Iris an' Gramps
Sorry it's taking me so long 2 get this post up. I was having 'puter trubs. Bleah. Hey, Zeremy, thanx 4 buying me thoze cube clothes @ Hot Topic!
Dunc, sorry, I didn't mean 2 ignore U an' yr dream post. What happed was that yr post went up when I was answering Mike an' I didn't even realize it was there till I was catching up on the nite posts this morning and U sed sumthing abt it in a l8r post. So then I went back and looked. Don't feel bad, I have weird dreamz abt U sumtymez 2. I can't say more, or Ger mite get upset.
NEway, Iris called us this morning and Mom put her on speaker fone.
Iris: Good morning, all!
Mom: Morning, Iris. Hi, Dad!
Iris: He's waving.
Me: Good morning!
Dad: Where's my train catalog?
Mom: Say "Hello" to Iris and my Dad, John!
Dad: Oh, hello, how's your new "lifestyle"?
Mom: Please shut up about that, John, don't make me throw frozen peas @ yr head!
Dad: Sorry. (Ducks away)
Iris: Please pass on our hellos to Michael, Deanna, and the little ones!
Mike: Oh, hi there, Iris! I 4got who U were 4 a second!
Iris: Hello, Michael!
Dee: Oh, hello, Iris, I guess I wasn't "listening" there for a moment. Pre-occupied with the kids. They are v. clingy l8ly, what w/the trauma they've been thru watching their home burn up and their father run back in 2 save his manuscript and laptop.
Iris: Yes, about that. . . .
Mike: U don't have 2 tell me what a hero I was, saving that novel 4 the good of Canada.
Iris: Oh, good, so I won't.
Merrie: Gweat-gwampa Jim? Step-gweat-gwamma Iwis?
Iris: Hi, sweetie! Yr great gramps is waving @ U. And how is yr little brother?
Merrie: He's waving, 2. He doesn't know U can't C him.
Iris: Awwww! NEway, the reason I'm calling is that Jim and I wanted 2 share how happy we R 2 have made it thru yet another yr 2gether! We just think it's AMAZING!
Mom: Yes, amazing!
Liz: Oh, hi, what's going on here? I heard the word "amazing." Usually when I hear that, ppl R talking abt me.
Mom: It's yr gramps and Iris. Iris was just saying how amazing it is that they've made it thru another yr 2gether.
Liz: I guess. But it's not like they've d8ed a helicopter pilot. I'm hungry. I need a hearty breakfast so I won't get depressed.
Mom: Well, U know where everything is, go @ it.
Liz: OK, Mommy.
Iris: So, I helped Jim up out of bed this morning, helped him on w/his robe, and got him 2 his walker. Then we went over 2 his favourite chair. Moving him away from the walker, I wrapped my arms arund him he wrapped his around me, and I sed, "Let me help U 2 sit down, Jim. Just the way they taut us." I was helping him in2 his chair, and I sed, "This is like dancing, isn't it." And that wasn't a question, young Pattersons, it was a st8ment! Then I went on, "The 2 of us moving 2gether as one... Do U know that 2nite is New Year's Eve? ...We've made it thru another yr, U and I." Jim smiled and moved his hands in a way that xxpressed "dancing." I sed, "Alrite..." I helped him out of his chair, wrapped my armz around him, and sed, "...Let's dance."
Mom (choking up): That's so touching!
Iris: Isn't it, tho? So, Jim and I have plans 2nite 4 New Year's Eve. We R going 2 a luvly party that's hosted by April's friend, that nice Jones boy!
Mike: Nice! That boy is not nice! He's a deliquent!
Mom: Michael Patterson, don't U say that! He's been reformed via April's Patterson influence, like yr effect on Gordon and Liz's effect on Candace!
Liz: Candace? Did Candace call?
Mom: No, Liz, I was using her name in an xxample. Put yr face back in yr breakfast if U can't follow along!
Liz: Hmph!
Iris: Well, as nice as this is, I have 2 go now. I, um, need 2 help Jim. Er, 2 help him scratch his back. Yes, of course, that's it! Well, goodbye, all!
Mom: Goodbye!
Me: Bye!
Dee: Bye, now!
Mike: Ta-ta, for now!
