Guest Blogger: Josef "Weed" Weeder
Hello, April's readers! It's Mike's friend Weed. As you might have noticed, Mike really harshes on his baby sister April when she uses anyone else's material in her blog entries. So Mike, man, lay off for this one, because I e-mailed April and asked her to let me post here!
So, you might have heard about John Patterson's speeding ticket not too long ago, when he was hot-rodding his "turbo" Crevasse stationwagon Dadmobile, trying to impress April's teenage-boy pals in the saddest possible way. And you might have thought this might have been a lesson to some other Pattersons. But if you had, you'd have been wrong, at least if the Patterson you had in mind was one Michael Patterson, my friend, neighbour, and former roommate.
So, here's what happened. As I rode shotgun, Mike was driving his little blue four-door vehicle, merrily talking about something, his accelerator foot becoming heavier and heavier the more animated he became. He was speeding along so fast the car hovered over the road in the most alarming way. And I couldn't even tell you what Mike was saying, because at a certain point I just sort of tuned him out, and what he said registered as "Yack yack yack yack"; "Yack, yack, yack, yack"; "Yack yack yack yack". Suddenly a cop, his car strategically hidden in speed-trap fashion, came wailing behind us. When Mike realized this, he said, "Uh oh." The cop pulled us over and asked the traditional question, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Mike replied, "Um...No. --I was talking and I guess I wasn't paying attention." The cop said, "The fine I could give you is $200.00, but I'll cut it in half since you admitted to speeding." Which isn't exactly true, but I wasn't about to argue. Mike looked as though he was thinking, "Gulp". Afterwards, Mike wailed, "A TICKET! Oh, cheeeze! This is the LAST thing I need!!!" April, what is it with your family and using "cheeze" as an exclamation? Weird. Well, in response, I told Mike, "Look at it this way, man... It's only 10 in the morning--and you've already made a hundred bucks!" Mike had one of those wide-eyed looks people in your family are always having in reaction to someone's comment. I think you've called it "gobsmacked", April.
Anyway, you might want to take this as a lesson. Pattersons should not try to talk and drive at the same time. They need to concentrate on driving. If you really need to talk, pull over to the shoulder, talk, and then pull back out into traffic only when you're finished with the talking and can put your full attention back into your driving.
That's my take, and I'm outta here
Weed
So, you might have heard about John Patterson's speeding ticket not too long ago, when he was hot-rodding his "turbo" Crevasse stationwagon Dadmobile, trying to impress April's teenage-boy pals in the saddest possible way. And you might have thought this might have been a lesson to some other Pattersons. But if you had, you'd have been wrong, at least if the Patterson you had in mind was one Michael Patterson, my friend, neighbour, and former roommate.
So, here's what happened. As I rode shotgun, Mike was driving his little blue four-door vehicle, merrily talking about something, his accelerator foot becoming heavier and heavier the more animated he became. He was speeding along so fast the car hovered over the road in the most alarming way. And I couldn't even tell you what Mike was saying, because at a certain point I just sort of tuned him out, and what he said registered as "Yack yack yack yack"; "Yack, yack, yack, yack"; "Yack yack yack yack". Suddenly a cop, his car strategically hidden in speed-trap fashion, came wailing behind us. When Mike realized this, he said, "Uh oh." The cop pulled us over and asked the traditional question, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Mike replied, "Um...No. --I was talking and I guess I wasn't paying attention." The cop said, "The fine I could give you is $200.00, but I'll cut it in half since you admitted to speeding." Which isn't exactly true, but I wasn't about to argue. Mike looked as though he was thinking, "Gulp". Afterwards, Mike wailed, "A TICKET! Oh, cheeeze! This is the LAST thing I need!!!" April, what is it with your family and using "cheeze" as an exclamation? Weird. Well, in response, I told Mike, "Look at it this way, man... It's only 10 in the morning--and you've already made a hundred bucks!" Mike had one of those wide-eyed looks people in your family are always having in reaction to someone's comment. I think you've called it "gobsmacked", April.
