Liz uses Paul's full name so she can pun
So, the day after Warren came by 2 offer Liz a heli-ride 2 Mtig, Liz packed in a hurry. While she was packing, I was all, "Man, U get 2 fly 2 Mtigwaki in a helicopter. U R so lucky!!" And Liz sed, "I know." Tho now that I think of it, I don't know Y I was that impressed abt riding in a helicopter. Hm, weird. NEway, as Liz dragged her suitcase an' carried a shopping bag w/gifts an' stuff, she was all, "I wasn't sure I'd B able 2 go--but they remanded the trial until next month--so, I called every1 and they're xxpecting me 2morrow.... But--I'll arrive @ noon 2day." I wonder Y Liz didn't call every1 again an' tell them abt her change of planz. But I'm sure Liz will B mad @ me 4 saying that, cuz she's mad @ me 4 everything I ever say, I totally can't win w/her.
After Liz put on her jacket (the fur-trimmed one that matches Paul's jacket), she sat at the foot of the stairs 2 put on her shoes. While she was tying them, I was like, "Paul won't B happy abt U flying w/Warren." And Liz actually sed, "If Paul Wright is concerned abt Warren, then he is totally wrong!" See what she did there? She totally used Paul's first and last name only so she cd make a lame Patterson pun. I mean, it's not like I need 2 B reminded what Paul's last name is, eh? And as Liz was walking 2 the door w/her suitcase an' her shopping bag, I thot, "Right!"
U know what? have a v. v. bad feeling we're being set up 4 sum1 2 make a horrible pun abt how "Sometimes Mr. (W)Right is Mr. Wrong." God, I feel sick just thinking abt it. I don't know what wd make that happen, but I sense it leads 2 Liz an' Anthony 4ever. Which wd totally give Mike an orgasm and make me ill. Sorry, Mike, but I'll B blunt. I DO NOT LIKE ANTHONY.
Oh, and BTW, Mike, if U R so smart, Y do U not know that in 2001, I was ten, not 11? I was born in 1991, remember? 1991 plus ten equals 2001.
Dunc. Pink lamp, green shells. Becky, do U have NE of thoze chainz left over? Zandra, I think we mite need 2 chain up Dunc 4 his own safety.
Apes
After Liz put on her jacket (the fur-trimmed one that matches Paul's jacket), she sat at the foot of the stairs 2 put on her shoes. While she was tying them, I was like, "Paul won't B happy abt U flying w/Warren." And Liz actually sed, "If Paul Wright is concerned abt Warren, then he is totally wrong!" See what she did there? She totally used Paul's first and last name only so she cd make a lame Patterson pun. I mean, it's not like I need 2 B reminded what Paul's last name is, eh? And as Liz was walking 2 the door w/her suitcase an' her shopping bag, I thot, "Right!"
U know what? have a v. v. bad feeling we're being set up 4 sum1 2 make a horrible pun abt how "Sometimes Mr. (W)Right is Mr. Wrong." God, I feel sick just thinking abt it. I don't know what wd make that happen, but I sense it leads 2 Liz an' Anthony 4ever. Which wd totally give Mike an orgasm and make me ill. Sorry, Mike, but I'll B blunt. I DO NOT LIKE ANTHONY.
Oh, and BTW, Mike, if U R so smart, Y do U not know that in 2001, I was ten, not 11? I was born in 1991, remember? 1991 plus ten equals 2001.
Dunc. Pink lamp, green shells. Becky, do U have NE of thoze chainz left over? Zandra, I think we mite need 2 chain up Dunc 4 his own safety.
Apes
Labels: Liz, Paul, stupid puns, Warren
posted by April Patterson @ 8:59 AM
26 Comments:
At 10:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sorry about the age mixup. There was a period in the Lizardbreath's and my life when we didn’t age for about 3 years, and it always throws off my calculations of how old people in our family are.
Your Blog entry contains your opinion as it sometimes does, and as usual, they seem to miss the main points of things. First of all, it doesn’t matter if you like Anthony or if I like Anthony. The important thing is that Anthony Caine is the only man who will make Liz happy. Why you don’t want your sister to be happy is beyond me.
Second of all, you seem to be concentrating on trying to avoid a pun on Liz’s constable boyfriend’s last name. This seems like a wasted effort, since his parents obviously named him so he could be the source of puns. As you should know by now, parents of children know the best thing for them, and if Paul Wright’s parents felt he should have a last name which people could pun, then that is probably what he needs.
