OMG, here we go
Liz posted a comment last nite abt what happed next w/her visit 2 Mtig:
Apes
April,Aw, man. Howard, this. This is what I didn't actually wanna say yesterday. This is what I've been afraid we were abt 2 hear. I, I, OH GAH. U C, I just have this ill feeling that the Witch of the North is, like, altering ppl's personalities 2 have Liz's luv life come out the way SHE wants it 2. I have to 2 go lie down. But I can't, I hafta get ready 4 school. I'm so depressed. Maybe the school nurse has sum Paxil.
Well I want to tell you what happened next before somebody else does, which you might think is not too likely, but as I just found out there are lots of people who know more about my private stuff than I know about it, for example Gary Crane, when we were in his truck, driving to the schoolpersonnelage after Billy Strongblood rescued us in the woods, Gary and I started talking, you know how that is, Natives love to talk, even though I noticed one thing, Gary looks a little more pasty white and a little less native than he used to, I wonder what that is all about, maybe he is using that skin bleaching cream I saw on the late-night infomercial when Candace and I were sitting up drinking wine and giggling while Rudy had to work late.
Well anyway, Gary said he didn't know why I was there early but it was okay because the guest room bed actually did have some clean sheets on it which he made it sound like that was unusual and a lucky coincidence, which worried me about Viv's housekeeping habits not being up to Mom's standards, but then he said Viv was baking a pie so I forgot about dirty sheets and started thinking about pie, I was going to ask what kind when I realized that Gary was looking at me like I should say something and I realized he wanted to know why I was there so early.
You would be so proud of me April, I lied like a pro, I said I was sorry to be early (NOT! SURPRISE!) and that I just couldn't wait to get there, notice how I just skipped over explaining why I didn't call, I know you were probably worried that I would mess up the all-important "lying and confusing people" part of your SURPRISE! plan, but I didn't, I was so proud I started to look self-satisfied almost like I do when I put on a seatbelt and I said that I had to hurry up and get in touch with Paul because I didn't want him to be all busy waiting for me at the bus stop in Spruce Narrows tomorrow and you know how it is in Mtigwaki if the phone lines aren't working we might have to use a smoke signal or send a messenger on snowshoes, I love the local native color but it sure takes a long time, and I didn't want the man the Good Witch of the North might want to be my future husband to freeze at the bus stop, so we needed to call Paul, bet you thought I would mess up the tricky "call Paul" part of the SURPRISE! plan too!
Then Gary surprised me a lot, he said I didn't have to call Paul, he was already in town with Susan, which made me upset, I said, "With Susan?" because I was thinking, if he is with Susan in Mtigwaki today how was he going to be in Spruce Narrows tomorrow at the bus stop, I mean he has a car but you know how unreliable cars are in the north, it might of broke down, but then I said "With Susan?" again because I realized something else, something much worser than bad emergency snow planning.
So I asked Gary "With Susan as in 'a friendly visit' or with Susan as in with Susan?!!" and Gary got all shifty-eyed and said, "Well, I think you'll have to work that out with them!" and that confused me, I didn't know quite what he meant by that, because and correct me if I'm wrong but if Paul is cheating with Susan then he's cheating with her, and that's that, but Gary made it sound like me and Paul and Susan could sit down together and decide whether Paul was cheating or not, it was very confusing, and I could see on Gary's face that he was worried I didn't get it, and I kind of didn't understand what he meant but Elizabeth Patterson does not get got the better of, except on sometimes when Eric cheats on her or April tries on her underwear, but even then Elizabeth Patterson knows how to cover up her not getting it, she pretends to get it and makes that pretending convincing by using violence, so with that in mind then I said, "With pleasure," because it sounded good and angry, and I looked good and angry, but in a glamorous way, I don't want to be an "ugly angry" like Mom, I want to be a "glamorous angry" like Dee, that is maybe Mom's one flaw, she lets her nose get too big and her under eye bags get too baggy when she's mad, well, that's not going to be Elizabeth Patterson, let me tell you something, Elizabeth Patterson got a full makeup kit (slightly smoke-damaged) from her sister-in-law for Christmas and she knows full well how to use the "Glamorous Angry" makeup palette that came with it!
More tomorrow.
Liz
Apes
Labels: Liz, Mtigwaki, Paul, personality transplants
posted by April Patterson @ 6:51 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:05 AM,
howard said…
April,
I have looked over what your sister wrote carefully, and I can’t say that I see any people’s personalities being changed. I remember from my brief time in that hellhole Mtigwaki, Gary Crane liked to make open-ended statements without explanation. I remember asking what happened to the teacher before Elizabeth, and he said, “Well, her nickname was fish head. I am sure you can work it out from there.”
