Early and Late
So, Liz wrote sum more abt her Mtiggy visit:
Aw, who'm I kidding? This is just gonna B bad. Candace, I mite need U 2 hook me up w/sum of that Wellbutrin U were tellin' me abt.
Apes
April,Oh, hey, wdn't it B cube if it turned out that Paul an' Susan had been planning this gr8, super-secret surprise, w/out cluing in Gary an' Viv? And they led Liz in2 Susan's apt 2 show her this big banner that was all, "Liz, will you marry me? Luv, Paul"? And every1 laffed abt what a big misunderstanding it all was? And Paul was like, "We were gonna get Jesse 2 organize a big party if U sed 'yes'"? And Liz was all, "Oh, Paul, I really shd have called an' told U I was gonna B early!" And Jesse was like, "Yeah, Duh, Goosegirl!"
Well the next part of the story is very simple, Gary took me to the principalage and when we got there I saw that Paul's car was in the "driveway," which is a polite way of saying he was parked on the rutty part of the grass since the schoolpersonnelage doesn't really have a driveway for parking, anyway, I told Gary to carry my bags inside and he said, "Anything your heart desires! I am your slave! Devoted to you for life!" and I laughed, he is such a kidder, well Viv heard it and must have thought it was super funny too because she gave him one of those punches that says "you kidder!" but Viv probably really shouldn't do that, she's very strong, Gary almost fell over when she punched him.
Well while Gary and Viv were busy getting my things I went and knocked on the door of the teacherage, which as you know is attached to the schoolpersonnelage, anyway, Susan answered the door, you would have been very proud of me April, this time I am not letting any cheater jerk me around, I didn't even let Susan talk, I just said, "Hello, Susan," and informed her that Paul's car is in her driveway, which is how a prosecutor introduces incriminating evidence in court, then I asked to speak to him and I said please, but it was obvious that I was not being polite, it was said all stern-like, so Susan knew "please" meant "you are busted," but it was weird, it was like Susan didn't realize she was busted, she said "sure" I could see Paul, that isn't how it goes in court, when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against Howard in court, his girlfriend Becky would usually do a lot of screaming in the background, but Susan didn't do any screaming, but I am not going to be fooled, I realize she was just trying to hide her guiltyness from me.
Anyway, then Paul came to the door, that Susan didn't let me into the teacherage told me there must be a lot of incriminating evidence in there, like used-up condoms and empty wine bottles and stuff thrown everywhere, well Paul came to the door and said, "Elizabeth! I didn't think you'd be here until tomorrow!" and I was super annoyed because I couldn't tell if his tone of voice was guiltylike or just surprised, and it was shadowy in the teacherage (low lighting = nasty sexcapades) so I couldn't see Paul's expression, but I put on my best angry, "I caught you" face and said, "Well...I got here a day early," because obviously Paul and Susan were confused about what was going on and couldn't figure that out for themselves.
Then the best part happened, I made my eyes go really wide, like I was so shocked by their behavior that it had drove me kind of insane, not like drooling insane but kill your cheating boyfriend insane, I have been listening to that Carrie Underwood song a lot lately so I know what crazy sounds like, so I tried to look how crazy sounds, if you get what I mean, anyhow, when I felt like I looked like I had just walked in on a murder scene or something I said, "And I see it's already too late!" because Elizabeth Patterson is no fool, she is not going to wait around to be told the obvious, when your boyfriend parks in a girl's driveway and is inside her apartment, you know it is a dirty sex thing, that's just how life is, I have learned a lot by having had many terrible things happen to me over the last few years, anyway, I could tell I did a great job because Paul looked kind of horrified, like, "Oh Great Spirit, I should of known I could never trick Elizabeth Patterson, she's too clever!" and Susan was looking at Paul like, "Oh no, we're busted! She's too good! What're we gonna do?!"
That's all I'm going to say today, when I told Candace, she said this was a disappointing installment in the story but then I reminded her it's only Thursday.
Liz
Aw, who'm I kidding? This is just gonna B bad. Candace, I mite need U 2 hook me up w/sum of that Wellbutrin U were tellin' me abt.