Anyway, you might want to take this as a lesson. Pattersons should not try to talk and drive at the same time. They need to concentrate on driving. If you really need to talk, pull over to the shoulder, talk, and then pull back out into traffic only when you're finished with the talking and can put your full attention back into your driving.
That's my take, and I'm outta here
Weed
posted by April Patterson @ 7:03 AM
13 Comments:
At 3:20 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Weed, y r Pattersons so lucky? Mikey gets a sweet deal $100.00 + a demerit point off aft he confessed if I dun what he did Id prolly have another court d8.
Hey, Apes, Im back @ the Terror Lake General Store on dialup man oh man I dunno if I can take another week of this u wldnt blieve what happened yester
At 4:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, i can't believe u got cut off again! can u call me an' tell me what happed? i guess no fone @ the cottage, boo!
apes
At 4:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dude, I know what you mean. I'm sure if it'd been me "yacking" and speeding, the copper would have tripled my fine and thrown me in jail! Pattersons always get off easy, it's not even funny!
Weed
At 4:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shhhhh, Weed! Ix-nay on the icket-tay. EE-day doesn't know!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry, dude, but maybe Dee won't have a chance to read your baby sister's blog, what with her role as a virtual single mom.
Weed
At 4:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hope you are right, my friend. Oh, hey, wait! No, it doesn't count because I feel guilt for the time I spend away from my dear wife, whom I chose well, and my daughter and son, who are changing every day. By experiencing guilt, I am instantly absolved!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your friend, Mr. Weeder’s writings about your nisayenh (brother) and his ticket for speeding. Since I have applied for a job transfer from Otter County to Toronto, in the Ontario Provincial Police, this means I hope to be moving to the Highway Safety Division from the Northwest Region. I have been trying to prepare myself for my new job. The next policeman who pulls your nisayenh (brother) over for speeding may be me.
I have learned about finding speeders with RADAR, LASER, and pacing. It sounds like your nisayenh (brother) got his speeding ticket from an officer using pacing. To receive a speeding ticket as a result of pacing means that your nisayenh (brother) wasn’t checking his mirrors frequently. Once an officer suspects you of speeding, he simply moves his car near yours, matches your speed, follows you a bit at the same distance and the checks his speedometer. Pacing is very accurate. In fact, of all the speed measuring devices, this once is the most difficult one to contend against. Being in Toronto and working for the OPP will be very different from what I do now, but it will be worth it, if I can live near my sweet girl.
In the case of your nisayenh (brother), a $200 fine means he was traveling about 28 km/hr over the posted speed limit. Usually 16 to 29 kilometers over the limit get you 3 demerit points, but the reduction to $100 will reduce the demerit points. Your friend Duncan is right about this. However $200 is the maximum. Motorists who plead guilty without going to court can escape with slightly reduced penalties. I think this is what your nisayenh (brother) may have done.
I spoke to my sweet girl about your nisayenh (brother’s) speeding and she said if I ever arrested him, I should call her and she would tell me what kind of fine he should get. I believe it depended on whether or not, he had recently called her LIzardbreath or not. I hope I do not ever arrest your nisayenh (brother) for speeding. I mentioned learning about speeding to Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), if you ever catch me speeding in Toronto, you are going to beg me to keep going faster and faster.” I told Chipper it didn’t sound very safe. Chipper said, “Suds. It won’t be very safe at all.” I hope I do not ever arrest Chipper for speeding.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
I have been thinking about this and I want to ask you, could you maybe call the policeman who gave Mike a ticket and ask him to cancel it? Mike called me this afternoon and he asked me if it was possible for you to do this, I said, I don't know, and he said he was desperate. Mike said that this ticket is the last thing he needs and I don't want to tell you what swear word he said but it's like what goes on top of your pizza. He said that this $100 ticket will blow their yearly budget, you have heard me talk about how poor Mike and Dee are, after all Mike is only a senior editor with freelance on the side and Dee is only a full-time pharmacist, they hardly have two nickels to rub together. Mike says if he has to pay this fine he will never be able to afford to buy a home of his own, or to quit his job to pursue freelance, or anything else, it's terrible. I think he was crying, and also I knew he was serious when he promised me if I helped him by talking to you he would never call me Lizardbreath again, so see, if you help Mike, you help me too.
