April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

MY Room!

Mom was sewing, and I went up 2 her and asked, "If Elizabeth has a teaching job near here, does that mean seh'll B moving back in w/us?" Mom was all, "I don't know, April." And sumhow she sed this all while keeping her mouth clamped shut around a str8 pin! I was, like, "B-cuz.... I don't wanna give up my room! I know it used 2 B hers, but it's MINE now. U guyz let me totally redecor8 it, and...." Mom took out the str8 pin 2 say, "Honey, if Liz moves back in, it will only B until she finds a place of her own." And I was all "Y wd she do that, when it's so much cheaper 2 live @ home?" Mom got a stunned look on her face, so I was like, "I just stunned U w/logic, didn't I." But I'm thinking it cda been sumthing else that stunned her, like how my hands deformed in2 spindly little claws as my jaw, having lost its definition, sank down in2 them. And my eyes turned in2 2 apostrophes, as they sumtymez do. Or Mom mighta been thinking, "No! It's two down, one 2 go! No steps backwardz away fr. an empty nest! Empty nest, EMPTY NEST!" .

Maybe.

NEway, I asked Mom Y Mike keeps hinting that there's sum dark secret abt her and Dad that makes them sumhow not an xxception to the "childhood sweetheart/destiny" rule, a secret I don't get to know until I'm 18 or married. Mom burst out laffing with her tung way out. I had 2 dry myself off, her spittle flew so hard. Then she sed, "OMG, does he still believe that tale John and I spun, all because his Michael head couldn't handle the idea that some rules indeed have xxceptions?" And I was all, "It loox that way, but what's the story?" Mom chuckled and sed, "It's so ridiculous, I was sure Mike had figured out it was fiction by now. But I'll have 2 save it for another time, I have 2 finish up this sewing and then Connie wants 2 jog." W/that she stuck the sr8 pin back in2 her mouth and got bizzy again.

Liz, I'd B glad 2 scope out thoze rental adz 4 U in the paper! After all, I can't leave the house 4 a while, I mite as well find sumthing 2 do!!!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM  

32 Comments:

  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    WTF? Y is Liz coming back 2 Mboro? Plus yr 'rents r going on & on abt how big the house is but they want 2 give Liz yr room? Y can't Liz have Mike's old room or yr old room instead of yr now room?

    I have a gr8 idea. Y dont u call that tv show Love It Or Lose It> & c if they will give yr room an xtreme makeovah so Liz h8s it & gives it back 2 u. If u cant get on the show, mayb I cld come back ovah & help u spray paint yr room black.

    Sorry abt my attempt 2 suck up 2 yr mom. If u dont already no, yr mom dcided that shes serving Seafood Surprise @ Lizs Welcome Home Party.

     

  • At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Mom told me one time that the reason her and Dad didn't marry their childhood sweethearts is that they didn't have any, Mom was hung up on Bobby Curtola until she met Dad and rock stars don't count, and Dad couldn't get a date before Mom because of his big chin and nose and the Coke bottle glasses, he wasn't attractive to anyone before he went to dental school and then he was a catch because he would make good money and be able to support a family in a nice way and let Mom only dabble in a career if she felt like it but probably mostly stay home and complain about housework and kids, but you know she loves us deep down underneath, I asked Anthony what he thought about that one time and he said Mom would not of spaced her kids out so much if she did not want to have one around for as long as possible, Anthony is so smart. That is the exception Mom means, Mike is just jerking you around, I hate him, he is such an ass, if he keeps calling me Lizardbreath I am going to stop talking to him forever, maybe you should too, doesn't he call you Alpo sometimes? We learned that kind of stuff is emotional abuse in some of the classes we had to take to get certified for teaching, we shouldn't put up with it anymore, I think it has really scarred me.

