April's Real Blog

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day

Mike posted sumthing abt Father's Day, early this morning:
April,

Formerly little sis. I was sleeping soundly this Father’s Day morning and tucked comfortably into bed and wearing my usual sleeping ensemble of white t-shirt and red boxer underwear. I think I was having a dream about a place called “Snozzz” and there was scarecrow, a tin woodman, a cowardly lion, a little girl named Mud-pie, a little boy Rob-your-kin, and a Wizard called the Wonderlike Wizard of Snozzz. The wizard was sleeping one morning as the little boy and girl snuck up on him. The door guard had gone out to get a shower, a clear dereliction of duty, and the girl and boy crept into his room and leaned around the Wizard’s chest of drawers, and then…Well, then I was woken up by my son and daughter screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” in multi-coloured letters. I bolted upright thinking the Wizard was under attack and I think the shock of that upward movement caused my eyeballs to clink together and my lower teeth to be shown. That hurt. My daughter grabbed my shoulder so she could shriek more loudly in my ear, while my son was content to keep his distance, probably because his eye had fallen out and so he lost his sense of perspective until he recovered it.

My son jumped up and down on the end of the bed aiming for my feet (a painful kids’ game if there ever was one), I pulled my feet out of the way just in time. My daughter explained I should “Get up! Get up!” because “We made a card for you! Get up!!!” I was still holding my hand to my head when my lovely wife Deanna came back from having a shower, wearing her all pink shower ensemble.

I rose up and put on my bathrobe, still bleary from the shock of being woken up in the middle of my dream, while I removed the children from our bedroom so they would not have to see their mother naked. While I was leading them away, my daughter was assigning credit to each portion of the card they made. I believe she made the cover which had the word “DaddY” on it and a picture of a stick figure man with his arms and legs splayed apart as if he had been dropped off a building. My son did the inside, which was a miniature reproduction of a Norman Rockwell painting on Father’s Day. I was about to compliment my son on his art, when he announced he was hungry.

That request led us off to the kitchen where my children demanded two eggs over easy. As it was sizzling in the pan, with the special pan mom bought years ago that actually makes a sizzling sound when you cook even when the pan is not on the stove, my daughter decided she would try to teach Edgar the dog how to talk. She sat on the counter and repeated “Daddy, Daddy Daddy, Daddy!” to Edgar in the hope that he would repeat back what she had so articulately said. All Edgar could manage was “Bark Bark! Bark!” which, as you can tell, is not really very close. Edgar is not the brightest of dogs. The old Dixie dog was not faring much better with my son, who had removed her right front leg and her left eyeball, in order to wash them in the water in the dog dish. She begged me, while I was cooking, to retrieve her stolen items for her, but I ignored her. I knew once my son had cleaned them, he would return the eye and the leg.

After consuming the eggs, this sparked a different desire in my daughter, which I suppose had something to do with her judgment on the quality of my cooking. She hung on my arm and said, “Can we go out? Are we gonna have dinner somewhere? What’s happening today? Hum? Dad?” I hadn’t made plans for Father’s Day. Usually I let Deanna plot it out, and she was up in the bedroom, so I yelled for her. My son was also summoning Deanna in his own special, stinky diaper way, which I thought was unusual, because I thought he was potty-trained. I guess Deanna must have put him one of those overnight diapers, especially for Father’s Day.

Deanna responded to my son’s odor and when my children asked her if we were going out for dinner, she replied, “Yes, we’re going to go out for dinner.” My children exclaimed “Yaay!!” so simultaneously they shared a speech balloon between them. Deanna, freshly cleaned and dressed, picked up my son to take care of his little stench problem. Everything went dark for me, and I realized that I had been stricken by one of those roving silhouettes, which is such a problem for most Milborough residents.

Later on, dad told me the red hot spark from some of the things the kids were doing woke him up and he didn’t recognize the sight of it. He said, “Whoa. What’s going on out there?” He said Mom replied, “Your son and your grandchildren are celebrating.” To which dad replied “Oh”. because he didn’t know how the heck mom had come to that conclusion from a red hot spark appearing through a wall. Then dad said mom was affectionate to him for the first time in many months as she wished him “Happy Father’s Day.” Dad said it was the best Father’s Day he had had in a long time.

