April's Real Blog

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Egg heads?

Back 2 the events of this past Monday. Shannon was all, "Wd ... U ... wanna ... have lunch ... w/ ... me?" And I was like, "Sure, Shannon. Y not?" So we got 2 the table, and I was thinking, "Man, Shannon's mom gave her lunch $, and I hadta bring in one of my sad little brown-bag lunches!" NEway, I'd just finished thinking that when Shannon sed, "U ... know ... sum of my ... friends, rite?" And I sed, "Hello," while a coupla ppl @ the table were all, "Hi" and "H'lo!" As I was sitting, I realized I remembered this one guy Jack from home economics back in grade eight. I remember him having this big emotional moment when we cooked hard-boiled eggs. So I was all, "We were in the same home economics class! Remember, Jack? U learned how 2 cook eggs!" And he was like, "Eggs! I cooked eggs all by myself!" I was a bit surprised he was still basking in that glory more than two yrs l8er. NEway, once I'd sat and was abt 2 bite in2 my sad little sandwich, this girl with short hair and big teeth, who mighta been one of those girls offering Becky essays and test answers last yr, walked rite up behind me and sed, "Hey, April! --I C U're sitting w/the 'egg heads'!" Which is usually the insult ppl use on kids who R smarter and better students than they R. But mayB her scare quotes meant she was being ironic? In which case, she's obviously evil and on her way 2 being punished or served w/a v. special lesson of sum kind, eh?

Dunc, don't worry. I know Eva's all hot 2 have our band do a Sound of Music Thing, but I say no way. If we do the telethon, we'll just do one of our normal sets, in our normal clothes. And OMG, do U really think U'll never come back from Barbados? If that's true, mayB I'll never come back from Manitoba!


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  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, about the girl w/short hair & big teeth, who walked rite up behind u & sed, "hey, april! --i c u're sitting w/the 'egg heads'!" she’z the same girl, who wuz comin’ by our table wen u have been sittin’ w/me @lunch since the beginnin’ of june wen u stopped sittin’ w/ur band. thass annie tonym. remembah wen u sat w/me, the girl always wud say thingz like, “hey, april! --i c u're sitting w/the young man.” or “hey, april! --i c u're sitting w/the hero of the day.” annie’s humour is a little off, az u wud kinda xxpect w/sum1 who bothers 2 take the time 2 try insult sum1 wen there’s no1 else around 2 laff.

  • At 12:25 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    that "egghead" comment iz way stupid. every1 knows that an "egghead" is a smart nerd type. retards aren't smart. if they were, i wouldn't b doing a telethon 4 them.


  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. I did not like the Sound of Music idea at first, but Eva has explained to me that it is the story of refugees who make music and escape from the Nazis. It reminded me of how my own family of refugees escaped from the poor economic conditions of Mexico, across the wasteland of the United States to Canada. I think we should do the Sound of Music as way to reach out to Mexican refugees in Canada, especially the ones with special needs, like the ones who are unemployed.

    I need to tell you about un enemigo you have made. You know the chico in the wheelchair who always has different signs on the back of his chair like “On a Roll” or “I brake for Pizza” or “Roll Me, Bitches”? He saw you sitting at lunch and I heard him say, “Hey! April Patterson’s got my seat. She is sitting in my spot.” I said to him, “Persona lisiada, why do you say that is your spot?” He told me, “I always sit by my girlfriend.” I said to him, “Shannon Lake?” He said, “No, idiot. Gosh. Shannon is too fat and ugly and you can’t understand anything she says with all those ellipses. My girlfriend is on the other side. She’s the one who looks like April Patterson used to before she started wearing whore makeup, and except she has black hair.”

    I said to him, “Don’t worry, amigo. It’s only one lunch.” He said, “You don’t understand. Someone will come over and insult them, with April sitting there. It will upset my girlfriend and we won’t get to have sex for weeks until she calms down.”

    Then Annie Tonym walked by and insulted you. Then the wheelchair chico was mad and said many maldiciones about you and said he would get revenge on you. I would be muy cuidadoso, chica. Watch out for your toes, in case he tries to run you over.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Your friend, the slatternly Becky McGuire, has missed the mark again. She thinks the "egghead" comment is stupid. I disagree. Opposite insults are a sign of a keen intellect. The recipient of the insult may complain to the principal of the school about it, but what can she say? “Oh, principal. We were called eggheads. I am insulted.” The principal can only point out that egghead means someone who is smart and it is not an insult. Then if the person complains that the insulter was being ironic, the principal will just say you are too easily offended, if you are turning compliments into insults. In this fashion, you get away with it.