Liz: What?
Merrie: Bye-bye! Robin's waving!
Dad: Trains!
Telephone: Click! (Dial tone)
NEway, that's how this morning went. So, for NYE, sum of us R still planning on getting 2gether 4 a low-key nite @ Dunc's house (while Dunc is away). It's gonna B me, Vicki, Gordie, Eva, and MayB Becky and Howard. They weren't sure last time I spoke w/them. Def not Ger, tho, since neither Mom nor Dad will B there 2 chaperon an' Dunc is away. Zeremy and his future sis will B @ the odefoax NYE party, since Zeremy is DJ-ing.
Apes
Dunc, sorry, I didn't mean 2 ignore U an' yr dream post. What happed was that yr post went up when I was answering Mike an' I didn't even realize it was there till I was catching up on the nite posts this morning and U sed sumthing abt it in a l8r post. So then I went back and looked. Don't feel bad, I have weird dreamz abt U sumtymez 2. I can't say more, or Ger mite get upset.
NEway, Iris called us this morning and Mom put her on speaker fone.
Iris: Good morning, all!
Mom: Morning, Iris. Hi, Dad!
Iris: He's waving.
Me: Good morning!
Dad: Where's my train catalog?
Mom: Say "Hello" to Iris and my Dad, John!
Dad: Oh, hello, how's your new "lifestyle"?
Mom: Please shut up about that, John, don't make me throw frozen peas @ yr head!
Dad: Sorry. (Ducks away)
Iris: Please pass on our hellos to Michael, Deanna, and the little ones!
Mike: Oh, hi there, Iris! I 4got who U were 4 a second!
Iris: Hello, Michael!
Dee: Oh, hello, Iris, I guess I wasn't "listening" there for a moment. Pre-occupied with the kids. They are v. clingy l8ly, what w/the trauma they've been thru watching their home burn up and their father run back in 2 save his manuscript and laptop.
Iris: Yes, about that. . . .
Mike: U don't have 2 tell me what a hero I was, saving that novel 4 the good of Canada.
Iris: Oh, good, so I won't.
Merrie: Gweat-gwampa Jim? Step-gweat-gwamma Iwis?
Iris: Hi, sweetie! Yr great gramps is waving @ U. And how is yr little brother?
Merrie: He's waving, 2. He doesn't know U can't C him.
Iris: Awwww! NEway, the reason I'm calling is that Jim and I wanted 2 share how happy we R 2 have made it thru yet another yr 2gether! We just think it's AMAZING!
Mom: Yes, amazing!
Liz: Oh, hi, what's going on here? I heard the word "amazing." Usually when I hear that, ppl R talking abt me.
Mom: It's yr gramps and Iris. Iris was just saying how amazing it is that they've made it thru another yr 2gether.
Liz: I guess. But it's not like they've d8ed a helicopter pilot. I'm hungry. I need a hearty breakfast so I won't get depressed.
Mom: Well, U know where everything is, go @ it.
Liz: OK, Mommy.
Iris: So, I helped Jim up out of bed this morning, helped him on w/his robe, and got him 2 his walker. Then we went over 2 his favourite chair. Moving him away from the walker, I wrapped my arms arund him he wrapped his around me, and I sed, "Let me help U 2 sit down, Jim. Just the way they taut us." I was helping him in2 his chair, and I sed, "This is like dancing, isn't it." And that wasn't a question, young Pattersons, it was a st8ment! Then I went on, "The 2 of us moving 2gether as one... Do U know that 2nite is New Year's Eve? ...We've made it thru another yr, U and I." Jim smiled and moved his hands in a way that xxpressed "dancing." I sed, "Alrite..." I helped him out of his chair, wrapped my armz around him, and sed, "...Let's dance."
Mom (choking up): That's so touching!
Iris: Isn't it, tho? So, Jim and I have plans 2nite 4 New Year's Eve. We R going 2 a luvly party that's hosted by April's friend, that nice Jones boy!
Mike: Nice! That boy is not nice! He's a deliquent!
Mom: Michael Patterson, don't U say that! He's been reformed via April's Patterson influence, like yr effect on Gordon and Liz's effect on Candace!
Liz: Candace? Did Candace call?
