Yet another bedside story 4 U
4 sum reason, I have this creepy feeling that after 2morrow, I won't B telling U these stories I've been sharing w/U 4 the past three yrs plus abt a month. Sumthing's gonna end, and that'll B it. And if that's true, I'd think I cd @ least get U back 2 the reception in my telling U abt Liz's wedding 6 days ago. But 4 sum reason, I'm stuck telling U sum more abt Liz being in Grandpa Jim's hospital room. I have a feeling ppl R gonna show up @ Lilliput's this morning, buy coffee, and tell Mom that this story made them have tears in their eyes, reminds them of sumthing from their family, makes them wish sumthing or other, U know the drill. And they'll thank Mom a lot, 4 sum reason. I will hafta make sure I stay away from Lilliput's.
NEway, so Liz had sidled up 2 Iris, who was sitting by Grandpa Jim's bedside. Iris was all, "I watch him sleeping, Elizabeth--and I remember when I had babies. ..I watched them like this, you know. I watched them... Like this." And Liz sed, "Yeah, I caught that the first time U sed it, why'd U hafta say it twice?" OK, no she didn't. She went, "I'd like 2 have a baby sumday," as if the idea only just popped in2 her head @ that v. moment. And Iris told her, "I'm sure U will, dear! And U will teach yr little one* abt life and all its complexities, challenges, joys and sorrows... there's so much 2 learn." Then Iris gazed @ Jim all beatifically while laying a hand on his face, saying, "I think I know sumthing abt life, now. It takes corage 2 live life 2 the full, Elizabeth... And yr grandfather has courage." And Liz was all, "Yes, he has courage." Then she placed one hand on Iris's back and told her, "...But, he also has U." And 4 sum reason, Iris went all gobsmacky. MayB cuz Gramps had gone in2 silhouette just then, and Iris might have been worried it was like "the silhouette of death." MayB wherev she comes from, she heard that rite B4 U die, U go in2 silhouette.
Well, I hope I have sumthing different 2 tell U 2morrow. Sumthing not abt the hospital.
Apes
*Gah! "Little one." Don't U hate that expression? I do!
NEway, so Liz had sidled up 2 Iris, who was sitting by Grandpa Jim's bedside. Iris was all, "I watch him sleeping, Elizabeth--and I remember when I had babies. ..I watched them like this, you know. I watched them... Like this." And Liz sed, "Yeah, I caught that the first time U sed it, why'd U hafta say it twice?" OK, no she didn't. She went, "I'd like 2 have a baby sumday," as if the idea only just popped in2 her head @ that v. moment. And Iris told her, "I'm sure U will, dear! And U will teach yr little one* abt life and all its complexities, challenges, joys and sorrows... there's so much 2 learn." Then Iris gazed @ Jim all beatifically while laying a hand on his face, saying, "I think I know sumthing abt life, now. It takes corage 2 live life 2 the full, Elizabeth... And yr grandfather has courage." And Liz was all, "Yes, he has courage." Then she placed one hand on Iris's back and told her, "...But, he also has U." And 4 sum reason, Iris went all gobsmacky. MayB cuz Gramps had gone in2 silhouette just then, and Iris might have been worried it was like "the silhouette of death." MayB wherev she comes from, she heard that rite B4 U die, U go in2 silhouette.
Well, I hope I have sumthing different 2 tell U 2morrow. Sumthing not abt the hospital.
Apes
*Gah! "Little one." Don't U hate that expression? I do!
Labels: gobsmackery, Gramps, Iris, Liz, trying to be wise
posted by April Patterson @ 7:07 AM
12 Comments:
At 8:18 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
I'd like to think that we wouldn't be at the hospital tomorrow but it seems obvious that ObliviLiz will talk about the pointless convo she had with Antbrain. How many variations of the phrase picky-face did the idjit use when you objected?
