I e-mailed Ger
I sent an e-mail 2 Ger. I started it like a formal letter, which is kinda weird, unless U R a Patterson. I'm not sure Y we do this, but whatevs:
Apes
Dear Gerald,NEway, Jeremy, wow! I can't believe there was an actual goat-headed monster. I thot it was Dunc's usual xxagerating abt his lil nephew fr. Barbados. He callz him the goat baby, but I've seen him and he pretty much just loox like a regular baby. And Dunc's Auntie Perdita is pretty petite. So I wonder what-all happed @ the scaree lake!
How's it going? Uncle Danny's letting me drive the tractor lots this year an' I'm looking after the horses. There's no pigs here anymore, but we've got 6 chickens and a rooster that'll chase U if U get 2 close. My cousin, Laura, is gonna be a veterinarian. She's working as an assistant at the clinic here, and she said I could help! So far, I've just been organizing supplies, which is super interesting. Like when I found a gigantic hypodermic needle, and the very sight of it made me bug out my eyes and drop the thing. Laura said, "Those syringes are only used on very large animals, April!" Which is good, cuz I thot maybe the vet was a very large junkie or sumthin'.
So, Ger, I hope U R feeling better after yr times in hospital this month. I can't wait 2 C U again, tho U know my 'rents have that weirdness abt keeping me here until the last poss second so's we can't even C ea other B4 the 1st day of school. I hope we won't have 2 much exposition in our convo when we see ea other next month!
Love,
April
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:49 AM
10 Comments:
At 9:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am pretty sure the creature eva & i saw wuz not a petite woman carryin’ a regular baby. we saw a petite woman carryin’ a regular baby @the cottage where duncan wuz, & it did not look the same @all. the only things the same wuz the goat-headed monster had a body shaped like a lady carrying a baby, only the baby has fangs, clawz, & huge goat horns. also, the monster bleated like a goat with a sweet hint of a barbados accent. wut i know 4 sure, iz i am rilly glad i am not n a cottage on terror lake, evn tho eva took care of that monster 4 good. i know wen u were writin’ n ur letter 2 gerald, ‘bout bein’ chased by the rooster, i have an image n my head of u runnin’ away completely terrified. thass how i woulda looked runnin’ away from that goat-headed monster.
At 9:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Let me see if I understand the true meaning behind your composition today. We start from your greatest farm pleasure to your least: Uncle Danny, tractor, horse, no pigs, chickens, and homicidal rooster. This is what defines you in terms of the farm. I notice that Auntie Bev has dropped off the list, but my guess you are still a little miffed by her comment that you were her hired hand from last week.
Then we move to a story about Cousin Laura and a gigantic hypodermic needle, with Cousin Laura commenting on how the animal appropiate for the hypodermic needle is very large. I have had this same moment as a dream with Cousin Laura before. In my dream, after she talks about how large the animal is, then she demonstrates how to properly handle the huge needle and how to make the medical liquid flow from it. In my dream, Laura gets very excited when she gets the liquid out, and she talks about the how giving birth is nature's most amazing miracle. Did Laura do that, or is that a discussion you are reserving for tomorrow’s composition?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your love letter to Gerald is an example for me. It was so romantic. Mom took me to the special needs place and I found a Braille typewriter and I wrote a love letter to Nolan. It went like this:
Dearest Nolan,
How is it going? The special needs coordinator is letting me write this letter to you in Braille. After our date, I wanted to let you know if we had another date, I would look after you. And I would keep any piggy girls away from you. I would not be chicken, but I would chase away any piggy girls that got too close.
My friend, April Patterson, is going to be a veterinarian. She’s working as an assistant at a veterinary clinic in Winnipeg. She could show me how to organize your supplies. If you needed your girlfriend to give you a medical shot with a hypodermic needle, I could do that for you. April would show me how.
You can call me for another date. Don’t wait until the last possible second. If you wait too long, there will be too much exposition in our conversation when we see each other again. April thinks too much exposition is not a good thing.
