babe-in-the-woods, being driven in a truck by someone who is an out-and-out babe. Then the capper, the coup-de-gras, the joke. Innocence corrupted portrayed by the callous humour. A pun would not have been appropriate here. Too funny. But the cold, hard, hard laughter of two animal surgery molls, laughing in the most inhuman and unhumourous fashion, without their tongues sticking out. Excellent writing, little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think you are going to be angry with me but I think you will see someday that I had no choice, I called up Paul and told him that my cousin Laura had done operations on people and she wasn't a doctor and wasn't that illegal and he said yes it is illegal and she could go to jail for it. So I looked up the Canadian Medical Association and the local authorities in Manitoba and reported her, it was the only responsible thing to do, it sounds like she was probably not doing a very good job and that's why all those patients were complaining, but that isn't surprising, she isn't a real doctor after all. Complaining is how you know you're doing a bad job, my students never complain about me for example, and I am sure Clover did not complain about how you monitored her breathing, you are smart. But Laura has crossed the line, she is my favorite cousin but I am worried she will someday kill someone doing that illegal surgery, and what if it is someone I really care about like you or Anthony?
So if the police show up today you should tell them whatever Laura told you about operating on people, you should cooperate with them or Paul says you can get in trouble too.
Liz
At 6:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
shan, i have never performed a surgery on ne1. i was just guessing. that's y i ended that sentence w/"is there". and, omigod, liz, laura has never performed surgery on humanz, either, she was just going on what she'z been told. she does know ppl who r surgeons. of course, she wasn't v. happy abt having 2 xxplain all that 2 the police officerz who came by 2day. liz, don't b surprised if u get in trub 4 doing a "false report".
apes
At 6:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister called me up at work today, which was unusual because she normally waits until she is done at work and before she goes to make dinner for her friend Anthony, who is still recovering from his accident, and Anthony’s daughter. I knew something was a problem. My sweet girl is very habitual with her phone calling.
She told me your nimisenh (cousin) Laura had done operations on people and she asked me if that was illegal. It is. Then I checked your writings and I saw you wrote about your nimisenh (cousin) comparing animal to human operations. I told my sweet girl you didn’t say specifically your nimisenh (cousin) had done human operations. Your sister said that like a good Patterson woman, you keep the most important things in your life concealed, but it was obvious to another Patterson woman that your nimisenh (cousin) had actually performed human surgeries. It is difficult to argue with your sister when she starts talking about how things are different for Pattersons, since I am not a Patterson, and I already know the ways of your family are a mystery to me. So, I gave my sweet girl the contact information for the Winnipeg Police Service.
I told Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper about it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), if you are smart, you will stay out of in-family fighting. If Elizabeth’s nimisenh (cousin) goes to jail because you helped Elizabeth, her family won’t blame Elizabeth. They will blame you, because you are a policeman and you should know better. You should call the Winnipeg Police Service up and tell them your girlfriend is completely irresponsible.” Chipper has such a good sense of humour. I knew she was joking about Elizabeth being irresponsible. However, I did call up the Winnipeg Police Service to find out what had happened to your nimisenh (cousin). The policeman who answered informed me he was aware of the complaint and he said the police in Winnipeg were about as likely to arrest a member of the Cruikshank or Patterson family in Winnipeg as they were to cut their own throats with a dull knife. After I asked him how often those dull knife suicides occur in the Winnipeg Police Service, the policemen said, “Don’t worry Constable. Nothing is going to happen, except a little visit to confirm it was a false report and then a little paperwork is going to be filed in the circular drawer.” It was a confusing conversation.
In any case, congratulations on getting through the spay surgery. From your writings it sounded like you could be considering becoming a people doctor in addition to thinking about being a veterinarian. If you choose to become a people doctor, maybe you can come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and work. All they have right now is the nurses’ station. Chipper says having their own doctor would be a good improvement to the town, so people don’t consider doing operations on people when it is too far to travel to Spruce Narrows for medical aid.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are missing a good birthday celebration for mom. We had to drive to Mississauga to get Liz for the celebration. I know Liz has her own car now, but mom didn’t want to take any chances she would skip. The whole way to Milborough, she was mumbling about, “Why did I thinking missing birthday celebrations was so important?”
Connie Poirier said she wasn’t going take the chance that mom would try to conceal the fact that she was having her 55th birthday today, like she did for her 50th birthday, so she had a billboard made that said, “Happy 55th Birthday, Elly!” and put it up in downtown Milborough. The billboard has a lot of pictures of mom with different coloured backgrounds. I will describe it to you, since you are out of town and it will probably be down by the time you get back from Winnipeg.
The upper left hand corner The background colour is pink and there are two pictures of mom in it. In the first picture, mom is laughing at something with her eyes closed, but you can tell she is just being nice, because her tongue is not sticking out of her mouth and she has a few fleas around the back of her head. The second picture is of mom smelling a big bouquet of flowers by shoving her face in the flowers.
The upper right hand corner The background colour is yellow and there are 3 pictures of mom. In the first one she is jumping up and down and waving at something, while she is wearing long pointed clown shoes. Mom was unhappy about that picture, because it made her torso look ½ the length of her legs. I think she is right about that, but I am not going to tell her I agree. The next picture is the one mom has on her time travel machine. The third picture is one of mom wearing a puffy shirt and squeezing her breast. Mom thinks it was when she was trying to impress upon a group of young women the importance of breast self-examination, but I don’t think anyone believes her. She looks a little too happy in the picture.