    I remember when Brad Luggsworth was picking on me in school, and I used to go by his table and call him “handsome” in front of his friends, even though he was pretty ugly. He just hated that. His friends would laugh at him so much when I did that. Opposite insults are the best kind.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    The day you had lunch with me was the best day of my life. When you told me, “Sure, Shannon. Why not?”, I knew you were thinking about all the other things you could do for lunch, and you still decided to have lunch with me.

    I was really glad you knew some of my friends at our lunch table. I have a hard time remembering their names. I would have been embarrassed if I had to introduce them. You were great. You said “Hello” to them. You remembered Jack and you even remembered how he cooked eggs in our Home Economics class over 2 years ago. Jack loves talking about those eggs.

    He said, “Anyway, like I was sayin', egg is the fruit of the chicken. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. Dey's uh, egg-kabobs, egg creole, egg gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple egg, lemon egg, coconut egg, pepper egg, egg soup, egg stew, egg salad, egg and potatoes, egg burger, egg sandwich. That- that's about it.” I love it when Jack talks about eggs. He sounds just like someone from the movies.

    The best part about having lunch with you is I learned something new about you. Did you know when you eat, little bits of food fly out of your mouth? I liked watching you eat. Jack had to close his eyes and so did the girl sitting on the other side of you. I don’t remember her name. Sorry. They said you were making them sick. I think they were glad when that girl came by to talk to you about “egg heads”, because then you stopped eating. I wasn’t. I liked watching you eat.

    I can’t wait to have lunch with you again and I can have 2 best days of my life. Also, if a boy in a wheelchair tries to run you over, just push his wheelchair over. That’s what I do. He won’t bother you after you do that.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, so that guy in the wheelchair? he totally ran over my feet! and then shannon came along and knocked him over. next thing i know, shannon, this guy in the chair, and i r all in the principal's office. and shannon was totally, "mr... prin...ci..pal, ...pls don't pun...ish april! i'm the ... one who... knocked over the... chair!"

    but the principal was all, "clearly shannon was doing this 4 u, u r a terrible influence!" and i hadta serve detention.

    detention was just me an' jeremy. i didn't get a chance 2 find out y he was there, tho, cuz we weren't allowed 2 talk. how weird is it that we have lunch hr and detention when we're finishing up our xxams?


  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry to hear about your detention. I hope they let you make up any exams you missed. I got back from work and read what you wrote and a few thoughts came to my mind.

    I know your description of what happened during lunch, describes a girl saying, “Hey, April” but I was reminded of a previous story you told about when you had zits and ran into a guy at your school who said “Hey, April.” I wonder if they’re related somehow.

    Your friend Jack sound a lot like a lady I knew a long time ago named Edie, who sat in a playpen in bra and panties mindlessly introducing her eggs to each other. She used to get nervous when she imagined all the chickens in the world might some day disappear. I wonder if they’re related somehow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:22 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i wuz a little surprized wen l.a. sheriff lee baca came n2 detention & released u cuz ur a patterson. the principal wuz all apologetic ‘bout how he didn’t recognize u cuz of ur new 16-yo hairstyle & big lips. & of course shannon lake sed callin’ in the sheriff wuz the least she cud do 4 sum1 who had lunch w/her.

    as 4 y am in detention, well u know how yestahday, in ur blog, duncan anderson wrote that i cud have eva abuya netime i wunted her? let’s just say, eva decided 2 let me know personally wut duncan sed wuz not true, just in case i got ne ideaz. lucky 4 me i didn’t have ne examz scheduled during the tyme i wuz in detention.

  • At 8:25 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    Sorry about the detention. It won't happen again. I have made sure of it. Will you have lunch again with me tomorrow?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Nelson Muntz said…


    You were in detention? Ha ha!

    Nelson Muntz

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i don't think that girl was rel8ed 2 the guy u r talking abt. but she reminded me of the girls hanging w/becky in april of last yr. i didn't have ne xxams scheduled during detention time.

    shannon, wow, that was v. cube of u, getting me outta detention like that!

    2morrow i just have a morning xxam, and then i'm gonna work @ lilliput's 4 the rest of the day. but i'll b going 2 horny t's around 5, if u wanna hang!


  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I would love to hang with the nicest girl in Milborough, but I don’t think my mom would like me to go to Horny T’s by myself. I would get lost trying to find my way over there.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Tricky Woo said…

    You should try, Shannon. There fish heads are the best out back!

  • At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…

    Tricky Woo,

    I asked my mom if I could go out back of the Horny T’s to have fish heads. She says no. She asked me who told me about calling Tim Horton’s the name Horny T’s. I told her it was you; since I don’t know you and neither does mom and I don’t want to get April in trouble for teaching me a bad word.

    Shannon Lake


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