In your conversation with Elizabeth you quoted, you did seem to be more interested in her well-being than your pun comments would lead the average reader to believe. Fortunately, I am not an average reader. It may look to you like Elizabeth is going out of her way to create a disastrous situation in her visit to whatever that place is called she is going, by going with her ex-boyfriend to visit her current boyfriend and by not letting anyone know she is coming early. That is exactly what she is doing. It is time-honoured Patterson tradition and it almost always works out to our advantage. If people are not willing to change a little or bend a little to accommodate us, then we will find someone who will. For example, when Josef Weeder and I went to Japan to interview the clothing designer Divala, she would not give us enough time for a proper interview. But I found that people who wanted to tell me all the bad things about Divala, were very accommodating. Divala may have been upset to have all those bad things written in a national publication, but the moral of the story is: Be a gracious host to a Patterson.
As for Elizabeth making her constable boyfriend angry for taking a helicopter ride, she is completely right. The perfect spouse is like my lovely Deanna, who trusts me implicitly, no matter what I may do. When I say I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend, Martha McGuire, she doesn’t bat an eye. When I tell her about the barely-covered breasts of the new receptionist at Portrait Magazine, she shows almost no reaction at all. When I mention the naked sylphan lovelies in our advertising campaigns, she does not care. My relationship with Deanna is committed and secure. As Elizabeth knows, if you don’t have a commited and secure relationship, you know that it is not going to be a working, long-term partnership. If her boyfriend gets angry with her, then Elizabeth will know he is not the man for her. And that would be the best thing for everyone involved if she did, since she seems to be unable to resolve her boyfriend issues any other way.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:56 AM,
howard said…
April,
Free of the chains at last. I could almost sense the moment when your sister left for her trip. It was like this enormous pressure of being a heterosexual man, madly in love with a badly-dressed, hair-bunned, impolite and rude woman was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. Becky gave me her test, that I could say, “I hate Elizabeth” without fainting and I passed. Becky was quite relieved I had recovered. I think everyone in Milborough would agree that this was one of the worst cases of Patterson allure we have had in a long time. Of course, Becky’s main concern was that I start cooking and cleaning again. The kitchen and the house were a mess. How can she make such messes in such a short time?
I was about to start cleaning, when I got a call from my lawyer Mr. Benis. He said, “Howard. They’re remanding the trial until next month.” I said, “What does that mean?” Mr. Benis said, “They’re sending the trial down to a lower court.” I said, “Why would they do that?” Mr. Benis said, “When the court case is taken to a higher court, sometimes they find things were not done properly by the lower court, so they send the case back down to the lower court.” I said, “We were in a higher court?” Mr. Benis said, “You’re right, Howard. I need to check on that. I’ll call you back.”
Then Mr. Benis called me back and said, “You were right Howard. There is no lower court. You are being remanded into custody, and you will be taken to a remand centre.” I said, “Why are they doing that?” Mr. Benis said, “When the judge rules that the case presented should go to trial, then the accused is placed in the remand centre until the trial occurs.” I said, “But we were already in the trial for 2 months, and I was never in custody.” Mr. Benis said, “You’re right, Howard. I need to check on that. I’ll call you back.”
Then Mr. Benis called me back and said, “You were right Howard. You are not being remanded into custody. The trial itself is being remanded and taken to a remand centre.” I said, “Like the trial is the criminally accused?” Mr. Benis said, “I agree with this one. Your trial has been so mishandled, it should be criminally accused.” I said, “I don’t think a trial can be remanded into custody.” Mr. Benis said, “You’re right, Howard. I need to check on that. I’ll call you back.”
Then Mr. Benis called me back and said, “You were right Howard. A trial can’t be remanded. But it can be continued. Judge Patterlover apparently decided that ‘continued’ did not sound impressive enough, so he decided to call it ‘remanded’ instead.” I said, “That certainly sounds like the judge.” Mr. Benis said, “You have another month of freedom, Howard. You should go celebrate.”
Then I realized I have been freed. Your sister has left town and I don’t get sent to prison for yet another month. I told Becky we should celebrate. Her response was “Celebrate by making me something to eat. I’ve had to eat my own cooking this week, and I really got tired of chaining you up and listening to you babble about how wonderful Liz Patterson is.” Maybe, we’ll celebrate later, after I get this mess cleaned up.
