Not passing out an' stuff
So, I sent an e-mail 2 Mom and Dad. When I write e-mail 2 them, I format it like a formal letter w/address blocks and salutation and all, cuz Mom or Dad alwayz prints it out, and then will complain if the e-mail isn't in "proper letter format". They R so stone age. So of course, Dad printed out this latest e-mail and read part of it to Mom. Dad told me that he read the part where I wrote, "Four days a week, I work on the farm. Thursday and Friday I work at the veterinary clinic and Sundays I have off. Laura and Dr. Simmons are letting me help with the surgery. It's cool to see what's inside a living body. I don't mind the blood and they're teaching me how to pass instruments." Dad sez that rite after he read that part, he went, "Hah! --I'm surprised she hasn't passed out!!!" Then he was all, "Elly?" Cuz Mom had her head down on the kitchen table with her eyes scrunched closed and her mouth at a weird angle, like it started down on the bottom of the rite side of her face and then shot up diagonally 2 just under her nose on the left. I sed 2 Dad mayB she ought 2 B checked 2 make sure she hasn't had a stroke, but Dad laffed me off as using "Martian humour".
So, peeps, does my Mom seem OK 2 U? U know, "OK 4 Elly Patterson". I know she'z not like regular ppl.
Apes
So, peeps, does my Mom seem OK 2 U? U know, "OK 4 Elly Patterson". I know she'z not like regular ppl.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:53 AM
14 Comments:
At 9:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I hope your mom is all right. I asked my mom about it, and she said your mom probably lost consciousness from having too much sugar and carbohydrates in her body. Mom said that although she and your mom have had disagreements in the past, she hopes she is well and gets a proper checkout by a proper doctor. Mom also says if it turns out to be the sugar and carbohydrates, she knows some diet plans which will help with that.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:10 AM,
howard said…
April,
Shannon is quite right. Your mother needs a thorough checkout. There was once a time when a woman fainting was considered to be high comedy, but fortunately today, people are not so idiotic.
Temporary loss of consciousness can be caused by heart conditions and conditions that do not directly involve the heart like dehydration, blood pressure medications, diabetes, or Parkinson's disease. I think it is safe to rule out pregnancy as a possible source, since your mom is has been going through menopause for awhile.
Sometimes people can faint after blood is drawn or after certain situational events, such as after urination, defecating, or coughing which subtley alter blood pressure. And there is also brain stroke and migraines.
There are so many things. I hope your father wises up and gets your mother checked out.
Howard K.
At 10:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
What's up with your mom? She just stopped by the station. She ate three cinnamon buns with extra frosting, a hot chocolate (plus refill), and a Milky Way Dark. Said something about blood and being lightheaded. I hope she doesn't have diabetes.
This was right after your dad bought two new packages of paper from the office supply section (he was complaining about SPAM the whole time). Your folks are aware that you can read email on-screen, right? That you don't need to print every single thing that shows up in the inbox? That can get expensive.
Hope you come home soon. Your parents, nice as they are, seem sorta lost without you around.
It's good to be back at work and smelling the cinnamon buns and gasoline again. Donna made a lot of progress on the backed-up accounts while I was gone, and someone (probably Gord) put the nice picture of Liz I used to keep hidden in the bottom drawer in a wooden frame with a little heart at the top. Only cloud is that the mechanics in the garage are calling me "Master Blaster." A$$holes.
