No Gentle Breaks

So, once Liz had taken off her jacket, Mom got her 2 sit @ the kitchen table an' pour her heart out. Just Mom and Liz, understand. I was back 2 being "April who?" and lurking on the sidelines. As I peeked my hed in2 the kitchen, Liz buried her face in2 her hands and wailed, "Warren knew Paul was seeing Susan! That's U he offered 2 fly me 2 Mtigwaki a day early!" Then Liz sat up an' I crept in2 the kitchen as she went on w/"I thot it wd B a nice surprise--but it was awful, Mom! Paul was @ Susan's apt!" Mom was all, "Y didn't he tell U he was C-ing sum1 else?" Liz was, like, "He planned 2... When he picked me up @ the bus. He sed he was going 2 break it 2 me gently." Mom put a hand on one of Liz's hands and sed, "Honey.... ...There's no such thing." 4 sum reason, hearing Mom say that made my eyez bug out like a speed freak.


Mike, 4 heav's sake, stay out of the rec room and don't knock my things on the floor. I had all my homework organized on the couch cuz I have NO. WHERE. ELSE. 2. PUT. IT. It took me an hour 2 put it back in2 the rite order after U did that. If U want 2 watch TV, U can do it in the living room. U don't have 2 displace me even more than U already have. That does it, I'm training Shiimsa 2 guard the rec room!

Jeremy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 2 not answer yr post yesterday. I wasn't mad @ what U sed when Ger an' I were discussing what does and doesn't count as cheating. And thanx 4 the warning abt Shannon. I did find her and get her 2 put the teapot away.

Apes

More Bad Patterson Wordplay

After I cried when Mom had asked how I cd live in all that clutter in the rec room, Mom D-cided it was time 4 tea, so we were back in the kitchen. While the tea was steeping in the teapot, I was all, "I'm sorry I yelled @ U, Mom." Which I hadn't dun, I'd just cried a bunch. But this was my only chance that Mom mite apologize 4 her scary yelling. Which she didn't xxactly, but she sort of put on one of her more sympathetic facial xxprssions an' sed, "Well ... I hollered @ U, 2." As she was pouring the tea, she was all, "We're all tense. We're not used 2 so many ppl living in this house." As I noticed that she was pouring her own cup B4 she poured mine, I sed, "And 4 so long!" Then as she was saying "At least Elizabeth's gone 4 a few dayz. That's one less in line 4 the shower," we heard the front door go "SLAM!" And there was Liz, in her noble-north approved fur-lined parka, yelling, "Paul dumped me 4 ANOTHER WOMAN!!" She came in2 the kitchen, threw her arms around Mom, and cried in the xxact same way that I'd been crying just moments B4--left eye dropping a puddle of tears, while the other eye made a weird teardrop fountain around her hed. Must B a family trait. And since I already knew abt Liz/Paul/Susan from this blog, I didn't react with shock, sympathy, and whatevs. But instead, my brain did this weird Patterson thing. It thot, "Speaking of water works..." And @ 1st, I thot, "Y did I just think that?" And I realized, "Oh. Mom had mentioned the shower. And Liz was in tears. Water works."

Gah, this punning program in the Patterson brain, it's really sick, yo. I mean, I shda been wanting 2 help Liz feel better, even tho the breakup wasn't newz. But the whole punning thing kinda overrode NE kinda, like, normal human emotion. And this freaks me out a bit, cuz U know I h8 all the stoopid punning, an' I try 2 resist it. And yet I have moments like that. I hope there is help 4 me.

Apes

Where they left off?

Liz sez that when she sat down 2 write abt her heli ride back from Mtig, she felt all these emotions coming up on her, and she was afraid that she was abt 2 get really depressed. As U mite know, she's been getting xxtra food and sleep whenev that happens l8ly, so she made a big pot of Kraft Dinner, scarfed it up, and then went rite 2 bed. Now she's all, "U handle it, April. But don't mess it up, or I'll chase U around the house, catch U, and pummel U!"