Howard Bunt
At 11:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, last nite wuz rilly weird. i got this im frum duncan anderson. he sed, “i’m back in canada & i need sum1 2 pick me up. cld u pls call zed & ask her 2 pick me @ the airport? i can’t get april 2 respond & i have 2 take her sis 2 mtg. cud ask zed 2 rent an atv, so i will b reddy?” i im’ed, “ru on drugz? y izn’t sum1 in ur fam there 2 take u home?” then he im’ed, “they won’t unnerstand. i needta take april’s sis 2 mtg.” i im'ed, “alright. i’ll call zed 4u. april’s prolly asleep in the rec room & duzn’t have access 2 her computer in her room, cuz her bro & sil r there.”
so i called up zed, or zandra larson & i told her the sitch. she sed, “i know all ‘bout this biz. all the men in my fam r thinkin’ the same way. i hadda stop charles wallace frum makin’ a rocket in the back yard 2 shoot him & liz patterson 2 mtigwaki. don’t worry, jeremy. i’ll take care of it.” so i figger she did, since i didn’t get ne more messages frum duncan.
‘bout ur blog entry, i think wut ur sis iz tryin’ 2 do iz 1 of thoze thingz girls sumtymez do 2 guyz, where they “test” the guy. i remembah tangi origami usedta do that 2 me back wen i wuz w/her. it wuz always like, “don’t let me eat ne chocolate.” so i wud eat the chocolate, if there wuz ne. then she wud say, “u didn’t save me ne chocolate. i wanna break up.” so i wud go & get sum chocolate 4 her & she wud say, “i told u 2 not let me eat ne chocolate. ur not listenin’ 2 me. i wanna break up.” tangi wuz a real workout & i think ur sis iz the same way.
i think she’ll get to mtigwaki & it’ll b like, “i’m here. surprise!” & the peeps will be like, “but we xxpected ur 2morrow. we still hafta clean the bear feces outa the guest bedroom.” & ur sis will b like, “u don’t like me nemore. i thot u wud b glad 2 have an xxtra day w/me.” then they will say, “u coulda called.” & ur sis will say, “but then it wudn’t have been a surprise. don’t u like surprises?”
& of course w/ur sis’ bf, it’s gonna b, “i thot u sed thingz were ovah w/u & the helicopter guy.” & she will b, “if ur concerned ‘bout warren, ur totally wrong.” & he will b, “but wen i offered to drive u2 mtigwaki or meet u ½-way, u turned me down.” & she will b, “warren & i r just friends. i hadda accept hiz invite 4 old times’ sake, evn tho i alreddy bought tix & turned u down. nevah mind the fact i also hadda give him a big goodbye hug rite in fronta u & every1 in mtigwaki includin’ ur rellies who live here. it wuz just a goodbye hug.”
i’m glad i’m not ur sis’ bf or 1 of her friends.
At 12:50 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
Jeremy's right, mostly, about the effect your sister had on Charles Wallace. Strangely, though, she didn't have an effect on Arne. My father explained why.
"Your uncle has a special sense that over-rides anything like this Patterson allure," he said. "It's financial."
"So, if Liz Patterson were rich..." I said.
"Exactly. Your uncle would be after her in a shot."
My father's arm is all right, but at least he didn't have to do any awkward explaining. My mother had been busy at the hospital for two days, since they had a huge influx of allure victims.
Don't worry--Duncan's safe.
Zandra
At 1:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, 1 thing i know abt u is that u will alwayz spout the official patterson propaganda. what i'm not 100% sure of is whether u believe it or whether u say it so mom will approve of u and give u the house sumday.
like all this "childhood sweetheart" stuff. don't u ever question it? doesn't it bother u that it started w/our generation, not mom's or grandpa's? grandpa jim grew up in ontario and grandma marian grew up in vancouver. they didn't meet until they were both serving overseas in ww2. mom grew up in vancouver, and dad in ontario. they met when they were in uni in toronto. uncle phil and aunt georgia met as adults and married. same 4 uncle danny and aunt bev. and grandpa will and grandma carrie.
now, don't even try 2 do yr shifty, "oh rite, yes, they weren't childhood sweethearts, er, u r just a child, u don't get 2 know the secrets" bs. cuz i totally caught mom and dad laffing over having convinced u of that "2 avoid confusing poor michael!"