I hope you will consider it, I will check this blog to see your answer when I get back from Anthony's house, I have to go visit him and his daughter Frannie.
Liz
At 6:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
that's sumthing i can nev understand abt mike an' dee, liz. senior editorz @ prestigious glossy magz an' full-time pharmacists make big buxx. how come they r poor?
apes
At 7:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
N’gwiinawenim giin gwanaaj bezhig (I miss you, beautiful one),
As you asked, I called the Toronto detachment for the Ontario Provincial Police and asked about canceling your nisayenh (brother’s) ticket for speeding. They asked me many questions about who I was and why I was asking for this. I told them I had applied to transfer to Toronto and as a favour to a fellow policeman and for my sweet girl who wanted it because her nisayenh (brother) could not afford to pay the fine. You will not believe this, but many of the officers in the OPP know about your nisayenh (brother) because they read his magazine Portrait Magazine and they read his weekly column. They asked me if I was the native policeman who was in love with your nisayenh (brother’s) nimis (sister). I said I was and asked them how they knew about this. Around January, this year, your nisayenh (brother’s) weekly column was about us and it mentioned how you rode in the helicopter with your ex-boyfriend. The policemen in the Toronto detachment thought this story was very funny and because it was about a member of the OPP, they clipped it out and put it on their bulletin board. They said they hoped I got my transfer soon so they could meet a constable who had his ninishiw (strength) removed by his girlfriend. They also said an editor for Portrait Magazine who had a weeky column could pay a $100 fine. I must not have said it well enough to convince them your nisayenh (brother) was poor. The arresting officer said your nisayenh (brother) was riding with his friend Josef Weeder, who is known in Toronto as the heir to the Weeder fortune. I said I didn’t know your nisayenh (brother’s) friend was rich. It was the first good thing I found out about the Toronto detachment of the OPP. They are very good at native humour. The bad thing is they would not cancel your nisayenh (brother’s) ticket.
Minjinawezi (Sorry)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
I checked this blog from Anthony's house and was surprised to see you had answered my question so fast, since it is the weekend and you usually don't work the weekends, I thought you would wait until a regular work day to to this, but then I see you just called them, which is funny, I never thought of you doing that.
Well I was sorry to read about what they said, I called Mike and told him that the policemen think he is rich enough to afford a $100 ticket, and Mike said "Oh well, I will just have to tell Dee that we can't afford for me to quit my job so I can spend more time at home after all. Darn those speeding tickets, I seem to get one every time we get close to our 'goal'!" Then I said "you are taking it very well, I was worried you would be upset" and Mike said "no, don't worry about it, I'll be fine. Thanks for trying, Lizardbreath!" an' he slammed down the phone real fast before I could even start screaming, which I did, I screamed AUGH! so loud and so long that it woke up Frannie and she started screaming, and then I said the same swear word that Mike said when he got a ticket, because all the screaming woke up Anthony too, and I didn't have the special casserole I was making him for dinner done yet, and he didn't want me to wake him up until I had dinner on the table. Wow I hope I get better at this Mom stuff soon, Anthony says not to worry though, I am already better at it then Therese who never made casseroles, her idea of dinner was to come home from a long day at work way after Anthony got home, pour a prepackaged salad mix on a plate, then glare at him and say "Deeener ees served." I feel so bad for Anthony, what kind of homelife is that?
Liz
At 8:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
N’gwiinawenim giin gwanaaj bezhig (I miss you, beautiful one),
You are very kind to help out your friend Anthony and his nindaan (daughter). I know you said he was home from hospital but still recovering. My sweet girl is the best. I think I must have forgotten to tell this to you before, but when you were living in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I never worked on weekends or holidays. Now you live in Mississauga, I work almost every weekend, but not holidays. It is like someone, or fate, as you like to call it, has arranged it so that I can come visit you on your days off work.