With love from my heart of hearts,
Shannon Lake
What do you think? I saw Nolan with Becky McGuire and I ran up and handed it right to Nolan and ran away. Becky looked mad, but I could tell Nolan was excited to get something to keep his mind off Becky. He read it right away and he had a big smile on his face.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
lol apes, how did it feel 2 handle the 1st big prick u evah saw? lollers!
well i had a cube weekend w/ nolan, xxcept 4 the parts where shannon tried 2 perv on him. more l8r.
becks
At 1:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
ok well this past weekend, i took no clothes shopping. this is the 1 point that is not so cute abt him, he duz not have the gr8est fashion sense, which i guess is normal, no sez it duzn't matter 2 much 2 him cuz he's blind an' so wuz the only other girl he evah d8ed. his clothes r v. soft, that's all they have going 4 them. well we saw shannon at the mall, she followed us an' kept hiding bhind garbage cans an' support poles an' clothing racks. it wuz mbarrassing, but then she ran up an' gave no that lame-o letter. gawd. u could tell no wuz just b-ing nice 2 her. he red the letter 2 me an' i wuz all like "did u really go on a d8 w/ her?" an' no wuz like "i would call it a friendly outing." an' i wuz like "is this a date?" an' no wuz like "i would call this a shopping trip."
neway, i went 2 meet no's parents this weekend. now i know sum peeps will think that this happened 2 fast. i know sum peeps think the rule is that 1 parent should play matchmaker, but then parents should not b visited 4 a v. long time, like until the peeps r talking abt pursuing their partnership fully like w/ boring crap like marriage, or just pretending they want 2 get married.
neway, his mom an' dad r super psyched he has a gf. i guess the 1 girl he met at blind band camp didn't work out. she turned out 2 b a nympho an' a total perv who liked 2 do weird sex things w/ musical instruments. at 1st they were way nervous 2 hear i wuz a musician, but when they found out i play piano, they were relieved. the were all like "well u can't stick a piano in a bodily orifice. whew."
well then we went 2 go c a movie. i wanted 2 c "snakes on a plane" so we did. we were kinda making out b4 the movie started when i saw this little kid all turned around in her seat, staring at us. when i looked up 2 glare at her, i saw it wuz shannon lake. she wuz shooting me a death glare. so i sed "no, would u call this a d8?" an' he wuz like "yes becky, this is a d8" an' we kissed. i peeked at shannon an' she wuz baring her teeth an' growling at me. no wuz like "sounds like sum1 brot their c-ing eye dog."
then i sed "no, that's shannon lake." an' no wuz all like "shannon's here? o, we should b nice an' go sit w/ her." omg, way lame! well no sooner then did no say that then shannon wuz sitting in the seat next 2 him. u know how slow she moves in gym class? i think it's a put-on. she can really motor when she wants 2.
well the movie started an' shannon wuz all like "no...i'm...scared...of...the...dark. will...u...hold...my...hand?" an' she grabbed his hand, so of course he did. then a few minutes l8r she wuz all like "no...i'm...cold...will...u...put...ur...arm...around...me?" an' she made him put his arm around her shoulders like no wuz doing w/ me. then when the 1st snake came on the screen, shannon wuz all like "no...i'm...scared!...feel...how...my...heart...is...beating!" an' she put no's hand on her boob!!! he yanked it away an' wuz all like "yea, that's fast." then i grabbed his other hand an' i wuz like "feel my heart, it's much nicer then hers" an' rubbed it all ovah my boobs. shannon made a finger gesture at me, an' not the kind the deaf kids make.
then shannon wuz like "i'm...so...short...i...can't...hardly...c...the...screen. can...i...sit...on...ur...lap?" she jumped in his lap but 4tunately the guy bhind us yelled at her 2 get down cuz he couldn't c.
shannon wuz eating big fistfuls of popcorn an' rite at the climax of the movie, she started coughing real fakey-like an' wuz like "no...i...think...i...need...mouth..2...mouth." 4tunately no wuz like "no, if u can talk, u don't need mouth 2 mouth, u prolly just need a drink. here, have sum of my soda." an' shannon wuz all like "ur...my...hero."