Mom: No, Liz, I was using her name in an xxample. Put yr face back in yr breakfast if U can't follow along!
Liz: Hmph!
Iris: Well, as nice as this is, I have 2 go now. I, um, need 2 help Jim. Er, 2 help him scratch his back. Yes, of course, that's it! Well, goodbye, all!
Mom: Goodbye!
Me: Bye!
Dee: Bye, now!
Mike: Ta-ta, for now!
Liz: What?
Merrie: Bye-bye! Robin's waving!
Dad: Trains!
Telephone: Click! (Dial tone)
NEway, that's how this morning went. So, for NYE, sum of us R still planning on getting 2gether 4 a low-key nite @ Dunc's house (while Dunc is away). It's gonna B me, Vicki, Gordie, Eva, and MayB Becky and Howard. They weren't sure last time I spoke w/them. Def not Ger, tho, since neither Mom nor Dad will B there 2 chaperon an' Dunc is away. Zeremy and his future sis will B @ the odefoax NYE party, since Zeremy is DJ-ing.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:56 AM
20 Comments:
At 11:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings where you talked about your breakfast, where you and your whole family, including my sweet girl, were listening to your nokomis (grandmother) talking about dancing with your mishomis (grandfather). In my people, the dancing demonstrations for pow-wow, like grass dancing, or jingle dancing is the most popular; but those dances are group dances where the dancers don’t touch. Your sister tells me your mishomis (grandfather) likes the dancing where the man and woman touch. When your sister was living in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I showed her my version of that where the man lifts the woman by her nindiyaash (buttocks). That is my favourite way to dance. When I was younger on the pow-wow trail with Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper), we danced that way so often, it is also way we greet each other. You have to have a strong back to do it, so I don’t think your mishomis (grandfather) or your nokomis (grandmother) should try it.
I will be on duty for New Years Eve, like most of the Ontario Provincial Police. New Years Eve is a time for dancing and celebration. It is also a time for drunk driving. And remember, last May, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled Canadians are not responsible for making sure their house guests don't drive away drunk. My sweet girl said she did not agree with that ruling. Maybe you can take her to your New Years Eve party, to keep an eye on her. I would hate for something to happen to her so I couldn’t meet her in Spruce Narrows after New Years. The people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) told me the first year she was teaching, she came back from Milborough after New Years with a dislocated knee, she got from walking away from a New Years Eve party. Miigwetch (Thank you) if you could do that.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:40 AM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i asked liz 2 join me an' my friends 4 nye, but she rolled her eyez and sed she wasn't interested in our "kid stuff." she sez she's got "grown-up planz."
apes
At 2:09 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Im abt 2 start my 12 hr NYE gig @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. Mayb Ill post during breaks if my groupies will let me.
I 4got Zed was in Ottawa, I kept trying 2 call her in Mboro, shes prolly rilly pissed @ me. Ill shop @ that new store 4 sumthing 4 her when I get back & buy her a makeup pressie. I think thats the same store that Zed & Enid used 2 go 2 @ the Walden Galleria in Buffalo all the time b4 it started taking 6 hrs 2 cross the border.
L8r.
p.s. I had 2 listen 2 my 'rents @ r boring family dinner last nite. My dad thinks its clevah 4 Mike 2 b pretending that he doesnt get ne housing allowance fr his insurance co, & my mom thinks yr grandpa is lucky that Iris is only 50 yo cos if she was 86 yo like yr grandpa she cldnt take care of him, but she shldnt b dancing w/ him neway cos he cld lose his balance 2 ez.
At 3:04 PM,
howard said…
April,
I believe Becky and I are planning to be at your party. I don't know how much of a festive mood I will be in, since my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville are still in hospital recovering from the burns they got a little over a week ago, and I still have the threat of prison time hanging over my head from the trial. However, Becky tells me I need cheering up, and the hospital staff seems to agree with her.
Please tell your friend Duncan that Iris is not 50 years old, but 80 years old. At least that's the number of candles I put on her birthday cake this year. However, I agree she is putting them both at risk doing the dancing with them both standing up. If she loses her balance then they both go to the floor and will break something. I wish I could be over there to help them more often, but I feel the need to spend as much time with my uncle and aunt as I can. They are doing better, but they are not completely out of the danger zone yet.