Apes
Labels: Liz, Mtigwaki, Paul, personality transplants, Susan
posted by April Patterson @ 6:52 AM
12 Comments:
At 10:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister coming to see my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) and she found me there. I promised I would give you my side of the story and here it is:
As you know, Chipper and I were expecting your sister to come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) a day later than she did. Chipper invited me to come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) a day earlier to help her prepare for your sister. But when I got there, it turned out that wasn’t really what she wanted me there a day early for. It was what they called an intervention, or what Jesse Mukwa called a Liz-ervention. Jesse is very good at native humour.
Vivian Crane was there and said to me, “Paul. We need to show you something.” Then she handed me this printed out e-mail message. It said:
Hey, Liz!
Here’s the latest: Pop got a new car. It’s a Crevasse, like mom’s, only it’s red, standard shift, cool design, an’ turbo-charged!
We got a new singer in the band. Her name is Eva-and another guy might join us on keyboard. We’re also gonna change our name.
Mom’s a cleaning machine. She’s vacuumed everything but the sheets! She also signed up for a photography course. So much for “retirement.”
Mike called. Baby Robin has been really sick, but he’s O.K. now.
And your old friend Anthony just split up with his wife. Gotta go!
–‘Bye,
-A
I read it. It looked like something you might have written to your sister, except I don’t remember you signing anything as “-A” before. I said, “What’s this?” Jesse Mukwa said, “It’s an e-mail Elizabeth printed out to read back in May. She showed it to me. I said, “Why are you showing it to me?” Jesse Mukwa said, “She circled the part about Anthony in red 10 times. And there is a note on the back.” I turned the print out over and it said: “Milborough. Must move back. Fix the mistake I made when I moved in with Eric. Take any job. Even the summer teaching job in Mississauga nobody wants because of the terrorists. I said, “This doesn’t make sense. Liz told me when she was offered the summer teaching job in Mississauga, she was so happy, she cried.”
Then Chipper said, “Show him the pictures, Jesse.” And Jesse handed me two pictures. I looked at them and I said, “Two pictures of Elizabeth hugging Anthony Caine.” I said, “Where did you get these?” Jesse said, “Miss Patterson sent them to me along with this note, which said:
Dear Jesse,
I hope you are having as much fun with Miss Dokis as you had with me. I still remember my promise to come back and see you, and it will probably be at Christmas, or before New Year’s, or slightly after New Year’s. Until then here are some pictures my mom took from the trial where I was a witness. I wish you were here to cheer me up with one of your jokes, since Paul is not here to support me.
Love,
Miss Patterson
P.S. (Booze who. You see I still remember some Mtigwakian.)
Jesse said, “You know who the guy in the picture is?” I said, “Sure. When Elizabeth lived in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), she had pictures of Anthony Caine on the wall along with pictures of her family. They are old friends and they used to date in high school.” Vivian said, “Doesn’t it make you suspicious?” I said, “No. Why should it? They’re just hugging and looking into each other’s eyes.”
Vivian said, “I remember when Elizabeth was living here in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and you would come to visit her. I seem to remember she didn’t like kissing.” I said, “That’s true. My sweet girl prefers hugging. The first and only time we ever kissed was when I took her back to Milborough, and I think that was to show off for her ngashi (mother) and her nishiime (little sister).” Jesse Mukwa said, “How can you tell when she’s hugging some other guy, she’s not cheating on you?” I said, “Our hugs are different. They are closer.” Chipper said, “Closer than those in these pictures?” So I thought back to all the times I hugged your sister. I said, “Now I think about it, they weren’t really closer.”
Jesse Mukwa said, “Miss Patterson is cheating on you. Miss Patterson is cheating on you.” I said, “Don’t be ridiculous, Jesse. Just because Elizabeth got an e-mail saying her old boyfriend got divorced, and she takes the first job she can get to move South, and because you have pictures of her hugging her old boyfriend; doesn’t mean she is cheating.” Chipper said, “How can you tell the difference?” I said, “If it was just spending time with someone and hugging them, then you could say I was cheating on Elizabeth.” Vivian said, “How is that?” I said, “My partner in the Ontario Provincial Police is a woman. Plus I have been to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) several times to visit with Chipper and we have hugged.” Jesse Mukwa said, “Constable Wright is cheating on Miss Patterson. Constable Wright is cheating on Miss Patterson.”
Just then Gary Crane popped in and said to me, “You’re cheating on Elizabeth?” Vivian said, “Go away, Gary.” Gary said, “Hey, girl! I know what I heard.” Vivian said, “You’ll just have to work that out on your own.” Then Gary left, muttering to himself.