I will have to take his word for it. It took me awhile to wake up fully to enjoy mine.

Love,
Michael Patterson
Yeah, just what I wda xxpected from U, Mike.

Well, I asked Mom if I shd just give Dad his usual favourite Father's Day present--being totally left alone so he can pretend he never even had NE kids. Mom was all, "Of course, April. Do U even have 2 ask?"

Happy Father's Day, 2 all the Dads out there who deserve it!

Apes

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12 Comments:

  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. It’s good to know you would have expected me to get up with my kids, make them breakfast, let them play with and/or temporarily dismember dogs, and then agree to Deanna’s plans for us to go out for dinner. Considering the way you were criticizing me yesterday, I had the impression you expected me to ignore my children. I know living with mom and dad may have skewed your perspective a bit, but in other families with small children, on Father’s Day, the fathers largely do whatever it is that the mothers and children have planned for them. That certainly is the case for me today.

    By the way, I think Deanna plans for mom and dad to come to the dinner out, and I know you are in the mood to leave him alone for Father’s Day, but I suspect Deanna would appreciate it if you came too. However, you can hide out somewhere in Milborough and be all Martian-ny, if you want.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shut up, mike.

    no, i xxpected u 2 act all cringe-y around yr kids, like u can barely stand 2 b around them. and act as if making them brekky was a huge sacrifice, which u did.

    and dad's the one who's in the mood 2 b left alone. if dee can convince him 2 come up 4 air an' go out 2 dinner, then more power 2 her.

    and if dee wants me 2 come out 2 dinner, she's free 2 invite me. i'm not being hide-y and martian-y, tho u r totally abt the hiding from yr fam, so i wdn't try 2 act superior wrt that, if i were u.

    apes

     
  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April's Real Blog readers,

    As you can tell, my sister April has issues with me, which are actually issues she has with our father, but she projects them on me, which is alright, because it is the Patterson way of doing things, and I am proud of my sister for following our family traditions so carefully. I look forward to the day when she can see litter on the highway and blame mankind for it.

    However, if you had observed me this morning, you would have seen a father doing very well with kids who woke him out of a deep sleep by screaming in his ears and still was able to make his way out of bed, to look at his Father's Day card, to go down stairs while still drowzy, and to make breakfast for his children, while they busied themselves antagonizing dogs. There was no cringing. I did not make even one statement about how making breakfast was a huge sacrifice. I did not tell my children on Father's Day of all days, I could barely stand to be around them. That would be silly.

    We had a nice dinner out with the whole family, except our sister Elizabeth, who is too busy "recovering" from the events which occurred at Shawna-Marie Verano's wedding to whatisface, which I am sure April will get back to talking about next week. I just thought I would tell you readers of April's Real Blog, what happened.

    Now April can go back to telling you how awful a father I am and I couldn't be prouder of her for doing it. You go, April!

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 7:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, fortun8ly, my dad didn't show up 4 father's day, like he did a few years back wen i turned 13 & he tried 2 show his fatherliness by arrangin' 4 a d8 between me & sum tramp he paid 4. i had a perfect father's day, 2day. mom made me try 2 call dad & all i cud do wuz leave a message. it wuz gr8. i wish every father's day wuz that good.

     
  • At 7:53 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…

    April,

    If you want su hermano to appreciate sus niños more, I should tell him the story of mi familia. Mi padre escaped over the border from Mexico. He managed to make it all the way across that wasteland to the free land of Canada, but he had to leave sus niños behind. He desperately searched for a job, and any way to make a living so he would be able to raise the money to send for us, to bring the rest of su familia to Canada. No job was too low for him to take. No position too demeaning. He would even be willing to work at Tim Horton's. His familia was more important to him than anything. Finally, after struggling and struggling and starting his own Mexican import business in Milborough, he managed to scrape together the money. We are forever greatful to our father for bringing his familia of refugees to Canada. Today, I and the rest of mi familia salute him. Salude a mi padre.