ok, abt anthony. u say he'd make liz happy. i don't think so. really, he doesn't even know her nemore. u know who he's in luv w/? he's in luv w/an imaginary liz he's carried in his head since they broke up after hs grad. the liz in his head is frozen in time, alwayz 19 yrs old. if anthony and liz married, he'd never 4give her 4 being the real liz instead of the imaginary 1. and he'd end up punishing her 4 being who she is. the punishment mite come abt unconsciously, but it wd happen. and they'd both b unhappy. liz needs 2 b w/sum1 who luvs the real, present-day liz 4 who she is. 4 whatev reason, paul appears 2 fit that description.
and u and dee. come on. actions speak louder than words, remember? u avoid her as much as poss. as soon as u get home from a long day @ portrait, what do u do? spend as much time w/dee as u can? NO! u run up 2 yr attic and hide. u say that's b-cuz u r a writer following yr muse, but come on! i know there r many, many times when u go up there and play computer games or im weed 4 hrs an' hrs.
i think u wish u'd never re-met dee when she had that car accident. i think u wish that u and weed stayed a "dynamic duo" of freelancing, writing and photography, travelling all over the world 2 chase storiez and share hotel rooms. i think u h8 yr life. if u were honest, u wd say so.
u say gerald and i r destined 2 b 2gether. mayB we r and mayB we r not. BUT. if we r, it's not b-cuz we r childhood sweethearts. it will b b-cuz we r rite 4 ea other, sharing the same goals and dreams, plus being totally in luv and devoted 2 ea other.
whew, that was long. sorry, foax!
zeremy, howard, it's a good thing liz got outta town. that patterson allure was getting totally outta hand!
apes
At 1:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
zandra, i'm glad dunc is safe! so we know of @ least 2 guys in mboro who r immune 2 liz's patterson allure: zeremy and arne. i wonder abt otherz. mayB learning abt y they r immune cd sumhow b used 2 cure the otherz?
apes
At 2:13 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
I asked my mother some questions when she got back from the hospital this morning.
"Mom, if this Patterson allure hits all men, with the exception of Arne and Jeremy Jones, how did Dad stay home and watch television all week?"
"Sandra, I'm a doctor, and I'm your mother. You'll have to trust me on this." This sounded pretty lame, and I told her so. "All right. It's just something I came up with in high school to stop my sister from stealing my boyfriends." That still didn't explain how she got Charles Wallace down. I asked her about that. "That's simple: creme de menthe. It's the first line of defense for anything," she said. We both went upstairs then to check on my brother.
Charles Wallace was just waking up.
"I had the strangest dream, and you weren't in it," he said. "Why are there pages of physics calculations all over my bed? And why am I in Bob the Builder pajamas?" He sat up suddenly. "Oh. I think I was about to do something stupid with my stupid teacher. Oh." We left him to panic on his own.
Zandra
At 2:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, weird. so yr mom knows sumthing she doesn't want 2 share. soundz like important info.
bob the builder, eh? ne chance they were an xmas prezzie fr. zeremy?
apes
At 2:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are so young and so confused. You see soon enough. When Elizabeth and Anthony are finally engaged, you will see your sister happier than she has ever been before and it will dispel all your fevered ravings of Anthony loving an imaginary Liz. As you strap on a hideous brides maid dress for Liz’s wedding, you will wonder how you could have ever thought such a thing.
I think I have heard of the unconscious punishment you talked about. Isn’t it where, after the woman knocks the man unconscious with a frying pan or a big bag of frozen peas, the man accidentally breaks something important to the woman as he falls to the floor? I seem to remember dad accidentally breaking one of mom’s favourite potato peelers that way, and I think he called it, “unconscious punishment.” I suppose that could happen with Anthony and Elizabeth too, if she’s not careful where she places her peeler.
As for your opinion that Liz’s constable boyfriend will love the real, present-day Elizabeth for who she is, I think we will find that out shortly when Liz gets to the place where she is traveling in the Northwest. He will come face-to-face with the real, present-day Elizabeth in all her glory. If he can make it past this visit with her helicoptering in one day early and on the arm of her ex-boyfriend, then he might stand a chance with her, but I have a feeling he’s not going to make it. Frankly, if Anthony keeps 19-year-old Elizabeth in his head, he has better chance of being able to tolerate some of Elizabeth’s more eccentric behaviour which she has developed over the years since high school. We have only been in the house for a few days, but it was long enough to see Liz yelling and chasing her cat around the house a few times trying to cuddle it. Plus, the family meeting Liz called to discuss how she didn’t want my children to go into her room while she was there with the door open was a little nutty.