Anthony
At 2:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. After a great week of writing, today we had the letdown. You wrote about dad reading an e-mail, and it was apparently so dull an e-mail that mom fell asleep while dad was reading it. I am sure it wasn’t helped by dad’s tendency to speak in a dull dentist monotone, like he does when he gives us lectures about proper dental care or tells us about how he runs his office; but cheeze, little sis. If you are going to do the “letter within a letter” technique, at least make it an interesting letter. Mom thinks she passed out from her blood not having enough pastry in it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it’s been innerestin’ 2day. eva came by the house & i showed her ur blog entry. we laffed a lot. eva sed, “mrs. patterson iz so squeamish, she faints @just the sound of the word ‘blood.’ she wud not b a v.good cowboy.” my mom sed 2 us, “wut r u2 laffin’ @?” so i read mom ur blog entry & wen i got 2 the part which wuz “it's cool 2c wut's nside a livin’ body. i don't mind the blood & they're teachin’ me how 2 pass instruments," my mom sed, “little april patterson, handlin’ blood & passin’ instruments” & then she turned pale & fainted. that scared the carp outa me & eva. mom woke up & sed, “wut happed?” i sed, “i red u april’s blog entry & u fainted.” my mom sed, “i did? thass unusual. i don’t remembah wut it sed.” so i red it again & got the same part & then my mom fainted again. eva sed, “this iz not rite. ur mom works n hospital. she shud not b faintin’.”
so, we took mom 2 hospital & they checked her out & gave her a lotta tests. the nurse asked mom a lotta questionz ‘bout whether she wuz preggers or not. then the nurse asked me wut happed & i sed, “i wuz readin’ april patterson’s blog entry 2 day & she fainted.” the nurse wunted 2c the blog entry 2c how shockin’ it wuz. i had printed it out, & the nurse sed, “we cud just look it up on-line, u didn’t hafta print it.” so, i red the blog entry & wen we got 2 the part where u talked ‘bout blood & instruments, the nurse sed, “sweet little aypo. she’z 2 little 2 handle blood & instruments” & then the nurse fainted. eva sed, “this iz so, so not rite. this iz hospital. she’z a nurse. she shudn’t have fainted.”
well a buncha othah nurses came in & a doc 2 wen the nurse fainted. she woke up & they let her sit down & then they asked eva & me wut happed. eva sed, “ur not gonna b-lieve it, but we think she fainted cuz she heard wut april patterson rote n her blog entry 2day.” well, they didn’t b-lieve us, so this tyme eva read it 2 them, just 2 make sure it wuzn’t just me. eva got 2 the bloody instruments part & the doc & all the nurses sed, “april patterson. she’z so angelic, so winsome. she iz a delicate little flower. she shudn’t be dealin’ w/blood & instruments” & then the whole bunch of them fainted. there were a lotta them & eva & 1 were trapped undah them 4 awhile till they woke up. eva sed, “docs & nurses don’t smell the same az on television.” they decided that mom wuz ok, & we promised not 2 read ur blog entry 2 her while she wuz drivin’.
mom went 2 work l8. she wuz a little ticked off i made her faint 2x. eva & i did the usual thing we do aftah mom goez 2 work. then we got cleaned up & went out 4 lunch. while we were there, eva spotted that teach i h8 frum skool. u know the english teach who assigns so much homework. she wuz eatin’ a big plate of sketti. i went ovah 2 her & sed, “teacher. it’s so good 2cu.” she sed, “jeremy jones. go away. i don’t wanna hafta deal w/u till skool starts.” i sed, “but teacher. i thot u mite wanna hear this composition april patterson rote ovah the summer.” she sed, “april patterson. how do i know it’s frum her?” i showed her the printout of ur blog entry w/the nice pink formattin’. then she read it & sed, “gentle and mild april. blood. instruments” & then she wuz face front n2 the sketti. eva sed, “jeremy jonez that wuzn’t nice.” i sed, “it serves her rite 4 ruinin’ so many good books last year.” eva sed, “english iz gonna b innerestin’ this year.”
we were eatin’ lunch while the teacher slept n her sketti. i sed, “this blog entry iz gr8. it’s like havin’ a super power.” eva sed, “it’s nothin’ like havin’ a super power.” i sed, “wutya mean?” eva sed, “wen u have a super power, it becomes part of ur lifetyle. if u go newhere u hafta look out 4 super-villainz & try 2 stop crimes. u hafta alwayz be ready 4 action. & most super-villainz don’t strut around yellin’ ‘i’m gonna take ovah the world. the world iz my personal space, baby.’ most supervillainz try 2 kill u or punch u out 1st. they’re dangerous.” i sed, “how did we get on this subject?” eva sed, “u brot it up.” i sed, “i wuz talkin’ ‘bout the super power of april’z blog entry.” eva sed, “thass like a power, but not a real super power. u can’t defend urself against a supervillain w/a blog entry.”
