April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Liz writes 2 Paul abt the job

Liz shared an e-mail she wrote 2 Paul: "Dear Paul--Great news! I've got a full-time teaching position at a school that's about 16 miles from where I grew up! I had an interview today and came home with stacks of material. The teacher I'm replacing left so suddenly that nobody was prepared. This means I'll have a schedule, predictable hours, and I can come to see you during the holidays." She sez that after she wrote that, she thot, "This will B the first time since I was a child that I counted the days until Christmas!"

Ha, Mike, HA! Liz still luvs PAUL! Maybe U can stop pimping Anthony and trying 2 ruin Liz's relationship with PAUL, eh?

Jeremy, Eva, sorry that force field kept us fr. getting 2gether. I guess I probably won't C U till Tuesday!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:05 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 8:49 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, Zed & I r @ Pearson w/ my 'rents. Perdita & Gran & Andy just cot their flite back 2 Barbados. Ill b back in Mboro this aft.

    The more I think abt it the more I think that Pattersons have freaky gr8 luck. 1st Mike gets a ticket ritten down & now Liz jumps the queue & gets a sweet union job 4 life. I hope yr mom still likes me alot mayB she will adopt me so I can have sum Patterson luck 2.

    L8r. Ill b ovah 2 compliment yr mom on her Seafood Surprise dish.

    p.s. Cst. Wright, y cant u c Liz b4 Xmas? Cant u come down 4 Thanksgiving or take a cpl of days off or sumthing?

     

  • At 8:56 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

    OUR PATIENCE HAS BEEN REWARDED. YOUR TOOPID IS NOW ONLY 25.749504 KM AWAY FROM MINE. I WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE SOON, WITH A CHOICE SELECTION FROM THE GREEN BIN FOR YOUR DINING PLEASURE. I AM DROOLING AS I ANTICIPATE THE CHRISTMAS FEAST OF MOUNTIE THAT YOU HAVE SO CLEVERLY AND THOUGHTFULLY PLANNED FOR US.

    YOURS ALWAYS,
    FAUSTUS

     

  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister’s e-mail to me about her full-time teaching position. As soon as I read it, I called my sweet girl up and said congratulations on getting the perfect job, so close to Milborough. I told her that since this weekend was Labour Day and I usually get all 3 days off of the 3-day holidays, I could drive down from Otter County and help her move from her apartment in Mississauga to her new apartment in Glenallen. I told her I could take her out to wherever she wants to go to give her a proper congratulation, like a boyfriend should. Your sister said, “Paul. I am counting down the days until I see you again at Christmas. I can’t count down the days until Labour Day.” I said, “Christmas? Why Christmas? I might have my job transfer to Toronto by Christmas.” Your sister said, “No, Paul. I have my heart set on Christmas.”

    Because I was calling from work, just then, my supervisor came to my desk with my new work schedule. I told your sister, “Hold on, just a moment, new full-time teacher. My supervisor just gave me my new schedule and I can tell exactly when I have 3 days off to see you.” I looked at the schedule and I was surprised. I said to my supervisor, “Why am I working every single weekend and holiday between now and Christmas? Why don’t I have any 3 days off between now and Christmas?” My supervisor said, “Sorry, Paul. That’s the way it is. Reordering of the schedules came down from a very high source. Someone very powerful took an interest. I can’t change it.” I couldn’t believe it. I said to my sweet girl, “I’m looking at my schedule and there’s no way I can visit you between now and Christmas.” My sweet girl said, “Oh, Paul. You see, it was fate again. If we were meant to see each other before Christmas, then this wouldn’t have happened. But don’t worry; I will e-mail all the news from Milborough. You won’t miss a thing.”

    I said, “What if my transfer to Toronto comes before Christmas?” Your sisters said, “I have feeling your transfer is not going to happen before Christmas.” I said, “How do you know? You’re not working for the Ontario Provincial Police in Toronto.” Your sister said, “I just have a feeling.” Then my supervisor handed me a letter. She said, “This was just delivered in the mail.” It was from the Toronto Division OPP. It said, “Constable Paul Wright. We regret to inform you that we have no vacancies for the Toronto OPP at this time. Please resubmit your request after Christmas.” I read the letter to my sweet girl and she said, “I thought that’s what would happen. You see, Paul. It’s fate that you can’t transfer your job right now and your work schedule won’t allow you to visit until Christmas.”