As for me and Deanna, we have a successful marriage, which survived my attic and the whole apartment burning, and even the catty comments of a little sis who thinks I wish I had never re-met Deanna. You think I hate my life. Honestly, little sis. I am about to become a best-selling author, and I am finally living back in my home on Sharon Park Drive, and I have a nice new comfortable bed to sleep in (a lot nicer than that creaky thing I used to sleep on). The microwave works, the plumbing works, the heating works. I don’t have any nasty downstairs neighbours stinking up my apartment with their cigar smoke and incense smells, and pounding on the floor whenever the kids break out the pots and pans. It’s little crowded, but life is pretty good right now.
And Deanna is wonderful. She understands the needs of a writer, even if she doesn’t like it all the time. Do you think Rhetta Blum would have been as understanding? Not a chance. Plus, when my book becomes a best-seller, all that time I had to spend away from my family will pay off. I will be able to quit my Portrait job and spend so much time with Deanna and my children; they will beg me to leave them alone, as they have done sometimes in the past when I spent some time with them. You have to work to get the things in life, which I know is difficult to understand when mom and dad treat you like a princess. When my book becomes a best-seller, it won’t be handed to me on a silver platter. It will be because I worked up in that attic for months on my novel, sacrificing valuable time with my family. I even risked my life to rescue it from the fire. The great Canadian novel does not get written by a man who spends his spare time playing computer games. Besides, that Solitaire game always beats me, so I don’t bother with them.
It seems odd to me that someone, who has been dating her childhood sweetheart for almost 4 years now, would complain about what I tell you about childhood sweethearts. I have been in the house long enough to see you ignore your boyfriend even more than you say I ignore my family. I read your monthly letter. You don’t even kiss him or hold hands at school, but you don’t see him very often because of mom and dad and his parents. When are you going to kiss and hold his hands, if it’s not at school? Let me tell you little sis, when I was in high school, I kissed my girlfriends and held their hands at school.
The worst part is you don’t see the obvious benefit to having Gerald as your childhood sweetheart. Because of this connection, he is loyal to you without the kissing and hand-holding. Any normal high school boy would dump his girlfriend if she did that. Thanks to your sweetheart connection, you can treat your boyfriend terribly, and even openly flirt with his best guy friend (Yes! I saw what you wrote about Duncan Anderson in your last several monthly letters), and he won’t complain a bit.
You’re right; I don’t question the childhood sweetheart aspect of being a Patterson. Because of it, I married Deanna and it keeps our marriage intact. The next time you turn down your boyfriend for some hand-holding, you should try and remember that. Also, when we see what happens to the Lizardbreath in that place where she has gone, I will try to restrain myself from telling you, “I told you so,” even though it will be difficult.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i do not buy pyjamas 4 the little bros of a girl who wuz my tutor. in fact, i wud not buy pyjamas 4 zandra's little bro, even if she were my gf. & b-sides, the bob the builder pyjamaz r not az warm az spongebob squarepants. u wud think a builder wud have pyjamas made of better material, but when i tried them they were....how did i get on this subject?
just in case u don't remembah, i do have problems w/patterson allure, just w/a diffrent patterson than ur sis. thass not rilly an immunity, i don't think. but i kinda doubt zandra's mom kept her dad in line using that. i hope not neway.
At 3:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u r happy 2 b back in mom an' dad's house, sleeping in MY bed. sure, i xxpected that. u alwayz say the official patterson stuff cuz u wanna make sure mom an' dad give u this house, like i sed. u totally were NOT loving yr life back in yr apt.
and u r such a liar 2 say u'll spend time w/dee an' yr kids once the novel is published. when it's published, even if it's a super best seller and u quit portrait, u will make new xxcuses 2 shut yrself off in a room 2 hide from yr fam. prolly a sheilargh sequel.
and u proved again that u don't pay attention 2 most of the posts that happen @ this blog. like, 4 xxample, the post where i wrote abt the meeting @ school w/me, ger, mom, dad, ger's parents, the principal, and ms. prudehart. where mom told abt my punishment:
principal (ignoring dr. f): i wd like 2 know what u as parents intend 2 do abt this situation.
mom: well, obvsly they can't be left alone 2gether!
dad: that's 4 sure! a chastity belt is not fort knox, after all!
mom: no unsupervised time with gerald, until further notice! group outings only, and chaperones unless duncan anderson is along in yr group. he's the only one of yr friends i completely trust!
me: mom!