well of course shannon wanted 2 go 2 horny tims w/ us after, but she couldn't, her brother picked her up rite after the movie wuz over. i heard him ask her "so how wuz 'monster house'?" an' she wuz like "gr8!" so now i know how she got in2 'snakes on a plane', she snuck in. 4tunately me an' no can pass 4 17.
more l8r.
becks
At 1:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't think it sounds very safe there in Manitoba, you have been head-butted by a horse, chased by a vicious rooster, and asked to handle dangerous medical equipment. I hope this is helping you realize that the only place that real Patterson women belong is in Milborough, it is our home sweet home, if you stay in Manitoba you will be assaulted by animals and look manly like Laura or like Connie Poirier like Bev. You don't want to look manly or Connie-ish, if you do you have a hard time catching a husband, if you can get one at all it ends up being a dumb hayseed like Uncle Danny who makes fert jokes or a fat old retired guy who only cares about golf. if you don't believe me just ask mom and dad, that's who pointed this stuff out to me.
Well Anthony is doing much better, his eyelashes are starting to grow back in, but I have to say I hardly noticed they were gone, what with his thick glasses I hardly ever noticed his eyes anyway. You know, looks are not so important, what is important is that Anthony is a wonderful father and will be a good provider, and those are the most important husbandy qualities, he will make some woman a good husband. I hope he finds a better woman next time, one who will make him all the casseroles he likes, it turns out he is very fond of mom's famous "hamburger, hot dog, macaroni and cheez whiz surprise," he puts crushed peanuts and ketchup on top just like dad likes! isn't that great? Anthony is practically perfect don't you think?
I can't wait until you come back to Milborough, it will be perfect, I will be married and you can marry Gerald when you get out of school and we can each experience the miracle of childbirth. I am sure that this summer will convince you not to have a career, trust me, I went to college and got a career and it is very unsatisfying, you are either in a place you can't stand to live or you are working hellish hours, being a housewife would be so much better. I can't wait to have little children of my own, I just love spending time with Francoise, I change all her diapers and feed her, it's so much fun. Anthony says I will make a good wife, isn't that a nice compliment?
Liz
At 6:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Becky McGuire is so mean. You are the nicest girl in Milborough. Most kids in school are mean to me. If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what nice was. My mom and my brother are nice, but they don’t count because they are family. I bet the rooster you thought was chasing you was actually trying to give you a hug. Because you are so nice. Thanks to you, I know Becky McGuire is mean.
I forgot to tell you about my time with Nolan this weekend. I told you how I had the Braille letter I had written for Nolan, but I didn’t tell how I found him to give it to him.
Normally mom is afraid to let me go out in public, because I get lost. You remember we can buy our white shirts for our school uniform from any store so long as they're of a certain style. The same goes for shoes. Mom was glad, because the school uniform company charges a lot of money for the kilts and the gym clothes. Mom says the prices are astronomical. I hope they are not, because if I study astronomy, I don’t want to see kilt prices. Mom took me to the mall for white shirts and shoes. She put me into a seat and said, “Shannon. Don’t move. I’ll be back.”
While I was sitting there, Nolan came by with Becky McGuire. I could hear her saying, “Oh my God. No. You can’t wear those together. No boyfriend of mine can be seen in those clothes.” And Nolan was saying, “Becky. Fashion doesn’t really matter to me.” I decided it was the perfect time to give Nolan my letter. But Becky saw me and started leading Nolan away from me and she kept hiding him behind garbage cans and support poles and clothing racks and putting clothes on him to make him look like a mannequin. She was too slow for me, and got my letter to Nolan.
But then I got lost. I started to panic and I looked for you to see if you would help me find my mom. But I remembered you were in Winnipeg and not in the mall. So, I stopped a woman who had her hair up in a bun like yours, except she was a lot older than you are. I said, “Do you know where the white school uniform shirts are?” She led me to the seat where mom told me to wait. I got there just in time. Mom showed up with a lot of shirts for me to try on.