    I said, “Wait! Elizabeth. You told me once you got your car, we might be able to meet halfway. I know the most time I have off is 2 days, but maybe we could meet halfway.” Your sister said, “Do you have any 2 days off which are not when I would be teaching?” I looked over my schedule and every time I had 2 days off, it was during the middle of a week. I couldn’t believe it. I told that to your sister and she said, “You see, Paul. If fate wanted us to be together before Christmas, you would have at least 2 days over a weekend or a teacher’s holiday. This is just perfect.” I said, “I don’t get to see you until Christmas, and by the time I do, it will be 6 months since I last saw you. That doesn’t sound perfect to me.” Your sister said, “But Paul. Remember. This will be the first time since I was a child that I counted the days until Christmas. It is all worth it for that. Christmas with you will mean so much to me.” I said, “I am really looking forward to Christmas too, since I can’t see you before then.”

    I said, “Wait! I can just take some vacation time off to see you. That would solve any problem with work schedule.” My supervisor heard me say that and she said, “Be sure to check your new work schedule for the days you are allowed to take for vacation.” I was shocked. Marked on the schedule was that it was mandatory my vacations days could not be on weekends or holidays.” I told my sweet girl, “I am really looking forward to Christmas too, since I don’t think I can see you before then.” Your sister said, “That’s what I thought. I am starting counting now. Today is 118 days until I see you again.”

    After that conversation with my sweet girl, I was very upset. I called my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. I told her what happened. Chipper said, “Suds (her nickname for me). Elizabeth has debizi (luck). If you don’t get to see her until Christmas, it’s because it is debizi (luck) for her that you don’t.” I said, “I don’t understand. Why is it debizi (luck) for her not to see her boyfriend until Christmas? I don’t think that is debizi (luck).” Chipper said, “Suds. It hurts me to see you try so hard to fight Elizabeth’s debizi (luck). I know you don’t get days off, except in the middle of the week anymore, but if you drive to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) on your days off, when I get off from work, we can spend the rest of the day together. I will try to cheer you up.” I told her I hoped she could.

    It is not all bad, April. Like you said, my sweet girl still loves me and wants to be with me. I can count down the days until Christmas like she is doing. I already tried to get people to shift some of their work hours for mine, so I could get a weekend or holiday off. They usually say, “Wright. For the last year, you didn’t work a single holiday or a weekend. This schedule change seems like justice to me.” I would think justice, but I think it is really fate. If I meet fate, she’s going to hear some really bad words from me.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz & April,

    I just had a meeting with Gordo about my new work hours. Gord finally got around to reading some of the laws about flexible scheduling for single parents, and he worked out this great new schedule for me where I start really early, like around 7am, and get off about 3:30. It matches up with Francoise's Cherubim Care schedule perfectly.

    Every weekend is free, which is strange since Saturday is almost always our busiest day. Gordo said Donna could handle the evening transactions and weekends (She's getting another .50 an hour to reflect her new responsibilities! She stamped her feet so hard she broke a heel, she was that excited to hear it! Then she went in to Gord's to scream out her delight at Gordon, and he screamed back "Families come first!" which was kind of odd since Donna is single and likes Friday and Saturday nights off). The only Saturday I have to work is the day Liz's car comes in for the three-month new buyer check-up, isn't that fabulous? We can have cinnamon buns!

    Delightedly,

    Anthony

     

  • At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz,

    Oh, forgot to say one other thing: I was so happy to get the phone call about your new job last night. Seemed like we talked for five minutes but it turned out to be three hours!

    What are the chances that, out of all Ontario, a teacher would leave her husband and go back to England a couple of days before term, opening a position only 25km from Milborough, and you were the first one they called? If gambling weren't evil, I'd tell you to buy lotto tickets.

    You could practically ride your bike from your folks' house!

    Good things happen to good people.

    Anthony

     

  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, eva iz not willin’ 2 give up. she came by the house this mornin’ 2 take me ovah 2 her house. her ‘rents were outside & sayin’, “eva. i can’t b-lieve u bothered dr. richards w/this nonsense.” eva sed, “sorry mom. i thot he cud help.” then this car kinda floated outa the sky & landed rite b-side eva’z house. i sed, “thass so cube. the carz ‘round mboro don’t hover newhere az high az that.” eva’z ‘rents were ovah talking 2 this tall skinny guy, w/a little gray hair on the sides of his head. then he came ovah 2 me & eva. he sed, “eva. i haven’t seen u since u were little. & this old man b-side u iz ur sidekick?” eva sed, “bf.” the man sed 2 me, “how old ru?” i sed, “15 yrs old.” he sed, “sum1 use an agin’ ray on u? i didn’t bring my agin’ ray reversal equipment.” eva sed, “no. dr. richards, thass just how sum 15 yr olds look n this town.” the man sed, “call me reed.” then he sed 2 me, “i guess u haven’t seen 2 many peeps who can change their body shape” & his arm kinda stretched out 2 shake my hand. i sed, “call me jeremy. & actually lots of peeps ‘round here can stretch like that.” dr. richards sed 2 eva’z ‘rents “iz this a town 4 our people?” eva’z ‘rents sed they didn’t think so.