mom: i m not finished. i m going 2 edit yr january letter. it will say that u and gerald r not the kind of couple who is joined @ the hip or kisses in public, and u will live up 2 what u say in the letter!
gerald: can't we kiss in the hallways @ school if i'm pretending i'm only fixing april's hair 4 her?
mom: NO! and i'm also going to put in sumthing abt how duncan and eva r 2gether and they're such a cute couple.
and no, that's not @ all what i meant by "unconscious punishment." didn't u hafta take ne psych courses, ever, in yr entire life? r u being willfully ignorant again?
i meant that even tho anthony mite not b aware he was doing stuff 2 punish liz, and even tho he mite not knowingly punish her, he mite do it ON AN UNCONSCIOUS LEVEL. no, not when he's unconscious. he'd b fully awake, he just wdn't realize that this was what he was doing.
idiot.
apes
p.s. stop pretending u care abt me or liz. even tho liz an' i disagree abt lots of stuff, one thing we agree abt is that there is only one person u really an' truly care abt. yrself.
At 3:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are quite correct; I did not love my life back in my apartment. For one thing, the Kelpfroths were living beneath us and for another thing, the Kelpfroths were setting fires beneath us. I have no disagreement with you on that point. You trying living over warmongering, pyromaniacs and see how you like it (and no, Canada living north over the States does not count.)
As for your accusations that I will shut myself off in a room to hide from my family after I have my best-seller and I quit Portrait, that’s an interesting projection, and it says more about you than it says about me. I’ve never published a best-selling novel before, so I am sorry you have the most negative viewpoint about how I will act after this happens. I suppose it is the princess aspect of you, dad keeps talking about, coming out.
I see you quoted an old post of yours. I did read it, but it was so long ago, I had forgotten the details of it. Of course I have not seen you in a chastity belt, and I have not seen you go out with Gerald on group outings or chaperoned by Duncan Anderson, so there was some doubt in my mind as to whether or not mom and dad actually went through with all that. I did see mom’s edits to your January monthly letter, but since I have not seen Gerald over at our house since I have been here, it is difficult for me to tell if you do actually kiss him or hold his hands. If you do, then you have my approval. After all, you don’t want your boyfriend to be too miserable with you.
As for psych courses, they were not required for my degree in journalism. If I understand you correctly, you are saying Anthony while he is awake, might be forced to punish Elizabeth because of this mysterious Anthony-like creature which exists on an unconscious level. I think you have been watching too much Doctor Who with Grandpa Jim.
Sorry you don’t believe I care about you and the Lizardbreath. I do care about myself, but I care about both of you too. It’s silly for you think otherwise.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, dunc was away on vacation in barbados, so he cdn't go out w/me an' ger an' a group. mom and dad told me they were 2 bizzy 2 chaperon, and they didn't trust ne1 else 2 chaperon. mom also hasn't allowed me 2 have ger here, cuz she sez w/u and dee and the kids, she doesn't have the time or energy 2 supervise us.
oh, and pls, check out a good psychology textbook from the library, a recent, current psych text, an' friggin' EDUCATE YRSELF. then u will know what i m suggesting is not sumthing outta dr. who. do u WANT 2 b ignorant yr whole life?
btw, speaking of ignorant, paul's parents named him "paul." they didn't name him his last name, u foob. so they didn't choose a name 4 him so ppl wd make puns. idiot.
apes
At 4:38 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Im back but Im grounded 4 life. Or until Dr L gets off duty @ the hospital & talks 2 my mom, whichevah comes 1st. Zed tried 2 tell my mom abt whats going on but my mom didnt believe her.
So we r abt 2 land & all of a sudden I have this overwhelming impulse 2 take yr sister 2 Mtig. I asked my ‘rents if we cld go str8 2 yr house when we got off the plane. My dad just stared @ me, & my mom rolled her eyes & shook her head & said, yr gf’s name is Sandra, not April. I tried 2 xplain that I needed 2 c Liz, not u, but I think I was just making babbling noises. My mom asked me what I took when I was @ the beach.
