April's Real Blog

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

WARREN?

So after I'd put away the blanket and the foto albums that the firefighter had brought 4 Dee, the doorbell rang again. This time, Liz was all, "I'll get it!" I was starting 2 climb the stairs, and my left foot had gotten real tiny and was @ a v. odd angle. But NEway, I was like, "Hey, if it's another fireman, ask him in. That other guy was HOT!! Whoa! A hot fireman!!!-- 2 funny! [only NOT] --Liz! If it's NE hot guy--let him in!"

So Liz answered the door, and guess what? I heard her saying, "WARREN?" And I heard Warren being all, "Whoa! She's still as pretty as ever!" Which, isn't that kinda rude, being all "she" abt the person U R talking 2? And Y were Warren and I both channeling Keanu Reeves and Everett Callahan? Hm?

Well, stay tuned an' find out what happed next. I'd tell U, but Liz sez it's against the Patterson storytelling rules.

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 7:15 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I must respectfully request that you do not yell out about guys being hot, or inviting in guys to the house, just because they are hot. This is for the definition of hot as “sexually attractive” as opposed to hot as “he is feeling warmish.” Aside from it not being the proper behaviour for a Patterson, my children might get the impression that it is alright to yell out loud about people’s appearance or to invite strange people into the house based on their appearance. As you know, the Patterson way to comment about people’s appearance is by using thought balloons, or hushed whispers where the person can’t hear you, or overarching statements about the appearance of humanity in general. I also certainly do not want my children to get any ideas about entertaining people in our home we do not know well. You should socialize with infrequent acquaintances in restaurants or other buildings outside your home. That’s the example mom gives us.

    As for Mr. Warren Blackwood, I would have to say I am not impressed with him. The first and only time I met him was at Liz’s graduation, where he spent most of the time kissing Liz. Considering he is not Liz’s childhood sweetheart, he should stay away from her and not confuse her. Liz is on the verge of accepting Anthony Caine, and she does not need any more men in her life. Our dear sister is simply not capable of making the right decision, when it comes to choosing the men in her life. I am afraid the longer she waits to accept Anthony as her husband, the more men we will have gathering about her waiting for her decision. Her constable boyfriend is supposed to move to Toronto with a job transfer, so we will have him hanging around too. Then her university boyfriend may show up, and that guy with the Mohawk hairstyle she knew in senior secondary, and the firefighter could come back with some other thing he scrounged from our apartment and cleaned. Elizabeth would be like a she-beast in heat, where you have to lock her in the house for her own safety. There will be hot men circling the house saying, “Whoa! She's still as pretty as ever!" or “Look! She wears makeup now!” or “Cool! Her hair is in a bun!” That sort of thing would not be tolerable with my small children in the house. Warren Blackwood definitely has to go.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,
    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings where the guest at your house was Warren, the same helicopter pilot I met back in December, 2005. I remember that trip very well. I thought I was taking your sister to meet my parents at White River, and then she would take the bus to Milborough. We were talking and she told me to pull over so we could kiss. But instead of kissing, she told me this Warren was going to pick her up at White River, so she couldn’t meet my family. It was the worst Christmas of my life. I had been telling my family all about Elizabeth. Then I had to stand there, while my family watched my girlfriend leave with another guy in a helicopter. That was all they talked about, all Christmas long. Ever since then, it has been so hard for my noos (father) and ngashi (mother) and mishomis (grandfather) and nokomis (grandmother) to understand why I am still with your sister.

    Your sister was supposed to visit me at Christmas, which she changed to New Years, and then she changed it to a few days after New Years. And then Warren shows up. I have to trust her again, since that’s the only way my relationship with your sister will work. But I still remember how awful Christmas, 2005 was. I don’t want to have another holiday time as bad as that one. I really hope I don’t get a call from your sister saying, “Sorry, Paul. But Warren came to visit and I can’t come to see you and go to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) as I planned.”

