April's Real Blog: Endings to stories

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

Labels: Anthony, Dad, Françoise, Gramps, Grandma Marian, Iris, Liz, Mom, Robin

8 Comments:

At 9:22 AM, DreadedCandiru2 said…

Your mother heard what she wanted to, sadly enough. Anthony probably parroted what Iris said and, well, since he didn't say that Jim was about to die, your mom interpreted that to mean she could CHOMP!CHEW!SLUCK! down the food with the understanding that he'd be there afterwards. What a tool.
At 3:15 PM, howard said…

April,

I think I can finally tell you what happened to me yesterday. My wife, Beatrice, came up to me with a sad look on her face. She told me that she got a phone call to go to the History Rewrite Office of the Johnston Institute for Better Living – Milborough branch. This was bad news and I dreaded what was coming; but I knew I could face it with Beatrice at my side.

When we got to the office, the secretary, a nice lady named Liuba said for us to sit down and get comfortable, because it would take awhile for them to finish with the people ahead of us. Sure enough we could hear shouting through the doors, and it was difficult to concentrate on anything else. I tried talking to Beatrice, or reading your brother’s latest article for his column in the Milborough Daily Shopper; but I could not. Here is what I heard:

First Voice: OK. This is the situation. You both come from the families of wealthy businessmen, but you are your own man and you decide you don’t want to work for your father or your future father-in-law the first. You want to keep the job your future father-in-law the second gets for you out of pity because you have no money to take his daughter out on dates.

Second Voice: How am I my own man again? Don’t I ever apply for a job and earn it on my own merits?

First Voice: No. You are your own man because after you get that first job, you turn down your future father-in-law the first when he offers to give you his business, and you turn down your father when he offers to hire you.

Second Voice: Wait! Wait! The father, whose acceptance I have always tried to get, offers me a job showing he accepts me, and I turn him down? I plan to marry Thérèse and her father wants me to take over his business, and I turn him down? So, turning down jobs shows I am my own man? What? So, I am stuck in my first job forever, even when I get much better job offers? Am I supposed to be some kind of idiot?

First Voice: No. You do such an excellent job with the first job, the boss gives you lots of promotions. You go from being an accountant to the manager of the whole business.

Second Voice: I turn down the great job offers, but when I am offered a position that is not even what I have been trained to do, this I don’t turn down. How am I my own man again?

First Voice: Well, you know the big expansion where Gordon goes from being a auto garage owner to being a car dealership owner?

Second Voice: Yes?

First Voice: You mastermind the whole thing. And you do it when you’re still in university working for Gordon part time. You even get your father and your step-grandfather to invest.

Second Voice: Not John Patterson.

First Voice: Him too.

Second Voice: Gordon Mayes didn’t expand to Mayes Midtown Motors until 2005 and I graduated in 2003, so how is that going to work with the timing?

First Voice: Forget the timing.

Third Voice: It’s going to be just like last year when I went from having Françoise before we moved into Gordon’s house to having her after we moved into Gordon’s house. These people don’t care about continuity.

Second Voice:So, the whole business of “Gordon is successful, even though I am the one with the degree” is…

First Voice: Completely gone.

Second Voice: How about my plan to expand the coffee shop into a nice restaurant?

First Voice: Tracey Mayes comes up with that idea.

Second Voice: What you are saying is that Gordon Mayes, super businessman, doesn’t actually have any of the great ideas that made him a success.

First Voice: What’s important is making you look good. Everyone loves Gordon because he’s fat and jolly. It’s you the people hate.

Fourth Voice: Speaking as Anthony and Elizabeth, did you have to interrupt our honeymoon for this? Isn’t it already too late to be rewriting history? We’re already married, so who cares if people hate Anthony, I mean Anthony and Elizabeth?

First Voice: I was supposed to have this history rewrite 3 weeks ago, but that doesn’t matter. It’s here now.