At 9:05 AM,
April Patterson said…
picky-face, particular-visage, persnickety-mug, hypercritical-countenance, meticulous-physiognomy, finicky-aspect, fastidious-muzzle, fussy-moue. there mite have been more, but i stopped listening. anthony has an online thesaurus bookmarked on his crackberry.
apes
At 9:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, so this wut ur sis wuz doin’ w/ur grandpa jim, eh? well, i guess that xxplainz y it took so long 4 her & anthony 2 get 2 the reception. i think it also kinda xxplainz that speech she made @the reception, u know the1 where she went:
“i have a lot 2 thank my grandpa jim 4. i saw him in hospital courageously sleepin’ w/a whole lotta courage & i realized that i will have the courage 2 have a child sumday. all thanx 2 grandpa jim.” & then little françoise sed, “u have me now.” & then ur sis sed, “& i will teach my little 1 ‘bout life & all its complexities, joys & sorrows, cuz there’s so much 2 learn.” & then little françoise sed, “like wut?” & then ur sis sed, “it takes courage 2 live life to the full.” & then little françoise sed, “i know that means 2 live life 2 the greatest extent. so ur sayin’ like livin’ the longest? if u have courage u live longer.” & then ur sister sed, “courage & a helper.” & then little françoise sed, “oh, like my daddy. so u wanna live long & thass y u married daddy?” & then ur sister sed, “no a helper like iris, not like ur daddy.” & then little françoise sed, “oh. u mean an old lady 2 take care of u.” & then ur sister sed, “rite. courage & an old lady 2 take care of u. then u can live life 2 the full.” & then little françoise sed, “y can’t it b an old man?” &ur sis sed, “cuz thass not old man work. old men sit ‘round & do nothin’.” & then little françoise sed, “y not? daddy takes care of me.” & ur sis sed, “thass my job now.” & then little françoise sed, “y? daddy iz good @it.” & ur sis sed, “he haz a wife 2 do that now.” & then little françoise sed, “y wud he wunt u2 do that? all the tyme, he sez my mom wuz terrible @it. & i know u asked ur mom 2 take care of me, like she duz merrie & robin.” & ur sis sed, “STOP!!” & then little françoise sed, “erp!” & that wuz the end of that convo.
At 10:46 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that's why i mentioned 2 u that bad things happen when liz tries 2 b wise. like that speech u quoted. that just made me feel embarrassed 4 liz and worried 4 poor lil francie.
apes
At 11:10 AM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so jeremy asked me 2 help transcribe sum of the video greetings he took during the reception. i was kinda surprised when i watched this. it has thérèse sitting w/a gorgeous guy. here's what was sed:
jeremy: u look familiar. i think i've seen pictures of u on elly patterson's web site. r u thérèse caine?
thérèse: i was thérèse caine, but after divorcing anthony, i went back 2 being thérèse arsenault.
jeremy: my gf, april, sent out the invitations, so i'm surprised she didn't mention sending one 2 u.
thérèse: well, i did notice that the writing on the envelope was anthony's handwriting. he must have gotten ahold of an invitation and sent it himself w/out telling ne1. he did the same thing when my mother and i were sending out invitations 4 our wedding, only then he invited elizabeth patterson.
jeremy: i'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. do u have nething 2 say 2 the couple?
thérèse: i think they are just perfect 4 each other! i'm glad that they got 2gether, b-cuz ne relationships they wd have had w/others wd have been sabotaged. this minimizes the carnage. btw, this is my boyfriend guillaume meilleux. he's wonderful!
guillaume: aw, u embarrass me! u're pretty wonderful yrself! btw, thérèse and i r getting married next summer.
thérèse: but not on august 23. i cdn't imagine recycling my 1st wedding d8.
guillaume: no, that wd b terribly tacky! who does that?
thérèse: what's 2day's d8, guillaume?
guillaume: oh, rite.
thérèse: well, despite everything, i do wish the happy couple the best. btw, they can expect to hear from my attorney. we need to revisit visitation.
apes
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i have anothah transcription 4 ur blog. these r kinda fun 2 do. here's what wuz sed:
Me: I’m recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
Adam Dingle: I really don’t know them. I just drove my mom here. She’s in the washroom right now. The bride’s brother, Mike saved my mom’s life a few years ago and she really came to see him. I think the groom used to rent from her. I’m really just waiting for this reception to be over, so I can drive her back home. I thought we’d already be driving back by now, but the bride and groom haven’t even shown up yet. It’s weird.
Roger Arsenault: Pretty typical for the groom, I would say.
Adam Dingle: You know him?
Roger Arsenault: I was his father-in-law for 3 miserable years. Sorry to interrupt. I know we’re just sharing this table, but I had to say something.
Adam Dingle: That’s OK. I don’t know him at all. I’ve just never been to a wedding where the bride and groom run off.
