Boring story about my Mom an' Dad
So Mom an' Dad went out 2 eat last nite @ a restaurant called "Restaurant." Mom took a long time figuring out what 2 wear, and 4 sum reason, she settled on a fugly pink sort of jacket-looking top, with a hot pink trim at the collar, bottom, cuff, and down the button line. There were big, blue, sort of puffy-fuzzy buttons down the front. She had a skirt was either blue or purple, depending on how U looked @ it. The skirt was knee length and v. unflattering. Mom put on a pair of black high-heeled boots that were not quite knee high, so there was just a small strip of skin between the skirt and the tops of the boots. Dad acted as if mom looked teh gorgeous in that bad outfit, but I guess it was cuz he didn't want NE objects thrown @ his head.
NEway, Mom an' Dad say that once Dad helped Mom out of the car, she started 2 slip an' slide, so Dad hadta actually hoist Mom up on2 the staircase of the restaurant (with the help of sum random passerby). And on the way home, Mom yelled out super-loud when they were abt 2 pass the thrift shop, cuz Mom wanted Dad 2 pull over and toss out the boots. Which is Y she hobbled up the garage stairz in stocking feet last nite.
Oh, and since Mom and Dad were out, Dee volunteered 2 cook dinner. I tried 2 argue that she'd been thru 2 much l8ly, and I'd B glad 2 whip up a stir fry or a curry, but she insisted. So dinner last nite was boiled carrot coins and stringy chicken. Next time this happs, mayB I can score an invite 2 Dunc's house. His mom has mad cooking skillz.
BTW, rumour has it that Mom an' Dad were @ Restaurant 2 have a s00per-sekrit talk abt "wedding planz." By NE chance did NE of U happen 2 B @ the restuarant, in hearing range?
I know, whatevs. 2morrow, I'll write abt Liz's convo w/Gary.
Apes
NEway, Mom an' Dad say that once Dad helped Mom out of the car, she started 2 slip an' slide, so Dad hadta actually hoist Mom up on2 the staircase of the restaurant (with the help of sum random passerby). And on the way home, Mom yelled out super-loud when they were abt 2 pass the thrift shop, cuz Mom wanted Dad 2 pull over and toss out the boots. Which is Y she hobbled up the garage stairz in stocking feet last nite.
Oh, and since Mom and Dad were out, Dee volunteered 2 cook dinner. I tried 2 argue that she'd been thru 2 much l8ly, and I'd B glad 2 whip up a stir fry or a curry, but she insisted. So dinner last nite was boiled carrot coins and stringy chicken. Next time this happs, mayB I can score an invite 2 Dunc's house. His mom has mad cooking skillz.
BTW, rumour has it that Mom an' Dad were @ Restaurant 2 have a s00per-sekrit talk abt "wedding planz." By NE chance did NE of U happen 2 B @ the restuarant, in hearing range?
I know, whatevs. 2morrow, I'll write abt Liz's convo w/Gary.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:11 AM
7 Comments:
At 9:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. One thing you don’t want to have is an interrogation by my daughter. She is quite intelligent and insightful, much like her father. When mom came in from her date with dad, and she didn’t have on her boots, my daughter was very curious.
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. Where are your boots?”
Mom said, “They are at the Gift of Giving Thrift Shop.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. Did you forget them? I forget my shoes too.”
Mom said, “No. I gave them away.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. But you need them. Mommy always says not to go out in the cold without my shoes on.”
Mom said, “No. I needed to get rid of them. Someone at the Gift of Giving Thrift Shop will find someone who needs them.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. Did they hurt your feet? Sometimes my shoes hurt my feet, because I get bigger. Are you getting bigger, Grandma Elly?”
Mom said, “No. I feel pretty thin today. I couldn’t walk in my boots on the ice. They were too slippery.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. I fell on ice before. It hurts. Did your boots make you fall down and go boom?”
Mom said, “No. I just slipped and your grandpa John and a strange man kept me from falling down.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. Those boots were bad. Did you try them on? Mommy says always try shoes on first. Grandma Mira buys me shoes sometimes and they don’t fit. She says it’s because she has to guess my size.”
Mom said, “Yes. I tried them on. And your Grandma Mira should know by now she should give time and not gifts.”
My daughter said, “Yes. Grandma Elly. Did your boots fit?”
Mom said, “Yes. They fit.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. Did you walk around in them? Mommy always says to walk around in shoes to make sure they feel good. If they feel good, buy them. If they feel bad, don’t buy them, unless they are on sale.”
Mom said, “Yes. I walked around in them.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. You’re silly. Those were good boots. Why did you give them away?”
Mom said, “You’re starting to sound like a Martian granddaughter. I told you it was because they were slippery on ice.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. You’re silly. Ice is slippery. I fall on ice. I keep my shoes.”
Mom said, “Granddaughter. As a Patterson, you’re going to learn that things come easily to you and they will be handed to you because you’re a Patterson. If you put on a pair of boots and they make you slip on the ice, then those boots are not for you. They are for some other person who wants to waste their time learning how to walk on ice in boots---not a Patterson.”
My daughter said, “Grandma Elly. You’re funny.” Then she started running through the house pretending to fall down, and took off some article of clothing and said, “Bad {article of clothing}. You made me fall down. Give away!” My son joined in with her, even though he was not as articulate as his sister. Then Deanna came into the room and said, “Mike! Why are the children running around naked and falling down?” I said, “Mom taught them a new game.” Mom said, “They learn so quickly when they are young.”