Your story about your friend Anthony and eating prepackaged salads is very sad. He is very lucky you are there to help him. I think Susan Dokis would agree with you completely about a man having a proper dinner when he came home. She sends me food with notes that say: “When you eat this authentic Ojibway food made by me, think of all the meals Elizabeth made for you at your home.” Chipper knows just how much I miss you. She’s great.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, just wen i think thingz r goin' gr8 w/eva, sumthin' comez & makes me think i wuz crayzee. yestahday, eva comez up 2 me & sez, "jeremy. did uc this n the paper?" i sed, "wut?" thinkin' it wuz sumthin' 'bout cowboyz or sum concert eva wunts me 2 take her 2. but no. the paper sed n little spot on the page b4 the back page next 2 the horny tim ads, "monster terrorizez terror lake. monster is sed 2 resemble a goat-headed baby carried by a large bajan woman. authorities have warned residents 2 flee back 2 their normal residences, like mboro which iz not newhere near terror lake. monster sed 2 v.v. dangerous sez anonymous source." eva wuz like, "terror lake. thass where duncan iz w/hiz fam @their cottage." then she sed the wordz i didn't wanna hear, which were: "we gotta go rescue them."
i sed, "can't we leave this 2 the authorities? i'm sure the police 'round terror lake can handle goat-headed monsterz." eva sed, "a cowboy duz not leave his friendz 2b defended by the police. every1 knowz the evil rich rancher haz them in his back pocket." i sed, "i don't think there'z an evil rich rancher @terror lake. mebbe an evil rich fisherman or sumthin' like that." eva sed, "jeremy. i wuz usin' a metaphor. the point iz that our friend & my fellow bandm8 duncan iz n trubble & we r the 1s 2 save him." i sed, "wut do u want me 2 do?" eva sed, "i got us bus tix. tell ur mom we r leavin' & we'll b back by 2morrow." i sed, "u want my mom 2 let me go outa town w/my gf, & u think she iz gonna let us do that?" eva sed, "y not? duncan & gerald & april & i went 2 the lake & slept 2gethah & nothin' happed." i sed, "if u ask my mom & she sez we can go, then we'll go." so i think there iz no way mom iz gonna let me go, but eva talked her n2 it. i wuz kinda surprized, but i guess eva'z xxplanation that i went on a tour 4 weeks w/rebeccah & she wunted equal tyme worked.
we got on2 the bus 2 terror lake & eva sat b-side me & sed, "look who'z here." i looked & there wuz zandra larson on the bus. i got up 2 say hello, but eva pulled me back & sed, "she's prolly in cahoots w/the evil rich rancher." i sed, "i thot this wuz a metaphor." eva sed, "oh rite. metaphor." so i went 2 talk 2 zandra. she sed, "wut iz the smirkin', bf-stealer doin' on the bus 2 terror lake?" i sed, "she wunts 2 rescue duncan frum the goat-headed monster." zandra sed, "wut?" so i showed zandra the newspaper article. zandra sed, "the mboro newzpaper gets worse & worse. the next thing u know they r gonna have bobby curtola & his mother the alien." i sed, "prolly true. wut r u doin'?" zandra sed, "i'm goin' 2 visit my bf. duncan'z 'rents & my 'rents came 2 an agreement, since duncan'z rents let ur bf-stealer gf & april & gerald & duncan have a sleepover. they sed i cud have equal tyme." i sed, "so ur not here 2 protect duncan frum a goat-headed monster?" zandra sed, "i'm not an idiot, like ur cowgirl friend."