Roger Arsenault: Anthony Caine is all about escaping responsibility, and it doesn’t look like his bride is any better.
Lene Arsenault: Let’s be nice, dear. We’re not really here for the wedding. We’re here for Françoise. She’s our granddaughter. She was one of the flower girls.
Adam Dingle: Which one?
Roger Arsenault: The one in back, without the collagen lip injections.
Lene Arsenault: Our granddaughter is getting a new mother today, and we are here to show her our support and acceptance.
Agnes Dingle: That’s their way of saying they weren’t invited, but they should have been. I’m Agnes Dingle. You taking the video for the bride and groom?
Me: Yes. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
Agnes Dingle: Sure I do. Anthony Caine. It’s a good thing the bar is open, if you’re going to keep us waiting for the food, Anthony. I remember listening to you whine about Liz Patterson the whole time you roomed with me back in university and I’m glad you finally got off your soddin’ ass and did something about it, aside from whining. And I mean that with all my love. Congratulations, boy!
Roger Arsenault: You were Anthony’s landlady at Western?
Agnes Dingle: Yes. What’s it to you?
Roger Arsenault: I am Roger Arsenault and this is my wife, Lene.
Agnes Dingle: Arsenault. That name sounds familiar to me. Do you make Arsenault laxatives?
Roger Arsenault: Yes. Yes, that’s one of my companies.
Agnes Dingle: Well, I’ll be. That is one of my favourite products. You see, Anthony Caine got me into fostering kittens for the No-Kill Cat Shelter, but sometimes that cat fur gets into bad places and I need a good laxative. I always says whenever I want to take a shit, I needs me an Arsenault.
Adam Dingle: Please pardon my mother. She sometimes uses colourful language.
Roger Arsenault: No apologies are necessary. I take pride in a product that receives such an enthusiastic endorsement. However, I was more interested in something you said about Anthony Caine.
Agnes Dingle: He got me into fostering kittens?
Roger Arsenault: No.
Agnes Dingle: He used to rent a room from me in university?
Roger Arsenault: No.
Agnes Dingle: He’s finally marrying the girl he whined about in university?
Roger Arsenault: Yes. That’s the one. You see, my daughter was engaged to Anthony Caine when they were both together at Western.
Agnes Dingle: Oh, you’re that Arsenault. Well, sorry to bring that one up. I wouldn’t have done it if we were introduced proper.
Roger Arsenault: I understand. My apologies. We should have introduced ourselves when we sat down.
Lene Arsenault: I’m Lene Arsenault, Thérèse’s mother and Françoise’s grandmother.
Agnes Dingle: Well, I’m pleased to meet you, I am. This here’s my son, Adam. Now your daughter is Thérèse. She is a beauty. I saw her sitting over there and she’s still beautiful. Some girls go through an ugly divorce and they look like a cat drug them through a plate of old sardines. Not your daughter. Still pretty. She came by the house sometimes back when she was at Western and she would play my old piano. Anthony and his roommate Glenn couldn’t play worth anything, but your daughter…I loved it when she came over, like an angel had dropped into the sewer to clean things up.
Lene Arsenault: You are so kind. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
Agnes Dingle: It was. I rented to university boys. They were all slobs. I didn’t mind so much, as long as they paid their rent on time and took me out for drinks on Thursdays.
Lene Arsenault: You went out with university boys?
Agnes Dingle: I’m old, but I’m not dead. But it wasn’t anything dirty, like you’re thinking. Just a couple of stout ales and a couple games of darts. I see your daughter is coming over.
Lene Arsenault: Thérèse! This must be so tough for you. How are you holding up?
Thérèse Arsenault: Comme ci, comme ça. Françoise knows I am here, and so she knows I am not angry about the marriage. That is what is important.
Agnes Dingle: It’s good for the mum to do that.
Thérèse Arsenault: Agnes!! How have you been? It’s been so long.
Agnes Dingle: I had a stroke.
Thérèse Arsenault: I heard.
Agnes Dingle: I live in an apartment in the senior’s block and my son, Adam got a posting in Ontario just to be near me and check on me. He’s such a good son.
Adam Dingle: Don’t pinch my cheeks mom.
Thérèse Arsenault: This is my fiancé, Guillaume Meilleux.