So, in the heli, Warren was all, "Ready 2 roll?" And Liz sez she liked that cuz it was such a "Dad" thing 2 say. She was, like, "Yes, sir, Captain!" So they were taking off and Warren asked how her visit was, Liz told him it was fine. He told her that she didn't sound fine, and she pressed on w/"Really. I'm fine." She totally h8's it when ppl try 2 get her 2 talk abt how she feels an' all. This is when Warren dropped his big bombshell: "Yr friend Paul is with Susan Dokis now.... That's gotta hurt." Weird that he phrased it as "yr friend Paul" when Paul was her BF. NEway, Liz sez she felt like sum1 had punched her in the stomach rite then. She kinda spun her hed towards him, and she was all, "Warren! U KNEW?!" And he was all, "When U fly in the north, U hear things. I didn't think U'd believe me if I told U." W8, he's based in Vancouver, and he hears Mtigwaki gossip cuz he "fl[ies] in the north"? What, do the pilots all gather in sum pilot lounge, watch soaps, and chit-chat abt the luv lives of the cops and teachers in every teensy town "in the north"? Gimme a break. But whatevs, rite? Liz was all, "So.... U dropped me rite in2 the middle of it!!!" And Warren was like, "I've never dropped U, Elizabeth.... I'm just hoping we can pick up where we left off!!"

W8 a minute, wha? Isn't "where they left off" that he lived all the way out in Vancouver, they barely kept in touch, and whenev Liz heard a helicopter, she'd look up and wonder if it mite B Warren, but it never was? Y go back 2 that? And Warren, I think U kinda 4got U were engaged 2 Marjee Mahaha, eh?

Dunc: Studying math and science. U're staying here. Gotcha.

Apes

Great Ppl in Mtig

Liz told me she was feeling 2 "emotionally fragile" 2 tell U the next bit of what happed during her Mtig visit, and she asked me 2 do it. She was, all, walking along outside w/Gary Crane as the huge, elliptical snowflakes hovered all around them. Gary was saying, "We've been 2 the community center, the band hall, the nursing station, the coffee shop and the school." And Liz was like, "I guess I've seen every1 I came 2 C." Gary asked, "And what about Paul. Have U nothing else 2 say 2 him?"

Liz sez she was upset w/Gary 4 saying that, cuz she really wasn't planning on seeing or speaking 2 Paul ever again, but was ready 2 bury the whole thing in her mind as soon as poss. But since she felt like he was putting her up 2 it, she went 2 Susan's apt and knocked on the door. As she did, the door actually said, "KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK," and from inside, Susan sed, "Coming!" This time, both Paul and Susan came to the door. Susan was sort of leaning in2 Paul and she was clutching one of his arms, like she was afraid Liz wd punch her or sumthin'. And Paul looked all startled. Liz sez that Paul was, like, "Elizabeth, we don't want 2 fite, OK?" And Liz sed, "I didn't come 2 fite. I came 2 say goodbye." Then she started 2 walk away while saying, "And Paul... Even tho it didn't work out for us, I want U 2 know that if U ever need a friend...." And she w8ed until she was, like, @ the end of the walkway B4 finishing that sentence: "There R sum gr8 ppl here in Mtigwaki."

Which, I don't know if she was B-ing all sarcastic abt the "gr8 ppl." Cuz she was mad@ them 4 not warning her abt Paul an' Susan. But she still insists they're "noble" up there whenev the subject comes up. And another thing is I'm kinda surprised Liz never sat with Paul (like in an interior setting) and had a convo abt what-all happed, instead of sum quickie words xxchanged outside Susan's door. U know, like what went wrong w/them, when it did, all that. I know Liz is hurt an' all, and I totally understand that, but I think I'd wanna know.