After that, mom said, “Since you were so good and didn’t get lost, Shannon. I am going to treat you to a movie.” I said, “I want to see Monster House.” Mom said it was OK and I could even see it alone. She said my brother Blair would pick me up after the movie was over. I was very excited. Mom bought my ticket and I saw a big line of people waiting to get in, so I got in that line. When they went into the theatre I followed them in. I saw the commercials and the coming attractions and then the movie started. Then I got really confused, because Monster House is supposed to be with cartoon pictures, but this movie was with real people and snakes. There were two big people beside me and they were leaning way over the arms on their chairs. I was not very comfortable, but I was trapped.
Then I heard Nolan’s voice. He was saying, “Becky, I may be blind but I think the other people in this theatre can see what you are doing. You probably don’t want to do that in public.” Then Becky would say, "No, would you call this a date?" And Nolan would say, "Yes Becky, this is a date." Poor Nolan.
Then there was this scene on the screen when a snake bit a man right between his legs. I heard Nolan say, “Not between my legs, Becky.” Then I looked around at them to see what Becky was doing. I hoped she wasn’t biting Nolan like the snakes were biting people. Becky saw me staring at her and she told Nolan I was there. Nolan invited me to sit with them. He wanted me to rescue him from Becky, just like I rescue you in school from Becky. I was really glad to be able to say to the two big people around me, “Excuse me. I am going to sit with some friends I see.” I could breathe a lot easier around Nolan.
Nolan was so nice. I could tell he wanted me to rescue him. When I offered for him to hold my hand, he did. When Becky made him put his arm around her shoulders, I told him he could do that with me too, and he did. When I asked him to check my heart beat, he did. When I started to choke on my popcorn, Nolan offered me some of his drink. He was so nice. He reminded me a lot of you, except he is a boy and handsomer.
After the movie was over, Becky made a big deal about how she was taking Nolan to Tim Hortons and I couldn’t go. Poor Nolan. I could see he wanted to stay with me. But my brother Blair was there, and I had to leave.
On the way home, Blair said, “So how was Monster House?” I said, “Great. It had snakes for the monster and the house looked a lot like an airplane.” Blair said, “Shannon. Did Monster House have a big black guy saying, ‘F*ck’ all the time?” I said, “Yes. Have you seen Monster House before?” Blair said, “When you get home, Shannon. It would be a good idea not to tell mom much about the movie. I think you went to a movie, mom would not want you to see.” I told Blair I would not tell mom. I may have seen the wrong movie, but I think I saw the right one, because Nolan was there. He is dreamy. He deserves someone who is a lot nicer than Becky McGuire. Someone nice like you, except you already have a boyfriend.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 6:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i don't wanna look like a man, but i hafta say, i don't ever wanna look like mom or grandma marian. remember when u & i both started saving up 4 rhinoplasty an' lipo? btw, mom and dad both think i shd go 2 university an' have a career. so far i think the vet clinic is interesting.
oh, and i've alwayz thot the ketchup-an'-peanuts thing was way gross. y do u sound more interested in anthony's opinion of u than in paul's opinion. isn't paul the one who's yr bf?
mike, i dunno abt all that, this was just a blog entry not a "composition", an' i was just sharing w/ger what's happed so far. i m a bit sore w/aunt bev abt the "hired hand" thing. and, no,laura did not do what u described. ew.
shan, i wdn't use my e-mail as an xxample of a love letter. i do write more romantic stuff 2 ger, but i usually keep it just 4 ger. this was more newsy.
jeremy, the whole thing @ terror lake is so weird! it soundz like dunc made up a story 2 tell the paperz, and then the story b-came true sumhow!!!
apes
At 7:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your letter to your boyfriend. I think you know not all animals are fun to be around or have as pets. When I was young, I remember being chased by a rooster too. You are very lucky to get a taste for a job you might have before you try to do it.
When I was your age, all I knew about the Ontario Provincial Police was they were sent to break up protests and arrest First Nations members when they argued against the continued theft of our lands and resources. The first time I saw an OPP constable who was a native, like me, I thought he must be crazy. But he explained to me the best way to change things is to work within things. He said, “The raging squirrel may bite the hungry dog, but the dog is still going to eat the squirrel. But if the hungry dog is taught by another dog not to eat the squirrel, then both can live together.” He was very wise, and so I decided to join the OPP. I have done much good for my people. When I get my transfer to the OPP in Toronto, I will get to do much good for people who have problems on the highway. I wonder if it will change me.