Guillaume Meilleux: Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Arsenault
Roger Arsenault: I can’t believe you did this.
Thérèse Arsenault: Did what?
Roger Arsenault: Bring Guillaume Meilleux here.
Thérèse Arsenault: I can bring my fiancé if I want.
Roger Arsenault: He’s not your fiancé. He’s your dance instructor. It’s disgraceful to come to your ex-husband’s wedding just to show off on the dance floor.
Thérèse Arsenault: He’s my fiancé and you should mind your own business. Don’t you have a sexual harassment lawsuit to keep you occupied?
Roger Arsenault: It’s been settled. I have learned my lesson. I’d like you to come back to work for me. An Arsenault should be running the family business.
Thérèse Arsenault: I am not going to be your public demonstration that you promote women. You deserved that lawsuit. You’re lucky I didn’t add my name to it.
Lene Arsenault: Thérèse, please. Your father has been through so much.
Thérèse Arsenault: I am a Corporate Account Manager at Global Investments, and I don’t need daddy’s approval for whom I marry.
Agnes Dingle: Thérèse. So, you are going to marry this nice young man, Guillaume. He is easy on these old eyes.
Guillaume Meilleux: Merci. Thérèse. Red alert. Look who’s coming.
Thérèse Arsenault: Merde.
Agnes Dingle: Glenn! You are a good-looking best man.
Glenn Dennis: Mrs. Dingle! And Adam is here too! I thought I saw you from up front.
Adam Dingle: Hi, Glenn.
Agnes Dingle: You just got here?
Glenn Dennis: Well, we were hanging around the park for Anthony and Liz to come back for the pictures, then the mother of the bride announced that the grandfather of the bride had a heart attack.
Agnes Dingle: Blimey!
Lene Arsenault: Oh dear!
Glenn Dennis: So, Anthony and Liz are at hospital and the rest of us came here to the reception. Anthony and Liz are supposed to meet us here, eventually.
Thérèse Arsenault: Guillaume. I think we better not…
Guillaume Meilleux: No fancy dancing when a grandfather has a heart attack. We can save that for a New Years’ Eve party where the bride and groom happen to be.
Glenn Dennis: What? Thérèse what are you up to?
Thérèse Arsenault: Nothing. Just a little payback.
Glenn Dennis: You said you weren’t going to do this.
Thérèse Arsenault: I did not.
Roger Arsenault: I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I am Roger Arsenault and this is my wife Lene.
Glenn Dennis: Oh, I’m Glenn Dennis, the best man. We met before when I was the best man at Anthony’s first wedding to Thérèse. Remember? I roomed with Anthony back at Western at Mrs. Dingle’s house. Have you met her?
Agnes Dingle: We’ve met. It’s so sad about the grandfather. Is he all right?
Glenn Dennis: It’s hard to tell. The mother of the bride says he’s OK, but she keeps making death jokes.
Adam Dingle: That’s creepy.
Agnes Dingle: I’ve been at death’s door before. It’s no laughing matter, unless you’re the one dying, then you can say whatever you sodding want.
Glenn Dennis: Ha ha ha! I miss living with you Mrs. Dingle. You always made me laugh.
Agnes Dingle: So what are you up to these days, Glenn?
Glenn Dennis: Well, after university I got a job with Global Investments, and I work there as a Corporate Account Manager.
Adam Dingle: I think I heard someone else at the wedding say they worked at Global Investments. Let me think who it was.
Agnes Dingle: Don’t mind Adam. So, Glenn, what does a corporate account manager do?
Glenn Dennis: A corporate account manager or a CAM is responsible for maintaining the relationship between the clients of a value-added reseller or a VAR and the VAR. A CAM is responsible for an entire portfolio of client relationships in multiple locations and serves as the primary contact for the client.
Agnes Dingle: I didn’t understand a word of that. Can someone translate for me?
Thérèse Arsenault: It’s a sales job with a lot of people involved.
Agnes Dingle: Oh, that’s clearer. Thank you dear.
Lene Arsenault: Is this that Glenn?
Roger Arsenault: What do you mean? What is going on here?
Thérèse Arsenault: Mother. This topic of discussion is taboo. Especially here. Especially with my father here. Jeremy! Having you been videoing this whole thing?
Me: Yes. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
Thérèse Arsenault: I already did that. Why don’t you move along to another table?
Me: But I didn’t get comments from everyone.