Second Voice:Here’s the question. If I am supposed to be this business genius, and I get the capital to turn Gordon into a super car dealer, then why am I working for him? He should be working for me.

First Voice: You are satisfied just having work that you like.

Second Voice: Those things do not match. If the work that I like causes people to make a fortune, then why can’t one of those people making a fortune be me?

First Voice: That’s not the way it works.

Third Voice: I have a question. Why in the world would I ever want to work for my father, when it is obvious he will never accept me because of my gender?

First Voice: You hope you will convince him of your worth with hard work.

Third Voice: Merde! I should have stayed working for Anthony’s dad. He appreciates me. My father just wants me to make boy babies, and every day I am not making boy babies, he gets more upset. It doesn’t matter how hard I work, when he doesn’t want me to work at all.

First Voice: When you realize that, you will decide you want to have a baby.

Third Voice: No I wouldn’t. I would go to work for Anthony’s dad. I did that before and he loved it.

First Voice: It is important that having the baby is your idea, and Anthony is not pressuring you to do it. We have to correct the idea that Anthony made a deal with you about taking care of the baby, in order to get you to have one.

Second Voice: I think that’s still in the history.

First Voice: But not until after she is already pregnant. If you didn’t make the agreement before she was pregnant, then it doesn’t count.

Third Voice: So, agreements with pregnant women don’t count?

First Voice: Not if the only reason you are doing it is to help with your depression. You see, it makes Anthony look bad if he used that agreement to get you to agree to have a child. He doesn’t look nearly as bad if he uses that agreement in order to make you feel better after you’re already pregnant.

Fourth Voice: Personally, I always keep my promises, no matter when they are made. After all, I did go back to Mtigwaki, like I said I would. Speaking as Anthony and Elizabeth, why is there so little of our romance in this history? You completely skipped over the whole business with Dawn writing a note and eating it, and how wonderful dancers Dennis North and I were, and how Anthony jumped in my car for the test drive, or how Anthony and I went to the restaurant and compared our compatibility lists. Those were great romantic moments.

First Voice: It is not important how good your romance with Anthony is. It is important how bad Anthony’s romance is with Thérèse.

Third Voice: All right, that makes no sense. He loves Elizabeth because she is nerdy and wears glasses like he does. But with me, our backgrounds are similar, we go dancing all the time, and I can literally play the piano and sing him into my arms. What does Miss Frumpy over there have?

Fourth Voice: That’s Mrs. Frumpy, to you. With me, Anthony can dress and eat like a pig. I will never try to change him, and I have a feeling I am going to make boy babies.

Third Voice: That’s low, even for you. You chase after every good-looking thing that comes your way. I notice this history leaves out how she had her old boyfriend in her apartment when she was engaged, and how after she fondled him, the old boyfriend told him he would be waiting in the wings when the marriage failed. You only went for Anthony after your relationship failed with every other guy.

Fourth Voice: That’s not true. I left Mtigwaki as soon as I found out Anthony was divorced, and my Indian boyfriend was really hot.

First Voice: We’ve been over this before. You left Mtigwaki because you were homesick.

Fourth Voice: Homesick for Anthony.

First Voice: Homesick for your family. Your sick nephew. Your disobedient sister. Your dying grandfather.

Fourth Voice: Yeah! Well I never spent any time with them. I spent time with Anthony. So there!

First Voice: Perfectly innocent time spent with Anthony, while you remained faithful and loyal to your boyfriend you left in the Northwest.

Third Voice: Innocent. Look, if a man and woman are all over each other in public, they are not innocent. Just because they don’t have sex, or don’t kiss, doesn’t mean they are innocent.

Fourth Voice: I think it does.

Second Voice: Me too.

Third Voice: Well you would. Did you ever tell Elizabeth about dating Jeannette in university before you dated me?

Fourth Voice: Jeannette. That blonde bimbo Jeannette? You dated Jeannette? You told me you only dated Thérèse. I asked if you had been dating anyone and you said you hadn’t.

