April's Real Blog

Monday, October 31, 2005


So the good news is that Liz didn't have 2 pay 4 all those refreshments after all. Then the scary news is that since Liz sed the kids cd invite NE1 they want 2 come along 4 the stargazing, then "everyone" is coming along. Geez, not much 2 do up there, I guess. Liz thought she was doing a lil demo 4 her lesson, & then she findz out she's hosting a big ol' shindig. I think your lesson, besides "$", mite B never tell yr kiddles 2 bring along NE1 they want. 2 NEthing.

Well, it's Halloween 2day, & we had the choice 2 wear a costume 2 school or wear our street clothes. Becky and I R dressed up as the Hilton sisters, Paris and Nicky. We cdn't wear the s00per-slutty clothes the Hiltons like 2 wear, but we got sum sparkly lil dresses that'll still pass the dress rulez. Becks str8ened out her hair & I've got a long blonde wig on. Gerald is dressed as a character from the Star Wars series, tho I'm not sure which char. he's supposta B. I don't know abt Dunc, since his Mom has him coming in a bit l8, but I have a feeling he'll 4get & just wear his uni.

Becks & Dunc have kinda sorta hooked up, & Jeremy's sore abt it. He sez I oughta B worried abt Ger, 2, & I don't wanna B. But Ger, Y didn't U ev. show up @ our lil jam session yesterday?

Wednesday we have "take your kid 2 work day". My mom wanted me 2 come 2 the store, but my dad pointed out that she always has me doing her work for her helping out @ the store, so I shd spend the day @ his dental clinic. Dad won. Yay! So mayB I'll even get sum useful info 4 Brenda Starr's investigation.


Sunday, October 30, 2005


Apparently, Mike an' Dee's neighbourhood, which is in or near Toronto, did their trick-or-treating last nite even tho Halloween is 2morrow. Lovey helped Weed put tog. a scarecrow costume, & he'd sit out front on a chair, all still, so peeps wd think he was a fakey stuffed thing. Then he'd jump up & scare the bejeebus outta them. Hardee har, har, Weed, like yer not scaree w/out a costume. Poor lil Merrie got so scared she wet her pants. Ooh, big man, Weed, scare a toddler.

So, NEway, Howard, that's what they were doing insteada going 2 the "family" dinner the Mayeses had 4 Wilf Sobinski. I dunno Y Mike an' Dee weren't included, tho I guess this shows U can B family w/out being "family" (or is it the other way around?).

Babysitting last nite was fun. Apparently, Gordo's been picking up speech patterns fr. watching old Gansta moviez fr. the states. And lil Paul is totally imitating his dad. Rosemary just thinks it's silly. Smart girl. & Tracey gave me a c-note, even tho they weren't out nearly as l8 as that time 4 new year's.

Well, Dad's already setting up his train display 4 his choo-choo d8 w/Dunc's Dad. The lil train ppl all have Halloween costumes.


Saturday, October 29, 2005

Liz learns about her students getting her to buy them stuff.

So, Liz arranged 2 have her students meet her by the school in the evening so they'd B able 2 locate the North Star in the sky. The kids seemed excited abt this, tho they started 2 hit her up 4 refreshments--hot dogs, marshmallows, hot chocolate. She sez that as she was paying for all the snacks, she was thinking, "Teaching. . . It's a learning experience." Then, she thought, "$". She was telling me abt this in e-mail, so I don't know whether that means she was thinking "money", "dollar sign", or "what a buncha con artists!" Oh, well. I suppose she learned something fr. this.

So now Becks has gotten in2 trub 4 punching out Tangi Origami, & also 4 vandalizing Jeremy's locker. Her mom got her outta in-school suspension, but she needs 2 go 2 Ger's Dad 4 therapy. Erg.

Well, Mom's yelling @ my door cuz she's got chorez 4 me 2 do, & l8r I babysit Paul & Rosemary Mayes cuz Tracey an' Gordo R gonna B having a big, special dinner.


Friday, October 28, 2005

Completely Lost

Liz sez she has a problem when the kids ask her questions she wasn't expecting, but, yo, isn't that what kids do? She sez her lesson was going really well. Little Ellen (not Jesse) observed that when she pretends 2 B the earth spinning & staring @ the pretendy Polaris star, that the star stays in place. Liz was so excited that Ellen got this, & she said, "Yes!!! So, the sailors could alwayz find the North Star, because it did not move! Then, by measuring its position. . . ." She couldn't get her sentence out B4 she got interrupted, & the kiddles were asking, "What if it was cloudy?" & "What if they were on the south side?" & "What if up is down?" & "What if the captain fell overboard?" Sheesh, Lizzie, I've obvs never been on the other side of the desk, but if those questions make U so flustered? MayB U oughta just hand those kids a script & tell 'em they've gotta stick 2 it?

So Becky & Jeremy seem 2 B on the outs & Jeremy went out on a d8 w/Tangi Origami last nite. Things R alwayz shifting, y'know?


Thursday, October 27, 2005

Our solar system: planets, stars, darts, spitballs

Did U know that Jesse is not the only 1 of Lizzie's students who has a name? Ellen! In her navigation lesson, Lizzie had lil Ellen stand on the floor pretending 2 B Earth, rotating slowy & staring up @ the fake Polaris in the fake Little Dipper Liz & the kids have made up on their ceiling. When Liz told Ellen 2 "notice what's happening 2 the other things we put up on the ceiling", Ellen asked her, "Do I count the dart an' two spitballs?" I got the feeling Liz xpected me 2 laugh @ this story, but instead, I keep thinking, "Ew! Spitballs!" Liz also sed that this Ellen girl looks quite a lot like Jesse & that she mite just start calling all her kids Jesse 2 avoid confusion. "U! Jesse in the red & white striped shirt & rust-coloured corduroys!" I dunno, Liz, I think using their names wd B less trub than that!