I said, “Jesse. When you are in love with someone, it’s different than just hugging or spending time with them. You tell them you are crazy about them. That’s what I told Elizabeth. If said that to Chipper or my partner, then I would be cheating on Elizabeth.” Jesse said, “Aww! So, Miss Patterson tells you she’s in love with you, too?” I said, “Well, she hasn’t said it yet, but she has written it in her monthly letters her family writes. She has told me she misses me. That’s pretty close.” Jesse said, “You’re an idiot. You should be dating Miss Dokis. She loves you and she will say it to your face.” I said, “What are you talking about, Jesse? Miss Dokis only thinks of me as an old friend.”
Then Chipper said, “No, Suds (her nickname for me). Jesse’s right. I love you dearly.” Then it was like a light bulb turned on over my head. When I looked up, there was an actual light bulb there turned on and hanging unsupported in the air. I suddenly realized how much I cared for Susan, but I had been blinded to it by your sister and something about her, like an allure. I told Chipper how I felt, and she said, “I know, Suds. I saw the light bulb.” Then Vivian said, “Jesse. I think we should leave them alone.” Jesse said, “Can’t I, at least, look through the window?” Vivian said, “No.”
Then Chipper and I talked a long time about what just happened. I said, “Elizabeth. She’s going to be here tomorrow. I told her I was transferring to be closer to her. What do I tell her now?” Chipper said, “Tell her you’re sorry. Tell her you didn’t really get the transfer. Make something up. You don’t want her to get violent.”
Then Gary Crane knocked on the door and said, “There’s a helicopter buzzing the town. It’s probably one of those government inspectors they send down all the time to try and figure out why Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) doesn’t have any of the problems with poverty, unemployment, disease and poor living conditions that the rest of the Ojibway in Ontario have. Do either of you want to come with me?” We said no.
After awhile we heard Gary’s truck come back and knocking on the door. Chipper went to answer it. She thought it was Gary wanting her to do something with the inspector. She came back to get me and said, “It’s Elizabeth. She’s here a day early and she wants to know about your car in the driveway.” I said, “Ine (exclamation of denial). Elizabeth was always really picky about where I parked when she was living in this teacherage.” When I went to the door, I said, “Elizabeth! I didn’t think you’d be here until tomorrow!” She said, “Well…I got here a day early. And I see it’s already too late.” Then I saw some thing which completely shocked me. There was what I thought was a breath cloud in front of Elizabeth, but it looked like it had 2 eyes and a nose on it like a small breathy ferret. Then Elizabeth’s face went from not made up to looking like she was a glamour Elizabeth. It was very startling, and I think it distracted me from what Elizabeth was saying. After all, it wasn’t too late to move my car, but I didn’t question her about it.
I think this is where your sister stopped in her story, so I will stop here too and continue tomorrow.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Absence makes the heart go wander. That’s what I said to Elizabeth and now it’s come true. That will teach her to listen to her big brother.
I can’t wait for the next part of your story. I hope Elizabeth was packing her frying pan, but if she wasn’t then this girl her boyfriend was cheating with, probably has one. Obviously, this girl wouldn’t be cheating with Elizabeth’s boyfriend, if she thought he was with Elizabeth. So, she will be just as angry as Elizabeth is. Then he will run and lock himself in the washroom, while Elizabeth and the other girl beat on it with their fists. Then when he finally comes out, they will beat on him with their fists and the frying pan. Then when he escapes, Liz can tell him how she gave away his personal property to charity in revenge.
Wait a minute! Mom is pointing to something. The Patterson Guide to Ethnicity. Section 3, Paragraph 10 – First Nations People. It says:
Natives are noble and without fault. Pattersons must respect their native ways. Beatings delivered to noble natives must be accomplished with tomahawks, moccasins, or dreamcatchers.
Oh, Cheeze. I guess we aren’t going to get any frying pan and fist beatings in your story.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:34 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your sister seems to be as clear-thinking as I remember her from when I used to work with her. I remember when we both worked at Lakeshore Landscaping I tried to step in and help her, when she was operating heavy equipment without a licence and she started talking about my mental engineering. Just to let you know, Elizabeth wasn’t in the courtroom when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against me in court. However, she is right that my fiancee Becky was noisy during her testimony, saying things in the background like “I am going to cut you, beyotch.” Becky was just kidding though. She hates stabbbing people.