    I talked to Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) about it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). It seems like Elizabeth has a lot of old boyfriends hanging around or visiting her. It doesn’t take very much to figure out what is going on.” I said, “She has very amicable break-ups? She is good at entertaining people she hasn’t seen in a long time?” Chipper sighed and said, “I guess it does take something to figure it out.” I hate it when Chipper doesn’t tell me if I got the answer right to her riddles.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I really hope your story about Warren and Elizabeth isn’t going to lead to Warren cheating on Marjee Mahaha, but that is a possibility considering your sister’s Patterson allure. I know full well the effects it can have on people, who otherwise would not find your sister the slightest bit attractive. Of course Marjee had an open relationship with her ex-boyfriend Maynard in the past, so maybe that’s part of her arrangement with Warren. That’s still very dangerous, where your sister is involved.

    Plus, you have to consider Warren's unusual words, which are a pretty good indication he is not in his right mind. To be in front of your sister and refer to her as "she" is not only rude, but it is the kind of thing someone who has been talking to himself out loud might say. Not that I would know anyone who has done that, of course. He stopped doing that once he got out of his therapy sessions.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u seem kinda stirred up ‘bout hot guys & wantin’ 2 invite them in ur house. is there sum problem w/gerald? or iz b-ing ‘round ur bro all the tyme startin’ 2 mess w/ur idea of wut men r like? or iz it sum kinda animal need?

    i know b-ing ‘round me all during the holidayz iz startin’ 2 mess w/my future sis’ head. she started talkin’ ‘bout sum 40-year-old guy lookin’ hot, & my mom sed, “he’z my age. mebbe u shud go 2 the mall or sumthin’ 2c guyz who r not prematurely aged like jeremy.” that wuz a real confidence booster 4 me.

    it's freaky the way ur sis can attract guys. if i come ovah 2 ur house 2c ur sis, please slap me till i snap outa it.

     

  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Apes, keep that d00d away from the beds!

    Did he & Marjee wash my 'rents sheets yet or do the sheets need 2 have an accident when I get home?

    L8r.

    p.s. Was the lamp blue w/ yellow shells or pink w/ green shells?

     

  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am so confused. I mean really confused this time, even more than that time I went over to visit Mike that weekend he said Dee was taking the kids to see her parents and when I knocked on the door, Mike answered it wearing a cocktail dress and rouge and cried out, "Josef my love, you've come for me!" before he realized it was me and slammed the door in my face, which was a bummer, because I could have used a glass of wine, I think I'm going to go get a glass of wine right now too, it might make my head stop hurting, I'm so confused.

    Thank God for teacher planning periods and for that wine that comes in a little box you can get at Target, that way the kids don't hear the bottle rolling around in there.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Please ignore the ravings of the Lizardbreath. Sometimes she imagines things when she has a little bit too much to drink. Trust me when I say I would never mistake Elizabeth for Josef Weeder. They don’t look anything alike, and Josef has much better breath. I can usually smell Elizabeth coming, particularly when she has had something to drink.

    With the arrival of Warren Blackwood, I can’t say I am surprised that inebriation is her answer. I think we all remember what happened in December, 2005 after she had her last encounter with Warren. Her antics over New Year’s Eve amazed everyone who knew her, and it certainly required quite a bit of effort on mom’s part to hush it up.

    One way to tell when Elizabeth is remembering an alcohol-inspired memory is when she mentions things which do not make any sense. For example, she talks about wine that comes in a little box you can get at Target when, as you know, the Target stores exist in the United States and not Canada. I remember seeing them the last time I went to the States, which I think was back on my honeymoon in 2002. The Target store is kind of like Zellers, except they apparently can sell wine in boxes.

