Things That Just Happen
Well, foax, here's the latest post from Liz:
NEway, I'm still mad-depressed abt all this. Candace, shd I just follow the dosing instructions on thoze Wellbutrin samples Gramps slipped me, or is it really really bad 4 me 2 do that w/out a real consult? Oh, an' U know who's totally NOT depressed. Mom. Dad. Mike. Gah, Mike and Dad have even made up a lil "I told U so" song an' dance they do whenev they think no1 else can C or hear. So lame.
Apes
April,Oh, and don't forget, Liz, abt how "In a town of 350 ppl, help just 'happens.'" Mom still talks abt that from when she drove U up 2 Mtig in January 2005: "Those nice northern natives, they're not just noble, they're also so helpful!"
Okay, well the next part is short and sweet, I just turned around and walked off the porch at the teacherage, I was going to go back to the principalage and drown my sorrows in pie, but Paul followed me, he said, "Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and..."
Well that really ticked me off, because how is it somehow better if he tells me tomorrow right, so I said, "And what?!! Tell me you've dumped me for the teacher who took my place?" because let's face it, that's not what a girlfriend wants to hear when she finally comes to visit you, well of course Paul said, "I didn't plan this...it's just happened," which is typical, I know that line, I have used it myself, so I said, "Lying doesn't 'just happen,' Paul! Cheating and pretending and covering up doesn't 'just happen'! There is a specific list of stuff that 'just happens,' I know what's on it, here are some of the things: 1. Realizing you miss your mommy, 2. Realizing you miss your divorcing ex-high school boyfriend, 3. Accidentally giving your divorced ex-high school boyfriend the wrong idea about your relationship by hugging him and begging him for support during your very romantic rape trial, 4. Your ex-college not-boyfriend shows up and offers you a ride for no reason at all after you smashed his love hopes last year but still you email sometimes just as 'friends', those are things that 'just happen'!"
Well Paul couldn't hardly say anything, he was just like, "But...I didn't want to hurt you!!" well I'm glad I changed my mind about being Glamour Angry because that does not go with the choice I made next which is to do Crying Little Patterson Girl with big puddles of tears under her eyes, I thought that would make people feel more sorrier for me, and I said, "Well guess what, it just happened!"
There's more but I will tell it tomorrow, I think it is dramatic-like to stop here, besides, I am sure Paul will want to tell his stupid side of the story too.
Liz
NEway, I'm still mad-depressed abt all this. Candace, shd I just follow the dosing instructions on thoze Wellbutrin samples Gramps slipped me, or is it really really bad 4 me 2 do that w/out a real consult? Oh, an' U know who's totally NOT depressed. Mom. Dad. Mike. Gah, Mike and Dad have even made up a lil "I told U so" song an' dance they do whenev they think no1 else can C or hear. So lame.
Apes
Labels: Liz, Mtigwaki, Paul, personality transplants, Susan
posted by April Patterson @ 6:40 AM
8 Comments:
At 8:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I must admit dad’s and my dancing skills are rusty, but you must admit the “I told you so” song is catchy. Here are the lyrics for your readers:
Chorus
I told you so
He’s the wrong guy for you,
A childhood sweetheart
Is the man who will do
Verse 1:
Absence makes the heart go wander
It’s a pun, so it must be true
Won’t find a man when you go yonder
A Milborough man is the one for you
Verse 2:
You have a man in your life
But where is he when you need him?
He has taken another wife
Whose native guiles mislead him.
Verse 3:
When you fall in love with a certain tree,
Only to discover it has deep roots.
You want to take the tree south, but chee
The tree is going to give you the boot
Verse 4:
You should have a true boyfriend
Who comes down to be with you.
A guy like dad we recommend
Not a guy who mistreats you.
Verse 5:
A boy like that who'd kill your brother,
Forget that boy and find another,
One of your own kind,
Stick to your own kind!
To April’s readers, imagine dad and me, singing this song, and doing a little soft shoe. And the best part of it is that it is an excellent lesson for my kids. Bonus!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
On behalf of myself and all the good peace officers in Canada, please tender our apologies to your sister and your whole family for the reprehensible behavior of my former Academy room-mate, Constable Paul Wright. I believe I did try to convey my warnings about this "man," who was known to be quite the cad even in Academy days, when he would compose (and sing under his breath) salacious lyrics to "God Save the Queen" in a misguided attempt to be "funny."
We have taken up a collection to buy something appropriate to give your elder sister. Two questions: (1) Does she know how to fire a handgun? and (2) Does she realize she should shoot THEM first, and THEN herself?
Sgt. Royalson.
At 9:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting your sister talking to me. Here is my “stupid side” of the story. You may remember from what I told you yesterday, Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) told me she loved me, and I realized I loved her too. It just happened not too long before your sister got to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) one day early. I thought it was too late to call your sister, because her plan was to take the bus to Spruce Narrows and that was a 2-day trip. I thought she would be on the bus, so the first time I could say anything to her was when I picked her up in Spruce Narrows. I tried to tell her this. I said, “Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and…” Elizabeth was angry. I don’t blame her. She’s not going to want to hear I’ve dumped her for Chipper, if it was in the Narrows or in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). So she interrupted me and told me so. I noticed she also pointed out that Chipper had taken over her place teaching in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It was like she couldn’t remember Chipper’s name was Susan. I think about this now, but at the time all I could say was, “I didn’t plan this….it just happened!” And in truth, it had just happened, maybe a half hour before.
