When did Shannon start riding our bus?
NEway, Monday the 18th sure was a wacky day, eh?
Formerly dearest Becky flower,I hope the "losing virginity" thing ends up b-ing an untrue thing staged 4 the Newlyfoobs reality show, like Howard hinted. If not, I mite hafta retcon myself 2 having slept w/Axel. Foob oper8ors R standing by.
I am sorry to have to break your heart, but I cannot be your concubine any longer. My dearest April flower came to me that day after Shannon made her speech in the cafeteria and told me she wants us to be "more than friends" again. I am not quite sure what caused her change of heart. Pater says that Patterson women have fickle and violent temperaments. I am kind of afraid of the "violent" part. Also, April is a Patterson, and Mater wants me to marry into the First Family of Milborough.
So, April and I have been secretly "more than friends" for a little while now. My relationship with you has been a sham for some time. However, I can no longer continue to see both of you, as my little April flower says there will be no more "comfy accommodation" from her until I break it off with you.
Anyway, thanks for the public exposure on that TV show and all. Also, it was fun losing our virginity together. That was the best day of my life.
Thanks again, and sorry, Gerald
April,Yeah, just what I wda xxpected from U, Mike.
Formerly little sis. I was sleeping soundly this Father’s Day morning and tucked comfortably into bed and wearing my usual sleeping ensemble of white t-shirt and red boxer underwear. I think I was having a dream about a place called “Snozzz” and there was scarecrow, a tin woodman, a cowardly lion, a little girl named Mud-pie, a little boy Rob-your-kin, and a Wizard called the Wonderlike Wizard of Snozzz. The wizard was sleeping one morning as the little boy and girl snuck up on him. The door guard had gone out to get a shower, a clear dereliction of duty, and the girl and boy crept into his room and leaned around the Wizard’s chest of drawers, and then…Well, then I was woken up by my son and daughter screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” in multi-coloured letters. I bolted upright thinking the Wizard was under attack and I think the shock of that upward movement caused my eyeballs to clink together and my lower teeth to be shown. That hurt. My daughter grabbed my shoulder so she could shriek more loudly in my ear, while my son was content to keep his distance, probably because his eye had fallen out and so he lost his sense of perspective until he recovered it.
My son jumped up and down on the end of the bed aiming for my feet (a painful kids’ game if there ever was one), I pulled my feet out of the way just in time. My daughter explained I should “Get up! Get up!” because “We made a card for you! Get up!!!” I was still holding my hand to my head when my lovely wife Deanna came back from having a shower, wearing her all pink shower ensemble.
I rose up and put on my bathrobe, still bleary from the shock of being woken up in the middle of my dream, while I removed the children from our bedroom so they would not have to see their mother naked. While I was leading them away, my daughter was assigning credit to each portion of the card they made. I believe she made the cover which had the word “DaddY” on it and a picture of a stick figure man with his arms and legs splayed apart as if he had been dropped off a building. My son did the inside, which was a miniature reproduction of a Norman Rockwell painting on Father’s Day. I was about to compliment my son on his art, when he announced he was hungry.
That request led us off to the kitchen where my children demanded two eggs over easy. As it was sizzling in the pan, with the special pan mom bought years ago that actually makes a sizzling sound when you cook even when the pan is not on the stove, my daughter decided she would try to teach Edgar the dog how to talk. She sat on the counter and repeated “Daddy, Daddy Daddy, Daddy!” to Edgar in the hope that he would repeat back what she had so articulately said. All Edgar could manage was “Bark Bark! Bark!” which, as you can tell, is not really very close. Edgar is not the brightest of dogs. The old Dixie dog was not faring much better with my son, who had removed her right front leg and her left eyeball, in order to wash them in the water in the dog dish. She begged me, while I was cooking, to retrieve her stolen items for her, but I ignored her. I knew once my son had cleaned them, he would return the eye and the leg.
After consuming the eggs, this sparked a different desire in my daughter, which I suppose had something to do with her judgment on the quality of my cooking. She hung on my arm and said, “Can we go out? Are we gonna have dinner somewhere? What’s happening today? Hum? Dad?” I hadn’t made plans for Father’s Day. Usually I let Deanna plot it out, and she was up in the bedroom, so I yelled for her. My son was also summoning Deanna in his own special, stinky diaper way, which I thought was unusual, because I thought he was potty-trained. I guess Deanna must have put him one of those overnight diapers, especially for Father’s Day.