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:27 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, mike, i was wondering what that game was all abt, an' y merrie was being all, "watch out, auntie april, u mite fall down in thoze clothes!"
yeah, i don't know y mom hadta toss thoze boots. there r non-skid adhesive stickerz she cd put on the bottoms if she wants 2 wear 'em on icy dayz. or she cd save them 4 non-icy dayz. or she cd give them 2 liz or me.
oh, well, i guess sum1 will buy them @ the thrift store and the $ will go 2 a good cause.
apes
At 10:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
I saw your blog entry about how your mother stepped out last night in some funky black boots. I was a bit surprised to hear she had done such a thing, as she is usually a sensible dresser. However, I do have a few theories:
1) She is trying very hard to "relate" to you.
Your mother often complains that she finds it hard to "relate" to the "martian" (you). She says she doesn't understand the language, or the actions, or the dress of young people today. She is a product of growing up in the 1950's, and therefore only understands giving up her college career to marry and have children, and the music of Bobby Curtola. However, I believe part of her wishes she were a little more "with it". So, the attempted to understand you by wearing a pair of high-heeled black go-go boots in the dead of Canadian winter - which is definitely something a teenager would do.
2) Mother-of-the-bride Syndrome
My second theory is that your mother is experimenting with "looks" to get ready for her role as "mother of the bride". I know when my daughter was getting married I went on a diet and started experimenting with different hair and makeup styles. I wanted to look my best for my daughter's special day! It's likely your mother will need to wear heels on your sister's wedding day, and she has said she isn't used to wearing high heels. Perhaps she thought that wearing knee-high black go-go boots in the middle of winter would be good practice.
3) Extortion.
Your mother is trying to get your father to agree to a large budget for the big Patterson-Caine wedding extravaganza that will be held next September. What better way to do so that to put on a pair of back knee-high go-go boots and pretend she is a "private dancer" for John?
I'm not sure if any of my theories are correct, but I thought I'd give it a shot.
As for your sister-in-law Deanna's cooking skills, she is welcome to come over and cook carrot coins and stringy chicken for Grandpa Jim any day she wants. I do wish she and Michael would at least stop by. Jim misses Liz and Michael a great deal, as he does the rest of the family. At least you stop by and visit, dear. You're such a good girl.
Love,
Iris Richards
At 11:38 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, yr moms on her way ovah here, she says she wants my mom 2 check her feet 4 frostbite. Like she cld of got it walking from yr attached garage in2 yr house.
My 'rents r having a good laff, they dont no y yr mom bot eff-me boots @ her age. My mom says all of the inappropriate winter footwear injuries she sees r either teenage girls trying 2 look fashionable by wearing eff-me boots or oldies who 4get 2 wear their boots. My dad says y did yr mom don8 the boots, does she think its ok 4 poor ppl 2 get hurt.
L8r. Got 2 leave b4 yr mom gets here. Zed & I r having dbl dbls @ Horny Ts & then we r going 2 Zeds place 2 start studying 4 exams. Skool rilly sucks.
MCDunC
p.s. I asked my dad if he wld help me build sum steel drums 4 the Bajan tunes. He said hed start work on them as soon as yr mom gets here.
At 4:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
iris, i dunno. all of yr theories make sense.
dunc, i can't say that i blame yr dad.
apes
At 1:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well I can tell you the secret of why Mom had those hoochie black boots, well there was this present that got sent to the house after Christmas, on the tag it said "Ms. E. Patterson" and on the inside it said, "Sorry this is late, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!--Your Secret Santa," well Mom insisted the present had to be for her, since it's "her house," anyway when she saw the boots I said, "Mom those are obviously for a young woman, they must be for me," but Mom insisted, she said, "They're just my style! They go with everything I own!" and then tried to prove it to me by putting them on with all kinds of different outfits from the Milborough Matron collection, even I had to admit that they did not go together, but Mom insisted, even though she couldn't really walk in them too well, anyway you know after Mom and Dad went out on Saturday night I got a phone call, it was from Candace, she sent me the boots, she said she was trying to sex up my wardrobe and that it never occurred to her that Mom would think they might be for her, so you can imagine I was super angry when Mom came home and told me she had thrown away my boots.
Well now you probably want to know more about what I'm calling "the humiliation of the century," well it just never stops, I moped around Gary and Viv's house for a few days with my head in my hands and they were very annoying, making all kinds of excuses for Paul and for why they didn't tell me, then Gary had the nerve to blame me, he said it was partly my fault because I moved away down south on short notice, and what did I expect, that it was silly to think a northerner would be happy to just follow me to my home if I wasn't willing to stay in the place he called home, and that Paul did apply for a transfer to Toronto but got the Spruce Narrows transfer first, which made me wonder if Paul would of chosen me if the Toronto transfer would of come through first, but I don't think so because then Gary said Paul is Native and Susan is Native so they belong together, and that I guided their journey.
Then I had to cry again because it's so not fair, I want someone to guide my journey to a husband, and I know Mom says the Good Witch of the North is doing that, but it's not going fast enough, I need a husband soon, oh my god, I'm going to be 26 this year, and I am starting to see wrinkles in the mirror!
Liz
At 1:31 PM,
Jenney said…
Liz,
You keep saying things like, "The transfer would of come through," when it ought to be "The transfer would have come through."
You're a teacher. You should know that "would" is a helping verb making the statement subjunctive and that it must have a verb to help. That verb should be "have". "Of" isn't a verb at all, but a preposition. You are using it entirely incorrectly, which is just what I would expect from Michael's sister because his monthly letters are so full of grammatical errors I think his novel is only being published so they can use it to train proofreaders.
I was supposed to be in your class next year but my parents are pulling me out of public school because they are worried that all the teachers are as inarticulate as you.
I can't tell you my real name because I had to lie and say I was 18 to get a blogger account. If my parents find out I'll get in trouble.
"jenney"
Post a Comment
<< Home