April's Real Blog

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Surprises

So, Liz let Warren in, all "Warren--it's been a while! Please come in." And Warren was all, "Thanks." And since Liz is alwayz treating me like I'm an immature, pesky little sister who never stopped being 12, I decided 2 act the part by being like, "Hooo! U're the pilot! U used 2 d8 my sis!!" And Liz narrowed her eyez, all, "April... get lost." So I receded in2 silhouette an' ducked in2 another room. I heard Warren: "I don't have much time, Liz, so I can't stay. --I know this is a crazy suggestion, but I have 2 fly north, 2morrow and I cd drop U off in Mtigwaki if U want 2 visit!" Liz was, like, "Warren, I have my tickets already. If I come with U, I'd get there a day early! --I don't know what 2 say!" Then I poked my head in2 the hallway and sed, "Don't B a doofus! 1st U say 'Yes', an' when U get there, U say, 'Surprise!!'"

Hm, I hope she doesn't walk in on sum v. unpleasant "surprise." Y do I have a weird feeling that she will?

Also, Liz, it shd either B "If I came with U, I'd get there a day early" or "If I come with U, I'll get there a day early." Geez, U teach?

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:51 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I certainly hope you don’t pass on your tendency to act like a pesky little sister to my children. We try to train them how to act properly in front of guests. You said, “Hooo!” in front of a guest. I thought mom trained you better. The word is “Who”.

    The most egregious behaviour was your decision to give Elizabeth the answer to Warren Blackwood’s extremely improper invitation. You know Liz can’t make decisions for herself, and the correct answer would have been “No”. Liz is destined to be with Anthony Caine, her childhood sweetheart. Her trip back to the north was to fulfill her promise to one of those northern urchins that she would come back, which is why mom is letting her go. If she had said, “I want to go north to spend time with my boyfriend, then that would have been unacceptable.”

    Now, thanks to you, she is going to be spending more time with yet another suitor. Honestly, little sis, what were you thinking? The last time Liz ran off to be with another man, Anthony decided his life was over and proposed to that vile Quebecois woman and that took years for him to shake off. If he hears about Liz taking a helicopter trip with her university sweetheart, then he may propose to someone else wrong again, like an unwholesome woman from the States. If he does that, it could be years before he is single again. Elizabeth may turn 27 and she would be too old to get married and it would be all your fault.

    Elizabeth needs to take a nice bus or train ride to that place up north, visit her little school student to whom she made the promise, and get back to Milborough for Anthony to propose to her as soon as possible. After all, on a bus or a train, Liz is safe from any unsavory suitors.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:21 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, last gig 2nite.

    I think mayb Ive been here longer than I thot since u r now 250 yo. WTF?

    L8r. Im l8 4 my beach appointment.

    MCDunC

     

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I hate you, I can't believe how annoying and interfering you are, butting your nose in where it shouldn't go and telling me how to do my trip, it's none of your business, I would have punched you right in the face and pounded your head into the pavement until your skull cracked and your brains ran out all over, except Warren was there, and I didn't want to look non-lady-ish in front of him, he thinks I am very delicate and sweet and demure because we only ever kissed one time, of course however we are broken up, so there will be no kissing on this trip, he is just an ex-sort of boyfriend who is out of the kindness of his own heart going out of his way to take me to see my current love, the man I dumped him for, Warren is such a good sport, whenever we email he is still so interested in my life and what I do, even though we are "just friends" now, gosh I hope he is planning to pay for all the gas because I don't want to have to, I already refunded my tickets and I put the money into my Sensible Schoolmarm Fashion Wardrobe fund so I can get something really great to wear, I don't know why I "panicked" over Warren coming to see me, it is obviously totally innocent, even if it kind of seems like he is still carrying a torch for me, after all Anthony is still violently in love with me and yet we manage to have nice boring conversations about astronomy and the weather over coffee together.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whatevs, liz, u r such a h8r. no1 is ever gonna want 2 marry such a h8r.

    mike, i dunno y u r so obsessed w/liz hooking up w/anthony. i think u have a crush on anthony.

    dunc, i'm 250?!?!?!?

    apes

     

  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Apes, yr blogger profile says u r 250 yo.

    Im abt 2 start my last gig @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. Perditas p*ssed cos sum obnoxious Canadians r in the audience. She says she rote abt them here 4 her creative riting course. She hoped she wld nevah c them again, but no luck.