The bottom left hand corner The background colour is green and there are two pictures of mom in it. In the first picture, mom looks surprised at something. Mom said she couldn’t believe Connie would use a picture of her on one of her “the eyes and mouth try to get as far apart from each other as they can” days. Mom has fleas in hair again in this picture. I never realized how much of problem mom has with fleas until this moment. It comes from having dogs in the house, I guess. The second picture is of mom disco-dancing when she finally realized disco was a popular thing. I think the picture was taken sometime in the early 1990s.
The bottom right hand corner The background colour is blue and there are two pictures of mom in it. The first picture is the one mom had made when there was that lawsuit about Dad and his accident with the ear buds. In the picture, the music from the ear buds, so distressed mom it was like it sent an electric current through her hair and not only caused it to stick straight out, but the fleas in hair jumped out too. When Liz saw the picture, mom said, “This is how you’ll look when you hit 30 and you have no children.” Liz looks very concerned. The second picture is one of mom giving a lecture with her index finger outstretched to make a point. Mom says it is her favourite off all the pictures.
By the way, don’t forget to call mom and wish her happy birthday. Mom says you shouldn’t get so excited about doing surgeries that you forget who will be paying for your university education.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:40 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your excitement about your watching your first surgery reminds of the first time I saw an opera at the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera with Lawrence Poirier and Nick Brown. I remember saying to Lawrence, “I did it Lawrence! I watched real Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera!” I remember Lawrence saying, “And you were a big help, too.” I said, “How was I a help?” Lawrence said, “While you were monitoring the singers’ breathing, looking at your muscular body got us stiff, and you cleaned up afterwards!” I remember saying, “I actually looked inside a living thing performing opera-and you know what?- it was awe-inspiring.” Lawrence said, “Don’t you mean awesome?” I said, “No. That word is overused.” Then I said, “There’s not much difference between opera about animals and opera about people, is there.” Lawrence said, “Are you asking or are you telling?” I said, “Telling?” Lawrence said, “Good. People complain more about operatic bestiality then operatic homosexuality.” That was a good time. I miss spending time with Lawrence and Nick. Things have not been the same between us since I went after your sister last year.
We’ll talk later. Becky says she wants some more naked juice for Nolan, who is visiting tonight. I don’t know how she drinks that stuff so quickly. I could swear I bought a crate of it just yesterday.
Howard K.
At 7:56 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
Apes,
That is the ugliest billboard i ever saw. Huge pictures of ur mom boogie-ing looming over the downtown! The sooner that thing comes down, the better.
Fortunately, the mayor was on the news this evening saying the city council has voted to pass an ordinance banning posting any pictures of ur mom bigger than wallet size. I guess it's keeping the shoppers away 'n' stuff. He said sumthing about how this has done more 2 hurt the downtown than the malls did.
My 'rents were really cube about the damage 2 the house. They said they were just glad it wasn't a huge party. @ least a huge party would have been fun, tho.
Luann
At 8:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, duz this animal surgery mean, like ur career iz set? i know ur bro sed he wuz gonna b a writer & ur sis sed she wuz gonna teach skool since 4-evah & thass wut they did, so it’s kinda like a famly tradition or sumthin’. sumtymez i worry this vet thing iz not the best thing 4u. ur bro duz the writer stuff, but every tyme i read sumthin’ he rites, n 1 of hiz monthly letters or the stuff u quote, it’s awful. then there’z ur sis who duz the teach stuff. every tyme u rite ‘bout her job or she rites ‘bout her job, she iz kinda like, not v. good @it. it’s like they have the jobz they were trained 2 do, but sum1 else w/o the trainin’ iz doin’ the job, eh? so i gotta wonder, if u do the vet thing, ru gonna b the same way az ur bro & sis? i know ur 15 & most mboro girlz r gettin’ engaged or makin’ career decisionz (like rebeccah), but mebbe u shud think ‘bout wut u wanna do sum more, eh? eva’z lookin’ ovah my shouldah & she sez if sum1 triez 2 make u do the 1st career u think u mite like, u should punch them out. neway, i just thot i wud say, we wud like u, no mattah wut career u pick.
by the way, i dunno if u wanna know this or not, but moira kinney & beatrice alfarero got together a mob to take down ur mom's 55th birthday billboard. they sed the mayor wuz not actin' fast enuff. my guess iz by 2morrow, it won't be up nemore. my mom sed she wuz gonna help them & while she iz gone eva & i will have the house 2 ourselves. eva sed sumthin' 'bout how lookin' nside a living thing felt rilly awesome. i am lookin' 4ward 2 it.
At 8:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, y were u all celebr8ing mom's b-day so early? it isn't till saturday. c, i didn't 4get!
neway, it loox like steph the web designer put a pic of that b-bd up on the fam website, so i saw it. i'm glad i saw it as a smallish image on a computer screen instead of a huge sign.
luann, glad 2 hear u didn't get in2 big trub!
jeremy, i think if i d-cided being a vet wasn't the thing 4 me, that wd b ok. i don't feel like i hafta lock in2 my career now.
apes
At 8:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom’s birth date has changed often enough, so when she says today is her birthday, you just go along with it. I think mom is embarrassed you caught her error. So she has declared today and all through the weekend her birthday weekend. I think she wants gifts every day. You should be glad you’re in Winnipeg.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, i'm glad i'm in winni. i did order a gift 4 mom, but it's scheduled 2 b delivered saturday, being that that's her actual b-day & all, eh?
apes
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