April's Real Blog

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Personal Moments and No-Stache Anthony

Liz has posted another upd8 abt Shawna-Marie's wedding:

I know you have been waiting with baited breath for my next story about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and by the way, about that, you should really not have breath that smells like bait, it's a turn-off.

We were all standing at the altar at Shawna-Marie's wedding, watching her get married to whatever his name is, but instead of watching it, I was thinking about how Shawna-Marie, Dawn, and I used to talk about which one of us would get married first, well, back in the old days, Shawna-Marie and Dawn always said it would be me, because marriage is so important to Pattersons and Dawn believes in very long engagements and nobody believed that Shawna-Marie would find a man who could love a hick with a faux-Quebecois name who looks very masculine, especially when wearing a dress.

But there we were, Shawna-Marie got married on Saturday and Dawn is getting married next year and I'll be a bridesmaid in that and guess what, I don't even have a boyfriend, so fate totally turned things around from what we thought, and as I realized that, I started to get kind of misty, and I thought about how great it is we have known each other since grade school, where I was always considered way prettier than those other two, and way more likely to get a man, and how nice it is that we still share our personal moments, such as weddings, unlike other people who have been best friends since grade school but who are just not as close as me and Dawn and Shawna-Marie, and do not invite their friends to weddings.

It was just then that I started thinking about how weddings are full of very special personal moments, and I mean that in the sense of those commercials on TV for feminine products, I mean, we laughed over Shawna-Marie's underwear and I loaned Dawn a tampon at the bridesmaid's lunch, and we all heard Mrs. Verano's lecture on proper douching technique so as to be "fresh" for the wedding night, and just then, as I was thinking about douche, the most amazing coincidence happened, I spied Anthony from across the room, at least I think it was him, he didn't have a moustache, which struck me as a strange choice, but I will explain more tomorrow.


FYI, Liz, the expression is "bated breath" not "baited breath." But I'm glad I'm not the only one who associ8's "Anthony" with the word "douche."

Dunc, hope U R OK 2day. Who knew yr b-day wd end w/U b-ing treated like the doggie toy of Becky's giant dog Freyfaxi, and then carried off by the superheroine Abuja Woman (Eva's mom)? So whack! But @ least U R still 16 an' U passed yr G1, eh? Let's do a proper celebration on Friday!


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  • At 10:23 AM, Blogger howard said…


    You might be interested in my new friends and fellow bridesmaids of your sister, Alyssa and Jen’s perspective on the same events your sister described. This is what they told me, as near as I can remember it:

    Alyssa:OK, Howard. As long as you are making these great soufflés for me and Jen, I’ll be glad to tell you what happened next.
    Jen: Mmph, mmph! {“Me too”--I think, but she had her mouth full of soufflé}.
    Alyssa: It took forever to get Shawna-Marie off the steps of her mother’s house and into the car. The conversation went from corsets to tampons to douching to subjects I am not even going to repeat except to say it is pretty obvious Elizabeth Patterson has never touched a man under his clothes and I think she is going to be really surprised the first time she sees a man naked with the lights on.
    Jen: Mmph! {“Yes”--I think.}
    Alyssa: Once we finally got to the big circus tent where the wedding was to take place, Elizabeth decided to give the rest of the bridesmaids a little warning. She addressed us as, “You two bridesmaids I don’t know and Dawn.” Of course Jen said, “We went to grade school with you, idiot.”
    Jen: Mmph! {“Idiot!”--I think.}
    Alyssa: Then Elizabeth said, “Whatever. We obviously never shared any very personal moments. I just want the 3 of you to remember that since I am a Patterson, when I walk down the aisle, all eyes will be on me. Large black ladies will smile at me in satisfaction, guys will give me the eye right in front of their less-attractive-than-me dates, and people will take pictures. And of course, there is the strong possibility that I will have to take my eyes from looking front to give a personal moment to any ex-boyfriends of mine, who may be at the wedding with some other ugly, sad girl. I just want you all to know this in advance, so you are not startled and ruin the big day for Shawna-Marie.”
    Jen: Mmph! {“Bitch!”--I think.}
    Alyssa: Then Dawn said to Elizabeth, “Liz you are so right. I think this is an appropriate moment for me to ask you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding to David next year. Would be so kind as to share yourself with me and my family during our personal moment?” Then Liz said, “But, it means I’ll get married last!” And Dawn said, “I’ve been engaged since 2005. I think it’s time.” And Liz said, “Of course I would. It would be great to share your very personal moment.”
    Jen: {Mouth finally cleared.} Oh that was rich! Dawn’s been keeping the secret she is actually the matron of honor, and she didn’t invite Elizabeth to her wedding. Did Elizabeth think that Dawn would actually be engaged for over 3 years to David before she got married? I hope Dawn has a fake wedding just to fool Elizabeth. Alyssa and I went to one that Elizabeth’s brother put on just to fool his mother-in-law back in 2001, and it was great. His mother-in-law spent so much money and she was running around in hysterics most of the time. What a great joke on her.
    Alyssa: I thought that wedding was a little cruel, myself. But if Dawn wants to do a fake wedding for Elizabeth, I am 100% in favour of it. I will even come and be a bridesmaid again.
    Jen: Me too.
    Me: So what happened next?
    Alyssa: After all this talking, we were really late. We lined up all wrong and not the way we rehearsed it. I said to Dawn, “The maid of honour stands last in line before the bride, but she just walked right up to the front.” So I said to Jen, “I guess you’re the maid of honour now.”
    Jen: It was kind of fun, although I spent most of the time in shadow and I was trying to tell Alyssa that wearing her hair all to the left side looked stupid.
    Alyssa: I thought it looked good.
    Me: Let me see a picture.
    Alyssa: Here’s one. {And she showed me a picture. It was ghastly.}
    Me: This is ghastly. What were you thinking?
    Jen: I told you so.
    Alyssa: It was windy. It seemed like a good choice to me.
    Me: So what happened next?
    Jen: We walked down the aisle, in the wrong order and just like Elizabeth said, people stared and gawked at her the whole way down.
    Alyssa: Then she and this guy locked eyes and Jen whispered to me, she thought the guy might be Anthony Caine. My initial thought was that it was a woman dressed in men’s clothes.
    Jen: At first I thought it was one of those English fops, who occasionally crash Milborough weddings.
    Alyssa: Well, then I thought it could be Anthony Caine if he changed every single thing about his face, except his freckles.
    Jen: Like one of those super ultimate makeovers, where they even do surgery to move the eyes apart from each other for greater separation.
    Alyssa: The wonders they can do with surgery these days. I could have sworn I saw Anthony Caine just 5 weeks ago and he looked completely different.
    Jen: I noticed his moustache was gone. I think that’s the reason. It’s like that black gooey Spider-Man suit in Spider-Man 3. I think the moustache must have been an alien life form which was making Anthony ugly, and then when it left his body, his natural beauty returned to him.
    Alyssa: That’s just stupid.
    Jen: Do you have a better explanation?
    Alyssa: Um…Let’s have some more soufflé.

    And that’s their explanation of the events. More tomorrow, I think.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I saw mom looking over her website today at the picture she had of the Lizardbreath, Anthony (back in his red-headed days) and Dawn Enjo at their high school graduation. She said to me wistfully, “I knew back when I first met Anthony Caine when he was in school with Liz, he was going to grow up to be the kind of man ignored by women his age until he got older and came into his own. Then the women would think back and wish they had been the lucky one to land him. Back in his school days, they would have only seen this guy with the big nose, the Coke bottle glasses, who was a slack-jawed whiner with the annoying voice and who complained all time. Even in recent years, his female peers would have regarded Anthony as a stooping, decrepit, man, with an ugly moustache desparately in need of a trim, who indecently married and impregnated a Quebecoise woman, and who only has his house and his job because Gordon Mayes took pity on him. They didn’t know like I did, Anthony would turn into a male Adonis. I have a special sense about those things. Now if Elizabeth decides to marry him, she’ll have to deal with jealous women instead of those girls who ask about every other man in Liz’s life and feel sorry for her when she mentions Anthony.”