    Liz

     

  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

    I REGRET TO ADVISE YOU THAT I CANNOT JOIN YOU AT YOUR TOOPID'S CEREMONIAL FEAST. DO NOT EAT THE SEAFOOD SURPRISE, EVEN IF IT IS SPRINKLED WITH POUNCE OR WHISKAS TO TEMPT YOU. IT IS SAID THAT EVEN THE RACCOONS ON SHARON PARK DRIVE ARE REPELLED BY PATTERSON GARBAGE AFTER SEAFOOD SURPRISE MEALS.

    YOURS ALWAYS,
    FAUSTUS

     

  • At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Guys,

    How does this sound? It's an advert I'm writing for the Milborough Shopper:

    ROOM FOR RENT (CHEAP!) - Lge brm w/ prv bath in sng fmly home that needs a woman's touch. Garage sp incl. Some childcare r'qud. Cnvnt for Glenallen schls. Ideal for tchr w/ cat. No bfrnd visits pls. Cntc Mayes Real Estate Ventures Inc.


    Does it do the job?

    Anthony

     

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Your sister living in Milborough, in your house, in your room!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaugh!!!!!

    I think I am going to go to a jewelry store and buy Elizabeth an engagement ring, and Becky can't stop me this time.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howie, if u propose 2 liz, i will have dad chop ur hed off w/ battle troll. u can't mbarrass me like that!!! u can't leave me 4 a fat assed spineless patterson!!! AUGH!!!

    becks

     

  • At 11:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Elizabeth flower,

    I understand from your mother via that brown-haired girl that it will be a few more years before you meet "Mr. Right" and are ready to get married. In that case, I hope you will consider waiting until I turn 18, so that we might enter the state of holy matrimony. I promise to be an excellent husband to you. I am even willing to become a dentist, play with model trains, and wear coke bottle glasses, just like your dear old Dad.

    I have already withdrawn some money from my trust fund to purchase a lovely 5-carat diamond engagement ring for you. I beg you to accept my proposal! If you don't, I supposse I can always marry your younger sister, but her Patterson allure is nowhere near as strong as yours! You are the most amazing flower who ever lived!

    I hear you like ballroom dancing. So do I.

    Call me.

    Devotedly, Gerald Forsythe

     

  • At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MY DEAREST BELOVED FAUSTUS,

    DON'T WORRY, I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE DEADLY POISON THAT IS PATTERSON COOKING. I MADE THE MISTAKE OF EATING SOME LEFTOVER MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH KETCHUP THE OTHER NIGHT. I GOT SICK ALL OVER MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND'S BED, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT I LEFT IN THE LITTER BOX LATER. I THOUGHT MY INSIDES WERE FALLING OUT.

    I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE NOT FAWNING ALL OVER MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN IN MILBOROUGH. IT'S DISGUSTING.

    ANGRA MAINYU

     

  • At 2:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    To Howard Gerald and any other admirers,

    Sorry I am not interested, Howard, I know that horrible Becky McGuire doesn't mind having a gay househusband but I don't want one, when the man stays home with the baby it doesn't add up, also we like Lawrence but a Patterson can't be gay, we are friends with minorities but we never have them in the family, we can ballroom dance though if you want to, my gay ballroom dancing friend is too busy with hockey and law school to help me understand my feelings anymore let alone to go dancing.

    Gerald you are a very sweet boy and handsome, you look almost just like my old ballroom dancing friend Dennis North except April tells me you are straight, but you were informed wrongly by my mom through April, I do not want to wait a few more years to find Mr. Right, I want to get married soon, I am already 25 and that is an old maid, I need to get married before I'm 30 and my eggs all dry up, also if I remember right you are pre-engaged to my sister already, that is a sacred bond that you can't just rush off and break to be with someone else, there needs to be a waiting period, that's what's proper for Pattersons, no matter what Mike might tell you, that's how it works out in the end so you might as well accept it.

    I am already pretty sure of who fate is going to make me marry, and it's not either of you boys, sorry, I hope your hearts arent' too broken, I know there is something earrezistuble about me.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    Thank God I have you as my "backup Patterson!" I couldn't stand it if I had to go through what Anthony has gone through, suffering through years of wondering if I would get any Patterson at all.