Second Voice: Nothing happened. It was just a couple of dates. Besides she reminded me too much of you, and I would rather have been dating you, so it doesn’t count. It’s the same as when I dated Candace. Candace didn’t count because I really wanted to be with you. In fact, I think I could say that about my whole marriage to Thérèse.

First Voice: Exactly, but let’s move on. We still have to cover the important parts about the attack. First of all, Thérèse tells Anthony their marriage is all over before Anthony says, “I have no home” to Elizabeth. Second, Thérèse tell Anthony’s mom to come and babysit for him, so it is not his idea for her to do that.

Second Voice: What? Why is that important?

First Voice: It makes you coming by Lakeshore Landscaping to see Elizabeth seem less premeditated. In this history, you seek to talk to her about the things Thérèse said to upset you, and not to convince her to cheat on Thérèse with you. That just happens by accident.

Third Voice: If I hated Anthony so much, then why would I send his mother over to babysit for him? Wouldn’t that show I still loved him?

First Voice: Your motivation is unimportant. What is important is that Anthony must look good and he can’t look good if he comes off as a stalker.

Fourth Voice: How are you going to get around the “I have no home” speech and the “Wait” speech in the park?

First Voice: After Anthony takes you home, you suggest going to the park from there.

Fourth Voice: Me? I suggest it? And the “I have no home” speech and the “Wait” speech?

First Voice: Anthony is overwhelmed by his emotions and he apologizes for doing it.

Fourth Voice: And I react with?

First Voice: You compliment him for protecting you and you reference dialogue from an old movie. You say to him, "Gosh, I sound like one of those eyelash-fluttering damsels in the old movies. I believe your next line is 'Shucks, ma'am, that warn't nothin'."

Fourth Voice: What’s that from?

First Voice: Like one of those John Wayne Westerns.

Fourth Voice: Who’s John Wayne?

First Voice: Everyone knows who John Wayne is.

Third Voice: Not me.

Second Voice: Me either.

First Voice: Dammit! When did John Wayne die? Liuba can you look that up for me?

Liuba: Wikipedia says 1979.

First Voice: Dammit! Why did she ever think a John Wayne Western would work in a modern rape scene?

Fourth Voice: Maybe I could do a line from City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold. That’s a Western I saw.

Second Voice: How about Wild Wild West with Will Smith? I liked that one.

Third Voice: I think you were the only one who did.

First Voice: No! No! No! Liuba, is Howard Bunt here yet?

Liuba: He’s here.

First Voice: Send him in.

Then Liuba motioned to me to come in. We walked in the room and saw your sister, Anthony, Thérèse, and a woman who bears a strong resemblance to your Auntie Bev.

Bev-woman: OK. Howard. We have a new history for you.

Me: Great.

Bev-woman: You assault Elizabeth in Lakeshore Landscaping, and Anthony flings you to the ground, hammering you into cringing submission and pinning you hard.

Me: That pinning me hard isn't a sexual thing is it?

Bev-woman: No!

Beatrice: I thought the assault didn’t happen.

Bev-woman: It always happened.

Beatrice: Back in August, it was not mentioned when history was changed.

Bev-woman: It happened. Plus Howard is now ex-army.

Me: Wait! Why am I ex-army?

Bev-woman: To make Anthony look better. He beats you into submission, even though you are ex-army, to show how much he loves and will protect Elizabeth against an obviously bigger and stronger opponent.

Anthony: There is proof I love Elizabeth for all the doubters.

Me: So, I am an ex-army guy who assaults women in public places and I can be beaten by that bean pole? What? Are you trying to say something about the quality of the Canadian Army?

Anthony: Army is weak. Air Force is where the real men are.

Bev-woman: We just need to get around this business where Anthony tweaks your ear while asking you for an apology. That was too 1950s school yard. Now it’s a serious battle.

Me: More like an embarrassing battle. I can snap Anthony like a twig. What else?

Bev-woman: You go to trial and do 2 years less a day.

Me: When is that up?