    I said, “I’m still better-looking than Anthony Caine.” Mom said, “Of course you are dear” as I knew she would.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Ned Flanders said…

    Hi diddly ho, April and everyone! One benefit of perusing this blog is that I've become more attuned to teen speak. This'll definitely help improve my rapport with Rod and Todd as they approach adolescence. So Elizabeth gets Anthony Caine on the brain when she thinks of douches? Anthony must be a very clean, hygienic fellow like good old steady Neddy. I'm rediddiddly relieved he got rid of the ol' pushbroom. No one rocks the 'stache like I do! I'm just joke-diddly oking, though. Self-esteem is the modern manifestation of the sin of PRIDE, after all.

    Oh well, back to work at the Leftorium. We just got a shipment of left-handed Bibles. I can't wait to get my copy; it'll make doing readings at church a lot less awkward for me, for a start!


  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, anothah good day of xxamz, but i think my study group w/eva abuya & her black canadian-south american friends iz kinda broken up. eva & duncan seemed 2b back 2gethah 2day in skool & judgin’ frum the smile on duncan’s face, i get the feelin’ he got a rilly good 16th b-day prezzie frum eva.

    frum wut ur sis wuz talkin’ ‘bout 2day, it started me thinkin’. i wondah which 1 of us iz gonna b married 1st. this is the way ic it:

    rebecca mcguire – in 2 months. prolly the 1st, since she plans 2 marry howard bunt in the next couple of months.

    luis guzmán. – in 1 year. he is such a ladies man & so macho w/his putdowns, he’ll b married & have 10 kids b4 he’s 30.

    honoria delaney-forsythe. in 2 years. if i can believe her, she wants 2 marry me as soon as i graduate high school, & she can get her ‘rents permission 2 let her marry.

    me – mebbe 2 years. i mite end up married 2 honoria wen i’m 18. if not her, then prolly no1. the way i am agin’, i will prolly b dead in the next 15 years.

    gerald - 2-3 years frum now - gerald is rilly n2 gettin’ married. if u & he don’t fix thingz up, i think he will still marry early.

    vicki simone – in 2 - 5 years. vicki has shown she can stand the world of extreme sports her bf gordie duroccher plays in, so i guess a wedding will come soon, if they can find time in gordie’s schedule.

    duncan – in 4 years. i don’t c him marryin’ eva. they’re 2 diff. duncan wunts his music career & he will prolly move 2 barbados & marry sum barbados girl groupie in a couple of years.

    josh the geek god– in 4 years. he will b-come a millionaire @20 w/o goin’ 2 university cuz he dropped out 2 run his bizness he will marry his a-girl gf, avery who will take all his money. either avery or sum supermodel. aftah that, who knows.

    april (u) – 10 years frum now -- i know u plan 2 go 2 vet skool, which iz @least 8 years of skool i think, & ur mom makes a big deal ‘bout gettin’ ur degree b4 u get married so u don’t end up like her. prolly u have 10 more years @least. i usedta think u & gerald mite get married when u got outa high school & just go 2 university as a married couple, but wen icu2 glarin’ @each othah @skool, i kinda doubt thass gonna happ.

    zandra larson – in 10 years or more. prolly aftah she gets outa university w/multiple degrees & gets ovah b-ing depressed all the tyme, she mite find sum guy she likes.

    eva – in 10 – 20 years. eva has fam career issues & it mite b decades b4 she gets married.

    shannon lake – prolly nevah. shannon’s nice, but violent & she will prolly always needs sum1 2 help her, but the violence mite keep them away.

    luann degroot – prolly nevah. perhaps if she can get over her obsession with aaron hill or her friend’s bernice’s brother ben.

    wudyah think? am i gonna b rite?