    Devotedly, you pre-fiance, Gerald

     

  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i just thot i wud let u know i am so lookin’ 4-ward 2 havin’ u az my sis-n-law. i wuz hangin’ ‘round this girl w/purplish-grayish skin & this guy w/a red & yellow cape, wen i suddenly knew i needed 2 marry ur sis, elizabeth. elizabeth iz such a beautiful name. i can’t w8 2b mr. elizabeth patterson. neway, i told the girl w/purplish-grayish skin i wuz gonna buy an engagement ring 4 ur sis, elizabeth. elizabeth. elizabeth. i just luv typin’ that. oh, yeah. i got 2 the jewelry store & there wuz a big line of guyz. by the tyme i got 2 the front, the jeweler sed he wuz all sold out & he wuz down 2 selling pull-off tabs from soda cans. i got 1 neway. i think i got the best 1, cuz i know ur sis drinks generic cola & not sum name brand. i wuz gonna go rite 2 ur sis & propose, but the girl w/purplish-grayish skin punched me out. she hits pretty hard. i think i lost consciousness 4 awhile. i woke up n wut looks like a storage closet. 4tun8ly, i still have my cell. cud u send sum1 2 rescue me? i don’t wanna b the last 1 2 propose 2 ur sis.

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    My brother Blair woke up this morning and said he was going to marry your sister, Elizabeth. My dad told my mom, he wanted to marry your sister too, and he asked for a divorce. My mom hit him over the head with a frying pan and knocked him out. She wasn’t fast enough to catch my brother. If you see my brother proposing to your sister, could you knock him out with a frying pan? My mom would really appreciate it. I would love if your sister married Blair. Then we could be related.

    Thanks,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger howard said…

    My beloved Elizabeth,

    I would be most honoured to take such an exquisite creature as you, ballroom dancing. When you would like to go. Tonight? This afternoon? In a few minutes? Let me know.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I was quite happy to read your Blog entry this morning to see that at least you are thinking ahead to Liz’s arrival back in the house on Sharon Park Drive. Contrary to what mom told you about Liz moving in being temporary, it seems entirely possible to me that Liz will mishandle her romantic relationships yet again, and have to remain there for a considerable time for the cost savings. Trying to protect your living area is a good move, although I do not know how successful you will be. Mom favours seniority. Remember how you had to move around when Grandpa Jim was in the house.

    I know in my life there were two periods in which I considered making a move back home. After university, when I was unemployed, I thought about moving back, but fortunately my good friend and companion Josef Weeder pointed out that despite the financial benefits of such an endeavour, there are certain activities in which young men may engage, of which I don’t believe mom and dad would approve. So, we decided to continue as partners in both our professional and living situations. There were so many things I experienced living as a working man with Weed, which I certainly would never have experienced living with mom, and which I credit for making me into the writer I am today.

    The second occasion in which I considered it was when I had been fired by Portrait Magazine for doing my superb Divala expose. I remember well my lovely Deanna informing me that the only way we would ever move into the Sharon Park Drive house was if we bought it and mom and dad were living elsewhere. Deanna finds some of mom’s cleaning habits a little unnerving, and even though she can tolerate it for a visit, a longterm stay would not be possible. I think it is because of mom’s yelling, swearing and growling as she cleans. I know when I was younger, I tried to avoid being around mom when she was in one of her cleaning moods, as I am sure you do now.

    I credit my resolve in each case to Deanna and Weed. You need to have someone in your life to keep you from moving back into your parent’s house. If Elizabeth does move back into the Sharon Park Drive house, it is clear evidence of her failure to accomplish this basic task. I know you like to make a big deal about Liz’s relationship with her constable boyfriend, but Liz moving in would be yet more evidence of the true nature of that relationship, which I expect you will continue to ignore.

    In the meantime, good luck with finding Liz a place and protecting your room.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 4:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your conversation with your ngashi (mother) and you talking about my sweet girl moving in your house. I like reading your view on things which affect your sister’s and my life. When I called your sister for our usual 10 pm phone conversation, she told me she was busy getting ready to move, and I should check my e-mail instead. In the e-mail, there was a message from your sister saying: “Dear Paul-Great News! I am thinking about moving in with my mother in Milborough. It would be so much cheaper to live at home. 117 days until I see you again. Liz.”