If you are suggesting your sister’s personality has changed, I don’t see a change there either. As usual she is overreacting to something she doesn’t seem to understand. Believe me; I am very familiar with your sister’s overreactions. I have been in a 3-month long trial over pulling on your sister’s shirt, which I am told is as much time as some trials go for murder.
If you are suggesting your sister’s boyfriend the constable or his friend Susan’s personalities have changed, I don’t see that either. I understand they are long time friends, so why wouldn’t he be with her from time to time. It depends on your definition of Gary’s “with Susan” which nobody seems to be defining, except your sister seems to have assumed the worst or she wants to be glamorously angry.
Your sister wanting to be glamorous might be a change in personality. Is that what is getting you upset?
Howard Bunt
At 9:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I tried to warn the Lizardbreath back in September. “Absence makes the heart go wander.” But she didn’t think it was a very good pun. It does appear to be prophetic.
I have had plenty of experience with hearts wandering after a separation. When I was in university at a different university from my then-girlfriend Rhetta Blum, I remember making that fatal call which signaled my deliverance from Rhetta. I wanted to be with Deanna, instead of Rhetta Blum, which would have labeled me as a cheater, a very low accusation for a Patterson. But then, with that one fatal call, I discovered Rhetta was out with another guy.
As you know, little sis, you are not a cheater, if the person you were going to cheat on, has cheated first. I know you are thinking that maybe if someone is told on a phone call their girlfriend is out with another guy, that maybe they should not assume that it means they are dating that guy. In university, they could be studying. Or maybe the person who answered the phone has some ulteriour motive for lying and saying they were cheating.
As Liz can tell you, those things don’t matter. If someone even implies slightly, like with this “with Susan” phrase, someone is cheating, then that absolutely and positively means they are cheating. I know that’s true, based on my experience with Rhetta. Then once they are established as the cheater, then you are free to date anyone you want. And that’s how I ended up with my lovely Deanna. I can tell you, little sis. That illogical presumption based on a limited amount of information of Rhetta’s cheating, was the best illogical presumption I have ever made. I know it will be for Elizabeth, too.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister getting picked up by her former ogimaag (boss), Gary Crane, at the air field. I would like to say Gary’s words about me and my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) to your sister are a surprise, but I cannot. Chipper invited me to come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) a day early to help prepare for your sister’s arrival. Otherwise, I would have been in Otter County, where I live and from where I talk to your sister almost every day, except the day before she makes a trip.
As a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, I listen carefully to what people say and try to see the things they don’t say. You may notice all Gary said was I was with Chipper. But it is the way he said it, which made your sister suspicious. Chipper says it is this way with Gary Crane at work all the time, and it drives her crazy. He pauses and sighs, and expects Chipper to be able to understand him. Chipper thinks it all started when Gary invited her to go fishing with him. She said yes, but then he said, “Of course, girl, we’re not going to catch any fish.” So, Chipper didn’t go. Why go fishing, if you don’t think you will catch anything?
According to Chipper, life with Gary at the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) School has been difficult ever since. When I look at what Gary said to your sister, what I hear is “I am going to make trouble for Susan Dokis, using Elizabeth Patterson’s naturally suspicious nature.”
When your sister was working for Gary, she told me he brought up race issues with with having me as a boyfriend. I have suspected for a long time, the person with race issues with your sister and me is really Gary Crane. That may be why Gary said something your sister could think was something different.
Unfortunately, your sister did believe him. She jumped to some very quick conclusions. You may have jumped to conclusions too when you read it. I don’t know what your sister expected to see when she got to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), but I can tell you that Chipper and I were not doing anything suspicious. Chipper was genuinely happy to see Elizabeth. Chipper is wonderful that way.
There was some good to come out of what Gary did, even though it did cause problems. Your sister and I had a conversation would should have had before. For that, I am happy Gary did what he did.
There is more to the story, but since your sister is telling it to you in parts, and I know how you like to stretch out your stories, I will tell you my part along with what you hear from her. I will also tell you parts which your sister does not know. For example, before your sister got there, I was having a conversation with Chipper, Vivian Crane, and Jesse Mukwa over a printed out e-mail Jesse had. I will tell you more about it later.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
We have a full squad ready to deploy outside the Constable Paul/Susan "Chipper" Dokus love nest, 25 units of blood, and 6 Canadian Red Cross volunteers. We fully expect carnage on a scale not seen since the Meti uprising. On the brighter side, at least young Anthony isn't on the scene to add to the bloodshed, although he is typically always there when your sister needs him. (Unlike a certain someone we know...)