  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, again thanx 4 sharing what u heard from alyssa an' jen. this whole shawna-marie wedding thing seems pretty whacked.

    mike, mom's been pushing 4 anthony 4evs. remember seven yrs ago when mom bought lilliput's from lily? one time, liz and i were both @ the store helping mom get everything set up 2 open, and anthony came over. this was in the summer, rite b4 he and liz had 2 go away 4 their second yr of uni. anthony came over and suggested that since he and liz never call or c ea other, they shd break up. liz agreed.

    mom and dad were watching, and they were out of hearing range. mom made a comment that she liked anthony and had always "secretly" hoped that liz and anthony wd get 2gether. dad sed he "wdn't mind @ all." just then, anthony and liz hugged and sed goodbye 2 ea other.

    l8r, back @ home, liz was all, "omg, i just broke up w/anthony." i was kinda "whatevs"-sh. i sed, "u and anthony r always breaking up, so this is normal." then i pted out that anthony alwayz liked her when she didn't like him, but then when he was d8ing sum1 else, she'd get jellus and like him again. liz got all pissed off cuz i was rite.

    ned, yeah. clean. that's it.

    jeremy, yr xxplanations make sense, but otoh, liz and her friends ended up b-ing wrong abt who got married in what order, so i guess it's hard 2 say.


  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    My good friend April,

    Thank you for coming to my birthday party. I had a wonderful time. I hope that you and Axel enjoyed yourselves.

    Eva and I are very happy together. We will have a wonderful life. We are getting engaged on Eva's 18th birthday and we are getting married the day after I am licenced as a dentist. Eva says that I will be the first Nigerian prince dentist in Canada, maybe the world, and she's always right. I am so lucky to have her, she is a gift I will treasure every day of my life.

    Love to all,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg! eva, what have u dun 2 duncan?!?! he seemz like he's been, like, BRAINWASHED!


  • At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Brainwashing? Don't be silly, man! With some gentle reminders, Duncan came to see things the ABUYA way, again.

    The Abuya way or the highway, cowpokes!


  • At 9:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if duncan iz brainwashed or not, but he wuz a lot nicer 2 me in skool than he's been in awhile. not only that, but eva seemed a lot happier 2. sumtymez guyz r rilly happ 2 do wutevah girls wunt them 2 do aftah they've...oh, y am i tellin' u this?!

  • At 9:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    what r u trying 2 say abt me, jeremy?

    no, w8, i'm not sure i want yr take on me and guyz.

    axel thinx i'm cube, so @ least i've got that going 4 me.


  • At 12:17 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, there was a lot of staring between me and Anthony, and it made me feel funny in my stomach, like there were butterflies in it, and the next thing I knew, the preacher said "kiss the bride," and Shawna-Marie kissed What'sHisFace, who by the way is black, I know that will make the Good Witch very happy, she always says, "Like belongs with like."

    Anyway, then in the receiving line, Shawna-Marie turned into a total slut, and started kissing every man who came by on the mouth, whether he was old or white or married, it didn't matter, and it was really embarrassing, I felt bad for What'sHisName, who obviously didn't know that Shawna-Marie would turn into a skank right after saying "I do," I think she had too much champagne in the limo on the way to the ceremony.

    Speaking of really embarrassing, Anthony came through the receiving line with his bookkeeper date from work, her name is Julia, and let me say, I am totally relieved to find out she is no competition at all, first, she is fat and short and ugly, kind of like a young Lovey Saltzman or Mira Sobinski, but less ethnic, and she has no class at all, she blurted out first thing that Anthony blabs on about me all the time (score!), which is not very discreet, and speaking of indiscreet, she told me Dad is her dentist, and then opened her gaping maw and showed me the hole where Dad took out a rotten tooth, it was disgusting, doesn't Julia know a proper girl only shows her tongue, teeth, and uvula when she's laughing at a pun?, it was so sad, Anthony was openly laughing at her, I wondered why he didn't just dump this fat cow when I asked him to be my date.

    More tomorrow, Liz


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