So Becky sez she feels much better 2day. I can't believe my Dad went & put 4 of those GPS devices in Becky's teeth? He must B totally losing it. Y'Know, more than the usual batty Dadness. & Dunc's 'rents don't know abt his suspension 4 missing 2 much school. Dunc, I think they will end up finding out, even tho U went thru a lot of trub 2 cover up. BTW, Ger & Dunc, Becky does NOT do drugs! I'm gonna go 2 that school nurse & tell her that myself.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Polaris and Shape Shifting

Liz sez her lesson plan yesterday went well, but that when she was telling the kids abt navigating by the stars, they associated "Polaris" not with the star, but with the snowmobiles. Well, girl, U R up north, eh? This all made her think, "As my best science prof. said, 'the best way to learn is by word association.'" But didn't her students show that they had, like, the wrong association going? So they kinda have 2 unlearn/relearn 4 this lesson? K, whatever. Liz told me she's been having this weird feeling that as she stands in front of her students, her body is shifting. Like mayB she looks just like Michael 4 a sec, or her forehead shrinks down 2 like an inch high. Or mayB her shoulders get all broad & she looks like a young military officer? MayB these R all related 2 the strange Mboro syndromes Brenda Starr has been investigating.

Speaking of Ms. Starr, she made arrangements with my principal so I'm missing a coupla classes this morning for a secret mission journalism project. I will post a comment abt it after it's over. Wish us luck!

Becky didn't leave NE comments yesterday, & Jeremy asked me if I know what's going on? I'll C if I can find out. Meantime, Becks? R U OK?


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Ancient Sailing Ship

So Liz e-mailed again & sed that after her big crisis over the lesson plan, her idea was 2 have her students imagine life on an ancient sailing ship, using the sun and the stars 2 navigate. She wrote that she hoped Jesse didn't do NEthing scampy like pretend 2 retch over the side of a ship. Liz sez she got this "ship" idea from the sicky feeling she got from drinking way, way 2 much coffee. Liz is still looking for more ideas she can use the next time she has a crisis like this, so if NE1 has something, pls post!


Monday, October 24, 2005

Teacher Freak-Out?

I got a frantic e-mail fr Liz, sent last night:

I'm so frazzled! I've got a curriculum to follow for five grades--and I'm running out of ideas! They're all different ages. They're all at different levels of understanding...How do I hold the interest of these kids? If I don't get a good lesson plan ready for tomorrow, I'm going to freak out in front of the whole class! That would hold their interest!


P.S. Could you send me some more of that super-strong espresso coffee you use?
Poor Lizzie! I can't imagine doing all that 4 just 1 grade level, let alone 5! & it must B xtra scary 2 run out of ideas this early in the term. Liz, I heard 1 of my teachers telling another that when she gets really desperate for ideas, she does Google searches, & usually she finds stuff she can use. MayB U shd try that. & meanwhile, if NE1 out there has gd ideas U can share w/Liz, cd U post them here? Thanx!

So Gramps doggie-napped Dixie again yesterday, & now his Dixie privs R suspended until Xmas! Gramps, chill if U wanna have doggie visitation B4 Easter, K?

Apes out

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Gramps & the Doggie Biscuits

So yesterday Dunc posted a comment saying he saw Gramps sharing doggie biscuits w/Dixie. I was confused since Gramps had lost his Dixie privileges b/c of that Havarti incident @ the Thanksgiving dinner. He wasn't supposed 2 have another Dixie visit till Nov. 9, peeps! But sumhow he managed 2 doggie nap her, then while they were having their secret visit, Gramps wanted cookies, but Iris wdn't let him have NE, cuz the doc sez no. He was xplaining this all 2 Ma when she went ovr there 2 get Dix back & extend the doggie probation until American T-giving day, Nov. 24. He tried 2 claim it was cruel 2 deny an old man doggie visitation 4 so long, but Mom was firm.

Yesterday, Ardith Narayan, Dee's friend who usta babysit 4 Mike an' Dee, posted & sed she mite wanna get a job lookin' after Gramps. Ardith, I M sure Dee wd put in a gd word 4 U, cuz she's alwayz sed nice things abt U, but I think it wd B hard 2 convince Gramps that he needs lookin' after. Even if he is saying stuff like "It's just like the war, Dixie, just like the war. NEthing tastes gd when a man's desperate." I think it's a bit xtreme that not having cookies makes him feel all desperate & reminds him of the war, don't U, peeps?

Well, the Brenda Starr party was v. interesting, wdn't U say so, Becky, Dunc, Ger, Jeremy, & Howard? Ger seems 2 think Fiona's cat Belmont was trying 2 kill him, but I think he just liked Ger's cologne. I don't know what's going on w/Becky & Dunc now, & Keesha Grant's totally pissed @ Dunc. Then again, pretty much every1 else is pissed @ Keesha 4 going all Jerry Springer @ the party & causing a fight! Dunc's coming over w/his dad l8r, so I'll hafta C what Dunc's got 2 say abt everything.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

Michael's Landlord Fantasies

So l8 @ nite, Howard's Uncle Melville and Aunt Winnie overheard Mike an' Dee having a convo in bed, & Howard posted about it:
Female upstairs neighbour: Weed and Carleen are right, Michael. You don’t go into partnership and buy a place just because you want to get rid of the people downstairs.

Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that’s what Carleen made Weed agree to. Hmm! Let me see if I can freak her out. (In a normal voice) It’s just that I imagined the joy of showing them the bill of sale…and then, taking a jackhammer to the basement. And, how sweet it would be to “accidentally” keep shutting off their hot water…and to refinish their flooring with a varnish that smelled like “feet.” (And then in a whisper to himself) That should do it.

Female upstairs neighbour: Mmm. (And then in a whisper to herself) Those are pretty good ideas. Why didn’t I think of them? I guess that’s reason why I married Mike. He’s an idea man.

Male upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) I guess I really do live in a fantasy world, Deanna.

Female upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) Yes, you do…and I love being along for the ride! Why don’t we do some of those things you suggested? I just happen to have a jackhammer in the closet and I know where the hot water cutoff valve is and I know a place where you can get rotten varnish late at night. The kids are already in bed asleep. Let’s have some real fun tonight, and not go through our usual boring ritual of me refusing to have sex with you and then you going off to the attic to “write.”

Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that didn’t have quite the effect I was hoping for. (In a normal voice) Can we have sex afterwards?

Female upstairs neighbour: If we do all those things, I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from ravishing your body.

Male upstairs neighbour: Whoo hoo! Let’s go. (And then in a whisper to himself) Why didn’t I think of doing this before?