I called Iris and said if they went to a party tonight, Jim should stay in a chair and they could swing arms or something less taxing and dangerous. Iris said she had accidentally snuck her knee in your grandfather's crotch when she was putting him in the chair, so she felt he deserved a little standing up dancing to make up for it. However, she agreed to play it safer tonight.
See you tonight. I'll make a little food or something for the party. Becky says that cooking is a good way to keep my mind off my troubles. Becky also says I owe her some Christmas pies, since my aunt and uncle's fire took me away from my usual Christmas baking. I can't believe Becky and I have had a whole year together without my going to prison, thanks to the slow Ontario justice system.
Howard Bunt
At 3:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i'm glad ur step-grandmother & mom don't think i am a delinquent, like ur bro duz. if the new years eve party w/the old peeps closes up early, i mite go visit urs. my mom sez not 2 count on it. she sez most nites old peeps go to bed @7 pm, but on new years they go l8.
my future sis is not lookin' 4ward 2 the gig, cuz there won't b ne1 there her age 4 her 2 talk 2. howevah this is gonna b a gig w/a lotta requests & i need sum1 2 help sort thru them & the pay iz v.v. good. old peeps alwayz know sum obscure song frum 1900 like in the good old summer time or like that they wanna hear, which i alwayz think is a little odd, cuz thoze songs were popular b4 they were born. i guess it's kinda like u & me wantin' 2 hear 1980s rock. thass how it will be wen we r in the old folks home. we'll b @sum dance askin' 2 hear stairway 2 heaven, which i guess will have a whole diffrent meanin' 2 us, wen we are in our 80s.
At 4:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Despite mom's protestations, I for one, am glad you are not spending New Years Eve with Jeremy Jones. Aside from being a delinquent, he also qualifies as a childhood sweetheart, and if you cannot be with your boyfriend Gerald on the sacred night of Patterson romance, then it is dangerous for you to be near any other childhood sweetheart qualifiers, like Duncan Anderson or Jeremy Jones. Mom has noticed that at the beginning of each month, your monthly letters seem to shower Duncan Anderson with more compliments than you give your boyfriend Gerald, and you haven't made a personal insult of Jeremy Jones' appearance in some months. I try to remind mom, that by the time I was your age, I had been romantically involved with at least 4 women (Deanna, Rhetta, Martha and Tracey), but she said, "Mike. That's because you're a boy. Liz only had one boyfriend in high school, and so will April. As Liz converted Candace to goodness, so April will convert Jeremy. As Liz only dated Anthony, so April will only date Gerald." I had to admit she was right. It's good you are not going to be anywhere near Jeremy tonight. If you have more than one boyfriend in high school, it would confuse matters.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, ger's got nuthing 2 worry abt, even if i do hang w/zeremy and/or dunc. tho i'm bummed i don't get 2 c ger. ger's spending nye @ sum viking party w/becky's dad and becky's dad's biker friends.
howard, i'm glad u an' becks r gonna b able 2 hang w/us, and it's so cube that u r baking! yum!
dunc, yr gig soundz soooo cube!
apes
At 6:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are old enough to realize that for Pattersons, New Years Eve is a day of romance. You may think that Gerald has nothing to worry about, but the Patterson romantic instinct is not to be denied and denying it can be a terrible thing. I am sure by this time, you have heard all the things our darling sister Elizabeth did during last years New Years Eve, a year in which she tried to stay away from Anthony Caine for New Years after having just broken up with her university sweetheart before Christmas. She had spent every New Years Eve with Anthony for last 4 successive years, even though he was married, and it was pretty stupid of her to think she was going to be able to do it, even though he had a baby. Mom had to call in a lot of favours to get it hushed up, but you must have heard some of the things she did by now. You can't have your head completely in the sand, although mom thinks your head is too fully entrenched in your own worries to notice anything around you.