    then he sed 2 eva, “well, eva. show me this force field.” so we drove ovah 2 ur house & got out. dr. richards took out sum kinda weird equipment & sed, “my instruments r not detectin’ ne unusual energy sources, just a high concentration of carbohydrates.” then he walked rite up to the door & sed, “ru sure there’z a force field here?” eva sed, “watch az jeremy & i try 2 walk 2 the house.” so we walked up & ran rite n2 the force field & it knocked us on our butts. dr. richards sed, “most unusual. a force field for teenagers only. i am not sure this field operatez on the laws of our physical universe.”

    just then ur mom popped outa the house & sed, “sorry eva. jeremy. i told u yestahday, the witch of the north wants april 2 stay home & not c her friendz till skool starts.” then she spotted dr. richards. she sed, “xxcuze me, sir. ru w/them?” dr. richards sed, “yes. i am tryin’ 2 nvestigate this force field thass blockin’ them. did i hear u correctly. it’s a witch causin’ it?” ur mom sed, “i don’t b-lieve we have been introduced. i’m elly patterson, retired bookstore owner & wife of dr. john patterson, d.d.s & mother of portrait magazine editor michael patterson.” dr. richards sed, “i am dr. reed richards, scientist & husband of sue richards & father of franklin & valeria richards.” ur mom sed, “ur a richards?” dr. richards sed, “yes.” ur mom sed, “i’m a richards 2. it wuz my maiden name.” then she nvited dr. richards nside.

    eva & i just kinda stood there. i sed, “wudya wanna do?” eva sed, “this wuzn’t wut i wuz xxpectin’.” i sed, “wudya mean?” eva sed, “it means it’s actually magick & not sum force field.” i sed, “& the diffrence is?” eva sed, “dr. richards iz a scientist. he duzn’t know ‘bout magick.” i sed, “mebbe it izn’t that mportant. we will c april n skool next week.” eva sed, “a cowboy duzn’t give up, just cuz he runz n2 a strange cow.”

    then dr. richards came outa the house w/ur mom. he sed, “thanx 4 the muffins, elly. if u r evah n new york, stop by the baxter building.” eva sed, “wut did u find out?” dr. richards sed, “my dad, nathaniel richards & her father r 2nd cousinz once removed.” eva sed, “no. about the force field.” dr. richards sed, “oh rite. it’s magic. it seems v. powerful. if u rilly want it removed, u wud prolly needta call stephen strange, but i shud warn u, he rarely returnz peep’s calls & if u can get him, the fone reception n his sanctum sanctorum iz not v. good. i recommend u just w8 till u can c april on tuesday. she seemed fine 2 me. aside frum her body constantly changing shape that iz. i asked her if she had been xxposed 2 cosmic rayz & she sed she didn’t think so.” eva sed, “thass it? call dr. strange?” dr. richardz sed, “u cud call agatha harkness, but she iz v. unreliable. dr. strange iz a lot bettah choice & his manservant makes a gr8 cup of coffee.” i sed, “thanx 4 comin’ out here & tryin’.” dr. richardz sed, “nething 4 eva & her fam.” then he got n hiz car & it hovered away. i sed, “that car iz so cube. i wondah if mayez midtown motorz haz 1 like it.” eva sed, “i doubt it. i think dr. richards made that car himself.” i sed, “a scientist & a custom car builder. thass so cube.”

    so april, eva iz tryin’ 2 d-cide if she iz gonna try callin’ that dr. strange guy. i’ll let u know if she duz.

     

  • At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. No “pimping”, as you so crudely put it, is necessary. Did you read what you wrote today? Let me remind you.

    Our sister wrote to the constable, “This means I'll have a schedule, predictable hours, and I can come to see you during the holidays." Then she thought, "This will be the first time since I was a child that I counted the days until Christmas!" The Lizardbreath does not plan to see the constable until December, 6 months after she last saw him. You know how Liz is with the “Seeing is believing” thing for boyfriends.

    Read what you wrote again and see if you still think Liz loves her constable or if she just loves counting the days until Christmas.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Your Blog entry today terrified me. It is my worst nightmare come true. Your sister is going to be working 16 miles away? I see from one of the other posts, that is 25.749504 km. Is she going to live with your parents? I hope not. Maybe she can keep her apartment in Mississauga and commute. That would be good. A long commute would help things.