    I don’t think I knew when your sister said she wanted to live closer to family, how close she really meant. I keep on working for my transfer to Toronto, even though I was discouraged by the early rejection I got. I can see my sweet girl wants to live in Milborough and not Glenallen, where she works. I hope she does not mean, after my transfer, she would want us to live with your ningitiziim (parents). Your ningitiziim (parents) are nice, but I would prefer for us to have our own place.

    I mentioned your sister’s move to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. Chipper said, “Elizabeth is thinking about moving in with her ngashi (mother)?” I said, “That’s what she e-mailed me.” Chipper said, “Did you get her gigishkaajige (pregnant), Paul?” I said, “No.” Chipper said, “Maybe someone else got her gigishkaajige (pregnant).” I said, “Elizabeth would not do that. She is not that kind of woman.” Chipper said, “If she can do it with you, she can do it with another man. The only reason an educated Ojibway woman with a paying job moves back in with her ngashi (mother) is when she is pregnant, and she cannot count on the noos (father) for support.” I said, “Elizabeth is not an Ojibway woman, and I am not the kind of man who would abandon my child or the ngashi (mother) of my child.” Chipper said, “Sorry, Suds. Promise me you didn’t get Elizabeth gigishkaajige (pregnant).” I said, “Chipper. I promise you. There is no way that is possible.” Chipper said, “No way. Oh Suds. You’ve been dating since when?” I said, “November last year.” Then Chipper said, “Last November?” Then she started laughing. I said, “What’s so funny?”

    Chipper said, “Suds. When I first met Elizabeth, she had it all. The kids in her class hung on every word she said. She had this great job with almost no living expenses, a community that adored her, parent support for any school activity she decided to plan, a gorgeous boyfriend who would do anything for her and who was taking a career hit just to move closer to her, and she was in an environment completely different from the one she grew up in. She was her own woman. She made a place for herself. She had everything most women would possibly want. When I met her, I was in awe of her. She was everything I wanted to be.” I said, “I don’t understand.” Chipper said, “Elizabeth has taken everything of apiitenimohe (pride) in her life and thrown it away. To move in with her ngashi (mother), she has lost all her apiitenimohe (pride). She is ango (reduced somebody to nothing) on herself.” I said, “But she has gotten what she wanted—to be more involved with her family’s life.” Chipper said, “There are other ways to do that and keep your apiitenimohe (pride).”

    I did not like my conversation with Chipper, so I called my ngashi (mother) and mentioned your sister’s move. My ngashi (mother) said, “You got her gigishkaajige (pregnant), Paul? What is the matter with you? You should be helping her take care of my noozhishenh (grandchild).” So, I had to explain to my ngashi (mother) that your sister was not gigishkaajige (pregnant). I hope my conversations go better tomorrow.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Man, I am sooper-pissed. I just got back from visiting Gordie @ North York General, & all he could talk about was how stoked yr sister Liz got him. “It’s like I see those pics of her on the Pattersons’ site, n those grandma Sears blouses & mac n cheese spewing outta her mouth, & it’s better than pulling off a McTwist @ the Xgames. Vicki babe, when I get outta here, I’m gonna look 4 some mac n cheese perfume 4 u.” I was like, “Gordie, I’ll buy u like 50 boxes of the Kraft stuff @ Wal-Mart & we don’t hafta talk about this again!” Then I stormed out. I so hope it's the Percocet talking.

    So I’m @ Starbucks by Lilliputs if ne1 wants 2 join me. I’m drinking a caramel macchiato by the window, typing on my Sidekick, sulking.

