April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Clover's Operation

When Dr. Simmons and Laura were getting ready 2 do the spaying surgery on the dog, Clover, I stuck my head in and asked, "Can I watch the surgery?" Laura answered (which was kinda strange cuz she wasn't in charge there), saying "Sure, but U'll have 2 put on a mask and gown, and do xxactly as U're told." And I was like, "OK!" Inside, I asked, "Is she anaesthetized?" (DUH!) And Laura was all, "Yes... And U can hold this basin while I shave her tummy." L8r, the doc was all, "Wipe, please. Tweezers. Pull harder. Tighten the ligatures. Cut. Gauze. No bleeding? Good job. Let's close our puppy up." Afterwards, when Laura and I were washing up, Laura asked, "R U OK, April?" And I sed, "Sure! I've seen stuff like that B4 lots of times!" And then I thot, "It just smellz way different than it does on television!" And while I thot that, I had the Patterson "speed freak" eyes, I'm pretty sure.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:57 AM  

23 Comments:

  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You are the nicest girl in Milborough. Please tell me you don't really sniff things while you watch television. My mom tells me there are people who sniff things who can be arrested for it.

    Panicked,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, do u have sum kinda smello-vision @ur house? wen we watched tv there, i don't remember ne kinda strange odours. but it coulda been masked by the odour of 1 of ur mom'z casserolez i guess. mebbe thass wut ur thinkin'. dog surgery smellz bettah than mom'z casserolez.

     

  • At 9:54 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am sure what you meant was that you had in your mind's eye or rather your mind's nose, what the smell of "dog cut open in a hospital" smells like and you were surprised it didn't match. Perhaps you got the image from seeing New Breed Vets with Steve Irwin on Animal Planet where the host, the famous Crocodile Hunter, is frequently shown wearing very tight, clinging shorts and eating a vegamite sandwiches while narrating. If you thought it smelled like a vegamite sandwich, then you would be quite shocked. Most surgeries do smell better.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Your composition today was a wonderful commentary not only on the poor quality of veterinary care in Winnipeg, but a testimony to the strength of our macho cousin Laura. I noticed that once again you put yourself into the unjust role of a fool (Pattersons are obviously not really that stupid), in order to point out the essential points of your argument. (1) Laura has taken charge of the situation, as anyone who has experienced the strong embrace of her manly arms would know that she would. (2) The veterinarian is allowing and has allowed Laura, a 1st year veterinary student and a 15-year-old (you) to assist on surgeries, instead of hiring an actual trained veterinary technician for the work. This tells me that either he believes Laura and you are just as good as someone who has been properly trained (possible, given you are a Patterson, and Laura is 1/2 -Patterson) or there is such a scarcity of veterinary technicians the doctor has to resort to you and Laura, or the doctor is working in a place steeped in such poverty that relying on you and Laura is his only choice, since he cannot afford to actually pay the salary of someone with the correct training. (3) The veterinary clinic cannot hope to match the higher quality conditions of a television veterinarian. I thought you put the points together quite subtley from the perspective of you playing a naive idiot, and of course I always enjoy hearing a story about a commanding Laura. The image of her in a medical uniform ordering, “Mike do exactly as you’re told” resonates. Good work again, little sis.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your nimisenh (cousin) Laura and the spaying operation. You should feel proud of yourself to get to observe and help out in a medical procedure. Most people do not get to experience the realities of a possible career choice before they go to school. I know if I had shot and killed a man before entering the Ontario Provincial Police, it would have been an excellent experience to see if I had the strength to do this kind of job. When I speak about these kinds of things to my sweet girl, she usually starts singing, “La la la. A Patterson can’t hear these kinds of things” in a loud off-key voice. Sometimes she says that when I get to Toronto, and I am working in traffic, it will be less dangerous. When I mention the crime rate on the highways around Toronto are higher than the whole crime rate of Northwest Ontario, she starts La-La-ing again. Then she makes an off-hand remark about how I should consider a career change to accounting or running a convenience store. I don’t think your sister has ever liked the danger in my job.