Apes

Liz Explains

Liz did a post last nite that totally xxplained abt Mom and thoze boots, and also told sum more abt her Mtig visit:

April,

Well I can tell you the secret of why Mom had those hoochie black boots, well there was this present that got sent to the house after Christmas, on the tag it said "Ms. E. Patterson" and on the inside it said, "Sorry this is late, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!--Your Secret Santa," well Mom insisted the present had to be for her, since it's "her house," anyway when she saw the boots I said, "Mom those are obviously for a young woman, they must be for me," but Mom insisted, she said, "They're just my style! They go with everything I own!" and then tried to prove it to me by putting them on with all kinds of different outfits from the Milborough Matron collection, even I had to admit that they did not go together, but Mom insisted, even though she couldn't really walk in them too well, anyway you know after Mom and Dad went out on Saturday night I got a phone call, it was from Candace, she sent me the boots, she said she was trying to sex up my wardrobe and that it never occurred to her that Mom would think they might be for her, so you can imagine I was super angry when Mom came home and told me she had thrown away my boots.

Well now you probably want to know more about what I'm calling "the humiliation of the century," well it just never stops, I moped around Gary and Viv's house for a few days with my head in my hands and they were very annoying, making all kinds of excuses for Paul and for why they didn't tell me, then Gary had the nerve to blame me, he said it was partly my fault because I moved away down south on short notice, and what did I expect, that it was silly to think a northerner would be happy to just follow me to my home if I wasn't willing to stay in the place he called home, and that Paul did apply for a transfer to Toronto but got the Spruce Narrows transfer first, which made me wonder if Paul would of chosen me if the Toronto transfer would of come through first, but I don't think so because then Gary said Paul is Native and Susan is Native so they belong together, and that I guided their journey.

Then I had to cry again because it's so not fair, I want someone to guide my journey to a husband, and I know Mom says the Good Witch of the North is doing that, but it's not going fast enough, I need a husband soon, oh my god, I'm going to be 26 this year, and I am starting to see wrinkles in the mirror!

Liz

Liz, I know U will get mad @ this idea, but U shd prolly B told. There R ppl out there who R saying that U shd guide yr own journey, like take responsibility 4 yr own life.

NEway, I'm sorry this is late, peeps. I think I got sum food poisoning from eating more of Dee's cooking yesterday. I'm home sick from school 2day.

Apes

News Wire

Well, Liz didn't post abt the next bit of her visit, but no worries. I found a lil article from the Mtigwaki Tattler:

White Goose Returns

By Aunt Marg

So, we've had some excitement in these parts, what with the return of my nephew Jesse's formerly favourite teacher, Elizabeth "White Goose" Patterson (sorry, Liz, but her really, really loves Susan--and he's learned so much in school this year). As you all probably know by now, Miss Patterson arrived a day earlier than we expected, thanks to the "amazing" life she leads, which includes helicopter pilots who show up to give her rides to places when she was planning to take the bus.

Liz had an unhappy surprise when she learned that other thing you all know by now, that Paul "Suds" Wright and Susan "Chipper" Dokis have fallen in love, and that he was already at her apartment in the teacherage when Liz arrived. And surely you all heard the little exchange that occurred right outside of that apartment when Liz and Paul had their "just happened" dialogue.

So, of course, the next thing that happened was that Liz hopped over to the Crane half of the teacherage and, reportedly, sobbed to Viv that she needed "tea and sympathy." Viv remarks that since Liz has been gone, she's noticed that her tea supply lasts much longer than in used to! So, Viv made some tea, and these two ladies sat down for a chat. According to Viv, Miss Goose told Viv that she "had no idea" about Paul, since they reportedly "wrote to each other" and "talked on the phone." She therefore "never had a clue." Furthermore, when Paul told her that his transfer had come through, she thought it was to Toronto. But now she knows it was to Spruce Narrows (his original transfer request): "He was transferred up HERE!"

Viv tells me that her reply was, "He's a northerner, Elizabeth. He'd never adapt to the city..... And this thing with Susan, well, --One thing led to another, and...." But Miss Liz cut her off before she was able to finish that sentence and explain just how one thing led to another, leading up to that intervention we all had. That poor boy really needed help seeing what was obvious to the rest of us, that Susan was obviously loving and devoted. She's loyal, and steadfast, hardworking, with a gentle sense of Ojibway native humour, and she always looks out for Paul. She always has, even when they were kids on the Pow Wow trail. I know the young people are often drawn to the glamour and drama of dating southerners from the big city, but really, it was time to get some sense into that boy's head.