    Vicks

     

  • At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg, howie has gone totally nuts. he is wearing his tuxedo an' dancing around the house, like ballroom dancing, xxcept his partner is invisible. he's humming an' singing 2 himself:

    i know u
    i walked w/ u 1ce upon a dream
    i know u
    the gleam in ur eyez is so familiar a gleam
    yes i know it's true
    that visions r seldom what they seem
    but if i know u
    i know what u'll do
    u'll luv me at 1ce
    the way u did 1ce upon a dream

    then i wuz like "howie, that song is sooooo getting old!" an' he sed "that's ok, this 1 is more 2 the point," an' he started singing this:

    tale as old as time
    true as it can be
    barely even friends
    then somebody bends
    unexpectedly

    just a little change
    small, to say the least
    both a little scared
    neither one prepared
    beauty and the beast

    ever just the same
    ever a surprise
    ever as before
    ever just as sure
    as the sun will rise
    tale as old as time
    tune as old as song
    bittersweet and strange
    finding you can change
    learning you were wrong

    certain as the sun
    rising in the east
    tale as old as time
    song as old as rhyme
    beauty and the beast

    an' i wuz like "howie, i think u've been watching 2 many disney flix."

    i called dad. he is gonna put a end 2 this liz infatuation, even if it kills howie. he is bsmirching my honor. that's what dad sez. i'm not sure what "bsmirching" is but i def feel dishonored.

    i think us girls who have got dumped by r men should get 2gether at starbucks rite now. c u all there!

    becks

     

  • At 5:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,

    A dream is a wish your heart makes
    When you're fast asleep
    In dreams you lose your heartaches
    Whatever you wish for, you keep
    Have faith in your dreams and someday
    Your rainbow will come smiling thru
    No matter how your heart is grieving
    If you keep on believing
    the dream that you wish will come true

    Dreaming of you,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard,

    Wow, I didn't know you would take me seriously about the dancing. I, um, don't have any time right now, I have a new job, I have a lot of stuff to do, like stacks of material, I don't think I will have time for dancing or even socializing for awhile, probably not until Christmas, but I am counting the days and stuff.

    I can give you the number of some people I know who like ballroom dancing, Dennis North is one I know who is gay and Gerald Forsythe also, I'm not sure if he's gay, he likes dancing but he dates April.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:00 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,

    I will but count the days until our Christmas ballroom dancing date. I know Dennis and Gerald. They are but faint glimmers in the twilight compared to your brightness and radiance. I hope you don't mind if I compose love sonnets to you. Do you prefer words that rhyme with Liz or Elizabeth better?

    Mad for you,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard,

    Better that you're mad for me instead of mad at me!

    (sticky outty tongue laugh)

    Liz

     

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Beloved Elizabeth,

    Just the thought of your tongue waggling around and spewing saliva on anyone around you as you laugh, fills my heart with love. If you laugh around me, I don't think I will ever wash again. You also have a delightful sense of humour.

    Adoringly,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    doodz, so i tried 2 get out of the house 2 try an' meet vicks an' becks @ the bux, but the force field wdn't let me! & ger sent me a txt saying he didn't really dump me, j/k & all, but i can't help but remember he was ready 2 dump me 4 liz. liz sez i shdn't harsh on ger 4 that cuz the patterson allure is such a strong thing. she sez i'll c what it's like when my patterson allure hits its height when i'm older.

    neway, i don't think liz shd move back home. she'z been out on her own, and moving in2 the house again wd b a giant step backwardz. liz, u'd totally h8 it, u wd!

    apes

     

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, eva finally opened the door 2 the storage closet 2 lemme out. she gave me this amulet & wen i sed, “oh goody. jewelry 4 elizabeth” she punched me out again. wen i woke up, i had the amulet on & wuz kinda not innerested n ur sis nemore. i sed, “wut happed?” i noticed eva wuz standin’ next 2 this tall guy w/the red & yellow cape. she sed, “jeremy. this iz dr. stephen strange. i asked him 2 help us w/the april force field problem, remembah?” i sed, “not rilly.” dr. strange put out his hand & sed, “glad 2 meet eva’z sidekick.” eva sed, “bf.” dr. strange sed, “wtf? oh, i guess it must b an agin’ spell. do u want me 2 try 2 reverse it?” eva sed, “no. now jeremy’z brain iz clear, wut mboro needz iz a spell 2 remove wutevah it iz that iz makin’ all the guyz luv on elizabeth patterson.” dr. strange sed, “by the hoary hosts of hoggath, i will use my eye of agamotto 2c the truth of the matter.” then this big eye came outa his neck area & opened up. dr. strange sed, “hmm. this town haz a many spells placed on it. i will concentr8 on the elizabeth patterson spell.”