It sounds like things are over or are going to be over soon with her constable boyfriend. I’m sorry for your sister. It’s no fun when a relationship ends. However, my lawyer, Mr. Benis has told me he was contacted saying that there is a definite need for the trial to conclude, once your sister is back in town and can go to the sentencing with Anthony Caine. When her sister comes back and I am put in prison, I will try to remember this ended relationship, so I can have at least a little sympathy for her.
Howard Bunt
At 12:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Oh my gosh, what Paul is saying is so unfair, I totally did tell Paul I loved him, that day when I told him he had to move south if he wanted to keep me, I said it right to his face, well didn't say it exactly, but when he said, "I thought you loved ME!", I said, "I DO!" right when I was supposed to, I don't know what the hell his problem is.
April there is a lesson to learn from all of this, and that is, Never trust a whore with a cute but stupid nickname like Chipper, she will steal your man from you every time, no matter even if you are the world's most fantastic girlfriend like me.
Liz
At 12:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
In regards to yesterday’s comment in which a betting pool was offered for your sister and her future husband, I would like to know if the pool is still open. If so, could you tell Ms. Wagerson that I, Iris Richards, would like to bet three of my Hummel figurines and 100 Canadian dollars on Warren Blackwood; my husband, Jim Richards, would like to bet 100 Canadian dollars and three of his Prime Rib meals on Anthony Caine (although we can disregard the Prime Rib meals – I’m humouring him.)? Thank you, dear.
Your grandfather wanted me to tell you that if you stop by later today, he would love to hear you play guitar. He also wanted me to tell you that he has an endless supply of antidepressants and would be willing to “lend” you a few until you can see a doctor and get your own prescription.
Love,
Iris Richards
At 12:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, sorry 2 read all the stuff 2day. i know u were hopin’ ur sis wud end up w/the constable. i think if u were 2 conduct sum kinda poll, i bet most peeps wud agree w/u. i think the prob is ur sis haz that patterson allure thing goin’. wen all the guys r attracted 2u & u don’t hafta work @it, then u think just cuz sum guyz like warren blackwood r willin’ 2 drop everythin’ 2b w/ur sis, that every guy whose fallen 4u iz gonna b the same. ur sis moved 900 miles away frum the constable & thass gotta weaken that allure a little. i think ur sis needs a guy who luvs her 4 wut she iz & not cuz of sum allure. ‘course the trick iz 2 find sum guy who finds out wut she iz like & still luvs her. havin’ a gf iz hard enuff, wen u don’t rilly like wut she’s like.
i know i saw a lotta it 2day. zandra larson & duncan anderson were havin’ sum kinda tiff ovah lamps. duncan wuz offering 2 redecor8 her room 2 match this lamp he gave her frum barbados, & he made the mistake of mentionin’ he helped u redecor8 ur room. zandra didn’t take it 2 well.
zapata henderson & her bf eldritch were fitin’ ovah whether the original or revised versions of roderick hudson were better. zapata sed that sum1 who prefers the revised version is obviously cheatin’ on her.
luis guzmán & his gf alto escurrido were fitin’, cuz alto saw luis standin’ b-side rebeccah in the cafetorium line, & naturally presumed he wuz cheatin’ on her (alto that is).
vicki simone & gordie duroccher were fitin’ ovah gordie wearin’ sum othah kinda hat than his usual beret. sum kinda fashion issue i guess, but vicki seemed 2 think it meant gordie wuz cheatin’ on her with a milliner.
it wuz weird @skool 2day. i figger if i hadda gf, i wud b broken up 2.
At 1:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your sisters response to my side of the story. In the conversation she is quoting, what I actually said was, “I thought you loved this area. I thought you loved ME!” She did say, “I DO!" I must have gotten confused if she was saying she did love the area or me. I might have made a mistake, but I see from the things your sister wrote about Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper), it’s already too late to correct it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:36 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
Duncan ungifted the lamp. He said,
"Oh, man, you'd be mad if you didn't know I helped April redecorate her room. Now you're mad that you know."
"That's not the point, Duncan. I feel like Charlotte Stant in The Golden Bowl where she realizes that Adam Verver and Maggie Verver have a connection that overrides everything, including their marriages, and that her life is a sham."
"That's not good, right?"