    I really don't want to be an accountant. Fortunately, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, often tells me I am brave and I do a job which needs to be done that very few can do, and she is proud of me. I feel better about my job when I talk to her. When I am in uniform, she likes to touch the uniform a lot. She’s says a man in uniform makes her heart skip a beat. I hope Chipper does not have heart problems. She is too young.

    Congratulations on getting through the spay surgery. I remember you were nervous about that before. If you choose to become a veterinarian, maybe you can come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and do some spay operations on the roving packs of dogs in that town. Every time I go to visit Chipper or when I used to visit your sister there, I see some stray dogs walking along the streets.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and Paul,

    I would also think it was good if you (Paul) became a dentist, there are hardly any crimes against dentists or accountants, I could be married to either one of those things and never have to worry, a Patterson woman can't be a widow after all, it's just not done, also, we need to have a man around in our lives, it's just too scary the other way. You probably think I am very brave, but being out on my own is hard, I used to feel safe in Mtigwaki because Gary and Viv were right there and if you don't have a husband the next best thing is to have someone else's husband who is also your boss and who also says he likes you very, very, very much and will have a hard time living without you, living right next door to you. Also there is something about living in a place called "the teacherage" that just feels very safe and snuggly and secure, like a rabbit hutch for teachers or something like that, nobody ever robs or rapes or steals in a rabbit hutch. But now I am in Mississauga and it's a big city, I looked it up on the internet and found out there are 700,000 people living here, that's huge, and also the internet says there are seven major highways going through Mississauga and that that offers fast and convenient access to the rest of Canada and the United States, but I think that is code for "offers fast access for any criminal in North America who might want to get a vulnerable young unmarried Patterson woman." At least that is what Mom says she is worried about all the time, and Mom would know whether it is good to be worried or not, and she is, but she says she wouldn't have to worry if I were married, and she keeps asking me about how that's coming along. I don't want to talk about it for those of you who might also want to ask me that question.

    Anyway, like I was saying, I can't be married to someone with a very dangerous job, what if a criminal got mad at Paul and followed him home and tried to get revenge on him like on those movies on the Lifetime television for women channel that Viv liked to watch on the big satellite dish? Those movies were scary, I don't think I could bring myself to shoot anybody, and I shouldn't have to be thinking about that, I'm a Patterson, the worst thing I should be thinking about is burning the butt off a casserole, it's probably all my own fault for getting attacked because I haven't gotten married yet, probably if I were married Mom is right I would have a safe life just like Dee, look how she lives in a big city and is so beautiful and fashionable and yet she never once has to worry about criminals going after her.

    Gosh I never thought about it like this but Howard I think what happened between you and me really was all my fault, I'm sorry, I hope you will forgive me.

    Liz

     

  • At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Sorry I got all caught up in my stuff and didn't even think about your exciting news, congratulations on being allowed to help with a surgery, I didn't know they could let teenagers do that. Like just with teaching, you have to be a student teacher already learning in a university before you even get to practice at teaching with supervision from a real teacher, and there is no way they would ever let for example a student teacher could let a teenage babysitter help out just for example, not even if that babysitter is a Patterson, it's illegal. I had to train for years to be good enough to do such a hard job as this, and there isn't even any chance I could kill someone, even an animal, so you are very lucky.

    I have a question how do you cut out parts of a dog without it bleeding some? I am worried your vet friend might not know what he is doing, I asked Paul and he said that in surgery there is always some blood. Maybe if the vet is not doing real surgery then you can help out more than just holding a basin, or did you already get to do more, I can't tell if you were the person who got to hand him the tweezers and gauze, also, that reminds me, did he just use only tweezers and gauze on this surgery, because if he did, then I think I understand why there was no bleeding.

    Liz

     

  • At 12:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,

    I am pretty sure what happened between you and me was not your fault. I have been feeling guilty about it ever since it happened. I had been hoping you would forgive me, not the other way around. If you are ever in Milborough, I would like to make it up to you. Maybe dinner and a light opera, or a moonlight stroll through Milborough Park. Or we could…

    Wait. Sorry. Your Patterson allure is starting to affect me. Maybe I can bake you a cake or something to make it up to you, and have your sister, April, deliver it to you in Mississauga. How does that sound?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard,

    Oh no, please do not make me a cake, I would feel too guilty eating it, since you could not help going after a single Patterson woman, that is what most single men want to do apparently, even the gay ones. Just ask my mom, she told me all about it.