    C u soon,
    MCDunC

     

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, that was so weird with my profile. i swear i had left the yr of birth blank, but sumhow it got filled in w/1756! neway, i took out the year.

    thoze ppl in the audience, the ones yr aunt perdita wrote abt. there's sumthing weirdly familiar abt them, but i can't quite place it.

    apes

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. You say you don’t know why I am so obsessed with Elizabeth “hooking up” with Anthony. Honestly, little sis, I don’t know where you got the idea I wanted Elizabeth to go fishing with Anthony, unless you are speaking metaphorically. Using the metaphor you have suggested, what I really want is for Anthony to reel the Elizabeth fish in, take the hook out of her mouth, and dress the Elizabeth fish in a wedding dress with an engagement ring on her fin-ger. You know the way Elizabeth’s lips have been plumping out these days; I guess I can understand why you might make that comparison. Sometimes when I kiss my lovely wife’s Deanna’s plump lips, I start thinking about large mouth bass.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I finally have a moment to write you. I have spent most of the day chained up and locked in a closet by Becky. She said it was for my own protection after the local airport officials found me trying to commandeer a light aircraft to fly to Mtigwaki. I had apparently gotten so far as to file the flight manifest, when the officials caught me.

    Fortunately, Becky explained to the officers that I was suffering from Patterson allure, and they said that had been going on a lot lately. They had to put extra guards on all the helicopters and small planes, which is the reason I got caught. The only persons they are allowing through are persons who can prove they are the owners or licenced pilots of the craft, like Warren Blackwood, I am afraid.

    They let me free into Becky’s custody on the condition she prevent me from doing the same thing again. Consequently, I have spent most of the evening in the closet (Yes. I understand the irony.) Fortunately, in one of my more lucid moments, I told Becky about the chains. I haven’t had the chance to really use them since I was involved with the magician, the Great Gunter, who used to use them to…um…are you really 250, or are you still just 15?

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, what rock have u been living under that u don't know the xxpression "to hook up," as in getting 2gether as a couple? i swear, u make me think of sumthing one of my teacherz sez when she gets frustr8ed w/students. "willfully ignorant." that's kind of a bad thing 4 a journalist/senior editor 2 b.

    apes

     

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, still 15, so i'm afraid i'm still 2 yung 4 yr most juicy stories. drat! mayB sum1 hacked my profile so u'd start posting all thoze deets! if so, they went a bit far, eh?

    neway, wow, that patterson allure has really got u bad. but it's true that there's a lot of that going around. zeremy told me he even saw a story abt it on the local news!

    apes

     

  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, local news & personal xxperience.

    i had a weird xxperience 2day. i woke up this mornin’ in my usual sleepin’ place in the basement, since my future sis has taken ovah my bedroom while she & my future dad r stayin’ ovah @our house 4 the holidays. i say woke up, but a bettah description wud b violently shaken w/sum1 yellin’ “surprise! doofus!”

    i sed, “whoa! wussup?” i looked up @there wuz my future sis & freakin’ zapata henderson starin’ @me. my future sis sed, “jeremy jones! i have been tryin’ 2b sympathetic 2u, & this whole tyme u sed u didn’t have a gf u did, & u were cheatin’ on her.” i sed, “i have a gf. who iz it?” my future sis sed, “it’s zapata here, u idiot. don’t be so mean.” then my future sis punched me a little.

    i sed, “zapata?! zapata haz a bf named eldritch. she’s not my gf.” my future sis sed, “don’t lie 2 me, mr. i-nevah-lie. i can c the hurt in her eyes.” & my future sis punched me a little again.

    zapata sed, “rite, zeremy. i went out 2 have coffee w/zenobia & zandra yestahday aftahnoon & they told me how u got them tix 2c evanescence & u got zenobia a cigarette holder. y didn’t u give me tix 2c evanescence & a cigarette holder? i smoke. i smoke more than zenobia duz.” & zapata punched me kinda hard actually.

    my future sis sed, “hey! u got sum1 tix 2c evanescence & u didn’t give ne 2 me. i’m ur future sis. u got tix 4 sum girls ur messin’ ‘round w/& not me?” & my future sis punched me a little again.

    i sed, “u sed u didn’t like goth musick.” my future sis sed, “evanescence iz pop.” zapata sed, “it is not!” my future sis sed, “u know popular goth musick iz by definition also pop music, since it iz popular.” zapata sed 2 me, “make her take that back.” & zapata punched me kinda hard again.

    i sed, “sorry zapata. i don’t do that. i thot u like it that i don’t lie.” zapata sed, “yes, but i don’t like it wen ur st00pid. ok. mr. don’t-liar. do u rilly like zenobia & zandra better’n me?” i sed, “yes. absolutely yes.” zapata started cryin’ then. my future sis sed, “how cud u b so insensitive 2 her?” & my future sis punched me a little again.

    i sed, “thass startin’ 2 hurt.” & i got up & both girls started laffin’. i sed, “hey! these pyjamaz r the warmest 1s i have. i hafta have warm pyjamas since i am sleepin’ in the basement. it’s cold down here.” the girls kept on laffin’ & no, i am not tellin’ u wut wuz on my pyjamas. i don’t want u laffin’ @me 2.