Thérèse Arsenault: Move! Now!
Me: OK.
At 4:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
I want to thank you for the nice wedding gift after I was let out of prison and Beatrice and I got married again for the first time. It seems strange to know that history was rewritten on me, but I find that I am starting to remember things from my time in prison, and I feel a real remorse from having attacked your sister in public back in August, 2005. I realize now that you have started doing your Blog just a little before then. I was in a bad place back then. I am so lucky that Beatrice has a kind heart and forgiving spirit. I don’t know how I would have made it through prison without her and the girls and their regular visits.
Some of my old army buddies came by and congratulated me for my wedding. And I had a surprise visit from Gordon Mayes. As you may recollect, Gordon’s son Paul and my new step-daughter María are engaged to be married. When Gordon showed up, I was certain he had heard about my rewritten history as an ex-army man who attacks women in public places, and he was going to call off the wedding. As it turned out, it was nothing of the sort. He brought by a wedding gift for me and the Beatrice…a brand, new Crevasse mini-van.”
As Gordon puts it, “With gas prices the way they are these days, I thought I couldn’t give these gas-guzzlers away, and then I remembered I can!” I can tell you, April, there is nothing like riding in a brand new car, made in Canada, by Canadians and for Canadians. That is a rare breed of vehicle.
Of course, we talked about your sister’s wedding and all the strange things that went on. And I happened to say, “Gordon, after my history was rewritten, I was pretty sure had come over to break off the wedding between Paul and María. I was so happy you were not.” Then Gordon said very soberly, “Howard. You are not the only one to be suffering because of rewritten history. There was a time when I could look at my business with a sense of pride. I went from being a garage mechanic to owning a car dealership, garage and a restaurant.” I said, “And all without a single university degree.” Gordon said, “Exactly. Hard work and ingenuity overcame all my disadvantages. I didn’t become an alcoholic who beat my kids and wife, like my dad was. I worked hard and it paid off.”
I said, “Don’t tell me you’re an alcoholic now?” Gordon said, “No, Howard. But I have had my pride stripped from me. I used to be a man, who made good business decisions and hired the right people to do them. After history was rewritten, I get my employees from references from other people, and the employees are responsible for all the great ideas for my business. They put it all together. They find the investors. They find the financing. Everything is their idea. Nothing from me. I am just the poor schlep who happens to employ them and I take advantage of their superiour knowledge and skill.” I said, “Gordon, I am so sorry.” Gordon said, “Don’t worry about it. The person who rewrote the history is an idiot. Think about the wealthiest car dealers you have ever heard of, Howard.” I said, “OK.” He said, “Now how many of them made a fortune with only one dealership, a garage, and a tiny restaurant?” I said, “Most of them have more than one dealership, like several. Restaurants and garages usually break even.”
Gordon said, “That’s right. So why am I so rich? Is it because of these smart people I hired and all their brilliant ideas to buy a dealer\ship?” I said, “Probably not.” Gordon said, “Did you know I got 6 limousines for the wedding? Six!” I said, “That seems like overkill. I did kind of wonder about that.” Gordon says, “When you buy more than you need and it doesn’t cost you anything, what kind of operation is that usually?” I said, “Judging from what I heard in prison, probably money laundering.” Gordon said, “You’re a good thinker, Howard. A survivor.” I said, “How do you get that?” Gordon said, “Can you think of any other character in Milborough, with such a limited part, who gets mentioned again and again, all the way to the very end? After all, it’s one thing to rewrite my history. I’ve been around. But you’re a nothing. A one note character. And yet you get rewritten again and again. That means you’re special.”
I said, “I guess you’re right, when you put it that way.” Gordon said, “I could use a man like you in my limousine rental business. I think a merger of Bunt and Mayes might be more than just between our son and daughter.” I said, “I would have to talk to my wife and kids.” Gordon said, “Absolutely. You know the one thing that does separate me from every other person in Milborough?” I said, “Your family?” Gordon said, “That’s right. My children are well-behaved and do well in school. My wife is the envy of every man in town.” I said, “Because she works hard?” Gordon said, “No. Because she doesn’t shriek and nag and make a big deal over nothing. Do you know how rare that is for a woman in Milborough?” I said, “Pretty rare, from what I can tell.” Gordon said, “You talk to your family, and see if you want to work for me. I like man with a decent family.”