That’s what scared my uncle and aunt. They just arrived here. April, I don’t know what’s going on with your brother and sister-in-law, but I would be really careful around them. OK?
Can U believe that, peeps? How is it that I'm just a kid & even I know U can't use yr landlord status 2 get crazee revenge on yr neighbours? But Mike seemz 2 think that's xactly what U can do as a landlord? OK, so he did say that bit abt fantasy, but since when does Mike make NE big distinctions betw fantasy & reality? Howard, I'm sorry my bro & SIL R going psycho like this!

Mom & Dad & I R on our way out. Mom of course totally went 4 my suggestion that we have a lil family outing 2 the bakeshop, & there we'll have our "accidental" encounter w/the Professor. I'll post abt it after it happs! Then I hafta meet Becky, Dunc, & Ger @ Becky's garage 2 have another run-thru of our set 4 the Brenda Starr party this evening. Lots 2 do. & Ger's a bit freaked still abt the drum part for the Bajan #'s we're adding in. I noticed he was totally getting the hang of it whenever he relaxed a bit during our jam last nite, but then he'd get all tense again & mess up! & Becky & Dunc started 2 mess w/the keyboard's drum settings as a backup, & that really made Ger freak!



Friday, October 21, 2005

Carleen speaks up!

Weed and Carleen were back @ my school 4 retakes on the school pics, & again they were there unloading equipment when I was getting off of the bus. I tried 2 slink away B4 they noticed me, but they caught me! So Weed told me, "Yr big bro convinced me 2 consider buying Lovey's bldgs w/him. He sez he & yr dad R 'reasonable carpenters' & cd do a lot of the work." OMG, I was totally sipping espresso fr. my thermos & did a major spittake when I heard that. Weed & Carleen R way lucky I wasn't pointed @ them when I did it. I just barely missed Dunc, who snatched away my thermos & told me I cd have it back after this talk of Mike & carpentry had passed. Weed looked a bit confused, & I sed my dad is OK w/the carpenter-type stuff, but that NE time he & Mike have worked tog. on a "shop" type project, it was 90% Dad undoing stuff Mike had bungled up. So, y'know, just saying. Weed told me he'd been more concerned abt where Michael wd find the time, as he already works ("works"!) 16 hrs/day, so I guess he hasn't been in on the quit talk. This is when Carleen piped in. She sed she walked in w/Dee rite after Mike got Weed 2 agree 2 think abt this stuff. "I asked them, 'Are U going 2 let the women in on this conversation, or wd U prefer 2 make a dumb decision by yrselves?' They froze in their tracks & then turned around lookin' all 'busted' or something, like we'd caught them making out. What's w/that, Jo?" & Weed was all, "I don't know what U're talking abt, woman!" Just then, Dunc tugged @ my sleeve, all, "Apes! We're gonna B l8!" So I had 2 go. I'll tell U more when I hear stuff.

NEway, Becks is OK. She & her Mom R back, & her Dad's back in jail, since he almost did an armed robbery @ that bank. Beckers is resting up 2day, then we're gonna shop w/Howard in the l8 afternoon, 4 our "Brenda Starr party" formal dresses. Shopping, peeps! :)


Thursday, October 20, 2005

What R U on about now, Mike?

Last nite, I answered the phone. Y do I do that? Well, it was Mike blathering on & on abt a convo he had w/Weed, trying 2 convince him 2 pool their $ 2gether 2 buy Lovey Saltzman's 2 houses & B co-landlords. He sez they can live in the upstairz apts & rent the downstairs & "the investment pays 4 itself." Mike told me Weed was all, "These places R falling apart! The basements R damp, the wiring is ancient--repairs alone would cost us a 4tune!" Mike sed his big comeback was, "But Weed! These R 'heritage houses'!" & Weed was, like, "exactly!" I guess that's supposta B a comment abt the cost, but I just wasn't following, & I was like, "Heritage houses? What do U mean by that?" & while I had him on the phone, I Googled the phrase. I got all these tourism sites, and this one from Ireland sez, "Heritage houses are private country houses of historic interest offering high-class accommodation." I read that 2 Mike & sed "No way R those buildings private country houses of historic interest offering high-class accommodation, so WTF gives?" He gasped & told me 2 put Mom on the phone. So I did & went 2 my room. I was really 2 busy worrying abt Becky 2 wanna bother with Mike's delusions, NEway. If U've been following yesterday's comments, U know she & her Mom R somewhere outside of Ontario w/some1 Becks is afraid 2 name. She sez she was kidnapped @ 3 AM yesterday, peeps! I'm way worried!

Well, Dunc, Ger, & I R planning 2 have a meeting betw classes 2 figure out what we shd do!


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Michael, Imaginary Landlord

Apparently, Lovey told Mike & Dee abt serving Melville K w/an eviction notice & Mike was all happy abt it. But Lovey sed they can appeal & all they need 2 do is fix their damage & not smoke NEmore. Then she complained she didn't wanna manage apts NEmore & was, like, "I should sell these two houses and move! You want them? I'll sell them cheap!" Then it seemz Mike went in2 this whole daydream abt owning the bldgs, & Dee was all, "'Cheap' does not exist in Toronto", & he was all, "Dreams R free." But can U imagine my bro in the landlord biz? Er, meet yr landlord, Michael Patterson. If U pay yr rent l8, or if U cause other tenants 2 complain abt U, then watch out! Yr landlord will write a scathing, "funny" article abt U & win the Nobel Prize 4 it. ::puke::

Well, my 'rents were in a bit of a tizzy this morning, cuz they were, like, what if Mike does find a way 2 buy those bldgs? They were going on & on abt how this would "ruin everything". The heck?

Apes out

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Evicted People Can Sue Too

I'm just minding my biz this morning having my triple espresso w/lemon peel, & Dad goes, "April, U know after Michael's little confrontation with that Melville Kelpfroth guy, who was threatening to sue him, Lovey Saltzman just happened to show up and serve Kelpfroth with an eviction notice! Can U believe it?" & I'm all, "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I need 2 drink more coffee B4 I try 2 talk abt this, but what's so hard 2 believe?" Dad: "Well, isn't that gr8? Problem solved!" & I'm like, "But he can still sue, can't he?" & Dad got flustered & steered the convo 2 trains.