But as I was saying, Liz interrupted Viv. She pointed out that we all knew that Liz was coming here, and that we all knew about the transfer. Also, we all knew about his dating Susan. She wanted to know, "Why didn't anyone tell ME?!" Vivian thought fast and said, "...We thought it was none of our business."

Viv tells me she considered this the best reply because Miss Patterson is always saying that things about her personal life are none of our business. Surely there are many of you who recall when Jesse innocently asked her whether she prefers bikini briefs or thongs (because he wanted to know what to get her for her birthday), and she told him "None of your business!" Or when she was buying hot chocolate and Kraft Dinners at Phil Goulais's store, and Phil asked, "Say, does Paul like you on top or on the bottom?" And she snapped "None of your business!" She didn't even give poor Phil the chance to explain that he meant the top or bottom of the emergency phone tree.

Well, there is more to this story, as you know, but many of you were curious to know what passed between Liz and Viv right after you saw her slam that door shut following the big blow-up outside of Chipper's place. Thank you, Viv, for granting me that quick interview at the laundromat.

Ohhh, so he got that other transfer! Who knew that one was still active? I guess he never requested Toronto, eh? Oh, or what if he did request Toronto, without cancelling SN? OMG, Liz, this so seems like sumthing U wd do. I mean, he cd say, well, "I'll let fate decide whether I shd B in Spruce Narrows or Toronto! Hm, I guess there's a reason fate wants me in SN, now what cd it B?" Doesn't that SOOOO sound like U?!?!?!?

Well, I think I might B moving through the stages of grief on2 acceptance. MayB. I'll keep U all posted.

Apes

Edit: I just found out about the convo where Gary tells Liz that Paul applied 4 transfers in both places and the Spruce Narrows one came thru first. Yup, I gotta say, that's totally a "Liz" way 2 handle such things!

Things That Just Happen

Well, foax, here's the latest post from Liz:

April,

Okay, well the next part is short and sweet, I just turned around and walked off the porch at the teacherage, I was going to go back to the principalage and drown my sorrows in pie, but Paul followed me, he said, "Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and..."

Well that really ticked me off, because how is it somehow better if he tells me tomorrow right, so I said, "And what?!! Tell me you've dumped me for the teacher who took my place?" because let's face it, that's not what a girlfriend wants to hear when she finally comes to visit you, well of course Paul said, "I didn't plan this...it's just happened," which is typical, I know that line, I have used it myself, so I said, "Lying doesn't 'just happen,' Paul! Cheating and pretending and covering up doesn't 'just happen'! There is a specific list of stuff that 'just happens,' I know what's on it, here are some of the things: 1. Realizing you miss your mommy, 2. Realizing you miss your divorcing ex-high school boyfriend, 3. Accidentally giving your divorced ex-high school boyfriend the wrong idea about your relationship by hugging him and begging him for support during your very romantic rape trial, 4. Your ex-college not-boyfriend shows up and offers you a ride for no reason at all after you smashed his love hopes last year but still you email sometimes just as 'friends', those are things that 'just happen'!"

Well Paul couldn't hardly say anything, he was just like, "But...I didn't want to hurt you!!" well I'm glad I changed my mind about being Glamour Angry because that does not go with the choice I made next which is to do Crying Little Patterson Girl with big puddles of tears under her eyes, I thought that would make people feel more sorrier for me, and I said, "Well guess what, it just happened!"

There's more but I will tell it tomorrow, I think it is dramatic-like to stop here, besides, I am sure Paul will want to tell his stupid side of the story too.


Liz

Oh, and don't forget, Liz, abt how "In a town of 350 ppl, help just 'happens.'" Mom still talks abt that from when she drove U up 2 Mtig in January 2005: "Those nice northern natives, they're not just noble, they're also so helpful!"

NEway, I'm still mad-depressed abt all this. Candace, shd I just follow the dosing instructions on thoze Wellbutrin samples Gramps slipped me, or is it really really bad 4 me 2 do that w/out a real consult? Oh, an' U know who's totally NOT depressed. Mom. Dad. Mike. Gah, Mike and Dad have even made up a lil "I told U so" song an' dance they do whenev they think no1 else can C or hear. So lame.