You are almost 16 years old, so the instincts may be kicking up with you too. It's good you won't be anywhere near Jeremy Jones or Duncan Anderson. Mom may be trying to delay it with Gerald as well as she can, by preventing you from being together. She tries her best, but she should remember how it was with her and dad. As for me, I expect to wake up tomorrow and hear stories about how you were found at some viking biker party at 5 in the morning.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, so far we are having fun @ our mellow nye gathering @ dunc's house. howard brought yummy food, we're listening 2 sum cube cd's, and every1's just kinda chilling.
oh, and marjee and warren r here, 2. they arrived w/howard and becky. and there r eva, vicki, and gordie, 2.
apes
apes
At 8:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, the old folks' party started a couple of hours ago. i have alreddy played thru bobby curtola's greatest hits volumes 1 - 4, mostly by request. ur step-grandmother & grandpa Jim showed up 'bout an hour ago. she came ovah & introduced herself 2 my future sis by sayin', "is this ur gf, jeremy?" i told her all 'bout how she'z my future sis wen my future dad marries my mom. then she sed, "so u don't have a gf, jeremy?" i sed, "no. the last couple of gf's left me scarred, so i wuz not rilly innerested nemore."
then ur step-grandmother went off, "ic the same thing all the tyme. the youngah generation duz not know how 2 properly treat their men. u take me & jim. i am completely devoted & i wuz the moment i agreed 2 marry. no matter wut may happ 2 him, he knows i will b by his side 4evah 2 the end." my future sis started 2 choke up a little. ur step-grandmother sed, "thass the secret 2 a happy marriage. jim may complain i monitor his diet a little 2 closely, or he may wanna look @youngah women, but evah since the stroke there's been none of that, & i don't mean just cuz he can barely talk or walk. those youngah women don't have the strength of character 2 do wut i do every day. if u wanna get a decent gf or evn a wife, jeremy, thass the kinda woman u want 4 a wife."
i sed, "u mean sum1 like elly patterson iz 2 dr. patterson?" ur step-grandmother sed, "heavens, no. i usedta think elly wuz made of stronger stuff, but seeing the way she iz 'round jim aftah his stroke, i can c her clearly now. she comes by once a week w/food frum the empire hotel, which she tries 2 pass off as coming frum her, but the empire hotel is marked right on the box, so i know it's frum that nice annie nichols, &evn shredded & pulped up so jim can eat it. elly comez by w/the food, drops off sum book on cd & then leaves. one hour once a week is it, & thass all frum jim's own daughter who's retired & lives in town. shoot, my daughter lives in barrie & she sees us almost as often as elly, who's rite in town."
i sed, "so ur thinkin' mebbe like deanna iz 2 mike az an xxample?" ur step-grandmother sed, "deanna is a good mom, but a so-so wife. i heard all 'bout the fire story where she wuz more concerned 'bout the firefighters rescuing her photo albums of her kids & her kid's favrite blanket than the firefighters rescuin' her husband. thass been the way she'z been since the beginnin' of their marriage. her kids r her number 1 priority." i sed, "u mean the birth control thing." ur step-grandmother sed, "thass rite." my future sis sed, "wut?"
i sed, "she's a pharmacist. she got pregnant on the honeymoon cuz she decided 2 switch birth control rite 'bout then." my future sis sed, "i've seen it b4. husband duzn't wunt kids. wife duz. like ur mom & dad." i sed, "yeah! like my mom & dad. hey! no! not like my mom & dad." my future sis sed, "ur mom got pregnant w/u & ur dad didn't wanna stop tourin' 2 have a kid, so he left. isn't that rite?" i sed, "but my mom didn't mix up her birth control. she just got pregnant cuz....well, it wuzn't mixin' up birth control." once again i got this feeling like ur nephew & niece's lives r a lot like mine. thass been happening a lot l8ly. so i changed the subject.
i sed, "so who do u think wud b a good gf 4 me, mrs. richards?" ur step-grandmother sed, "i dunno, jeremy. i don't rilly know many of the kids in mboro. i think mae thomas has a list of all the teenagers she's maced. i can ask her. if she duzn't know anyone, i'll ask 'round & c if there r any peeps here who have a granddaughter they wud like 2c d8ing a 15-year-old boy who looks like he's 40 & i'll let u know." i sed, "thanx." then she went off 2 dance. my future sis sed, "they sure r hung up on every1 b-ing paired off in this town." i sed, "thass 4 sure."
i'll let u know if nething more inneresting happs.