Becks is going thru a rough time rite now & wants 2 talk 2 Dunc & me on the bus this morning. "I've gotta take my mind off it all, so let's talk abt music!" she sez. NEway, gotta go!


Monday, October 17, 2005

Michael's witty wit!

OK, so I've refused 2 read that article abt Mike's neighbours, even tho Mom & Dad have kept a copy of it lying around & they keep reading it themselves. Today I cdn't avoid hearing Dad reading a quote out loud 2 Mom, followed by their laffing like crazy over it:
Our dishes rattled in the cabinets as our downstairs neighbours pounded on their ceiling with a broom. The scent of cigar smoke seeped under the door. . . . "People, like animals, must mark their territory," I said to me wife. . . "And some people are more primitive than others."
After they were finished laughing like hyenas with a tongue malfunction, Mom was like, "So that's the bit Melville Kelpfroth confronted Mike with?" & Dad sed, "Yes, it seems they recognized themselves in that article after all." Mom: "But they used no names, eh?" Dad: The Kelpfroths are the only "lousy, stinking neighbours" they've got, El. NEway, I got up 2 get ready 4 school cuz I was getting way bored.

Some1 commented that I shdn't have used 'cuum as short 4 vacuum yesterday. Cuz I guess some1 mite miscount the U's. Or mayB they were so xcited they messed up their Google search & got my non-p*rn site. So just in case, I guess I'll make "vac" my official short version 4 that particular cleaning/hot-flash relieving device.

Well, I C Becky & she looks like she wants 2 tell me abt something, so gotta go!


Sunday, October 16, 2005

Flappy Fatterson!

Geez, Ma, how many yrs have U been going thru "the change" NEway? Flap, flap, flappity, flap, flap, flap! Sum medical journal oughta write U up as the longest case of menopause evah! LOL, & Ger found Ma in the garage using the 'cuum on reverse 2 air out her underarms. I don' even wanna think abt what he was gonna use it 4, tho. Thanx, Becks, 4 saving me the trub of tellin' Ger what a bj is. Yeah, & if NE1 tells my mom I've ev. heard of such a thing, I M totally denying it, peeps. She still thinx I'm this innocent lil ponytail-wearing kid. Dad must think I'm pretty slow 2 ask what's happening w/Mom since she's been doing this flappy shizzit 4evs, but that's the point. I thought she must B suffering fr. something new. Ah, well, that's Mom.

Dunc is coming by in a little while, since our dads have their usual Sunday playdate, so we're gonna study & jam. Ger wants 2 come by 2, but he sed something abt his mom giving him a list of chorez? I'm sure he'll post l8r & xplain. Becks sez she & Jeremy have sum quality time scheduled 2 2day!


Saturday, October 15, 2005

Drowning in the Freelance

4got 2 mention in yesterday's post that part of what Ma forced Dee 2 say 2 Michael the nite B4 was 2 show him how much she makes as a full-time pharma + Mike's freelance $. The "=" part of that math prob is supposta B Mike can quit the dayjob & they'll have enuf. Ma had prepared Dee in case Mike said "what if the freelance dries up?" Dee's line: "Then it dries up! But--right now you're drowning in it!" Aw, poor overworked Michael-poo! Please. Hey, Mom, my homework is totally getting in the way of my playing guitar & making out w/Gerald. Can I quit school? Eh? Cuz I'm soooooo tired! And Gerald is learning enuf 4 the both of us!

Oh, & of course Dee has never mentioned 2 Ma that little suspended licence & reduced pay. Six months 2 go on that, yet somehow Mike's gonna B quitting his yob, yo. Follow that bliss, baby.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Cry a River For Michael P

Okay, so here's the official family script: Michael works too hard! He is just working himself ragged, w/his full-time bigboy job during the day & his writing that he does @ nite (instead of, y'know, acting like a parent or a hubby, but that's just me commenting here). The fam script sez Michael totally needs to quit that soul-crushing day job so he can pursue his destiny as Canada's best! writer! evah! Then he & Dee R supposed 2 move in2 this house, Mom & Dad R supposed 2 move in2 that smaller house w/lotsa choo-choo yard space, & I guess I'm supposed 2 live in a van by the river.

So last nite, Mom was totally coaching Dee on what she shd say 2 Mike up in his lonely lil attic o' writing an' hiding. But first Ma had something 2 get off her chest. She's all, "Deanna Sobinski Patterson, what were U doing spending time & precious $ on a frivolous 'beauty lunch'?" (Yeah, Mom did those lil air quotes even tho she was on the phone & Dee totally cdn't see her do them.) Then: "Oh. Michael bought U a gift certicate, eh? Well, that's different. That just goes 2 show I raised my boy right. Hold on one sec." (She puts her hand on the mouthpiece & yells 2 Dad.) "John! John 'Pat' Patterson! Michael bought Dee that beauty lunch. Becuz he loves her! If U luv me, U will buy me 10 beauty lunches, w/xtra lunch! U hear me?!?!" Then, back 2 Dee: "Okay, so Dee. Remember what U have 2 do this evening. U go up 2 the garrett & tell my precious boy he can't keep up these long hours. Remind him he gets up @ 6 2 get 2 work by 8:30 & then gets home by 7, shoves his food down his gullet & goes upstairs 2 write until 11 or l8r. When he tries 2 tell U that he's OK & U need the $ point out the 'irony'" (air quotes) "that U don't have 2 die in order 2 make a living." I can only try 2 guess what Dee was saying on the other line, but I heard Ma saying, "Just do it, Dee! Remember what U signed on 4 when U became a Patterson! What do U mean U've been like a single parent NEway? I won't listen 2 talk like that! U march upstairz & do as U R told, or U know what!" & she slammed down the phone. Yikers!

Well, Becky & I have had sum wild adventures getting all those samples to Ms. Brenda Starr. Thanks 4 yr update last nite, Ms. Starr. This all just gets weirder & weirder, doesn't it? I know U have a rep 4 being a gr8 investigator, so I hope U will B able 2 fig out who wd deliberately make Mboro str8 guys age prematurely. Cuz Gerald, Dunc, Jeremy, & a zillion other boyz I know don't wanna look like Gramps when they R 20!

Well, gotta run, ppl!


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Michael Patterson. Master Writer. Speed Freak.