Apes

Early and Late

So, Liz wrote sum more abt her Mtiggy visit:

April,

Well the next part of the story is very simple, Gary took me to the principalage and when we got there I saw that Paul's car was in the "driveway," which is a polite way of saying he was parked on the rutty part of the grass since the schoolpersonnelage doesn't really have a driveway for parking, anyway, I told Gary to carry my bags inside and he said, "Anything your heart desires! I am your slave! Devoted to you for life!" and I laughed, he is such a kidder, well Viv heard it and must have thought it was super funny too because she gave him one of those punches that says "you kidder!" but Viv probably really shouldn't do that, she's very strong, Gary almost fell over when she punched him.

Well while Gary and Viv were busy getting my things I went and knocked on the door of the teacherage, which as you know is attached to the schoolpersonnelage, anyway, Susan answered the door, you would have been very proud of me April, this time I am not letting any cheater jerk me around, I didn't even let Susan talk, I just said, "Hello, Susan," and informed her that Paul's car is in her driveway, which is how a prosecutor introduces incriminating evidence in court, then I asked to speak to him and I said please, but it was obvious that I was not being polite, it was said all stern-like, so Susan knew "please" meant "you are busted," but it was weird, it was like Susan didn't realize she was busted, she said "sure" I could see Paul, that isn't how it goes in court, when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against Howard in court, his girlfriend Becky would usually do a lot of screaming in the background, but Susan didn't do any screaming, but I am not going to be fooled, I realize she was just trying to hide her guiltyness from me.

Anyway, then Paul came to the door, that Susan didn't let me into the teacherage told me there must be a lot of incriminating evidence in there, like used-up condoms and empty wine bottles and stuff thrown everywhere, well Paul came to the door and said, "Elizabeth! I didn't think you'd be here until tomorrow!" and I was super annoyed because I couldn't tell if his tone of voice was guiltylike or just surprised, and it was shadowy in the teacherage (low lighting = nasty sexcapades) so I couldn't see Paul's expression, but I put on my best angry, "I caught you" face and said, "Well...I got here a day early," because obviously Paul and Susan were confused about what was going on and couldn't figure that out for themselves.

Then the best part happened, I made my eyes go really wide, like I was so shocked by their behavior that it had drove me kind of insane, not like drooling insane but kill your cheating boyfriend insane, I have been listening to that Carrie Underwood song a lot lately so I know what crazy sounds like, so I tried to look how crazy sounds, if you get what I mean, anyhow, when I felt like I looked like I had just walked in on a murder scene or something I said, "And I see it's already too late!" because Elizabeth Patterson is no fool, she is not going to wait around to be told the obvious, when your boyfriend parks in a girl's driveway and is inside her apartment, you know it is a dirty sex thing, that's just how life is, I have learned a lot by having had many terrible things happen to me over the last few years, anyway, I could tell I did a great job because Paul looked kind of horrified, like, "Oh Great Spirit, I should of known I could never trick Elizabeth Patterson, she's too clever!" and Susan was looking at Paul like, "Oh no, we're busted! She's too good! What're we gonna do?!"

That's all I'm going to say today, when I told Candace, she said this was a disappointing installment in the story but then I reminded her it's only Thursday.

Liz

Oh, hey, wdn't it B cube if it turned out that Paul an' Susan had been planning this gr8, super-secret surprise, w/out cluing in Gary an' Viv? And they led Liz in2 Susan's apt 2 show her this big banner that was all, "Liz, will you marry me? Luv, Paul"? And every1 laffed abt what a big misunderstanding it all was? And Paul was like, "We were gonna get Jesse 2 organize a big party if U sed 'yes'"? And Liz was all, "Oh, Paul, I really shd have called an' told U I was gonna B early!" And Jesse was like, "Yeah, Duh, Goosegirl!"

Aw, who'm I kidding? This is just gonna B bad. Candace, I mite need U 2 hook me up w/sum of that Wellbutrin U were tellin' me abt.

Apes