on the way back frum lunch, we got on the bus & there wuz the lady there who iz alwayz talkin’ ‘bout macin’ us if we get 2 close. i sed 2 her, “mrs. thomas. wud u like me 2 read u april patterson’s blog entry?” she sed, “teenager. the only readin’ ur gonna b doin’ iz readin’ the content label of my mace can.” she sprayed me so good, i passed out. wen i woke up. eva wuz there. she sed, “i told u it wuzn’t a superpower.” she wuz rite.
neway thass wut happed 2day. i thot u mite wanna know.
At 5:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) fainting, when your noos (father) was reading your e-mail. I hope she is all right. If the doctors look at her, they should examine her for food poisoning. That’s what the doctor in Otter County said I had after I visited your family in Milborough. I didn’t faint, but I did feel weak and I threw up a lot. Your sister said your noos (mother’s) food did not upset her at all. She said she is used to your noos (mother’s) cooking.
Last night, I went back to my usual 10 pm telephone conversation with your sister. She said when she was making dinner for her friend Anthony and his nindaan (daughter) last night, her other friend Gordon came to visit. She said Gordon told Anthony he wasn’t sick anymore and he needed to come back to work. Your sister was sad. She said making dinner for Anthony was one of the best things she ever did. She said, “Paul, I think I could make them dinner forever. It’s too bad he’s well again.” I can tell you, even though I have never met my sweet girl’s friend Anthony, when I found out he was well and Elizabeth wouldn’t be over at his house every night, I felt very happy. I even jumped up and down a few times and shouted “minawaanigozihe (I am joyous).” I wanted to celebrate with your sister. She said, “I don’t know why you are so happy, when I am so sad.” I said, “Your friend is healthy again. You should be happy.”
My sweet girl said, “Now what am I going to do with my evenings?” I said, “You could look for a new job.” Your sister said, “We have been through this before, Paul.” I said, “But Susan Dokis tells me the Peel School District Summer Institute training for New Teachers in Mississauga schools started this week. If you haven’t been invited there, then you weren’t handed a teaching job in Mississauga just because you are a Patterson.” My sweet said a few unkind words about the principal at the school where she taught this summer. Then she said, “Paul, I am surprised you have still not learned to put your trust in fate, I mean faith. Just because I wasn’t invited to teach in Mississauga does not mean some other school will not give me a job. I am a Patterson, after all.”
I said, “Susan Dokis told me school starts September 5 for the students and starts the week before for the teachers. That is next week. If you were going to be handed a job, you should know by now.” Then your sister got very quiet. Then I said, “Elizabeth. You know I love you, but maybe instead of putting all your trust in this fate thing, maybe you can let me help you. I know a lot of the school teachers in Otter County and I can take your resume and maybe I can find a job for you here. I know they are always looking for good teachers in Otter County. It has to be easier than letting fate find you a job in the South. If I find you a job, then I can come down to Mississauga with a truck and you can move in with me.”
Your sister said, “I can’t believe you would even suggest such a thing. I told you when I was offered the summer teaching job in Mississauga, I was so happy, I cried. I told you I knew then I couldn’t stay in the Northwest. I told you I miss my family too much. I told you it was my dream to score a real job in the South, instead of teaching up North. Why can’t you understand that?” The conversation did not get better after that. I think your sister is mad at me. I know your family is different from me. I read your writings about working as a farm hand for 4 days and working 2 days in a veterinary office. In Otter County, it would be incredible for a 15-year-old girl to do this. When I talk about this to your sister, she just says, “April is a Patterson. It is only right.” It is hard for me to understand.
