Shawna-Marie Got Married
Rocks fell and everyone died! No, just kidding. Liz posted what happed next @ the Shawna-Marie wedding:
Apes
April,Oh, rite, Julia from the Accounting dept @ Mayes Midtown Motors. Dad was really proud of his work on her. And I don't mean the impacted molar he removed. On the day he extracted that tooth, he came home totally stoked abt the PUN he'd made abt it. "Elly! I told her it was an inconvenient tooth! An INCONVENIENT TOOTH! I truly AM the patriarch of puns!" I don't know what Mom sed cuz I hadta go 2 the washroom and B sick over that pun.But yeah, obvs poor Julia has proven herself unworthy. Every1 knows showing ppl their mouths and teeth (if they R not laffing @ a bad pun or yelling with unhinged jaws) proves U R backwards and shd not B allowed 2 live in Mboro.
Well, there was a lot of staring between me and Anthony, and it made me feel funny in my stomach, like there were butterflies in it, and the next thing I knew, the preacher said "kiss the bride," and Shawna-Marie kissed What'sHisFace, who by the way is black, I know that will make the Good Witch very happy, she always says, "Like belongs with like."
Anyway, then in the receiving line, Shawna-Marie turned into a total slut, and started kissing every man who came by on the mouth, whether he was old or white or married, it didn't matter, and it was really embarrassing, I felt bad for What'sHisName, who obviously didn't know that Shawna-Marie would turn into a skank right after saying "I do," I think she had too much champagne in the limo on the way to the ceremony.
Speaking of really embarrassing, Anthony came through the receiving line with his bookkeeper date from work, her name is Julia, and let me say, I am totally relieved to find out she is no competition at all, first, she is fat and short and ugly, kind of like a young Lovey Saltzman or Mira Sobinski, but less ethnic, and she has no class at all, she blurted out first thing that Anthony blabs on about me all the time (score!), which is not very discreet, and speaking of indiscreet, she told me Dad is her dentist, and then opened her gaping maw and showed me the hole where Dad took out a rotten tooth, it was disgusting, doesn't Julia know a proper girl only shows her tongue, teeth, and uvula when she's laughing at a pun?, it was so sad, Anthony was openly laughing at her, I wondered why he didn't just dump this fat cow when I asked him to be my date.
More tomorrow, Liz
Apes
Labels: Anthony, Liz, Shawna-Marie, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:19 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
A lot of people are wondering how I ended up with Julia at the SM (or sans melanin as one of the very few black guests said) wedding and why I stuck by her, at least for a few minutes in the receiving line, despite her obvious teeth.
It all started in my office when I was counting paperclips for the third time one day, wishing Liz would stop by to say hi or invite me to a wedding or something. Donna came in and turned on the lights. We had a long talk about my lifestyle, though Donna kept her hand over her mouth and nose most of the time.
I admitted I was pining for my beloved.
Donna said she knew just what to do to make sure that I'd end up with the kind of woman I deserved. She's good to me that way, despite all the conflicts we've had in the past.
I took Julia on the advice of Donna. Julia said my romance with The Most Beautiful Girl in Milborough needed a little conflict and doubt and spice, because otherwise Liz wouldn't feel any triumph when she "reels me in and gaffs me" as Donna put it. Donna said that for women like Liz, it's not so important that you get a man (which is kind of something you have to do in life to save expense and bother, like getting your parking validated) it's that you get a man while at the same time rubbing another woman's nose in your accomplishment.
Women tend to get most jealous of others who have attributes they lack, according to Donna, and since Liz is tall, fair-haired, and beautiful I needed to take short, dark, and dumpy to the SM wedding. Two of the gals flipped a coin and the loser got me, though I did hear they bonded while looking for a dress at the resale shop and trying hairstyles to see which one was the least flattering.
Some of the guys in the shop said they were jealous of my date, as she looked like an ideal woman: "four feet tall, huge mouth, and a flat head to set your beer on." While she does have a flat head, Julia is slightly over four feet. But then the mechanics are always making horrible, non-pun jokes.
It was a happy accident that John really was Julia's dentist. "Come for the nitrous, stay for the puns" as Julia put it in the car, before letting off one of her trademark cackles. I understand John doesn't have many patients any more, as he's only in the office one day every other week, when he remembers, leaving most of the practice to his partner, whoever he is.
As to the loss of my awesome stache? It had to do with a bet, three police officers, and a practicing Wiccan but I can't say much more at the moment.
Donna also fixed me up for the wedding by giving me something for my lips. It stings like aitch-e-doubletoothpicks but boy did they get plump, though the blistering kind of ruined the effect later.
Anyway, that's the receiving line part of the story. I'm practicing Pattersonhood by telling stories in short bursts. More later.
Anthony
At 10:03 AM,
howard said…
April,
My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.
Alyssa: OK. What happened after the processional? Is that where we are?
Jen: Yes. Dawn came in first, and the bride came in last and it was giant mess. We kept on whispering to Dawn, “The maid of honour stands beside the bride” but she wouldn’t listen.
Alyssa: Finally, Shawna-Marie’s mother had to get up from where she was sitting and dragged Dawn over beside Shawna-Marie.
Jen: At least she got her in the right spot. They were standing in front of the archway of flowers and ribbons.
Alyssa: It was very pretty. Then Shawna-Marie turned to Dawn to hand her the bouquet she was carrying.
Jen: And Dawn actually took it. I was nervous about that, but Alyssa and I were ready to jump up to get it, just in case Dawn continued to stay brainless.
Alyssa: The ceremony otherwise went perfectly.
Jen: I would have told the groom to run a comb through his hair. He looked like he had muppet hair just before he and Shawn-Marie had their kiss. It was so distracting, Shawna-Marie stared at it for a few seconds before their kiss.