Hey, so when I got 2 school this morning, I saw Weed & Carleen! Weed was there 2 do our school photos, peeps, even tho he's supposed 2 B a bigshot photog sorta like how Mike's supposta B a bigshot editor/writer. They were unloading photo equipment when I was getting out of the bus, and when Weed saw me, he yelled, "Yo, April! Pipsqueak!" This was so embarrassing! NEway, I went over 2 say hi 2 them & they started raving abt Mike's article. Weed: "Yeah, so Mike stopped by 2 C us yesterday." & Carleen cut in 2 say, "2 fish 4 compliments!" Weed sed, "There was no need 2 fish, those compliments were flying rite in2 the nets." I must have had that "whatev" face of mine, cuz Weed pressed on w/"Well, that article rocks April! I even high-fived Michael over it!" And Carleen told me, "Yeah & I sed 'way 2 go!'" By now I was glancing @ my watch cuz I was worried abt being l8 4 h'room. So Weed sed he wdn't keep me much longer, but that Mike told him he's got new projects cuz of that [stupid] article, & also he's gonna B editing a movie script. Me: "But Mike doesn't even know NEthing abt writing 4 the movies. I know more than he duz cuz Becky & I made a movie @ camp when we were, like, 9." Weed's like, "Don't B jellus, Apes. But NEway, I asked him how he can take on more freelance stuff when he already works fulltime @ Portrait. 'U'll have 2 give something up!'" & he told me that Mike replied that he's given up sleep, & that just then, he noticed that Mike had huge bagz under his speed-freak eyes. Well, Mike, if U'd been honest, U'd also have mentioned that U've given up seeing yr family awake, but I wasn't gonna get in2 that, cuz I was really in danger of being way, way l8. So I just sed I gotta run & I'd C them @ pictures time. Man, I gotta say, either Carleen has totally drunk the Koolaid or she's putting on a wicked-good act of worshipping "SuperWriterMike". Puke.

I guess I shdn't B surprised that Anthony sez he saw D stocking shelves & that he found out she'd gotten in2 trub 4 giving out bad b-control advice. He mentioned something abt terrible advice she's given 2 a 14-yo. Dagny, is that how U got the idea that "doing it" upside down & then jumping up & down & then taking a bath in diet coke & decaf coffee wd keep U fr. get pg? Good think Logan McCullough dumped U B4 U had a chance 2 test that theory!

Luann, I M so glad U liked the doll-making site. Yr doll came out way cute!

Well, time 4 my next class!


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The bill for knocking on plaster (not wood)

Sorry I'm posting this so l8, peeps! Mom was going on & on this morning abt how clever & witty Mike's "neighbour" article supposedly is. "No1 knows where the wit, the wry turn of phrase comes from, April. U shd really study yr big brother's writing. He has much 2 teach U." I'm thinking, "Yeah, how 2 flunk grade-9 English", but I don't say NEthing, cuz who wants 2 make this convo longer, U know? Then on the bus, I still cdn't do my blog entry cuz Gerald got in2 my face rite away asking me Y I hadn't sed NEthing abt our lil romantic mtg rite after school yesterday. "Is it cuz I was bad?" & I had 2 xplain that I hadn't sed NEthing cuz he was so, so good. Now don't get the wrong idea, peeps, we still stayed totally above the shoulders, but this boy has learned sum gd stuff, lemme tell ya!

Well, in case U R wondering if there's more 2 say about the Kelpfroths, well, just a little bit. Dee was listening @ the top of the stairs & she heard Lovey telling that Melville guy that she's billing him 4 the damage 2 the plaster in his hallway ceiling. (C Mike, plaster!) & he's all, well U violated the lease by letting yrself in w/out giving 24-hr notice. But Lovey had sum plaster she found in the trash outside, & she told him that was how she knew. But how wd she know it was fr. the hallway ceiling, yo? 4 that matter, how'd she know it wasn't fr. sum art project gone v. wrong? Or even fr. Michael's apt. (OK, they prolly keep their trash separate, but wd U put it past Mike 2 put trash in the wrong place?) NEway, it soundz a bit suspicious 2 me, but when D called all excited abt what she overheard, she didn't wanna hear abt NE of my "childish" questions. OK, whatever, poorest pharmacist in Ontario!



Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Knock on plaster

Mike called his article "Knock on Wood". He totally thinx this is clever, but I said, "When the Kelpfroths are banging on their ceiling, aren't they knocking on plaster?" He says I totally don't get his clever wordplay. I say I totally get his wordplay, & "clever" isn't the word I'd ev. use 4 it. Lame? Obvious? Tedious? But he is Dad's boy, that's for sure. When I brought up the whole libel issue yesterday, Mike was, like, "But I don't use any names, so they can't prove anything." And I'm all, "But can't they prove something by being the only people who live below Michael Patterson?" He said, "Eat your cake, April. Besides, Dee & I have no money, so we're judgement proo." & Dad sez, "Don't U mean 'judgement proof'?" & Mike sighs and sez, "Oh, so that's how U pronounce it." And I'm, like, "How is it that U have no $ NEway when U R this bigshot editor-in-chief @ a glossy mag & Dee's a fulltime pharma?" & Mike's eyes glazed over rite b4 he changed the subject. Oh, & I asked him how come he's so excited about the article now when it already ran over the summer. He said, "That didn't count cuz I don't read over the summer. I never bothered to get that issue of the paper. I'll be no1 else read it then, 2. Who can read when it's so hot?"

Mike an' Dee R pretty sure that the Kelpfroths have increased their banging since the paper came out, but they're not sure if there's a connection. Yeah, whatevs.

So Dunc was hoping he cd stay home fr. school 2day since Kimmi LaSalle threw that hot coffee in his lap & he got treated 4 the burns. But his mom sez he's missed way 2 much school already. Ger keeps going up 2 Dunc & telling him "I feel yr pain, man." He also sez he can't w8 till lunch cuz he's got a few moves he wants 2 try out on me behind the gym.

Well, gotta go, class is about 2 start!


Monday, October 10, 2005

Michael, do you know what "libel" is?