At 9:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, i think mae thomas has maced so many teenagers, her list is almost just a list of mboro teens, period. that lady is crayzee!
apes
At 9:28 PM,
howard said…
To Whom it May Concern,
I'm at Duncan Anderson's house with a bunch of teenagers. I am mainly cooking now. I think I forgot how much and how quickly teenagers eat. Teenage girls are very skinny, but their metabolisms are very active, so you have this illusion they eat like birds. But if you had seen the way they devoured my chocolate chocolate cake, and my fudgie squares, you would have been shocked. Fortunately, I was prepared to make more, and that's what I am doing.
April said it was going to be a mellow New Years Eve, so I honestly don't know why she invited this bunch. The boy in the beret and sunglasses, Gordon Duroccher, I think is his name. There is probably not one inch in the house which he has not ridden on his skateboard. His girlfriend I know from knowing Marjee Mahaha, is her other half-sister, aside from Becky. Her name is Vicki Simone and she has no control over her boyfriend at all. April wasn't able to stop him either, but that girl Eva Abuya grabbed a lamp and knocked him off his board. He's been in a pretty bad mood every since and I get the feeling he and Vicki may leave soon, after I finish my next batch of cookies. I am not sure how April is going to explain the broken lamp.
April's new best girlfriend Eva, came to the party unattached, like April did, and I can tell she is irritated by the lack of single available men, and she is also irritated by the fact Becky is here. Becky and Eva do not like each other. I think it is because they are too similar to each other. They both sing and they both live in very large houses and they both have a lot of personal freedom. In her usual Becky fashion, she has been showing off that I am her fiance to Eva every chance she gets. Eva has been looking around Duncan's house for something, and I am not sure what it is. I asked April about it and she said maybe it had something to do with the fact Eva likes Duncan, but Duncan already has a girlfriend, and this is Duncan's house. Then April went on some tangent about how wonderful Duncan was, and then she apologized saying that's just the way she gets at the beginning of the month. I asked Becky about it, and all she would say, "Patterson woman on New Years without a boyfriend around. It's a bad situation." Then she told me what happened with April's sister Elizabeth last New Years Eve. Well, all I can say, is I hope April doesn't do that, but she is acting a little oddly. I'll have to keep an eye on her.
As for Marjee Mahaha and her new fiance Warren Blackwood, we had a very strange conversation early into the evening, where she had me show Warren some of my "techniques". Well, not show, really, but demonstrate with my fingers, like finger puppets. Then they disappeared. I'd like to say I didn't know what they are doing, but since I did give them the finger puppet demonstration, I have a pretty good idea what they are doing. I am just not sure why they would do it here, in someone else's house.
Another fellow arrived I don't know named Luis, who plays in April's band. He brought his girlfriend, a tall and very skinny Latina girl, whose name I don't know. He's the first mellow one I have seen tonight, and he brought a lot of Salsa dance mix tapes. The music is danceable, even though the musicians play a little out-of-tune for my tastes. Well, I better stop now. The cookies are almost done.
Howard Bunt
At 9:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i think ur rite 'bout that mae thomas woman. aftah ur step-grandmother left she went 2 talk 2 sum old lady & i cud hear her ovah the crowd. "TEENAGER? HERE?" then she headed ovah 2 me w/a can of mace, but she wuz headed rite 4 my future sis. i knocked the can of mace outa her hand & she sed, "outa my way old man. i gotta a teenager 2 mace." i sed, "thass my future sis. pick up that can of mace & i break ur arm." then she sed, "protectin' ur teenaged sister, eh? she musta been an oops baby w/ur diffrence in age. i like a man who stands up 4 a woman. mebbe u cud come up & visit w/my husband frank sumtyme. we cud always use a strong man."
i tried not 2 vomit & i sed, "no thanx. do u have ne song requests?" she sed, "do u have ne stephen foster? he & i had an affair years ago b4 i met frank. there's nothin' like sweet lovin' w/stephen foster musick in the background." i sed, "genie w/the lite brown hair? oh susanna? beautiful dreamer? swanee?" she sed, "play az much az u have. it gets frank in the mood." my future sis sed, "old peeps r rilly weird in mboro." i put on nelson eddy sings the stephen foster songbook & all the old women started dirty-dancin' w/the old men. my future sis sed, "omg. omg. i gotta go 2 the washroom." i think it's gonna b long tyme b4 she comes back.
