More Bad Patterson Wordplay
After I cried when Mom had asked how I cd live in all that clutter in the rec room, Mom D-cided it was time 4 tea, so we were back in the kitchen. While the tea was steeping in the teapot, I was all, "I'm sorry I yelled @ U, Mom." Which I hadn't dun, I'd just cried a bunch. But this was my only chance that Mom mite apologize 4 her scary yelling. Which she didn't xxactly, but she sort of put on one of her more sympathetic facial xxprssions an' sed, "Well ... I hollered @ U, 2." As she was pouring the tea, she was all, "We're all tense. We're not used 2 so many ppl living in this house." As I noticed that she was pouring her own cup B4 she poured mine, I sed, "And 4 so long!" Then as she was saying "At least Elizabeth's gone 4 a few dayz. That's one less in line 4 the shower," we heard the front door go "SLAM!" And there was Liz, in her noble-north approved fur-lined parka, yelling, "Paul dumped me 4 ANOTHER WOMAN!!" She came in2 the kitchen, threw her arms around Mom, and cried in the xxact same way that I'd been crying just moments B4--left eye dropping a puddle of tears, while the other eye made a weird teardrop fountain around her hed. Must B a family trait. And since I already knew abt Liz/Paul/Susan from this blog, I didn't react with shock, sympathy, and whatevs. But instead, my brain did this weird Patterson thing. It thot, "Speaking of water works..." And @ 1st, I thot, "Y did I just think that?" And I realized, "Oh. Mom had mentioned the shower. And Liz was in tears. Water works."
Gah, this punning program in the Patterson brain, it's really sick, yo. I mean, I shda been wanting 2 help Liz feel better, even tho the breakup wasn't newz. But the whole punning thing kinda overrode NE kinda, like, normal human emotion. And this freaks me out a bit, cuz U know I h8 all the stoopid punning, an' I try 2 resist it. And yet I have moments like that. I hope there is help 4 me.
Apes
Gah, this punning program in the Patterson brain, it's really sick, yo. I mean, I shda been wanting 2 help Liz feel better, even tho the breakup wasn't newz. But the whole punning thing kinda overrode NE kinda, like, normal human emotion. And this freaks me out a bit, cuz U know I h8 all the stoopid punning, an' I try 2 resist it. And yet I have moments like that. I hope there is help 4 me.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Liz, Mom, Paul, stupid puns, Susan
posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM
11 Comments:
At 8:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Although you deny having yelled at mom, you did apologize for it, and mom remembers it quite clearly. According to her you said something like, “I’m the only one who has had to accommodate Mike and Deanna. Liz has had to do nothing, while Mike and Deanna are tearing up the things I bought with my own money in my own room. And now you’re blaming me for the mess that Deanna's mother brought and Mike and Deanna stacked in the rec room. I know you love having everyone in the same house, so you can whip this household into shape by making your chore list, and your shower assignment list, and you can nag everyone to follow it; but you have your own room and your own shower, so it’s not an inconvenience to you. And I really hate it when you and dad keep calling me a spoiled princess, when I am living in a pile of Deanna and Mike’s things, and I have to share everything with 5 other people. Plus, Mike and Deanna are not even trying to find a place to move out. I don’t want to spend the next 2 years living out of the rec room; just because Mike is so in love with living in the same house he grew up in and you are so in love with having him here.”
It’s a good thing you said you were sorry, or mom might have thought you were serious. And obviously, since you didn’t remember saying it, that is even more evidence you were delusional.
As for Liz and her cheating boyfriend, who dumped her; all I can say is, “I told her ‘Absence makes the heart go wander.’” Look who was right about Liz and her love life….again.
When mom heard the Lizardbreath intoning those words, it was as if someone set a little ethnically-approved leprechaun to dance inside her head. Holding the tear-spouting Liz to her chest was like clutching the music of life to her motherly bosom. Mom said she even managed to restrain her normal anger over someone slamming the door. That’s one less suitor to deal with, getting in the way of Elizabeth being married to Anthony Caine. I took it as a good sign; Liz didn’t even bother mentioning the helicopter pilot ex-boyfriend’s emotional assault. Frankly, news of that sort would cause the leprechaun to stop dancing and the music to end for mom.
As for your anger over making a pun, “water works” to “shower” is not very good. I can understand a little of your pain. It’s a lot better when the pun is funny.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I have been trying to find a family in Milborough with more people than 8 in the same house. I don’t think there are any. I found a family of 5 who live in a house that is more than one half smaller than yours. Does that count, for making you feel better?