Alyssa: Everyone was staring at it.
Jen: Despite the hair, the kiss went alright. Then we recessed into a receiving line, which was, for some strange reason, not under the big circus tent. I was OK in my dress, but the guys in their suits were sweaty under the sun.
Alyssa: It wasn’t like we rehearsed it, but that’s how everything was in this wedding.
Jen: First, we shook hands with Shawna-Marie’s grandmother and grandfather from her father’s side. Obviously from Montreal and not Argentina.
Alyssa: Elizabeth didn’t shake hands.
Jen: That’s because Shawna-Marie was making out with her dad in the receiving line.
Alyssa: That’s no reason for Elizabeth to yell “skank” at her. It was just a nice little father-daughter kiss that went on for too long and made everyone feel uncomfortable.
Jen: That’s one way of putting it. I would put it as the kiss where everyone understood completely why it is that Shawna-Marie’s mom and dad don’t get along.
Alyssa: True. True.
Jen: Then Anthony Caine and his date came down the receiving line. His date was a very friendly and outgoing girl named Julia. I think she is a good match for Anthony. She fills in the missing parts of his personality.
Alyssa: You mean friendly and outgoing?
Jen: Yes! When Anthony and Elizabeth were together in high school, it was like a conversation between two ice cubes.
Alyssa: I have to admit, I almost liked Anthony when he was with Julia. He looked better. He smelled better. He was giving her all kinds of little, cute touches. He was polite. And the best part of all was, he didn’t have any obscene thought balloons, like he does when he’s with Elizabeth.
Jen: Do you think he will stick with Julia and give up on his sick obsession with Elizabeth Patterson?
Alyssa: Not a chance. Do we tell what happened next with Mason, the best man and Elizabeth?
Me: No. Let’s leave that for later.
That was it. Maybe more tomorrow.
Howard Bunt
At 10:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, w8 a minute! wut do u mean “showing ppl their mouths and teeth (if they R not laffing @ a bad pun or yelling with unhinged jaws) proves U R backwards and shd not B allowed 2 live in Mboro.” is this the reasn y every tyme i smile @u, u say, “u shud move outa mboro, jeremy” or “get outa town” or “go away”? i thot u just didn’t like me, & now ur sayin’ it’s sum kind of rule?
At 10:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Our dear Lizardbreath has written about a girl Anthony Caine took to the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding. She describes her as “fat and short and ugly”. Anthony Caine defined her as “short, dark, and dumpy” compared to our sister’s “tall, fair-haired, and beautiful.” I hasten to point out the single characteristic which makes this girl a true rival for Anthony Caine’s affections.
Liz failed to realize that by being willing to open her mouth and show off the dental work accomplished by our esteemed father, she was also showing that she could open her mouth completely to a perfect stranger and not distress them because of bad breath. I don’t know if Anthony’s olfactory faculties have been damaged by too many years of dating the Lizardbreath or by having had a Quebecoise woman for a wife; but for many men, a woman brazen enough to show off dental work is a breath of fresh air. If Anthony gets a good whiff of Julia’s obvious minty, freshness in comparison our Lizardbreath’s lizardly breathness, he may think a mate whose odor does not upset his stomach is a better choice.
I hope our sister took this threat seriously, but from what she wrote, it seems like she was paying attention only to her rival’s homeliness. Some may think showing off dental work is a sign of rudeness and vulgarity, but I see it for what it truly was—a challenge to Liz at her weakest point, the reptilian redolence of her mouth.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
anthony, there is a rumour going around that u had rhinoplasty around the same time u shaved the 'stache off. is this true?
jeremy, it's totally a milboro thing. and me telling u 2 get outta milboro isn't not liking u, it's trying 2 b kind. getting outta milboro is a v. good thing. i plan 2 do it myself when i can.
mike, i dunno. mom was aghast when liz told her abt julia opening up and showing ppl her teeth like that.
apes
At 7:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I know we value mom’s opinion on proper etiquette, but I have often thought that a woman who could unhinge her jaw, and shriek where people could hear it for miles, was not a necessarily a good example for how to keep your mouth closed. It took me years when I was growing up to learn to block out that horrific sound.
Dad’s opinion on Liz’s story about Julia showing off his dental work was entirely different from mom’s. Apparently, if you show off his work to someone else and it gets back to him that you did it, you get a discount on your next dental work. He declared Julia his best patient ever, because I think she was the first (only) person to take advantage of that offer.
Julia may seem crude to some, but I think she is wily and clever and should not be underestimated. The Lizardbreath better watch out!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i get that u wanna get outa mboro & u think it’s a good thing, but wut duz it hafta do w/u sayin’ that 2 me wen i smile @u & u can c my teeth?
neway, xxamz were tuffer 2day, cuz i don’t have a study group nemore. i miss havin’ eva around, but i guess she’s studyin’ w/duncan now. there wuz always some way she had ‘bout puttin’ her breasts on a text book & smirkin’ @me, that made me wanna read. my gf honoria iz bizzy w/her own grade 8 group, the grade 8 girls who have bfs w/trust funds, so she can’t help me.
i gotta get back 2 studyin’, & just imagine eva wuz here & breasts r on my skool books.
At 7:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, mboro peeps r v. weird abt the teeth-showing thing. there r complic8ed rules i can't even start 2 understand. i think there's sum entire subsection in the patterson-richards accord of 1979 dealing w/thoze rules. if u viol8 'em, even by mistake, u cd end up all kindsa ostracized an' generally abused around here. w8, i guess that already happs 2 u lots, eh? neway, the pt was if u get outta mboro, u don't hafta worry abt viol8ing thoze stupid toothy rules.
apes
At 8:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, sounds like a whole lotta frownin' 2 me, till i gradu8, just 2b on the safe side.
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