At 11:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my sister finally came outa the washroom when sum old ladies got in there & started fightin’ over their dentures. ur step-grandmother came ovah 2 me w/sum unusual song requests. she sed, “jeremy. jim loves 2 sing., but his vocabulary is still limited 2 "yes", "no" & "good". but 4 him, if he lissens 2 a song, he can sumtymes string a few words of a song 2gether. do u have ne songs w/the words 2 "yes", "no" & "good" in them?
i sed, “i do, mrs. richards, but i dunno if they r songs he will like. duz mr. richards like music by the beatles or chuck berry?” she sed, “i dunno ‘bout chuck berry, but april gave her grandpa sum musick by the beatles & they’re no bobby curtola, but they r tolerable. i sed, “well, the beatles’ songs hello, goodbye & good morning, good morning use the word “good”, “yes” & “no” a lot. & chuck berry haz a song johnny b. goode, where he says “good” a lot. ur step-grandmother sed, “thass soundz xxcellent, jeremy. play thoze please.” so it did & i gotta say, there wuz a long section in these songs ur grandpa cud sing. ‘course now my future sis & i r tryin’ 2 wrack our brainz for othah songs with “yes”, “no”, & “good” in them. ne suggestions?
At 11:45 PM,
howard said…
To Whom it May Concern,
Still at Duncan Anderson's house with a bunch of teenagers and waiting for the countdown to midnight. I have to say April is acting a little oddly. She said to me, “Howard. I have this vision about answering a door and a fireman is there to return a blanket and photo albums that Deanna dropped on the fire escape. Do firemen do that?” I said, “In a vision, anything can happen.” She said, “Maybe it’s a prediction of the future.”
I asked Becky about it and she said, “The story goes about Elizabeth last year, this was the way it started. She started talking about having images of her getting married to Anthony Caine in the future. And then she started drinking and looking at a picture of Warren Blackwood. Where is Warren?” I said, “You don’t want to know.” Becky said, “Oh my God. He’s with my slutty stepsister Marjee, isn’t he?” I said, “I suppose so. I have seen them since 8 o’clock.” Then Becky said, “Well, I guess they are engaged, so it’s no big deal. April can just pretend Duncan’s cats made whatever mess they make. And don’t forget, fiancé duty at midnight. And don’t tell April, but dad’s bringing Gerald over just before midnight, so he can do his boyfriend duty. And the best part is that Eva doesn’t have a guy unless she wants to kiss dad.” I said, “You and Eva have a hate thing going on.” Becky said, “If you heard the things she said about me in school, Howie, you would have a hate thing going on too.” I said, “What did she say?” Becky said, “This is going to sound sooo childish, but this what she said: I’d like to weigh her head. and She’s just using you, April. Seriously --- why does she even come to this school? Why would she wanna hang with mortals?! ” So, I told Becky I would give her some kisses at midnight guaranteed to make every girl in there jealous, because that’s what New Years is all about, having someone with you who is a good kisser.
And to let you know, Luis Guzmán’s girlfriend’s name is Alto Escurrido. She seems to be very proud she is skinny and tall. Luis said something about her being Latina and not a musician, which seemed to be important to him. Relationships among Milborough teenagers mystify me.
Howard Bunt
At 12:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, my future sis sed she is definitely cuttin’ out just b4 midnight, cuz she duzn’t wanna c old peeps kiss. i told her it can b rilly funny if their dentures lock 2gethah. my future sis duzn’t think it will be that funny. we sumtymez don’t have the same kinda sense of humour. i hadda request 4 the scottish version of auld lang syne w/all 5 verses. these old peeps r so smashed, i think they’ll appreci8 the chance 2 sing the chorus 5 tymes.
here we go:
10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – happy new year!
At 12:00 AM,
howard said…
To Whom It May Concern,
Becky’s Dad Thorvald McGuire arrived with Gerald in full Viking gear. April looks relieved and frankly, a lot more mentally balanced than she did a few minutes ago. Of course, it created an awkward moment when Thorvald walked over to me to indicate he was expecting a midnight kiss, and Becky had to do the “But he’s my fiancé, dad” bit. Thorvald seems a little disappointed, so maybe later.