Deanna responded to my son’s odor and when my children asked her if we were going out for dinner, she replied, “Yes, we’re going to go out for dinner.” My children exclaimed “Yaay!!” so simultaneously they shared a speech balloon between them. Deanna, freshly cleaned and dressed, picked up my son to take care of his little stench problem. Everything went dark for me, and I realized that I had been stricken by one of those roving silhouettes, which is such a problem for most Milborough residents.
Later on, dad told me the red hot spark from some of the things the kids were doing woke him up and he didn’t recognize the sight of it. He said, “Whoa. What’s going on out there?” He said Mom replied, “Your son and your grandchildren are celebrating.” To which dad replied “Oh”. because he didn’t know how the heck mom had come to that conclusion from a red hot spark appearing through a wall. Then dad said mom was affectionate to him for the first time in many months as she wished him “Happy Father’s Day.” Dad said it was the best Father’s Day he had had in a long time.
I will have to take his word for it. It took me awhile to wake up fully to enjoy mine.
April,So Liz, all that time, did the 'stache an' bad glasses make U think Anthony was sum1 else? I agree he's looking v. diff these days, but I think he looks like a whole other person. Teen Anthony had that beak nose and receding chin.
Well, as Mason dragged me away from where Anthony and Jumbo were standing, I kept thinking about how much better looking Anthony is, now that his bristly mustache is gone, and he has new glasses, he looks so young, and vibrant, and exciting, and dashing, and manly, just like he did back in high school, and when I realized Anthony was a lot better-looking, I realized I care for him more when he is more handsome, and it was a shocking revelation, how something that is so simple could be hidden so deep inside my subconcussion.
Well then something terrible happened, I found myself suddenly not able to move, and Mason asked me if something was wrong because I stopped in my tracks, and I said, "Yes!" because my high heels sank into the lawn, and Mason rescued me, he picked me up and carried me, and someone took a picture, which I saw later, and I do not look happy in it at all, and I will tell you why, it's because Mason picked me up in his arms and slammed his chin into my face, which does not feel good at all, even when the chin in question is of a normal size, and not cartoon size like Dad and sometimes Anthony (though not Anthony right now, he has had some kind of chin reduction, which makes him look more handsome and desirable).
April,Oh, rite, Julia from the Accounting dept @ Mayes Midtown Motors. Dad was really proud of his work on her. And I don't mean the impacted molar he removed. On the day he extracted that tooth, he came home totally stoked abt the PUN he'd made abt it. "Elly! I told her it was an inconvenient tooth! An INCONVENIENT TOOTH! I truly AM the patriarch of puns!" I don't know what Mom sed cuz I hadta go 2 the washroom and B sick over that pun.But yeah, obvs poor Julia has proven herself unworthy. Every1 knows showing ppl their mouths and teeth (if they R not laffing @ a bad pun or yelling with unhinged jaws) proves U R backwards and shd not B allowed 2 live in Mboro.
Well, there was a lot of staring between me and Anthony, and it made me feel funny in my stomach, like there were butterflies in it, and the next thing I knew, the preacher said "kiss the bride," and Shawna-Marie kissed What'sHisFace, who by the way is black, I know that will make the Good Witch very happy, she always says, "Like belongs with like."
Anyway, then in the receiving line, Shawna-Marie turned into a total slut, and started kissing every man who came by on the mouth, whether he was old or white or married, it didn't matter, and it was really embarrassing, I felt bad for What'sHisName, who obviously didn't know that Shawna-Marie would turn into a skank right after saying "I do," I think she had too much champagne in the limo on the way to the ceremony.
Speaking of really embarrassing, Anthony came through the receiving line with his bookkeeper date from work, her name is Julia, and let me say, I am totally relieved to find out she is no competition at all, first, she is fat and short and ugly, kind of like a young Lovey Saltzman or Mira Sobinski, but less ethnic, and she has no class at all, she blurted out first thing that Anthony blabs on about me all the time (score!), which is not very discreet, and speaking of indiscreet, she told me Dad is her dentist, and then opened her gaping maw and showed me the hole where Dad took out a rotten tooth, it was disgusting, doesn't Julia know a proper girl only shows her tongue, teeth, and uvula when she's laughing at a pun?, it was so sad, Anthony was openly laughing at her, I wondered why he didn't just dump this fat cow when I asked him to be my date.
More tomorrow, Liz
April,So, looks as though it's gonna B another "Liz" week, like she sez. I don't mind, really, cuz there R so many worse options. It cda been Dad and the choo-choos, Mike freaking out abt owning a house, Mom being totally anal retentive abt whatevs, Gramps having issues w/his therapists or continence or false teeth, or me having hissy fits abt Ger and Becks and the band. So talking abt Liz seems OK.
