April's Real Blog

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Sinking Feeling

Here's the next bit of what happed w/Liz's trip 2 Mtig in Warren's helicopter. When they were hovering over the village, Liz was all, "We're here!" And Warren was like, "I'll circle 'round the town. Sum1 will drive up 2 the airstrip 2 get U." How convenient in the magical north, eh? Then when they landed, a truck was pulling up rite away. Warren was all, "Here's a truck already!" Liz was, like, "It's Gary!" Then Warren told her, "I'll B back 4 U in 3 days--have fun!" What, a round trip? Is Flyboy Lizzie's air chauffer? NEway, Liz was like, "I will, Warren. Thanx 4 the ride!" Then Gary got out of his truck and Liz was all, "Gary, it's so good 2 C U!" And he was like, "Hey! I wondered who was being dropped off!" He grabbed her suitcase 4 her and sed, "When I saw the 'copter circling, I thot we were getting a visit from sum government inspector!" Liz was all, "Well, it's only me." Liz sez that as she was putting on her seatbelt with that self-satisfied feeling she always seems to get when she puts on a seatbelt, she had the most unnerving feeling that Gary was looking @ her warily and thinking, "Well, girl--U'll have sum inspecting 2 do!!"

Oh, deargod! I feel SICK! I just. Oh, man, oh, man. I just h8 the way I think this is abt 2 go. Oh, BTW, Liz sed that Gary had either borrowed Paul's jacket, the 1 that matches hers, or he'd gone out an' bought one of his own. What, is it the must-have fashion up north?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:45 AM  

15 Comments:

  • At 9:07 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well your Blog entry left a little to be desired today. You tell us that Liz told you that she thought Gary Crane was thinking, “Well, girl--U'll have sum inspecting 2 do!!" and then you say, “Oh, deargod! I feel SICK! I just. Oh, man, oh, man. I just h8 the way I think this is abt 2 go.” I have no idea what is making you feel sick, but I can guess.

    I can tell you from my brief visit to the hellhole called Mtigwaki, there is no telling what sort of degrading thing Gary Crane has in mind when he thinks the word “inspecting”. When I met him, I definitely got the impression he was lecherous, even without being influenced by Patterson allure. You just reported he thought, “Well, girl”. That is not a sign of respect for your sister. The sooner your sister gets away from Gary and into the protective arms of her constable boyfriend, the better. I know, if I were your sister, that’s where I would want to be. I’ve seen his picture. He’s cute.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. When she finally got to that place where she worked in the Northwest, from what you wrote Liz told you, it sounds like they didn’t recognize her. The guy who picks her never calls her by name, says he thought she was a government inspector, and despite the protestations of our sister to the contrary, still thought she had some inspecting to do.

    Our dear sister, the Lizardbreath must have using some kind of breath freshener, out of consideration for the other passengers in helicopter, since she knew she was going to be in the tight space of the helicopter for hours. Unfortunately for her, it sounds like the people where she used to live operate more on smell than sight. If Liz’s breath continues to smell good, no one there in the North may recognize her.

    It could create an awkward but amusing situation, if her constable boyfriend falls into the same category of sniffers and not lookers. If he is expecting Liz’s usual breath to accompany her arrival, he may mistake other things for Elizabeth, like a passing skunk or a pile of refuse. I have to say, little sis, I am actually looking forward to hearing the next part of the story. It could be very amusing.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i think ur suspectin’ bad things. u know the constable guy haz been writin’ here 4 months. he seems nice, even tho he’s kinda st00pid wen it comez 2 ur sis. u know, it cud b, this gary crane guy iz talkin’ ‘bout inspectin’ an engagement ring. the other possibility iz that he wunts ur sis 2 inspect & see how much bettah the skool iz, since ur sis has left it. there’s lotsa different things it cud b. it duzn’t hafta b a bad thing.

    wut am i sayin’? it’s gonna b awful. the town iz gonna have been half burnt down cuz liz’s constable bf wuz teachin’ jesse mukwa how 2 smoke, & they put the cigar out in a flammable dreamcatcher covered in used napkins.

    neway, i ran n2 zapata henderson 2day & i asked her how the concert wuz last nite, & she sed, “wtf? ru sum kinda government inspector?” i guess i shudn’t xxpect ne kinda thanx 4 the tix i got her.