I don’t want to be mean to your mom; but I see from what you wrote, your mom didn’t apologize, just you. Your mom poured your tea last. Then your mom ignored you to hug your sister. If you need someone to give you a hug, I can do that. And I promise if your sister comes by, I won’t stop hugging you to hug your sister. I brought some tea to school, so I can serve your tea cup first. I will also tell you I am sorry first. I’m sorry. Just like that.
As you can tell, April, when it comes to comforting you, I am the best. I am better than Eva and Gerald, and I am even better than your mom.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:14 AM,
howard said…
April,
I am not sure, but I am fixating on your sister’s need to say, “Paul dumped me for ANOTHER WOMAN.” Is she implying it would have been alright if Paul dumped her for another man? Or she simply pointing out that there was another woman, so that your mother didn’t concentrate on the idea her boyfriend was cheating on her; i.e. there was an extended period of time before Paul told her he was dumping her for another woman. After all, your mother knows Elizabeth was cheated on before, but the idea that a “noble native” would have cheated on Elizabeth might not be palatable to your mother’s concept of First Nations people, so she is candy-coating it by ignoring the cheating part and going straight for the dumping part.
Or, is your sister simply going for the reality of the matter. As near as I can tell from your Blog, your sister and her boyfriend kissed one time and that was the extent of the physical intimacy, and she ran back to Milborough the instant she found out that Anthony Caine was getting divorced; so technically it would be difficult to call any time Paul spent with another woman cheating, with a relationship which was already nonexistent.
I told my thoughts on this matter to Becky and she said, “Patterson allure is starting to get to you again, Howie. I’m getting the chains out.” She may be right.
Howard Bunt
At 9:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, shannon lake is walking around skool w/a pot of tea & a cup lookin' 4u. u might wanna have a visit w/her, so she stops embarrassin' herself.
i dunno wut’s up w/ur sis, but i can tell u 1 thing i wud nevah, evah do is come n2 my house, slam the door, & announce sum girl haz dumped me. normally, wen a girl dumps me, mom hazta take me 2 hospital 2 get sumthin’ stitched up & she can tell frum the blood. or sumtymes, the hospital haz 2 call her up & say, “mrs. jones. ur boy just got dumped again & he’z in the emergency room.” ur sis’ way of doin’ it is kinda foreign 2 me.
At 2:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Amidst all the shrieking and catterwauling going on at your house, you all seem to have forgotten the poor Kelpfroth family, who indeed have something to cry about. As a trained peace officer, I am very good at comforting the downtrodden, and I (alone) have been visiting Mr. and Mrs. K in the local ICU. They complain but little, and ask constantly after your older brother and his family, wistfully wondering why they have never gone to visit them, or even to send a cheap, generic "get well" card. I tried to explain some of the drama being enacted among the Pattersons, but this makes little impression on an elderly couple burned over 60% of their bodies, with little to live for but years of painful skin grafts. Yesterday I was present when the process server arrived with a summons and complaint from the Saltzmans, advising the Kelpfroths they were being sued for $450,000 (Canadian). But, of course, your dim-witted sister's moronic "love life" is far more important. You people make me sick.
At 3:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson,
Beauchamp W. Higginbottom, here. Surely you remember me; I represent Mrs. Iris Richards in her legal matters.
I am greatly interested in the lawsuit pending against Mr. and Mrs. Kelpfroth. Specifically, I am wondering if the Saltzmans are without insurance coverage and that is why they are attempting to extort money out of the gravely injured Kelpfroths. Additionally, I am curious as to the “no-smoking” clause in the lease and why, since it was clearly not enforced, the Kelpfroths are now being sued for a large sum of Canadian money.
I don’t know about you, but I “smell a rat” (to use peace-officer vernacular). If I were you, I would look into the possible connection between the fire, the lack of enforcement to the lease-bound no-smoking policy, and the current financial situation of the Saltzmans. You may find a *very* interesting link.
With all sincerity,
Beauchamp W. Higginbottom. Esq.
At 4:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got called by my aunt Winifred and uncle Melville Kelpfroth over the lawsuit by the Saltzmans. They were very concerned. Since my trial for pulling your sister’s shirt is in all probability going to send me to prison for the rest of my life; they feared the Saltzmans might not be content with $450,000 (CAD) and would require some pounds of flesh in addition to it, and they just don’t have that much flesh left on them.