I talked to Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper about it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). When did Elizabeth first tell you she was planning to move back South?” I said, “It was near the end of May.” Chipper said, “Vivian Crane said Elizabeth wouldn’t sign her contract almost a month before then. I don’t want speak badly of Elizabeth, but my guess is she already has a new job and she hasn’t told you yet.” I was surprised when Chipper said that. It would be funny if it were true, but not native humour kind of funny. If you hear your sister got a job, I would like to know.
Congratulations again on all your success in Winnipeg. Also, let me know if your ngashi (mother) is well.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
it's so weird that all those ppl fainted after hearing my blog entry read 2 them. apparently, my mom did get checked out, rite around the same time yr mom was getting checked out, jeremy, and pretty much the same thing happed. xxcept insteada ppl reading my blog entry, they were reading the e-mail my dad printed out.
anthony, i've told my 'rents a zillion times they don't hafta print out all their e-mail, but they just look @ me like i'm crayzee.
well, mike, u can't please every1.
paul, liz hasn't sed nething 2 me abt having a job offer. if she'z keeping sumthing fr. u, she'z also keeping it fr. me.
apes
At 6:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I believe the quote is, “You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time, unless you are a Patterson.”
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
no, u're getting confused w/the quote abt fooling ppl.
apes
At 6:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Pattersons do not fool people. Pattersons are very honest. If there is a quote about a Patterson fooling people, then it is obviously wrong.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
gah, u r so patterson-centric. it's not about pattersons, it's a general quote 4 every1: "u can fool sum of the ppl all of the time, & all of the ppl sum of the time, but u can't fool all of the ppl all of the time." it doesn't mention pattersons @ all.
apes
At 8:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You have obviously been around the Cruikshanks and Winnipeg a little too long. I am not sure why you would want to spend time with people who want to fool people all the time or part of the time. Well, you'll be home soon and all this will be settled out. Being back in the South has definitely put Liz back to where she should be. You should have seen her at mom's second day of birthday party. She was all Anthony this and Anthony that. She was back to the old Liz I remembered. Mom said it was the best birthday present she could have gotten.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, it's not a cruikshank xxpression or a winnipeg xxpression! i didn't just hear abt it this summer. it's just a well known xxpression. u r so out of it. no1 here is planning 2 fool ne1.
apes
p.s. liz shd not b "anthony this" and "anthony that" cuz paul is liz's bf. y do u act like paul doesn't matter?
At 9:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I guess you have been fooled already and just don't know it. Let me give you an example. When you went to Winnipeg, did you know you were going there to work as a farm hand, or did you think you were just visiting some relatives and helping out a little? Hum? As you can see, the Cruikshanks can be tricky up there.
As for Liz, you know how the Lizardbreath is when she has a supposed boyfriend who doesn't come to see her. He hasn't visited Liz since July 6, and now it's almost September 6. Supposedly he is going to get a job transfer to Toronto, but it's been almost 2 months and where is he? It's just like dad keeps saying. "Liz's young man sounds like he wants to stay in the bush!" Or as Liz keeps saying, "Seeing is believing."
Anthony is now single and right here in town, and he can see Liz as often as she wants to be seen. If he's smart, he will learn the lesson he didn't learn last time they were dating and propose to Liz before she moves again. That's the only way she will ever get married. If her constable boyfriend had proposed before she decided to move from wherever it was she was living, she might have married him. Liz's boyfriends have never seemed to figure out that she is like a moving target trying to find the guy fast enough to catch her.
I don't know why courtship has to be so hard. I love my lovely Dee, but when I think back to what she put me through to propose to her and marry her, a lesser man than Michael Patterson wouldn't have stood a chance. Fortunately it's been worth it. With Liz, Anthony is going to find he married a woman who doesn't clean and can barely cook a decent casserole without burning it. Of course, after the Quebecoise woman he was married to, Liz will be an incredible improvement.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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