Bev-woman: You are taken into custody in September, 2006, and that was almost 2 years ago, so now is good.

Elizabeth: Wait a minute. He’s free to assault me again?

Bev-woman: You have Anthony to protect you.

Elizabeth: Are you kidding? He just tweaked Howard’s ear.

Bev-woman: Hammered him into cringing submission and pinned him hard.

Anthony: I am so tough.

Beatrice: Howard is just out of prison then, and I am not married?

Bev-woman: Yes.

Beatrice: Howard, will you marry me?

Me: Yes. In a heartbeat. I love you.

Beatrice: Are we done here? Howard and I need to find a judge and get married.

Bev-woman: I guess that’s OK. There’s nothing in this history about you having relationship problems.

Thérèse: No, that’s just me. I can’t be happy. It’s not right he has it so easy.

Elizabeth: I agree with Thérèse.

Anthony: I knew you two would eventually get along.

Elizabeth and Thérèse: Oh, shut up, Anthony!

Then we left. We had to do a little paperwork and pay the license fee, but Beatrice and I are married again. Beatrice actually likes the idea that I am ex-Army. She has thing for military guys. It turns out she and the girls visited me the whole time I was in prison. I don’t have a job at Portrait Magazine anymore since I was in prison when your brother gave up his job, but I understand Caine Accounting has an opening.

Love,
Howard Bunt
At 6:13 PM, April Patterson said…

dc2, yeah, my mom hearing what she wants 2 sounds the most likely.

wow, all that rewritten history howard. that must give u headaches. i dropped off a wedding gift @ yr house. hope u like it!

apes
At 7:52 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Formerly little sis. I remember this part of your story from Saturday. Everyone had gone to the Empire Hotel for the reception, while the family and the bridal party lagged behind for taking pictures at the place where the wedding occurred. Josef Weeder was all set up to go, when Anthony and Elizabeth jumped in one of the limousines and drove off without saying anything to anyone. Naturally, I was not supposed to know what had happened with Grandpa Jim’s heart attack, and I wouldn’t have, if you had not had those premonitions for the last 2 weeks. You appeared to be similarly stressed. But mom and Uncle Phil were very cool about it and made a few jokes like, “Is that a myocardial infarction I hear?” “No, that’s my incredible farting.”

Shawna-Marie Verano was livid. She said, “Even in their own wedding they run off. It’s one thing to run off in my wedding; but it’s something else to run off in your own wedding. That’s just rude. We’re standing around sweating in these dresses, ready to take pictures, so we can go to a nice cool hotel. I want a cool hotel, so I can put a sweater over this dress and not have to worry about any more nip slips. I didn't put my bridesmaids in strapless. No I didn't. I noticed Liz had straps too. I need that hotel, and the girl runs off. Can’t leave. She might come back. Why did I agree to be her bridesmaid? I knew she would do something like this. She’s always running off somewhere.”

Dawn Enjo responded with, “There’s some logical explanation for it. Her mother has a shit-eating grin on her face; so you know it’s something she thinks is funny. I asked her what was going on, and she said, ‘Be patient, Dawn. Liz will be back. Don’t have a…heart attack about it.’ And then Liz’s uncle Phil started laughing when she said that.”

As for me and my lovely wife, Deanna, we were doing well. Deanna had mentioned the possibility of our son and Liz’s little Quebecoise girl being childhood sweethearts to Dad, and in an unusual moment of action, he decided he would be the one to keep them separated. Naturally he decided to do this by taking each one by the hand, but they thought it was a game and in short order had dad spinning around in circles.

Then after awhile, mom got the phone call from Anthony saying for everyone to go to the reception to meet them. And when people asked where she was, mom said, “Oh, Liz is at the hospital visiting her grandfather who had a heart attack, today. Anthony said my Dad is going to be OK. Everything's going to be OK! It’s certainly a nice way to end today.” Needless to say most of the people there gasped when mom finally broke the news about Grandpa Jim’s heart attack; but eventually they got over it and we got into the limousines and went to the reception. No harm done, except a slightly sweaty tuxedo.

Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:36 PM, April Patterson said…

those "jokes" mom and uncle phil were telling were awful. when i complained, mom sed, "of course the martian doesn't understand good black humour." and shawna-marie was like, "is that a racial dig"? and mom batted her eyes and was all, "no, it's a comedy dig! don't lose a rhythm ya have by having an arrhythmia!" it was terrible.

apes
At 8:37 PM, Anonymous said…

I can't believe my brother didn't invite me to his wedding! I'm so insulted! He also never asks me to babysit, even though I'm a very good babysitter and need to earn money.

Abigail Caine
At 8:39 PM, April Patterson said…

howard, i received a call from gavin caine today. he sed u had listed me as a personal reference. i put in a good word 4 u.

apes
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i remembah that on saturday. every1 had like gone 2 the reception & we were wonderin’ where every1 in the bridal party wuz. & i called u & i sed, “where ru?” & u sed, “anthony & liz went off 2 visit grandpa jim in hospital, & mom hazn’t told ne1 y they left. we’re standin’ ‘round in case they come back, cuz weed wunts 2 take the pics of the bridal party w/the bride & groom @the place where they got married.” so i kinda spent my tyme doin’ the video pictures 4 ur sis @the reception. i have anothah transcription:

Me: I’m doing video for the wedding. So if you have any message for the bride and groom, you can say those.
Clarice Caine: I don’t think I know you. Who are you?
Me: I’m Jeremy Jones. I’m dating the bride’s sister, April.
Clarice Caine: Well, I’m Anthony’s “mom”, Clarice. Anthony, baby, this was a wonderful wedding. I loved the way you and Elizabeth ran down the aisle with your eyes closed. I understand that’s some kind of family tradition, and your brother-in-law did the same thing with his wife. It scared me silly. I thought you were going to trip and fall. You may be all grown up, but I still worry about you. Elizabeth is certainly a lovely girl, and I hope you bring her by the house sometime.”
Gavin Caine: It’s disrespectful is what it is.
Clarice Caine: Gavin, I am sure he didn’t mean anything by it.
Gavin Caine: You don’t marry a girl your parents saw once at a high school function 10 years ago. You take the time to bring her to a dinner with the family. That's proper and respectful.
Clarice Caine: Gavin, you know Anthony never liked to bring people over to visit.
Gavin Caine: We are not talking about people. We are talking about his wife. If Tony can bring Thérèse over, he can bring Elizabeth. Either he’s ashamed of us or he’s ashamed of her.
Max Van Rensselaer: Gavin, lighten up. 27 years Anthony's been Mr. Boring. He’s not going to be now all of a sudden Joe Cool. He’ll bring her to dinner, eventually. Anthony. You looked great in my tuxedo. See how dressing up helps a man? Sure enough, once you get a tux on, any man can say, “I do.” No problem.
Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer: He was afraid to say, “I do”? That’s not hard. It’s easier than doing a perm.
Max Van Rensselaer: You know Anthony. He’s got a few self-esteem problems with the ladies, thanks to his birth mom.
Hanneke Van Rijn:Pardon me?
Max Van Rensselaer: Aaah! Sheesh! Hanneke, I didn’t see you floating there.
Me: You’re a g-g-ghost!!
Hanneke Van Rijn: Yes. There’s a few around here already. The bride’s dead grandmother is over there.
Me: Why are you here?
Hanneke Van Rijn: The wedding. I wouldn’t miss finally seeing my son overcome his self-esteem issues with women.
Gavin Caine: I bloody well asked you not to come. It’s bad enough you gave Anthony nightmares when he was growing up.
Hanneke Van Rijn: I wouldn’t have had to do that if you weren’t so accurate throwing wine bottles.
Clarice Caine: Gavin, Hanneke, dears. You probably don’t want to have this conversation recorded.
Gavin Caine: Quite right.
Hubert Van Rensselaer:I’m Anthony’s step-grandfather, Hubert, from Vancouver Island, young man. Anthony. I remember when I first met you as a young lad. Now you’re all grown up, and think you have a sweetheart with Elizabeth. A little advice I know you didn’t ask for, but now you have a new mom for Françoise Marie, remember how you felt when Clarice came along and you had a new mom.