    I am so glad that we are having the end of summer testing today, this is to find out if my students met their goals in my class this summer. I can't wait for it to be over, all this talk about goals and standards and literacy rates and getting held back and black marks in my permanent file are starting to really get to me, it's so dreary. Fortunately yesterday was review day before the tests but to give my kids a break we did the review the Native way, kids could do whatever they thought would best help them learn and remember the material, it worked out really well, they decided that a DVD about this guy named Diego would help them learn best. I never heard of Diego before but I think it must have been really educational, the kids were fascinated, I don't really know though because Diego speaks some other language that I don't know, I'm pretty sure it's not French though.

    Anyway, the morning kids and the afternoon kids are all here together all day long for the tests, this is very hard on me, as you know I usually have 14 in the morning and 12 in the afternoon, but now I have 26 all at once, and that's a lot. I asked the principal if we got paid double on days we have such a huge class size and he looked at me weird, he is always so negative, I don't really like him. But the tests are going well, I can tell the kids are feeling confident by how they keep asking each other "Did you answer question 15 'B'? Yeah, that's what I got too." It is such a treat to see how cooperative they are in their learning, I taught them that, cooperation is a very Native value, and I am glad that rotten principal did not totally keep me from teaching them some Native culture.

    The only bummer about these tests is that each section is timed and I am supposed to cut the kids off after the time is up but that seems so cruel, I have to do it though, I asked the principal if we could do it a more flexible Native way, like work on whatever section for however long you want, and the principal said some awful racist things about Native culture and stupid white girls being a terrible combination, I am going to write to the the Ministry of Education about him, it's terrible our childrens education is in the hands of a person like that.

    Liz

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    when mom overheard me an' howie talking abt ur operation smelling diff then on tv, mom wuz like "the pattersons have smell-o-vision and we don't?!?" then she started nagging at dr. ted "how come u haven't bot me a smell-o-vision?!? don't u luv me?!?" an' dr. ted wuz all like "a mere oversite my luv" an' sed 2 howie "kelpfroth. find me a big-screen hi-definition smell-o-vision, preferably a flat panel." so now howie is like calling everywhere 2 find 1. i tried 2 xxplain it wuz a misunderstanding, that u were prolly drunk frum ether fumes when u sed that or sumthing, but mom wouldn't blieve me. she sed she is gonna think up a xxcuse 2 "drop by" ur mom an' dad's house 2nite 2 sneek a peek at their smell-o-vision so she can make sure 2 buy a better 1. she xxpects me an' howie 2 go with her. sheesh. can't w8 2 c how this goes!!

    becks

     

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I have been trying to convince Krystle (Becky’s mom) that smell-o-vision doesn’t exist yet. I showed her this article:


    And I pointed out that it says, “Some day” we will have smell-o-vision. Becky’s mom is unconvinced. She thinks the Enjos must have given your mother some sort of insider track to the Tokyo Institute of Technology's odor recorder.

    I have called everyone and now this. I guess I should be glad Becky’s mom didn’t latch on to the part of your operation where it was completed with tweezers and gauze. She might ask for a surgical enhancement which didn’t involve cutting. It took her awhile to recover from her last lift.

    When we stop by your house tonight, I promise I will try to keep Krystle from breaking and entering.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    o geez. mom is all like trying 2 teach me an' howie her master plan, which basically goes like this:

    1. mom distracts jelly w/ bakery goodies

    2. mom distracts choo-choo johnny w/ her boobs

    3. me an' howie sneak in2 the family room

    4. me an' howie look 4 labels an' other info on the smell-o-vision 2 identify the model

    5. me an' howie turn on the smell-o-vision an' watch a cooking show or fear factor or sumthing else that's smelly 2 get a good idea abt the smell quality on ur set

    6. go home an' try to order a smell-o-vision that is better then the 1 ur rents have

    7. if we can't get 1, howie is supposed 2 steal ur rents' smell-o-vision.