So, my family and I have a decision to make. Should I work for Gordon Mayes or not? There is also a possible job with Caine Accounting. Lots of things to think about.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 4:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Are you still talking about the wedding and Liz’s hospital visit with Grandpa Jim? That was over days ago. I can’t believe you wrote up something about one of Iris’ rambles on the meaning of life. I know when she starts with that and I am around, I start getting serious thoughts about ritual suicide. No kidding. If that’s the best you can come up with to write about, then maybe you really should stop doing this Blog. In fact, I would go so far as to say, if this was the best any person, even a comic strip writer, could come up with, they should stop writing, until they can come up with something better.
If you have to keep going on about the wedding, you should at least put something interesting in, like the lyrics to your song you wrote and sang, or the text for my speech. Either of those is far more interesting. I will admit that your song did have some unique rhymes for “Elizabeth”, like “cerebral death”. That was certainly different, and given the blank look on Elizabeth’s face for much of the reception, it seemed shockingly appropriate. Good work, little sis.
By the way, Deanna has started cleaning the sewing stuff out of the guest bedroom for you to move in with us on Monday. Not only does Deanna not want to see anything to do with sewing for awhile, but it will provide you a refuge, if mom truly goes forth with her plan to relive the last 30 years starting from the beginning. Now you see, I just realized there is something worse than listening to Iris discuss her philosophy of life, and that’s mom reliving her past.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, wow, 2 job offers. that's awesum! i guess u have a big decision 2 make.
mike, i mite just stop doing my blog, possibly monday. i haven't decided yet.
oh, and i transcribed sum more from jeremy's videos of the guests at the reception.
the footage closed in on this one table where there were 3 ppl, a guy who looks a lot like dad, but w/a smaller nose and more crooked teeth. he had on a huge, polka-dotted bowtie, a shirt that had thin red vertical stripes on a white background, suspenders, and a hunter-green suit. then, there was a guy who's mayB 3 yrs older than mike, and kinda looks like mike, only w/darker hair, a heftier build, and also a mustache and a beard. the 3rd person was a woman who's maybe 3.5 to 4 yrs older than liz, and kinda looks like her, but w/stylish glasses and a more artsy vibe.
the dadlike guy is the first 2 speak. he asks jeremy what he's doing.
jeremy: i'm recording video greetings from guests to liz and anthony. u all look v. familiar 2 me, but i don't think we've met. what r yr names?
dadlike guy: we wd prefer not 2 disclose our names. u may use our initials. u may call me "rj," my son "aj," and my daughter "kj."
jeremy: aj and kj. that rhymes!
rj: ha! u're rite, it does.
aj: do not get him started on anything that's remotely close 2 wordplay.
kj: listen 2 him. he knows what he's talking abt!
jeremy: so, bride's side or groom's side?
rj: oh, well, neither, actually. this is a somewhat--unusual situation. the terms of my divorce stipulated that i had 2 attend this wedding. b-cuz the ceremony and the speeches wd have some v. pted messages directed 2 me.
jeremy: yr divorce. who is yr ex?
rj: oh, i'd prefer not 2 say. if i disclose that, u'll figure out my identity, as well as the identity of my children.
jeremy: ok. so, pted messages 4 rj. what abt aj and kj?
aj: apparently, michael patterson's speech is supposed to teach me sumthing abt sons who xxpress gratitude for their mothers, who have sacrificed so much 4 them, from birth thru adulthood.
jeremy: wow. and kj?
kj: i'm supposed 2 learn that good girls listen 2 their parents... or, well, in my case, i guess just my mother, when it comes 2 choosing a husband.
jeremy: oh, u're married?
kj: nope. wd u b, under the circumstances?
jeremy: hm. gd pt. ne1 have a message 4 the happy couple?
rj: well, i admit i think anthony is quite an appealing young man. i can't explain why i have such a pleasant impression of him. on the other hand, i wd never encourage my daughter to marry a guy who reminds her of me, like the pattersons encouraged liz to marry a guy who reminds her of john. that's creepy.
kj: totally. ew.
rj: let's c. i'd like to wish the couple the best. if either of them seems 2 b drifting off in2 a fantasy world, i highly recommend that they deal w/that situation directly and promptly. don't let it build up over the course of decades! and anthony, make sure u keep yr abs firm. don't let yr stomach muscles relax, or else liz mite make fun of u sumday. in a book, a column, or maybe a comic strip. i can show u a few specific exercises. [gets up]
jeremy: erm, mayB later, rj. ne thoughts from aj or kj?