At 1:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Listen April,
I really don't recommend Paxil. You should try Wellbutrin or Lexapro. They have fewer side-effects. I've always wondered how you could deal with your mother in your current unmedicated state.
I'm going to have to start chowing down on the happy pills too, I guess. This morning, your mother faxed me a 79 page document entitled "Caine-Patterson 2007 Fall Wedding Prospectus." And that was just "Section Seven: The Maid-of-Honor"! Your mother sent me 32 different velvet-and-satin pantsuit outfits in colors with names like "pine," "cranberry," "ochre," "pumpkin," "chestnut," "harvest gold," etc. There was a note in her handwriting on the fax cover sheet. It said:
I know gay women don't wear dresses, dear, but I hope you will consider the weak heart and addled mind of Liz's beloved Grandpa Jim and wear girl clothing! I don't think his poor vascular system could handle it if you insist on wearing a tux, sweetie! Send me your measurements ASAP.
Something tells me your mother has some inside info on the whole Liz/Paul situation.
Candace
At 2:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, there may b sum kinda breakin’ up thing in the air. i have already had a long talk w/ zapata henderson, who both broke up w/her bf. it happed 2day @skool. zandra larson sed there wuz sumthin’ she wunted 2 talk 2 me ‘bout, xxcept wen she tried 2 talk 2 me, zapata come ovah & wuz cryin’ cuz she saw her bf eldritch w/anothah girl. zandra sed she wud talk 2 me l8er, but she didn’t seem 2b2 happ ‘bout it. it’s kinda hard 2 stop zapata wen she is in her crying mood.
i sed 2 zapata, “so u caught ur bf kissin’ or holdin’ hands or sumthin’ worse w/this othah girl?” zapata sed, “no. he wuz just w/her.” i sed, “u mean u saw them 2gethah & they weren’t doin’ nethin’?” zapata sed, “it’s like in daisy miller wen winterbourne takes a walk thru the colosseum & finds daisy & mr. giovanelli sitting there. he knew daisy wuz w/him.” i sed, “i don’t get it.” zapata sed, “eldritch wuz w/her like daisy w/ mr. giovanelli.” i sed, “so if u saw me w/april patterson, u wud think i wuz w/april?” zapata sed, “mebbe.” i sed, “w/thoze kinda standardz, how can a guy evah b faithful?” zapata sed, “he can stay away frum girls he shudn’t b with. u guyz r all pigz.” i sed, “so ur givin’ up on all guyz?” zapata sed, “no. i like pork. i just don’t trust it.”
i dunno if i believe the sgt. royalson guy, since mosta the tyme he soundz like a crayzee man, but if he has a full squad reddy 2 deploy outside where ur sis iz, then she may a lot bigger problems than a cheatin’ bf. i wud warn her 2 take cover.
At 4:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Okay folks, the latest list of potential husbands for Elizabeth Patterson:
Candidates (from most to least likely, according to a random poll of Ontarians):
Anthony Caine
Gary Crane
Warren Blackwood
Jesse Mukwa
Dennis North
Gordon Mayes
Candace Halloran
Paul Wright
Howard Bunt
Dr. Ted McCaulay
Eric Chamberlain
New Bets of Note:
Becky McGuire: 500 signed copies of her latest CD, I Should Be Your Everything on Anthony Caine ("Liz Patterson will marry the guy her mommy tells her to marry.")
April Patterson: her college savings account on Anthony Caine ("My sister is smart! She will make the right choice in the end! Anthony and Liz will live happily ever after!") (bet submitted via Elly Patterson)
Anyone who would like to place a wager should get their bets in now!
At 8:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, betty, i didn't make that bet! that's my mom betting twice!
wellbutrin. lexapro. thanx 4 the tip, candace. yeah, u shd c the entire prospectus. when zandra and her mom came by b-cuz dr. larson had 2 talk 2 my dad abt sumthin' going on in their med building, i showed the prospectus 2 zandra, and she called it "chilling." yeah, my mom is def pulling strings and getting help from the witch of the north. they've been getting along s00per-well l8ly, having long, giggly fone calls. my mom's butt has even been small this week.
howard, do not make me spell it out. i'm not gonna. stay tuned 4 the horror. it's only gonna get worse.
zeremy, yeah, i remember in portrait of a lady when isabel walked in2 a room and saw gilbert osmond sitting in a chair and madame merle, like, standing by him. and just cuz of that, she instantly knew that they'd been lovers. crazy henry james!
paul, huh, gary does seem kinda peculiar now that u mention all that.
apes
At 9:22 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
My mother was pretty disturbed by the prospectus, too, and by your father asking her repeatedly if she thought that Lionel or HO trains would go best around the wedding cake. At least the worst I'd have to worry about if I ever got married would be Arne setting half the guests alight.