Your sister didn’t understand I meant “It just happened” as in time, she thought I meant “It just happened” as if I didn’t have control over it. So, she told me the list of things which don’t “just happen” like lying, cheating, pretending, and covering up. I think she thought everything I had told her about our relationship was not true. I tried to tell her she was mistaken about what “It just happened” meant, but then I remembered all the things I was told yesterday.
I was told Elizabeth had decided to leave Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) after he heard her ex-boyfriend, Anthony Caine was divorced, and not from getting offered the job in Mississauga, or from homesickness as she had told me. I had learned she had been seen in public with Anthony, and was giving him the same kind of affection she gave me---big hugs, even though she had told me they were just friends. Then it occurred to me, Gary went to pick up someone coming in on a helicopter and it ended up being Elizabeth, and I remembered back to December, 2005, when she also traveled by helicopter with her ex-boyfriend, Warren Blackwood. All these thoughts went through my head, and I thought, “I could throw all these things in her face. She’s accusing me of lying, cheating, pretending and covering up; but she never told me these things. I could ashkendami` (hurt her feelings) for saying these things about me, when I had tried so hard to make a relationship work with her.
But when I looked at her, all those things Elizabeth had done, went away. I saw a crying woman, who had traveled a long way to visit her boyfriend (actually to be driven by her boyfriend to visit other friends in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)), and she found him with another woman. I was the one who made her cry, so I simply said, “But, I didn’t want to hurt you!!” I couldn’t say all those other things I had learned. That would just ashkendami` (hurt her feelings) more. I still loved Elizabeth, even though I knew she was not the woman for me.
Elizabeth said, “Well, guess what!!...It just happened.” Then everything came clear to me. Even in her grief and sadness, Elizabeth managed to do some of that word play (a pun?) she always does, and I was never very good at. I thought, “I would never be able to survive in the South, with people who, no matter what happens to them, feel the need to tell some kind of joke.” Someone so hard-hearted would never be able to tell me, “I love you.” And I realized in all things Elizabeth said, she never said how she felt. I was glad I didn’t ashkendami` (hurt her feelings) any more than I did, but I don’t think I can hear the phrase “It just happened” again without remembering the look on Elizabeth’s face, when through the tears, she said those words to me, to try to be funny. April, you have often said how much you try not to pun, and I don’t think I understood how terrible it is, until that moment.
This is as far as your sister got with her part of the story, so I will stop here too.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:34 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes, dont take the Wellbutrin. I looked them up in my moms big book of drugs & they wont work 4 weeks.
Go bhind the DQ @ lunch & have a toke or 2. Instant relief.
L8r.
At 12:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
All,
Today the sun is a little big brighter. The air is a little sweeter. The sound of busted car mufflers pulling into MMM are a little more musically resonant.
I'm just happy for some reason.
Anthony
At 6:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, ppl, from mike's description, u can prolly image the horror that is the song/dance dad an' mike do. try 2 keep in mind they totally do "jazz hands."
anthony, i'm guessing u've received mom's humongous gift basket, eh?
dunc, heh, good joke, an' thanx 4 the herbal vitamins u shared w/me after school.
paul, this whole thing just makes me sad. :(
sgt. royalson, giving my sis a gun wd b a v. v. bad idea. carnage wd ensue, totally.
apes
At 6:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, Becky and I are having a very interesting evening. We're at Lulu's Tutu having dinner and sharing stories about how bad it sucks to have Liz Patterson take our fiancés away from us. Sure, they're being taken from us in different ways. With Becky, it's Howard no doubt having to go to prison soon. And with me, it's that blasted Patterson allure sending Warren into his must-have-Liz trance. But all the same, it's all about Liz.
Well, I guess we were talking about all this kind of loudly, and a sharp-featured brunette approached our table. She spoke with a slight Quebecoise accent, and she told us she couldn't help overhearing.
"You know what is the worst? When your fiancé falls for Elizabeth Patterson but marries you anyway. Then you have a husband whose heart belongs to this Patterson woman no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work at your career, and no matter even if you give the bastard a baby you didn't even want to have. And even though he's in love with her, he never comes out and admits it, he just gives her those love looks whenever you happen to show up at the same party.
"And one day you realize that no matter what you do, or how good you are, your husband will never love you. And one of your co-workers lets you know that he actually appreciates you, and you start to know that life can be different, and you're not unlovable. You just can't win when the 'allure' has your man.
"And you finally get the courage to leave him, to set up an apartment with your lover and start a new life. And your soon-to-be ex is free to pursue her, God help him!"
She got kind of teary and ran off before we had a chance to ask her what her name is, but it was pretty interesting.
Marjee
At 9:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
huh, marjee, i wonder if that was thérèse, anthony's ex?
oh, paul, i meant 2 comment on this from yr post:
April, you have often said how much you try not to pun, and I don’t think I understood how terrible it is, until that moment.
tho i'm v. sad abt all this, i'm kinda relieved that sum1 understands the awfulness of the puns.
apes
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