Ha ha, I get another week, bet you're mad about that, you have to talk about me for a whole nother week, ha ha ha ha ha!
Well, the wedding was on Saturday, I didn't want to tell you about that before, I wanted to save it and surprise you about getting at least one more week to make you talk about me on your blog, but it was Saturday.
Although I was really looking forward to making you talk about me a lot, the wedding started off really boring, Shawna-Marie's mom yelled at us to hustle, which I thought was rude, I was busy helping with the flowers, all the rose petals kept falling off the petals in the centerpieces and Dawn and me had to glue the petals all back on, it was taking forever, and an accident with the Krazy Glue made one of the flowers stick to the front of my dress, it was almost a disaster, until Dawn suggested that all the bridesmaids glue a flower between their bosoms, which for some reason everyone seemed to like this idea, even though it was ugly, and it means we can never wear these dresses again, because of the big glue stain between our bosoms.
Anyway, Shawna-Marie's mom kept yapping out orders, it was so annoying, so I decided my big helpful gesture would be to bolster Shawna-Marie's self-esteem, frankly, I have never seen her look so plain as she did in her wedding dress, I think it was because she wore her hair pulled back tightly, no makeup, and a white dress that only had little spaghetti straps, she frankly looked like your friend Duncan Anderson in a dress, but I remembered my vow to be helpful, and I told her she looked beautiful and I asked her how she was holding up, after all, it can't be easy to have all your roses falling apart and also look like a man on your wedding day, and also, the dress was pretty ugly, it was all wrinkly up top, I can't remember the name for that look, but anyway, it made her look fat, and I knew she must be crushed.
But Shawna-Marie said she was holding up fine, which I was suprised but pleased to hear, but then strangely she tried to lift up her dress and show me her underwear, I just laughed at what a big hick she is, and did my job as bridesmaid and kept her from lifting up her dress on the front steps of the church or hall or wherever we were at that point, I was kind of high from the glue fumes.
April,This morning, Liz came over 4 brekkie, cuz she was all outta cookies an' 4got 2 shop 4 more food. I was all, "So who's the guy?" Mike had just walked in2 the kitchen rite B4 that, 4raging 4 sum granola and milk 2 completely finish, so Liz was like, "U don't recognize our brother Mike?" And I rolled my eyez, all, "No, not that guy! The guy @ the wedding rehearsal. The 1 U mentioned in yr comment last nite." Liz got frowny 4 a moment, like "U R so nosy!" But then she kinda 4got 2 B pissy an' sed, "Oh, April, his name is Mason, and he's so hunky! He sort of reminds me of yr Gerald, but grown-uplike and manly! He's the best man, and he's going 2 B my escort b-cuz he doesn't have a d8 either! April, I just know this is FATE!"
Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).
April,Well, I think getting far away from Mboro and Mom sounds gr8, but I know Liz already thinx I'm crayzee, eh? I wonder where Shawna-Marie an' her new hubby wanna go?
I can't sleep so I will tell you what happened next at the rehersal, even though it is totally boring and predictable, of course Dawn came over near me so I took the opportunity to tell her a treasured Patterson family anecdote about Mike and Dee's wedding, everyone loves Patterson family anecdotes, or sane people at least, but Dawn has clearly lost it, because she interrupted to tell me about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and how it was all hassles, or something like that, I wasn't really listening too close, then Dawn said that Shawna-Marie gave up and let her mom do whatever, which sounds pretty normal to me, but I could tell Dawn didn't think so, so I said, "Whoa, haven't the bride and groom made ANY decisions on their own?" which I thought sounded pretty good, a Patterson does not like to miss an opportunity to be judgmental like this, and Dawn said yeah, they are moving away after the wedding, which just shows Shawna-Marie is plain ol' stupid--who would move away from her Mommy and Milborough?!?, crazy people, that's who, Shawna-Marie has clearly lost it.
April,Hey, Liz, it must B nice 2 C Dawn after all this time. How's she doing? And R U the maid of honour? U mentioned 2 me that Shawna-Marie had U in the front of the line of bridesmaids. Poor Shawna-Marie, even her own mother uses that "Quebecois Hillbilly" moniker on her. Tho I noticed that 4 sum reason Mom got Steph 2 take the reference 2 Shawna-Marie being Argentine out of her profile on Mom's website. Weird, she did the same thing 4 Beatrice Alfarero's profile. Now Bea just has "a colourful past." I wonder what's up w/that. Oh, well, never mind.