     

  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Well, I will tell you a little about what happened next, as we were driving along I said, "I can't wait to get to the principalage half of the schoolpersonnelage, I need a nap, traveling is stressful and I need to take good care of myself so I don't get depressed!" and Gary said, "Girl, I know something we can do that will cheer you right up," and he turned down this dirt road with a lot of ruts that lead into the forest and I said, "Where are we going?" and Gary said, "This is a new shortcut," and then I asked, "Oh, okay," and Gary said, "Relax, I know what I'm doing," and I said, "Oh, I trust you!" and Gary said, "That's good, I'm very trustworthy," and then we were bumping down this road into the middle of nowhere and I said, "Wow, there are so many trees here it's dark even in the daytime!" and Gary said, "Oops, I think I'm lost," and I said, "Well, let's turn around," and Gary said, "No, we don't have enough gas, better to stay where we are."

    Well then Gary said, "Well, now we just wait for help. Maybe you should take that nap," and I giggled and said, "Oh goody," and Gary said, "Great idea, why don't you stretch out some?" so I did, I stretched out on the front seat of his truck and I closed my eyes and then after a second I heard the sound of a zipper going down and I asked him without opening my eyes, "What's that?" and Gary said, "Just getting my gear ready!" and so I started to go to sleep but then I felt my parka unzipping and without opening my eyes I said, "What're you doing?" and Gary said, "You look like you're too hot in all those clothes," and I said, "Oh Gary, you're too thoughtful," and then I felt my jeans unzipping and I said, "What're you doing now?" and Gary said, "Your jeans look tight, I thought you would be more comfortable if they were undone," and I said, "Oh, okay," and then Gary said, "Keep your eyes closed," and I said, "Oh, okay," and then I felt Gary climb on top of me and I said, "What are you doing now?" and Gary said, "I feel cold. This is the Native way to huddle for warmth," just then, there was a knock on the window, it was Billy Strongblood, he had been out trapping and he asked, "What's going on here?" and Gary said, "We're lost!" and Billy pointed us the way back to the main road and we ended up having enough gas to get back after all, I will tell more of what happened tomorrow, but Gary did say, "Girl, you have some amazing luck!" and it's true.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. It’s a good thing mom has drilled into my head that all native peoples are good and noble and without flaw, or I would have had a very different interpretation of the story the Lizardbreath told. Since this Gary guy has still not identified her by a name other than “girl”, it is clear he still thinks of her as a government inspector, and is obviously trying to keep her busy while his companions finish cleaning up whatever toxic wastes they have up in noble native places in the northwest, or whatever it is that he thinks Liz should be inspecting. Clearly the other man, the Billy Strongblood character must have been sent to tell Gary indirectly, they had finished and were ready for the inspection. I hope Liz stopped using those breath fresheners, so that they eventually can figure out who she is.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Billy Strongblood . I haven’t heard that name in awhile. I remember he had painted blood red tears running from his eyes and mouth. He said it was to help him see and speak the truth. I remember wondering what truths those tears would tell, until Billy actually started telling me I secretly danced around to Britney Spears’ music in my underwear. Fortunately, I have gotten out of that habit, since Britney doesn’t seem to wear underwear anymore and I started living in Becky’s house, and she considers Britney a rival singer.

    From what your sister wrote, she’s lucky she got away from her encounter with Gary with her virginity intact, and got away from Billy Strongblood with only a set of directions. I thought I was right about that lecherous Gary Crane, but I am glad your sister got away with only a little unzipping.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, when i 1st started reading yr comment fr. this morning, 4 a sec i thot i was reading a comment from mike. saying my entry left sumthing 2 b desired is such a "michael" thing 2 say.

    liz, yeah, i agree w/every1 who's saying it soundz like gary was up 2 no good, big time. good thing billy strongblood showed up.

    zeremy, yeah, i'm s00per-sure it's gonna b bad, bad, bad.

    apes

     

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    A “Michael” thing to say? Ouch!! What did I do to deserve that?