    i'm all like "gr8 mom, howie duzn't need 2 end up back in jail 4 this" an' mom is all like "i need 2 b able 2 smell my fave stars." she is now going on an' on abt what kind of cologne i think wentworth miller wears an' whether that cranky doctor w/ the cane is just doing the brad pitt thing, or if he really just duzn't shower at all. she sez smell-o-vision will clear up these "burning questions." whatevs.

    becks

     

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    The flaw in Krystle's plan (aside from the idea that you actually have a smell-o-vision) is the one where she distracts your father with her boobs. I am trying to convince her to go with a model train instead. As near as I can tell, your mother is hypersensitive to your father leering at other women. A model train is safer. Your mother won't care if your dad leers at a woman carrying a model train.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, guyz, i can totally save u time, cuz we don't have smell-o-vision. i was just thinkin' abt how when u watch sumthin' on tv, like a surgery, u don't smell stuff, unlike when u witness a real surgery, up close an' personal, an' u totally do. i'm gonna post this quick b4 i answer abt other stuff, hoping i can save becks and howard fr. having 2 do this plan!

    apes

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, there was bleeding during the surgery. laura told me that when dr. simmons made that "no bleeding" comment it was 2 make sure there wasn't bleeding when the bleeding shd b over. the tweezerz an' gauze were just @ the end. there was a scalpel an' other instruments involved early on. besides holding that basin, all i was really allowed 2 do was watch.

    oh, shannon, i don't sniff the tv when i watch it. i also didn't sniff @ the dog during the surgery, but i was able 2 smell thoze smellz neway. so like i was saying b4, i was just thinking abt the diff between tv not having a smell and real-life surgery having smellz.

    apes

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Sorry. Becky's mom thinks you are just trying to keep your technology to yourself. She said, "Nice try. But why would you care so much if there wasn't a smell-o-vision to hide?" I think she is still a little miffed that you have hovercar technology in your vehicles and she doesn't.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, well, guyz, i tried. neway, i agree abt the trainz, that wd get my dad's attention way, way more. sorry i cdn't save u fr. this lil mission.

    apes

     

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am thinking now I should not have used my Lionel train that is shaped somewhat like a certain part of the male anatomy for a distraction. In hindsight, that was a poor choice. The only positive is that Krystle seems to be distracted from her smell-o-vision desires.

    Also, remind me I need to clean up some things from under your television before they start to stink too badly.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Apes,

    That is totally cube how ur family's cars seem 2 hover when they go down the street. Whenever I see 1 of ur parents driving, it's just freaky cuz it looks like they r about a foot off the ground.

    Smell-o-vision would b good 2 have 4 cooking shows.

    Liz, i think u need 2 stop getting ur crime prevention info from the lifetime channel. I think if married women were never the victims of crime, we would hear about it on the news 'n' stuff.

    Paul, guys definitely look good in uniform...even my brother looks less dorky when he's wearing his!

    Luann

     

  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, luann, yup, the hover thing is crayzee! bernice told me u managed 2 make yr mom speechless? wow, i wish i cd do that w/my mom, she'z alwayz speechful!

    howard, i m afraid 2 know what needz 2 b cleaned out fr. under the tv, but i guess mayB we'll end up w/a kinda smell-o-vision after all, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike, what's this nonsense about me being a "half" Patterson? I'm just as much Patterson as you are! Like you, I have a Patterson parent and a non-Patterson parent. Have you forgotten that Elly Patterson was born Elly Richards?

    Sheesh

     

  • At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg, leave it 2 howie 2 make me tell the whole horrible story. well here goes. mom called up ur house an' put it on speakerfone. ur dad answered.

    mom: (real sexxxy) hello john, it's krystle mcguire.

    dr. p: (confused) who?

    mom: (impatient) becky's mom!

    dr. p: o, hello. what can i do 4 u 2nite?

    mom: (sexxxy) i need 2 c u, john. i need 2 c u real bad.

    dr. p: well, jean keeps my schedule. u'll have 2 call her. but i'm rilly glad u called.

    mom: (sultry) o really? y is that, john?

    dr. p: bcuz that young whippersnapper of a partner of mine keeps taking all my patients! my schedule is so full of holes it looks like swiss cheese! (hearty laffter)

    mom: r u sticking out ur tongue rite now, john?