i went back 2 eva, wonderin' if i wuz b-ing fooled. the bus finally stopped @the terror lake stop & the 3 of us started walkin' 2 duncan'z fam'z cabin. we got 2 the cabin & duncan'z mom opened the door & sed, "sandra. good 2c u." then she saw eva & me & sed to zandra, "i thot we sed u cudn't bring friendz, aftah wut happed w/april & gerald the last tyme." zandra sed, "they're not w/me." eva sed, "mrs. anderson. we r here 2 protect ur fam frum the goat-headed monster terrorizin' terror lake." mrs. anderson sed, "wut r u talkin' 'bout?" about this tyme duncan showed up & u cud c he kinda got that happy 2c zandra/scared 2c eva look on his face wen he saw eva & me. mr.anderson sed, "wut's this all about, a goat-headed monster?" so eva showed mr. & mrs. anderson the article frum the newspaper. they read ovah it & sed 2 duncan, "wut's this 'bout, duncan?" duncan looked rilly nervous. eva sed, "have u seen the goat-headed monster? haz it eaten many peeps?" an old lady came up & sed, "i thot i saw sumthin' crawlin' 'round outside." then a middle-aged woman came out & sed, "that wuz just duncan crawlin' out so he cud go ovah 2 the terror lake general store w/o ne1 c-ing him." eva sed, "did uc the monster dunc?" duncan'z mom sed, "it soundz like we needta have a talk w/duncan. could u give us sum privacy, eva & ur dad?" eva sed, "jeremy iz not my dad." i kinda hoped she wuz gonna say, "he'z my bf, but that didn't happ." so we stepped out & there wuz a lotta yellin' & cryin' frum nside 'bout a public nuisance & how they were not gonna leave terror lake early, no mattah how many monsters got reported 2 the newspaper frum anonymous sources & a numbah of uncomplimentary thingz 'bout eva which i hoped she couldn't hear v. clearly. aftah awhile, duncan'z mom stepped out & sed, "sorry u wasted ur tyme. the monster wuz just a hoax." eva sed, "ru sure u don't want us 2 stay & take the 1st watch?" duncan'z mom sed no.
so then we were headed back 2 the bus station & as we were walkin' by the lake, we heard this rustlin' noise n the trees. eva sed, "did u hear that, jeremy?" i sed, "u mean the rustlin' noise n the trees?" eva sed, "yes, man. do u think it's the goat-headed monster?" i sed, "i thot duncan'z mom sed it wuz a hoax." eva sed, "duncan'z mom duzn't know everythin'." i sed, "i dunno. goat-headed monsterz seems kinda like a hoax 2 me." eva sed, "watch out! jeremy!" then she jumped on me & knocked me 2 the ground. i sed, "wtf? wut wuz that 4?" but then i saw a giant goat-headed monster which looked like a goat-headed baby carried by a large bajan woman. i sed, "this haz got 2b the silliest thing i have evah seen." but the monster tried to butt me w/its giant hornz. eva & i started runnin' & runnin'. i sed, "aren't u gonna punch it out?" eva sed, "ru crayzee? it's not carryin' a cell." we ran until we got 2 the bus station & there wuz no1 there. eva sed, "quick. n2 the alleyway b-side the ticket counter." so we ran n there. it wuz 2 thin 4 the goat-headed monster 2 follow us. eva & i sat n there 4 hourz, while the monster sat outside the alley & bleated @us. then it got tired & walked away.
eva sed, "quick. let's attack while its back iz turned." i sed, "ru crayzee?" eva sed, "a real cowboy wudn't b afraid 2 attack a monster while its back iz turned." we followed the monster outa the train station & we saw it go down 2 the lake & started 2 drink outa the lake. i guess its throat wuz sore frum all the tyme it wuz bleatin' @us. eva sed, "now!" & we ran ovah 2 the monster & pushed it n2 the lake. it went rite n2 the lake & i thot it wuz just gonna swim out & slash us 2 death, but it nevah came out. eva sed, "once again, we have saved the day." i sed, "i think thass a superhero metaphor." eva sed, "nevah mind that. it's tyme 2 reward the hero." i sed, "i don't think i wuz rilly like a hero pushin' a monster n2 a lake while its back wuz turned." eva sed, "not u. me." so while it wuz still dark @ the bus station & no1 else wuz there, i did a little rewardin', altho it seemed 2 me like i kinda got rewarded 2.
then mornin' came & the bus station manager saw us 2gethah &sed, "ever since we got that monster, peeps come 2 the station pretty early." we got tix back 2 mboro. wen we got back home, mom asked how the trip wuz. eva sed, "we pushed the monster n2 the lake & he didn't come back out alive." my mom sed, "i unnerstand. i used the same metaphor wen i wuz young."
neway, thass how the weekend went. az u can tell, eva iz not an average kinda girl,& i dunno if i am crayzee 4 likin' her.
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