I called my lawyer, Mr. Benis, and he recommended a good lawyer for dealing with lawsuits, since Mr. Benis’ specialization is criminal law. However, Mr. Benis did say my aunt and uncle would probably be immune to the same kind of treatment I received during my trial because:
a. The fire pushed your brother back into his ancestral home.
b. The fire did not destroy your brother’s novel.
c. The fire did not injure your brother and his family in any way.
d. The fire did not destroy the Ned Tanner doll.
e. The fire made your brother dependent on your mother.
f. The only time any member of your family is likely to have contact with Lovey Saltzman again is if Lovey has a stroke and needs your brother to call 911 for her.
g. The fire caused your house to be crowded which may indirectly push your sister and Anthony Caine together.
h. If my aunt and uncle’s burned and scarred bodies were to appear in any kind of trial situation, it would be difficult for the sympathy to continue to lie with your brother.
As for Sergeant Royalson, if you can call merciless questioning about the arson history of Mrs. Irving 'Pepper' Saltzman, “comfort”, then yes, Sgt. Royalson is good at “comforting.” When he comes to visit, my aunt and uncle ask constantly after your older brother and his family, wistfully wondering why Sgt. Royalson has never gone to visit them to extend them the same “comfort” he is extending to them. The Fire Department seems to be satisfied it is not arson, but Sgt. Royalson says they are a bunch of pansies not used to the rigors of a real investigation, which could take months to complete.
I would like to tell my aunt and uncle Sgt. Royalson is incorrect, but unfortunately, with my trial now going into its fourth month, I would have no evidence to refute his assertion.
Howard Bunt
At 7:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
how weird, mike, i never yelled those things, but i did think them, really hard. mayB mom "heard" my thots sumhow an' thot i was yelling? neway, thoze things i thot were not delusional, they were true.
mike, u just don't get it abt puns. puns r not funny. puns run a range from "bad" thru "worse" thru "awful" and "heinous" and on until u get 2 "oh, my god, no, please no!" i think mine was sumwhere betw "worse" and "awful."
shannon, pls stop trying 2 find crowded-house ppl 2 showcase 2 me. honest, it wdn't help. and u have nothing 2 b sorry abt. thanx 4 trying 2 cheer me up, tho.
howard, i'm confused. wd it have made more sense 4 liz 2 say that paul had dumped her 4 "a woman"? this wd make it sound like liz was not a woman herself. or if she'd sed "another man" it wd sound like liz was a man, 2. i think. if she'd just sed he'd dumped her, ppl wdn't know he'd dumped her 4 sum1 else. or was she just supposta say "4 sum1 else"?
howard, i remember u sed yr aunt an' uncle had checked out of the hospital and moved in2 the new apt their insurance co. helped them get. so y wd sgt. royalson b visiting them in icu? were there other kelpfroths in icu, being sued by salzmans? confused again!
apes
At 9:50 PM,
howard said…
April,
Sergeant Royalson. There is no nice way to say this. However, since it has been almost a month since my aunt and uncle were in the fire, only a fairly ridiculous person would consider them to still be in ICU. Also, considering the nature of my aunt and uncle’s injuries a sensible person might consider it reasonable for my aunt and uncle to be in a burn centre, which specializes in those kinds of things. Even more, a person of some degree of intelligence might be able to distinguish an apartment from an ICU, even though the apartment has some medical equipment in it. And also, for the purposes of arson investigation, most experienced firefighters would tell you that the gathering of clues needs to occur shortly after the fire has cooled down enough to touch the material, otherwise the evidence would be no good in a court of law. However, having met Sergeant Royalson, I am sure that he believes everything he told you. That’s about as nice as I can be about the matter.
Howard Bunt
At 10:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I suppose mom could be experiencing one of those moments of reading other people’s thought balloons. I know she told us growing up, reading other people’s thought was rude, and should only be done in emergency situations; but it’s hard to resist sometimes when the balloons are right there and there isn’t any better reading material. After all, my book isn’t a published bestseller yet.
As for your pun, I think I would agree it was somewhere between “worse” and “awful”, but don’t worry little sis. You will get better at it. Someday, a pun will save your life, or rescue your professional career, or allow you to get revenge on a hated lower neighbour. Then you will know their true power, and why the mastery of the pun is so important to being a Patterson. You’re still young. In the meantime, you could concentrate on cleaning up that mess you have in the rec room. Deanna and I wanted to watch a little quality television there (Canadian Author’s Forum), and you had all those things on the chesterfield. We had to knock it all to the floor before we could get comfortable.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i noticed u didn’t respond 2 me. i guess ur still mad @me cuz i innerrupted u & gerald in skool wen u were havin’ that fite ovah wut thingz wud b considered cheatin’ between a gf & a bf. i know. i know. it wuzn’t a fite. it wuz a discussion of ur future & wut wud happ if u2 ended up @diff universities. it still sounded like a fite 2 me. but that biz ‘bout havin’ a different sex roomm8 in a separate bedroom sounded a little off 2 me.
Post a Comment
<< Home