Father's Day

Mike posted sumthing abt Father's Day, early this morning:

April,

Formerly little sis. I was sleeping soundly this Father’s Day morning and tucked comfortably into bed and wearing my usual sleeping ensemble of white t-shirt and red boxer underwear. I think I was having a dream about a place called “Snozzz” and there was scarecrow, a tin woodman, a cowardly lion, a little girl named Mud-pie, a little boy Rob-your-kin, and a Wizard called the Wonderlike Wizard of Snozzz. The wizard was sleeping one morning as the little boy and girl snuck up on him. The door guard had gone out to get a shower, a clear dereliction of duty, and the girl and boy crept into his room and leaned around the Wizard’s chest of drawers, and then…Well, then I was woken up by my son and daughter screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” in multi-coloured letters. I bolted upright thinking the Wizard was under attack and I think the shock of that upward movement caused my eyeballs to clink together and my lower teeth to be shown. That hurt. My daughter grabbed my shoulder so she could shriek more loudly in my ear, while my son was content to keep his distance, probably because his eye had fallen out and so he lost his sense of perspective until he recovered it.

My son jumped up and down on the end of the bed aiming for my feet (a painful kids’ game if there ever was one), I pulled my feet out of the way just in time. My daughter explained I should “Get up! Get up!” because “We made a card for you! Get up!!!” I was still holding my hand to my head when my lovely wife Deanna came back from having a shower, wearing her all pink shower ensemble.

I rose up and put on my bathrobe, still bleary from the shock of being woken up in the middle of my dream, while I removed the children from our bedroom so they would not have to see their mother naked. While I was leading them away, my daughter was assigning credit to each portion of the card they made. I believe she made the cover which had the word “DaddY” on it and a picture of a stick figure man with his arms and legs splayed apart as if he had been dropped off a building. My son did the inside, which was a miniature reproduction of a Norman Rockwell painting on Father’s Day. I was about to compliment my son on his art, when he announced he was hungry.

That request led us off to the kitchen where my children demanded two eggs over easy. As it was sizzling in the pan, with the special pan mom bought years ago that actually makes a sizzling sound when you cook even when the pan is not on the stove, my daughter decided she would try to teach Edgar the dog how to talk. She sat on the counter and repeated “Daddy, Daddy Daddy, Daddy!” to Edgar in the hope that he would repeat back what she had so articulately said. All Edgar could manage was “Bark Bark! Bark!” which, as you can tell, is not really very close. Edgar is not the brightest of dogs. The old Dixie dog was not faring much better with my son, who had removed her right front leg and her left eyeball, in order to wash them in the water in the dog dish. She begged me, while I was cooking, to retrieve her stolen items for her, but I ignored her. I knew once my son had cleaned them, he would return the eye and the leg.

After consuming the eggs, this sparked a different desire in my daughter, which I suppose had something to do with her judgment on the quality of my cooking. She hung on my arm and said, “Can we go out? Are we gonna have dinner somewhere? What’s happening today? Hum? Dad?” I hadn’t made plans for Father’s Day. Usually I let Deanna plot it out, and she was up in the bedroom, so I yelled for her. My son was also summoning Deanna in his own special, stinky diaper way, which I thought was unusual, because I thought he was potty-trained. I guess Deanna must have put him one of those overnight diapers, especially for Father’s Day.

Deanna responded to my son’s odor and when my children asked her if we were going out for dinner, she replied, “Yes, we’re going to go out for dinner.” My children exclaimed “Yaay!!” so simultaneously they shared a speech balloon between them. Deanna, freshly cleaned and dressed, picked up my son to take care of his little stench problem. Everything went dark for me, and I realized that I had been stricken by one of those roving silhouettes, which is such a problem for most Milborough residents.

Later on, dad told me the red hot spark from some of the things the kids were doing woke him up and he didn’t recognize the sight of it. He said, “Whoa. What’s going on out there?” He said Mom replied, “Your son and your grandchildren are celebrating.” To which dad replied “Oh”. because he didn’t know how the heck mom had come to that conclusion from a red hot spark appearing through a wall. Then dad said mom was affectionate to him for the first time in many months as she wished him “Happy Father’s Day.” Dad said it was the best Father’s Day he had had in a long time.

I will have to take his word for it. It took me awhile to wake up fully to enjoy mine.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, just what I wda xxpected from U, Mike.

Well, I asked Mom if I shd just give Dad his usual favourite Father's Day present--being totally left alone so he can pretend he never even had NE kids. Mom was all, "Of course, April. Do U even have 2 ask?"

Happy Father's Day, 2 all the Dads out there who deserve it!

Apes