    Becky saw me lifting weights this morning and she said, “Ease up Howie, or you’ll tear something.” I said, “Elizabeth Patterson is going to be working 16 miles away from Milborough. And she doesn’t plan to see her boyfriend until Christmas. It’s a disaster.” Becky said, “16 miles. What’s that in kilometres?” I told her. Becky said, “This is bad. Howie. You need something to distract you from the Patterson allure. It’s going to affect every single man in town. Maybe even No. My half-sister Marjee is a slut. Did she help you?” I pointed to where Marjee was and Becky said, “I didn’t see you there. That’s some smile you have Marjee.” Marjee said, “Yeah, baby! I am one happy woman.”

    Becky said, “Howie, normally I would be upset with you being with Marjee, but she is probably the sluttiest girl in town, and this is a bad situation. I don’t think being with a girl, even one slutty like Marjee, is the answer. You need a boyfriend, Howie. Someone really manly to make you feel girlish. I’m going to call my dad and uncles Ralph and Mark to see if they know someone. Maybe Basher is between boyfriends.”

    I said, “I don’t think I need a boyfriend. Maybe I can write Elizabeth a love sonnet and set it to music. Then I can get on bended knee and sing it to her and pledge my eternal love and devotion to her.” Right about then, Becky slapped me hard across the face and said “Snap out it, Howie!” I said, “Thanks. I needed that.”

    It’s been awful working at Sugar’s Salon today. I keep calling my clients, Elizabeth, and Marjee Mahaha keeps telling me she is looking forward to “helping me out” again after we get done with work. She keeps giving me a hungry look that kind of scares me.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Man, it's hard 2 believe school's about 2 start. I feel so bad 4 u, Apes. Those forcefields r keeping u from going out & I saw those pics on yr family's website of u deciding what uniform clothes 2 wear. I mean, unis r supposed 2 make clothing decisions easier, but some days it's like do I wear the uggo navy blue crewneck or v-neck sweater, u know? So I'm going 2 see if I can hem up my plaid skirt another couple of inches & pair it with black stockings & black Mary Janes. I'll tell Assistant Principal Hoher Kolben-Des Pfostens I'm wearing navy blue...lol.

    Neway, I hope u can make it outside soon since I'm gonna throw a ginormous end-of-summer partee. U, Becks, Jeremy, Eva & every1's welcome. :-) I figure w/my parents outta town 4 who knows how long I outta take advantage of the sitch.

    Vicks

     

  • At 6:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u keep dodging my question. u've been scheming 2 get liz back 2gether w/anthony 4 almost 5 yrs now! what's with that? u keep trying 2 distract me by looking 4 all kindsa signs that liz doesn't luv paul, but that's a total distraction. u know what was an xxcellent sign of liz not being in luv w/anthony? when she DUMPED HIM!!! until/unless she dumps paul or vice versa, u shdn't b trying 2 push her in2 anthony'z arms. that's wrong.

    that dr. richards guy was pretty cube, jeremy an' eva. v. stretchy. mom liked him so much she even gave him sum muffins 2 go! i'm pretty bummed abt the force field, but mom sez i can't fite it. dunc, she sez she has a feeling u'll b xxempt fr. it since u r practically family.

    btw, liz, y did u use miles insteada km? did u 4get we're canadian, just like laura did when she was all "40 pounds" abt that calf?

    apes

     

  • At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Cheeze and rice, you are slow on this subject. I only hope when the time comes for you to get married, you will not be as difficult. First of all, you need to understand something. Our beloved sister, Elizabeth, runs away from any man who tried to get close to her, and if he does not pursue, then she presumes he is no longer interested in her. That is not really dumping in the traditional sense. It is more like playing a game of hide and seek, if the person hiding gives up the game and finds another player, when they are not found soon enough.

    When the Lizardbreath went to Nipissing University and Anthony stayed in school locally, he should have kept in touch with her and visited her, but he didn’t. We tried to give him lots of hints, but he never picked up on them. I remember, in particular, Deanna yelling at him, “Stop going on dates with Quebecoise women, drive up to North Bay, and shave off that ugly moustache.” As I have said before, Anthony did not pick up on hints as well as Weed did, when Deanna recommended Carleen to him, they were inseparable within 2 weeks.

    When the Lizardbreath went to work wherever it was she was working for the last 2 years, and her sort of boyfriend Warren went to B.C. to work, he should have kept in touch with her and visited her, but he didn’t. Now this constable is going to be exactly the same way. Liz already knows she is not going to see him for 6 months. Just watch and see if she is not right. If he truly understood our sister, he would be visiting her every month, or quitting his job and finding work in Toronto, if that transfer didn’t go through fast enough. Men do not understand our sister’s hide and seek method of courtship.