"Jeremy would understand how I feel--he knows what's important to people."
"But Zed, he threw April's harmonica out the bus window when we were little," Duncan said.
"That's the point--he knew the harmonica was important! He didn't just throw any piece of crap!"
"Well," Duncan said, "talk to Jeremy then if he's so understanding."
"I can't. Zapata's got him booked up for the rest of the week, and she starts crying harder every time you get near her." I went to class, and later Duncan got me a grande bold at Starbucks to sort of apologize.
Zandra
At 7:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
zandra, dunc asked me if i thot u'd change yr mind abt the lamp if he compared it 2 the valuable stuff in that house in the spoils of poynton. i sed i'm thinking no.
paul, liz, i m v. v. sad. :(
iris, i hope gramps enjoyed the tunes i played him when i visited. it was v. nice of him 2 slip thoze wellbutrin samples in2 my bookbag.
zeremy, i 4get which version of roderick hudson i like best. i just remember i had the wrong edition when we read it 4 english.
well, liz mite already b in town, howard. i think, erm. oh, i just had a timewarp headache.
mike, try not 2 b so happy.
apes
At 9:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, don't worry 'bout which version of roderick hudson u like best. that wuz a zapata / eldritch battle. sumtymez i think fitin' is the way thoze 2 rel8. u know, like when ur sis went all ballistic cuz her old boss sed the constable wuz w/susan & she wuz lookin' 4 revenge w/pleasure? peeps who get mad that fast r usually peeps who r alwayz gettin' in a fite w/their bf. they like it.
remember wen ur sis wuz goin' 2 university & anthony decided 2 break thingz off w/her b4 she broke thingz off w/him. she wuz so mad. & of course, i've been 'round u long enuff 2 know when ur sis got mad @u & pinned u2 the floor or the chesterfield. she'z like zapata. she likes the conflict.
if ur sis talks 2u 'bout it, the best thing 2 do is just listen. u nevah, evah wanna say nethin' bad 'bout the othah person, cuz her old bf may b-come her new bf, like u know warren iz gonna try 2 do. w/zapata i just listen 2 what she sez & respond w/things like, "thass terrible" or "wut did u do next?" or "i don't know y peeps think they can do thingz like that." it usually works out gr8, cuz zapata alwayz goes back 2 eldritch.
'course now i kinda wonder if ur sis teamed up w/susan 2 beat up on her ex-bf, paul. i guess it depends on whether or not, susan feels like she iz b-ing cheated on 2, or if she wuz in on it.
At 10:40 PM,
duncan anderson said…
I bet one Bajan lamp, green w/ pink shells, on Anthony. I dont understand y ne girl wld want Anthony, but I dont understand girls, so it shld b a safe bet.
MCDunce
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Okay, well the next part is short and sweet, I just turned around and walked off the porch at the teacherage, I was going to go back to the principalage and drown my sorrows in pie, but Paul followed me, he said, "Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and..."
Well that really ticked me off, because how is it somehow better if he tells me tomorrow right, so I said, "And what?!! Tell me you've dumped me for the teacher who took my place?" because let's face it, that's now what a girlfriend wants to hear when she finally comes to visit you, well of course Paul said, "I didn't plan this...it's just happened," which is typical, I know that line, I have used it myself, so I said, "Lying doesn't 'just happen,' Paul! Cheating and pretending and covering up doesn't 'just happen'! There is a specific list of stuff that 'just happens,' I know what's on it, here are some of the things: 1. Realizing you miss your mommy, 2. Realizing you miss your divorcing ex-high school boyfriend, 3. Accidentally giving your divorced ex-high school boyfriend the wrong idea about your relationship by hugging him and begging him for support during your very romantic rape trial, 4. Your ex-college not-boyfriend shows up and offers you a ride for no reason at all after you smashed his love hopes last year but still you email sometimes just as 'friends', those are things that 'just happen'!"
Well Paul couldn't hardly say anything, he was just like, "But...I didn't want to hurt you!!" well I'm glad I changed my mind about being Glamour Angry because that does not go with the choice I made next which is to do Crying Little Patterson Girl with big puddles of tears under her eyes, I thought that would make people feel more sorrier for me, and I said, "Well guess what, it just happened!"
There's more but I will tell it tomorrow, I think it is dramatic-like to stop here, besides, I am sure Paul will want to tell his stupid side of the story too.
Liz
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