    then he waved hiz hands around & stuck his 2 outside fingahz up & his 2 inside fingahz out. there wuz a lotta smoke & i wuz kinda coffin’ a bit. then dr. strange sed, “i have found the source of the spellz. i must journey 2 a diffrent dimension where the world operates on its own rulez.” i sed, “dimension x?” eva sed, “the negative zone?” dr. strange sed, “no. i am going 2 corbeil.” then there wuz a big flash of lite & he wuz gone. i sed, “well he’z doomed, or he will come back az a dog.” eva sed, “he iz the sorcerer supreme, man. he can beat ne1.” i sed, “i’ll bet u the witch of the north kicks hiz butt.” eva sed, “ur on.”

    eva & i waited ‘round a bit & kinda made out & stuff. then there wuz a big flash of lite & dr. strange wuz back. eva sed, “did u kick the witch of corbeil’z butt?” dr. strange sed, “eva. the sorcerer supreme duz not kick peep’s butts. we restore world order.” i sed, “wut order did u restore?” dr. strange sed, “the witch of corbeil haz made the followin’ concessionz: (1) the general male populace of mboro w/1 xxception, will not b so n luv w/elizabeth patterson so they want 2 break up w/their wivez &gfs (2) april patterson can attend the end of summer party, but no othah visits by friendz b4 skool starts.” i sed, “i am v.v. mpressed.” dr. strange sed, “i am the sorcerer supreme, aftah all.” eva sed, “wut concessionz did u hafta make, dr. strange?” dr. strange sed, “(1) my manservant wong haz 2 make pastries & serve tea n corbeil 4 the next week, (2) i hafta do a little product placement 4 cafepress.com. if i uze the wand of wattoomb, it shud be no prob.”

    eva sed, “thanx. dr. strange.” i sed, “thanx. do u want ur amulet back?” dr. strange sed, “no. i have many othahz.” then he said, “by the hoary hosts of hoggath, i will leave this place.” then there wuz a lotta smoke & light & when my eyez cleared & i stopped coffin’, he wuz gone. eva sed, “i told u he would win.” i sed, “he didn’t xxactly win. have u seen the stuff cafepress.com sellz?” eva sed, “ur just tryin’ 2 get outa our bet, man. u lost.” i sed, “ok. wutya wunt az payment?” eva’z the type of girl where evn if u lost, u didn’t rilly lose.

     

  • At 6:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & i totally agree abt mike being emotionally abusive, liz. how many timez have u told him u don't wanna b called lizardbreath? mike also thinx it's funny 2 call me "little apegirl" sumtymez.

    apes

     

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jer! that's so cube abt the party! gr8 concession! i'm s00per-psyched!

    apes

     

  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Awesome, Apes! Me & Becks tried 2 get r minds off the Liz-allure sitch @ the Bucks by working on sum of the deets 4 the bash. She's been telling me all about sound & wiring specs, which is good since this is gonna b a major gig (heh heh, I said gig) 4 Burned Butt Casserole.

    The only glitch now--since Gordie shuld b out of the hospital by Friday--is distracting Gerald's aunt. C, Mrs. Forsythe & my mom bcame friends when my mom was teaching the writing class, & since my mom & dad r out "resacralizing their inner chakras" or whatevs--Mrs. F. agreed 2 teach the next class & 2 keep an eye on me 2 make sure I don't destroy the place. Obviously she's kinda busy, so she asked her sister to check in on me (Marjee stops by once a week or so too, but she's buzy @ the salon), & April can tell u she doesn't like loud music. So as soon as we can find a way to get her out 4 the nite, we'll b set. Me & Gordie have everything so well-planned I don't think nething could go wrong. :-)

    Vicks

     

  • At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Friendliest Vicki flower,

    My Aunt Lavinia should not be a problem. I have bribed her not to complain about any loud music at your house by promising to clean her cats' litter boxes every day for three months. Of course, if I fail, she has promised to report our party to Mater directly. But I don't expect any mishaps.