    Anthony Caine is Liz’s childhood sweetheart and the obvious choice for Liz. If the constable had dated Liz when she was a child, we would support him. Just ask mom or dad or Deanna, if you don’t believe me. Unfortunately, it takes a man of great fortitude to pursue Liz properly, and no man could accomplish the task without help. So, I and Deanna and mom and dad have been trying to help Anthony. There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, can you imagine what Liz would be like if she didn’t get married? She has not picked up mom’s cleaning or cooking skills. In a few more years, she will be so big from eating Kraft Dinner out of a pot every day; she will have not a chance of getting married at all. Imagine, if you will, what mom would look like if she didn’t jog with Connie Poirier. That’s Liz’s future, and we need to get her with a man before then. It's the right thing to do for your sister. I don't know why you are so slow to understand this.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i'm not slow. u r an arse. and u r in luv w/anthony.

    mayB mom and dad shd get divorced and marry their childhood sweethearts, from b.c. and manitoba.

    apes

     

  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, eva & i r definitely gonna b @ur end-of-summer partee. rite now, we r n sum kinda séance w/fiona brass & her cat, belmont iii. she’z tryin’ 2 help us contact dr. strange 2c if he can help us w/the force field ‘round april. like dr. richards sed, he duzn’t return callz & eva sed if she called him nemore tymez, she wud prolly punch him out if he showed up. fiona iz not so good @this séance stuff.

    so far, we got april’s grandma marian & she told us how 2 protect leftoverz w/plastic storage containerz. then we got a lady named thelma baird, who offered us an old english sheepdog puppy. then we got sum guy named ned tanner, & all he wunted 2 do wuz run ‘round naked & show off the suction cups on his bod. weird.

    i hope gordie iz not n hospital again. we kinda noticed u didn’t mention him n ur party list.

     

  • At 7:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. While I am impressed you used the British slang word arse, your logic leaves something to be desired. If I were in love with Anthony, I most certainly would not be supporting his efforts to be with my sister. I would be pursuing him for myself. As for mom and dad and their childhood sweethearts, you seem to have forgotten that…um…I forgot I am not supposed to mention this to you. Your point is well-taken about mom and dad. Excellent point it was.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    If you need either me or Becky, we are visiting the Milborough gay bars in order to find me a man. Becky has me wearing a t-shirt which says, “Ask me. I’m easy.” It is not very fashionable, but hopefully it will work. I don’t know if you have been in a gay bar in Milborough recently, but it is surprising how many men look like your sister Elizabeth, these days.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    I'm such a foob sumtimes! Of course me & Gordie r totally a package deal. Unless he's n the hospital, like he is now. He cracked his kneecaps @ Port Union skatepark last week, & Dr. Klebridge-Fingernagel wrote him up another script 4 Percocet. These scrapes always work out 4 him sumhow. So he'll b there if he recovers n time. He better, because his connections r gonna hook us up w/drinks & sum live entertainment from this new punk-pop band signed 2 Gordon Mayes' record label (I swear, is there nething Mayes Midtown Motors hasn't branched into?), Burned Butt Casserole.

    Vicks

     

  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, canadians say "arse" 2. like bubbles on trailer park boys sez it all the time.

    u can't pursue anthony cuz u r married 2 dee, so u wanna live thru liz.

    wtf do u keep hinting abt w/mom & dad's past? if u don't spill, i will make u regret it.

    jeremy, eva, good luck w/that. it wd b cube if i cd get out 2 go 2 that party, but i m not that hopeful. mom was rite abt dunc, he was able 2 get thru the force field an' he's here now complimenting mom on her cooking, lol.

    howard, hope that worx out 4 u!

    apes

     

  • At 10:40 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Apes,

    Reading about Liz's boyfriend ideas gives me a headache. Why does she have 2 put guys through all this? She makes Toni Daytona's relationships look normal. I think Paul should wise up & get out whjle he can.

    That's a real bummer u can't leave the house, esp. since it's the last week of summer vacation.

    Luann

     

  • At 2:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Did you really write, “You can't pursue Anthony because you are married to Deanna, so you want to live through Liz?” You are stunning me with your illogic.

    And yes I know some Canadians say “arse.” Your example of the Trailer Park Boys should say everything I need to say on the subject.

    As for mom and dad’s past, there is nothing to spill. Absolutely nothing, until you are 18 or married, whichever comes first. Until then, nothing.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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