April's Real Blog

Friday, June 15, 2007

Liz has a Pavlovian response 2 made-over Anthony

Liz wrote a bit more of what happed @ Shawna-Marie's wedding:

Well, as Mason dragged me away from where Anthony and Jumbo were standing, I kept thinking about how much better looking Anthony is, now that his bristly mustache is gone, and he has new glasses, he looks so young, and vibrant, and exciting, and dashing, and manly, just like he did back in high school, and when I realized Anthony was a lot better-looking, I realized I care for him more when he is more handsome, and it was a shocking revelation, how something that is so simple could be hidden so deep inside my subconcussion.

Well then something terrible happened, I found myself suddenly not able to move, and Mason asked me if something was wrong because I stopped in my tracks, and I said, "Yes!" because my high heels sank into the lawn, and Mason rescued me, he picked me up and carried me, and someone took a picture, which I saw later, and I do not look happy in it at all, and I will tell you why, it's because Mason picked me up in his arms and slammed his chin into my face, which does not feel good at all, even when the chin in question is of a normal size, and not cartoon size like Dad and sometimes Anthony (though not Anthony right now, he has had some kind of chin reduction, which makes him look more handsome and desirable).

More later.

So Liz, all that time, did the 'stache an' bad glasses make U think Anthony was sum1 else? I agree he's looking v. diff these days, but I think he looks like a whole other person. Teen Anthony had that beak nose and receding chin.

BTW, Liz, meant 2 say yesterday. NEVER mix ammonia and bleach. That's a toxic combo. I wd say U learned that the hard way, but I have a feeling U don't know that's what made U pass out like U did.

Jeremy, sorry abt Shawna-Marie's mom canning U when U were supposta DJ the wedding. But she prolly wda ended up B-ing a total pain 2 U, eh?


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  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Well, Howard. Are we still talking about the wedding? I guess we are. Where did we stop? Was Mason with his hands all over Elizabeth during the pictures?
    Me: Actually, if you could talk about the trip to where the pictures were being taken.
    Alyssa: Alright. The photographer decided the greenest and prettiest place to take pictures was near the tent. Of course it was the greenest and prettiest, because someone keeps it well-watered. I didn’t expect mud, because it was sunny during the rehearsal and during the wedding, but you can’t account for what people spray to keep the grass green, eh?
    Jen: The heels on my shoes got stuck. Heels are a real pain walking across muddy ground because, the heel has a nasty habit of sinking into the ground. What I did was take my foot out of the shoe, balance on my other foot, grab the shoe, and slip it back on to keep going.
    Alyssa: I just put the weight on the soles of my shoes when I walked to keep them from sinking.
    Me: Most times when my heels sink in the mud, I take them off and walk barefoot.
    Jen: Well, dirty feet wouldn’t do for Mother Verano.
    Alyssa: True. True. We were all standing around waiting for the photographer to get set up and here comes Mason carrying Elizabeth Patterson bride-over-the-threshold style.
    Jen: I guess it’s appropriate considering it was a wedding, but it is probably the least efficient way to carry someone.
    Alyssa: Particularly the way he was doing it. I said, “It’s one arm under the shoulders and one arm in the crook of the knee and it works a lot better if your arms go all the way around the girl.” and then Mason said, “Don’t get me started, Alyssa. If the damsel in distress wants to be carried so her dress is bunched up tightly so no one can see her underwear, then that’s the way she gets carried.”
    Jen: I said to Mason, your damsel-in-distress spent 2 years in the Northwest teaching aboriginals. You wouldn’t think a little mud would be that scary to her. Mason just smiled and said, “Sometimes damsels-in-distress drop things just to have them picked up by a man.”
    Alyssa: Mason can talk funny sometimes.
    Jen: Well, I felt sorry for Mason. I really think he pulled something in his back carrying Liz like that. His face was in horrible pain. He must have carried her 100 meters or so.
    Alyssa: No, Jen. His face was like that because when he carried Liz, his nose got too close to her mouth, so he could smell her breath.
    Jen: Ew!! Really? The poor guy. That’s so funny. He had to carry Liz and keep her dress bunched up and he had to smell her too?
    Alyssa: That’s why he looked like he was trying to close his eyes, his nose and his mouth all at the same time.
    Jen: After he put Liz down, then she said, “Never wear heels to a garden party.”
    Alyssa: Then Shawna-Marie said, “Liz. This is my wedding, not a garden party.”
    Jen: Then she said in the nicest way it would helpful if Liz didn’t wander off, so they didn’t have to send Mason after her. I don’t think Elizabeth heard her though.
    Alyssa: Then Liz started going on about Anthony Caine. He shaved his moustache and changed his glasses, and how much he looked like he did in high school and stuff like that.
    Jen: Shawna-Marie and Dawn just stared at her like she was a crazy woman, until Dawn finally said, “He had red hair in high school, Liz.”
    Alyssa: Elizabeth just gave them a blank look, and told them she didn’t know what they were talking about.
    Jen: Then after that we started taking pictures. You want us to stop here?
    Me: Yes. This is a good place to stop. You tell me more tomorrow. I’ll have chocolate truffles all ready for you.
    Alyssa: You are going to make me so fat, Howard.