Normally, I have a 10 pm phone conversation with your sister every night, but she has changed it to be earlier after her friend Anthony got out of hospital. She has been going to his house and helping him and his daughter, while he recovers from his injury and she says she is too busy late at night at his house to have the phone conversation with me. My sweet girl is very sweet that way. Always thinking of others. I can see a difference in your sister since she has moved to Mississauga. I think being around a young girl is making your sister think about becoming a nindikwem (wife) and a ngashi (mother). This is happy news to me. When I first fell in love with your sister, I could tell being a nindikwem (wife) and a ngashi (mother) was far from her mind. I think Jesse Mukwa was so difficult it made my sweet girl not want to think about being a ngashi (mother).
Now she says to me, “Paul. You know, looks are not so important, what is important is that my ninaabem (husband) is a wonderful noos (father) and will be a good provider.” I said I was happy I had a steady job with the OPP, and I thought she was beautiful, even though she said ‘Looks are not so important.’” Your sister said, “Not me. I was talking about….” Then she asked me how I liked your ngashi (mother)’s famous "hamburger, hot dog, macaroni and cheez whiz surprise," she made for me when I visited your house in Milborough. I said it tasted pretty good going down, but not so good coming up. Your sister didn’t seem to like that answer. She seemed to think I would not have vomited if I put crushed peanuts and ketchup on top, like your noos (father) did.
Then my sweet girl surprised me again by talking about being a housewife. I said, “I thought you told me you wanted to teach for a long time, because it was something you were meant to do. You talked about how life is simpler and easier when you’re on the right path.” My sweet girl said, “People change, marry and move on. Nothing stays the same! You have to do what you are supposed to do.” I said, “You mean like you ‘had to’ go North to meet me. Like when you said it was preordained.” My sweet girl said, “No, it’s more like how I ‘had to’ go back South to be with my family.” I got very confused by this, but I could tell it was making your sister upset to talk about that.
I tried talking to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) to explain it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), every day I talk to parents in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). They want their children to have a better life than they had. They do not want Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to turn into a First Nations village where the people are ignorant and so poor they have to put their broken cars up on cinder blocks. As a teacher, I will make our people better, because their children will learn the things the white teachers would not want them to learn. If you were to marry me and move to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), there would be two people together trying to make our people better. It’s a choice. It’s not destiny.” Chipper is good at explaining things. I can tell she is an excellent teacher.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u think duncan haz the power 2 make thingz up & then they come true? that wud b weird. i don’t rilly think duncan haz magick powerz u know.
there wuz a rilly strange thing that happed @eva’z today. i went ovah 2 her house this afternoon & her dad & her mom were havin’ a rilly intense convo w/ this rilly tall, muscular guy & this rilly tall, muscular woman. they seemed 2b upset. they sed, “she haz not yet fully developed. her abilities have only manifested themselves wen she punched out men who strut around w/cell fonez makin’ ‘super’ important calls n public places. she shudn’t b fitin’ monsterz, yet.” i walked up & they got quiet. mr. abuya sed, “i will talk 2 eva 2 make sure it nevah happs again. the muscular man sed, “cu do.” the muscular woman looked @me & sed, “sidekick?” mrs. abuya sed, “no. boyfriend.” the muscular woman sed, “he’z no steve trevor.” mrs. abuya sighed & sed, “thass 4 sure.” then eva’z ‘rents gave the muscular peeps a hug & sed bye. i walked n the house & i sed 2 eva, “wut wuz that ‘bout?” eva sed, “i’m n trubble 4 our trip 2 the lake.” i sed, “i thot ur mom & dad were cube ‘bout the trip.” eva sed, “they were, but their friendz r not.” i sed, “who r their friendz?” eva sed, “u don’t wanna know.” it wuz weird. i had dinner with the abuyaz & the whole tyme mr. & mrs. abuya were lookin’ @me & mumblin’ sumthin’ ‘bout steve trevor. i guess he must b sum old bf of eva'z, but i don't wanna know.
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