Sofie Van Rensselaer: Anthony, what my husband, Hubert is trying to say is everyone heard Elizabeth screaming at the kids when the limousine pulled up. Kids need hugs, not screaming.
Hubert Van Rensselaer: There’s that and we couldn’t help noticing that Françoise Marie was the last flower girl behind her cousin, even though she is younger. I know that probably doesn’t mean anything, but when you put that with some of the other things…
Abigail Caine: Why didn’t you give me something to do in your wedding? I was a flower girl in your first wedding. I could have been in charge of the present table or the guest book. You didn’t even invite me to your wedding.
Clarice Caine: Abby, dear. We’ve talked about this. This is a second wedding for Anthony and it not the same as a first wedding. None of us got official invitations. We were invited by the bride’s mother after I agreed to make the wedding cake for the reception.
Gavin Caine: It’s not the same as any wedding I’ve seen in my whole sodding life. Who the bloody hell has a wedding where people are expected to donate all the parts of it? You budget it, and do simple accounting to keep track of the money you spend. Anything that comes up not in the budget, you figure the pro and con in a business-like manner. You don’t do a wedding depending on fate. It was completely bloody ridiculous.
Hubert Van Rensselaer: Now, Gavin. Sometimes you have to give into what the bride wants.
Hanneke Van Rijn: If Gavin gave into what his bride wanted, I would still be alive today.
Clarice Caine: Hush! Hanneke. Hush! This is neither the time nor the place for that.
Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer: I would love to hear more, but I have something to say to the groom. Anthony, your father has a point. I didn’t donate my hair salon services for free and I understand you had the photographer’s assistant, of all people, doing hair. I am sure she tried, but honestly, she’s not a professional. The hair on all the bridesmaids looked terrible except for April, who came by my salon and paid for hers at a discounted price, like I do for my best customers. Next time you get married, pamper your bride a little. We do a nice bridal day at my salon: hair, nails, eyebrows, everything you need. By the time we’re done, the bride is all relaxed and she’s not screaming at children. It’s much nicer that way.
Max Van Rensselaer: And the next time you get married, you know who to see for tuxes, right?
Gavin Caine: There’s not going to be a next time for Tony to get married. If he can’t make a go with this bird, then who would possibly accept him?
Abigail Caine: There’s that girl, Julia from his work. She’s really nice.
Clarice Caine: I liked her. I thought she was great for Anthony. She gave him a good push when he needed it, but wasn’t nearly as mentally unbalanced as his first wife.
Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer: Julia is great. She’s a regular at my salon. Everyone loves her.
Hubert Van Rensselaer: This discussion is getting a little tacky for my taste. What if Elizabeth sees this recording? I think it would hurt her feelings. Elizabeth. If you watch this, I am sure they are just joking. I wish you and Anthony well, and I am sure you will have a long and happy marriage.
Sofie Van Rensselaer: I wish you all the best Anthony.
Abigail Caine: Me too, big brother. Sorry I was mad before. I just kind of felt left out.
Clarice Caine: Anthony baby, I know you and Elizabeth will do just fine.
Max Van Rensselaer: You need any help with a new nursery, you know who to call. That’s me, your uncle Max.
Hanneke Van Rijn: Son, I’ve seen the reception food. It’s all covered in grease and gravy. You may want to start eating organic flax bread, so you don’t have a heart attack. You don’t want to end up like me.
Gavin Caine: Son. I know we have had our differences in the past, but I truly hope that you are a success with this marriage.

& that wuz it 4 that table. more transcriptions l8er.

April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Endings to stories

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