Has Duncan had a taste transplant? He gave me a lamp he brought back from Barbados. I already have a lamp, and it actually matches the rest of my room, which isn't pink and green. It's kind of a tropical preppy thing, if a preppy with a mai tai hangover made it. I'm kind of disturbed by the lamp and what it might mean, but as Jeremy said earlier, Zapata's been in her post-concert breakup hysteria and it's hard to break in on her when she's venting.
Zandra
At 9:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
zandra, yeah, i sed 2 dunc that i didn't think the lamp really fit in w/yr, like, sense of style. but dunc sed sumthing abt how it brings "the happiness and joy of the island." i dunno, it's like he's had this happy-island kinda hangover. @ least since he got out from under liz's patterson allure.
apes
At 10:32 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
I hope that Duncan's just having the "island hangover," and not something else that would leave me like Charlotte Stant in The Golden Bowl, looking at the broken bowl and realizing that my relationship and decor were a sham.
Zandra
At 4:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well the next part of the story is very simple, Gary took me to the principalage and when we got there I saw that Paul's car was in the "driveway," which is a polite way of saying he was parked on the rutty part of the grass since the schoolpersonnelage doesn't really have a driveway for parking, anyway, I told Gary to carry my bags inside and he said, "Anything your heart desires! I am your slave! Devoted to you for life!" and I laughed, he is such a kidder, well Viv heard it and must have thought it was super funny too because she gave him one of those punches that says "you kidder!" but Viv probably really shouldn't do that, she's very strong, Gary almost fell over when she punched him.
Well while Gary and Viv were busy getting my things I went and knocked on the door of the teacherage, which as you know is attached to the schoolpersonnelage, anyway, Susan answered the door, you would have been very proud of me April, this time I am not letting any cheater jerk me around, I didn't even let Susan talk, I just said, "Hello, Susan," and informed her that Paul's car is in her driveway, which is how a prosecutor introduces incriminating evidence in court, then I asked to speak to him and I said please, but it was obvious that I was not being polite, it was said all stern-like, so Susan knew "please" meant "you are busted," but it was weird, it was like Susan didn't realize she was busted, she said "sure" I could see Paul, that isn't how it goes in court, when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against Howard in court, his girlfriend Becky would usually do a lot of screaming in the background, but Susan didn't do any screaming, but I am not going to be fooled, I realize she was just trying to hide her guiltyness from me.
Anyway, then Paul came to the door, that Susan didn't let me into the teacherage told me there must be a lot of incriminating evidence in there, like used-up condoms and empty wine bottles and stuff thrown everywhere, well Paul came to the door and said, "Elizabeth! I didn't think you'd be here until tomorrow!" and I was super annoyed because I couldn't tell if his tone of voice was guiltylike or just surprised, and it was shadowy in the teacherage (low lighting = nasty sexcapades) so I couldn't see Paul's expression, but I put on my best angry, "I caught you" face and said, "Well...I got here a day early," because obviously Paul and Susan were confused about what was going on and couldn't figure that out for themselves.
Then the best part happened, I made my eyes go really wide, like I was so shocked by their behavior that it had drove me kind of insane, not like drooling insane but kill your cheating boyfriend insane, I have been listening to that Carrie Underwood song a lot lately so I know what crazy sounds like, so I tried to look how crazy sounds, if you get what I mean, anyhow, when I felt like I looked like I had just walked in on a murder scene or something I said, "And I see it's already too late!" because Elizabeth Patterson is no fool, she is not going to wait around to be told the obvious, when your boyfriend parks in a girl's driveway and is inside her apartment, you know it is a dirty sex thing, that's just how life is, I have learned a lot by having had many terrible things happen to me over the last few years, anyway, I could tell I did a great job because Paul looked kind of horrified, like, "Oh Great Spirit, I should of known I could never trick Elizabeth Patterson, she's too clever!" and Susan was looking at Paul like, "Oh no, we're busted! She's too good! What're we gonna do?!"
That's all I'm going to say today, when I told Candace, she said this was a disappointing installment in the story but then I reminded her it's only Thursday.
Liz
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