I know you will be sorry to hear that just as I thought my seduction of Candace was working out, I remembered I was supposed to be at Shawna-Marie's wedding rehersal, sheesh, brides can be so demanding, anyway, I asked Candace if she wanted to go to the rehersal as my date, but of course she had to act like she's all allergic to weddings, of course that will change if I decide she is The One and that we are going to get married, ha!
Anyway, at the rehersal, Shawna-Marie had the traditional fight with her mother, which of course I approve of, upholding tradition is important, but of course Shawna-Marie was in the wrong, she wanted to go down the aisle to some pop love song, you know, Mom is always quick to call Shawna-Marie "that Quebecois hillbilly" and even though I usually defend Shawna-Marie, Mom is right, walking down the aisle to a pop song is pretty white trashy, which is funny because Shawna-Marie isn't white, but I guess if you grow up in Milborough you are pretty white bread even if you're "colored in with the brown crayon," which before you get pissy, I understand is the most up-to-date PC term for being black, at least according to the Milborough Town Bylaws, anyhow, like I was saying, Shawna-Marie was trying to choose between two modern songs, and they weren't even good ones, you know, I favor music that goes BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM and "wrap" music, but Shawna-Marie, being a hillbilly, likes country music, which will make her wedding totally lame if she uses it, well, Shawna-Marie's mom started yelling, something about love and weddings not going together, and I looked at Dawn and we rolled our eyes, because we totally know how ridiculous Shawna-Marie is being, weddings are about TRADITION and PLEASING YOUR MOTHER, after all. Cheeze.
April,Don't worry 2 much abt Mike, Liz. U know he's totally clueless and can barely keep track of how he managed 2 have kids of his own. Oh, and speaking of Mike? He got in2 1 of his "reminiscing" moods, looking @ the old foto albums from the "whatnot" cabinet? And he came across sum pics of U the summer after U finished kindergarten, rite after Anne and Steve Nichols's baby Leah had been born. And Mike remembered that Mom had been talking abt how Richard and Christopher suddenly had 2 share a bedroom cuz Leah needed her own room. And U BEGGED Mom 2 give U a baby sister, and sed "she can share my room!" Mom laffed an' sed Liz musta given her the idea, and it only took her until 1990 B4 she actually got preggers. Mike chuckled and sed it's the Patterson way 2 take a long time 2 do things. 'Course, @ the time, Mom just yelled @ Liz, all, "Y can't U just nag me 4 a ghetto blaster, like every1 else?!?"
Well, I don't care if you and your stupid friends don't want to read about it, it's my week and I am going to tell you the rest of my story about trying to seduce Candace into being my husband, and you are going to print it in your blog whether you like it or not, got it?
Well next I asked Candace whether she thought she would ever marry Rudy, which was me hinting around to find out how things were going with them, after all maybe Candace had broke up with him and not told me, after all I didn't tell her about Paul being a cheating cheater cheat for months and months after I found out, but drat, no, she said she liked things how they were between them like they already were, which I gathered must mean pretty good, but then Candace said something bizarre about being "legally responsible" for her relationship with Rudy, which can't be good, I mean, I figure that means there is something illegal about what they are doing together and one of them is going to be brought up on charges, which made me feel renewed hope, if Candace and/or Rudy is going to get arrested for whatever sick and depraved sex acts they do together, then I have a chance.
So I mentioned that public declarations of love are traditional, and that made Candace say something about how she would never "cram her bones" into a flouncy white dress for tradition, which made me extremely happy, because in my imagination picture of our wedding, she is going to be the groom and will naturally wear the tuxedo, and I will be in the flouncy white dress, which of course has been my dream ever since I was a tiny girl.
But, at that moment, I could feel Candace gazing at me, and the gaze felt kind of heated, and I don't just mean in a friendship kind of way, but in a sexy marriage sort of way, so in order to impress Candace, who I know does not care too much about weddings, I said I would wear the flouncy white dress, but just because it would make Mom happy, which of course is a lie, but what is courtship, except a series of lies you tell a person in order to convince them to marry you? At that point, I felt things were moving along really good on my seduction plan.
Oh, and Mike, if I marry Candace, I will definitely be having babies from a turkey baster, why on earth would you think I would give up on babies, which are the whole reason for marriage in the first place, sheesh and double cheeze!
April,Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.
I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.
Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.
In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.