    Loyally, Gerald

     

  • At 10:09 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Yr the best, Ger! Me & Gordie can get u 1 of those Litter Robots 2 make the job ezier. & let me know when that CD Gordie ordered 4 yr aunt arrived. U can tell her how wonderful & soothing it is the day of the partee. She'll want 2 stay @ home, put on her noize-cancelling headphonez & play it all night!

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Most generous Vicki flower,

    Thank you for your kind offer of the Litter Robot, but I don't think that will work. My aunt bought one once, but it broke in less than a day. She has seven cats, named JonBenet, Anthrax, Trudeau, Santa Claws, Avogadro, Skeletor, and Jingles.

    Litter box duties at Aunt Vinny's house are quite onerous. I am training my brother and Aunt Vinny's Great Dane, Lebowski, to help me out. I am sure that they will be able to cover for me re: litter box duties on party night, without any difficulties.

    Friendily yours, Gerald

     

  • At 1:16 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    GREETINGS TO TRUDEAU,

    ARE YOU PIERRE ELLIOTT, MARGARET, JUSTIN, ALEXANDRE (SASHA) OR MICHEL TRUDEAU? I ADMIRE YOU ALL. YOU ARE CANADIAN ROYALTY.

    MY NAME IS FALSTAFF. I LIVE IN MILBOROUGH, VERY NEAR SHARON PARK DRIVE. I AM A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE MALE CAT LOOKING FOR A COMPANION FOR MY GOLDEN YEARS. NEUTERED COMPANIONS VERY WELCOME.

    I'M AWAKE AT LEAST 3 HOURS EVERY DAY. MY FAVOURITE THINGS ARE FOOD, SLEEP, SCRATCHIES, AND LASER POINTER GAMES. IF YOU THINK WE MAY BE COMPATIBLE, LET ME KNOW.

    CHEERS,
    FALSTAFF

     

  • At 2:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FALSTAFF,

    TRUDEAU HERE. MANY THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS. MY HUMAN FRIEND (WHO IS COOL, AND NOT A "TOOPID," AS YOUR FAUSTUS WOULD SAY) NAMED ME AFTER PIERRE TRUDEAU. I AM A MALE CAT.

    I AM NOT SURE WHETHER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR MALE OR FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP. IN OUR HOUSE, ONLY JONBENET AND JINGLES ARE FEMALE.

    WE ARE ALL SPAYED/NEUTERED EXCEPT FOR ANTHRAX. NO ONE CAN CATCH THAT LITTLE PUNK TO DO IT TO HIM. I RECOMMEND AVOIDING HIM. HE IS A SEX OFFENDER. WE TRIED TO GET HIM LISTED ON THE NATIONAL REGISTRY, BUT THEY DON'T TAKE CATS.

    SKELETOR IS EVIL, BUT HARMLESS. HIS EVIL SCHEMES ALWAYS GO AWRY. IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

    AVOGADRO IS THE BRAINY ONE OF THE BUNCH.

    JONBENET IS AN UNDERAGE HOTTY.

    JINGLES IS A BIT OF A DIMWIT.

    SANTA CLAWS HAS TORN UP EVERY RUG IN THE HOUSE.

    WE LIVE WITH A BIG OLD HORSE DOG NAMED LEBOWSKI. HE LIKES CATS. YOU'LL KNOW HIM IF YOU EVER SEE HIM ON THE STREET--HE WEARS A BOWLING SHIRT.

    PERHAPS WE COULD MAKE DINNER PLANS TO GET BETTER ACQUAINTED?

    YOURS TRULY, TRUDEAU

     

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