    My problem with your Blog entry was that you said you hated how things were about to go, but then you left us hanging about what that way is. Details, April. I need details. If you have good gossip, then you should share. After all, I tell you a lot of things. Well, at least the things a 15-year-old could hear without me being arrested.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, rn't there times u just don't wanna say sumthing cuz u r afraid it's, like, mad bad luck? only u're afraid it's gonna happ neway? but still u r scared 2 say it, just in case?

    well, it's one of thoze. i hope u understand.

    apes

     

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I don't know what you and the other crazy people on this blog are talking about, Gary is a wonderful man, you can tell by how he wears the same Noble Native Parka that Paul and the other Noble Natives do, also, he calls me "girl," which is the traditional polite form of address to a young woman you like, notice that Paul calls me "girl" and "sweet girl," so anyway there's no way that Gary could have done anything wrong, he was just being polite.

    By the way, someone mentioned that I look "self-satisfied" when I buckle my seat belt, I don't know how you would know that since I always buckle my seatbelt facing toward the door, even if the buckle is on the inside like it is on most cars, I face away, so the only way you could see my expression is to be hanging around outside the car window, by the way I learned at the trial and from my wonderful counselor Sylvia that is actually called "stalking" and is not an okay thing to do to anybody, even if you are only trying to see the expression on her face when she buckles her seatbelt, Sylvia says that shows "an unhealthy degree of interest in my actions," she doesn't understand how everyone wants to know what Pattersons are doing, but what can you expect from her, Sylvia is from Burlington, home of the evil Sobinskis, who do not understand why Pattersons deserve as much respect as we do, but anyway, the reason I look self-satisfied is that it is good driving safety to buckle up, gosh what is the world coming to that you don't know that, I'm kind of ashamed of you all really, but anyway, I'm proud that I always buckle my seatbelt, it's a good Pattersonian thing to do.

    More about my surprising, husband-to-be revealing trip later!

    Liz

     

  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm a friend of Fiona Brass's, and I’m starting a little betting pool based on your own Elizabeth Patterson’s marital prospects. Everyone is invited to place a wager on who they think Liz will end up marrying. You can place your bets by posting to this blog if you want. I’ll record them. Remember to supply your reason for betting!

    Candidates (from most to least likely, according to a random poll of Ontarians)
    Paul Wright
    Anthony Caine
    Warren Blackwood
    Jesse Mukwa
    Gary Crane
    Dennis North
    Gordon Mayes
    Candace Halloran
    Howard Bunt
    Dr. Ted McCaulay
    Eric Chamberlain

    Selected Bets to Date

    Elly Patterson: $10,000 on Anthony Caine ("He's her childhood sweetheart! He can’t fail!")

    John Patterson: 1/2 a dental practice on Anthony Caine ("Anthony's a great guy...just like me!")

    Connie Poirier: $500 on Paul Wright ("No woman can resist an exotic cad!")

    Anne Nichols: $100 each on Ted McCaulay and Eric Chamberlain ("Weak women always pick a cheater...just ask me.")

    Mike Patterson: 50% of the royalties from his first novel, tentatively entitled Fend For Yourself: A Postwar Comedy of Death and Shattered Dreams on the Saskatchewan Prairies on Warren Blackwood as her first husband, and Anthony Caine as her second husband ("My sister is too stupid and insensible to smartly select a superior suitor on her first foray into ferreting out a fine fiance!")

    Deanna Patterson: One lemon zester (slightly singed) and two dozen balls of yarn (with smoky smell) on Jesse Mukwa ("Just like a good Patterson woman, Liz is always thinking of the children first.")

    Iris Richards: Three months of Old Age Security (OAS) checks on Dennis North (“Women love a good dancer. A handsome, straight good dancer if one’s available. But two outta three ain’t bad. Sorry, Coward.”)

    Tracey Mayes: Three hausfrau dresses on Gordon Mayes ("She's lured other husbands away from their wives...I've seen how he looks at her...giving her free motorcycles and deep discounts on new cars...sob! I'm the next victim of the Patterson allure!")

    Anita, Liz's college roommate: 11 million pesos (approx. $1 million US, $1.1 million CDN) on Candace Halloran ("I got my entire family in Mexico to sell all their possessions to put up the money for this bet. Those two spent a lot of time holed up in Liz's bedroom, alone together. Giggling and drinking wine. You can claim that no Patterson ever turns out gay, but I know what I know.")