    dr. p: how did u know?

    mom: i know everything abt u, john patterson. i know what u like.

    dr. p: really?

    mom: yes. and i want 2 come over there rite now and give it 2 u.

    dr. p: wow! sure! now?

    mom: yes. y? is sumthing wrong with right now?

    dr. p: could u give us half an hour? i only bot enuff chicken, couscous, and fresh fruit 4 myself and elly.

    mom: (clucks) that woman has nothing but time on her hands, and she still makes u get dinner?

    dr. p: she usually cooks, but at my last appointment, ted sed my cholesterol level was 428 and my triglycerides were over 1000. actually, what he sed wuz "john, ur blood sample has big chunks of crisco floating in it." so we can't b eating elly's cooking rite now. got 2 try 2 get those numbers down.

    mom: u do that, big boy. we want u around nice and healthy 4 many years 2 "come." (giggles) did u like my pun?

    dr. p: umm...

    mom of course u did. all men like that sort of thing. c u in 30. (hangs up)

    well, howie an' me tried telling mom that dr. p izn't like other men, but it didn't work. she insisted on putting on this rilly slutty dress, it plunges down 2 her belly button an' is held in place by double-sided tape. there mite b less fabric on it then on shannon lake's bikini.

    neway, we all walked ovah 2 ur 'rents house an' poor howie had 2 carry 3 crates of day-old pastries. mom rang the bell an' jelly answered the door.

    jelly: krystle mcguire! what r u doing here?!

    mom: happy birthday! (points 2 howie carrying the pastry krates)

    jelly: (overjoyed) 4 me? but my birthday isn't 4 3 more days!!!

    mom: i wanted 2 beat the rush. ur my best customer after all. where should my delivery boy put the krates?

    jelly: on the kitchen table, of course, and open them all 2 pleeze. i will b needing a lite bedtime snack soon. krystle, u r 2 generous. (turns an' hurries after howie in2 the kitchen)

    (mom an' me follow jelly. by the time we get in2 the kitchen she alreddy has a napoleon in either fist an' a eclair sticking outta her mouth)

    mom: is john here?

    jelly: (grunts)

    mom: what? i don't speak pig.

    dr. p: (pops in2 the kitchen wearing overalls an' train hat) krystle! i herd the bell! where r ur trains? r they outside in ur car?

    at that mom shoved her boobs as close 2 dr. p's face as she could get an' sed "no john, dear, i m here 4 u. i want 2 give u pleasure."

    an' ur dad wuz like "huh?"

    an' mom wuz like "john...what do u want more then nething else in the whole world?" an' she shoved her boobs rite in dr. p's face. jelly didn't notice, she wuz 2 buzy chowing down.

    then suddenly howie popped btween them an' sed "i know! it's this, rite, dr. p?" an' suddenly howie wuz showing him this sleek silver-colored model train engine.

    an' mom wuz like "howie, what the hell is that thing? is it like 'the rabbit' 4 train enthusiasts?" she grabbed it an' looked at it an' sed "it sez 'the lionel steamer.' so it's definitely a dil--"

    omg. i can't even bear 2 say what happened next. howie has 2 tell it.

    becks

     

  • At 1:31 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky says I have to finish this story for you so you can rest easy, considering it involved your parents and that kind of stuff.

    As you may recollect, Becky’s mom Krystle insisted on wearing a seductive outfit to distract your father. I knew the only thing which would actually distract your father is a model train he would not have, at least I hope he wouldn’t have. I really only have one model train set. It is a set the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company sold as a fund-raiser one year. Not only does it operate as an authentic train set, suitable for setting up for Christmas displays and the like, but it is multi-function. Most of the sharp points and barbs which would normally make a model train unusable in bodily orifices have been polished to a Canadian Medical Association (CMA)-approved smoothness. I can tell you the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company had some very interesting tunnels during our Christmas party that year. But I digress.