    Luis Guzmán

     
  • At 7:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    My relationship with my mom and dad is not really sparkling right now. On the one hand, they like the fact I am engaged to be married to a woman. On the other hand, they don't like the fact that Becky is 16 years old, even though the marriage will be legal. I prefer Becky's father to my own, but I don't really think of him as a dad, more like a person I want to keep from messing up Becky's life. The reality TV people of Newlyfoobs LOVED Thorvald McGuire when they first met him. However, after the incident where the production manager of the show ate some of his rancid shark meat (Thorvald's favourite Icelandic food) and threw it out thinking it was bad and Thorvald chased him around the yard with his axe, they have cooled on him somewhat.

    I hope you and your family had a good time out, and I hope your family didn't embarrass you in public. I didn't hear any sirens or any shrieking, so I presume everything went well.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 7:57 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…

    April,

    My mother and father and my brother Blair had a dinnner out too. We had a great time. My dad still doesn't think I am old enough to handle a sharp fork and knife. I cut up my jello and didn't cut myself once, this time. My father was so proud. I hope you had a good time with your family.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     
  • At 8:28 PM, Anonymous merrie patterson said…

    auntie april, robin and merrie work so hard on card, and attic guy barely look at it. merrie sad! merrie have friends, their daddies like the cards they make. their daddies say, love that card, thank you so much. not attic guy. merrie cry now.

    merrie patterson

     
  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, besides mike an' dad insisting that they shd sit @ a separ8 table from the rest of us, i guess u cd say my fam didn't embarrass us. merrie and robin cried the whole time cuz they wanted 2 sit w/their daddy and grandpa, but mike and dad's table was so far from us they never noticed.

    luis, it must b nice 2 have a dad who cares.

    jeremy, yeah, considering the way yr dad is, i guess it's best when u r not in touch w/him.

    shannon, i know yr fam is a lil over-protective, but u can tell they actually care.

    apes

     
  • At 9:08 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Excellent work in telling others how awful a father I am and I see you are even training my daughter in these great Patterson traditions. Good effort!

    Just to let you know, when the restaurant puts together 2 tables to seat 7 people, and dad and I sit on one side, that’s not really a table separate from the rest of the family. Also, if you are going to try to paint me and dad as bad parents, you should pick a more realistic scenario. Anyone who is the even the slightest bit familiar with our family knows that my mother and my wife would never let dad and me sit away from the rest of the family in a public restaurant. I, for one, appreciate the effort, and I know you will get better at it in the future. You should follow my daughter’s example. Her letter I could believe, but yours is questionable.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Jen Barclay said…

    Hi, I'm friends with April's friend Eva. I work at the Eats Diner, which is where April's family had their dinner tonight. I can confirm that the Patterson men in fact ate in a whole other room. I actually suggested putting two tables together, but April's father made some pun and insisted that he and Michael be seated in the back room.

    Jen Barclay

     
  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. What is this? You’re calling in witnesses?

    For those people who read this blog, and who actually believe that my mother, Elly, and my wife, Deanna, whose reputation as easy pushovers when it comes to family events precedes them, would allow me and my dad to eat in a whole other room at the Eats Diner, I wish to make the following confession:

    You’ve found us out and our true nature. In fact, Dad and I were not satisfied simply to go out to a Father’s Day meal in our honour, but we so wanted to avoid any attention and any praise that might be heaped on us by our family on Father’s Day, because as everyone knows Dad and I just hate it when our family lavishes attention on us due to our great humility, that we skipped out of the back of the Eats Diner, we drove to the Pearson airport, got 2 first class tickets to Mexico, and now we are having a great Mexican dinner in Puerto Vallarta, far away from the praise and adulation of any Pattersons.

    This is great fun, April. Normally we Pattersons do character assassination through thought balloons, but I think using an eyewitness is a nice touch. I will have to remember that trick when I write my next weekly column, which I have tentatively entitled, “Ben Jarclay, Big Liar and Lousy Waiter or So Says His Mother!”

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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