     

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i didn't say nething abt how u look when u buckle yr seatbelt, only abt how u told me u feel.

    apes

     

  • At 8:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    betty, i want the answer 2 b paul, but i fear it's gonna b anthony, cuz that wd suck. i'm 2 depressed by the whole idea 2 even bet, tho.

    apes

     

  • At 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Well I want to tell you what happened next before somebody else does, which you might think is not too likely, but as I just found out there are lots of people who know more about my private stuff than I know about it, for example Gary Crane, when we were in his truck, driving to the schoolpersonnelage after Billy Strongblood rescued us in the woods, Gary and I started talking, you know how that is, Natives love to talk, even though I noticed one thing, Gary looks a little more pasty white and a little less native than he used to, I wonder what that is all about, maybe he is using that skin bleaching cream I saw on the late-night infomercial when Candace and I were sitting up drinking wine and giggling while Rudy had to work late.

    Well anyway, Gary said he didn't know why I was there early but it was okay because the guest room bed actually did have some clean sheets on it which he made it sound like that was unusual and a lucky coincidence, which worried me about Viv's housekeeping habits not being up to Mom's standards, but then he said Viv was baking a pie so I forgot about dirty sheets and started thinking about pie, I was going to ask what kind when I realized that Gary was looking at me like I should say something and I realized he wanted to know why I was there so early.

    You would be so proud of me April, I lied like a pro, I said I was sorry to be early (NOT! SURPRISE!) and that I just couldn't wait to get there, notice how I just skipped over explaining why I didn't call, I know you were probably worried that I would mess up the all-important "lying and confusing people" part of your SURPRISE! plan, but I didn't, I was so proud I started to look self-satisfied almost like I do when I put on a seatbelt and I said that I had to hurry up and get in touch with Paul because I didn't want him to be all busy waiting for me at the bus stop in Spruce Narrows tomorrow and you know how it is in Mtigwaki if the phone lines aren't working we might have to use a smoke signal or send a messenger on snowshoes, I love the local native color but it sure takes a long time, and I didn't want the man the Good Witch of the North might want to be my future husband to freeze at the bus stop, so we needed to call Paul, bet you thought I would mess up the tricky "call Paul" part of the SURPRISE! plan too!

    Then Gary surprised me a lot, he said I didn't have to call Paul, he was already in town with Susan, which made me upset, I said, "With Susan?" because I was thinking, if he is with Susan in Mtigwaki today how was he going to be in Spruce Narrows tomorrow at the bus stop, I mean he has a car but you know how unreliable cars are in the north, it might of broke down, but then I said "With Susan?" again because I realized something else, something much worser than bad emergency snow planning.

    So I asked Gary "With Susan as in 'a friendly visit' or with Susan as in with Susan?!!" and Gary got all shifty-eyed and said, "Well, I think you'll have to work that out with them!" and that confused me, I didn't know quite what he meant by that, because and correct me if I'm wrong but if Paul is cheating with Susan then he's cheating with her, and that's that, but Gary made it sound like me and Paul and Susan could sit down together and decide whether Paul was cheating or not, it was very confusing, and I could see on Gary's face that he was worried I didn't get it, and I kind of didn't understand what he meant but Elizabeth Patterson does not get got the better of, except on sometimes when Eric cheats on her or April tries on her underwear, but even then Elizabeth Patterson knows how to cover up her not getting it, she pretends to get it and makes that pretending convincing by using violence, so with that in mind then I said, "With pleasure," because it sounded good and angry, and I looked good and angry, but in a glamorous way, I don't want to be an "ugly angry" like Mom, I want to be a "glamorous angry" like Dee, that is maybe Mom's one flaw, she lets her nose get too big and her under eye bags get too baggy when she's mad, well, that's not going to be Elizabeth Patterson, let me tell you something, Elizabeth Patterson got a full makeup kit (slightly smoke-damaged) from her sister-in-law for Christmas and she knows full well how to use the "Glamorous Angry" makeup palette that came with it!

    More tomorrow.

    Liz

     

  • At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    Re the wagering pool:
    Although not strictly proper under police ethical guidelines, please put me down for $6 (Canadian) on Anthony the Stalker, based simply upon your elder sister's extreme stupidity.

     

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