OK, so Mike called Dad this morning all excited about his "Neighbour" article having been published in The Clarion, tho, as Howard pointed out in the comments, the dumb article already appeared & they R apparently running it again cuz Mike's been 2 lazy 2 produce an article every week. And Mike actually thinx he can't get in trouble cuz (1) the Kelpfroths don't read that dingy little paper & (2) they wdn't recognize themselves in the article. Wha? Let's C, a "Michael Patterson" byline w/an article about obnoxious neighbours who live under the author. What, do U think they don't know yr name, Michael? & guess what? U shd get familiar with a word called libel. Heck, I'm only 14, & we learned abt this in school when we were putting sum of our writing online 4 an English project. And in case U R 2 lazy 2 follow my link, Mike, this article notes that "[i]n some places, notably Ontario, Canada, libel laws are so loose that even just telling the truth can still leave one open to libel charges." So R U scared yet? No, I guess U R 2 oblivvy. After all, when U lost yr job cuz Portrait wuz afraid they'd get sued over yr stupid fashion-designer exposé, U ended up hired back as editor-in-chief (& now U don't even appreciate that). So I guess U figure something like this can only mean gd things for U, eh?

NEway, I M sure I'll yell @ U in person when I C U @ Merrie's party this afternoon. & I have a feeling I'll have more 2 say abt this whole article sitch thru Saturday as the deets dribble 2 me.


Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dad's Little Story

I think Mom's looooong, boring story inspired Dad to tell me a little story of his own. He sed he thought of it cuz Mike an' Dee are coming over 2day w/Merrie & Robin. Apparently, they stopped by unannounced recently. I think it was on a weekend day when I was out w/my friends. NEway, Dad was all touched & stuff cuz Mike offered Dad 2 help & raked the leaves w/out being asked. Dad got all misty-eyed & told me, "It took 29 yrs, but my good parenting has paid off!" I sed, "Yeah, sure, whatev, Dad, but I've got a lot of work 2 do still 2 get ready 4 our Thanksgiving dinner." & Dad's all, "Oh, rite. Well if U need me I'll be communing w/my trainz." Me: "Yeah, duh."

So, big day 2day. Besides me, Mom, & Dad, Mike, Dee, Merrie & Robin, Grandpa Jim & Iris, & the Andersons*, we've got Brenda Starr & Howard stopping by. My mom is way excited abt having Ms. Starr in our house. Though I'd already cleaned the house thoroughly yesterday, Mom woke me up xtra early 2day & made me clean it again! I did lots of the cooking already yesterday, so 2day I've got the stuff I need 2 make fresh. Oh, and in addition to the main menu Mom chose, plus the additional desserts Mom asked for, I also have 2 make sum mini-quiches & other hors-d'oeuvres cuz Ma thought what we had planned wasn't fancy enuf 4 the likes of Brenda Starr.

Better get back 2 the grind, folks. Our guests are prolly gonna start arriving around noonish.

Apes, cooking

*Sorry I accidently left U & yr 'rents off when I 1st posted 2day, Dunc. My mom was @ my door yelling @ me 2 get my arse downstairs & get back 2 work on the Tgiving prep, so I was a bit stressed!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The old 4getting something excuse!

So, now, Mom's doubled back to the part of the story she's already told us. So unless she's planning to repeat all that again, she should be done. She'd have 2 really h8 us 2 retell that whole story abt sleeping @ the police station. Of course, it mite B that she does h8 us that much, & if she does, this wd mean she'll take a break 2morrow & then pick up again Monday. In which case, NE1 interested in adopting a 14yo girl? I don't eat much & I can cook pretty well. But NEway, she's like "D'oh!" supposedly just "realizing" that she left her Rx sunglasses @ the police station & doesn't know "the young officer's" name 2 get in touch. (Wasn't there also a girlcop who helped U Ma?) But duh, doesn't she know it was the Otter County police station? How hard wd that B 2 find? Then she got this evil, meddly look on her face & sed, "Well, that nice young man does know that Liz is up in Mtig, and he knows what she looks like, so mayB he'll B kind enuf 2 swing by w/my sunglasses." Dad & I looked @ each other & I sed, "Oh, so Mom, this idea only just occurred 2 U?" & she sed, "Y of course, I only just now remembered that I left those glasses there." Dad & I just looked @ ea other & rolled our eyes, but I think we both know better. So, Liz, keep an eye out 4 that cop guy w/Mom's sunglasses, K? She's totally trying 2 set up a "meet cute" 4 U.

NEway, that Audioslave show was way cube, & I also liked the opening acts, Seether & 30 seconds 2 Mars. Oh, & Chris Cornell is way cute, yo. Not as cute as Gerald, tho Gerald is cute in that fair-haired, blue-eyed way, & Chris C is cute in that dark RnR way, U know? & I'm totally wearing a scarf 2day 2 hide those hickeys Ger gave me. After the show, Gerald, Becky, Jeremy, Marjee, Vicki, & I all went 2 the 5 Alarm Diner, where Dee was w8ing 4 us, since she was stranded in Toronto. She was reading a celebrity goss mag with the cover of a pharma journal taped 2 the outside. That was kinda strange. We got cheese fries & sodas, then chocolate cake.

Well, I'll fill in some more deets abt the diner l8r. My mom's @ my door yelling @ me 2 do sum chores & if I don't publish this entry now, it'll never go up!


Friday, October 07, 2005

Is that the moral of the story, or does that come tomorrow?

So after allllllll that blahblahblah from Mom this week & last, she told us that when she & Liz returned from the big pow-wow, she finally understood why Liz had wanted 2 come to Mtriggerhappy, and that's cuz "It's a place where one can learn." But which "one" is she talkin' abt? She's been on & on abt everything she's learned abt native culture, but the kids Lizzie is teaching are native. They know abt this stuff already. I tried asking Mom abt this but she cut me off & told me 2 put my hair up. Yikes! With all the drama surrounding the Audioslave concert 2nite, I'd 4gotten about doing my uggo little propellor bun. So I had 2 go back upstairs 2 do that, but of course it only stayed that way until abt 5 mins in2 the busride 2 school.