    I whipped out my Lionel Steamer and the look on your father’s face was one of complete amazement. He said, “I’ve never seen one of those before, and I thought I had at least seen a picture of every model train around.” I said, “Why don’t you run it down to your train set and give it a try?” And so he did. Unfortunately, Becky’s mom Krystle was enamoured of the train for different reasons, and she said, “But I want to use it, Howie. It looks very polished and smooth and penetrating.” Becky said to her mother, “Stick to the plan, mom.” Krystle said, “Oh, all right. But I want that train back, after you’re done with it.” Your dad was already down the stairs and off with the trains.

    Unfortunately, this conversation had taken so long your mother had finished all 3 crates of day-old pastries. She had apparently forgone using her hands to pick them up individually, and instead had poured them directly from the crate into her gaping maw, a phrase I don’t use very often, but it was appropriate here. She said, “That was a nice snack. Do you have any more?” Krystle was a little flustered, as were we all. Whenever I see you mother eat so much, I have this little fear that someday she grow to be demented and mistake me for a cherry tart. I am not sure I have the strength to fend of your mother when she is in an eating frenzy. Krystle said, “There’s plenty more. Why don’t you come down to the bakery with me, and we can see what’s left over.” So, Krystle and your mother walked out.

    Becky said, “Howie, we have the Patterson house all to ourselves, except for John in his train room. Now for the next stage of the plan.” So we quickly wrote down any information that was on your television. Then we tried to find a television show like a cooking show or Fear Factor, so we could tell Krystle that’s what we did to find out the smell effects. I said to Becky, “What’s that in your hand?” Becky said, “Mom is never going to believe Jelly doesn’t have a smell-o-vision, but she might believe her smell-o-vision stinks.” I said, “You mean ‘stinks’ as in ‘smells bad’ or ‘stinks’ as in ‘is not very good’? Becky said, “Both. It’s like a pun.” Then we both sticky-out tongue laughed and we were horrified. Becky said, “I think I have been spending too much time with the Pattersons.” I lifted up the television and Becky placed her packet of whatever it was underneath.

    We had barely started looking around for a good television show when Krystle and your mom were back. Krystle said, “There are no more pastries in the bakery. I hope you finished what was supposed to be done with our plan.” Becky said, “Almost, mom.” Instead of Fear Factor or a cooking show, Becky found New Breed Vets with Steve Irwin on Animal Planet. They were in the process of showing a canine spay. Becky’s mom said, “What is that hideous smell?” Your mother said, “It’s probably John. When he is playing with his trains, the strangest odours come from downstairs.” I said, “It might be the veterinary surgery. They sure do smell differently on television.” Krystle said, “Change the channel.” The next channel had on CSI: Toronto. Krystle said, “That’s awful. It stinks.” Your mother said, “I know. Just when you think they can’t possibly put another CSI show on television.” Becky said, “Nothing like the smell of decomposing bodies, eh mom?” Krystle said, “Change the channel. Put it on a comedy.” Becky switched to another channel where The King of Queens was on. Becky said, “A show for you, Howie.” I said, “I prefer to think of myself as a princess.” Krystle said, “It smells even worse.” Elly said, “It’s the fat actor. You can tell from the way he carries a beer and has food between his teeth. He doesn’t bathe and he can’t act.” I said, “I never suspected that actors might have bad body odour.” Becky said, “That’s because on most televisions, you can’t smell them.”

    Krystle said, “All right. You’ve made your point. I’m going to get my choo-choo and we are going to leave.” Your mom said, “Aren’t we going to celebrate my birthday some more? I am sure I could eat some more pastries.” Then there was a big racket downstairs. We could hear Krystle and your dad yelling. He said, “No, that choo-choo is mine.” Krystle said, “Hands off, striped conductor man. You don’t even know how to use it.” Your father said, “There’s no choo-choo in the world, I don’t know how to use.” The Krystle said, “Well, try this.” Then there was a lot of…well, I suppose you should know, moaning. Then we heard your dad say, “I have a new best friend and his name is ‘Lionel’.” Krystle came out of the downstairs with the choo-choo in her hand. She muttered, “Amateur.”

    We left for home and Krystle made me set up my model train set in her room she shares with Dr. Ted McCaulay. They have been giggling/moaning most of the night since then. I am so glad I sleep in Becky’s bungalow, so I don’t have to listen to it. Anyway, that’s the whole tawdry story.

    Howard K.

     

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