    That was it. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:13 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It is a peculiar tendency of the women in our family not to know how to walk in tricky environments. I remember mom gave up a brand new pair of boots, because of this deficiency. And of course, dad is fond of telling the story about how you couldn’t walk in snow without spraying everyone.

    In this case, the Lizardbreath used it to good effect. If Anthony Caine had been watching Liz leave him to get pictures taken, and we know he was, then he would have seen her lifted up by Mason and that might have led him to try to rescue Liz from Mason, just as he once did against that evil Howard Bunt. It was an excellent ploy by Liz to feign helplessness, but unfortunately Anthony Caine did not take the bait. I would say better luck next time, but we know how it all turned out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:25 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, @last i’m done w/examz @least 4 this week. the koolhaus haz fergie 2nite 4 an all ages show & i get 2 help out w/sound cuz she bringz her own sound man w/her cuz of all the lip-synchin’. they don’t want ne ashlee simpson moments.

    good xxperience neway 2 get sum tyme w/a sum1 known way outside of canada. if ur still innerested, show up @the usual spot & i’ll get u in, but i am not gonna lift up 2 get u past ne mud, eh? don’t wear heels, evn tho i am pretty sure fergie will.

    honoria iz gonna b there. she’z heard fergie is rilly a man in drag & she wunts 2 get a good look @her. i kinda doubt fergie iz a guy.

    by the way, sum peeps have told me this mason guy who wuz @that wedding ur sis went 2, looks like me, xxcept youngah. have u seen ne pix? is it true? it wud b kinda funny if ur sis thot a guy who looked like me wuz attractive.

  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy, that is so awewum! fergie! is it ok if axel comes along, 2?

    i dunno abt mason looking like u. i've heard a bunch of diff stuff, like 4 example that his loox changed entirely between the rehearsal and the wedding itself. sum ppl even say there r 2 diff masons and they switched off just 2 c if ne1 wd notice! i've also heard that if it were sumhow poss 4 u and warren blackwood 2 make a baby 2gether, he'd grow up 2 look like mason (@ least the mason who was @ the wedding).

    thanx 4 sharing jen and alyssa's take on this l8est bit of wedding news, howard.


  • At 6:50 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, axel can come, but u bettah get here soon. this place is packed!

    thanx 4 xxplainin' the mason thing 2 me i guess. it duzn't sound like the guy stays lookin' like me enuff 2b a prob 4 me, but if he hooked up w/ur sis, i am still gonna watch out if ic her 'round me, just in case she can't tell the diff. i kinda got the mpression that if a guy has the same eyes & facial hair, he looks the same az anothah guy, frum wut she rote today. it soundz kinda weird, but i don't want ur sis 2 try 2 mack on me, just in case he has the same eyes i do.

  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we r abt a block away, jeremy. c u soon!



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