So, it turns out Jeremy and Becky were rite abt Chad bein' a stoner. He was like, "So can U get sum gd stuff fr. yr bro's friend Weed?" & I was like, "No, he's called 'Weed' cuz his last name is Weeder." Then he sed, "Well what about yr big sis? Can't she hook me up w/sum Mtigwaki Gold?" & I sed "No, the only thing my sis can hook U up w/ is Elmer's glue & pressed maple leaves." & While he was takin' that in, Angelica LaSalle came up 2 us & said, "I don't know how Kimmi got the idea that her Audioslave ticket was up 4 grabs, but it's not! I'm the one driving 2 the concert & I get 2 decide who gets the ticket next 2 me, & it's not gonna B sum grade-9 stoner! I'm taking Tyrone Slothrop with me"! Tyrone's in grade 12, & he has a rep 4 being oversexed, even by a teenage boy's standards.

Ger, I don't know what world yr docs live in, but no way can I massage yr privates 4 U. Don't they know that I'm 14? & you're 14? & that massaging yr boy bits wd B, like, 3rd base? There's gotta B another way. But I M not mad @ U NEmore. U shd thank Becky 4 that & stop h8ing her so much, K?

Well, the bell just rang, so I've gotta go!

Apes out

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Mom burns stuff and thinks about Grandma

When Mom sat down @ breakfast this morning, Dad & I just had this "Let's get it over with" attitude. 2day she was talking abt the ceremonial drum & the sacred fire. Somebody gave her tobacco & bits of fresh cedar 2 burn & pray & thank Mother Earth 4 all she's given. Ma sez when she burnt her stuff she thot abt Gma Marian & all the gifts she'd given Mom. She looked sort of sad & serious when she sed this, but also like she kinda expected 2 get a laugh on "gifts from Mother Earth" vs. "gifts fr. Mother", but we just weren't feelin' it, peeps. Oh, Liz, Mom mentioned that she glanced over @ U during this burning & thot U had a strange look on yr face. Strange? Liz, I'd love 2 hear what U have 2 say abt this lil ritual.

So, not only did Marjee make my hair all cute (style #2, but sorta w/the bangs fr. #3), she taught me how to put it up in the uggo propellor-head bun Ma likes me 2 wear 2 school & then get my hair back down again w/out messing my style. So now I have it down again & ppl (the ones who recognize me) R saying they like it. Ger was being all pissy on the bus. When he was over last nite, I got a bit inspired 2 make out. It was just making out, but v. v. passionate. But if U check his last comment 2 yesterday's post, U will C his attitude. He's all, well, I was trying 2 go thru the bases w/U B4 & U got mad, but now that I'm all Prozacky &, um, mellow, U wanna "rape" me. Er, no, Ger, not so much. U know what I think his real prob is? I think he doesn't like it that I was the one who started things up steada him. Like girlies Rn't supposta do that. Puh-leaze.

Well, time 2 fly, ppl!


Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Porta Potties Hate Nativewear!

This morning over pancakes & triple espressos, I was saying 2 Dad that I guess it's no use trying 2 escape Mom's next installment of the slowest, dullest story ever. He agreed abt the no escape part, but he was, like, "Oh, there probably have been slower, duller stories." So I asked him to think of 1, & he cdn't. "OK, so mayB this is the slowest, dullest story ever." I asked if he thought 2day's bit wd B more or less boring than yesterday's & he was all, "God help us if it's more boring." I said mayB we shd think of some wayz 2 get revenge, like Dad cd tell Mom sum more boring stories abt his friend Ted, & Dad was all "What do you mean?" Then Mom showed up B4 we had a chance 2 discuss that.

Mom began today w/"U know, though these noblenatives R different, they R also just like us. They kindly xplain the difference between plastic and porcupine quills, yet they choose their traditional attire thru a 'spiritual quest' involving dreams, visions, & talks w/their elders. & becoming a dancer is more of a "calling" than a conscious decision. But when all is said & done, they need 2 use those porta potties just like every1 else. & U should see them standing out in front of them, like they must B thinking 'and when get the call...U've got 2 go. ?@#?!!'" & believe it or not, my mom actually sed "question mark, swirly thing, pound sign, question mark, exclamation point, exclamation point" for that last bit, she didn't actually curse. I don't have swirly-thing keys, so I subbed an ampersand.

So, Marjee took the time to try out these diff hairstyles on my April doll. Yeah, I know Liz is rite & Mom will prolly not allow me 2 change my hair NE time soon, but just in case, do U think I'd look gd w/NE of these styles? (Thanx, Marjee!)

Marjee wanted 2 Photoshop on some tats & piercings, but I thot we'd better just start w/the hair. Becks, U R lucky 2 have such a cube sis! Oh, BTW, Luann DeGroot e-mailed me & asked where 2 go 2 make these dollies. Here ya go, Luann!


Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

U know, my English teacher keeps talking 2 us abt audience, like how U alwayz hafta consider yr audience whether U R writing an essay, a speech, or whatev else. U wanna keep in mind what's gonna appeal 2 yr audience, rite? Well, my mom totally doesn't care abt her audience, me & dad. Here she is, two dayz in2 the 4th week of her telling us her travel story, & how can she not notice how we don't y'know, give a damn?

This time, we actually tried running away when we saw Mom coming. We had all our thingz ready & we ran out the door, but she ran after, all, "W8! U'll love this!" & she shoved @ us a buncha pics she'd rudely taken of the noblenatives in their tribalwear. Poor Lizzie musta been cringing w/Mom being so ugly tourist! She made a special big deal over 1 guy who'd painted blood red tears running fr. his eyes 2 his mouth, saying he'd told her it's 2 help him C & say the truth. Then she was all, "Oh, I wondered what truths those tears would tell." & all I cd think looking at that photo was, "Man, the truth is the guy totally h8's U mom." I mean, it totally lks like he wants 2 put a big curse on her. Or mayB infect her w/an Mtiggitastic tapeworm? Cd I B on2 something here, Liz?

So, I think since Mom's all in2 xploiting my image w/uggo little collector dolls and paper dollies w/the big child-bearing hips, it's only fair that I go ahead & come up w/my own little Apes dolly, doncha think? How bout:

Yeah, I know the uni is non-regulation, but I think it's cuter than the real 1, don't U?

Dunc & Kimmi are both out fr. school 2day, cuz Kimmi hasta go 2 court & Dunc's going 2 support her. I have no idea Y she needs 2 go 2 court, so I hope he'll write in & xplain when he has a chance.


Monday, October 03, 2005

It's all about the shopping, yo!