It’s time: 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – Happy New Year!
At 3:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, they r still goin’ strong here @the old peeps place. no kiss @midnight 4 me unless u count a kiss on the cheek from future sis. my future sis is startin’ 2 fade out, but ur step-grandmother & ur grandpa r still dancin’, or az close az he gets. he puts his arm ‘round ur step-grandmother & they sway in their seats. i kinda ran outa songs w/"yes", "no", or "good" in them. but ur grandpa seems 2b happ 2 sing "yes", "no" and "good" 2 wutevah song it is. i have alreddy played everythin’ in my collection of greatest hits 4 old peeps vols. 1-6 & i have had 2 start repeatin’. 4tun8ly, the old foax don’t have v. good short term memories. that can b good or bad. ur step-grandmother stopped by & sed, “i just thot of the perfect girl 4 u, jeremy. her name is….” then she stopped 4 a bit & she sed, “i think i’ve had 2 much 2 drink. wut wuz i sayin’?” i sed, “u just thot of the perfect girl 4 me.” & ur step-grandmother sed, “that sounds like a pretty funny joke. i wondah wut the punch line wuz.” i sed, “it wuz prolly my luv life.” & ur step-grandmother sed, “i don’t think thass wut it wuz. i’ll remembah it in a minute. do u have ne songz by the andrews sisters?” i sed, “b4 or aftah patty went solo, or laverne died.” ur step-grandmother sed, “b4.” i sed, “i got beer barrel polka (roll out the barrel), yodelin' jive, beat me, daddy, eight to the bar, i'll be with you in apple blossom time, boogie woogie bugle boy, don't sit under the apple tree, victory polka, shoo shoo baby, don't fence me in, ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive, and toolie oolie doolie. ur step-grandmother sed, “boogie woogie bugle boy. thoze wartime songs alwayz get jim in a good mood.” thass how it iz here. ne news frum ovah there?
At 3:46 AM,
howard said…
Jeremy,
I guess I can tell you what’s happening here. April seems to be too occupied to reply to you. Gerald got April some kind of BoHo Hippy top with flared ruffle sleeves, with a choker necklace that has an oval Viking emblem attached. He insisted that she wear it, even though it is setting off all kinds of fashion alarms in my head. Thorvald seems to like it because it reminds him of how girls dressed in his younger days.
Warren Blackwood and Marjee Mahaha did finally emerge from wherever it was they went in Duncan Anderson’s house. They were both very smiley, and it was nice to see 2 people in love. Of course I had to overlook certain stains, and the fact that Marjee was very obviously wearing some of Warren’s clothing, to get that love feeling.
Luis Guzmán told this strange story about how the Toronto Fire Services have new laundry and scrapbooking divisions, for families who are victims of fires. His girlfriend, Alto Escurrido, said she heard the local Ontario Provincial Police were installing a new moccasin-making division so they can hand out moccasins to victims of violent crimes. This news seemed to upset Vicki Simone, probably due to her family background. Gordie Duroccher attempted to cheer her up by doing the 12 Skateboard Stunts of Christmas. I am sure you know it: 1 Ollie, 2 Drop in’s, 3 Railstands, 4 Manuals, 5 Pop Shuvits , 6 50-50 grinds, 7 Heelflips, 8 Kickflips, 9 Nose Wheelies, 10 Boneless Frontsides, 11 Casper Stalls, and 12 Powerslides. He was up to the 6th Powerslide, when he crashed into a table and it knocked him briefly unconscious. He seemed to be pretty happy when he woke up and he discovered he hadn’t broken anything. Vicki wasn’t very happy though, so it didn’t really serve its purpose.
I did have a successful midnight kiss with Becky. She wanted a Bilabial Vibration Kiss, which I was afraid to do, since it has a tendency to make the kissee lose consciousness and bladder control. Becky didn’t pass out and her pants were unstained, but she was very relaxed, which is the ideal reaction to a BVK.
That’s about it from here. We’re just a mellow crowd with good food and conversation and skateboarding tricks.
Howard Bunt
At 5:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, we're finally shuttin' down here. iz ur party still goin'? i mite come ovah.
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