After we deplaned, I made a run 4 it. My dad cot up w/ me & asked me WTF I was doing, we had 2 w8 4 r luggage & go thru customs. He told me not 2 say a word unless sum1 asked me a q. When we got 2 customs, my dad had his arm around me cos I kept running off 2 the mens room 2 scream sumthing rilly, rilly embarassing that Ill nevah, evah, admit I rilly said. The customs guy thot we looked suspicious, & we got pulled 4 baggage inspection & special questioning. I kept babbling & shaking. My mom gave me stinkeye & told the customs officer that I must of gotten in2 the rum punch @ r farewell party. 3 hrs l8r, they let us go. My mom was freaking on me, & my dad sat in the back seat w/ me on the ride back 2 Mboro. He told me I wld b grounded 1 day evry time I opened my mouth or made a move on the ride home. After he reached 784 days, he gave up counting & told me I was grounded 4 life.
When we got home, Zed was in the driveway. She told my ‘rents 2 lock me up 4 the nite. I think she was going 2 say more, but my mom flipped & told Zed that if she new I was on drugs she shld of told my mom.
Heres the worst part. My ‘rents locked me in the laundry room & I had 2 sleep in a sleeping bag on a yoga mat. They wldnt even let me out 2 use the can.
When I woke up this am, I felt ok again, xcept 4 an overwhelming impulse 2 go 2 the bathroom. I thot abt trying 2 xplain 2 my ‘rents that all I wanted 2 do was 2 take Liz 2 Mtig, but I decided that they wld nevah blieve me & I wld just get in2 more trbl 4 lying. My moms still mad @ Zed & wldnt let her speak 2 me when she called, but my mom 4got abt the ‘puter. Zed & I IMed 4 awhile & she told me all abt the Patterson Allure probs in Mboro. I hope I dont catch it again when Liz gets home. Zed figures that Liz & PC Wright will get engaged while Liz is in Mtig, & then it will be safe 4 males again in Canada. She said sumthing abt creme de menthe being an antidote. I hope I dont need 2 take it, that stuffs nasty.
L8r. Or @ my funeral, whichevah comes 1st.
MCDunC
p.s. Sorry, Apes, u r busted ovah the lamp. My mom saw the lamps during r baggage inspections, plus I nevah got a chance 2 switch the broken 1. My mom switched the lamps w/o saying nething, so I dont think she will tell yr ‘rents. Shes 2 busy being p*ssed w/ me.
p.p.s. I guess its a good thing I 4got what the lamp looked like & bot both, I sort of 4got 2 get Zed a pressie so now I can give her the blue/yellow 1. I hope she likes it.
At 5:12 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
Duncan sent an im about being grounded. I told my mother about what happened.
“Oh dear. I’d better call Miranda,” she said, and went into the kitchen to use the phone. When she came back into the living room, I asked her how she knew to drug my father so early.
“There had been some incidents with the staff, especially the ones who did physio for a Mr. Richards, who is apparently Liz Patterson’s grandfather. I put together a batch of the compound I synthesized in high school and administered it to your father. I didn’t know that the allure would affect your brother, though.”
“Exactly what is the stuff you gave Dad?” I asked.
“It’s a selective pheromone reuptake inhibitor,” my mother said. “It prevents the brain stem from reacting to pheromones. I was doing a chemistry extra credit lab when I found it in high school.” Charles Wallace had to get his weird science abilities from somewhere, I guess.
Duncan should be ungrounded soon. My mother said that she’d be sending over some of the SPRI to Mrs. Anderson to give to Duncan.
Zandra
At 5:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, omg, well, i m glad u r back 2 normal now!
my mom got a call fr. ger's mom. she was all pissed cuz she found that ger an' his bro had, like, beat ea. other senseless fiting over who gets 2 take liz up 2 mtig. mrs. f blamed mom 4 not "reeling in that patterson allure." as if she cd.
apes
At 5:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, zandra! it soundz like yr mom cd make a lot of $ selling that spri stuff in mboro.
i'm glad dunc is gonna get ungrounded. that was way harsh of his 'rents!
apes
At 6:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Excuses. Excuses. "Duncan is on vacation. Mom and Dad are too busy. Mom and Dad don't trust anyone else to chaperone." It doesn't explain why you don't have Gerald over to the house while mom is here. Let me tell you, little sis, if you had asked mom to allow Deanna to chaperone they would have both jumped on it. Mom is anxious to "correct" deficiencies in Deanna's parenting skills (Deanna has not yet mastered discipline through screaming. She does well with hissing, but you know how mom is.) and Deanna is anxious to have an evening off from the kids. If you really wanted to go out with Gerald, you could have confided these little difficulties to me, and between Deanna and me, we would have found a way around mom and dad's restrictions. Believe me when I say Deanna is highly motivated.