Oh. My. God. So Mom lks slike she's settling in 4 another week of her snoozeworthy story. Y, God? Y? I know I can B a drama queen & all, but really I'm not that bad, am I? It's not like I club baby seals or trip ol' ladiez who R trying 2 cross the street, y'know?

So Dad was quizzing me on my vocab flashcards when Mom settled in 4 her next boring installment. Dad tried. He did. He sed, "Elly, April has an important vocab quiz 2day. I think we'd better focus on that instead of the next minute that happened on powwow day." Mom kinda rolled her eyes @ him & sed she was educating us. Tho this next bit was abt how there were booths selling stuff & how Mom got this "intense & passionate feeling" about B-ing able 2 shop. She obvs expected sum big reaction fr. us, but we just looked @ each other for 30 seconds w/out saying NEthing, shrugged, & went back 2 the vocab. Mom huffed & sed she was going 2 stop @ the bake shop on the way 2 the store. Yeah, like way 2 make 2day diff, eh, Mom?

Becks txted me this morning, cuz she wants an emergency quiz session B4 we have our English class. She's stressed cuz her mom used up so much of her time that she woulda been using 2 study. & the embarrassment abt that "tennis game" w/her mom's new bf fr. the health dept doesn't help. So I'm gonna C if I can find her now.


Sunday, October 02, 2005


Wow, peeps, I know I'm l8 posting this. Sorry abt that. I don't even know what time it was when I finally got home after the Freeman party & our stop @ Horny Tim's afterwards. I am sooooo wiped. & so glad that Mom's taking a break from being our own Wikipedia abt the wise & noble natives. Well, Liz called this morning 2 make sure I'm OK, & she did share a story of her own. But @ least it was just a little thing that happened in her classroom steada being a National Geog special. So Liz showed her class how 2 use Dad's leaf press. & during lunch, that Jesse kid used it to squoosh his cheese sandwich.

Then Liz sed, "Now that we've gotten my obligatory slice-o'-native-life bit outta the way, tell me everything that happened last nite! & don't leave NEthing out!" Well, I tried, but I was way tired. The comments 2 my last post already do a gd job describing the party, so I'll just add a coupla things. Becks is totally rite abt those reality-TV producers trying 2 get us 2 create conflict in their interviews. They totally try 2 stir the shizzit, peeps! This guy who interviewed me knew all abt how Jeremy tried to run me over w/his bike & got hit by that car, like a million yrs ago. I'm like, "Dude, that is so ancient history. Jeremy & I mostly leave ea other alone. He's totally nice 2 my bud Becks, so it's all gd, U know?" & this guy was all pissed @ me. He even dredged out sum old letter of "mine" from when I was 9 (yeh, of course Mom totally wrote it) that sez "There's something dark inside him and until he stops being mean, I don't think he will have any real friends at all." What 9-yr-old wd say "there's something dark inside him"? So I had to xplain abt how we all write those monthly letters & my mom "edits" them.

NEway, I don't think the producer guy was NE happier w/me than he was w/Becky, cuz I didn't bring the drama. But U know, now that Gerald has readjusted his Prozac dosage, he's interested in the makin' out again. But without constantly trying 2 go thru the rest of the bases. So we got sum smooching in B4 we realized the cams were watchin' us.

That Huey kid ended up making a huge speech @ the end of the party, mostly abt how shameful his grandfather is, but he also threw in a buncha stuff abt pop culture & the BET TV network, which I don't get, even on Gordo's dish. That Caesar kid ended up being all buddy-buddy w/Dunc even tho they were all competitive @ the beginning. He sed he had a much easier time getting a word in edgewise w/Dunc & that they had more in common than Caesar did w/Huey.

Well, Dunc just got here, so we R gonna go back out 2 Horny Tim's. We totally don't feel like jamming 2day. :)


Saturday, October 01, 2005

Please let this be over soon, Mom!

Erg. So, as promised, I got back brite & early from sleeping ov. @ Becky's house last nite, cuz Mom didn't want me 2 miss a second of her story. When I got in, Dad was sitting @ the kitchen table rubbing his eyes & he sed, "April, MayB we can make a run 4 it! How does breakfast @ Tim Horton's sound?" "Great, but I don't wanna get in trouble." "Don't worry, I'll leave yr mom a note. She'll have 2 know it was my idea." So Dad wrote a note as fast as he cd & we were outta there, in the Bushwacker. (BTW, that whole part of his October letter where he goez on & on abt how rite Mom was abt the CrevASSe & how it's comfy, practical, blahblahblah? Dad sez Mom totally wrote that in herself. Cuz, y'know, she needs 2 show the world how right she is abt everything.) Well, just as soon as had we sat our butts down @ Horny Tim's, Mom was there. She's all, "Oh, good, I'm just in time, U w8 here while I get some brekky." So that of course meanz she shows up with a plate piled high & deep w/donuts. And skim milk in her coffee, natch. Then she sits, inhalez her first five donuts, gets the smug look going on that face of hers, and resumes her story abt the longest pow wow evah. This time about the hoop dancers and the fancy dancers. Jingle dresses. Hand-made moccasins. An eagle feather dropped stops the dancin' cuz it honours a dead elder or veteran. Hey, Liz, during this pow wow thingger, did Mom sit there takin' notes? WTF?

So, if U read Liz's comment that she left last nite, on my post about the October letters, U know that Mom wrote abt 90% of Lizzie's letter (the Shiimsa bit @ the end is the real deal). @ this rate, I don't know Y my mom even bothers pretending the letters R "from" us @ all. But notice how she luvs 2 slip in the Elly praise, like that bit abt the CrevASSe I mentioned alreadE. She totally wants 2 control the impression U all have abt our fam & abt how we must, like, totally worship my saintly mom. But NEway, Liz, abt Mom's going around referring 2 U as her "real daughter", I barely notice NEmore. It's like part of the background noize. Tho I wish Ger's dad wd stop thinking I'm Gerald's "auxiliary gf". That bugz me more than NEthing Mom sez or does.

So, in more xciting news, 2nite is our big performance @ the Freemans'party & our TV début on their reality-TV show. Our rehearsal last nite totally rawked & I can hardly w8!

Apes out

P.S. I finished writing this post about an hour ago, but Blogger 8 it! Thanx, Blogger. :(