aj: move. i highly recommend vancouver.
kj: i cdn't agree more. liz, if u're far away from elly patterson, u have a better chance 2 avoid becoming elly v.2.0. i strongly encourage u not 2 b-come elly v.2.0. tho, if she needs emotional support one summer, it'd b ok 2 come out and work w/her. for like 3 months or so.
jeremy: aj, i think mike is abt 2 start his speech. i guess i shd let u listen.
aj: i h8 michael patterson.
jeremy: almost every1 does.
At 8:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, back 2 skool on tuesday. can u believe summer is almost ovah? luis sez hiz university starts sept 8, so he gets an xxtra week. i'll b glad, cuz then my step-sis will b outa my room & back 2 trinity & i get my room back. u know, if ur mom iz still doin' that "remember & perfect the past" thing she talked 'bout by the 8th, i think u shud move in w/me permanent 4 grade 12. mom sez it’s ok. actually wut mom sez is, “jeremy, u’ve been d8in’ april almost a year now & u haven’t been put in hospital, so i think it’s safe.” mom wud still like me 2b married 1st, but she knows ur a special case wen it comez 2 gfs, cuz of all the stuff w/ur fam.
i know wut u mite b thinkin’ & it will look bad if we live 2gethah. but u know gordon & tracey mayes did, mainly so gordon cud get away frum hiz alcoholic dad. & rilly, wen u think ‘bout it, iz ur mom “remembering & perfectin’ her past” better or worse than an alcoholic father who beats u every nite? i don’t think ne1 will blame u. but if ne1 duz, then we can just say we’re engaged. lotsa mboro peeps get engaged @the beginnin’ of grade 12, so they’re reddy 4 a weddin’ aftah graduation. i’ll get a ring & we can pretend. aftah all, if ur bro & sis can pretend they aren’t married, then we can prolly pretend we r engaged. unless, u wud like 2 get engaged 4 real. then thass diff. we’d hafta do ring-shoppin’ & stuff & not ovah ur lunch break.
w8. sorry. stop. i know thass 2 fast. i alreddy know u don’t wanna do that cuz it’s way 2 early. u have 7 years of vet skool @guelph & i still hafta c if i can get n2 guelph. a lot can happ in the next 8 years.
there iz sumthin’ i needta say ‘bout ur sis’ weddin’. i don’t think i can tell u how much this meanz 2 me, but wen ur sis had her weddin’ & we danced in the conga line 2gethah @the reception, i knew ur the 1 for me. evn w/ur sis runnin’ ‘round & screamin’ “yaah!! turn off that conga musick!! i h8 conga!!” it didn’t bothah me. i saw u dancin’ the conga & holdin’ up ur front so ur bridesmaid dress wud stay up & i knew. i know ur the 1. i luv u. i think i alwayz have. i think i alwayz will. &evn if u decide u wanna b w/sum othah guy @guelph or wherevah, i wunt u2 know, rite here & rite now, ur the 1. thass not gonna evah change. i wud rilly luv it, if u moved in w/me.
At 9:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i luv u, 2! i wd luv 2 live w/u, and i don't think mom will even notice! i don't think ne1 will blame us 4 living 2gether, given all the circumstances. but if ppl give us trub, then we can decide whether we wanna get a ring. if we do, i think we shd just do a fake engagement, @ least while we r still in hi-school. then we cd just get a fake ring 4 cheap. real rings r expen$ive!
and u can totally get in2 guelph!
apes
At 6:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
michael_patterson,
By the way, Deanna has started cleaning the sewing stuff out of the guest bedroom for you to move in with us on Monday. Not only does Deanna not want to see anything to do with sewing for awhile, but it will provide you a refuge, if mom truly goes forth with her plan to relive the last 30 years starting from the beginning. Now you see, I just realized there is something worse than listening to Iris discuss her philosophy of life, and that’s mom reliving her past.
That's mighty decent of you and I agree with your assessment of things with this one proviso. There's something worse than Iris talking about life or your mom rehashing the past: the speculation of a minor character about your distant future. You'll probably be outraged to see what you're supposed to become.
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