    my future sis sed, “zapata, i dunno if u wanna have a bf who dresses like that 2 bed.” zapata sed, “u gotta point. i think i cud let jeremy off the hook, if he got me evanescence tix & a cigarette holder like zenobia’s.” i sed, “y don’t get ur real bf eldritch 2 get them?” my future sis sed, “who’s eldritch? thass a cube name.” zapata sed, “he’z a boy who iz sumtymez my bf, but not rite now.” my future sis sed, “ur foolin’ ‘round on jeremy?” zapata sed, “uc a girl hazta have 2 guyz. 1 good-lookin’ bad boy 2 show off @partiez & anothah one 2 listen 2 ur trubs. jeremy is my shoulder 2 complain on.” my future sis sed, “i don’t get it. y not tell ur trubs & go out w/the same guy.” zapata sed, “bad boys r ur trubs, mosta the tyme.” i sed, “wut happed w/eldritch this tyme?”

    zapata sed, “elizabeth patterson. all the guys in town r talkin’ ‘bout nothin’ but tryin’ 2 find sum way to get elizabeth patterson 2 some town in nw ontario the fastest. eldritch wants 2 steal a police car & take her. it’s so boring. he duzn’t wanna do nething w/me xxcept talk ‘bout howta steal 1.” i sed, “sumthin’ must b up w/liz patterson 4 the patterson allure 2b this bad. 4tun8ly 4 me, when i get hit by patterson allure it’s frum sum othah patterson.” my future sis sed, “april patterson?” i sed, “thass rite.” zapata sed, “hey! that bitch, april, bettah leave u along, ur mine!”

    my future sis started pushin’ zapata out the door. she sed, “sorry jeremy. i didn’t realize she wuz nuts.” zapata sed, “hey! wut ‘bout the evanescence tix & a cigarette holder?” i sed, “thass not happenin’.” zapata sed, “ic wut’s goin’ on. u want him 4 urself. u bitch! get ur own!" then i heard my future sis slam the door & zapata wuz yellin’ 4 awhile b4 she gave up.

    my future sis, “now ‘bout those evanescence tix. i wud like 2 tix 4 me & my bf.” i sed, “i thot u broke up w/ur bf.” my future sis sed, “but he luvz evanescence.” i sed, “y shud i do that 4u wen u let zapata in on me?” my future sis sed, “sorry ‘bout that. please, jeremy, pleeeease.” i told her i wud c wut i cud do. az it turns out i got sum floor tix, but they r not v. close.

     

  • At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, April Patterson, I have no reason to help "Zeremy" keep his secrets. So, about those pyjamas. I have two words for you. The first is "Spongebob." The second is "Squarepants."

    That is all.

    Zapata

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, zeremy, u've got spongebob jammies? they must b so cute!

    how bizarre that liz's "patterson appeal" is so strong rite now. i wonder what's up w/that.

    apes

     

  • At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am the FLYBOY! I WIN! I RULE!

    Woah, what made we write that? I haven't been myself lately. It's the strangest thing--

    ELIZABETH PATTERSON! ELIZABETH DEBORAH PATTERSON! PERFECTION!

    Uh, yeah.

    Warren.

     

  • At 10:13 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    Duncan said that you had a rabbit--when your rabbit watches television, how do you manage to change the channel without the rabbit growling at you and trying to attack?
    Jeremy, I'm sorry Zapata attacked you like that. I wouldn't have mentioned the presents, or the tickets, if I knew she'd do that.

    Zandra

     

  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    zandra, no apology necessary. i shoulda figgered zapata wud get jealous & got her sum tix 2. i picked her up sum tix (not near urs & zenobia's) & she seemed 2b happ w/them, which means she stopped w/the threatening fone calls.

    i have 1 question 'bout ur rabbit problem: iz the rabbit electrified? duz it shock u wen u touch it? those r the worst kinds, but howard bunt haz sum xxperience dealin' w/thoze. my xxperience w/those iz mainly b-ing zapped unconscious.

    'course if ur talkin' 'bout the rabbit who drove me & ur uncle arne & u in the car 1 tyme, then thass a diffrent story. ur uncle arne sed he wuz trained in 7 diffrent kinds of self-defence. i wud find anothah television 2 watch, if it's that rabbit, or w8 till he goez 2 sleep.

    the leafs beat boston 10 to 2, if thass the game u wanted 2 watch. but if u wanna c florida v. calgary or dallas v. edmonton, u can come ovah 2 my house. i don't care 'bout thoze games, so u cud even c sumthin' that duzn't have nething 2 do w/sports if wanted. i think my future sis wud actually like 2 watch sumthin' a little girlier.

     

  • At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, yes, they r spongebob squarepants. they fit & they r warm. of course i am writin' this 2u, since wen i called, u sed, "spongebob jammies" & started gigglin' 2 much 2 talk.

     

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