As for checking out and reading a psychology textbook, I might consider it if I am inclined to write an article for my weekly column which will put people into a deep and resounding stupor. Most people seem to prefer pop psychology which appears to require virtually no background in psychology whatsoever, and where it is quite common to combine existing psychology terms to make up new terms which only slightly resemble the original word's meaning.
I did read about the antics of your friend Duncan Anderson and his difficulties with attraction to Elizabeth. It pains me to read of his troubles. If only Elizabeth were already engaged to Anthony, he would not have to suffer. Your friend's belief that, if Elizabeth becomes engaged to her constable boyfriend it will end these problems, is sadly incorrect. I am sure you noticed that after all the things Elizabeth has said in the last year about how much she loves the constable, she has done nothing to dissuade Anthony Caine or Warren Blackwood from giving her attention. If Elizabeth were to be engaged to Anthony Caine, then there wouldn't be any men who would find her attractive. This dance between Elizabeth and Anthony has been going on for a long time now, and I hope it is resolved soon, for everyone's sake.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, b4 i even finish reading yr 1st sentence, let alone yr post:
MOM DID NOT LET ME HAVE GERALD HERE WITH HER HERE. I ASKED HER AND SHE SED NO. XXCUSES? EFF U! GO 2 EFFING HECK!
now i'll read the rest of yr post.
apes
At 6:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, i read the rest of yr post. i really don't know y u think u'd b able 2 get mom 2 change her mind abt her rule. i went thru a list of poss xxceptions, including dee, and she sed no 4 every single one.
and what makes u think being w/anthony wd make all the guyz who fall 4 her patterson allure not fall 4 it nemore?
apes
At 7:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Effing heck? Such language, little sis. It will be difficult to maintain your princess status using those kinds of words. Please try to remember, a Patterson expresses disgust using our standard set of symbols: @#$%*&. You make them wiggle in the air, if you are really upset. I don't want you to set a bad example for my children. They need to grow up learning how to curse properly, and not in the crude fashion you just used.
As for my ability to influence mom to change her mind, that certainly would not be the way I would approach it. You were so young when I left the house for university, you do not realize that as far as getting things past mom and dad, you are a rank amateur compared to what I was able to achieve by your same age. Just look through the "Time Travel" section of mom's website, if you don't believe me. Arrange a time with Deanna and Gerald, and I work my magnificent Michael magic on mom. I think you will find it a learning experience.
As for Anthony's effect on Elizabeth's attractiveness, think of it this way: Would you want to eat a cinnamon bun after Anthony had touched it?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm not a princess. dad sez that cuz i'm not happy 2 hafta give up my room. only that's not fair cuz ne1 wd b unhappy abt that, esp. if they had bought all new furniture w/their own $.
neway, as 4 u being able 2 get around mom's rules? ok, u r on. 2morrow evening, 6 o'clock. make it happen, if u r so smart.
anthony an' the cinnamon buns. ew, no. yr saying that gives me a little bit of hope that u mite actually realize how repulsive anthony actually is.
apes
At 8:02 PM,
Anne said…
OMG, those cinnabons probably have moustache hair all over them!! I'm gonna barf. On the positive side, @ least yr bro's kickstarted my diet 4 Valentine's Dance next mo. I wanna fit n2 this dress. It's fun but not too formal, kinda like this one I totally think would work 4 u. It's great 4 yr colouring & modest enuff 4 yr mom & wouldn't make her think u & Ger were gonna kiss or even hold hands that nite...lol.
Not that ne of this matters rite now...Gordie's totally wanting me 2 wear my hair n a dowdy bun & put on a jacket w/fur trim whenever we're out 2gether, 4 sum reason.
Vicks
At 8:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, those dresses r totally cute! that's a gr8 idea 4 us 2 wear 'em 4 the v-day dance. i guess i'd better save up sum $$$, eh?
yeah, i hear a lotta the guyz in mboro r making weird requests like that of their gf's l8ly.
apes
At 8:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
btw, mike, sorry abt robin an' his dinner 2nite. i will xxplain in my entry 2morrow morning.
apes
At 11:08 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG, Apes. I think u r losing it. I was rilly p*ssed off w/ Andy when he p*ssed on my leg so I no how u feel.
Mayb u shld come & live w/ us til Mike, etc., leave. My mom says u can stay in r guest room (queen-size bed, desk, dresser & tv) til they go. I think my mom wld let u take her 'puter in2 the guest room. Think abt it, k?
L8r.
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