    I can only hope with all of us living in the house, Liz will not make a drunken display in front of my children, although when she visited me at my apartment back in September, that was not the case.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Duncan,

    April may not remember the answer to your question, but I do. The lamp which Eva Abuya broke was pink with green shells. If you want to get rid of it, you could always give it to Michael Patterson and tell him there is a story behind it. Michael loves writing stories about broken lamps. I remember the last story he wrote about Lovey Saltzman’s broken brass lamp for his column in the Clarion Weekly last September. You could say it was the only lamp your father could bring with him when he came to Canada from Barbados. Then if it gets enough publicity from his article, you might be able to find a buyer who would pay you money for that piece of junk.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i hadta lol when u threw the box of kraft dinner @ mike's head an' told him 2 stop ganging up w/mom abt anthony, cuz u hafta make yr own decisions and mike's not helping.

    zeremy, i dunno what it is. i didn't have a fite w/ger or nething, but i think my 'rents keeping me away from him so much is messing w/my head when it comes 2 guys.

    paul, i can't blame u 4 feeling that way!

    dunc, don't worry, marjee took care of washing the sheets and remade the bed. the lamp was the pink w/green shells. the one u sed was like "preppy meets the islands."

    mike, don't tell me what 2 do. esp. when u r using my room.

    apes

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I must say Warren has been acting odd for the past couple of days. We had that great New Year's Eve, but the next day, he got this weird, faraway look in his eye and told me he needed to do some thinking. When I asked him what he needed to think about, he said, "She wants to know what I need to think about." Then he wandered off.

    Since then, whenever I've tried to call him, I've gotten voicemail. And he hasn't returned my calls. I don't really know what to think!

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mik, yo uar soo dum, I menat th etArgett liqwer sores chane, thay havve exscellleingt boxxy wyne. An' I brusshh evirey day, tow or thrrie tims.

    Liz

     

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, April, I couldn't help noticing that your mom's website has me in your "Friends and Influences" area. I'm even listed first! And it's not alphabetical order. I guess your mother thinks we're the bestest of best friends, eh?

    So, why hasn't Paul been added to yr sis's "Friends and Influences"?

    Eva

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    marjee, that does sound weird!

    eva, u know, i asked my mom y she didn't have steph add paul 2 lizzie's friends and influences. and she sed sumthing like, "well, u'll notice that eric chamberlain and warren blackwood are not listed in that area, either." and i sed, "but anthony's there. and he's an ex, just like eric and warren. by yr logic, u shd take out anthony and put in paul, since paul is liz's 'current love,' as she puts it." mom just stuck her fingers in her ears and went, "laaaa laaaa laaaa laaaa." i guess i know where liz got that.

    apes

     

  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    Your description of what happened to Warren sounds like the effects of the Patterson allure to me. Your only saving grace is that no matter how much Warren may degrade himself in front of Elizabeth Patterson, no one will blame him for it.

    Becky caught me in a similar kind of daze this afternoon and quickly remedied the problem with a swift frying pan to the head. One of these days, I am going to have to figure out how she conceals those on her body.

    I have a few knots on my head, but at least I am still at home and not at Liz's house worshipping her perfect lips and perfect eyes and her perfectly shaped bun. She’s so pretty. I think she’s prettier than she was the day I attacked herrrrrr

     

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, it soundz like liz's powers r getting stronger! think abt burly men singing opera, quick!

    apes

     

  • At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i saw eva wuz graduated 2 friends & influences. i guess thass a place i'll nevah b, not that it matters or nethin'.

     

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
    I sleep all night and I work all day.

    I used to work with Elizabeth all day. Those were good times. She had that special way she smiled whenever you asked her why she was driving the heavy equipment without an operator's licence. She was so beautifulllllll

     

  • At 8:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hot men, howard! focus! hot, hot men! and liz having v. v. bad breath! hot men w/v. v. sweet breath. and oiled pecs!

    apes

     

  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
    It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.

    They have everything for young men to enjoy,
    You can hang out with all the boys ...

    It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
    It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.

    You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal,

    You know Elizabeth had a difficult time with personal cleanliness. She has breath that could strip the bark off trees, and I remember once her using it as a paint stripper. But I think it is because she never had a man who could properly clean for her. She so pretty when she doesn't properly aerate the pores in her skin. She could be so much more with a proper manicurrrrrrrrrrr

     

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